Classical Gas Emissions

Welcome to the backlog! Let's flush it...

2012-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

I have too many fucking tapes sitting in my queue bin, so that's where I'm focusing my energy on today's update. I've got songs sitting on my computer, blurbs of text I've written about tapes that have been sitting in my bin for years, and now I've decided to take those scraps and finally make an entry with them.

So, we've got three lovely cassettes to look at. It simply HAS to be cassettes because they've taken over my bin. Did I mention I'm still looking for another person in the Winnipeg area to take on some of the load of writing about all this shit I collect? I'll even supply the equipment for transferring! Oh yeah, and you have to be funny.

Well regardless of my backlog, let's see what kind of crap is going to swirl its way into my blog archive. I plan on burying my blog archives for future civilizations to find and conclude that we were a totally fucked society.

Skallie Macdougal - ...But Is It Art

This is a great tape! I have an unhealthy fondness for ska music because it's so goddam catchy, but the singer is so fucking spastic on the first song, it makes me want to jump around like a retarded kangaroo and snort pixie sticks up into my brain. The entire cassette insert is a fantastic piece of work on its own, and the silver paint pen used to write on the otherwise blank cassette shell really makes this home-made tape a nice little treasure! If even HALF the artists I review on this site put the same artistic effort into their album as these guys did, this would be a much, happier blog to read. Unfortunately, I review miserable shit, and therefore my blog is miserable shit.

Listen to "Talk To Me"

Arnie - Oldies But Goodies

I figured I should finally put this one up so it can happily snuggle on my blog with this and this and this. Arnie yet again leaves his plunger at home and decides to sing some crappy old songs. He sounds way better on here than he did on the Hank Williams tribute.

Sadly, Arnie passed away back on May 28th 2011, so he will no longer be recording what seems like an endless stream of albums, nor will he scrape the handle of his plunger with a coat hanger. Rest in peace Arnie, you are one of the stars of Classical Gas Emissions, although I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Perhaps, the realization that he was a star here may have been what killed him.

And now, here's a song about Arnie shining down on us from heaven. I shed a tear every time I grab the plunger to de-clog another one of the toys my kid tried to flush down the shitter.

Listen to "You Are My Sunshine"

A Night With Jimmy Mills

This one is bad. VERY VERY BAD. I found a copy of this while I was in Ashern one year with a slightly different cover. Jimmy claims that he was in The Platters and The Ink Spots. A quick search on the internet turned up NOTHING to verify this claim which leads me to believe he was nothing more than MAYBE a bartender where both of these groups had performed. Not only does his name have NOTHING to do with either of these groups, he sounds like a half-dead rhinoceros taking his last shit.

This tape was still sealed when I bought it, probably because the last person who owned it KNEW it was a turd. Putting the dedication right on the album cover is a good way to piss off the girl you have a crush on. Poor Liz. She ended up being permanently associated with some amateur asshole who can't sing.

Jimmy Mills butchers all your favorite classics here: Twilight Time, Stand By Me, Moon River, and many others he should have left alone.

This tape was duplicated by 'Canadian Cassette Services & Mfg LTD' who made all of Side B sound as if it was recorded on a tape deck buried under a pack of wet mud. Unfortunately, this technical handicap still doesn't hide how awful Jimmy sounds. Here's his atrocious version of "Twilight Time" (which, likely according to him, was single-handedly written by him... and for Liz, nonetheless.)

Listen to him kill my favorite Platters song

There. I tackled three more cassettes. As it stands, there's only 47 more for me to listen to, select songs from, scan the covers, and write shitty little paragraphs about how much they suck. Well, I guess not all of them suck. I mean, the Skallie tape isn't bad and Arnie's nasally vocals are sorta growing on me. Other than that, I think I deserve an addiction to anti-depressants.

Mr. Finley's Pharmacy

2012-01-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

Anti-drug videos are so much fun to watch. Here's one from 1982 teaching kids that eating prescription drugs can fuck you up. Personally, I'd be more terrified of the drugs making me look like these rubber puppets. There is something dreadfully wrong with the hippie puppet. Not only does his music suck since going sober, but he looks like something that has threatened to kill me in one of my past nightmares. It would've been more amusing to see him stab Mr. Finley with his acoustic guitar. That would certainly scare children into staying on the straightened path!

Special thanks go to the Winnipeg Public Library for turfing this piece of crap from their collection and the thrift store who sold it to me for 49 cents.

Cheap Imitations For The Soul

2012-01-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

I figured it's a good day to tackle some of the stuff that's been rotting in my 'in queue' box. It's been overflowing for quite some time, so I did a quick listen to a bunch of the cassettes in there. About 1/3 of them are being dumped because they're not interesting, good, nor terrible. Let us pray over the mass grave of the following artists who will NOT be featured on Classical Gas Emissions:

Bob & Brenda Penner, Sandra Mae Reimer, Bob Chartrand, Paul Who?, Lisa Serofin & Wild West, Eric Genius, David Lum, Nikki Hornsby, The Callens, Fulnormal, Tim Watson & Black Creek, The Musical Warriors, King Apparatus, Little Sister.

With these tapes no longer stinking up the box, I can now focus my energy on great albums such as...

Sounds Like Boney M

Sounds like Boner Mayonnaise if ya ask me! But seriously, it's not hard to sound like Boney M since they weren't much of a real group anyway. The original Boney M largely consisted of producer Frank Farian singing both the male and female vocals, and used a band to lip sync along with his recordings. He did something similar 10 years later with Milli Vanilli. True story!

Boney M was a fake studio creation, and this album is pretty much the same thing. For all I know, this could be the same batch of studio musicians who recorded Milli Vanilli's albums.

You're probably asking, "Who is that on the album cover?" The answer is pretty obvious... It's a black woman with hairy armpits who needs to visit a dentist RIGHT NOW.

Why they decided to split up "Night Flight To Venus" and "Rasputin" is anybody's guess, but I'm guessing they never actually listened to the album. Since splitting these two songs was the wrong thing to do, I've taken the liberty of surgically re-attaching the foreskin to the penis, and Boner M is now able to happily penetrate the holes in the sides of your head!

The announcer at the beginning sounds like he's talking into an electric fan while sitting in a cave. When Rasputin finally kicks in, the music becomes reminiscent of Ska rather than Disco. The male vocalist sounds like he's bored out of his skull and wishes he had a real record deal.

Regardless, "Smells like Boney M" doesn't stink as badly as it could have. Here's the highly enjoyable and newly spliced together "Nightflight to Venus / Rasputin" for you to laugh at.

Listen to it here!

Bill Cosby Is Not Himself Lately (Rat Own, Rat Own, Rat Own)

This album cover is hard evidence that Bill Cosby used to be a woman!

Just kidding. We all know that Bill Cosby is really just a cup of chocolate pudding.

The realistic idea behind this album cover is that the company who manufactured this used a generic picture for every album they released. In today's non-tolerance of defining sexual roles, this album cover becomes a prime example of how men and women are indeed equal and interchangeable. If you look hard enough, perhaps you'll be convinced that the person on this album cover is INDEED Bill Cosby.

When I found this, I honestly couldn't believe that some cheap imitation artist would re-record a Bill Cosby comedy album in its entirety. While listening to this atrocious piece of junk, I took comfort in knowing that (according to the label) that this was NOT Bill Cosby, but some asshole doing a really good voice impression of him. However, the guy sounded too much like Bill Cosby for me to dismiss that this may actually be a bootleg, so I compared it to the recordings on Youtube.

My findings were devastating. This is the REAL album. Not only that, it has to be the shittiest album Bill Cosby ever recorded. No wonder it's still out of print. Bill talks and 'sings' Barry White-esque vocals on every single song which sounds like a bad funk nightmare. With the exception of a few minor laughs, most of the album isn't funny. Its content mainly consists of repeating the phrase "rat own" over and over again which gets incredibly fucking stale after the first song. It becomes as unfunny as listening to an album of farting noises over Justin Bieber music.

Nevertheless, I feel I must post a track off this one.

Listen to "Garbage Truck Lady"

The Tony Mansell Singers - Bridge Over The Genius of Simon & Garfunkel

A better title for this album would be "Bridge Over Troubled Water - The Idiocy of The Tony Mansell Singers"

Over the last few years, I've posted a couple of really bad Simon & Garfunkel covers. There would have been more, but "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seemed to be one of the most favorite songs to ruin in the 1970s. We're not going to focus on that song this time because I think there's three different versions available for download on this site.

Instead, we're going to focus on the catchy little number called "Mrs. Robinson". The Tony Mansell Singers have sucked out the passionate vocals that Simon & Garfunkel gave us, and instead have recorded an incredibly happy-sounding gospel choir song. This version will make you want to bounce around like a flaming Peter Pan while punching any religious zealots who tell you God wants you to grow up.

Listen to "Mrs. Robinson"

I've got tons and tons more of these cheap imitation albums. I have yet to focus on the discography of "Sound Alike Music" where each album re-creates the sound of a different artist. Some of the artists I have in this series are Led Zeppelin, Grand Funk, Alice Cooper, and everyone's favorite, Engelbert Humperdinck! And they're really terrible!

Oh, and my blog's fifth anniversary is coming up. I'm looking forward to posting a special birthday entry in celebration!

Albums by Happy Couples

2012-01-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first post of 2012! We're going to start off the year on a happy note. I'm reviewing albums by happy couples who have been together for years.

...Now that the happy note is over, here's the sad note... Three out of four of these albums contain country music. Three out of four of these albums are Christian music. Yes, we're starting the new year off with a bang... a bang of four shitty albums hitting the bottom of the garbage can. I felt the need to wash my ears out with a Big Star album after hearing these four dreadful clumps of shit.

Hank & Anne - Pathways of Time

The first song on this album, "Jesus Help Me Walk" actually gave me some hope for this one. Not only does Hank have a cool voice, but the song is about going out, asking Jesus to play with his balls, and then asking for help walking home because he got too drunk. Well, that's the message I got from it anyway. The only time I usually pray to Jesus is when I get piss drunk and I'm heaving above a porcelain shit-disposer. Perhaps I should write a song called "Jesus help me puke"

Anyway, after such a great song, Hank's wife takes control of the album and ruins it with more sensible worship songs. Not only that, her voice sucks. To put a final gold star of failure on the album, the backing band is full of arthritis and alzheimers and can't seem to stick together while playing.

Download "Jesus Help Me Walk"

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Two Part Country

Yes! Weird Kevin Harcourt is back on Classical Gas Emissions! You can find my review of another one of his albums here. According to the inlay card, Weird Kevin put out a total of six album. Why??? He didn't need to!!! One was sufficient!!!

The amusing part about this album is the last song. It's repeated twice, but the second one is an answer song. Kevin sings the Waylon Jennings hit "Put Another Log On The Fire, Bitch" and Marg follows it up with a parody called "Put Your Own Goddam Log On The Motherfucking Fire, You Cocksucking Prick". This album is amusing for the sole reason that Kevin still looks like Weird Al, and Marg sounds like a nasal clog.

Download "Put Your Own Log On The Fire"

Bert & Liz Genaille - It's Different Now

Bert and Liz bring you their newest album called "It's Different Now" to follow up their last three efforts which were all titled "Same Shit As Before". This album is full of acoustic songs about Jesus saving their ass along with songs about Jesus doing other stuff.

Look at the cover. Even though they're both homely as hell, they look very in love. Well, Bert does at least. Liz doesn't look too happy, but that might be because she's too ugly to look happy. Regardless, They managed to crank out this boring album which I regretfully wasted my money on.

There seems to be a common thread with Christian albums I find. Many of them have Christian parodies of Folsom Prison Blues on them, and this one is no different. If you hate Johnny Cash and love Jesus, then you'll enjoy the fuck out of "Jesus Signed My Pardon".

Download it here!

Don and Immie - He Put The Song In My Heart

You can tell I bought this album solely because of the two mutants on the cover. Personally, I think the title "He Stuck The Song Up My Ass" would have been a better title for this album. Look at Don. It looks like someone stuck SOMETHING up his ass. Poor Immie is just an unfortunate accident from her mother drinking too much of Jesus' blood while pregnant.

I honestly thought that Don would be singing "Doink Doink JESUS!!! Doink Doink JESUS!!" or something equally as simplistic, but I'm afraid it's much worse. Not only does Don sing stupid songs, he sounds a LOT like Terry on that last video I posted. The song I'm offering has Don declaring his love to Jesus. After Don was finished singing this one, he needed to go touch the little piece of heaven between his legs and squonk one out. This song is AWFUL.

Download "The Lord of my Life"

Most of you are probably wondering if there's ANY Christian-themed songs that I actually like. Of course! Here's a list to prove it:

Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
Jesus Christ - Big Star
My Sweet Lord - George Harrison
Pray - M.C. Hammer
Jesus Is Just Alright - Doobie Brothers
Heaven - Talking Heads
Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden
Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock
Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi
Angel In My Heart - Britny Fox
Jehovah - Saigon Kick
Houses of the Holy - Led Zeppelin
Practice What You Preach - Testament
Judgment Day - Whitesnake
Thank God For The Bomb - Ozzy Osbourne
Thank God I'm A Country Boy - John Denver
Metal Gods - Judas Priest
Hard Rock Hallelujah - Lordi
Goddam Devil - Ugly Kid Joe
Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
There Is No God - Extreme
He's Kissing Christian - That Dog

And now you can't call me a Satan worshipper. So go download all those songs and light will shine from your computer monitor while you do it.

The Happy Happy Happy New Year Song

2011-12-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ted Meseyton (whoever the hell he is) entered a song writing contest by writing this timeless-sounding classic. Well, I can only assume he submitted it. If this was the cassette to be submitted, I doubt it made it to the contest because I found it in a box of crap someone threw in the trash, along with the Unicity Taxi video I posted a while back.

I hate this song. The trash was a good place for it.

Download it here.

Ted, you sound like you're really old. Please find something better to do with your retirement. Take up jigsaw puzzles or peeing in your wheelchair.

And on that note, we've pissed away yet another year on Classical Gas Emissions. Make way for 2012 which will have yet ANOTHER Armageddon threat, and more posts about junk I find. See you all in the happy happy happy new year!

Laura & Christine's Christmas Tape

2011-12-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to get one more entry up before Christmas, but I've been really busy. Part of it was making a crazy-ass home video for my girlfriend (which convinced me that I REALLY should have my own TV station) and of course the usual wrapping of gifts, shopping, ramming irritating people out of the way with 3-pack tubes of Christmas wrap, getting thrown out of Walmart, boycotting Walmart, and panhandling to pay the loitering fine that I got.

Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.

So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:

Listen to The Chipmunk Song

Download the entire tape here!

Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!

Killing Plenty of Fish - Part One

2011-12-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

About a year and a half ago, I found myself single again. It's not that I can't go out and meet women in person, but I can't do that when I'm working out of town or bored on a Sunday night. So to fill in some time during these off-hours, I made a Plenty Of Fish profile. I've had a little success off it, but nothing that classifies as "plenty of fish". I couldn't help but wonder what things were like on the female side of the coin, so I created a female profile. NOW I know why it's called "Plenty Of Fish". The fish are male sharks with raging hard peckers, looking to stalk and fuck anything that crosses their eyes.

Initially, I didn't respond to the 10+ messages I was getting per day. But over time, it was just to irresistible. I never knew how disgustingly desperate the men of the world are. So I began to interact and poke fun at them for their desperation, their use of netspeak, and the misuse of the acronym "lol".

I saved the best conversations for your reading pleasure. There was so much that I decided to break it up into two post. Without further ado, meet my alter-ego: Annabelle the bitch.

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toupeeguy

Him: haw are u i hope u are ok
so i'm looking for somone ho want have a god time and enjoy with him
if u are intersted text me that is

Her: Your piss-poor engrish is hilarious!

Him: yes i now because i'm new i speak french and spanish

Her: I want you to give me instructions on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Her: Where did you go? Message me!!!

Him: i don't now how to sey it to you sorry

Her: Please? For me? I think you're cute :)
Her: You eres un hombre dulce, pero haven respondió

Him: u to are a beautiful and i like u more than u so if u want
to meet me i have all time for u baby just say yes and i
will be yours a wana have some fun with u that all

Her: No problem, but first you still need to tell me how to make that sandwich.

Him: hi there

Her: Dude, I can't date you if you can't even fucking listen to me.

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superbrownnose71

Him: i am not a creep, i am a normal guy. fyi my name is chris. r u orginally from wpg.?

Her: What makes you 'not a creep'?

Him: cause i aint lookin for a **** or a one night stand . i am looking to meet someone that has time to spend with me and get to know one another. hopefully if things were right to take it to the next level. i basically just want some one to love me again. and well..... me love them back.thats it i aint hard to please.

Her: Get a dog

Him: that was a little uncalled for i am a single dad tryin to raise my boys all alone in an already tuff world. just opening up my heart. and u have to make some smart ass remark why? but whatever i hope u have a great evening.

Her: Good, I don't need a big baby for a boyfriend.

Him: whoa! i aint no suck. i am a mans man no worries there! i kinda like u already your kinda a challenge, lol

Her: Then why are you whining like my best friend when she's off her meds?

Him: lmaoo was meaning to whine. just telling you like it is. oh fyi bounus, i dont take meds. lol so instead of being mean what else do ya do? and dont be snotty with me be real. i can tell by your eyes you aint a **** at all.

Her: You can't tell shit by my eyes.

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longdonkeydick

Him: daaaaaaaam ;)

Her: Go buy a new keyboard. Yours is broken.

Him: lmao nope thats my heart lol

Her: Getting electrocuted might fix that

Him: your just a charmer eh lmao :P

Her: You're not

Him: you always this happy? lol

Her: Yes

Him: wow so whats wrong?

Her: Nothing

Him: lmao want me to stop messaging you?

Her: Sure

Him: lol your wish is my command ;) happy fishing

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zubbazubbazab

Him: Hello there. How is life treating you?

Her: Fine

Him: It's funny, I used to put "shiny things, wicker, sirens" as interests. But too many people were taking it literally.

Her: Poor you.

Him: Well it wasn't so much poor me. It was more so a result of my overestimation of the intellectual capabilities of the average person. I know realize that there are many 'simple' people out there who have trouble grasping concepts that I take for granted and who reply to others on POF using one or two word responses, as a result of their limited attention span.

-- You have been blocked by this user. Find someone else... --

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FatPig171

Him: hello, my name is justin, hows it going? wanna chat and get to know eachother?

Her: No

Him: oh. why not?

Her: You look creepy

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lengthylinky

Him: Hi how are you doing?

Her: Fine

Him: thats good.. whats your fav tv shows?

Her: Ellen

Him: cool mine too lol

Her: Liar

Him: lol i did lie but i didnt tend to make it like i was lying

Her: I don't like liars.

Him: lol. me eeiher but i was just trying to be funny cause im not sure what guys likes ellen

Her: You were ready to, just to impress me

Him: i have to try somewhere cause my looks dont get me far jk lol

Her: That's for sure

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angryolaf27

Him: Hey, you seem like a sweet down to earth lady. Give me the chance to get to know you
and I am sure you appreciate my friendship. If your interested in making another
friend, iam here to listen.

Her: That's nice

Him: It is, isn't it? :) So iam pretty new to this website and
iam pretty outgoing at trying to find new friends on here.
I am not one to play games or string you along, my
intentions is to meet new people and see what they are
like. I have several good friends, guys and girls that i
hang with already and I would like to broaden that horizon.
If your interested I would love to offer you a chance to
come out for wings/hockey game or something along that line
or we can chat more. Up to you really.

Her: I hate hockey

Him: It was just a suggesting, it would help me if you would be
glad to share some of you enjoyments.
Wait, do you hate wings to?

Her: Depends

Him: Of course. Anyways it was nice talking to u.
Bye

Her: It was?

Him: Not really. I think you having enjoyment out of these two
word replies plus, its a little more annoying when you
declined to chat which continues these 2 word replies.
Anyways, if you don't have much more to say, I won't
continue to ask.

Her: Okay

Him: Okay then :) Nice talking with you.

Her: You just lied to me again. You're a jerk.

Him: Well it is true i wasn't enjoying the 1 word replies but
now iam actually enjoying this a little. How did i lie to
you the first time?

Her: You told me you enjoyed chatting with me, and you weren't.

Him: Well, the chatting is sorta interesting now. I still don't
understand you that much. I think you like to poke fun,
which is good, but not all the time.
Do you like chatting with me?

Her: I can't believe anything you say, so it's kinda pointless now.

Him: I am sorry to disappoint you then. On a side note, how was
your day?

Her: Fine

(one month later)

Him: I miss talking to you! How are you doing?

Her: Oh... you're that lying bastard. I'd forgotten about you.

Him: You hold me in such high esteem. I am amazed.

Her: You shouldn't be

Him: Your right i am not that amazed. Just curious how our
virtual relationship got so out of hand.
You interested and having a few margaritas at pony to
discuss it?

Her: No, you'll probably show up at Boston Pizza or some shit.

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FrankZappy23

Him: Hhows it goin what types of wrkouts do you do

Her: I use punctuation and good spelling to make my sentences more attractive. You?

Him: Well, usually i use better grammar. Usually people say, why do u spell
the whole word when u are texting? Sorry for offendinding you, i
meant to be as attractive as i could.

Her: Did you sneeze when you typed "offendinding"?

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dr_poker_999

Him: Hi how's your evening going?

Her: Fine

Him: lol you don't sound happy to be chatting with me

Her: Nope

Him: y?

Her: z

Him: wtf

Her: lol

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JohnSanders

Him: Your pretty

Her: You're not.

Him: Wow that's fucking rude

Her: No, it's fucking honest.

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SeaMan1983

Him: Where do I sign up? :)

Her: For what?

Him: You asked where your Knight is, and I'm responding to the question.
Although, I should probably mention that I'm without a horse at the moment, but I'm pretty good without it. All the other prerequisites are met, shiny armor and all that.

Her: You're a pretty crappy knight if you don't have a horse. What do you use? A tricycle?

Him: I'm in an apartment and the landlord doesn't allow pets, and the neighbours would complain because the hay in front of my door. So I had to become a modern knight, but once a knight always a knight!
p.s.
I must say that I don't appreciate the remark about a tricycle. As a matter of fact, it's been quite some time since I got used to my training wheels.
Him: And on the other hand, while you're questioning my knightly credibility, there are requirements that need to be met by you too. How do I know you are a Lady in need of a knight?

Her: Because there's too many shit heads on this site. I need you to go kill some of them.

Him: We'll I told you knights are rare, chivalry is almost dead.
And that's a little harsh, it can't be that bad, can it?
What happened?

Her: I swear every guy on here wanks to my picture, gets cream all over their keyboard, and they can't spell because the keys don't work anymore

Him: Gross.
Is it the one with hay?
;)
Anyway, changing the subject...
My name's Ogi, what's yours?
And what would you like to do in health care? I am currently making my way into it, in university.

Her: Where the hell did you get that name?

Him: Where did I get it? Most likely in the hospital, when I was born. It's not my full name, just a short version.
Where did you get your name, and what is it?

Her: I got my name from my dead aunt who got murdered by being run over by a tractor.

Him: Who was behind the wheel

Her: My uncle Louis

Him: Like in the song: Louie, Louie...
So, how bored are you exactly?

Her: That wasn't very nice

Him: Really? What do you mean?

Her: It was an accident and comparing it to a dumb old song about a sailor is disrespectful

Him: Are you saying that it actually happened?

Her: No duhhh.

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GreatestManEver

Him: hey beautiful hows it going

Her: Not too bad, ugly

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countrysinger2010

Him: Hey there prettyanna23, Very beautiful picture. You're stunning!
I must say i'm pretty skeptical about this whole site :(
But I'm not really into the club scene, and i don't just go
hang out alone at places to meet people haha.

I'd like to find out a little bit about you.
What do you do for fun? Have you always lived in Winnipeg??
What's your favorite Movie? How has your summer been?? :)

I'm sure you have a lot of messages on this site to sift through,
but here goes my attempt at catching your attention :)

Allow me to introduce myself :)
I don't really want to write a
novel but here we go. My names Jerry
and I'm just looking to meet new fun
people to talk to, chill with and see how
things go. I'm a good old country boy that
now resides in the city .I love to play
guitar, write songs, and sing. I'm 6'4 athletic, brown
hair. I enjoy working out, outdoor activities,
movies, cuddling and music, not a bad dancer, but not spectacular. Maybe you could
show me lol. Id like to chat
more you if you'd like to chat. Hope to hear
from you :)

I'm just looking for a cool girl :) As mentioned
earlier, i'm really
not sure about this site for a lot of reasons.
I've read a lot of profiles but ive been signed up mostly for
humourous reasons, but i figured i'd message you.
Because I'm really out of the bar scene. It
sucks. I do go to bars once in a while if I
need to... This also makes it harder to find someone,
so why not try plenty of fish lol.
If i find something great, if not, maybe i'll
meet some cool new people to slam a few dozen beers with
when the occasion presents itself haha

I'm just looking for somebody to hang out
with, watch movies, workout with, go to
dinners, dancing and enjoy life. I hope I
hear from you! I think a cool first date
would be to grab a drink, maybe go
rollerblading, skating or bowling. Follow it
up with an evening stroll, then grab a bite
to eat, and go for a nice casual drive. All
geared towards allowing us to chat and get
to know each other. Although later on after
we know each other better a little cuddling
with a movie would be a nice change to
throw into the mix once in a while.

I guess i've said enough haha. I hope to hear from you :)
Are you on Facebook? I'm not on here very often

Oh and if you read this far congrats :p I'm also a singer

(youtube link to country music video)

Her: You expect me to read all that shit?

Him: Guess not

Her: lol

Him: :) night

Her: I watched some of your video. I forgot how much I hate country music.

Him: Well arent you happy lol

Her: That wasn't very happy music

Him: Nice meeting yah. Good luck fishing :)

Her: Sure

******************************************************************
hockeyman_25

Him: whats up sexy

Her: Not much, creepy.

******************************************************************
Seffy010101

Him: I am ryan. How is pof?

Her: Shitty

Him: We can change that. I had a horrible expierence off here. Ur pretty btw

Her: You're not

Him: Lol ouch. I like it..

Her: That's good. You should stick your face in a blender and make it worse.

Him: I might. U will be an accomplice to suicide.

Her: Nope. Totally innocent.

Him: U think so. Try me. Tell me to do it again. Ur no prize.

Her: Got that right

******************************************************************
SuperForeignCasanova

Him: hi how r you

Her: Fine

Him: me to lol

Her: What's so funny?

Him: i dont no

Her: Then why were you lol?

Him: i ask you how r you you tolmi fean
Him: soory maerading eglish es so so you r beautiful

Her: Did you just slam your head on the keyboard?

Him: no i kaent raed eglish good

Her: Yeah right

Him: no iam from macedonia skoje iam ny her en canada 5
yers
Him: ok her es me ceel nomber i spik eglish weth aksent 4xx5xxx
Him: so wae do you do foor fain

Her: Wait, what planet were you from again?

Him: macedonia lok en googel

Her: Okay. Will I get extraterrestrial charges if I call you?

Him: no i am en winnipeg i liv her 12044xx5xxx

Her: Can you tell me how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Him: yes you tost the bred an but peanut butter and jelly

Her: More detail please...

Him: i dont no how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Him: i no ho to mek Popcorn

Her: Okay, tell me how to do that.

Him: no wrile i wael lov tomet you ef es any chans

Her: Igu um mleh flik unga bunga jub milf sloth glunk to you too! :)

Him: i tol yuo i dont raed eglish good soory princess
Him: cool me plls

Her: LOL!

Him: plls

Her: Pills are good.

Him: no pills pless

Her: Why not?

Him: cool me
Him: waet es you r naim i am gani
Him: hi how r you doing

Her: Fine, and yes you are cool.

Him: how r you doing beautiful

Her: Fine

Him: me to iam good
Him: waet dit you do laest naht you go aut

Her: You're so cute with your sdfj eryertw cbnmghk asfdasj dfdfg

Him: i tol you maerading eglish es so so

******************************************************************
john7755

Him: Hey how's it going

Her: Fine

Him: What are u looking for

Her: My ipod

Him: Lol

******************************************************************
GilbertHappy

Him: hey how r u? i am adam nice 2 meet u id just like 2 hangout mayb watch a movie n
cuddles or just have coffee or sit listen 2 music n chat

Her: Could you re-write your sentence with a couple of 3's in it?

Him: y?

Her: z.

******************************************************************
fastcar68

Him: hey there my name is david. how are ?. so what do u want in life?. what are you looking for from here?

Her: Did you think, proofread, and correct your spelling before you hit "Send Message"?

Him: lol sory was it looking lol.so what are you looking for from this site?.what do you want in life?.

Her: I'm looking for good spellers, but I'm failing miserably.

Him: wow that alitle judgmental? wy dont u look for someone who is sweet careing who has a good job who can stand on there own 2 feet. just bc someone is not a good spller wy judge them ?

Her: If I looked for that, I'd be fucking every guy on this site.

Him: that i dont understand about girl there very fast to judge.someone can do very good for them self and theyt well judge right away . wy is that pls tell me
Him: wy judge someone on ? im upset with this
Him: any way im over it . what else do you look for? what do you want from t6his site?

Her:I'd answer you if I could figure out what the hell you're writing. Could you use babelfish and translate that into French?

Him: what ever have fun

Her: I will

Him: im sure u well

Her: lol

Him: u thiink thats funny.

Her: Yup. Still waiting for you to talk to me in French.

Him: lol i dont no how .u talk to me in french?.

Her: You can barely speak English for chrissake. Your French HAS to be better.

Him: i can speack just ****ing fine.u dont no me you no nothing about me. just bc i have trouble spelling dose mean i cant speak english. pepel have trouble in thing im pertty sure u have trouble in doing some thing. ur not perfect
Him: ????????????? u pest me off i aready no what kind off girl u are and want no part of it so have fun

Her: LMAO!

Him: whats sooo funny?

Her: You're more emotional than an old woman going through menopause

Him: lol

Her: Do you get hot flashes?

Him: well u keep on meassge me? wy.if u want to get to n a nice guy who dose it judge. text me 6xx 8xxx

Her: You dose a what?

Him: what? doseit judge . there my nomber use it lol. im to tierd to meassge on here lol.

Her: Then go to bed lol

Him: i did lol i just woke up lol. are you going be nice now ?

Her: You said you were tired. Go back to bed.

Him: anser my ?. i am but i have to get up lol

Her: No you don't. Go back to bed.

Him: i cant i do have a life cant sleep all day lol. i dont live at home, momey and dady dont pay my shit.

Her: Probably because your shit stinks lol

Him: fuuny funny girl im dose talk to u. when u want to be nice meassge i dont del with girls who think there all when ur realy not

Her: Oh boo hoo. The tiny sweet girl blew down the big bad wolf, lol.

Him: not really im not a big bad wolf. i really nice guy. and thing igs girls cant handel that.

Her: Okay, you're a cute little bug that I squashed with my foot.

Him: ol ur funny u talk big lol. is this site a game for you? go read my profile then dont waste my time

Her: Okay, I looked at your profile. Judging from your pictures, you fucked a young chick, an older chick, an old man, Ian Rabb, Cookie Monster, a horse, and then procreated with a blonde bimbo.

Him: Really that girl is my momter and the other one is my cuz I'm all
about famliy I guise u no nothing about that ur just a dumb girl
Him: U wich I look like her when ur 50 stop meassge tell u grow up

Her: Your spelling gets worse when you're pissed off, LOL

Him: Ya it dose lol don't piss me off

Her: I'll bet you can't talk for shit either when you're mad. You probably just garble like a scratched CD.

Him: Lol no I don't . Well don't meassge unless u want to get to no me I don't have time for this

Her: You don't have time to learn how to spell either.

Macarena Christmas Album

2011-11-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Macarena ANYTHING is awful.

The Macarena came out when I was in high school. It was played about five times during every high school dance and five billion times everywhere else. For the entire year, the Macarena ruled the airwaves. Eventually, this bad fart of a song dissipated. The plug was pulled faster than Milli Vanilli's grammy was reclaimed.

Everyone tried to cash in on this fucking song. It seems that nobody held the copyright to it, so Macarena everyfuckingthing flooded the store shelves. Mass production went into releasing instruction videos, more instruction videos, and a few other instruction videos. Also on the shelves were non-stop Macarena dance CDs. Seventy-two minutes of non-stop Macarena! At Christmas time (although I can't verify it) we had animatronic Macarena Santa Claus. And then there was this piece of shit album buried in the pile somewhere.

I'm surprised I found a copy of this. I didn't think ANYBODY would be stupid enough to buy something this dumb. This is the WORST Christmas album I own. Even Khool Yule is better than this. There's four songs on it:

1) Macarena Christmas (16:37)
2) Macarena Christmas Instrumental (16:38)
3) Reggae Christmas (14:36)
4) Macarena Christmas Radio Version (4:26)

The only reason "Macarena Christmas Instrumental" exists is for filler. You can't sell a $12 compact disc with just one 16 minute track, so you fill over half the CD with the same piece of garbage repeated twice, except the second time is even more boring than the first.

And who the hell is Los Navedinos? Probably just some fucking cheap-imitation Puertoricans who wanted to cash in with their non-existent nationality and a shitty song.

Since it's Christmas and I don't hate you enough to post the 16 minute version, I'm posting the radio version. The funny thing about the radio version is that NO RADIO STATION ON EARTH was going to play Macarena Christmas done by a couple of shithead imitation puertoricans who happen to be friends of some loser studio musicians.

blung diddy blung diddy blung Macarena
Pleb pleb pleb plab glung glung flabakina
blung dit pla plung gling gling Macarena
HEY Downaloada!!!

Terry's Public Access Performance

2011-11-11T06:31:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, I happily unearthed another shitty singer from the same TV show that Henrietta and Merna appeared on. Who knows, this might be Merna's dad! He's got a really bad comb-over and judging from the expression on his face, he's constipated.

This aired probably a year after Henrietta and Merna sang their hit "Go Tell It On The Mountain". Not only that, this aired just after the assholes at Shaw Communications took over Winnipeg's two little cable companies, and put an end to quality programing like this on the public access channel. Now we get nothing but boring college basketball and other crap that has absolutely no imagination nor creativity, which is one of the largest reasons I've never signed up with Shaw for their lousy cable TV service.

But, let's forget about those assholes for a while and enjoy one of Winnipeg's final public access moments, at least until the videotape glitch puts an end to Terry's singing career.

Junq Tour 2011: Steinbach

2011-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

Steinbach is a pretty big town full of Mennonites. Understandably, the thrift store was LOADED with Christian stuff. I really didn't need to be walking out with an armful of crap that wasn't worthy of being posted, so I had to choose my items wisely. Choosing bad Christian items wisely isn't easy because pretty much everything looked terrible. Therefore, I had to choose items that were excessively terrible. Here's what I got:

Video: The Public Life of Sissy Pike

I don't know what I was expecting with this video. Her name should be "Sissy Puke" because I was doing plenty of that after I finished watching this tape. The text "Do not induce vomiting" should have been splashed on the back of the box instead of "A look into the drama of a teen girl's life!" I was hoping she would become a crack dealer or get anal fucked by the pastor or something (ANYTHING) remotely interesting. The truth is, there's no real plot and the entire video consists of petty, pointless bickering amongst teenage girls. Well, except for Miss Puke here. She's a good little pastor's daughter.

There were two boys she could have fucked in this video. The first was a boy who kept coming to the door for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Early in the video, it's made understood that he has a boner for Sissy and is going to be a major player in the drama. He only appears briefly two more times after his initial appearance which made me wonder what the goddam point was for his existence.

The second boy was this kid in her youth group. He hid his bulging penis quite well throughout this movie, and then completely dropped off the radar. There was a lot of off-screen premature ejaculation to be had while this thing was filmed, and it would have made better content than the corny piss-fest that dominated the duration of this shitty VHS tape.

I've forever lost this hour out of my life, and now YOU have to hear me bitch and whine about it because I bought this shit to entertain YOU. I work so bloody hard, screening this crap for YOUR enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm getting older and that flat spot on my forehead is getting flatter from banging it against my coffee table, watching these retarded Christian videos. I blame Jesus for this lost time. If he didn't influence the assholes who made this video, I'd be reviewing something cool.

All The Kids: Stories for All The Family

Moving on, I can cheerfully say that this is a great record! It has three stories on it, each meant to teach children valuable life lessons. Here's the quote from the back of the record:

"All the Kids" is a family album designed for enjoyment by all the kids and their moms and dad, too. Professional performers dramatize the action, and each story draws from the problems and adventures of boys and girls in real life. This true-to-life action, together with imaginative sound effects and music, is a combination sure to keep even the liveliest youngsters close to the record player for many hours of happy listening.

Considering that the album isn't even an hour long, I'm guessing the guy who wrote that had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. The voice acting is atrocious, the dramatic 1950s music induces black & while hallucinations, and the stories are laughably retarded. The sound effect used for footsteps is identical to the noise of banging a rock on the kitchen table. Here's a brief summary of what we've got here:

1) Inasmuch
This is a story about a dead mom who's husband becomes a drunk, starves his children, and the happy ending has the children going to live with their estranged aunt while their father is left to rot in the gutter. (clip here)

2) Prayer-Planks
I have no clue what this is about because I was too busy laughing at the terrible British and Japanese accents. (clip here)

3) Teenage Dupe
Much to this emotionally tormented mother's grief, her 20 year old son gets thrown into jail for ripping off his employer. (clip here)

If your idea of fun is giving your kids nightmares, I've taken the liberty of digitizing the whole thing. Please use the comments section to tell me how this record has made them victims of their bad dreams.

Download the entire thing here!

Ashtray Lamp

This is extremely cool! I paid a whole $4 for this item. After a bit of research, I found out that it was manufactured by Beauceware sometime around 1963.

The ashtray part has two extra compartments: one for your cigarettes, and one for your beer.

And here it is, happily lighting up a room.

Now, I'm off to learn how to smoke. Hey, I gotta take it for a test drive!

My Own Tunes

2011-11-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

The stupidity is endless when I'm out garage sale shopping. Look at what I bought during the Summer:

17 cassettes that have essentially the same song on each of them with only the name changed on each. I ended up with two copies of "Sean". There's more in the series, and unfortunately the one with my name isn't in this batch. These were made by a company called "Kidselebration" and I remember seeing them sold in novelty shops back in the 90s.

I love the packaging. It boasts that there's 28 minutes of songs, but half of that is repeated because both sides are the same. That's like selling a CD boasting "68 Minutes of Iron Butterfly" with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida repeated four times. Not only that, you get to hear your name 23 times. Now, is that 23 times during the entire 28 minutes, or 23 times non-repeated? It must be non-repeated because side one would then consist of saying your name 11 1/2 times. It might be difficult to do that with the name "Brett".

I suppose I could come out with a crappy song tape that says your name 26 times, then I could brag, "Hear your name three more times than the other leading brand!" I'd probably have to use different names like "Dweezil" and "Terri-Lynn" to avoid a lawsuit from Kidselebration.

For you idiots who happened to name your daughter Trevor, you're in luck because as the back of the box says, "the songs do not refer specifically to boys or girls, so names can work for either." On top of that, the "names are not spelled in the songs" so if you're like me and your parents fucked up the spelling of your name (I'm looking at you Reychalle) then you won't be crying because the stupid tape only spells your name wrong on the label.

The price tag on the back of these is marked at $8.99 each. I didn't even pay that much for the whole shot! Personally, I think $8.99 for 28 minutes of songs which is actually 14 minutes of songs is a rip-off.

The songs are awful, but I think that's expected when you look at the age range on the package and consider the name and gender neutrality that comes with it. Anyway, here's the first song on the Rachel tape. I personally don't have the tolerance (nor the time) to post the other crappy songs.

Listen to You'll Go Far (With Lots of Heart) ... The Rachel version

Update (Jan 8, 2012): Due to the large demand, I've turned all the cassettes into MP3s. They are available in the download section. If I find more of them out in the wild, I'll make them available. Feel free to post the direct links on Facebook! :)

Junq Tour 2011: Brandon

2011-11-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

Brandon is the wheat-picking capital of the world. It is also home to Brandon University where you can get educated and certified as a qualified wheat-picker. Brandon's thrift stores are always a hit or miss. This round was mostly a miss, but I did find a couple of things that weren't worth buying, but like the stupid dumbass that I am, I bought them anyway.

Kathy Bender - Can't You See God's Fingerprints?

After her previous album entitled "Can't You Smell God's Farts" was a total flop, Kathy ventured into a cave, recorded this album, and killed Goliath by boring him to death with this lousy music. There's nothing worth hearing on this album, so let's move on.

The Chuck Fulmore Trio - Happy!

There are a couple of typos on this album cover. It should be called "Crappy! The Fuck Chulmore Threesome" It's a dreadfully shitty Christian album with a ridiculous cover. I guess the Lord doesn't give Chuck a dental plan because those teeth are on par with my rotting leftover Halloween pumpkin. The younger woman is trying to camouflage in the field with her floral dress, and the old lady looks like a man with a bad wig. I'm really tired of buying boring Christian albums and reaping nothing for supporting the Lord's music. He could at least make these guys funny. Yet again, nothing good to be found here.

Hits a Go Go

Ah! We always get something good off an album from the Arc label. What surprised me about this one is they mentioned the artists who are performing on this poopy platter. We've got hit-makers such as Sam the Ham, Buddy, Buddy & Me, Jo Jo, Jay & The Juniors, and a bunch of other cream-chuggers. The quote on the back of the album says:

Hey Guys and Gals, - Let's have a go go party. Here are all the latest hits, in the original rendition, performed by some of America's greatest Nite-Club entertainers. They're great, and you'll love them. The beat is there and the original hit sound. All we need is you and some friends for a swingin' party. So grab this one and let's "move it".

Personally, if I want a "swingin' party", I'll listen to the song by The Replacements. If I wanted to "move it", I'll listen to the song by Great White. And no Arc, I don't love these shitty performers. They suck. Check out the harmonies on this atrocious recording:

Listen to "Catch Us If You Can"

Black's Photography DVD

I'd never seen one of these before. There were two of them at the thrift store, and at two bucks a pop, I wasn't going to risk buying two pieces of shit I didn't want. Turns out, this was probably the best find and I'm regretting not picking up the other one. This DVD contains someone's 8mm home movies made during the 1960s.

The following video is a collection of kids opening Christmas toys. I was able to pinpoint the second segment of the video being Christmas 1965 by identifying the Tonka Toy that the boy opens. The audio track is taken from "Christmas with The Chippers" which was released on our beloved (and ever-so-shitty) Arc label in 1963, giving this video some authentic for-the-time audio. This new soundtrack makes the film much more enjoyable (the old soundtrack was blank), and it includes The Chippers' atrocious and horribly abrasive version of "Jingle Bells"

With Christmas coming up, this video is sure to warm the hearts of all you old crunch-bags who remember 1965.

Just as a side note, I'm backed up quite badly with my Junq Tour entries and I haven't been in "writing mode" as of late. Therefore, I need to light a fire under my ass and hope I don't fart while getting the rest of my magnificent findings up for you to enjoy.

Candid Pics: 11/10/18

2011-10-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted random pictures of crap. I've got a few that have been rotting on my phone, so I figured it's time to reveal them to the world.

The Ayn Rand of couriers

This was taken last Halloween while trick-or-treating

Someone defaced this poor Abba Greatest Hits album before giving it to the thrift store.

Faggot Ken doll in the bargain bin.

Instead of fixing your patio blocks, cram a bunch of broken DVD players and satellite receivers in the empty space.

I don't remember where the fuck I took this picture

More random writing in the dirt on someone's vehicle

Junq Tour: Rosetown, SK

2011-10-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I replaced my stereo amplifier! I can listen to blog entries in full blown quadraphonic sound again! And they sound great! Well, as great as a 92 year old man who has pain while peeing, but the groans of agony are crystal clear! I picked up a beautiful Sansui AU-6600 for ten bucks, and it's been a pretty decent replacement for my old Acoustic Research amp.

Rosetown, Saskatchewan is where my brother and his family live. I never knew they had a thrift store there. It was absolutely loaded with crappy albums that nobody wanted, and I had to pick wiseley or I'd end up spending $30-$40 on a big pile of garbage that I wouldn't bother posting. I still ended up with crap I don't wanna post, so those lovely thrift store people can rejoice for reeling in a sucker like me.

Saskatchewan Express - Hello World!

People in Saskatchewan seem to really love their province, while those of us in Manitoba hate ours. This tape was recorded by a group of performers who apparently put on a musical about Saskatchewan. Personally, I think making a musical about Saskatchewan is on par with making a musical about cellophane, but what the fuck do I know? I generally hate musicals.

Now, I could've put up the cover of Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" (which is just as bad as the original) but I decided to put up a song called The Saskatchewan Blues. It's not incredibly amusing, but since Saskatchewanian music doesn't seem to drift outside of Saskatchewan very often, I figured it was appropriate to start off the entry with this one.

Listen to The Saskatchewan Blues

Streetnix - Listen

I really didn't know what to expect when I bought this CD. It has got a bunch of covers songs on it, so I figured it was probably going to be some shitty cover band from Saskatoon. All I can say is that they're not really a band. It's an a-capella barber shop group doing covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Queen, Elvis, and a few others. Surprised the hell out of me!

My biggest debate was whether to post their ultra-shitty Beatles medley (which is REALLY fucking bad) or post a track I actually like. I went with the latter for a change. I have to say that I really do enjoy this track, but it's floating in a sea of barber shit.

Listen to U2's Mysterious Ways done a-capella

The Waldners Messengers For Jesus - He Took My Place

Look at the superstars on the cover of this one! There's Clara, Susanna, Lenard, and a bunch of other assholes. None of their last names appear on this album except for Mike who enjoys singing sexy duets with John. This is a Country & Western Christian album, so you get twice the reason to go into a deep depression and kill yourself after listening to this miserable thing. The cool thing about this album is if you re-arrange the song titles, you come up with a story...

I hear the lord is coming
Up calvary's hill
Just over yonder.
Yes he walked.
How Great thou art,
Wounded soldier.
He took my place,
He wrote my name.
He spelled it wrong,
That motherfucker.

Okay, so I made the last two up. It was getting boring so I had to make the Lord do something more interesting than just walking around looking for worship.

Listen to a really bad Johnny Cash parody

Three Shitty Albums by The Kevin Quist Family

I think I bought their entire discography. Each tape will induce holy yawns as you fall asleep to this boring country gospel music. The best thing about owning these is you get to see their kids grow up on the album covers. The first one was printed on Fujicolor paper.

Nothing decent to extract from these albums so let's move on...

Carl Boyd - Iron Grease & Steam

Since we can't seem to get enough of trashing the Johnny Cash classic "Folsom Prison Blues" by adding shitty Christian lyrics, here it is again. It starts off like any of the other shitty albums in this entry, and Carl's improvised "Wooohooooo" train sound just makes me laugh. But the last verse has been raped and has left a gay priest's cum dribbling from his cellmate's ass. With that picture firmly planted in your head, I hope you enjoy this violation from "Anal Grease & Cream"

Listen to ANOTHER bad Johnny Cash cover

Gayle McCulloch - Let Climax Shine

When you climax onto the bedspread in the pale moonlight, it shines! When you play country and western music on the organ, nobody climaxes and people leave frustrated. This is a boring CD and not worth the two bucks I paid for it. Gayle autographed the inlay card with "Enjoy the tunes, thanks!" I guess whoever had this CD before me didn't enjoy it either.

Arnie - A Tribute To Hank - My Inspiration

Yes, I found another goddam tape by this guy. It seems that he's sold more albums than Nazareth because I've seen more fucking Arnie tapes than copies of Razamanaz. Instead of playing the plunger on this album, Arnie sings. For the benefit of us all, Arnie should just stick to toilet music because his voice sounds butt-squeaking awful.

More of Arnie's albums can be found HERE and HERE and there's another one I haven't posted yet.

Listen to Arnie squeak out "Your Cheatin' Heart"

The Greengrass Bros. - MORE Great Classics

After listening to a chunk of side two, I wasn't going to post anything by these guys. However, a brief switch over to side one made me changed my mind. It seems that the master tape this was copied from is buggered up, and all the songs have this hilarious warble to them! I am convinced that this error in the copying process has made the album a thousand times more enjoyable. So enjoy lighting up a doobie with the SmokingGreenGrass Bros and listen to their warped and fucked up version of "My Bonnie".

Listen Here!

Now, to finish off the blog entry, here's a video from my nephew who will show you how to make yourself a tasty lunch that's not even fucking close to being nutritious.

Junq Tour 2011: Weyburn, SK

2011-09-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

The left channel on my main stereo amplifier (manufactured in 1966) seems to be fizzling out. It's given me great service since I acquired it in 1993. I tried to buy another one on Ebay for fifty bucks, but I was outbid and the winner got it for a whopping $209. My original one was given to me for free... FUCK YOU $209!

So until I replace it or take the time to repair it (yes, I can remove the screws because I'm an authorized technician), I'm listening to all my lo-fi albums in Xtreme-lo-fi!

Anyway, This and the next entry will document the two thrift stores I visited in Saskatchewan. The one in Weyburn didn't have a whole lot, but I came out with two trashy treasures:

Analynn - Sounds Of Love

Well, I suppose it's better than her other non-hit albums entitled "Sounds of Indigestion" and "Sounds of Squishing Puppies". This album was recorded in 1983, but it sounds like it was recorded in 1981 on one of those cheap K-mart cassettes. You know the ones... they came in threes sealed in a plastic bag with no cases. The green labels were used for 90 minute tapes, the orange labels for 60 minute tapes. They were all stamped "low noise" which included the noise you recorded on them.

Anyway, the inlay card of Analynn's album mentions that 'ORPAC & Productions Ltd' recorded this cassette in Dolby Stereo. Now, for those who don't know (and this includes ORPAC & Productions Ltd) Dolby Stereo is a method of encoding two channel audio signals onto film for motion pictures. So I call bullshit on this one because it sounds like it was played through a static-filled AM Radio station rather than a piece of movie film.

Now, listen to what a good high sounds like.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders - Eleven (That's Enough)

Yes, the 1988 Saskatchewan Roughriders decided to record a song, and its dreadfully awful. The chorus goes "Eleven. (Eleven!) Yeah. (Yeah!) That's Enough. (That's Enough!)" Jock creativity at it's finest!!! Since the Saskatchewan Roughriders can't fucking sing, they recorded a rap song (and they weren't any good at that either). However, after they realized they didn't have any musical talent, they put more effort into playing football rather than playing music and won the Grey Cup the following year. They haven't won the Grey Cup since, so I'm guessing it's time to get their asses back into the studio and record their next hit single entitled "Blump (I got tackled)"

It sounds as if someone attempted to record over the first few seconds of this recording (and I can't blame them), but their tape deck was a piece of crap.

Listen to the dumb song

And now, stay tuned for one more installation of the Saskatchewan Junq Tour!

"Fantastic F" 8-tracks

2011-09-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

Since I've been ignoring the 8-track format as of late, I figured I'd focus on four 8-tracks released by some poop-hole company called "Fantastic F". What the hell does the F stand for? Fuck? Fart? Fudgepacker? Well, my guess is fudgepacker since they packed a lot of shit onto these four tapes.

By the way, did I ever tell you about my kick ass Superscope 8-track player? It's pretty sweet. I bought it about three or four years ago. Look how snazzy it looks with a Fantastic Fudgepacker tape jammed into the orifice.

Go figure that I'd buy a high-end player and play nothing but garbage tapes on it.

Anyway, Fantastic F's 8-tracks are the most colorful cartridges I've ever seen. If you place one of these fuckers around some other blandly-colored 8-tracks in a store, your eye is gonna catch them before you grab Pink Floyd's "The Wall" or The Beatles' "White Album" (by the way, the 8-track release of The Beatles' "White Album" has black and white pictures of all four Beatles on them. Can't really call that a "white" album!)

Anyway, let's get down to these very loud-looking 8-tracks...

A Tribute to Fleetwood Mac

This one actually isn't too bad. The covers are pretty faithful to the originals. The problem with this 8-track is it was mastered to damn loud, and peaks of the wave file are cut off even when I record it at a quieter volume. Hooray for the shitheads at The General Music Corporation!

Listen to Dreams

Super Disco April 1976: Sweet Love - Only Sixteen and others

There's a total of about two disco songs on this one. The rest are miscellaneous other tracks that don't belong on a disco collection. It's much like their "Hits of the 50s" 8-track (in this entry) which also contained hits of the 60s.

Their version of Slow Ride isn't totally awful, but it's one of the few songs on this tape which I'm most familiar with.

Listen to it here!

Super Rock: Do Ya - Hotel California and others

The audio on this 8-track was recorded too loud, it's a bit distorted, and the track I'm putting up sounds like it was recorded with a tin can microphone. Regardless, we've got the same singer trying to pull off some Electric Light Orchestra. I don't hear any of the awesome harmonies that are in the original version, and it makes you feel like you're eating a Caramilk bar with no fucking caramel in it.

Listen to Do Ya

Super Rock Volume 1

Whoever the fuck is naming Fantastic F's compilations of crap should be fired. But then again, they're probably not getting paid enough to give a shit about the name of the tape since these 8-tracks are bottom-of-the-barrel pieces of junk, offered at a much lower price than those expensive K-Tel compilations.

This is the worst one of the bunch. Not only does it contain the song "Dream Weaver", but it contains the worst rendition of Aerosmith's "Dream On" I've ever heard. The guitar playing sucks, and half of the lyrics are wrong. "I know everybody say you've got your blues to blow away" is a line that was pulled out of Fantastic F's Fudgehole. If you don't believe it's awful, listen for yourself:

Listen to Dream On

And that's it for this entry. I've got some stuff that I picked up while I was in Saskatchewan, so stay tuned for a super nifty edition of the Junq Tour!

X-rated BBS Ads

2011-09-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here's another computer I scrounged up. It's a cute yet ugly little 386. Yes, I modified the display to show "FU". This computer has Windows 3.1 on it along with many DOS applications, one of which was a .gif image viewer. I used this piece of software to view the many x-rated .gif files that were stored on this computer.

There's quite a few interesting things about this batch of porn I found. First of all, the date stamps are from 1993. Second, the few that have copyright years noted on them are from before 1993. Third, they're all in color. Fourth, they all have BBS ads added into the image (a BBS (Bulletin Board System) was a computer system people could dial into and download files, post messages, and play 'door games' such as "Legend of the Red Dragon", all of which predated the popularity of the Internet). The BBS owners likely put their ads onto these pictures to prevent other BBSes from stealing them for their own, and to help promote their boards.

Computer image scanners didn't really appear until the early-to-mid 90s, and even so, the affordable ones were initially black and white handheld pieces of junk. The people who scanned these images either had a shitload of money to spend on scanning equipment, or they had access to a color image scanner belonging to a professional business.

Even color PC monitors weren't in existence for very long before these images were scanned. I clearly recall using Windows 3.11 on a 286 with a monochrome monitor.

First, the warnings...
THESE IMAGES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!
THESE IMAGES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR THOSE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE!!!

And now, feel free to enjoy these nifty-looking BBS ads:

The Dirty Hacker BBS
Electric Blue BBS
The McHenry BBS
Rusty Eddie's BBS
The Taste BBS
Windy City / TomCatPix BBS

Album: Steve Wilson - Get Your Groove Back

2011-08-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ever hear a child create music on one of those V-Tech toys? I have, and it sound just like this album does. I got my 4 year old one of those toys, and he can actually play songs on that thing. I have no clue what the fuck this guy is doing, but the music is dis-jointed, out of tune, and to sum it all up in one word... dyslexic.

It was one of my dear readers who brought my attention to this guy. I must admit, I deserve it for all the garbage I've put on this site over the years. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?

I can't help but try to figure out if Stevie Wilson is blind, playing a joke, or dead serious. After taking a look at his record label (hosted by Angelfire nonetheless) I've come to the conclusion that he is DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS about his music, which sounds a lot like an old farmer singing while his horse gags on a kitten in heat.

I'd like to quote Steve's website on what inspired him before I subject you to a couple of his songs...

While living in Chicago during the early 6O's and delivering mail in the Maxwell street area, Steve was suddenly struck with the blues.

Poor fucking guy sure worked a depressing job, didn't he? I mean, what job is more depressing than delivering mail? He could've been a toilet scrubber or a slave, but I guess those jobs were just way too good for him. I have to wonder how many times he thought about slitting his throat with a white paper envelope and just ending it all.

But look where the Blues led him... He started his own record label! He even signed his dead dad to the label. My grandmother was a Ukrainian polka queen who died in '97, maybe she could get a record deal too!

Anyway, I'm being very unfair. I'd even go as far as to say I'm being an asshole. I should leave YOU the reader (and listener) to judge good ol' Steve Wilson for yourself. Here's the title track for his album...

Listen to "Get Your Groove Back"

And just in case this sample makes you desperately want a copy for yourself, here's an amazon link for buying your very own copy!

Let me individually review a few of these songs...

Alicia: This would be a pretty song if it were sung and played by a REAL musician.
Hope You're Alright: Steve, you are NOT the big bopper. Quit stalking old ladies.
A Thousand Years: The approximate length of this stupid recording
The Wedding: That poor bride obviously doesn't know Steve gave the DJ a copy of this song.
A Playboy's Confession: Not much of a playboy if he can't even play the fucking piano.

The others are... well... shitty. Not to mention the songs I listed above are shitty too. However, the title track is so awf..some that Steve decided to repeat it as a bonus track. Personally, I would've preferred his Christmas song (on his website) as a bonus track. Ending the album with a song about his dead mother would have been the icing on the dung cake.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be RnB music. Sounds like BrF to me... with the exception of his tribute to 50's doo-wop. Let's listen to that!

Listen to "You're Home"

Now wasn't that a treat? More entertaining than untwisting a twisted Slinky.

I hope Steve decide to record more music. I hope his dead dad records some too. I think the soothing sound of dirt and worms would bring justice to his record label. I'm still blown away that you can buy this turd on Amazon. I guess it just goes to prove that any asshole can release anything through Amazon.

To wrap up this entry, I was going to record a tribute to Steve on my kid's V-Tech keyboard. Unfortunately, I'm too talented to make it sound as bad as this crap.

Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion Part 2

2011-08-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been able to acquire every album by Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion. The bad news is they still suck. You can read about the first album I bought by them
here.

Bucky Dee James got signed by the Springboard label after he did a drunken Elvis impression at a friend's Christmas party. They based his talent on his twitchy snarly lip rather than his ability to sound remotely like Elvis.

Springboard seems to have the knack for finding garbage talent to record in their studio. If you're wondering what else Springboard has to offer, someone was kind enough to post an almost complete discography here. I must say that it's interesting to look through. It seems that Springboard specialized in making bootlegs until catalog number SPB-4075 when they started recording their own garbage. In other words, we have lawsuits to thank for giving Bucky Dee James his big break. Without lawsuits, this world would be void of talentless hacks like Bucky.

The first album up for criticism is "The Hits of Elvis Presley Vol. 2"

I've picked up a LOT of cheap imitation albums, and most of them have "Vol. 1" placed after the title. However, it's extremely rare that I'm able to find a Vol.2. Bucky lived up to his promise and brought us more atrocious Elvis covers. Here's a list of the grave spinners we get this round:

It's Now Or Never
Are You Lonesome Tonight
Surrender
Can't Help Falling In Love
Good Luck Charm
Return To Sender
Suspicious Minds
The Wonder Of You
Burning Love

I'd forgotten how bad this shit is, but the first track "It's Now Or Never" put it all back in perspective. Listen to it here.

Makes me wanna barf.

As a side note, I have enough cheap imitation Elvis albums to make my very own compilation, and fully intend to put one together for downloading. Another band I've acquired bad tribute albums for is Led Zeppelin, so you've got that to look forward to as well.

Now, let's move onto Bucky's third and final album... The Hits of Glen Campbell!

Before I get into this album, let's compare this album cover to the last one. Hmmm. Nearly the same background color. The Glen Campbell one is a bit greener. Same crappy font for the artist they're ruining. The imagination gears sure turn in the art department, don't they! The Glen Campbell album has that fake gold sticker thingy in the upper left hand corner, showing that the complaints have been rolling in from people accidentally mistaking Bucky's Elvis album for a real Elvis album. So now, we've got this gold (or yellow) medallion in the corner saying "This is fucking garbage! Buy it anyway!"

Here's what we get in this fine collection of Glen Campbell hits:

Southern Nights
Rhinestone Cowboy
By The Time I Get To Phoenix
Sunflower
Galveston
Gentle On My Mind
Wichita Lineman
Country Boy (You Got Your Feet In LA)
True Grit

So now, let's hear this non-famous Elvis impersonator sing some Glen Campbell...

Listen to Rhinestone Cowboy

Ummm.... What the fuck is this??? Is this the same guy? This sounds NOTHING like his Elvis albums! It sounds like Bucky actually does have some talent hidden under his snarly lip and sideburns. He actually does a decent job singing these songs, The Nashville Explosion play their instruments somewhat well, and the guy who mixed the album did a shitty job by burying some of Bucky's lower vocals under the band. This is a quality cheap imitation album we have here. Unfortunately, by the time Springboard gets to Bucky's third album, they decided they didn't want his shit anymore and focused their next few albums on lousy orchestra covers of movie hits.

Poor Bucky. After his brief fling with stardom, he got kicked off the label and blew all his earnings on drugs (one bag of weed).

It seems that after this album, Bucky and the Nashville Explosion had some difficult times as a band. After scouring the internet, I found this collection called "24 Country Hits" released in 1978 on the Intercord label. It's a European collection which features The Nashville Explosion with and without Bucky along with some other big name Country artists. This came out a year after the Glen Campbell album.

Obviously, these guys were struggling to find work. After being unsuccessful, they turned to panhandling, hoping to raise enough money to buy another bag of weed. They are now residing in the "where are they now" and "who gives a fuck" categories.

Little Arlo

2011-08-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

I found this computer in the garbage. There's nothing horribly special about it. It's got a 40G hard drive, has a shitload of illegally downloaded music from Limewire, and a whole bunch of pictures of a couple with their child.

That being said, I'd like you to meet little Arlo:

Arlo is your typical 1 1/2 year old. He's full of curiosity and is quite busy exploring everything. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop his parents from doing stupid things.

That wasn't very nice.

Video: The Family Guide to the Internet

2011-08-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

I understand that many people out there have absolutely no clue on how to get on the internet. Well luckily, IBM put out a very lovely video (with shit-tastic acting) on how easy it really is to get on the internet!

This video shows the Newbie family learning about the ins and outs of the internet. The fact that these guys have the last name "Newbie" is fucking stupid, and the video covers fast modems, flaming, and Grandpa Newbie's Taffy. I absolutely hate taffy. Grandpa Newbie can suck it.

On the plus side, these guys aren't using Windows to get on the internet. They're using IBM's operating system OS/2. To be honest, I was much happier when all our bank machines were running OS/2. They crashed much less, and they were much faster at reading the bank card and giving us our money. Too bad IBM abandoned OS/2 and left it to die.

So anyway, if you've been having problems getting onto the internet, then this video is for you!

(Apologies for my bad editing. Since I upgraded, I need to use a different video editor that kinda sucks)

Classical Gas Emissions Clearing House

2011-07-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

I've been bitten by the cleaning bug as of late, and I've been clearing the house of some unwanted shit. It's ironic that I got a nifty package from Publisher's Clearing House which included a lovely postage-paid envelope. So I started digging around for shit I could mail them.

I found some kind of bible cassette that's been kicking around here doing nothing. But instead of sending them a message from God, I taped over it with some of the songs I've put on this blog. It starts off with "If Satan Was My Lover", then goes into "I'm Gonna Ride You Like a Donkey" and the rest is just more awful junk.

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to record a cassette when your computer's permanently hooked up to a cassette deck! I just tossed a bunch of shitty songs into a playlist, hit record, and let the thing record until it was done. I've got a deck with Auto-Reverse, so it records on both sides while I do something else.

Then, I decorated the cassette, wrapped it in cardboard, and tossed it in the lovely envelope. Let's hope they enjoy it!

As a side note, I've re-vamped my main computer area. I got rid of the horribly inadequate piece of shit computer desk that I've hated for the last 10 years, and replaced it with a solid wood table I found in the trash, completed by a set of drawers that were once connected to a broken antique desk.

The monstrosity to the right is my 'test' computer which can run pretty much anything. It's useful for plugging in hard drives that I find in other people's computers, playing with viruses, and trying out operating systems.

Anyway, stay tuned for a video that I've been trying to upload onto Youtube for days, but my phone line is scratchy and I'm waiting for the phone service guys to come clear that up. My internet connection is dreadful and unreliable, so nothing will be up until the weekend (or after).

Album Artwork by Women

2011-07-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years that I've been running this blog, I've listened to a lot of shitty albums. There's two major things in common that I've noticed about these albums...

1) Albums recorded by a bunch of studio musicians usually contain a bad cover of "Bridge Over Troubled Water".

2) Albums recorded by women (who will never be mainstream) usually contain the song "The Rose".

I have to ask... Why these two songs? Why not "Imagine" or "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover"? Why must these two songs be butchered over and over and over again?

Anyway, enough of me rambling and onto this entry.

I've realized that I've got enough shit in queue that I can make 'themed' entries. So here's one about women who shouldn't be in charge of the artwork that goes onto their album. Let's take a look...

Linda Jones - From Me To You

She looks pretty fuckin' happy that her dad is dead. We've got a picture of pappy, his war medals, a poppy, and.... Oh shit, looks like "The Rose" is going to be on this album.

I'll give the dudes who made this album some creative credit. The inlay is printed on kodak paper and looks wonderfully glossy. Too bad the album is neither awesome nor awful, so it's not worth posting a clip.

Lara - Hope In God

I realized that I was risking the unleashing of demons by unwrapping this cassette from the cellophane it came in. LOOK AT HER. Somebody MUST be responsible for jumping on her face with a jackhammer. I suppose her 'Hope in God' is that he fixes her face when she gets to heaven.

Guess who the album artwork was done by? Jostens... The name you can trust with getting your hideous school yearbook pictures taken.

Now, just in case the songs "Fairest Lord Jesus", "Jesus Saves", "What a Friend in Jesus" and "I'd Rather have Jesus" didn't give away the content of the album, the cover explains that this is easy listening gospel music. That's a good thing, because judging by the photo of Lara, I thought it was an album about sasquatch hunting.

The music sucks. It's not even funny. It doesn't even have a cover of "The Rose" on it. We would've been better off with an album about sasquatch hunting. So yeah, no clippy from this turd either.

Tillie Harpelle - Cowboy's Sweetheart

First of all, if you're 70 years old, no cowboy's gonna want you as his sweetheart. The best you're going to get is some withered old fart with his balls bouncing around between his knees. If you're wondering why I bought this, it was REALLY the cowboy hat clipart that sold me on this album. I mean... CLIPART! Wow, man.

But this album has one thing going for it... Yodeling! It's full of yodeling songs, and this old bag pulls it off very well. Not only can Tillie yodel, but the band is also quite competent and the album actually sounds well recorded and mixed. So it's worth putting a song up for you to hear.

Listen to "Just A Yodel For Me"

She also does a cover of the song on this classic commercial.

Now that she's taught me how to yodel, my life is now complete. Now I'm off to yodel in a duet of the song "Picture" at a karaoke bar.

Junq Tour 2011: Ashern

2011-06-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

I passed through Ashern during my last trip up North. Most of what I found was useful stuff, but I did come back with a couple of oddball items...

Tupperkids - Animal Sing-A-Long Songs

Tupperware really enjoys marketing themselves by stamping their name into titles, no matter how stupid or retarded it sounds. This time, we have the Tupperkids. If someone called me a "Tupperkid" as a child, I would have cried and jumped off the play structure to end my horrible life.

The term "Tupperkids" essentially translates into "plastic storage children". The last time I checked, storing things in children is rather difficult since they end up peeing, pooping, or barfing it back out. You're better off storing your product into "Tupperseniors" since they have a special protective seal known as "Depends".

Anyway, I picked up this tape for the song "I Love Little Pussy". I thought it would be endearing to hear a little boy sing this. Unfortunately, it's an adult female singing it, and this version of the song isn't solely about loving pussy. Very disappointing.

However, the song "Tupper Tunes" is quite tupperfucking awful. Again, it's horrible product placement, and the lyrics really suck.

Listen to Tupper Tunes!

The Call of God

This video looks quite boring from the front side. At first, I thought it was just another lame-ass Christian video. The description on the back is what sold me. In big, bold, red letters, I saw the term "Rappin for Jesus". HELL YEAH! Nothing is cooler than Rappin' for Jesus! Well, Rappin' for Satan may have an edge on this. I also can't help but wonder if Rappin' for Tupperware exists somewhere out there.

More about the video... Stephen Wiley is very much like M.C. Hammer, except Hammer has those baggy pants, catchy songs, and SOUL. A Christian rapper without soul is like a boy without a penis. It's sad, depressing, and people make fun of him.

So let's enjoy some penis-less rap music. If I were Jesus, I'd be embarrassed by this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po82RwFrHWk

Hats Off to Mel Bruce

2011-06-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

Just found out that my long-time neighbor and barber Mel Bruce has passed away. He lived 3 or 4 houses down from me when I was a kid, gave me many haircuts after his retirement, and had a fantastic sense of humor. I picked up his album "For Old Tyme Sake" a couple months ago in a Thrift store. After I told my dad I had found it, he called Mel up and asked him how much money he made from it. Mel told him "I think I actually LOST money on that!"

The guy always amazed me. He was in his early 70s back in the 1990s, and always had a lot of energy. I believe he had a quadruple by-pass operation, but that never slowed him down. He and my dad actually started a bit of a side-business building utility trailers after Mel's was stolen.

It's unfortunate that I never got to see him in more recent years. After his first wife died, he moved, re-married, and I lost touch with him.

As a tribute, I'm providing one of my favorite tracks from his CD as well as a full download link. The album is full of polkas and waltzes, and my readers know that's right up my alley. It's very well-recorded and for a bunch of old dudes, they were a pretty tight band.

Rest in peace, Mel.

Listen to Donny's Polka

Download the full album

Mel's Obituary

Found: Unusual Photo Album

2011-06-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

While I was at a church garage sale last weekend, I came across a pile of books. Included in the pile was a photo album. Now, every time I see a photo album at a thrift store or yard sale, I check to see if anyone has left their photos inside.

A-ha! But wait... At my first glance, I noticed there was something VERY unusual about these photos. I quickly closed it, and after browsing some other items, I took it to the counter so I could purchase it. The lady at the counter didn't see a price on the album, so she started opening the cover, trying to find a price. I was thinking "PLEASE don't see the pictures!!!" If she would have found them and removed them, this would be a no-sale.

After finding nothing, she quoted me a price of two dollars. I gave my uninterested 'yucky price' face, and she said "okay, how about a dollar?" Happily, I gave her one dollar for the photo album.

After getting into the truck, I examined the photos. Here's what I got...

Judging from the two pictures that were taken from the deck of a boat, it appears that this was some sort of gay cruise. Not something you expect to find at a church garage sale.

Junq Tour 2011: Neepawa

2011-06-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my 200 post special! Seems like just yesterday when I was at 12 posts.

So I ended up passing through Neepawa yet again. It was mostly to pick up some awesome pie from Wilson's Place, but I always make time to check out the two junk stores there. There was absolutely nothing at the Book & Tape shop this round, but the thrift store had a couple of items. Not a lot, but it gave me a couple of gems. And when I say gems, I mean polished turds.

Raffi - Adult Entertainment

This is Raffi's official entry into the adult stag album industry. On this album, we hear Raffi shouting "Oh FUCK! Give it to me Sherri Lewis!" as he plays with his warm bananaphone, and shakes his sillies out.

...if only this album was that entertaining. Instead of hearing Raffi slap around his baby beluga, we hear a bunch of shitty adult-contemporary pop music. The album is awful, and we should all be thankful that Raffi decided to make children's albums, because he's much, much better at doing that. The album came out in 1977 and was a huge flop. Regardless, I feel compelled to put up a track since this album is very much out-of-print, and somewhat difficult to find.

Listen to 'Starvin Marvin' (yes, I'm fucking serious!!!!)

Dana Jefferson - Take Me Home

I was amazed when I put on this CD and heard this masculine he-bitch singing. Then I realized that Dana is actually a guy. Seriously? His parents are assholes. That's like me naming my son Miranda!

The only mildly amusing track on this album is "Take Me Home" where two male vocalists (who've obviously had too much to drink) try to sing a passionate religious ditty. They should've recorded the entire album drunk. It would be much more amusing than this silver platter of shit that has wiped itself all over the guts of my CD-ROM drive. I won't bore you with any of these tracks, because I assume you hate country music as much as I do.

Father F.X. O'Reilly School - On Our Way

The first thing I noticed about this CD after I unwrapped it from it's still-sealed cellophane is that the CD manufacturer had hired a bunch of kids to color on the CD. I'm quite tempted to take this disc and hang it on the refrigerator.

After pressing play...... DEAR FUCKING GOD. We have an overabundance of tone-deaf children singing out of time, with one lowly adult trying so be heard among this choir of children from hell. The kids run this album, and it's more difficult to tolerate than the screeching brakes on my work van. On the plus side, the album's easy to throw away. I kinda need the brakes, as screechy as they may be.

So what atrocious track have I chosen off this piece of junk? A song that very poorly (and hilariously) parodies the Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing". Unfortunately, the word "Faggot" doesn't appear even once in this song, which is an absolute shame because this garbage isn't even radio-friendly to begin with.

Listen to "Here Comes My Stomach Pains"

Now that I've posted this song, some asshole reader with indigestion will get offended and try to get my blog removed from the internet. Fuck you, you faggy faggish faggot!

Junq Tour 2011: Dauphin

2011-06-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a big one, so hold onto your chair...

Last time I zipped through Dauphin, I was saddened when I walked into the only Thrift Store that I knew of. It was basically an old woman's clothing closet in a dank basement. Absolutely nothing for me.

This time around, I learned that there were three others. One of them is run by an old lady who can't make up her fucking mind when she's open. Needless to say, she did not come into contact with any of my money.

But the remaining two were pretty good for finding stuff. One of them is located in the back of a store called the "Hodge Podge" and it was absolutely full of goodies! The other was directly across the street from the old lady thrift store, stealing away customers like me. Anyway, onto my first item...

Yes, this is a disposable camera with all the pictures used up. I paid a whole dollar for it. While we wait for the film to develop and see what kind of fun stuff is on it, let's look at some of the other items...

These three formerly-blank records were recorded by Bob Brown's Orchestra between 1947 and 1959 in Dauphin. We've got two Audiodiscs and one Recordio. It was a bit surreal listening to these, knowing that everyone who played on these discs is now dead, and I own the originals.

If you know nothing about these types of records, allow me to fill you in. These records were not made for mass production. They were used for one-off recordings. If you fuck up, tough luck because it's embedded into the groove, and you have to live with your mistake for the rest of your life. And no, we can't just throw out the defective record like a CD coaster. These blanks weren't cheap like CD blanks, neither is the cutting head on the record lathe!

So there's a couple of fuck-ups on these records, mainly because the record isn't long enough to hold all the content. These are from the days when EVERYBODY used 78 RPM for playback. When the cutting head gets to the end of the record, your song ends up in a locked groove, skipping on the same piece of music for all eternity (or until your stylus is ground down to nothing).

The first two records were enjoyable, but the last one sucked ass because Bob Brown's Orchestra in 1959 had dwindled down to one fiddle player while the rest of the band went off and joined this new movement called "Rock N' Roll". Nevertheless, I'm presenting all six recordings here for your enjoyment.

Arnie - Thank You For Your Friendship / Plunging In Again

I'm really starting to wonder how many tapes this Arnie guy released. I've got another one sitting in my truck that I found. Maybe he was an underground success? Nevertheless, the cover on this one is more amusing than the one I posted in this entry. He's got a coat hanger for a bow, and plays even more polka music for all to enjoy! I don't think we need to hear from Arnie again, so let's move on...

The Hosanna Folk Group

Christian music recorded by a bunch of hacks always sounds like shit. They may have God's spirit, but they don't have any fucking rhythm (nor good songwriting skills). The song "You're There When I Need You" sounds like a barfing Care Bear. It tries to be cute and happy, but it trips over the mat in the living room and spills it's drink all over the floor.

Listen to this rhythm-free crap

Dakoda Motor Co. - Welcome Race Fans

It's great when I go shopping for blog garbage and actually end up with something decent. These guys are pretty good, and they'll be put into my 'new music' rotation. It's pretty generic 90s girl-fronted rock music (poppy, full of variety), but it's catchy, enjoyable, and it's got harmonies in it. Check out the song "Alive".

Teo Mance - Inday

I'll give him credit. He can sing. I'll also give him credit for something else... He can play guitar. But if I must give Teo some advice, it would be WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT! Here's his atrocious version of The Beatles song 'Yesterday'.

Kevin Harcourt - This Baby Of Mine

Yeah, he looks exactly like Weird Al with a haircut. He even kinda sounds like Weird Al too! Instead of singing funny parodies, he sings old Country & Western songs. So, I'm going to bring you "Weird Kevin" Harcourt singing his Johnny Cash medley (with a surprise at the ending).

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping

I picked this CD up new at the Bargain Shop for a whopping 39 cents. That certainly spells "success", doesn't it? Even the jewel case is worth more than 39 cents! And if that isn't enough, it was released on "Tomato Records". Anyway, Reverend Billy is a fucking activist who tries to discourage his listeners from shopping at the big-name companies. With hits such as "Stop Shopping" and "Remove Starbucks and Disney", you know you're in for a fun album! As much as I hate Disney, writing a gospel song about getting rid of them is completely retarded. Speaking of retarded, the track listing on the back of the CD is totally inaccurate, so I never quite know what the hell I'm listening to. It really doesn't matter anyway, because I'd rather listen to a lawnmower running over a George Foreman Grill than this garbage. I fucking hate the George Foreman grill. Worst appliance I've ever had to clean.

I suppose I should subject you to this crap to let you know what I mean. Here's the anthem called "Stop Shopping". I'd watch the included DVD, but I don't wanna.

Theme from First National Bank of Weslaco

I have no friggin' clue what the purpose of this record is, but it's amusing to say the least. Three bears (one named after nose snot) singing about a bank. This particular bank seems to be located in Texas. How the hell this record made it to a little shitty town like Dauphin is anyone's guess. Enjoy bopping to this piece of crud.

The Walter & Hays Band - Mormon Rap

Uhhh... Just listen to it. I can't think of anything to say that will make this more funny.

Ozark Vern

This is fucking terrible. He'd be better off sticking that saxophone up his ass and farting through it instead singing on this tape. He's like a really shitty Bob Dylan, but instead of writing great songs, he ruins other people's songs by singing to a $10 Casio keyboard and occasionally blowing his horn. Let's listen to him botch the Oak Ridge Boys song "Elvira".

And now, we.... OOOHHH! The pictures are done being developed! Let's see what we got...

Oh hooray, pictures of a retarded boy. There were also a lot of pictures of scenery which I did NOT include. I got bored, so I drew all over one of them. As talented as I may be, I am NOT very good at drawing...

This was the most costly item from this whole blog. The last time I got a film developed, it cost me four bucks. This pile of shit cost me TEN. Perhaps I'll look into developing the negatives only and see if that's cheaper. If not, maybe I'll learn how to develop my own film in coffee and baking soda.

Now that I'm finally at the end of this entry, I'd like to add that I wouldn't mind having a second person to write for this blog. I've got a huge backlog of stuff that I've picked up, waiting to be written about. If you're somewhat technically savvy, funny, and live in Winnipeg, then you should shoot me an email! If not, then email me the entire contents of your journal from when you were a teenager. My readers would like to see more of that stuff.

Public Access Puppet Show

2011-05-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

Before I dive into this entry, I must warn all of you that we're going to die. According to this billboard by familyradio.com, we're all fucking dead on May 21st:

So, before we all get killed by our loving God, I figured I'd help kick your hellbound ass to church by bringing you a puppet show, performed by the Public Access Puppet Lady I introduced you to back in December. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow_ACy3nnvw

Found: Andrea's Computer

2011-05-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've collected data from a discarded computer. I haven't really bothered doing this for a while since I haven't had the time. Collecting, sorting, and reading someone else's writings takes a lot of time.

I picked up this discarded computer for the sake of having an IBM Model 5150. It has a couple of nice upgrades, namely the 3 1/2" floppy drive, and the 20 Megabyte hard drive (which was completely full). Since this picture was taken, I've also found a matching IBM monochrome monitor to go with this system.

In the picture above, I am transferring the data onto my trusty little Sharp laptop. I tried connecting my netbook to the 5150, but the USB serial adapter and Linux weren't very co-operative in communicating with it. There's nothing that works like good ol' DOS when it comes to these old computers.

The hard drive contained stories and poetry written by a 13 year old girl named Andrea Woodrow. Her name has been changed for obvious reasons. I did a Facebook search on her real name, and found that we have a mutual friend on Facebook. It's VERY tempting to contact her and send her a copy of her own work.

The stories are generally incomplete, and so is the novel series that she was writing. Her poetry is actually quite decent though, but perhaps I should let you judge the content for yourself. I hereby bring you, The Writings of Andrea Woodrow!

Three Strange Albums

2011-05-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

Before we get into this blog entry, let's play a little guessing game.

Question #1: Which one of the following songs is off a Children's album?

I'm Fat
My Friend Is A Cow
Let's Get Fat

Question #2: Same question, different list..

My Pencil's Trying To Kill Me
Baby In A Body Bag
Undersized Overpants

The answers will be given at the end of this blog entry.

Anyway, here's three very strange looking albums I've purchased over the last few months. Since I've had a bit of time on my hands, all three of these albums are available for download! (Don't expect this to be a regular thing, I just happened to have the time to do it.)

Trouser Mouth - Steel Urinal! Pass The Puck!

I bought this album still sealed from a thrift store. After reading the song titles (Nut Sac Out, Touch Yer Bum) I thought it was going to be one of the shittiest albums I've ever heard. Surprisingly, it's quite the opposite. These are fantastic (and short) punk rock songs. The band is tight and the songs are catchy as hell! If you like Punk Rock, you'll enjoy the shit out of this album.

Listen to "Green Drip"

Download link removed by request of the band, but you can get their albums by visiting their website.

Bob King & Friends - The Giant Hot Dog That Ate Regina

Personally, I would've been more impressed if the album was called "The Vagina That Ate A Giant Hot Dog". But if it were called that, I suppose parents would be up in arms over the title since this is a children's album. Not only that, it's a shitty children's album.

I think there's two or three songs on here about eating moldy food, and the rest is just "positive lyrical content for our younger generation" which we all know does NOT make for an interesting and fun album. Take for example the song "Rock & Roll Teachers". Sounds like something off a crappy Meat Loaf album. Don't believe me? Click here and listen to the damn thing. Kids would rather hear songs about their teachers having their pants fall down or having homework. NOBODY wants to hear about their teachers Rockin' and Rollin'. NOT COOL.

Sorry, but I made this available for download too :(

Mr. Plow - It's Plow Or Never

This unoriginal bastard stole his name from a Simpsons episode. The songs all sound like they were written by an immature 16 year old boy, although I think "Bukkake Night In Canada" would make a fine National Anthem. I'll give Mr. Plow credit though, the album definitely held my attention with songs such as "I Like Your Tits" and "Golden Shower Girl". I anticipated finding out what stupid lyrics he could come up with on the next song.

Listen to the ever-so-fun song "Donkey"

Download the album and feel 16 years old again.

And now, the answers to the quiz from earlier. The songs from the children's album "The Giant Hotdog That Ate Regina" are highlighted:

I'm Fat
*My Friend Is A Cow*
Let's Get Fat

*My Pencil's Trying To Kill Me*
Baby In A Body Bag
Undersized Overpants

Yup, that album is pretty fucking sad.

The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog

2011-05-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, there were two things that were most important in my life. The first was my novelty mashup project called "Canned Peaches". I would take an existing song, mix things into it (movie clips, sound effects) or even remix the whole song, and put collections of these songs into albums. Quite the task when you consider that there were no computers powerful enough back then to make the job easier. But, it was a fun hobby to keep me occupied during my sheltered teen years. I will be putting these recordings up sometime in the future.

The other thing that kept me entertained was programming in BASIC on my Commodore 64. I wrote lots of software; some useful, some stupid, and some that was highly amusing. I ended up using my "Canned Peaches" brand on the software I wrote (at least from 1992 on). I'm going to feature some screenshots of one particular program.

This is probably my most favorite creation out of all the software I wrote on the Commodore, called "The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog." It's supposed to be a digital catalog, featuring some of my 'albums' and a bunch of fake products purely for the sake of making something funny.

The inspiration for this was a piece of software a friend of mine had written (also on the C-64) called "The C-64 Buyer's Ad". It was also funny, and included a couple of (what we now know as) easter eggs. As a result, I loaded my creation with many easter eggs.

The year 1995 was probably the most creative year in my life, and I still to this day bust out in laughter when I run this piece of software and read the crazy shit I wrote back then. The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog will be celebrating its 16th birthday tomorrow on May 3.

The first menu:

Yeah, three items is a lot to choose from! For this blog entry, I'm going to choose section 3: the special items. Here's what you can buy:

I posted screenshots of every item. I hope you enjoy reading the text, looking at the crude graphics, and get a kick out of the humor I put into this goofy little program.

This blog entry really does not do the software justice. If you have the inclination, you can download it and run it in a Commodore 64 emulator (available here) to get the full experience. There's much more to it; the easter eggs, the interactive menus, the sound, the animation, and the overall experience.

For those who have never used a Commodore before, all you have to do is unzip the file, run the emulator, attach the disk image, and type: LOAD"*",8

Then, type "RUN" after it loads (*screenshot*)

Download the Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog!

I should really count myself lucky. I damn near lost all my home-made C-64 software in my parents' house fire. I spent days cleaning the smoke, water, and mold off the floppies just so I could transfer them onto the PC. A *very* small section of the Computerized Catalog disk was damaged, but I was able to restore the damaged part of the program. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of what the original disk looked like.

I'll eventually put more of my software on here for you to laugh at. Lord knows I still laugh at it!

Book: Porn For Women

2011-04-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Before I start off with this blog entry, I'm going to show you something...

Yep, that's my truck's engine. Some little fucking rodent decided that THIS was the perfect place to build a nest for having babies. Not only did they pack a shitload of dried grass in there, they also deemed some of the wiring unnecessary and chewed them apart to make room for the impending family.

It took me three hours to clear all the grass out and fix the wiring. I bought myself a new BB gun this past winter, and I've been dying to try it out. I'm going to take a day and sit in my back yard shooting the many rodents that pass through. Hopefully I'll get the one who made this mess.

Anyway, on to what I'm REALLY here to tell you about. I'm about to show you the most disgusting book I've ever laid my eyes upon. All the male readers of this blog may need intense therapy after seeing this sick piece of literature which needs to be banned from this world.

And so, I bring you this...

Now, when I think of the term "Hunkier", I don't think of a more attractive male. Instead, I think of a more Ukrainian Ukrainian. If this book were about extremely Ukrainian Ukrainians, I wouldn't be complaining. But instead, we get a bunch of faggy sissy boys who have overdosed on estrogen and have cut off their penises.

Now, I could completely understand this book if the men were displaying more elements of testosterone, but they sadly remind me of 1950s women. Let's take a look at a few pages, shall we?

FAG.

Don't cry, ya WIMP.

Well, then go fuck a porcelain doll

Why don't you use them, ya pussy?

I'll bet they ripped your balls off when you got them waxed.

This should read "I'd rather fuck a beached whale, so load up ya skinny bitch"

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture. These are just women with facial hair. They really don't have penises nor testosterone. This is on the same level as a Martha Stewart book, and even SHE has more testosterone than these douchebags.

This book probably ruined the lives of the guys who posed in them. Imagine if one of their best buddies got ahold of this book and showed it to everyone, including posting it on facebook? The dumbass who posed in the book would kill himself. There's absolutely NO going back from doing something as embarrasing as this. SHAME on the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative for releasing this awful book.

Also available: Porn for New Moms. I may use that one to bait the nest-building rodent.

Junq Tour 2011: Gimli

2011-04-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Ah yes! The Junq Tour is back in full swing! Well, not really since I'm scheduled to visit some really shitty locations this spring. The Thrift Store in Dauphin is a woman's clothing closet in a stinky basement, and I'm liable to get killed if I enter a Thrift Store in Norway House (assuming any exist out there). So enjoy this post for what it contains. It may be the only Junq Tour post until the fall.

While in Gimli, I was able to purchase one LP and three "interesting" CDs, and you all know what I'm talking about when I say "interesting", right? Yeah... Well, there's something VERY special about each of the CDs. Every one of these artists has some sort of disorder. Mind you, most of the albums I post are by artists with one disorder in common - they can't sing.

Anyway, let's meet our special artists, shall we?

The Projection Company - Give Me Some Lovin'

I really wasn't sure what to expect when I bought this album. It's got a psychedelic chick on the front cover and contains songs such as "Our Man Hendrix" and "Uh, Uh, Uh." I thought it may be the usual bunch of shitty studio musicians doing bad covers, but it's not that at all. It's an actual band from the 1960s who seemed to do a one-off shot on the "Custom" label and recorded their own psychedelic album. The vocalist only sings for about half the album, and sits there smoking a bong and tripping out for the other half.

This album is apparently from 1967, and it's actually pretty decent. Here's their cover of "Gimme Some Lovin'" entitled, "Give Me Some Lovin'"

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

Raymond Allan Kuran - Spirits Lost + Found

Here's a riddle... What is the first thing you should do when you finally beat drugs & alcohol and become sober? Record an album! At least, that's what this guy seems to have done.

The cover picture didn't seem to turn out right, and the CD is autographed by Raymond and his entire extended family. Why????

Honestly, this CD isn't really all that bad. It borders on the line of country and rock music, mainly because Ray doesn't sing with a wad of toffee in his mouth, and he's a half-decent songwriter. Feel free to listen to the song "One Night Stands".

Courtney Smith - Perfect in His Eyes

Courtney was born with Retinopathy and is pretty much blind. She was also born tone-deaf. So, here's another riddle... What is the best thing to do when you're born with two disabilities? Record an album!

From the crappy original "Dynamite" to the crappy cover of "Walkin' After Midnight", Courtney belts out pain through your speakers. It's really not her fault she can't sing. I mean, listen to my compilation album I recorded when I was Courtney's age. Well, at least I can laugh at those. Let's hope Courtney can listen to this coaster when she's my age and laugh her ass off too.

While we wait for Courtney to grow up, Here's a couple of tracks off this thing. I'm replacing Tonia & Donna's crummy version of "The Rose" in my Jukebox with Courtney's painful version. Also, I'm putting up "Suds In The Bucket" for you to "enjoy". I hear this song butchered all the time at the karaoke bar, so this is nothing new.

The Rose
Suds In The Bucket

Colby Nargang - If I Can Dream

Yet another riddle for you... What should you do if you think your greatest talent is imitating Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison? Record an album!!!

According to Colby's website, he was born with Williams Syndrome. He also recorded this piece of crap in Branson, Missouri - the same place that the Singing Sexegenarians recorded their hit tape! Personally, I think that Colby sings more like Kermit The Frog with a stuffy nose, driving down Highway #2 in a car with no shocks.

The album cover shows Colby demonstrating his two personalities: Colby with sunglasses, and Colby without sunglasses. But now I'll shut up and let you hear Colby do what he does best. Here he is, performing his famous Elvis Presley medley. Also, if you dare, check out how well he does my favorite Roy Orbison song entitled "Let Me Be There".

Heartbreak Medley
Let Me Be There

And that's it for this edition of the Junq Tour. Hopefully I'll get another trip through Ashern or Neepawa where the pickings are far from slim.

Bastard Mickey's Magical Junk Shop

2011-04-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

So I finally went ahead and built a webshop. Actually, I've been building it for the past 8 years or so. Finally, I feel that I have enough readers to actually warrant posting a link to it. I don't make much money from this stuff, but I like creating it! I figured if I'm going to put any kind of ads on my blog, they should be my own ads!

Bastard Mickey has generously volunteered to be my official mascot. Actually, he didn't volunteer, I forced him to do it by threatening to mail him to Disneyland, so they can dissect and analyze him to see who actually manufactured him (because it sure as hell wasn't Disney!)

Anyway, let's showcase some of my products, shall we? Take a look at this quality shit!!!

The "Push My Button" button!

The Henrietta Ugly Mug!

Postcards from Mars!

A bumper sticker with shameful promotion on it!

There's more junk, but you'll have to go look at it yourself. You can either slam your mouse pointer on Bastard Mickey in the sidebar, or you can simply click on this link:

http://www.cafepress.com/classicalgasemissions

Remember, Christmas is just around the corner! Better buy some of this stuff before it's too late!

Or don't buy anything and hurt Bastard Mickey's feelings.

A Batch of Horrible Album Covers

2011-03-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

I picked up all of the following tapes in one swoop at the Thrift Store some time ago but I've neglected writing about them. All of these tapes seem to come from the same shithole in Saskatchewan. They all contain country music, but it's not really the music I'm interested in this time around. The album covers are ultimately what made me buy them. I seriously can't believe how much money I wasted on this garbage, but I hope you guys (and girls) get a laugh out of these "precious gems". I will be judging all of these albums by their covers, just to make it more fun.

Arnie and Friends - He Does Have A Few

Arnie Strynadka figured he'd try to sell his album by putting a shitty joke in the album title instead of focusing on the cover art. Thus, this entire album is a shitty joke lacking in creativity.

Arnie - For My Friends New & Old / Plunging In Again

Here, Arnie shows his talent by playing all his songs with a toilet plunger. Your stereo system will plunge this piece of shit out of your speakers and stink up your room, with watery music filled with floaty paper bits and mashed brown crumbs. WARNING: You may need an instrument such as the one Arnie's holding should you decide to flush this cassette down the porcelain drain. NOT SEPTIC TANK FRIENDLY.

Arnie was torn between two album titles, so he put one on the inlay, and one on the cassette label. This resulted in a mixture of corn and lettuce in this shit-clog of an album.

Louise

Louise is the product of a sexual encounter between a human, a barnyard animal, and John Stamos's former hairstylist. Louise performs country classics in full mullet style and makes you wish that the 1980s weren't so damn cheesy.

And now, I present you with the entire Buzz Trottier discography!!!

Buzz Trottier - Grassland Gospel

On this album, Buzz rides a horse out into a grassy field where he sacrifices the animal to God. God is obviously pleased with the sacrifice, and rewards Buzz with a contract to record two more crummy albums.

Buzz Trottier - Singing From The Heart

Buzz used this lovely family portrait for the cover to warn you that all three of them sing on here. You can tell that Buzz is all-business when it comes to music, judging from the pen and his glasses tucked away in his front shirt pocket. And his grandson can't fucking sing either (click here to listen to Tennessee Flat Top Box)

Buzz Trottier - Here In the Real World

On this album, Buzz takes his grandson out to a grassy field where he sacrifices the boy to God. God is obviously pleased with the sacrifice of Buzz's only begotten son, and rewards Buzz with a deal to record one more crummy album.

Buzz Trottier Remembers / Grassland Memories of Buzz Trottier

On this album, Buzz sings about his struggles with amnesia. As we can see on the album cover, Buzz fell off his horse, bumped his head on the barn, and forgot what the original title was for this album. Buzz ultimately redeems himself, claiming he remembers, and gives the album two different titles. We are all pleased that Buzz made a full recovery, and is no longer recording albums since he forgot how to play the guitar.

And there you have it. Seven lousy album covers packed into a single blog entry. I would post more album clips, but these albums really aren't all that interesting. They're pretty much all covers of old country & western songs, although I must say that the Arnie albums are actually somewhat tolerable since nobody sings on them. Too bad he didn't really play the plunger, as that would've been worth the money I spent on these stupid tapes.

Album: Save The Jets Fundraiser

2011-03-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Back in 1995, my city (Winnipeg) lost their hockey team. As a Canadian, I'm supposed to love hockey, but I fucking hate it. I cared less that we lost our hockey team which practically never won a hockey game EVER. The team was in danger of being sold to Minneapolis and a huge-ass fundraiser was organized to try and raise the money to buy the crappy hockey team and keep them in Winnipeg. I picked this awesome quote from another website: (source here)

The task at hand became to raise $110 million to cover the purchase of the Jets and future losses that the team would incur.

So the fundraiser was to keep a shitty hockey team, and pay for them to lose more games. What a great idea! In my disgust with the media blitz, the fundraiser, and the massive support campaign, I created the greatest compilation album of Winnipeg talent that I could scrounge up and called it the "Save The Jets Fundraiser". The original subtext on the album cover said "Five cents from every donation will be used to help save the Jets."

Recently, there have been a lot of rumors on the radio and the internet that the hockey team is going back up for sale again (probably because they still suck) and the possibility could come up for Winnipeg to re-aquire our beloved (and shitty) hockey team! With this new-found fire for saving the Winnipeg Jets, I've decided to re-release my Save The Jets Fundraiser album with a slightly re-done cover and include some bonus tracks! You've probably already heard a few of these songs featured on this blog already, but now you can get them all (plus more) in one great album! I'll bet you didn't know there was so much more to that public access hurdy gurdy video, did ya?

Track Listing:

01 - Johnny Sizzle - Theme From Johnny Sizzle
02 - Joey Gregorash - I Just Want To Play Hockey
03 - Henrietta & Merna - Go Tell It On The Mountain
04 - Lady With A Puppet - Search My Heart
05 - I'm A Ukrainian Man - Dedication
06 - Duckshot Hunter - If You Were Here
07 - Mental Note - Watcha Gonna Do
08 - The Cosmopolitans - A World Without Love
09 - Box Lunch - The New Song
10 - The Garage People - Lorraine
11 - Canned Peaches - Say Goodbye
12 - Johnny Sizzle - If Satan Was My Lover (bonus track)
13 - Joey Gregorash - Ice Maker (bonus track)
14 - Duckshot Hunter - The Way It Goes (bonus track)
15 - Box Lunch - Eggnog (bonus track)
16 - Sila & The Smoke Frees - Changing Ways (bonus track)
17 - Canned Peaches - Before You Go (bonus track)

You can download the Save The Jets Fundraiser HERE!!!

As a side note, there was an official Jets benefit album released in 1996 (which I own) called "Hockey Rock Winnipeg Style" where famous Winnipeg musicians wrote new lyrics to their classic hits and re-recorded them. The funny thing is there is one common song between the official version and mine (I Just Want To Play Hockey by Joey Gregorash - different version though). The proceeds from the album went to "Winnipeg Jets Goals For Kids", whatever the hell that was. Take my word for it, the official album is WORSE than the one I put together.

So in conclusion, if you feel the urge to donate to the "Save The Jets" campaign, I'm not opposed to receiving these donations. I promise I'll put them toward a project just as shitty as saving a crappy hockey team (like buying more stupid junk at thrift stores to entertain those of you who read this blog.) Go Jets Go!

Board Game: Yellowknife-opoly

2011-02-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not kidding. THIS IS REAL. Yellowknife-fucking-opoly. For those of you who have no clue what a Yellowknife is, it's a crappy little city in the Northwest Territories that nobody wants to visit. It's cold, and judging from the elements of the game, there's piss-all to do up there.

The board game is obviously derived from Monopoly, but is made up entirely of advertisements from businesses in Yellowknife. Well, maybe except for Beaver Lumber since they no longer exist. For the curious, it seems that this game came out in 1997 to commemorate 50 years of the city's existence. Hooray for longevity!

Yup, there's the board. It seems that McDonald's briefly had the slogan "Great food, Free parking". Makes me wanna eat there since I'm sick of paying for parking at Burger King!

The houses in the game are standard green, but the hotels are an oddball blue. Oh wait, I'm sorry... Those aren't houses and hotels, they're retail outlets and office towers. Nobody really lives in Yellowknife, it's just a big business park. At least that's the impression I get from the game.

Even the cards are laden with advertisement. Check out these winners:

I apparently have a husband because I'm apparently gay. Fuck you, Good Old Ray!

We also apparently don't have a health care system in Canada, so we pay doctor's bills. I suppose my doctor forgets to bill me each time.

Aerial tours are apparently the 'thing to do' in Yellowknife. Yay fun.

Yeah, I always buy my makeup at Sutherland Drugs. That's what married gay men do, right?

Apparently, the streets are full of nails (thanks to Beaver Lumber blowing up)

Your brother probably comes from my city... Winnipeg.

The rest of the game is pretty much a Monopoly clone - the deeds, the Railroads (in this case, Airlines) and the play money (Chamber Bucks) are all pretty generic replacements for their Monopoly counterparts. The playing pieces are generic and super lame, so I found some interesting ones to use instead...

I found a bit of the story behind this board game from here. Those crazy Yellowknivers! So proud of their city! We also need more Monopoly games based on Canadian towns and/or cities with unique names. Two that come to mind are Flin-Flon-opoly and Dildo-opoly. Tell me those aren't winners!

But seriously, I can't wait to have a group of friends over for a cut-throat game of Yellowknife-opoly. May the player with the most blue office towers win!

Found: Heavily Modified Commodore 128D

2011-02-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

It seems that I've been quite lucky with finding old Commodore computer stuff over the past little while. Today I picked up some Vic-20 stuff from a friend on Facebook. But a couple weeks ago, I found something quite special, unique, and incredibly cool behind the big bad recycling depot...

For those of you who know what Commodore computers look like, you'll see that this does NOT look like a Commodore computer. But it truly is. It's a Commodore 128D. This is what it's SUPPOSED to look like:

Somebody took this machine and put it into a PC-style case. But that's not all they did. They also jammed in a 1571 floppy drive, a 1581 floppy drive, a Modem, a home-made internal cartridge bay which includes a Fast Load cartridge, The REU expansion, and the Super 81 utilities. The Jiffy DOS upgrade has also been added, and it seems the ROM has been customized since the guy's name, address, and phone number are displayed whenever the computer is turned on in 128 mode. (I edited out the sensitive information)

To change between different modes and settings, there is a flip-down door on the front panel which exposes a bunch of custom knobs and switches to tweak the 128 to your personal needs!

Even the original LEDs on the front panel of the case have been wired up!

All the ports on the machine (except the tape drive connection) have been mounted on the left side of the case. Also included is an electrical outlet where you can easily plug in your monitor and printer!

I believe that the main power supply in it is NOT a Commodore supply, but something that was hacked together.

Here are the reset button and power switches for the Computer and Floppy Drives. I'm guessing the square hole is where the modem connector was originally supposed to go.

And now, here's some pictures of what the inside looks like. The actual C-128 mother board is sadly buried right at the bottom of everything.

And here's me, enjoying this fantastically modified Commodore 128D by watching the Britney Spears slideshow! (WARNING: Link NSFW)

Album: Let The Good Times Rock

2011-02-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Before I start this blog entry, I need to send out a huge apology to Arc Sound LTD. A while back, I wrote a little review on the album "Top Chart Hits of Today Vol. 3." I was WAY too tough on that album. If you haven't read and listened to it, you can do so here.

I'm sorry Arc. I won't doubt your deliverance of quality 'cheap imitations' again.

Now, let me present you with the cream of the crap...

Exclusive Records managed to pack three whole records of the shittiest renditions of your favorite songs. I'm not fucking kidding, these are AWFUL. I've never heard of anybody using a symphony of trash to record an album before, let alone putting trash into the hands of "musicians" who have a piss-poor sense of rhythm.

The greatest moment on this album is listening to the off-center label in the middle of the record pasted over the ending lock-groove, resulting in a repeating on-off PSSSSSSHHHHHH sound through my speakers. Actually, it sounds a whole lot better than the "music" on the non-blank grooves. Fortunately, Exclusive Records didn't put a disclaimer on their album dismissing themselves of stylus damage, so make way for a lawsuit!

Now for those of you who like torture (or at the very least a good laugh), here's some of the tracks on the album. Click on the titles to listen.

Lean On Me

Here's Bill Wither's biggest hit sung by a white dude with no rhythm. I love how he goes off-beat every now and then throughout the song, just to make sure that anyone singing along with the album feels like a retard for screwing it up.

My Sweet Lord

George Harrison would spins himself 6 inches deeper everytime someone plays this recording if he hadn't been cremated and dumped into a river. Imagine if he hadn't been cremated... He would eventually make his way to the earth's core and cause molten lava to come up through his grave, killing everyone buried with him in the cemetary.

The drummer seems quite happy to start off the recording with the rest of the band, and he adds fancy little fills throughout the entire song. The lead guitar player almost seems robotic, making each note sound as boring as possible. The "orchestra" comes in to make it sound as if we were attending the funeral of our sweet Lord. The ending is badly improvised since none of the band can seem to remember how it ends.

Let It Be

Unlike the Arc version which sounds almost identical to the Beatles' recording, this one does not. The "orchestra" and the dude on the guitar are trying to drown out the singer. Why there is guitar throughout the entire recording is anyone's guess, but I love the wrong notes he keeps hitting in the middle of the song.

Scarborough Fair

Kudos to the guy playing the empty soup cans in the left channel! He never seems to get the hang of the song, likely due to the rest of the band trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. If they added in some crying children, Scarborough Fair would sound like the unhappiest place on earth.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

This batch of musicians must really hate Simon & Garfunkel since there's three of the duo's songs covered on this album. What can I say? It's atrocious. If it weren't for the singer, I'd have no clue what the hell these guys were trying to play. The bass player and the piano player seem to be off doing their own thing (and off-beat nevertheless), some guy shows up in the middle of the song banging on a dumpster, and the singer buggers up the lyrics at the end. To sum it up, it's a trainwreck that someone barfed on. It's also replacing the Arc version in my blog's jukebox.

Yup, this one was bad. Really bad. I pity the guy who bought it because he likely paid more than two bucks for it.

My New Camera!

2011-01-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Here's me playing with my new camera! I found it in the middle of the road. What surprises me is that it hadn't yet been crushed by a passing vehicle. It's a Sony Cybershot Model DSC-W210. You can buy one on Ebay for around $100.

So, I'm officially going to review this camera...

Pros:
- It was free!
- Carrying case smells like a woman's purse
- Charger cost me $4 (including shipping) from Ebay
- Came with pictures!

Cons:
- Camera is made by Sony
- Camera is pink
- Carrying case is purple
- Motorized lens cover needed lubricating
- Uses Sony's proprietary media card
- Came with Justin Bieber concert footage

I generally hate Sony products, but I don't mind FREE Sony products especially when I needed a new digital camera anyway. The pink doesn't bother me much, but I have to get a new case for it.

Anyway, you're not reading this post for my review on some crappy camera. You're here to see what's on the media card! Here's a few select pictures which I found interesting...

The purple camera case is in her left hand:

Camera case at another angle:

Humping a statue (can anyone name him?):

Baby boy wearing a bra:

Baby boy picking his nose:

Dead guy posing with bicycle:

Hideous woman with made-up tween:

Something for all you pedophiles (there was a whole series of these):

...and why Justin Bieber is NOT COOL:

I mean, look at him! He's wearing his purple baseball cap backwards while playing guitar inside a giant heart. If I were him, I'd jump my ass OUT of that heart and splatter myself onto the stage below. There is absolutely NOTHING more feminine than this! Give him a couple of years, and he's going to be a crack-smoking, washed-up has-been selling real estate. Enjoy the ride, Bieber! Your days are numbered...

World's Greatest Television Evangelists

2011-01-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

If I ever need to find great examples of finger-pointing, all I have to do is look at the world of religion. So many people call themselves Christians, and seem to enjoy pointing their fingers at other Christians who aren't being Christian enough. All Christians seem to be professionals at what good Christian behavior is, and have no fear of pointing out Christians who behave wrongly.

Now that I've had my thought for the month, let me present to you one of the greatest Christian videos ever released...

The Blood & The Dead

Sounds like a horror film, doesn't it? The truth is, it's one of the greatest comedy films I've ever had the pleasure of watching! This videocassette contains some of the greatest moments in tel-evangelist history (aside from the Jimmy Swaggart mess). There are so many great and hilarious moments all brought together into a laughable documentary created by another Christian group who are probably jealous because of their piss-poor attendance levels. So, to draw in more members, why not show how every other church is wrong?

They probably didn't get permission to use these video clips in this fantastic video, but I don't really give a shit because this stuff is gold!

Now, watch these two videos and learn why you should abandon all religion and take up something with more purpose, like collecting Hummels...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7cfW_1b58M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ3jjgqBwAw

A Ukrainian Christmas with Metro

2010-12-18T05:46:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to put this album up ever since I started this blog. Metro's Eleven Days From Christmas is a Canadian Christmas album done by a Ukrainian guy who plays the Kazoo. All of these Christmas songs are parodies done with a Ukrainian flavor, and they're pretty funny!

This album has been sadly out-of-print either since it's original release in 1975, or since Singwell Records went belly up. It's a favorite of mine to play during the holiday season, and now it can be yours too!

Listen to Christmas Song

Download The Entire Album!

As an after-thought, I figured it would be a good idea to make a Christmas jukebox for this time of year containing some of the bizarre Christmas songs I own, but I really don't have the time for it before Christmas. Perhaps I'll make this a goal for next year.

How To Make Your Own Album

2010-12-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

I've criticized, analyzed, and occasinally praised those who have put their hard work into crafting their own albums. But I don't think I've really given much insight into what kind of work goes into making one's own album. Therefore, this blog post is going to focus on how to create your very own home-recorded, hand made album which will be sure to impress all your friends and win over that cute girl you've been eyeballing. She'll think you're a real star!

First of all, you need an album cover. Go into your family photo album, and pick something. Try to pick a photo that was taken 20-30 years ago. For my album cover, I chose a picture of my mom yelling at me.

Next, you need a title for your album. Try to make it as professional sounding as possible. To make it appealing, use that dumbass Comic font that everyone uses on their Tripod home pages. Also, try to use either an obnoxious color, or make it all black so your title doesn't stand out from the darks on your photo.

Now, add some lame-ass clipart. See how it changes the picture? Now it looks like me and my Mom are singing!

Last but not least, dedicate it to the first girl who broke your heart. She may not have wanted to go out with you, but she'll regret it when she sees her name on your album cover! Be sure to write your dedication in all-caps to emphasize it's importance.

Now, you need a song selection. Here are some pointers for what kind of songs you should include on your album:

- Cover Songs. Show them how you can sing it better than the original!
- Songs where the music is louder than your singing
- A song with a girl's name in it
- Your very own parody. People will love your new lyrics!
- A song about your dog
- Songs with lyrics that don't make sense
- A song with a guest artist (a.k.a. one of your friends)

By following these suggestions, I was able to create a collection of great songs. Check out the song titles:

01) Ha Sob
02) Tissue
03) It's Fun
04) Two on a Bike
05) The Ball Goes In The Garbage (Featuring Ryan Nole)
06) Zab
07) Stars
08) Addicted To Spuds
09) Joanne's Socks
10) Theme from The Get-Along Gang
11) Candy Spike
12) Pipe Down

Make sure the copies you make of your album are recorded on Cr02 cassette tapes. You may have recorded your album on a ghetto blaster, but the high quality of Cr02 will actually IMPROVE the sound of your album. Also, don't use Dolby Noise Reduction. Tape hiss should be embraced, not eliminated!

Now for what you've all been waiting for... You can download my Greatest Hits album HERE!!!

Given that I was born in 1978, I'm sure you can just imagine what these songs are like. The best part of my album is it starts to hurt your eardrums after only five seconds of playing. No need to delay the pain!

However, I'm going to suggest that you avoid downloading it. If you do, you will waste 20 precious minutes of your life. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Christmas Gift for Symantec

2010-12-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

I was going to send two lovely gifts this year to my friends who send me postage paid envelopes. Unfortunately, the one from Apex Bank of Canada has gone missing, but I still have the one from Symantec. These guys always have offers to send a free flash drive if you're one of the first 500 to respond. I've tried many times and I've never received one. I figured it was time to get a bit nasty with them, so I sent them a ransom note with one of my kid's old socks.

I wrote the ransom note on some nice Happy Bunny Christmas paper. It says: "If you want to see the other sock, you will send me an 8G flash drive."

I'm dropping it in the mail today. Hopefully I'll get my flash drive before Christmas!

Christmas with the Public Access Puppet Lady

2010-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Jesus is the reason for the season! If you don't believe me, just ask this lady and her puppet:

On this Public Access TV show, this lady and her puppets have very involved conversations about what it means to be a Christian. As for her puppetry skills, I could personally control a puppet better with my dick. Not only that, her squeaky puppet voice is enough to send dogs into severe panic.

But it's Christmas, and we should be praising the Lord instead of talking about dicks and puppets. So, let us join the Puppet Lady in song, and remember what Christmas is all about. It's about old women who can't sing, and old men who wear ugly green shirts. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G8reRPOoiw

Junq Tour 2010: Neepawa

2010-11-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a bit, but I knew that I had a huge blog entry to type up, and I needed to get a piece of equipment up and functional to make it possible. So here we are. I don't know why, but the Tape & Book store in Neepawa always manages to provide me with cool stuff. The thrift store there was also somewhat fruitful in interesting stuff. So hang on, because this entry is going to be a bit lengthy...

Top Chart Hits of Today Vol. 3

I was blown away when I found this record. My parents had this one when I was a kid, and I played it quite often. This is obviously another tribute album done by nobodies who jammed these tracks out in the studio. However, some of these versions are quite closely done to the originals and it can be difficult to tell if it's the real thing or fake. However, some things give it away such as the incorrect lyrics in "Let It Be" and the way "Bridge Over Troubled Water" crashes and burns at the end. The Jackson 5 cover is done well along with the Mark Lindsey song. "Ma Belle Amie" isn't even fucking close. So, here's a few selections from the record, both good and bad:

Bridge Over Troubled Water
Arizona
Let It Be

Concert-Disc Stereo Demo

Here's a bizarre record. It claims that all you need to adjust the balance control and connections on your stereo is the sound of a ping pong ball. After you adjust your stereo, you are then bombarded with pieces of classical music. At the end of the classical bouncy ball sandwich, you then get to hear three sound effects which is the track I put up for your enjoyment.

Listen to Ping Pong Game / Electric Train / Jet Plane

Margie Castle - The Soap Song

It looked interesting, so I bought it. Apparently, the world needed an international theme song for people who love soap operas. Why they needed this theme song is beyond me, but here it is. It's actually well done and kinda cute, so I included it here. According to the album cover, the characted "Soapie" had her tits trademarked. They must be amazing.

Listen to The Soap Song

Santana De Mazatlan

YES! After years of writing shitty blog entries featuring crappy artists, finally some talent has showed up. It's Santana! Oh wait, it's not THAT Santana, it's that OTHER Santana guy who sings karaoke songs. The guy has an okay voice, but his song selection leaves much to be desired. Here he is, sucking all the fun out of "Bad Moon Rising" with his smooth voice. His accent makes it quite obvious that English is his second (or third) language.

Listen to Bad Moon Rising

24 Golden Ukrainian Hits Vol. 2

Ah, now here's another one that made me a very happy boy. Finding CDs of Ukrainian polkas is quite difficult, but it seems that there's at least one Hunky living in Neepawa. This incredibly enjoyable CD has all your favorite Polka kings on it: Mickey & Bunny, Peter Picklyk, Four Seasons, Auntie Mary, Peter Hnatiuk, and the Kapusta Kids. Most of these artists are out of print, so it was nice to find a compilation where they all got together and had a good ol' drunken Ukrainian piss-up! The quality of the sound on here ranges from crystal clear to muddled in shit. I'm guessing V-Records (whom most of these artists originally appeared on) spilled whiskey and kielbasa all over the master tapes, so they had to use 2nd, 3rd, and maybe even 4th generation recordings.

The most amusing on here is Auntie Mary, solely because her voice is so funny to listen to. It's probably a dude talking like he's got his nuts pinched in a door frame, but that just makes it equally as amusing. If Miss Piggy can have a dude voicing her, then so can Antie Mary!

Listen to House Party Kolomeyka

Video Game: Tengen Tetris

I couldn't believe I found this Nintendo cartridge in the Book & Tape shop. It's a collector's item and usually sells on Ebay for around $40. I got mine for a buck. It doesn't have the original box, but has something that I think is much cooler (and probably much more rare):

Permastruct! They glued these fuckers to the game cases for purpose of renting the games out. It's the cliff notes version of the instruction book. This eliminated the possibility of the renter losing (or destroying) the instruction book. I haven't seen a Permastruct label since I last rented an NES game back in the early 90s. I forgot how incredibly lame they were, but it brings back great memories.

Anyway, back to the cartridge. I honestly don't think this cartridge is all that rare because this is the third copy I've seen in my lifetime, and now I actually own one! FOR A BUCK! If you want to know the story behind why this cartridge is a collector's item, you can read it here. It was only on sale for the duration of about 4 weeks before it was taken off the shelves and all remaining (and recalled) copies were destroyed. Hooray for big business!

And finally, we come to....
The Armed Forces Workout Video!

K-Tel put out this treasure in 1984. My copy is on Beta, and my Betamax was in need of some repair which is why this entry took a while to get up. But here it is, a video that rivals Gospel Aerobics. It starts out okay, but the minute the music kicks in, you know you're in for a real treat!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pve7qk9fP7Q

I also must apologize for the current state of some of my previously featured videos. I need to fix the links in this blog, and one of my backups got corrupted leaving me with no choice but to re-digitize some of the videos that were on Youtube. What a pain in the ass. I need to hire someone to help me do this shit, but since this blog makes no money, I can't afford to hire. Well, that's not true, my Amazon link has generated a total of 9 cents. So if any of you are looking for a job, you can work for me for a yearly salary of 8 cents (hey, I need commission!) please email me your resume and I might get back to you.

Cooking with Chef Perry

2010-10-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

I'm being a bit tardy with this Halloween entry, but work has been keeping me busy again. Anyway, I've assembled a collection of audio clips I recorded from The Scruff Show back in the mid-90s, hosted by the one and only Scruff Connors. These were short comedy clips called "Quick Food Tips with Chef Perry". The guy isn't much of a cook, but he's really good at drinking beer. The clips are pretty funny, and because it's Halloween, I've started off this collection with the Halloween episode.

They're all packed conveniently into one audio file, including my shitty editing job, and varying qualities as they were taped over a period of about two years or so.

Anyway, enjoy cooking with Chef Perry!

LISTEN HERE!

Junq Tour 2010: Swan River

2010-10-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

This week, I'm in Swan River. I was pretty unhappy when I was informed that the local thrift store had been shut down. I figured that the week would be full of dullness. However, I was pretty much wrong. I've had quite a bit of fun here so far! It all started when I saw what I had for a TV in my hotel room. It's a big 32" LCD TV which has a VGA input on the back. On this trip, I brought along my many-times-hacked external DVD drive. You may remember that at one point I converted it into an external hard drive. Before I packed, I decided that I wanted to watch some DVDs while on this trip, so I converted it yet again.

Now, nothing would be greater than watching the DVDs on this 32" screen, so I went scouting for a place to buy a VGA cable. I stumbled upon a little computer store who had a table of shit on sale for dirt cheap. I found a VGA cable for $1, and went back to my room to happily watch my DVDs.

Here I am, playing with my netbook hooked up to the TV. This is a luxury for me since all the TVs I have at home are CRTs. I'm too cheap and poor to buy my own, and I usually shop for my TVs behind the evil computer recycling depot.

Anyway, the next day my DVD drive decided it didn't like me any more and went kaput. Remembering the table full of junk at the computer store, I went back and picked up a new DVD drive for $2.

While I was there, I decided to spend even more money, and here's some of the neat stuff I bought BRAND NEW for next to nothing...

More Cables

Here's what I got: a nice audio cable to connect my computer to a stereo amplifier. I also got a S-Video to Composite cable, and a DIN to PS/2 converter so I can plug an old-ass keyboard into my modern computer. Each of these were $1 each. I can't even make cables for that cheap.

56K Fax/Voice modem

Original Price: $79.99
Sale Price: $5.00

Why the hell would I buy such an outdated piece of equipment? Simple. It's a voice modem. You can do more than get dialup internet with this thing. Install some software on an old computer, pack it full of numbers of businesses that keep filling my answering machine with pre-recorded messages, and call them with my OWN pre-recorded message! What else is a land line good for these days? Not much.

TV Tuner / Capture Card

Original Price: $69.99
Sale Price: $5.00

Just what I need, another computer to record video. I'm hoping that there isn't any built in copy protection on this card. The shitty fucking ATI card I have has really been pissing me off with it's screen-blanking copy protection, even when I'm recording something that isn't copy-protected (such as Commodore 64 video). For five bucks, I can't go wrong. Worse comes to worse, I'll use it to hook up the CED player to the computer in my bedroom.

Video Sender

Original Price: $109.99
Sale Price: $5.00

This device is used to send wireless video signals from a source to a destination. I've got two potential uses for this... About a month ago, I came across a FREE working video surveillance system. My biggest problem has been how I'm going to set it all up with where I want to put my camera. This would nicely solve the dilemma of having the camera mounted on the garage, and the recorder sitting in the house.

The other idea I have for it is to set up a video rack in the basement (mainly for transferring videos to DVD) and being able to watch them in my living room.

All this stuff cost me just a little over $20. The best part is most of this stuff is new! Now excuse me while I go play with my new toys.

Random Non-Music Albums

2010-10-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

These albums can only be classified in a category marked "other". These were completely random ideas to make a quick buck (with the exception of one). So here's what other people spent their money on before I found it in the local thrift store..

Pierre Berton Presents: Sounds of The Great Canadian Railways

This tape is BORING. Remember in high school when they'd show a filmstrip and have an audio cassette to accompany the pictures? This is like listening to the audio track without the filmstrip. It's full of boring train history. But I digress. Someone SOMEWHERE probably found this tape to be highly entertaining and worthy of many repeated plays when it was first purchased.

Listen to a clip if you find train history fascinating

Train Your Bird To Talk

If you hate someone, buy this album as a gift for them. Listening to this album is pure torture and would drive even the most insane to commit suicide. I feel sorry for the person who had to stand in front of a microphone and record this, repeating every phrase ad-nauseum.

When my kid was an infant, I tried using this record to teach him how to talk. All he did was laugh at it. The conclusion is children and birds cannot be trained the same way, mainly due to a bird's inability to laugh.

Click here to listen to "Good Morning"

Canary Training Record

There must have been a real market for bird training records. But maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps it was a fad that swept the nation only in the 1950s and 1980s. In the grocery store, hanging right beside parakeet food, you could purchase a 78 RPM record to train canaries to sing! The Hartz company sure knew how to provide for your pet.

The back of the record is somewhat amusing to read. Baked egg food for Canaries? Isn't that like cannibalism? Well, maybe not since they probably used chicken eggs. I also suppose it's okay for me to eat the offspring of an Asian person.

Because of this record, I'm convinced that I'll never own a Canary. If they're this irritating to listen to, I'm sure I'd take a shotgun to the miniature yellow turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

Listen to "Mexican Dance"

Vanguard Stereolab Test Record

This record could also be used as torture. The high frequency noises will drive your dogs and neighbors insane if played loud enough. I'm honestly surprised that the sound of these noises wasn't highly altered by all the audio conversion necessary to post an audio clip on the net. It makes me so happy that I can make your ears bleed the same way mine did when I first listened to this!

Click here to listen!

How To C.B.

Now this one is pure entertainment! I know next-to-nothing about C.B. Radio which is odd considering how I'm interested in all kinds of ancient technology. But if I ever do become interested in CB-ing as a hobby, then this nifty 8-track will come in quite useful. It teaches you all kinds of basic slang that is used over C.B. Radio. I also have an LP with a bunch of definitions on the back. Here's some of the more interesting ones...

Go-Go Girls = Load of pigs headed for market
Pregnant Roller Skate = VW
Suicide Jockey = Driver hauling dangerous goods
Ten-One-Hundred = I gotta go potty
XYL = Wife (or Ex-Young Lady)

I love how they splashed the words "8-track Tape" across the cover, as if I didn't know what the fuck it was.

Click Here To Listen!

I think my favorite part of all these albums is how the people who made them seemingly chose a narrator who has a unique and distinct voice. They ALL sound like old-time radio announcers. It makes these albums somewhat interesting to listen to, even if the content is shit.

Candid Pics: 10/05/10

2010-10-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

Time for another round of pics of stupid things I see...

Louie the Lightning Bug Hydrant

Louie the Lightning Bug is a mascot for 'playing it save around electricity'. The PSAs run on cable television. So what the hell is Louie doing on a fire hydrant in Pine Falls?

Appetite for Urination

I shit you not, this is a menu from a restaurant in Winnipeg. While you're browsing the wine list, please take a moment and learn how you should piss. (Apologies for the flash glare, it was a bit dark in there).

Someone's Got A Secret!

See if you can guess which one of these girls pissed all over her hand.

Project Coffee

This was in a room where I was working. I wonder what it'll look like next year when I go back.

It's In Her Shorts (The Droop-Droop Song)

Just plain wrong.

Soup of the Gay

Found this in Superstore. Soup that tastes like cock is a novel idea, but I think I'll pass.

Junq Tour 2010: Ashern

2010-10-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just take a look at this thrift store:

Walls and piles full of junk. This picture doesn't even do justice for how much crap is in this store. It's really a shame that this is the best thing about Ashern. Everything else pretty much sucks. Anyway, here's what I found...

Peanuts Cook Book (1974)

This is a weird one. It's got a bunch of Peanuts comics on one page, and some fairly basic recipes on the other page. What can you cook out of this? Well, there's Dog Food, A Cheese & Tomato Sandwich, Lemonade, Carrots, Cinnamon Toast, and a few others. Not sure why they put this one in, since I doubt many kids would like Prunes:

I dare all of you out there to make this and tell me it's tasty.

Jake Chenier - Pizza Paradise

Jake Chenier may look like Raffi, but he sounds like a man who is nicer than Mr. Rogers. He's got a very happy, non-threatening voice. The songs on this tape are dumb enough to classify it as a children's album. I must admit, I actually do like the acapella "Banana Split" song. Thank god the entire album wasn't full of songs about pizza (only two are). But this song is kinda lame. It's about a dumbass who keeps trying to get a pizza from the same place. Every time he places an order, the entire staff fucks off for a vacation.

Listen to "Pizza, My Heart's Delight"

Ike Turnpike & The Ditchcombers sing Roadkill

I really wasn't sure what to think of an album containing songs such as "Road Kill Junkie" and "Dining and Dancing at the Road Kill Cafe". I was hoping it would be funny... Like REALLY REALLY hoping that it would be funny.

It's not. It's stupid. How stupid is it? The entire ALBUM is about eating roadkill, whether it be freshly killed by an 18 wheeler, or rotting in the ditch for the last week. I never for the life of me would have thought ANYBODY could write an entire album about roadkill, but here it is. How in bloody hell did they get a record deal? Oh wait, the record label is located in Winnipeg. We've been pretty desperate to find the next Guess Who, haven't we?

Here's the song "Road Killer's Waltz"

Fisher Price Tape (circa 1985)

This mostly has some 80s music recorded on it and side 2 is blank. However, the end of side 1 contained something quite interesting. It sounds like a couple of teenagers playing with a circuit-bent Speak n' Spell. It's pretty funny listening to the toy spew out random crap while these kids try to interpret what it's doing.

Listen here!

If you've never seen a Speak n' Spell (let alone a circuit-bent one), you're in luck. Someone created an online simulation of a circuit-bent Speak n' Read so you can make your own crazy noises! Click here to play with it!

And now, for the coolest thing I found....

A Q-Bert Mini-Arcade!

This thing is the ONLY way portable gaming should be done! Four C Cells, a joystick, and a vacuum fluorescent display! Q-bert's body consists of a pair of legs and a ball for a head. The legs are also used to simulate Wrong Way / Ugg. Coily (the snake) has his own image.

How the hell do I know all their names? I owned the incredibly crappy Q-Bert board game at one point in my life which had all their names written on a die to decide who moves. The board game version was dreadfully awful.

Anyway, this Mini-Arcade works 100% and doesn't have any rust in the battery compartment. It's also a load of fun to play! There seem to be a couple of "features" missing that are present in the console version; Slick (that little green guy who changes all the colors back) doesn't make an appearance, and the green ball doesn't show up in any way, shape, or form.

I was going to make a video of the thing working, but someone else already did that. I'm lazy, so here's their video of the little machine working. The guy playing is either not very good, or he just doesn't give a shit.

Next on the Junq Tour? I don't know. It might be the thrift store in Lundar. It depends on how good/bad/stupid the one item I picked up is.

Album: Mini Stars

2010-09-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm heading back out to Ashern for the week, so I figured I'd squirt out a quick blog entry for your enjoyment.

After the original Mini Pops were dropped in 1989, Quality records (who released the final three Mini Pops albums in Canada) decided to continue making albums with kids singing pop songs. Thus, the Mini Stars were born. These kids don't have british accents, so I highly suspect they were Canadian.

This is the second-worst fucking thing I've ever listened to (the first is here). If you listen to the original Mini-Pops albums, the kids are all pre-puberty with the occasional adult backing the vocals just to make it sound a bit more full. In this horrible follow-up, the kids have entered puberty and their voices have changed. All the kids who haven't entered puberty do the back-ups, giving it a Sammy Davis Jr. "Candy Man" sound. The song "This Beat Is Technotronic" is mis-labelled as "Pump Up The Jam".

These song renditions are completely terrible. I have a feeling that there were NO kids who enjoyed this unbelievable piece of garbage, and were much happier spending their money on the original albums done by Roxette, New Kids on the Block, and MC Hammer.

First, I'm delivering to you this hilariously bad and somewhat re-written version of "U Can't Touch This".

LISTEN HERE!

I pulled this second song out of a Medley. I'll warn you now, this hurts both the ears AND the brain! I really wish this kid didn't fall for Leader Of The Pack:

LISTEN HERE!

My sincerest apologies for doing that to your ears, but if I have to go through the pain, so do you!

Download the full album HERE!

Junq Tour 2010: Thompson

2010-09-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been on tour, but the next month or so is going to be jam-packed with adventure! I was able to travel up to Thompson and browse the thrift stores up there. But before I get to that, here's some pictures I snapped along the way...

This is me enjoying the beautiful sights and sounds of Pisew Falls

Here's some lovely graffiti on a gas station bathroom wall in Grand Rapids.

And now, straight from Thompson....

It's 392 Thompson drive! Why is this significant? Three years ago, I posted a recording of my Uncle talking to a prank caller in this post. This is the building he lived in. What a fucking dump.

Anyway, enough of the scenery. Let's get to the goods...

There are two thrift stores in Thompson. One is on Thompson drive, and is full of mostly terrible junk. The only thing remotely interesting was the Christian blooper video of 100 Huntley Street which I didn't buy. Come on, this isn't Jerry Springer for chrissake!

The other thrift store is on Fox Bay, and was jam packed with stuff. I spent a whole $1.50 on the crap you'll see and hear below...

As a side note, this blog entry should be alternatively titled, "Talentless Album Art Directors"

Hits of the 50s Vol. 1

Pink background, black letters. This is what you're getting folks! It may not be by the original hits by the original artists, but these are hits of the 50s!

Wait a minute, what's "Runaround Sue" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961.

HEY! What's "Bristol Stomp" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961 too!

Jesus Christ, "Da Doo Ron Ron" is on here as well! That was recorded in 1963.

I got fucking RIPPED OFF!

Now, for your pleasure, here is "Beep Beep" originally done by the Playmates (yes, this is a hit from the 50s - I wouldn't rip off the loyal readers of my blog!) The assholes who recorded this version used a pussy-ass synthesizer to simulate a horn. It sounds just as funny as a squeaky fart.

Listen to Beep Beep!

Instrumental Gold Vol. 1

Art Director: We need cover art for our new "Instrumental Gold Vol. 1" album. Any ideas?
Photographer: Sure, we could rent some musical instruments and take a picture of those!
Art Director: What? You're fucking crazy! I don't have that kind of money!
Photographer: This is a record label. You make all kinds of money!
Art Director: This is "North American Superhits"! We sell our albums for $2 each!
Photographer: Oh, sorry. I thought you were a real record label
Art Director: Never mind that. Go take a picture of those dead Dandelions outside. That'll give the listener a good clue of how great this album sounds.
Photographer: Okay, boss!

And if it wasn't Moogy enough for you, they tried to make the song Popcorn even more Moogiful! It doesn't even sound like real popcorn anymore, and the Moog player messes up playing it.

Listen to Popcorn!

Wayne Bartlett - The Dream Still Lives

I love it when people flip through their photo albums to choose a photo for their album cover. They see one, point, and say "THAT ONE!!!" Wayne Bartlett released this cassette in 1995, but the photo screams "1983!" I love his giant sunglasses, his trucker's cap, and his 1983 Chevy van. Also, nothing says "manly" more than those big puffy pink flowers on the cover, thanks to Wayne's wife's lovely art direction.

The scary thing is this is Wayne's FIFTH album. I wonder if the other 4 are just as shitty as this one. I had to listen to this song TWICE to make sure I heard what I heard. Then I checked the lyric sheet, and it was worse that what I heard:

"Just last night I went and peed
On a light pole down the street
I had the urge to show my bird
To that new dog on the street
And all the little doggies
Smellin' to the doggy do-doo
Oughtta be down here in this hole with me
Instead of being up there with you"

The good people at Robinson-Blackmore botched the insert. They printed the lyrics to side one TWICE and completely left out side 2.

I can't help but wonder how many songs Wayne wrote about peeing on random things. Perhaps after I'm done making a digital copy of this song, I'll pee on the tape and see if Wayne's singing improves. On second thought, maybe not. I don't need to be cleaning piss out of my lovely Onkyo deck.

Listen to Heart Like A Grindstone!

And that wraps it up for Thompson. Next on the Junq Tour, we get to re-visit the thrift store in Ashern!

Video: Why Do Kids Listen To Rock Music?

2010-09-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Over the last little while, I've picked up a few interesting Christian videos. Now, when I say "interesting", it means "bloody ridiculous and highly entertaining!"

This is the first one I'm going to share with you. Of course, the title made me grab it immediately. Rich Wilkerson hates rock music. He even states that he has a strong personal bias against it in the video. He relates rock music to three main topics: Drug abuse, Sexual Immorality, and Demonic Worship. Since I own albums by most of the bands he attacks, it's pretty obvious that I have a heroin addiction, I participate in weekly orgies, and I offer a sacrifice of goat's blood to Satan every weekend. Rock music has greatly enriched my life!

So which bands and singers does he list in his motivational sermon? Here's a short list:

Van Halen
Loverboy
Supertramp
Rolling Stones
Judas Priest
Alice Cooper
David Bowie
Ted Nugent
Ozzy Osbourne
Black Sabbath
Duran Duran
AC/DC
Nazareth
Blue Oyster Cult
Styx
Meat Loaf
Krokus
The Police
Iron Maiden

I'm flattered that he mentioned my personal favorite (Blue Oyster Cult) but I'm kinda shocked that he bothered to pick on Loverboy, Styx, and Duran Duran. He also quickly went down a list of bands who's members had died from drug overdose.

But Mr. Wilkerson seemed to be particularly offended by Iron Maiden (who, by the way, puts on a great concert!) Here is Mr. Wilkerson ranting about how offensive Iron Maiden is to God:

So, what was the real message of this video? Does he actually answer the question "Why do kids listen to rock music?" Of course he answers. The reason kids listen to rock music is because they're lonely!

Excuse me while I go listen to my demonic Duran Duran album.

Roadkill CD-Rs

2010-09-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to the good old days when you could find a smashed cassette tape on the road, take it home, re-load it into a new shell, and then play it to see what was on it? It seems like only yesterday when I did that with a copy of Aerosmith's Classics Live.

Unfortunately, those days seem to be long gone. Now we've got CD-Rs. If they've been run over by too many cars, the content is completely gone. However, you occasionally get lucky...

It's not really the content that makes me pick one of these things up, but rather how the disc is jazzed up in some way by the person who burned it. Here's a few I've found:

Spice Girls Greatest Hits

Ah, the Spice Girls. How I remember you from my late high school days. How I hated hearing that dumbass in my class tell me that the Spice Girls were better than Blue Oyster Cult, simply because they had bigger tits. At least the 'Agents of Fortune' album is more timeless than EVERYTHING the Spice Girls did.

I'm not sure if this is a copy of an existing compilation, or something someone threw together. It doesn't play at all.

The Gumshoe Strut & Co.

Straight outta the North side of Winnipeg, these guys seem to have landed themselves on a small record label. This entire disc is playable, probably because I found it in a snowbank in the middle of Winter. I generally find hip hop boring, but the third track actually made me laugh. Listen to it here!

Hip-Hop #1 Dance Class

Alas, more hip hop! I think it's funny that the word "Aerobics" is written on this CD-R. I personally would find it more preferable to bob my head and smoke weed to this music, rather than do jumping jacks.

Most of it is somewhat playable. Thanks to Google, here's the track listing I descrambled from the lyrics:

J-Diggs - Push It Up
Busta Rhymes - Make It Clap
Amerie - Touch
R Kelly - Burn It Up
Chris Brown - Gimme That
Chris Brown - Run It
J-Kwon - Get XXX'd
Jhene - No Love
Mr. Vegas - Tamale
??? (can't understand the fucking lyrics)
R Kelly - Slow Wind
Ricky Martin - I Don't Care
Sean Paul - Temperature
Teairra Mari - No Daddy
T-Pain - I'm Sprung
Twista - Hit The Floor
Ying Yang Twins - Shake
(last two songs won't play)

What a bunch of crap. I haven't enjoyed this music since Snoop Doggy Dogg's first album altered the state of rap music forever.

To Alex, Love Julia!

I guess Alex didn't love Julia since he tossed this fucker out his car window. It's really a shame that it doesn't play since it's the one that shows the most promise musically. The only song that plays is the first one: Don't Walk Away Eileen by Sam Roberts.

These things are such fun to collect. It's like finding a small chunk of someone's life, tossed out into the street as if this part of their life wasn't worth holding onto.

Then there's me - I keep all my mix tapes and CDs.

Cheap Imitations Of Your Favorite Hits!

2010-08-31T17:55:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love 'tribute' albums. You may have seen stuff like this floating around ever since people owned their first turntable. These are albums full of your favorite songs performed by a bunch of crappy studio musicians. They're usually cheaper than your name-brand label compilations. They're priced low, and usually disguised as a REAL compilation. One of the big series out there today is the stuff performed by 'The Countdown Singers'. I've been toying off and on with the idea of actually collecting their stuff, but I'm too cheap to fork over $3 for a CD recorded by a bunch of phonies. 99 cents to $1.99 is about all I'm willing to pay for such junk.

Anyway, I'm bringing you highlights from three 8-track tapes. Some of the songs actually closely follow the original, while others make you wonder if these guys listened to the original more than twice.

Super Hits

Here is a fine tribute cart from what appears to be 'Soundco' records. There is no actual identifying mark on the label except for the catalog number (SC-129) and the word "Soundco" stamped into the plastic on the underside of the tape. There is absolutely NO indication on the label that these songs are played by a bunch of hacks.

Another oddball thing about this tape is the notch in the upper left-hand side of the tape. These notches were used on quadraphonic 8-tracks to automatically switch from 2-channel mode to 4-channel mode. In other words, if you jam this baby into a quad player (yes, I own one), you're going to hear Mungo Jerry singing with T.Rex, each on their own side of your living room in living stereo! But I digress, that's not really Mungo Jerry or T.Rex, nor is stereo actually a living thing.

Anyway, let's get to the songs. I don't know how popular The Stampeders were outside of Canada, but this is an extremely shitty re-creation of "Sweet City Woman".

LISTEN HERE!

For the second song, here is some Canadian dude trying to remove Marc Bolan's accent in the T.Rex song "Hot Love". Note that the song fades out in the middle to switch programs. I even left the long-ass cue tone in there for your listening pleasure. Marc Bolan is rolling in his grave.

LISTEN HERE!

Top Pop Hits Vol.29

Thanks to this tape, I've made it my life-long goal to track down the other 28 volumes in this collection. Jesus Christ, why couldn't they just re-name it after the second or third volume?

On the plus side, the Cherry label fully acknowledges that these songs were recorded by a bunch of assholes who will never be successful. I laughed my ass off when I read "Fantastic impressions of today's top hits simulating your favorite artist." It's like reading the ingredients on the label of a cherry-flavored candy.

And now, I bring you The Atlanta Connection doing a bad impression of Jimi Hendrix playing and singing "Heartbreaker", originally done by The Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger is rolling in his grave.

LISTEN HERE!

For our second selection from this tape, here is an extremely clumsy rendition of Terry Jacks' "Seasons In The Sun". I would have preferred them doing the B-side "Put The Bone In". At least nobody would care if they buggered up that song.

LISTEN HERE!

Top Ten Rock Vol.6

These guys were clever. They named their band "American Pick Hit Artists" which is a description of what the original artists are. These guys are also notorious for getting the lyrics wrong. Combine that with their terrible interpretation of what the original music is, and you've got "American Shit Pick Artists"

The first one is the 'single version' of Steve Miller's Jet Airliner. I would have loved to hear these hacks do Threshold, but that was too difficult for them so they just left it out.

LISTEN HERE!

The last one I'm offering is Peace of Mind originally done by Boston. The guy is most obviously scared of the high notes. He only manages to squeeze his balls for it at the end of the song, and I believe he ordered the band to skip playing the middle part to minimize testicular damage while recording. Brad Delp is rolling in his grave.

LISTEN HERE!

And that's it for this round. I've got lots more of these albums kicking around, and I'll probably post more in the future.

One more thing, I've almost run out of hard drive space. I need to do some archiving badly so I can get some more videos up on Youtube. I've got some pretty funny ones just waiting for an audience :)

Video: Vulvas and Fecal Matter

2010-08-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

This is a nifty DVD I picked up at the Value Village called "The Sensationalists of the 90s." It's basically a compilation of apparently 'good' films that have been made by people who reside here in Winnipeg. It was still sealed when I bought it. It's really a shame that the person who owned it didn't actually crack it open and watch it. It's got a couple of extremely disturbing videos on it. To think that people in my city are THIS disturbed is actually a bit frightening.

The first video is about a guy who makes a sculpture of a little boy out of his own shit. I'M NOT KIDDING. Why on earth would ANYBODY even think of doing such a thing? I mean, I could see someone making a video about getting drunk and shitting on the hood of their neighbor's car or something, but THIS?

Anyway, it's up on Youtube. The real shame is that this will probably fit in perfectly fine with Youtube's standards for what's acceptable, while the second video would likely be removed. Why this video is called "Rapture" is beyond me. I'd be more inclined to call it "One Flew Over The Poo-Poo Nest"

The second video I'm sharing is a woman dancing and singing while dressed as a giant vulva. I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS ONE EITHER! Here's a screenshot:

I know this would get removed quite quickly from youtube, so I have provided a download link:

We're Talking Vulva

If you find this video disturbing, don't look at me. You're the one who downloaded it!

The Bunny Boppers

2010-07-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

After about 25 years of searching, I've finally secured my second copy of this 45. I got my first copy at the neighbor's garage sale, probably for a quarter way back in 1983 (or so). It eventually got destroyed by a care-free childhood. I have no clue what happened to it. I picked up this copy at a record sale for a buck (goddam inflation!). I generally don't have any use for 45s, but after digging through a bunch of useless and common LPs, I said to myself, "I'll see if they got it, you never know." And there it was!

Like many records in my day, this one sounded better on the wrong speed. Played at 33 1/3 RPM, this thing sounds like the gloppy goo that came out of the 90s. But at 45 RPM, it's a new wave treat!

I believe this is the ONLY thing that the Bunny Boppers ever put out. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is a child's record. My guess is it came with a toy of some sort, as there's a french version on the flipside (which also makes it Canadian.) The cassettes that came with Barbie Dolls usually had the same type of format: English side one, French side two. If anyone knows anything about the history of this 45, please share!

Now, I'll leave you to enjoy this funky piece of happiness:

Bunny Beat in English
Bunny Beat in French

More Apologies

2010-06-28T19:00:00.001-07:00

Yes, here's more apologies for the lack of updates. I had some more unwanted stress show up in my life that's been dragging me down. I haven't really been frequenting thrift stores and garage sales lately. Anyone who knows me will tell you that this isn't how I usually am. I live for that stuff!!!

Regardless, I did pick up something interesting recently. I've got a video of a statue made from human shit and a dancing clitorus to put up for you viewing enjoyment. I just need some time and motivation to get it up. Maybe this weekend...

Candid Pics: 10/06/07

2010-06-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

Although I've been a bit absent, I've still been snapping some snappy pictures. Here's a nice large batch that I've accumulated over the last little while:

Pedestrian Speed Bump

If you're ever in Winnipeg, be sure to head down to the Home Depot on Regent and crush a few pedestrians with your automobile.

Broom Guy

This guy lives and breathes brooms. He lives in a house on Notre Dame with a picket fence made of brooms (I'll snap a pic when I can). Here's a picture of him taking some of his brooms for a much-needed walk.

Cat In The Hat Journal

Found a Journal in Value Village with the Cat In The Hat on the cover. I couldn't justify buying it for the one page with writing, so I just took a picture of it.

Dog On Car

Don't ask me why. He was just there.

Donkey Milk

I got a free Donkey Milk at the McDonalds in Brandon. I don't know what I did to earn the Donkey Milk, but I learned something new that day... Donkey milk is mighty rich in chocolate.

Shitty Lawn

This lawn is completely covered in turds. The strange thing is none of the turds are squashed. They've all retained their natural rolly log-ular shape.

Shitty Sidewalk

You can tell you're in the cruddiest part of town (Martha Street) when you see human shit on the sidewalk. Looks like the brown paper bag was used to wipe after the guy had his liquid lunch.

Raggedy Ann Mystery

Poor Raggedy Ann seems to be homeless and lonely (or freshly raped)

Tenants of 10 Inkster

10 Inkster is a complex for those who are 65+. It seems that senility is making it's rounds through the building.

Junq Tour 2010: Brandon

2010-06-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCK! I'm doing a blog entry! Yes, this has been a crazy month, but I'm hoping to get things back to normal in the next few weeks. The most hectic part is pretty much done, although there's still things to be taken care of. Again, sorry I've been away for so long.

And yes, the Junq tour is back again. However, I don't think there's going to be as much this year as there was last. I gave up my trip to The Pas & Flin Flon because one of my co-workers REALLY wanted to go fishing there which was fine by me. I fucking hated Flin Flon.

Anyway, I went to Brandon, Manitoba. The slogan for their city is "All Your Wheat Are Belong To Us". I actually went there last year, but didn't pick anything up because the prices at their Value Village aren't very competitive with, say, Wal-Mart. The only differences between the Wal-Mart and the Value Village is Value Village doesn't have a pissed-off greeter at the front door, and the goods aren't very good. But this year I managed to escape with three treasures.

Piano Stylings by Joan MacKay

Oooh lookie! Grandma recorded an album! She looks so happy dressed up in her muumuu, and that fake bead necklace just.... wow.

The album starts off with a soothing 60Hz hum. I'm guessing Joan recorded this on her vacuum-tube-powered Viking reel 2 reel machine. I'll give her credit, she can play very well for an old bag. Thank Christ she didn't sing which is probably why this album is somewhat enjoyable.

I won't bother posting a sound clip as there's nothing bizarre about a good piano player. I'll leave the clips for the next couple of albums...

Size Small - The Wonderful Play-Along, Sing-Along, Laugh-Along Child's Treasure

Winnipeg's K-Tel label seemed to take pride in releasing soundtracks to local television programs. I grew up watching Size Small. I've seen this album in the thrift shops before, but every copy I've seen was previously used to shovel dog shit off someone's gravel driveway. This copy is near-mint.

Most of this stuff is quite innocent children's entertainment, but one track really struck me as odd. Someone must have beaten the shit out of this poor kid. Have a listen:
(Mud On My Shoes - Size Small)

Yikes!
And if you want a video clip, here's some cooter music for you.

All-Star Party

This album is chok full of fucking terrible impressions of famous children's icons from 1982. The songs were written by a half-retarded lemon-merang pie who shouldn't have been left to mould in K-tel's basement recording studio. ANYBODY could write better shit than this. I could write better songs than this while throwing up a 24 of Papst Blue Ribbon beer.

Coconuts & Cats features hypnotized children singing while some asshole does a bad impression of Sylvester.
(Coconuts & Cats - Elmer Fudd & Tweety Pie)

The Pac Man songs are just plain awful
(Take The Fruit & Scoot - Pac Man)
(Slightly Crazy Lazy Day - Pac Man)

The song about E.T. is more gay than Ricky Martin at a Backstreet Boys concert.
(E.T. I Love You - The Starlight Children's Chorus )

And speaking of the Backstreet Boys, Donkey Kong seems to have formed his own boy band.
(On Top Of The World - Donkey Kong)

Just when I thought nothing was gayer than the E.T. song, the Two Songs about the Pink Panther made me want to prance around with Nick Jonas while carrying flowers in my mouth.
(Pink Panther Time - Pink Panther)
(Pink Panther On The Prowl - Pink Panther)

Remember last year when I wrote about that entry about Barbie & Ken? Remember that dreadful 45 with Ken singing "A Little Bit of that Sky"? Well, it seems they joined together and recorded more god-awful showtunes to perform in Las Vegas for all their plastic relatives. Mattel and K-Tel must have settled their brand name dispute outside of court and came up with a really bad all-in-one promotional agreement and record contract. Beware of that first song, it makes me want to rip the coils out of my speakers.
(Barbie and her Friends - Barbie)
(It All Comes Back To You - Barbie)

Ronald McDonald went from being an un-funny clown to being a stupid drunken barn-dance hillbilly and a pansy-ass environmentalist.
(The McSquare Dance Hoedown - Ronald McDonald)
(The second song is too long and stupid to post)

This has to be the most god-awful thing that K-tel has EVER released. It doesn't even pass well for a decent children's album. But if you enjoy really bad impressionists singing terrible lyrics to campy music, then you'll find plenty to enjoy in this jam-packed all-star party album! Be sure to have plenty of drugs and booze available if you plan to play this at a party. Your guests WILL need it.

And by request, you can download the whole thing BY CLICKING HERE!!!

One More Time...

2010-04-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to find really bad cover songs out in the wild, but it's another to record one yourself...

A few years back, I recorded myself singing to a bunch of karaoke recordings. Most of them were actually serious attempts to make them sound good. But just for the heck of it, I recorded a couple purely for fun.

To make up for the lack of entries over the last while, I'm letting you in on something that could be potentially embarassing. But honestly, this is probably my most favorite recording out of the batch that I did. So without further ado, here is me singing Britney Spears' 'Baby One More Time'.

CLICK HERE!!!

Reminder....

2010-04-13T19:16:00.001-07:00

Just a reminder that I'm not dead. Life is still a bit hectic, and I expect things to smoothen out come May. However, I do have some holidays next week, so I should be able to get an entry or two up. Until then, go look through the archives to keep yourself amused.

Albums You've Never Heard Of: Part 4

2010-04-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

With all the commotion going on in my personal life right now, I'm still making an effort to pump out the occasional blog entry. Yay! I'm also currently suffering the mid-winter slump, which is pretty good considering it's April and once the weather is behaving somewhat reliably, garage sales will be upon us and treasures will flow from every orifice of Winnipeg.

But for now, here's three more albums from the teetering stack of albums nobody has ever heard of, nor wants to buy - and for very good reason. I have yet to come across one that screams "I'm awesome! put me into your regular music rotation!" Instead, these albums are like smelly fruit that's been sitting in the fridge for a few months. They make your face wrinkle up, much like what that fruit will look like once you finally locate it.

This is also the Cover Version special, and all of these songs are on CD, so quality attempts to grace your ears!

The HADDs - Never Mind The Re-Org, Here's The HADDs

I had high hopes for this one. The name is obviously a parody of the first album by The Sex Pistols which I enjoyed immensely. However, all relation to the Pistols is lost when you press play and hear an extremely bland and shitty version of "Blue Suede Shoes". Here's the track listing on the disc, all covers:

1) Blue Suede Shoes
2) Jukebox In My Mind
3) The Dance
4) Heartbreak Hotel
5) Knockin' On Heaven's Door
6) Wonderful Tonight
7) Poncho & Lefty
8) Just A Matter Of Time
9) Ruby Baby
10) Love Will Keep Us Alive
11) A Fool Such As I
12) Stand By Me
13) Brown Eyed Girl

The drummer is a synthesizer. The singer is some average guy (nicknamed 'da Soulman) who shouldn't give up his day job. Also, whoever decided to put The Fucking Dance by Garth Brooks on this album should have their teeth flossed with their guitar strings. I hate that goddam song.

Also, I have no clue what "Re-Org" nor a "HADD" is. From the cover, I'm guessing HADD stands for "Horny Asshole's Droopy Dick"

But if you like bland rock covers, you'll enjoy this uninteresting version of Brown Eyed Girl:

Click Here To Listen

Tonia & Donna - Insieme

Here's two old ladies who put together a collection of boring piano-backed cover songs. They look pretty happy considering how depressing the song selection is. I had to ask myself, why would ANYBODY put together a CD of such miserable music? Then I looked at the back cover...

Yes! Of course! The music is depressing because this wonderful album was funded by the good people at Wojcik's, Winnipeg's finest funeral chapel! There is actually a third member to this group, but he was unable to get out from his coffin to play the guitar which is noticeably missing from the recordings. Wojcik's put on a nice service for him and played this fine recording which enhanced the bawling and sadness of the family and friends who attended. May the third member rest in peace.

Please take home a piece of this funeral by listening to Tonia & Donna's painful rendition of "The Rose". CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

Yvette - Love, Light and Blue

This album borderlines on driving me insane. When Yvette Rochon hits some of those high notes, it makes me want to drive my index finger through my skull. Don't get me wrong, with the right song, this singing style can be quite enjoyable and a few of these songs are. I'd love to hear Yvette do a version of Pineapple Rag. Speaking of which, if anyone knows who did this version of Pineapple Rag, please let me know. I'd love to find a complete copy instead of this hacked up cassette I recorded off the radio back in 1984.

Anyway, this trio perfoms songs that aren't as irritating as the garbage on the Kathie Lee Gifford album, which is a good thing. However, calling this a "trio" is somewhat a mistake. It's mostly Yvette singing and a lady named Jo Ann playing the piano. Whenever the guitar player actually plays, he is totally fucking useless. While Yvette and Jo Ann are doing their thing, the guitar player just starts dicking around with the strings, playing NOTHING of ANY relevance to the rest of the performance. The occasional "plunk", "plink" and random chord pulls a somewhat decent performance down to the bottom of a three month old outhouse, where bad musical groups live and munch on human feces. His guitar playing sucks, and he should be fired from "Yvette".

Click Here to listen to "Things Are Looking Up"

And another round of "Garbage Albums from Inner Winnipeg" has come and gone. As the pile grows, I'll get around to more of them. If you see an album in this list or any of the previous ones that you would like made available for download, please don't hesitate to ask. I have lots of webspace just dying to be used!

Video Game: Kentris

2010-03-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Quite a few years ago, I picked up this CD-ROM for five bucks at a used book & CD store (check out the original price - yikes!!!). It's got a ton of old DOS games on it. I was hoping for some text adventures, but I didn't seem to luck out here. However, it did get me on a Commander Keen kick for quite some time.

I put a pile of these games onto my BBS while I was running it. I tried most of them, and came across an extremely weird game called Kentris. It's a Tetris clone written by a guy named.... get this.... KEN! Pretty original, huh?

Kentris is amusing for one reason: the audio. Ken's nasally nerdy voice fills your gameplay with action-packed excitement! Here's a video:

And if you would like to download your very own copy of Kentris, you can visit Ken Silverman's Website. Not only do you get Kentris, but you also get the source code so you can fuck around with it and make the gameplay better!

For those of you without programming abilities, you can replace Ken's audio files with your own and actually make it sound like a REAL game!

Candid Pics: 10/03/22

2010-03-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

My deepest apologies for the lack of updates, but there's been a lot of stuff going on in my personal life. I won't lie, it's going to affect the frequency of the postings over the next little bit, but things will hopefully be back to normal shortly. I've got lots of blog fodder in queue, and garage sale season is right around the corner. There's no shortage of things to write about!

For now, here's some pictures I've taken in the past month or so:

Happy Art?

Crime Spree at Old Folks Complex

It's Still Halloween!

Iron Maiden Is Coming To Town!

2010-03-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

Hey all, figured I'd get in a quick blog entry. I'm having some surgery on Saturday, so this weekend is going to be royally fucked.

Anyway, Iron Maiden is coming to town! Not sure if I'll get to see them this time around, but I did a couple years ago. They were pretty damn good. Here's a bizarre radio promo for the band which I recorded off The Scruff Show back in the mid-90s. Enjoy!

CLICK HERE!

See you all in about a week. I should have something more substantial by next weekend.

A Boy Named Shoes

2010-03-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

Gather around children, and I'll tell you a story.

A long time ago, back when I was in high school, I was dating the girl of my dreams. Yeah, mushy mushy. Anyway, just before Christmas, we met this guy named Darren.

Darren was kind of weird. He seemed to end every sentence with the word 'man'. "Let's go have a smoke, man!" or "I like my hair, man!" On the way home on the bus, he took down both me and my girlfriend's phone numbers and said he was gonna invite us over to groove to some Pink Floyd, man!

I fucking don't like Pink Floyd.

Over the Christmas break, he called my girlfriend numerous times. He called me zero times. I knew what was going on - he was after my woman! That's a no-no.

Here's another picture of the guy:

I'm flying man! Wheeeeeeee!!!!

Darren lived in a one-room shithole with a toilet that EVERYBODY in the building had to share. He loves Pink Floyd, likes to drink, loves to smoke, does miscellaneous drugs, makes toast by putting bread on a coat hanger and holding it over an oven element, and uses a piece of telephone wire for a belt. He also claims to look exactly like Jim Morrison. In my opinion, he looks more like a horse who lost a fight with nitro glycerine.

He also has a big brown stain on his teeth from smoking too much hash (or eating too much shit):

Sexy, man!

Darren was also a poet. Here's a piece of Darren's work which was written on one of his sexy pictures:

Anyway, when my girlfriend told him that we were engaged, he professed his love to her. "But, I love you, man!" Of course, my fiance gave him the "we're just friends" line. Poor Darren. He hated my guts.

How He Got The Name "Shoes"

One day, Darren was obsessed with getting himself a nickname. Of course, they were mostly Pink Floyd themed names. "How about 'Bricks'?... Naah, too heavy man. How about D.D. The P.F. Man?... Naaah, too long, man."

Anyway, I was telling my friends the story about Darren's adventure in choosing a nickname. Just for fun, I threw in something totally absurd. "How about 'SHOES'? Naah, too much sole, man."

....and we laughed... and laughed... and the name stuck. 'Shoes' it was!

After me and my fiance moved into our own place, Shoes got back in contact with her. He continued to tell her how much he loved her. I was getting fed up with Shoes. It was time for me to put an end to this nonsense.

While my fiance was at work, I called Shoes. When he answered, I hung up. I relied on Caller ID to inform him that it was the girl of his dreams calling him, and maybe she had come to her senses and discovered she really DID love him! When he called back, not me, nor any human answered the phone. I had set up my PC to answer every call that came in. So when he called, all he heard was a squealing noise, much like a fax machine. He called, and called, and called, and I laughed, and laughed, and laughed!

After about two hours of him repeatedly phoning, I figured enough was enough. The guy couldn't get a clue if it was written into a Pink Floyd song. So I answered. Through the magic of an old answering machine I hacked, the call was recorded:

CLICK HERE!

He never called back.

Happy Fag In Shower

2010-02-28T18:57:00.000-08:00

I've had this cassette kicking around for a while, but never looked at the label. I think it was in the same box as the Unicity Taxi video.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out why it was given this title. Maybe it really did have a recording of a happy fag in the shower, but someone recorded over it. Or maybe the person singing IS the happy fag in the shower. Maybe the song is called "Happy Fag in Shower". I really can't tell you. I'll just have to leave you to draw your own conclusion from the recording.

Listen to Happy Fag In Shower!

It's My Birthday!!!

2010-02-21T14:22:00.000-08:00

It's blog-entry Sunday, and my birthday has magically fallen upon it. I was trying to figure out what to do for this entry, and then I figured I'd write about important things that happened in my life which led up to me creating this goofy blog.

I was a huge music junkie, even when I was five years old. I still own a cassette of "music" which I recorded on my parents' floor-model stereo system (yes, I knew how to work a tape recorder at that age). The tape was probably a K-Mart brand (green label) 90 minute low-noise compact cassette. The tape has seen many better days. It's been eaten a few times and the tape is twisted in some spots which have been permanently pressed for well over 20 years. While I was cueing up the tape to create this MP3, the tape deck decided to wound it yet again by eating it. I carefully unwound it from the capstan and performed yet another surgery on it. I won't let this tape die after having it for some 25 years! Regardless, here's a really irritating children's song (and the portion that I pulled out of my deck's throat):

Listen to a stupid animal song!

The first computer I owned was a TRS-80 Model I. I got my first taste of programming on this thing, and ironically it gave me a jumpstart into working with electronics, trying to find (and repair) a reliable shoebox tape recorder which could save and load programs reliably. This computer cost me a whole ten dollars, and a few years later I stupidly re-sold it for ten dollars. It's worth more on Ebay these days:

The first computer program I ever wrote was on the Commodore Vic-20. It was called "Dot Junk", a really stupid math game which didn't really make any sense. Regardless, it was my first venture into programming my own stuff. The original version I programmed needed a RAM expansion since it didn't fit into the generous 3.5K of RAM the Vic leaves for the user. About a year or two later when my programming got more efficient, I made a slimmed down version. Here's a couple of screenshots:

I can't believe it was 20 years ago that I wrote this thing!

If you have a Vic-20 emulator, you can download 'Dot Junk' and try it out!

The bulk of my teenage years in the 1990s included programming on my Vic-20 and later my Commodore 64. Also eating up my time was creating mashups and medleys (under the name Canned Peaches) on my reel 2 reel machines and whatever other analog stereo equipment I owned. Here's a picture of the setup I had in my bedroom:

Now that I have webspace, I'm planning on making all my Canned Peaches albums available for downloading in the (hopefully) near future. Here's just one of the masterpieces I created during my depressing, sheltered teenage life... and what an appropriate song it is! It's my goofy, messed up birthday medley (unfortunately, I'm not turning 16 this year):

Click Here for "Happy 16th Birthday"

I believe it was in 1996 when my brother got me started on playing guitar. My mother bought me a really cheap acoustic guitar from Consumers Distributing. I played the shit out of that thing. Eventually, my uncle sent me an electric guitar which I still have to this day. One of the greatest feelings I've ever experienced is writing a song and hearing it come alive on stage. I'll put up some of my songs (including video footage) in the future. I just don't have the time to transfer and edit any video today.

In the year 1999, I entered into the already dying BBS scene. I loved BBSing with a passion, and decided to pay for a separate phone line and run my own BBS. I had around 50 door games (including X-rated ones), Fidonet, and a file base full of pr0n. Here's the ANSI graphic people saw when they logged in:

All this stuff (and more) has contributed to my love for music, old technology, and all things bizarre. A lot of people tell me I have no life. The thing is, this IS my life, and I find it to be a very satisfying one. Happy birthday to me, and all the oddball things in life I enjoy!

The Modern Computer

2010-02-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm addicted to owning ancient computer books. I've been addicted to them ever since they were new. With the exception of larger storage space, more RAM and faster speeds, the basic parts of a computer haven't changed all that much. Below are some scans from these old computer books, telling you about the main components of the computer you're using right now. Enjoy the pictures, the descriptions, and yes, the prices of computer hardware of yesteryear! This blog entry is a bit graphic intensive, so click read more to see the rest of the images.

Full Computer System:

...read more...

Monitor:

Keyboard:

Mouse:

Printer:

Scanner:

Modem:

Hard Drive:

Floppy:

CD-ROM:

RAM:

Sound Card:

Bicycle:

Sources:
1 - 1986 Computer Buying Guide (Signet, 1986)
2 - An Introduction to Personal and Business Computers (Rodnay Zaks, 1978)
3 - The New Penny Computer Hardware & Software Magalog (Vol.8, Summer 1988)
4 - Introduction to Computers and Data Processing (Shelly & Cashman, 1980)
5 - Computers and Man (Richard C. Dorf, 1974)
6 - Understanding Computers and Data Processing (Charles S. Parker, 1987)

Albums You've Never Heard Of: Part 3

2010-02-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts. Here in Manitoba, this is a long weekend, and I've got a shitload of these albums piling up, so I'm bringing you some extra-special ones this time around, and I'm sure you'll enjoy them (yeah right).

Crystal Plohman - Fiddle Fun

Okay, this one actually isn't too bad. If you like a good drunken barndance hoedown and you live in 1984, be sure to hire 11 year old Crystal Plohman to play at your straw-filled, drunken-uncle-puking-into-the-milk-bucket Square Dance!

Yes, this is an album recorded by a kid, and it's even autographed too! So, where is Crystal Plohman these days? Well, she's still playing that damn thing! After taking a browse through her discography, it seems that this album is in the "please forget me" file. Regardless, I won't let you forget this album, Miss Plohman!

Click here and listen to the lovely "Apple Blossom Waltz"

Shirley

When I looked at this thing at the thrift store, I immediately thought, "Who the hell is Shirley? Is it like 'Tiffany' but with added menopause and wrinkles?" Well, I was close. This is an album by Shirley Jones, that lady who played that lady in the Partridge family. I fucking hate the Partridge family. I used to own the "Sound Magazine" album on 8-track, but got rid of that god-awful thing.

But even Sound magazine was more tolerable than this piece of ear-raping trash. Why do old bags like Shirley Jones and Kathie Lee Gifford think they can sing like angels?

Click here to get ear-fucked by "If I Loved You". It's bloody horrid!

Lo and behold, this tape is autographed too (not like it's worth anything). Can you say "washed up"?

Iikcu - Scribble-Scribble

I don't know if that's how you write the name, nor how you pronounce the album title. This thing isn't even in English. Well, with the exception of one thing in the inlay:

Let's get a web definition of 'biosafety' to help us understand the picture...

Biosafety: The application of knowledge, techniques and equipment to prevent personal, laboratory and environmental exposure to potentially infectious agents or biohazards.

WHAT...THE...FUCK

Okay, so this unpronounceable album has a picture of a teenage boy with a mullet on the cover, and a picture of a biohazard-removing toothbrush inside. It gets even weirder when you play the tape... The singer sounds female! So, I can only guess that this teenage boy had a bad experience with some sort of biohazard which chewed off his penis, his testicles, and turned his testosterone into estrogen. Then he grew breasts and recorded an album of shitty 80s music. He didn't have any money to take a new picture for the album cover, so they used one from when he only dreamed of getting into a girl's panties. Now, not only can he get into panties, he wears them on a daily basis!

Click Here and Listen to 'Scribble' (aka Track 3)

And that's it for goofy thrift store albums, at least until I dig in the ever-growing pile again. Hope I didn't traumatize you too badly this round.

DVD: Animation From Around The World

2010-02-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

I picked up this DVD at Dollarama. It was nestled between all the shitty narrated children's book DVDs, and the 3-Crappy-70s-Movies-In-1 DVDs. Just from the title, I figured I'd find something at least remotely bizarre on it.

The DVD turned out to be a dollar well spent. It's FULL of bizarre shit!

According to the internet, this is actually a repackaged video originally called "The International Tournee of Animation: Volume 4." People have apparently paid $30-$40 for this thing on VHS, and here I picked it up in a dollar store.

I'm putting up two segments from this video. The first is a segment of moving blobs, narrated by a man and a woman having sex. Don't believe me? Watch it:

Before I get into the second video, I want you to take a good look at the back of the DVD case. Read it:

Unfortunately, I cannot put the second video on Youtube. If I do, it will get removed because it violates Youtube's terms due to the pumping sex action and big titties!

This isn't the only offensive piece on the DVD, there are a few others. This is just the most offensive one. Not only is it a bit creepy, it contains war, nutity, and sex - everything you'd want your children to see in a DVD from the dollar store!

It's about a 30M download. CLICK HERE TO GET IT!

And if you'd like to own a copy of this DVD but can't find it in your local dollar store, you can get it from Amazon.

Out-Of-Print Favorites

2010-01-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

With the joys of having webspace come the joys of being able to share things that are difficult to gain access to. Therefore, I'm giving away some albums I have kicking around that I find quite enjoyable for one reason or another. These albums are not available on CD, and I believe two of them aren't even available on cassette (although I could be wrong).

These are quite stellar copies of these albums. I generally won't buy an album if it's got the shit beaten out of it. Also, there's the unfortunate possibility that if the owner of these recordings requests that I remove them, I will have no choice but to do so. But, we'll see how things go! Click on the image to get the album.

Roy Mykytyshyn - Divorce Ukrainian Style

Ah, yes, the favorite from Roy. Many people own this album, and it seems to be a Winnipeg classic. If you by any chance speak the language, you will enjoy this album even more than I do!

Mini Pops

The 1982 debut from the Mini Pops should be considered a classic for so many reasons. It sold well, and they often mistakenly get credited for creating the song "Video Killed The Radio Star" (it was actually Bruce Woolley & The Camera Club).

24 Dumb Ditties

Many people my age grew up with this album. I personally went through about five copies of it throughout my lifetime. The copy I currently have is the best sounding, and it's also the longest I've ever had it (I bought it ten years ago). This is the 8-track song order because I can't remember the order on the LP. There are a few copies of this floating around on the net, but this is likely going to be one of the more stellar-sounding ones out there... It's crystal clear!

Just as a side note, if you decide to burn these to an audio CD, you'll get best results if you burn them with no silence between the tracks. Also, if there's any albums you've seen me write about on this blog that are out of print, I do take requests! Feel free to send me an email.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these now-rare classics as much as I do.

New Site Test 123

2010-01-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

Testing, testing, 1,2,3

Ahem...

Hello, and welcome to Classicalgasemissions.com. Yes, that's right... Classicalgasemissions dot FUCKING com! It's a real website now! Look at the address bar! I'm official!

The great blog re-vamp has begun. I have around 60 audio files that need their filenames cleaned up (Houndbite and Putfile didn't care about the filename, but webspace does) and I also want to get the fuck off Photobucket. There's probably at least a couple hundred images.

So, now that Classicalgasemissions.com is a reality, it's time to start taking things seriously. You're going to see many exciting changes for this place in the near future. Here are some of the new things you're going to see:

- Blog Entries

Wow, what an exciting list of things to come!

But seriously, the webspace I bought is unlimited. I'll be able to put full albums up for your downloading pleasure! But first, I gotta clean everything up and make it all nice and shiny, so I'm gonna be busy for a bit. The audio files are the first thing on my list to tackle because they're currently fucked up, so be patient and all will be back to normal in a few days.

I also must thank you all for your patience during all these shitty audio outages over the past year or so. I'll put something nice up for all of you this weekend.

Oh yes, and special thanks to Arvixe for the webspace and the live support. If you need some webspace, go with these guys. The price is good, and the features are excellent. Best of all, they use LINUX!!!

Candid Pic: 10/01/28

2010-01-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

Fire at Lagimodiere and Dugald (for all you Winnipeggers):

If the lights at Lagimodiere and Regent were a bit faster, I could've got there when it was still belching out smoke.

Classical Gas Emissions - Faster than the 6:00 News!

Free Press doesn't even have a picture yet. Story Here

The War on Drugs

2010-01-24T15:07:00.000-08:00

I owe you guys a couple of blog entries, and I'll be doing another one later this week. Houndbite has been resurrected from the dead, but they didn't give an apology or nothing. I'm still going to think about the benefits of buying my own unlimited webspace. Think about all the useless shitty albums I could put up for downloading!

Anyway, here's one (of two) 15 minute videos I picked up on the subject of why kids shouldn't do drugs. The first one includes some creepy puppets and a hippie puppet. This video is about two kids who got sucked into an arcade vortex and get to meet a guy dressed in a blue body suit, who then gets some video effect guys to turn him into moving psychedelic colors that any stoner would surely enjoy.

The video is aimed at students in grades 5-6, and was produced by Canadian police along with the good people at Shopper's Drug Mart.

Also, check out my new animated splash at the beginning of this video! It took three evenings to program that on my Commodore 128 (in C-64 mode). I'm surprised that I retained most of what I learned about programming in BASIC. It felt really good to do it again.

However, I think I'll keep it at the end of my videos instead of book-ending it like I did for this video. Regardless, enjoy watching the scare tactics and the trippy-looking guy!

It Looks Final... Someone Shot the Rabid Houndbite

2010-01-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

Of course, during another crisis in the history of this blog, another one of my videos has gone viral - the first one I ever put on Youtube, the first one I ever posted about. The Gancha video.

I'd like to welcome all the newcomers to my blog, and you will notice that all my audio files have dead links. The place I was hosting them went belly-up on the weekend. My deepest apologies, and I'm pretty pissed off since this is the second time it's happened since I gave birth to this place.

Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to buy webspace to host all my shit. I'm sick of re-uploading everything after a third-party dies, and I'm sick of how Photobucket keeps making their website crappier. I've had this blog for almost three years, I've got a nice reader base now, and it's time to take it a bit more seriously. I'm going to start posting videos about Global Warming and the environment...

....when hell freezes over ;)

You know I'm kidding, right? I'll keep posting the same garbage, but you'll recieve the garbage faster, and in larger quantities. I'll be looking into buying webspace this weekend. Stay tuned (yet again).

Houndbite is Currently Down

2010-01-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

I decided to do this great blog entry, got the audio together, and then disovered that Houndbite is currently not working. I hope it's only temporary and didn't go tits up like Putfile did. I'll give it a couple of days. If it's really gone for good, that's bad news because I'll have to find yet ANOTHER audio hosting site and re-upload all my audio again.

If this happens to be the case, I may actually look into paying for some webspace.

Stay tuned, and my apologies for the lack of an update today.

S'kiddle Bits with Joey Gregorash

2010-01-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

I believe I've written about the local 80s TV children's show "S'kiddle Bits" on here before, but I'll recap.

S'kiddle Bits was a locally produced children's TV show in Winnipeg that was broadcast at 12:00 (lunch time) on weekdays in the 1980s. It was specifically aimed at kids who came home from school to eat lunch (kids who ate at school were shit out of luck).

The host of the show was local talent Joey Gregorash (singer, radio DJ) and he'd usually have a bunch of local guests featured on the show. Every day, he'd send out Birthday greetings, take callers, and give out prizes to the nth caller, or to the person who would guess the "Watchamacallit" correctly. The "Watchamacallit" was basically an item (tennis ball, tooth brush, etc) that had only a small portion of it photographed and put on the screen. Kids would call in and try to guess what it was. He also did music videos of parodies for educational purposes or to try and get a specific message across.

In the 1990s, S'kiddle Bits re-invented itself and became a show called "High Noon" which featured some lame dog puppet as Joey's sidekick. It was around this time that I quit watching the show, as I was outgrowing it and the rebranding / reinvention killed it's 'cozy family entertainment' feeling. High Noon was cancelled after one year.

What I have here is two clips from S'kiddle Bits. The first features guest Robert Church who worked at Petland and was a regular guest on S'kiddle bits. In this clip, he brings along some suicidal turtles, newts, and plays with a scorpion.

The second is the Bus Driver Song done to the tune of "Yellow Submarine" (I hope Youtube doesn't remove the video due to copyright, as Joey used the real Beatles track). Those of you from Winnipeg who grew up in the 1980s will appreciate the nostalgia, and those who think of us Winnipeggers as goofy Canadian yahoos will certainly find validation in these two videos. Enjoy!

Middle Finger Man

2010-01-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

Back in the early to mid 90s, Ziploc did a series of ads that featured fingers telling you how great Ziploc bags were. In case you don't remember, here's one of the ads:

A few spoofed versions of these ads were aired on the Scruff Connors morning show featuring the middle finger promoting the bags. Here's four of these spoofed commercials. Enjoy!

For freshness you can count on, click here and listen to Middle Finger Man!

The Unicity Taxi Company

2010-01-01T09:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, happy new year! 2010 is full of promises for really good blog entries (at least we hope)

The Unicity Taxi service is one of Winnipeg's finest cab companies. If you were out partying it up last night, perhaps you got a ride home from one of these two goons:

I don't know who's home video this is, but it was left to die in the freezing snow with a bunch of other tapes. This is the video I found along with the 'Lil Dribbler' picture.

This tape is full of very uninteresing footage from multiple camping trips, family gatherings, Christmas, and birthdays. Also on this tape is piss-poor camera work which caused me to view this tape in multiple sittings due to motion-sickness. Having the camera zoomed in and moving it in circles will guarantee to make your audience throw up all over your furniture while watching your latest trip to West Hawk Lake.

I can only guess that this video was taken on Halloween. If not, then I suggest that these two either get therapy, or get deported.