A Batch of Horrible Album Covers

I picked up all of the following tapes in one swoop at the Thrift Store some time ago but I've neglected writing about them. All of these tapes seem to come from the same shithole in Saskatchewan. They all contain country music, but it's not really the music I'm interested in this time around. The album covers are ultimately what made me buy them. I seriously can't believe how much money I wasted on this garbage, but I hope you guys (and girls) get a laugh out of these "precious gems". I will be judging all of these albums by their covers, just to make it more fun.

Arnie and Friends - He Does Have A Few

Arnie Strynadka figured he'd try to sell his album by putting a shitty joke in the album title instead of focusing on the cover art. Thus, this entire album is a shitty joke lacking in creativity.


Arnie - For My Friends New & Old / Plunging In Again

Here, Arnie shows his talent by playing all his songs with a toilet plunger. Your stereo system will plunge this piece of shit out of your speakers and stink up your room, with watery music filled with floaty paper bits and mashed brown crumbs. WARNING: You may need an instrument such as the one Arnie's holding should you decide to flush this cassette down the porcelain drain. NOT SEPTIC TANK FRIENDLY.

Arnie was torn between two album titles, so he put one on the inlay, and one on the cassette label. This resulted in a mixture of corn and lettuce in this shit-clog of an album.


Louise

Louise is the product of a sexual encounter between a human, a barnyard animal, and John Stamos's former hairstylist. Louise performs country classics in full mullet style and makes you wish that the 1980s weren't so damn cheesy.


And now, I present you with the entire Buzz Trottier discography!!!


Buzz Trottier - Grassland Gospel

On this album, Buzz rides a horse out into a grassy field where he sacrifices the animal to God. God is obviously pleased with the sacrifice, and rewards Buzz with a contract to record two more crummy albums.


Buzz Trottier - Singing From The Heart

Buzz used this lovely family portrait for the cover to warn you that all three of them sing on here. You can tell that Buzz is all-business when it comes to music, judging from the pen and his glasses tucked away in his front shirt pocket. And his grandson can't fucking sing either (click here to listen to Tennessee Flat Top Box)


Buzz Trottier - Here In the Real World

On this album, Buzz takes his grandson out to a grassy field where he sacrifices the boy to God. God is obviously pleased with the sacrifice of Buzz's only begotten son, and rewards Buzz with a deal to record one more crummy album.


Buzz Trottier Remembers / Grassland Memories of Buzz Trottier

On this album, Buzz sings about his struggles with amnesia. As we can see on the album cover, Buzz fell off his horse, bumped his head on the barn, and forgot what the original title was for this album. Buzz ultimately redeems himself, claiming he remembers, and gives the album two different titles. We are all pleased that Buzz made a full recovery, and is no longer recording albums since he forgot how to play the guitar.

And there you have it. Seven lousy album covers packed into a single blog entry. I would post more album clips, but these albums really aren't all that interesting. They're pretty much all covers of old country & western songs, although I must say that the Arnie albums are actually somewhat tolerable since nobody sings on them. Too bad he didn't really play the plunger, as that would've been worth the money I spent on these stupid tapes.

Album: Save The Jets Fundraiser

Back in 1995, my city (Winnipeg) lost their hockey team. As a Canadian, I'm supposed to love hockey, but I fucking hate it. I cared less that we lost our hockey team which practically never won a hockey game EVER. The team was in danger of being sold to Minneapolis and a huge-ass fundraiser was organized to try and raise the money to buy the crappy hockey team and keep them in Winnipeg. I picked this awesome quote from another website: (source here)

The task at hand became to raise $110 million to cover the purchase of the Jets and future losses that the team would incur.

So the fundraiser was to keep a shitty hockey team, and pay for them to lose more games. What a great idea! In my disgust with the media blitz, the fundraiser, and the massive support campaign, I created the greatest compilation album of Winnipeg talent that I could scrounge up and called it the "Save The Jets Fundraiser". The original subtext on the album cover said "Five cents from every donation will be used to help save the Jets."

Recently, there have been a lot of rumors on the radio and the internet that the hockey team is going back up for sale again (probably because they still suck) and the possibility could come up for Winnipeg to re-aquire our beloved (and shitty) hockey team! With this new-found fire for saving the Winnipeg Jets, I've decided to re-release my Save The Jets Fundraiser album with a slightly re-done cover and include some bonus tracks! You've probably already heard a few of these songs featured on this blog already, but now you can get them all (plus more) in one great album! I'll bet you didn't know there was so much more to that public access hurdy gurdy video, did ya?

Track Listing:

01 - Johnny Sizzle - Theme From Johnny Sizzle
02 - Joey Gregorash - I Just Want To Play Hockey
03 - Henrietta & Merna - Go Tell It On The Mountain
04 - Lady With A Puppet - Search My Heart
05 - I'm A Ukrainian Man - Dedication
06 - Duckshot Hunter - If You Were Here
07 - Mental Note - Watcha Gonna Do
08 - The Cosmopolitans - A World Without Love
09 - Box Lunch - The New Song
10 - The Garage People - Lorraine
11 - Canned Peaches - Say Goodbye
12 - Johnny Sizzle - If Satan Was My Lover (bonus track)
13 - Joey Gregorash - Ice Maker (bonus track)
14 - Duckshot Hunter - The Way It Goes (bonus track)
15 - Box Lunch - Eggnog (bonus track)
16 - Sila & The Smoke Frees - Changing Ways (bonus track)
17 - Canned Peaches - Before You Go (bonus track)

You can download the Save The Jets Fundraiser HERE!!!

As a side note, there was an official Jets benefit album released in 1996 (which I own) called "Hockey Rock Winnipeg Style" where famous Winnipeg musicians wrote new lyrics to their classic hits and re-recorded them. The funny thing is there is one common song between the official version and mine (I Just Want To Play Hockey by Joey Gregorash - different version though). The proceeds from the album went to "Winnipeg Jets Goals For Kids", whatever the hell that was. Take my word for it, the official album is WORSE than the one I put together.

So in conclusion, if you feel the urge to donate to the "Save The Jets" campaign, I'm not opposed to receiving these donations. I promise I'll put them toward a project just as shitty as saving a crappy hockey team (like buying more stupid junk at thrift stores to entertain those of you who read this blog.) Go Jets Go!

Board Game: Yellowknife-opoly

No, I'm not kidding. THIS IS REAL. Yellowknife-fucking-opoly. For those of you who have no clue what a Yellowknife is, it's a crappy little city in the Northwest Territories that nobody wants to visit. It's cold, and judging from the elements of the game, there's piss-all to do up there.

The board game is obviously derived from Monopoly, but is made up entirely of advertisements from businesses in Yellowknife. Well, maybe except for Beaver Lumber since they no longer exist. For the curious, it seems that this game came out in 1997 to commemorate 50 years of the city's existence. Hooray for longevity!



Yup, there's the board. It seems that McDonald's briefly had the slogan "Great food, Free parking". Makes me wanna eat there since I'm sick of paying for parking at Burger King!



The houses in the game are standard green, but the hotels are an oddball blue. Oh wait, I'm sorry... Those aren't houses and hotels, they're retail outlets and office towers. Nobody really lives in Yellowknife, it's just a big business park. At least that's the impression I get from the game.

Even the cards are laden with advertisement. Check out these winners:



I apparently have a husband because I'm apparently gay. Fuck you, Good Old Ray!



We also apparently don't have a health care system in Canada, so we pay doctor's bills. I suppose my doctor forgets to bill me each time.



Aerial tours are apparently the 'thing to do' in Yellowknife. Yay fun.



Yeah, I always buy my makeup at Sutherland Drugs. That's what married gay men do, right?



Apparently, the streets are full of nails (thanks to Beaver Lumber blowing up)



Your brother probably comes from my city... Winnipeg.

The rest of the game is pretty much a Monopoly clone - the deeds, the Railroads (in this case, Airlines) and the play money (Chamber Bucks) are all pretty generic replacements for their Monopoly counterparts. The playing pieces are generic and super lame, so I found some interesting ones to use instead...



I found a bit of the story behind this board game from here. Those crazy Yellowknivers! So proud of their city! We also need more Monopoly games based on Canadian towns and/or cities with unique names. Two that come to mind are Flin-Flon-opoly and Dildo-opoly. Tell me those aren't winners!

But seriously, I can't wait to have a group of friends over for a cut-throat game of Yellowknife-opoly. May the player with the most blue office towers win!

Found: Heavily Modified Commodore 128D

It seems that I've been quite lucky with finding old Commodore computer stuff over the past little while. Today I picked up some Vic-20 stuff from a friend on Facebook. But a couple weeks ago, I found something quite special, unique, and incredibly cool behind the big bad recycling depot...



For those of you who know what Commodore computers look like, you'll see that this does NOT look like a Commodore computer. But it truly is. It's a Commodore 128D. This is what it's SUPPOSED to look like:



Somebody took this machine and put it into a PC-style case. But that's not all they did. They also jammed in a 1571 floppy drive, a 1581 floppy drive, a Modem, a home-made internal cartridge bay which includes a Fast Load cartridge, The REU expansion, and the Super 81 utilities. The Jiffy DOS upgrade has also been added, and it seems the ROM has been customized since the guy's name, address, and phone number are displayed whenever the computer is turned on in 128 mode. (I edited out the sensitive information)



To change between different modes and settings, there is a flip-down door on the front panel which exposes a bunch of custom knobs and switches to tweak the 128 to your personal needs!



Even the original LEDs on the front panel of the case have been wired up!



All the ports on the machine (except the tape drive connection) have been mounted on the left side of the case. Also included is an electrical outlet where you can easily plug in your monitor and printer!



I believe that the main power supply in it is NOT a Commodore supply, but something that was hacked together.



Here are the reset button and power switches for the Computer and Floppy Drives. I'm guessing the square hole is where the modem connector was originally supposed to go.



And now, here's some pictures of what the inside looks like. The actual C-128 mother board is sadly buried right at the bottom of everything.











And here's me, enjoying this fantastically modified Commodore 128D by watching the Britney Spears slideshow! (WARNING: Link NSFW)

Album: Let The Good Times Rock

Before I start this blog entry, I need to send out a huge apology to Arc Sound LTD. A while back, I wrote a little review on the album "Top Chart Hits of Today Vol. 3." I was WAY too tough on that album. If you haven't read and listened to it, you can do so here.

I'm sorry Arc. I won't doubt your deliverance of quality 'cheap imitations' again.

Now, let me present you with the cream of the crap...



Exclusive Records managed to pack three whole records of the shittiest renditions of your favorite songs. I'm not fucking kidding, these are AWFUL. I've never heard of anybody using a symphony of trash to record an album before, let alone putting trash into the hands of "musicians" who have a piss-poor sense of rhythm.

The greatest moment on this album is listening to the off-center label in the middle of the record pasted over the ending lock-groove, resulting in a repeating on-off PSSSSSSHHHHHH sound through my speakers. Actually, it sounds a whole lot better than the "music" on the non-blank grooves. Fortunately, Exclusive Records didn't put a disclaimer on their album dismissing themselves of stylus damage, so make way for a lawsuit!



Now for those of you who like torture (or at the very least a good laugh), here's some of the tracks on the album. Click on the titles to listen.

Lean On Me

Here's Bill Wither's biggest hit sung by a white dude with no rhythm. I love how he goes off-beat every now and then throughout the song, just to make sure that anyone singing along with the album feels like a retard for screwing it up.


My Sweet Lord

George Harrison would spins himself 6 inches deeper everytime someone plays this recording if he hadn't been cremated and dumped into a river. Imagine if he hadn't been cremated... He would eventually make his way to the earth's core and cause molten lava to come up through his grave, killing everyone buried with him in the cemetary.

The drummer seems quite happy to start off the recording with the rest of the band, and he adds fancy little fills throughout the entire song. The lead guitar player almost seems robotic, making each note sound as boring as possible. The "orchestra" comes in to make it sound as if we were attending the funeral of our sweet Lord. The ending is badly improvised since none of the band can seem to remember how it ends.


Let It Be

Unlike the Arc version which sounds almost identical to the Beatles' recording, this one does not. The "orchestra" and the dude on the guitar are trying to drown out the singer. Why there is guitar throughout the entire recording is anyone's guess, but I love the wrong notes he keeps hitting in the middle of the song.


Scarborough Fair

Kudos to the guy playing the empty soup cans in the left channel! He never seems to get the hang of the song, likely due to the rest of the band trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. If they added in some crying children, Scarborough Fair would sound like the unhappiest place on earth.


Bridge Over Troubled Water

This batch of musicians must really hate Simon & Garfunkel since there's three of the duo's songs covered on this album. What can I say? It's atrocious. If it weren't for the singer, I'd have no clue what the hell these guys were trying to play. The bass player and the piano player seem to be off doing their own thing (and off-beat nevertheless), some guy shows up in the middle of the song banging on a dumpster, and the singer buggers up the lyrics at the end. To sum it up, it's a trainwreck that someone barfed on. It's also replacing the Arc version in my blog's jukebox.


Yup, this one was bad. Really bad. I pity the guy who bought it because he likely paid more than two bucks for it.