Records To Play on Canada Day!

Since Canada Day is July 1st, I decided to pick through my blog queue and find some records to represent our Country! Yes, it was a doomed venture from the beginning because it seems that every song representing Canada seems to be sub-par (and that includes our national anthem). We just can't seem to write cool songs about our homeland which is quite evident in two of the four records I'm featuring here.

So won't you join me as we step into the home and native land of shitty patriotic songs, boring Canadian history, and airport music.


The Mennonite Children's Choir - They All Call It Canada



I'm glad this is not our national anthem. It's too long and I can't understand half the words, mainly because the children singing on here were taught to over-exaggerate their Canadian accents. Hooray for CannyDaah!

It's still a shitty song, so I'll forgive you for skipping over it.

Listen to They All Call It Canada


Sounds of Canada



Canadian history is boring as fuck, and this record helps drive that point home. Fortunately for us, this isn't just a record documenting Canadian history. It's a record of Canadian sound effects and audio clips.

Although I haven't been to our city's library in decades, the tapes, records and videos I've come across that previously belonged to the library are lame, stupid, or just flat out dumpster food. I'm not sure what the purpose of this record was. Perhaps you were supposed to buy it, mail it to someone in a different country, and they would excitedly opened the envelope to discover a totally destroyed 7" record because the postal system likes to smash the piss out of the mail before it arrives to its destination.

I've joined side one and two into a single 17 minute MP3 file. It's kinda stale, but if you want to know what Canadian atmosphere sounds like, this may help deter you from visiting us.

Listen to Sounds of Canada


T.B.A. - Summer In Canada



If you can't figure out what to name your band, just stamp it with "T.B.A." Seriously, how can Doug Riley write and compose a completely useless song, and then avoid coming up with a band name? The poor singers will never get the recognition they deserve. What a way to ruin a legacy. I'm also pretty sure I have a cassette of Doug Riley somewhere in my massive, overflowing box of bloggable cassettes, but I cannot seem to find it at this very moment.

I don't think this song was meant to be an enjoyable patriotic song. It sounds more like a radio station bumper to fill dead space while the disc jockey (who's a total slacker at his job) queued up the next record. So for all you slackers in the Canadian broadcasting field, feel free to use this song to stab summery joy into the ears of your listeners!

Listen to Summer In Canada



Flight Time - An Air Canada Introduction to Boarding Music



In the few times I've flown, I've NEVER paid attention to the fact that there's music playing while I'm getting on the plane. Nevertheless, this is a fun sampler of music that was playing in Canadian airports in 1979. You're not going to find any Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, or Deep Purple here. Satanic bands like those are NOT allowed on the airport speakers. Instead, we have a selection of (mostly) soft 70s pop music that will ensure you remain calm while airport security rapes and cavity searches you for guns, knives, cocaine, and cigarette lighters.

This is basically elevator music performed by a bunch of unknowns. Here are some of the songs I was able to pick out while listening to this record (with a few being heavily disco-fied)...

Day Tripper
Ben
Theme from a Summer Place
Music Box Dancer (the actual Frank Mills version)
Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Seasons In The Sun
The Entertainer
Nadia's Theme
I Just Can't Help Believing
Georgy Girl
Nobody Does It Better
Suicide Is Painless

Personally, I would probably be more nervous during my flight after hearing the Theme from MASH while boarding the plane. The fear-induced scars of wondering "IS THIS PLANE GOING TO GET SHOT DOWN" would pave the way for a lifetime of intense therapy.

Both sides have different music, and side two has the commentary in French.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

And that's it! I hope you have a spectacular Canada Day, regardless of what country you live in.

I Hope You Guys Don't Like The Beatles

Today, I'm reviewing some Beatles tribute albums! These things are fairly difficult to find because there are some very avid collectors of them (WHY???) They're certainly not as plentiful as the Elvis ones. Nevertheless, I've got three of them here. George, John, and Linda are all spinning in their graves. However, I think Linda is spinning for reasons other than the existence of butchered Beatles songs.


The Beatles - Theology



The Beatles were an amazing orchestra who have many instrumental hits such as "Onward, Christian Soldiers", "Corpus Christi", and "Since Jesus / Amazing Grace". At least that's what I understand from this Beatles compilation. Too bad it isn't even a compilation. I guess the Salvation Army figured they'll be able to convert the average Satan-Worshipping Beatles fan over to a Christian way of life by mixing religion with the fab four. With the exception of writing credits in the booklet, there is NOTHING on the CD that tells you this isn't The Beatles, nor does it tell you who the orchestra is. However, the internet CDDB identifies the artist as The Norridge Citadel Band, but I have no desire to check and see if that's accurate. In my opinion, a more appropriate name for these guys would be "The Porridge Shitasmell Band". They really stink!

The inlay of the CD case has a picture of Jesus singing a Beatles hymn:



Anyway, I hope you enjoy this song because I sure didn't.

Listen to "Help, I Need Somebody"



In The Style of Beatles



This is a Fantastic F 8-track. I don't need to tell you how terrible it is since I've reviewed Fantastic F's crap on here before. First of all, their British accents are Canadian accents. Second, the guy at the mastering plant turned the volume all the way up when he copied the tapes, so they're a bit distorted. Third, look at the cover. Is that supposed to be a beetle? It certainly isn't Ringo Starr. It COULD be John Lennon as drawn by Yoko Ono. Fourth, they decided to try and emulate the 1960s "Stereo Sound" and failed miserably. Old Beatles recordings generally had vocals in one channel, instruments in the other. I don't know what they did here, but the mix is similar to splitting a drinking glass with a sledgehammer. Shit's all over the place.

Even though all the songs range on various levels of terribleness, I don't think it's any surprise that Yellow Submarine is the most interesting track on here. For those of you who've been on a submarine, you'll recognize the familiar sounds of clucking chickens and some guy hocking a loogie. I think there's a turkey gobbling in the mix as well. Along with this accurate depiction of sea life, I've put up the entire album for your downloading and evaluating pleasure. Enjoy!

Listen to Yellow Submarine!

Download the entire album!

The biggest mystery surrounding this album... Why do these Canadians attempting British accents fail miserably on the French part in "Michelle"? French is a mandatory language in parts of Canada, and especially in Ontario which is where the Fantastic F 8-track plant was located!



Happy Kids - All You Need Is Kids



I have to admit that I find a lot of The Beatles' songs a bit childish. "Hello, Goodbye", "Octopus's Garden", "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da", "Revolution #9", and lots more sound like something you'd find on a Sharon, Lois & Bram album. But just because their songs are a bit childish, it doesn't mean children should sing them.

This tape is pretty bad. They tried to incorporate a storyline about some character named "Ob-La-Di" who came from a Beatles record (huh?) and teaches Beatles songs to a pack of bored children. It's unfortunate that Ob-La-Di didn't teach these children how to sing first. Most of the instrumentation was likely done on a Casio keyboard.

Half of the songs are almost tolerable, and the other half will make you cry. This isn't just bad, it's dead-fetus-covered-in-platypus-vomit bad. The creators of this album could have redeemed themselves if they used the song "Why Don't We Do It In The Road".

I would have put the entire thing up for downloading, but I honestly couldn't stand the thought of listening to this garbage twice. One song is already too much to bear.

Listen to Can't Buy Me Love

THE GUITAR SOLO IS THE BEST PART.


I hope you enjoyed my review on the Fab 4. Too bad this crap wasn't even close to "fab". On behalf of all the "artists" represented in this entry, I apologize.

Website Review: Music Nations Network

This evening, I sat down at the computer to figure out what kind of fun stuff I can pack into the next blog entry. Before I did that, I checked my email and noticed that I had a message in my Youtube inbox from Music Nations Network. One of my all-time twisted dreams is to have my own TV channel broadcasting nothing but bizarre, public access-ish goodness. Perhaps this was going to be a step in the right direction! My dreams were flashing before my eyes of being a program manager of the worst TV shows in the universe!

But I'm skeptical. I'm always so fucking skeptical when my dreams are about to come true. So I went and checked out their website. The first thing I noticed is that they mention the weather. Then I realized it wasn't intentional. I realized it was a typo. Then I realized more typos...



Now I'm usually a pretty forgiving guy. Hell, I keep giving Teo Mance chances to showcase a GOOD recording on this blog, so why not give these guys the same consideration? I decided to chat with their "knowlegable, helpful dedicated fast suppoort team" and ask them a few questions.

I got kicked out of chat while I was busy taking screenshots of the conversation, but they nicely offered a transcript for me to paste here for your enjoyment!




[6/13/2014 6:55:26 PM] Ben joined the chat

[6/13/2014 6:55:27 PM] Ben said:
I have lots of questions...

[6/13/2014 6:55:40 PM] Music Nations Network - Support joined the chat

[6/13/2014 6:55:47 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
Hi! How may I help you?

[6/13/2014 6:56:21 PM] Ben said:
Besides getting paid, what other kinds of benefits do I get by joining?

[6/13/2014 6:58:16 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
You can see the benefits here http://www.musicnationsnetwork.com/benefits

[6/13/2014 7:00:30 PM] Ben said:
My main outlet for my content is my blog, which gets a large portion of it's traffic from youtube. How will joining a network help gain exposure to my blog?

[6/13/2014 7:01:26 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
We will as much as feasible possible, promote your videos and generate revenue including revenue on top of the YouTube revenue by using (parts of) your content. When we do so, we will always mention you in the credits and/or use annotations linking to your channel aimed at building up traffic to your channel and growing your subscriber base.

[6/13/2014 7:02:22 PM] Ben said:
Can you show me an example of a network?

[6/13/2014 7:02:55 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
I don't have an example. kindly email support@musicnationsnetwork.com to request for one.

[6/13/2014 7:06:59 PM] Ben said:
So is your job to strictly copy and paste content from the website?

[6/13/2014 7:07:41 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
I'n sorry but I only have limited access

[6/13/2014 7:07:54 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
I'm sorry but I only have limited access

[6/13/2014 7:09:39 PM] Music Nations Network - Support said:
Hi! Are you there? I may need to end this chat as I don't have any response from you. Thank you.




So, here is an open letter to the Music Nations Network...

Dear MNN,

Thank you for taking an interest in my highly successful Youtube videos. However, I must decline your offer to pay me. I'm terrified that you may neglect to pay me due to errors on your website and/or contract which legally require me to show terrible ads on my videos, and legally clear you of having to pay me anything.

Your "knowlegable, helpful dedicated fast suppoort team" was not knowledgeable, helpful, nor supportive. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the "Ctrl", "C" and "V" keys on their keyboards have been worn down to the rubber pads. Please hire some unsuccessfully aborted fetuses to replace your current staff.

Yours in Christ,

Ben.

Book Review: My Name Is Nyork

It's not often I come across books that I think are worthy of review, but I found myself completely drawn into this one and couldn't put it down until I finished all 70 pages. Please join me as I highlight a few excerpts from this fascinating piece of literature, simply titled "My Name Is Nyork"




Nyork goes into intimate detail about a very close friendship. Anmol and Nyork's parents must have immigrated from the same planet, given their unusual and bizarre names. I cannot help but wonder if either Nyork or Anmol have pets, and what kind of wacky names they have. We also notice that Anmol and Nyork differ in a very unique way; one has feet while the other doesn't. Due to their interstellar names, it's no surprise that these two possess very special powers in order to maintain balance without feet.




Ah-ha! We now have proof that Nyork is from a different planet! The interpretation that I gather from this page is that Nyrok landed on Earth on October 31st. He was also very fucking tall when he arrived. This may explain the lack of feet, since he obviously had to have his legs partially amputated in order to fit in with the rest of us earthlings. Regardless, we are thankful that Nyork has joined us on our humble planet, and has written this magnificent book to tell his tale.




It seems that Nyork has developed an exclusive taste for pork during his time on Earth, and apparently receives it as a live gift; perhaps many times a year from his mom.




If Nyork is going to have friends on Earth, he must also have enemies. In this case, it's two people named Mario and Mariw. Take it from Nyork, these guys are fucking assholes and you should NEVER interact with them!




While on Earth, Nyork has developed a fascination for urine. Unfortunately, it's quite unclear what aspect of urine Nyork seems to enjoy. Perhaps "paprony" is a special way to prepare urine for consumption. It's also possible that "paprony" is an extra-terrestrial method of urination. These kinds of urethral possibilities make us lowly humans ponder how wasteful we are with our urine.




This is some real in-depth shit here. What is chacter? Who are Spogbob? Judging from the picture, it's a crazed race of beings who live in caves and speak a highly sophisticated language. Although Nyork seems to be fond of them, I certainly hope I never run into the Spogbob!




I'm guessing that Nyork's family is very poor, because this "Tos" building is quite cheap. I have no clue what is contained inside the Tos building or what it's purpose is, but it seems that Nyork is displeased with whomever owns the building and has taken it upon himself to stick his tongue out at them.




Personally, I've never heard of a "badbp", but according to the picture it seems to be some sort of penile extension that can flex and shoot. I'll give Nyork credit, he knows a good toy when he sees it! Perhaps someday I will invest in my very own badbp and shoot semen all over my city.




You're own your own with this one. It's too deep for my feeble brain to interpret.


In the few pages I've posted here, we can see that "My Name is Nyork" is a very deep and magnificent book. I hope that we eventually see more releases by this mastermind! I was very fortunate to receive a free bookmark with my copy.



Thanks for sharing this wonderful book with me, and we shall meet again soon!

Top Chart Hits and House of Random

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy with health issues, spring cleaning, building a new computer because my old one crapped out, and trying to get the artwork done for the album I recorded. I swear it's going to be released this year, but I didn't anticipate how much it sucks to do album artwork. I could take a lesson from some of the artists that I review here and just use a photocopied picture of myself and put NOTHING in the inlay card, but if people are gonna pay for my album, then I want to give them some pretty pictures to look at and maybe some crap to read on the inside. I'm attempting to do a nice job on it, and then it won't qualify for me to make fun of on this blog.

Before I get to the albums, I feel the need to write a review on an ebay user named snowbunnielisa. For my birthday, I decided to buy myself something from this user. They didn't ship the item even though it had been marked as shipped, I complained, they "re-shipped" it, it showed up well over a month past my birthday, and the item arrived broken. I sadly did not get a refund.

So, I decided to write a poem for my dear friend snowbunnielisa...


The item arrived at my house today,
Too bad it didn't work.
You're a filthy scammer on ebay
And you're a fucking jerk.
May cancer invade your breasts my dear,
And I hope they get cut off too.
May your husband fuck a busty cashier
Much hotter and younger than you.
And when you're getting on in years,
You'll fall down many a-stair.
You'll live out life crying many tears
And suffer in a wheelchair.

GOD HATES YOU.

And now, onto a selection of crummy tribute albums that all of you have been missing from your lives...


Top Chart Hits of Today Vol. 2



I reviewed Vol.3 here.

Allshire actually seems to do a half decent job of these covers. They even say right on the cover that these are a bunch of hacks trying to sound like the originals (although they do a nicer job of saying it than me.) I actually enjoyed their cover of the Shocking Blue song "Venus". I figured I was going to have trouble picking a song from this one. BJ Thomas's "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" was pretty faithful.... until the end. The trumpet player and the guitar player take all the faithfulness of the cover, and drunkenly mess it all up. The trumpet player can't keep the beat and the guitar player... well, who knows what the fuck he's doing. Probably trying to get raindrops to come out of his head by rubbing his guitar against his crotch during the recording session.

Enjoy Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head


Top Chart Hits of Today Vol.4



Yes! I found volume 4! I have no clue if there's a volume 5. Unfortunately, I'm a completist, and my soul is forever going to be tortured until I find the first one. By the way, these seem to be manufactured by some subdivision of the Arc label, and we know how many crappy albums I've reviewed from Arc.

Let's see what we have here.... The cover of "Instant Karma" is pretty underwhelming. It sounds like half the band said "Fuck this shit, let's be roadies for The Bay City Rollers" and left the remaining three guys to record it by themselves. "Spirit in the Sky" slogs along as if each person in the band drank a bottle of extra-drowsy cough syrup. The Kenny Rogers & First Edition song "Something's Burning" was actually done quite well.

Now, one of my all-time favorite bands is The Hollies. There's very few Hollies songs that I hate, and they recorded a LOT of stuff over three decades. So when some dickwad in a gay-closet recording studio decides to ruin a Hollies song, I get a little bit upset. Dude, you sound NOTHING like Allan Clarke. You sound like a transsexual who is overdosing on testosterone pills trying to man up your voice, but instead have grown testicles in your throat. The positive side to all this is you have to put in very little effort when you try to suck yourself off.

Listen to He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother


The House of Random - 15 Big Hits Vol.6



I've seen lots of albums by "The House of Random" and I have a bunch sitting in my "In Queue" box. The back of this one has something that every other cheap imitation album is lacking.... CREDITS! How exciting! All the musicians are listed, although we have no clue which ones played on what songs. Another thing I didn't know is The House of Random came right out of Winnipeg, and recorded at Century 21 Studios.

So, because these guys are from the same city as Me and Burton Cummings, it means that these covers are awesome, right? Hehe, nope! Even though this album is produced quite well as compared to a lot of others, it's still showcasing some lousy talent.

First of all, let's talk about the cover. It was done by Brigden's of Winnipeg Ltd. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??? I tried to Google that shit, but the best I can gather is it's an art group from the University of Manitoba or something. So judging by the artwork on this cover, you'll be able to use your art degree to get a job making lame-ass album covers for a crappy cover band nobody cares about. Mom and Dad will be so proud of you!

There's lots of great songs here to pick on, but I chose The Rolling Stones song "Angie". The vocalist is Ray St. Germain or Tony Francis or Bob Deutscher or Daryl Gutheil or Don Gutheil. Whoever he is, he did a great job at sounding like a Downs Syndrome version of Mick Jagger. The guitar player Ron Halldorson or Bob Deutscher doesn't play the beginning very well, so the song starts off on a bad note.

So now, I'm gonna shut up and let you listen to The House of Random Winnipeg Musicians!

Listen to Angie


The House of Random - 15 Big Hits Vol.3




Yup, I have another one. I probably have another ten, but I don't feel like digging through my entire box of crap to find more, and I don't want this blog entry to be too long. Are these the same musicians? Who knows. There's no credits on the 8-track, and the "House of Random Sings The Best of Anne Murray" record I have doesn't have any credits on the back either.

The cover of Ocean's "Put Your Hand In The Hand" is damn near identical to the original. With the exception of some sloppy playing, their version of ELP's "Lucky Man" isn't bad either, and that includes the annoying futuristic-sounding keyboard at the end (although this one is a bit more obnoxious.)

There are two losers here... The vocalist on Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" sounds like Trey Parker, creator of South Park. The other song is Neil Diamond's "I Am I Said" which I'm featuring here. The guy sounds nothing like Neil.

Listen to I Am I Said


Well, the old clock on the wall says that you shouldn't buy anything from snowbunnielisa. Thank God for clocks. I should have listened to it the first time when the clock said "Get a refund because they haven't fucking shipped it. Anyway, enough bitching for now, and it's time to get some more blog entries up now that my computer is pumping and fisting at 100%. Be back soon!