Thursday, April 23, 2015

Album: Heavy Hits Vol. 1

OOOOOH YESSS!!!! I bought another one! You can check out my other Exclusive Records review here. These guys are the absolute worst of the batch. They beat out Fantastic F, Avenue of America, and Arc all put together. This is the shit, and I mean SHIT. This is volume one of a.... Well, if we've learned anything about cheap imitation albums, it's that a "volume one" listed on the album cover doesn't necessarily mean that there's going to be a volume two. Or, it could mean the complete opposite and indicate that there's going to be a volume 29.

I'm not gonna waste any more of your time, so let's get to the highlights of this record...

Rockin' Robin

Nothing says "heavy" like a jazzy boppy tune like Rockin' Robin! Listen to those dark tweedly deedly deets! Feel the soul crushing clapping! And those demonic lyrics make you wanna break an egg! The flute player is totally out to lunch on this one. He's smoke too much weed, went off wandering in the woods, and is tripping out while watching the magical winged creatures of the forest. At the end of the song, we have a special appearance by Mr. Bassman himself!

Listen to Rockin' Robin

Sadly, this is the best of the three that I'm featuring here. Let's move on to browner pastures...

Rock And Roll Pt. 2

Gary Glitter's original version featured very little lyrical content other than a bunch of pedophelic men screaming "HEYYYY" throughout the entire song. This version features very little screaming of the word "HEYYYY". It's mostly some guy playing the same boring beat on the drums, and... well I guess the guitar guy is okay since he does a fine job playing the riff, although there seems to be some disconnect between him and the vocalists. I can't believe I just called them "vocalists". They could have just got some guy belching into the microphone which could have been just as effective, so I mixed one into the song just for fun.

If this version were played at a sporting event, the players would just walk off the field and go home.

In case you were wondering, all of Gary Glitter's royalties from this album go towards the purchase of a new pocket pussy. Too bad the record was released in the early 1970s and is no longer in print, so Gary's gonna have to wait a few years to get out of jail and claim his prized piece of silicone... if the royalties even amount to the value of one.

Listen to Rock and Roll Pt. 2

School's Out

If you like nails on a chalk board, this one is perfect for you! The vocalist sounds like a black man trying to put some soul into his delivery, the children sing out of key, and the guitar is probably just a broken bugle. It sounds as if there's only two children in this recording who are most likely the record producer's kids. If this version were released instead of Alice Cooper's masterpiece, teenagers everywhere would be without an anthem and would have to resort to "Rockin' Robin" for their heavy metal fix.

I'll be surprised if you make it through the entire recording.

Listen to School's Out

Yeah, I've been a bit skimpy in putting together entries as of late. I've been busy being all stressed out from some of life's events, but they've drastically improved over the last few weeks. Things are on their way up! As a side note, I had a friend inherit a big pile of records, and there's some pretty awful finds in there. I really didn't need more crap to review, but she assures me that there's some pretty stinky turds in the pile.

In more news, in case you didn't hear through the Facebook page, the Junq Tour will likely be returning this fall! I'll be back on the hunt throughout the thrift stores of Manitoba, looking for things to torture you with!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Found Foot Videos

I recently found a couple of laptops. One was dead, but this one worked fine although it has Windows Vista installed. I swear that Vista is a hundred times worse than Windows ME was. I've used quite a few Windows ME installs that worked fine, but Vista always seems to be extremely slow and chunky. I upgraded the RAM a bit in this laptop, just so it would run a bit better.

This computer belonged to a woman named Jenny who seems to be into new age stuff and has her own blog. Normally I would post stuff that she's written, but because it's already located elsewhere on the internet, I've decided to leave it alone.

She looks pretty fucking happy for someone who's about to be eaten by a wolf.

The most interesting thing I found on this laptop was FIVE videos about feet. They're cute, but I think five videos qualifies as an obsession or fetish.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Twisting Your Ears Off

It's time to post more of the garbage I buy.

The Twist was the Macarena of the 1960s. Everybody was twisting. If you have no clue what The Twist was, it's basically when you shake your ass side to side to a song about shaking your ass side to side. Fat people shouldn't twist. Unlike the Macarena, The Twist is much easier to learn. Due to The Twist being not incredibly sophisticated, it's obvious that people in the 1960s were dumber. All they did was live in their caves, club their women over the head, and then force them to twist.

I have two Twist albums. I would've had three, but the most recent one I found was too scratched up to play. Both of these albums mention how The Twist is the hottest dance craze in 20 years. They both also claim to have all the biggest twisting hits on one record. The funny thing is, aside from the song "The Twist", the songs on each are different. Because I have so many songs dedicated to twisting, I have dubbed myself the king of twist. Bow down to me and watch me shake my ass in celebration!

I've included the song "The Twist" from each album along with one other popular song that came out of the craze.

The Twisters - C'Mon, Let's Do The Twist

Arc's records are very consistent in disappointing me with their quality. This stuff is typical of their "we suck arse" musicianship. The only "original" thing about this album is apparently the tempo, and maybe the album cover. At least the singer on "The Twist" kinda sounds like Chubby Checker's untalented distant cousin.

The other song I've featured was a hit for Gary US Bonds called "Quarter To Three" and was a favourite of mine when I was a young boy. However, Arc decided to let the record producer and the janitor sing along on this track. The result is a sound worse than a bad karaoke night at the mental institution.

Listen to The Twist
Listen to Quarter To Three

The Charlie "Hoss" Singleton Combo - The Big Twist Hits

Not only is this band's name worse than "The Twisters", the music is a bunch of "hoss" shit. Surprisingly, this album came from RCA records' budget label "Camden". You'd think this would be a quality product. Shows what I know. The RCA dog probably went and intentionally fed himself to a bear after this came out.

But I don't need to write anything funny about this record. The back of the album cover provides plenty of laughs...

Personally, I'd prefer a one-legged waltz over a one-armed banjo player, a one-armed bass player, and a tone deaf singer. (I had to leave out the one-armed drummer comment to avoid being sued by Def Leppard). Yes, somebody decided to play a fucking banjo on this incarnation of "The Twist".

The only other song I know on here is "Twist Again". I've never liked "The Peppermint Twist". Some of the other songs are "Dear Lady Twist", "Twist-her", "The Big Twist", and "Little Brown Jug - Twist". Yup, all the hits are here, even if they weren't hits!

Listen to The Twist featuring a BANJO
Listen to Let's Twist Again

Now wasn't that a fun time? No? Well don't worry, I have a nice Macarena workout video that has yet to be posted.