Thursday, February 28, 2013

Play Your Casio Like a Pro!

I have a feeling I'm being stalked again, so if you happen to see a creepy blonde woman lurking around this blog, feel free to call 911. However, if you ARE the creepy blonde in question, I already know that you're proficient in dialing 911, so at least I can count on you for that one. For the rest of you, if I happen to get some crazy-ass voicemails out of this, you'll be the first to hear them!

While we're waiting for the voicemails to come in, I figured I'd post another video.

This is an instructional tape I found which I'm guessing came with a brand new Casio keyboard. I'm only guessing that's where the video came from because I can't picture anybody actually wanting to buy this shit.

My biggest question is who the fuck is Jay Levy? I'm guessing he's some washed-up musician in a band nobody cares about like The Doors or something. I could care less about his ability to use a Casio keyboard because it's much more amusing to watch his head. It moves around like a bobble head going over street full of never-ending road kill.

So let's learn how to play some George Harrison on a cheesy keyboard from 1990.

By the way, if you are looking for my "Creepy Rubber Puppets on Drugs" video, it was lovingly removed by Youtube. Apparently, the losers belonging to The Metropolitan Toronto Pharmacists Association decided to be assholes and have it taken down. Perhaps they need to up their prescriptions and gobble enough drugs to turn their hard-headed brains into mush. Now the children will have nobody to teach them about the dangers of prescription drugs, and they'll no doubt be gobbling up their parents drugs and dying. Way to go Metropolitan Toronto Pharmacists Association, you're killing children! Fuck you!

Please feel free to avoid donating to their educational fund. They apparently make enough money selling old VHS tapes to compensate for it.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Clips from the Dish

It's been a while since I posted some goofy videos, so I figured it would be a nice change from the junk that I've been posting as of late.

The best thing about having a satellite dish is I don't have to go all the way to the thrift store to find weird video tapes (and most of the time, I don't find anything worth buying). Instead, the garbage comes directly into my home via satellite, and if I've got nothing to do, I'll sit there and record anything weird that comes up on the screen.

So here's some of the fun stuff I've recorded over the past few months...

Connecticut Shooting Memorial Wildfeed

When the Connecticut shooting hit the news, it hit big. It was a very disturbing thing to hear about, and the dish was on fire with wild feeds about the incident. Over the course of about two weeks, there were lots and lots of memorials being held for the victims. I recorded quite a bit of this one and was able to catch a very memorable moment which had the potential to reach homes all over North America.

Crappy Foreign Music Video

I don't know what fucking language this is in, and I don't care either.

When you live in a third world country, any thoughts on how to produce your music video go out the window. If you have a picture of grazing zebras kicking around, it will make a fantastic backdrop to you bopping around while lipsyncing to a distorted recording of your hit song.

You see, in third world countries they don't have volume controls, so they just make the audio as loud as possible and hope that it all turns out well for the douchebag watching at the other end.

There are plenty of great effects in this video, and I'm going to leave it up to you to discover them. I encourage any up-and-coming video producers to take serious notes because there's plenty to learn from idiots who don't know what they're doing.

Royally Fucked Up Asian TV Show

There are no words to describe this one. I have no clue what the point of this show is, but it has a flying donkey in the opening and closing credits. I've posted a short clip of the actual show's content, followed by the closing credits which I guarantee will be the most amazing minute and a half of your entire existence. It changed my life. I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse, but I will never again be the same person I was before watching this.

As long as people keep doing stupid shit, there will always be more content for me to record and put up for your amusement.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Drew's Famous Valentine's Day Music

Valentine's day is upon us, and what better way to celebrate it than read one of my romantic, love filled blog entries with your partner down by the fire. You will undoubtedly toss your laptop into the fire after you're done with this one.

If you need some fuck music, our friend Drew will make sure you have it. He makes cheap CDs which are recorded by the slaves (The Hit Crew) in his recording studio in his mom's basement. He developed the unpopular "Drew's Famous" collection of albums which you will likely avoid once you've bought just one.

So, let's pick some love songs from a couple of Drew's Famous releases (you're dillusional if you REALLY think this stuff is famous).

Drew's Famous 30 Greatest 90s Songs

Drew really outdid himself with this one. You get TWO CDs full of garbage. Not only that, Drew makes certain to personalize each CD with a special message. This one says "Have a great party!" If your guests are drunk enough, they might not notice the CD is full of cheap imitations.

I'll Be Missing You

This is a cheap imitation of a rip off of a Police song. Remember Puff Daddy? Remember when he changed his name to "Puffy Combs Cereal" or some dumb shit like that? I think he changed his name three more times after that. I fucking hated this song when it came out. Drew decided to make it worse and got some white guys rapping on it. The soul has been removed from this song and is now burning in Valentine's Day hell.

Listen to it!

Under The Bridge

The Red Hot Chili Peppers never sounded worse. That's probably because this isn't the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I can't help but wonder if Drew sang this one himself. It's really fucking awful. Play this for your Valentine and she'll likely cut off your cock and bury it in a sock. Then you can cut out the suggestion card from the CD insert, fill it in (making sure to let Drew know that he is now the cause of you being dickless) and mail it in. Drew is too cheap to pay for postage, or even get a Gmail account to conveniently allow you to send him hate emails and death threats.

Listen to it!

Drew's Famous Wedding Songs

For those of you who are planning to propose to your loved one on this very special money-making holiday, you may want to buy this disc especially if she's been nagging at your ass for that damn ring. This collection of love songs will make her shut up. Drew personally wishes you a great wedding on the back of the CD - which will lead to a vicious divorce after she remembers how you were too fucking cheap to buy the real album.

I'll Be There

I think this is supposed to be the Mariah Carey version. Remember her? Can you say "washed up"? I don't know who that guy is supposed to be singing with Cheap-Imitation-Mariah, but his soul is in worse shape than the bottom of my shoe. I can guarantee you that Michael Jackson is melting in his grave from the injustice that was done to this song of his.

Listen to this crap

I would have picked another song off this one, but I've already covered the Whitney Houston song, plus I've featured "The Rose" numerous times (we don't need it again) and "Unchained Melody" was destroyed in the last entry. So even Drew ruined this blog entry by doing songs that every other unoriginal bastard out there has covered. Thanks Drew! I can't wait to pick up more of your money-stealing "compilations".

And that's it! I hope your woman didn't start crying while you were pounding away to these terrible cover songs. I only hope you got her plenty drunk before dimming the lights and seducing her with this crap.

Happy Valentine's Day!