Merry Christmas! Okay, so it's not Christmas yet, but I haven't written a proper blog entry in a while. So to make up for my absence, here's some stocking stuffers that you should really be stuffing somewhere else. They're all really terrible, and they're really long. If you want to ruin the festive season at your house, buy these albums.
Noogies - The Chipmunk Song
If there's something I've learned over the last few years of blogging, it's that ANYTHING can be turned into a disco song. The problem with this reality is NOTHING should be turned into a disco song.
The Chipmunks were pretty much all about Rock n' Roll ever since they put out their Beatles tribute album (which I own, along with many other albums by The Chipmunks.) However, they were most remembered for their Christmas song. In the late 1970s, a bunch of assholes known as The Noogies decided that this song needed to be discofied, and extended for over seven fucking minutes. It's dreadful and stupid.
Listen to The Chipmunk Song
Disco Christmas Party
The fine print on this 8-track says "Previously released under "Canadian Christmas" which explains why there are two labels on this 8-track, with the current one being plastered over an old one. Why? They probably discovered another shitty album called "Canadian Christmas" which most likely includes Anne Murray singing that stupid Snowbird song on it.
Christmas Disco Party is another terrible piece of trash that capitalized on the disco craze which took place from 1977 all the way until 1979. I was born in the middle of this shit which is why I own (and enjoy) a copy of Chic's Risque album. It was purchased brand new out of an 8-track cut-out bin (I chose it, dad paid for it) and I still own it to this day. While I'm completely off track with my ramblings, why don't I tell you about how much I love my satellite dish. I really love it. There's so much shitty programming to be had, and it comes from all over the world for free! I'm in television heaven. Over 200 channels with bottom-of-the-barrel garbage on them.
Speaking of bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, this disco 8-track barely has any information about the artists listed on it. All we know is they're Canadian. Maybe that's all we NEED to know. The music speaks for itself.
I've brought you the discofied version of White Christmas. What is it with people singing the lyrics off beat? Why? It doesn't make the song better, it just makes you sound like you're retarded and you missed your cue. Bing Crosby is doing the boogie in his grave. Dig that swingin' disco sound! Far out, man. Once again, it's too fucking long.
Listen to White Christmas
Dobby Dobson - Sweet Christmas
Now, we move from disco to reggae. Honestly, I have trouble telling the difference between the two genres because these three shitty albums came out in the same narrow time frame. This album should be called "Shit Christmas".
Look at the cover. Why are there apples on a pine tree? What kind of decoration is that? The lady in the picture isn't even looking at Dobby. She's too busy trying to not be embarrassed by the poorly decorated tree. "Here honey, take this gift and forget about the tree. It's a collection of my shitty reggae music on 8-track. You'll love it!"
About the album... Well, it's just as bad as the others. Again, it seems to be the cool trend to sing out of time with the music. Dobby does it for the entire song which is again way too fucking long. A Christmas song is best left short, like a painful little fart which one can recover from in a couple of minutes. Instead of farting, all three of these musicians who contributed to this blog entry has shit their pants, let it run down their leg, and has allowed it to leave a trail all over the dance floor. And you the listeners get to step in it, slip in it, fall, and let the stench of shitty Christmas music surround your life for, what, twenty minutes?
While we're making the habit of wandering off topic, last night my girlfriend was shopping for a new winter jacket. I was in charge of protecting her old jacket while she tried some new ones on. They were playing Michael Bubble's crappy Christmas album. I had nothing better to do, so I held one arm of my girlfriend's jacket, and waltzed around the store to the shittiest Christmas music of the new millenium. Well, at least I had fun.
So to wrap up the music and this poorly written blog entry, here's Dobby Dobson and Ringo (not Starr) singing off beat for six whole minutes.
Listen to Mary's Boy Child
And that's it! I actually had another Christmas disco album, but it's in French and not quite as interesting as these others. And now, I need to get back to dealing with the trash that's been polluting my life over the past couple months. See you on the other side of the dump!