Christmas is Ruined... Again.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And my balls are made of Jello! Welcome to this year's Christmas massacre, and you're gonna hate every minute of it...

Christmas With Kawai



It's time to pull out your organ and slap it with your jingle balls! Nothing says Christmas like Granny sitting at the organ while everyone else drinks to make the sound more enjoyable. This album came from Kawai Canada Music, and we couldn't be any more pleased that they decided not to sing on it. It's honestly not that bad though.

Listen to Sleighride
Download the whole album.

Canadian Christmas

Jingle Bells, boogie oogie bells, disco all the way! I shit you not, those are the lyrics in the Gloria Medley.

The fine print at the bottom says, "60 singers and musicians". In other words, 60 people either got paid very little or didn't get paid anything for performing on this under-selling piece of shit. According to the cover, this thing was advertised! Where and how is anybody's guess. Throwing unsold copies at people's heads in K-mart counts as advertising.

But guess what? I already covered this piece of shit! Click here to see the original entry!

The album was re-named "Disco Christmas Party" and had new artwork made for it. If you look at the copy I previously reviewed, you can see the original cover bleeding through the one they plastered over top. So, feel free to enjoy this one again. Well, maybe not again since I didn't post the whole thing last time, but I will this time!

Listen to When The Year is Over (original song, kinda)(nine fucking minutes long!)

Download this atrocious disco party

Ruben Latour - Christmas Favorites

I don't like this guy! He makes me want to hate Christmas! He sounds like a cheap imitation opera guy that needs to be beaten over the head with Burl Ives' beard and buried in an igloo. Ruben put his address on the back of the album, so I'm gonna go dig up Burl Ives and have him FedEx'ed over there.

My laptop doesn't like tracks 6-14, and I can't say I blame it. I wouldn't be playing this piece of shit either if I were a computer. So because of that (and because I'm lazy), you're only getting the first track. If you would like me to set up a Gmail account to personally thank my laptop, I can do that.

Listen to Winter Wonderland

Christmas Carols Choir Practice

Christmas is a very happy time. Everyone's opening their gifts, people are drinking eggnog and rum, and then some asshole downloads this "album" off my blog and ruins all the magic for the entire evening.

This is a bunch of children (whether or not they're special needs children is anybody's guess), rehearsing for a Christmas concert, and when I say "rehearsing", I really mean "learn as many lyrics as you can and don't worry about hitting every note because things like that aren't important". Transferring this album into a digital format is my punishment for torturing my readers for over a decade. There are two different choir practices on each side, enabling me to burn in hell for exactly one hour. I'd rather have a lump of coal forced up my ass.

These children can't sing, they shouldn't sing, and they should never sing again for as long as they live. The whole tape is awful, but it can be yours to liven up your Christmas dinner with the lovely download links I've provided...

Listen to Hark The Harold Angels Thing

Download Side A

Download Side B

That's it for this year's Christmas entries! I shall be pulling something interesting out for your New Years celebration since I'm going to be stuck at Folio Cafe for another week during the holidays. Might as well make it interesting!

Kris's Khristmas Karol CDs

The remainder of the Junq Tour entries have been put on hold until the new year because CHRISMAS IS FUCKING HERE! We need to bring joy into your hearts so you can shit it out of your ass. But we'll leave the shit for the next entry because this one is actually kinda neat.

When I came across these CDs at the thrift store, I really had no clue what to think of them. Are they Christmas mix CDs? Collections of pictures? Videos? I honestly had no clue, but they were interesting nonetheless, so I bought them.

Two of these are 2-CD collections, and one is a 3-CD collection. They are plastered with pictures of people I don't know. The text on the inside is quite interesting.

After going through these, I realized that they're just mix CDs of mainly rock music newer than 1995. I didn't bother to listen to them because there really isn't anything unique on them.

However, I'm letting you see the packaging of each CD. A LOT of work went into these, and according to the liner notes, these were made in batches. Neat stuff! I wonder how many ended up in the thrift stores?

2009 Christmas Carols - The Study of Johnanallology

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Rock On

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Unbreakable

Gotta love the uniqueness of these!

But now the fun is over. Stay tuned for your ruined Christmas...

Junq Tour 2018: Austin

I had never visited the thrift store in Austin, and they were obviously waiting for my arrival to rescue them from the shitty music that's likely been rotting there for years. Prepare yourself...


The Musical Warriors - Movin' On



These guys look like they're ready to go all gangsta on your shit! They've got ties, and they're not afraid to .... look presentable.  One has a mullet, and he's not afraid to... listen to Amy Grant. And their music sounds exactly the way they look... Boring and untalented, with a lack of production values. It's almost like barber shop, but they shaved a little off the top of their talent. Lyrically, it's corny Christian music.

Listen to Musical Warriors


Smash Hits Cash Style



I can picture Mr. Bored Johnny Cash impersonator sitting in a chair in the studio, head perched upon his fist, microphone positioned in front of him, uninterestingly reading the lyrics off the sheet in front of him.

The performances on this Johnny Cash tribute album are uninspired, but what the fuck did you expect from the Arc record label? People who love their job? People who get paid for their performances? People with talent? I think not.

Remember how much feeling Johnny Cash poured into I Walk The Line? Well, replace that feeling with a desire to go horseback riding. And Folsom Prison Blues? It's happy as Pharrell Williams after three caps of ecstasy.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Download the whole piece of shit



Hank James Chevillard - The Truth



At first, it sounds okay and then it hits you... Holy shit this guy is a lousy singer. This is one of those albums who's songs are each terrible in their own unique way. The writing is bad, the mix is bad, the playing is bad, and the singer is bad. Each song comes across as a crippled country song that's ready to lose it's balance and fall on it's face.

What on earth possessed this guy to record this thing? I could think of better uses for the recording tape that was used to make this, like flossing shit from my ass crack.

Thanks for the headache, Hanky. Keep running free as a pony, away from the recording studio.

Listen to Goodbye
Listen to Run Free

Only three albums, but they're all equally shitty. Our next stop is Neepawa, and if you've been reading this blog for a few years, you'll know that the pile from Neepawa is going to be huge.

Junq Tour 2018: Somerset

The Somerset thrift store was pretty bare when it came to interesting albums that I wanted to hate. I had a couple other qualifiers, but they turned out to be plain mediocre, so I threw them in the trash. Here's what we have left...

Country Pride Band



You'll never run out of twonky goodness when you get an album like this! It's exactly what it says on the cover, nothing more. The guy on the accordian obviously takes his job far too seriously. If Weird Al took his job seriously, he'd be an unemployed (and dead) vegetarian.

The production is very nice and the performances for the most part are very average.

Listen to Your Cheatin' Heart


Heiner's Country Classics II - Memories of an old Cowboy



Old men make the best terrible albums! Perhaps they lose their talent when their pecker refuses to stand up straight anymore. They have nothing to be proud of, so they try and make an album to redeem themselves and get groupies. Trust me, this piece of shit isn't going to attract any groupies...

I can't exactly pick out this guy's accent. Perhaps he's from Jupiter or maybe he's just really drunk. The songs here are pretty lousy, and he should consider smoking banana peels before he decides to venture in to the reggae genre ever again.

As for the album cover, it appears the band's official name is "Heiner's Country Classics II". I can only guess that they put a "II" in their name because there was another band called "Heiner's Country Classics".

Listen to Citygirl
Listen to Everybody Got Something


Well that was short! Trust me, there are more meatier entries coming your way, but first we need to take a visit to Austin.

Junq Tour 2018: Plum Coulee

Long time no see! Well, if you follow the blog on Facebook, you've probably already seen the Junq Tour video. If not, then you're missing out. That one took time to edit, and my summer's been busier than I'd want it to be, so that's why I've been absent. Also, the shit continues to pop up in my life. The easiest way to get more entries posted is to quit my job and just steal the things I want to write about, but that's probably a bad idea.

Anyway, I'm back with the deep-rooted cavity search of all the crappy albums I acquired during this year's Junq Tour. I'm quite sure there was more this year than last year, and it's taken quite a bit of time to get everything digitized and uploaded. speaking of which, I've started doing portable blogging at the Folio Cafe in Winnipeg! Lots of room, snacks, and plenty of outlets to plug in my laptop & 8-track player.



Anyway, let's get to our first stop in Plum Coulee...


Sharon & Rob Wedding CD



There's nothing quite like the joy and happiness of re-living someone else's wedding day with their home-made compilation CD. How the hell does things like this get donated to the thrift store????

...oh yeah... Divorce. That's what happens when you get married on Friday the 13th.


Encyclopaedia Britannica - Like You, Like Me



This is a collection of filmstrips and cassettes that were used in elementary schools in the 1970s and 1980s. All the cassettes were sealed which means none of this stuff saw the light of day. The one that I chose to put up on youtube had a cassette that sounded like it was badly eaten at one end, so I don't know what happened there. Maybe someone at Encyclopaedia Britannica felt the need to chew on some ferric oxide.



Speaking of Encyclopaedia Britannica, do they even exist anymore? Wikipedia and Google must have put them out of business by now, haven't they?

Anyway, scanning this filmstrip was a real nightmare. If the scanning light is hitting the film at the wrong angle, it looks like shit. On the plus side, I ended up buying four filmstrip machines for dirt cheap off Ebay to make future endeavors in filmstrip-land a little easier on my end. Anyway, if you haven't seen the Junq Tour video, I glued this filmstrip into it. I didn't feel that it warranted it's own video, but perhaps I'll put the others up in the future.


Ron & Kay Rivoli - Rivolivin': The Rivoli Revue



Hey everybody! Let's take our guitar into the boat and sing songs that will scare the fish away! I thought for sure this one was going to be a huge steaming pile of rural Canada cow shit. Surprisingly, it's not all that bad. It's country music, but it's performed, mixed, and produced really well. The cover and the name is bloody stupid though.

Listen to I'd Be Someone Too


Gospel Echoes Harvest Team - You're The Apple of His Eye



Look at the fuzzy hair on the dad. You could wash ALL the walls in the church with that! All I gotta say is I love Gospel Echoes' thrift stores, but I hate this album. Terrible gospel music that I could care less about.

Listen to Tell Me


Pierce Arrow Theater - Sold Out



I swear that Branson Missouri is the shit music capital of the USA. These are some country guys who apparently put on some kind of a live show, and this is the soundtrack. The band is comparable to a corn-chunkie-speckled turd, but how could you expecting anything different? This is Branson's hottest steaming pile! And why the hell is every member wearing a racing jacket? They should stick to racing cars instead of performing this garbage.

Anyway, their Elvis medley is awful. Awful, awful, awful. There's some guy with a low voice on here who sings so low that I'm pretty sure he's just farting out the words. I'm surprised Elvis hasn't come out of hiding to put an end to all of the shitty cover versions of his songs.

Listen to Elvis Medley


Matt & Robyn Rolf



I can't tell if these two kids autographed the album or someone just scribbled some random shit on the cover. Anyway, this one include the hits such as "I'm Little But I'm Loud", "Waterloo", "Hey Good Lookin'", and lots of other songs that I don't care exist.

The boy is fucking awful. He's trying to sound like John Wayne or some shit, and he doesn't hit the notes very well. The girl is a much better singer, but for the most part she's been delegated to backup vocals. I'm only guessing that the boy wanted to record this piece of crap and the parents threw the girl in there because she threw a hissy fit, but she would have been a better lead on this recording.

Listen to Hey Good Lookin'
Download the entire album!

Plum Coulee has a pretty damn good thrift store if I do say so myself! Somerset will be coming your way, hopefully tomorrow (unless I'm lying).