Sunday, September 12, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Austin

Austin's finds weren't the total shits this round, but don't get me wrong... These people aren't going to be famous musicians any time soon! Let's see what we have...

We Three

Look! It's our first album with Joan McKay for this year! This woman has been on more recordings than the guys from Toto. Hell, I would even say that Joan belongs in the band Toto because she really is a damn good piano player. I don't know who the other two tag-alongs are, but they play well enough to make this cassette the most listenable in this batch of albums. All of the instruments are in tune with each other, including the clarinet. I usually find that woodwind instruments played by old people are usually flat as hell, but Stuart is perfectly capable of making the instrument work.

I pulled the Elvis song for your enjoyment. You can even hear Stuart clear his throat at the beginning so he can shove his clarinet down it.

Listen to Fool Such As I

Tiger Hills Group

Polka and waltz bands are a pretty common appearance here, but usually we get some shit played on a Casio with a band that are so deaf that they can't hear the synthesized drummer. This polka and waltz group can actually play together successfully. I don't really have much to say about them except for the pieces of kleenex hanging from their necks that are supposed to look like ties or scarfs or something. Perhaps they all have runny noses.

Listen to Wild Side of Life

Barrage - Vagabond Tales

Look at that cover. It's signed by every single person in Manitoba!

Barrage apparently puts on a live musical show, and according to the reviews around the internet, they do it very well. This is an album of songs from their performance called "Vagabond Tales". Their music is a mix of old folk crap with rock n' roll which is okay I guess, but not really my cup of tea. This album is performed and mixed very well. Surprisingly, they cover a Supertramp song which is a nice change from hearing "The Rose" or "Blue Eyes Crying in the Motherfucking Rain".

If you think that "Barrage" is a good name for a laxative that you just invented, I've got good news for you. You can purchase Barrage's domain because it's up for sale! An investment opportunity of a lifetime!

Listen to Take The Long Way Home

Rachel Quelch - Basement Melodies & The Faulty Piano

I absolutely love finding tapes or CDs where the artist has made a custom cover. Rachel came up with a lengthy but intriguing title for this six track CD she apparently recorded in someone's basement (perhaps her own). Rachel can sing well enough, but I find her songs a bit on the boring side.

The cover of the song "Crazy" is surprisingly not the Patsy Cline song, but is instead the song by Gnarls Barkely which features CeeLo Green on vocals. I actually like CeeLo Green, but I find this cover quite lackluster just like everything else on this CD with the exception of the first track where the piano says "fuck this song" and leaves the recording session half way through.

What I found interesting about Rachel Quelch is her co-worker is Cory Thomas, a damn good drummer that I've played with in the past. You can watch him drumming in this video I uploaded a few years ago.

We will hear from Rachel again during the Junq Tour, so keep an eye out!

Listen to Crazy

Ava Loon

This is certainly not the worst children's album I've ever heard, but it has a few bad flaws. First of all, who ever mixed it didn't take the intended audience into account and mixed a lot of the vocals quite poorly, making the lyrics hard to understand for children and adults of all ages. They could have easily inserted some controversial lyrics such as "go kill your mom because she's fucking your school teacher". I haven't been able to verify that this kind of content doesn't exist on this album. 

Second, the singer on "Are We There Yet" sang the damn thing in a really bad Scottish accent for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if he died a horrible death from some Scottish person smothering him with a kilt.

Listen to The Kitty

Jake Penner - Calgary

Welcome back to Church! Jake Penner makes us want to take his body and smash the organ player's head in with it. This tape is fucking awful.

Listen to The Unveiled Christ.

Little Jake Wiebe

Hey! Another Jake! It's a pandemic!

The only indication of what's on this tape is the words "Little Jake Wiebe" written on the inlay. Either this tape is in the wrong case, or Little Jake Wiebe is actually a little girl. I always find it interesting that a family can sit down together and record a cassette full of shitty gospel songs. I think my family did that a couple of times as well. 

Our featured track was recorded by The Oak Ridge Boys of "Elvira" fame. I would have liked to hear little girl Jake Wiebe sing that one instead of this lifeless piece of shit.

Listen to Where We Ever Shall Be

Locals George & Suzie Wiens

Guess what? This tape is in the wrong case too! Everything about it looks right; a Fuji cassette in a Fuji slim case. I figured I had a complete album, but the songs don't match the track listing. I mean, this could still be George & Suzie, but I have no way of verifying that, especially since it's the same old bastard singing on every song.

Listen to One Golden Curl

Arnie - Country Classics Vol. 1

Arnie Strynadka is a legend here on Classical Gas Emissions. I've covered his albums many times, and I still occasionally find more of them. His recordings usually sound like mud, but this one is so shiny and bright that it distorts really badly. I transferred this recording with the CrO2 switch on which helped suppress the brightness a little.

Arnie is famous for playing his fiddle along to a shitty Casio keyboard. He's also famous for singing like a guy who's had a few too many drinks. Also, I didn't know that Arnie was a staple in the Island of Misfit Musicians, also known as Branson Missouri. I'd love to take a visit down there one day, buy some shitty tapes & CDs, see a few shows, and blog about the whole experience. Perhaps one day I'll have the budget (and the lack of a pandemic) to take the trip.

Listen to Red River Valley

Next stop: Neepawa! You know it's gonna be good!

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Portage La Prairie

 We're at the very start of the Junq Tour, and there's no better place to start than Portage La Prairie. I came out with a LOT of terrible music (as I usually do at this location), so let's not waste any more time and go through it...

Helen White - What The Hellsy

I got this one sealed, and I should have left it that way.

With songs like "Dreamworld", "Facebook Fiasco", "Men (Boring)", "Spoilt Bastard", and "I Miss You Dad" Helen sounds like a man-hating bitch with daddy issues. These songs come off as pompous, bombastic, annoying showtunes. I hate showtunes. Helen sounds like she has a load of talent that has lots it's control and skidded off the road and ended up in a herd of man-hating cows.

Let's see if I can come up with a response for every song title...

A Highway West - Where I drove over this CD

Dreamworld - What you're living in if you think this album will appeal to audiences other than bitter women

P.A.R.I.S. - Piss Arrangements Recorded In Stereo

Can't Concentrate - Judging by the lyrics, it was pretty obvious

Facebook Fiasco - What happens when I post my review of this

My Coat - Put it on and GTFO

You Can't Stop a Storm - Good thing you're not a storm!

Men (Boring) - Helen (Shitty)

MAXI - You shouldn't write lyrics when you're wearing one of these

Spoilt Bastard - Jaded Bitch

I Miss You Dad - I wish he was still around to whoop your ass for making this album

Perpetual Youth - Sounds like someone's trying to make up for getting a little saggy in the body!

Listen to Men (Boring)

Saffire The Uppity Blues Women

This is what happens when you get a bunch of bitter old women together to form a travelling musical circus act. These miserable bitches should get together with Helen White and create the ultimate "I hate men" band. Some of the song titles are "Silver Beaver", "You Can Have My Husband", "Bitch With a Bad Attitude", "Dump That Chump", and a mandatory cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy". It's women like these who cause all the good men to decide that procreating is a bad idea. Putting your dick in a bitter angry woman will lead to the removal of your genitalia, your possessions, and your entire paycheck. After that, the woman will put those funds toward getting tattoos with some artificially uplifting phrase tattooed on her body and recording a shitty album that eventually rots in thrift stores across the land.

Listen to Bitch With a Bad Attitude

Standing Room Only - Pure Acappella

I seem to find at least one acappella album on every trip, and I hate myself for it each time. This one surprisingly doesn't contain a version of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye", but it does contain the usual culprits "Stand By Me", "Under The Boardwalk", and "My Girl". Then there's the not-so-usual culprits like "Moon Dance" (the Van Morrison song spelled incorrectly), "You Can Call Me Al", and... More Than Words by Extreme??? 

I really can't understand the logic behind owning an acappella album. It's good for ONE listen. Other than that, acappella groups belong on a street corner collecting money from strangers.

Listen to More Than Words

Listen to Will The Circle Be Unbroken (it's actually Johnny Cash's Daddy Sang Bass)

G Watson Organ

Ain't nothin' but a G thang!

Usually when I come across these Wilcox-Gay Recordio discs, they're so wrecked that they're not worth picking up. This one is actually in somewhat decent shape. It's too bad the content is crap. It's nothing but someone playing an organ from the other side of the room. My turntable won't play the whole thing without retracting the stylus, and I didn't feel like hooking up a capable turntable, so you get what you get. I've shoved both sides onto one file. It's not like this guy is the Jimi Hendrix of the Hammond or anything.

Listen to G Watson Organ

Gerry Bilton and the Redwood Band

According to the picture on the label, Gerry has no face. I suppose I could draw one in for the poor bugger.

I believe this is the only thing this guy released. He didn't get a record contract because these songs kinda suck. "Maybe She'll Look Good Again" is a song about getting drunk, taking some girl home, and then realizing how fucking ugly she is in the morning.

The flip side "Stay With Me Here Tonight" is the lyrical genius of a 15 year old who finally convinced his girlfriend to take her pants off but refuses to remove her panties. Poor Gerry.

Listen to Maybe She'll Look Good Again

Listen to Stay With Me Here Tonight

Willie and Rodi Longenecker - Grace Again

I've reviewed a couple of albums by these two in years past, and they never seem to get any better. They put a picture of their family and their home in Lake of the Woods on the other side of the cover because that's how good music is made. They also made sure that they put their location on the cover to counteract all those Willie and Rodi bootlegs that are apparently problematic.

According to this quote on the inside of the cover, Willie and Rodi have a really extensive and stressful touring schedule:

"Rodi and I have been traveling and singing in nursing homes, retirement communities, and churches"

It's a wonder they were able to find the time to record all 21 fucking songs on this album.

Listen to Crying In The Night

FMI - He Is The Man

So I finally got another album by FML. I reviewed one of their albums here, and little to nothing has changed. They have some pretty cool guitar licks that start the songs off, but it always turns into the same old pile of decomposing country music garbage with a really bad singer. Also, what the hell is with the seven minute song at the end of the album? This isn't fucking Led Zeppelin, this is some shit hole Christian band.

Listen to He Is The Man

Listen to Riding High

National Music Service, Inc - Secular Guitar #1

I bought this CD knowing absolutely nothing about it. I didn't even realize that it had a track listing on it. I guess that's what happens when you plow through the garbage CD piles like a madman. Anyway, I looked up this company, and I found a bit of information about the person who ran it...

"He helped transform the modern funeral with his Spokane-based National Music Service, which at one point supplied music for three-quarters of the funeral services held in the United States and Canada."

So what I have here is an entire CD of music that is played at funeral homes throughout North America. In case you're wondering, yes there is plenty of tremolo-filled organ on these tracks to put you in that "death in the family" mood.

The song "Love is Blue" used to be a beautiful, light and fluffy musical piece that would remind you of a beautiful woman. Now it's slow, miserable and will remind you of your dead uncle. "What a Wonderful World" used to be an uplifting song about life. Now it's a song about how your grandmother died in a puddle of her own piss. "My Way" used to be about success and survival, but now it reminds you of being buried in the ground with weeds growing over top of you. This CD does a spectacular job at ruining the classics for you.

Listen to What A Wonderful World

Listen to Love Is Blue

Derek & Dorothy - Soft & Easy

"Soft" is Derek's nickname and "Easy" is Dorothy's nickname. Derek plays guitar and Dorothy plays everything else (a Casio). They put mandatory reverb on everything to make it sounds like you're floating around in an artificial heaven.

Since these are all instrumentals, I was tempted to add my vocals to some of these to make them more interesting. I didn't, at least not this time.

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Doug Brown - From The Heart

Albums covers are the best when someone uses a photo from a family trip from many years ago. The best thing I can say about this album is it doesn't sound like it was recorded with a tin can. However, it was probably recorded with Audacity because this album has that really dry digital sound with no effects added. Also, Doug has some hard P's, possibly because of his age, but also because he didn't throw a windscreen on his computer microphone.

Listen to Ask For The Ancient Paths

Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers - The Shed

This album absolutely failed to live up to its promises. The back of the album says "The best of Newfoundlan music and humour". The only thing they got right is Newfoundland. Half on the tracks are instrumentals, and they're not even funny instrumentals. The other half with vocal performances also isn't funny. This seems to be typical of albums that boast about how funny the are.

There is a parody of "Whiter Shade of Pale", but I can't understand the lyrics. Half of it is sung in a Donald Duck voice, because singing in a Donald Duck voice apparently makes everything funny. Must be a Newfie thing.

Listen to Whiter Shade of Pale

R-Passion - R-Music R-Way


This group of retired pirates joined together in a tin can and recorded an album of non-pirate music. Every single song fades in, and all of the songs cut off suddenly. This is one of the most stale mmmm-plop-plop bands I've ever heard, and I've heard a LOT of mmmm-plop-plop music. Half of this album is in French and therefore unlistenable. The other half is in English, and is also unlistenable.

Listen to You Are My Sunshine

Hank Williams - The Year of '84

Isn't this exciting? Hank Williams came back from the dead and recorded a really bad album. After such a long gap between recording sessions, it appears that poor Hank forgot how to sing. Apparently, a lengthy bout of death will do that to you. Also, could Hank jam any more shit onto this cover? He put the track listing, the credits, and a quote from somebody (possibly himself), but he didn't even put his name on it. You wouldn't even know this was a Hank Williams album unless you looked at the CD!

Listen to Bury That Man

Listen to There Is Time

Old Man Singing Ninety and Nine

Someone recorded their half-dead great grandfather singing a song called "The Ninety and Nine" while taking a bath. He probably drowned to death from a heart attack after he was done.

Listen to Ninety and Nine

There is plenty more to come from this Junq Tour. I have accumulated probably the biggest haul out of any of the other Junq Tours. Judging from how much I acquired, I may end up doing the exact same route for next year. Stay tuned for Austin!

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Junq Tour 2021 Videos

Videos of the 2021 Junq Tour are up! The finds this year were really terrible. Stay tuned for my in-depth coverage of all this garbage.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Cheap Imitation Instrumentals

Sometimes my life is a never-ending mess. Things are going pretty sour at my real job, so I've been dealing with that lately. Because of that, I haven't had much brain capacity to do an entry, so I've been waiting for moments when I actually DO have the brain capacity to work on something. Anyway, let's throw my personal problems aside because I've got a real pile of interesting crap sitting here. There's usually nothing all that amazing about albums like these, but this time I've been falling down a bit of a rabbit hole.

Before I get into the other albums, I need to talk about this CD...

LDMI - Today's Power Hits

I originally picked this up on cassette when I was a teenager. When I found the CD in a thrift store, I immediately grabbed it. These are all cheap imitations. I honestly have no clue when this thing came out, but I would guess around 1990 or so. There's some bad covers on here (including a bad cover of "Bad"). This CD almost needs an entry on it's own, but I found it significant enough to be somewhat included here.

I'm giving you two songs off this CD, because they're going to rear their ugly heads later on.

Listen to Take My Breath Away

Listen to La Ilsa Bonita

Fastforward Music - Love and Emotion (CD 3)

I was ready to commend this company for naming themselves "Fastforward Music", but you'd end up fast forwarding through the entire album. If they wanted to be 100% truthful, they would have named themselves "Throwinthegarbage Music"

The design & art direction was done my Propeller. What the fuck is "Propeller"? Who the fuck is "Propeller"? Why is he/she named "Propeller"? Is "Propeller" the two ugly people on the cover? Also, where the hell are the other two CDs in this set? I have so many questions.

The back of the CD has the following text: 

"When you share love's music, you share the sound of closeness, of whispers and sighs, of laughter and touch - and they mean even more" 

This isn't fucking Hallmark, it's a crappy knock-off CD!

The song "Candle in the Wind" is starting to approach the same level of knock-off popularity as "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain", which is making me want to cry in the rain. I wish Princess Diana hasn't died. We wouldn't be having a plethora of Candle in the Wind covers if she was still around. In case you're wondering, this is a different version than the one I posted here. Elton John's vocals have been replaced by an electric guitar.

When Bridge Over Troubled Water started, it sounded okay. But then we get a harp singing instead of a fake Garfunkel. WHY???? The song itself is a fine piano piece on it's own, but no... it needed a fucking harp.

I don't know most of the other songs, but they're probably just as shitty as these versions.

Listen to Candle In The Wind

Listen to Bridge Over Troubled Water

Pegasus - Pan Pipes

If you were expecting Zamfir, you will be disappointed because these are synthesized pan flutes. Zamfir needs to go down there and beat the piss out of the guy who worked on this CD.

There is a cover of "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies on here which has some funky ass shit going on. Out of all the songs I'm reviewing in this entry, this one probably best represents what weather channel music sounds like.

The best song on this CD is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". The fake pan flutes are much more enjoyable than Celine Dion's voice. However, I cannot say the same for the cover of "I Will Always Love You". I would rather hear Whitney belt that one out because the pan flutes just don't work for that one. We also have a really boring version of Lady in Red.

Guess what? We have another cover of Candle in the Fucking Wind! It's also the EXACT SAME INSTRUMENTAL TRACK as the previous one, except the fake pan flutes have replaced the electric guitar. They both obviously used a digital copy because it was really easy to sync them together, and I've provided a link to that masterpiece below.

Listen to The Air That I Breathe

Listen to I Will Always Love You

Listen to My Heart Will Go On

Listen to Lady in Red

Listen to Candle in the Wind

Listen to two version of Candle in the Wind mixed together

The Dreamsound Orchestra Plays The Hits Made Famous by Madonna

Surprisingly, Candle in the Wind isn't on this one. You get all your favourite Madonna songs here butchered by... well... There is no such thing as "The Dreamsound Orchestra" as we'll see...

The vocals in "Like a Virgin" have been replaced by an electric guitar which probably isn't real. The Pan Flutes decide to give us an encore on the song "True Blue". The song "Material Girl" is just laughably bad. And then we have La Ilsa Bonita. You knew it was coming...

La Ilsa Bonita has the EXACT SAME INSTRUMENTAL TRACK as the version on the first CD on this entry. The only differences are that the audio quality is shittier, the vocals have been replaced by a crummy keyboard sound, and it fades out early. These two versions were a bitch to sync up, mainly because the instrumental tracks were likely recorded on analog equipment. The Dreamsound version had to be run through an EQ to make it sound a bit better.

Listen to Like a Virgin

Listen to True Blue

Listen to Material Girl

Listen to La Ilsa Bonita

Listen to two version of La Ilsa Bonita mixed together

Candlelight Romance - Guitar

Wow, that's a creative name. Apparently, all selections are courtesy of "Countdown Music". So, did the "Countdown Singers" obtain the rights to all the cheap imitations, or are the cheap imitations just part of a big jizz fest to make money? I would love to know the answer.

I wouldn't be surprised if this version of John Lennon's "Imagine" is played on a banjo. Roger Whittaker's "The Last Farewell" is actually good because it sounds like it was done by The Ventures. Why couldn't they have done the entire album like that? Speaking of The Ventures, the version of Sleepwalk on here is really bad. I'm pretty sure I have this version of "Every Breath You Take" with vocals elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to go digging for it.

Guess what? We have Lady in Fucking Red again! To my surprise, it's a completely different version than the fake Zamfir one.

Listen to Imagine

Listen to The Last Farewell

Listen to Sleepwalk

Listen to Every Breath You Take

Listen to Lady in Red

Candlelight Romance - Romantic Piano

Yes! We're in for more Candlelight Romance! When I think of Romance, I think of the song "My Way" which was included on here for some reason.

The only song I've pulled from this one is "Take My Breath Away". They replaced the vocal track with someone banging their head on a piano. As with the others, I've mixed the two versions together. The vocal version fades out slightly before the stupid piano one does. Again, they were a bit difficult to sync up due to the original likely being recorded on analog equipment.

Listen to Take My Breath Away

Listen to two version of Take My Breath Away mixed together

That's it for this round! I'm leaving for the Junq Tour tomorrow, so I'll have a couple bins worth of stuff to plow through and two videos to edit. I'm looking forward to seeing what trash I'll find this round. See you guys in a bit!

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

The Greatest Mainstream Recording Artists in Music History

We're taking a break from covering all the junk artists that I keep insisting on posting about, and instead focusing on some REAL music from REAL artists. I hope you guys enjoy the change of pace!

Anne-Marie Murray - Songs of Newfoundland

There came a point in Anne Murray's career when she decided to take a break from her middle-aged housewife music and dive head-first into Canada's thriving Newfie music scene. To distance herself from her old sound, she stupidly decided to use her middle name on the cover (pronounced "Anne Murray Murray"). What resulted was music that was even more fucking annoying than everything else she ever released. Thankfully, this album flopped and she went back to making housewife music, leaving this piece of trash behind and never to be revisited again. All of us should be thankful that Anne Murray Murray will happily sing "Snowbird" any day over "Petty Harbour Bait Skiff", whatever the hell that means.

Listen to The Star of Logy Bay

Genesis - From The Heart

The British group Genesis made a lot of hits back in the 1980s, none of which can be found on this album. During the conception of this piece of junk, Peter Gabriel forced the entire band to put down their instruments, go get make-overs, and record a bunch of cover songs acapella. Although Phil Collins tried to convince Peter that the album could at least use a few cymbals to fill out the sound, Peter was adamant that Phil Collins should take his cymbals and put them over his dick instead of trying to procreate ever again. 

Phil Collins (back), Mike Rutherford (left), Tony Banks (right), and Peter Gabriel (front) all boarded a plane together and flew from England to Winnipeg, Manitoba to record this masterpiece of stupidity. Peter Gabriel really thought that the single "Wind Beneath My Wings" was going to sell more copies than Bette Midler's version, but he got a taste of bitter reality when the album only sold nine copies (four by the band members).

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Listen to When Will I Be Loved

Tom Stinson - A Search for Peace

Tommy Stinson has been well known for his work with Guns N' Roses and The Replacements. Unfortunately at some point on tour with G'n'F'n'R, he seemingly found Jesus hiding in one of his guitar amps. He promptly quit the tour which resulted in Axl Rose erasing Tommy's guitar parts on the Chinese Democracy master tapes (again). He cut his hair like a dork, bought himself a $75 guitar from Wal-Mart, and set out to make solo artist history. Paul Westerberg told Tommy that he was a man of only a thousand brain cells to make such a stupid career move, but Tommy argued that Paul is way too dyslexic to know how to count anything in a person's body.

Tommy proudly released this solo album in 2005. Thankfully, Axle Rose was able to get ahold of the master tapes and erase them.

Listen to Man In The Sky

We will return to regular junk posts starting with the next entry...