Monday, November 30, 2015

These Christmas Albums Suck, Pa Rum-Pum-Pum Pum

I've been bitten by the techie bug for the first time in a long time, so I've been busy working on some larger projects. Of course I've been taking pictures of what I'm doing, and fully intend of posting them here. However, that's not going to happen until I'm finished at least one of the three projects that I've become engulfed in.

In the meantime, let's cover some Christmas goodies! Each of these albums are offensive on a different level, so feel free to close your eyes while reading this magical Christmas entry.


The Golden Ring - Little Drummer Boy



What better way to market your Christmas album than to use child pornography! We have a very unhappy naked little boy on the album cover, wearing nothing but a drum. Shame on the art director for traumatizing this poor kid.

Yes, this is our friends at the Arc record label again. The first thing I did after playing the title track was start investigating the seemingly problematic audio connection that was happening on the right channel of my stereo. After playing a different album from a reputable record company, I realized that the problem wasn't in my stereo, but from some defect that took place while Arc was mastering this pedopilic piece of junk (is "pedophilic" even a word?) The problem seems to be present on side one only. Perhaps someone at Arc plugged the right channel output into their asshole by mistake.

The performances on the album aren't awful, but they're not remarkable either.

Listen to Little Drummer Boy


Venus Envy - I'll Be a Homo For Christmas



I brought this tape with me last Christmas when I made an appearance on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies. It's been a while since I've done that. Perhaps in the new year, I'll pay Kent another visit with more goodies.

Anyway, this album seems to have a general gay theme throughout these re-written Christmas songs. While the songs are somewhat amusing, I feel that it was a bit underwhelming. Just think about all the fun you could have doing a Christmas album with a band called "Venus Envy". It's only about half as good as the idea. The only win was the song titles. We've got "Lesbians We Have Heard On High", "The 12 Gays of Christmas", "Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer", and "Silent Dyke" Trust me, the songs are sadly not as amusing. One listen of this album is worth a cheap laugh (and you'll only get it on the first listen) and then it's time to record over it with the William Hung Christmas album.

I still have to give credit where credit is due: Venus Envy released this on their own record label. It's a very well packaged product and the sound quality is top notch. Next time, they should get ME to write their songs. I promise it'll live up to it's expectations!

Listen to Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer


Switched On Santa: The Moog Synthesizer Plays The Merriest of Christmas Favourites



If Pickwick earned an award for this album, it would've been for the longest name given to a piece of shit. Look at the expression on Santa's face. He's saying "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO HERE???" These are truly stale renditions of Christmas songs done during the very short-lived height of the Moog fad. There's nothing that says "Grandma playing at a Christmas funeral" more than this tape. The mood the Moog portrays on this album is one of a very depressing, dreary Christmas.

This is another album I poisoned the airwaves with during the Amateur Hour Christmas special.

And now, I leave you and your families with a very miserable, unhappy medley of Christmas favourites. You get all of program 4 on this sad, sad Pickwick 8-track.

Listen to it!


I'm going to try and get part 2 of my 2011 Christmas Special video up on Youtube. Remember how fun and entertaining the first part was? The feedback was good enough, so part 2 is now a necessity. Stay tuned!

Monday, November 9, 2015

I Bought These For The Album Covers

Sometimes I'll come across albums with covers that will make me ask, "Who's idea was this???" I'm bringing three of them here for you. Sometimes you can't judge an album by it's cover. In this particular case, you probably should.


A Sentimental Journey with Walter Weber



Someone slapped an old picture of Grampy on the cover. Looks like he didn't really want to have his picture taken. To be honest, side one of this record isn't too terrible. It's mostly instrumental guitar stuff which would be perfectly fine to have playing in the background while you're entertaining a bunch of old ladies who are more than eager to buy your tupperware. Occasionally, Mike Watt shows up to sing a song. Well, at least it SOUNDS like Mike Watt.

As for side two, ummmm.... well... I dunno. I can't play it. The grooves seem to be inverted for some reason. The record has a very rough texture on this side, but there's obviously something there. I suppose the only way to play it properly is to pour a bunch of glue onto it, wait for it to dry, peel it off, and then throw it on a turntable.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Listen to some inverted grooves!


Mike Labao - We The Children



There were about ten copies of this at the thrift store. As for the cover... Well it looks like someone drank a bunch of tequila, washed it down with some cans of paint, and then barfed all over the wall..

Remember what I said about people with disabilities in the past? If you need a refresher, I said "just because you have a disability, it doesn't mean you can sing." Thankfully, Mike Labao took my advice and didn't sing a single note on here. All he did was write the Michael Jackson-esque lyrics. That guitar he's holding? It's just a prop. He doesn't play a single note on here either.

The worst part about this CD is that I'm still trying to justify paying $1.25 for a picture of Mike sitting in front of barf, and a CD with a song that's almost the length of a radio commercial. As for the music, it's a crappy reggae-ish number. I'm guessing all the people who played on this album were black, or at the very least THOUGHT they were black.

The good news is ever since Mike Labao became a massively popular songwriter, he gets all the bitches. Just look at the inlay card!



Listen to We The Children


Double Exposure - Locker Room



In case you're wondering, no I did NOT pay $20 for this piece of shit. It was in a box of records that an antique shop threw away. It's apparent that Disco does not and probably never will be classified as "antique". But try as we may, we cannot seem to erase that trashy and horrible blip in pop culture that occurred between 1977 and 1979.

Here we see a bunch of dudes hanging out in a locker room, each with their obvious preference for a particular sport. Since the album came out in 1979, you could say they look like a cheap imitation of The Village People. Okay, pretty harmless, right? But when you flip the album over and look at the back...



...it's a penis fest! These guys are all sweaty from playing hard, and now they're about to get oiled up and play even harder. Look at those big smiles! They know what's going to be sliding up each others' asses once the photographer gets the fuck out of there. Seriously, who's idea was this???

The best part about the back of the album is that the song titles are listed beside these four poofs. You know this album's 100% gay with songs like "I Got The Hots (For Ya)", "(Where Have You Been) All My Life", "Can We Be In Love", and "I Wish That I Could Make Love To You". Well, maybe you could make love to him if you took off those damn jock straps!

So here's a song for all you sweaty men who love other sweaty men. Feel free to curl up by the fireplace and fuck him in the crap chute to the beat of this groovy groove.

Listen to Can We Be In Love


And that's it for this entry of penises, unplayable records, and reggae songs that make you want to barf up paint. If you've been wondering why I've been away, it's because I've begun the huge undertaking of putting something special together for the 10th anniversary of this blog. More details to come in two years!