Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Winkler (Gospel Echoes)

This thrift store gets a gold star for carrying the worst albums ever released in Manitoba, the majority being on the Silver Streams label. With two valuable metals being mentioned in the same sentence, we should get to the reviews...

Paul Holmberg - Built For Glory

Looks like he's built for business in the front and a party in the back. He also looks like a reject from the Crash Test Dummies. The limited liner notes are filled with typos because apparently neither spell check nor proofreading existed in 1995. What a cave we lived in.

Paul sings like John Denver, but with worse songs and less passion. All this music sounds the bloody same which is something I absolutely detest with any album. You have an hour or so of time on a compact disc, so why don't you fill it with variety? Instead, we get the same boom-chicka-boom country shit across the whole fucking thing. The only exception is the weather report at the beginning which is the most interesting part of the album. On the plus side, he can sing and the mix is done well.

Listen to the weather report

Listen to Build My Mansion


Sharon Bethel Quartet - Home Is Where The Heart Is

It's always exciting when I pick up a sealed album because I have to wonder what horrible secrets the previous owner (if any) left locked up. Well, this one certainly had a secret it didn't want to reveal. First of all, it didn't want to open when I peeled the cellophane off. I had to pry the fucking case with a screwdriver to get it open. Then I found out why I had such a problem...

The disc was stuck to the fucking insert. Since the disc retainer was new and strong, it didn't want to let go. I'm guessing the ink on the insert was still fresh when they sealed this up, and it glued itself to the disc. Sadly, I shall never find out what interesting things needed to be said in the liner notes. However, not much needs to be said since this is another fucking acapella album. There have been way too many of these on this trip.

Listen to Then The Angels Broke The Silence


Joannie - In Memory Of

Joannie's back! We haven't seen an album from her in a long time. I thought I had covered all her albums here, but I guess she fart squeaks another one into my hands every now and then.

Joannie decided to record a new album after a couple of people in her life died. That's kinda pointless since the dead people aren't going to be around to enjoy the songs that were written about them. So how are the songs? Awful as usual. The piano player's right arm appears to be asleep. The rest of the band is so overwhelmed with Joannie's terrible outfit that they can't focus on how well they're playing their instruments. Joannie has the absolute worst taste in clothing. I can't imagine anybody else wearing the shit that she's always dressed in, unless you're in an episode of Little House on the Prairie.

Listen to Touch Me Lord


Pure Gospel Gold - Plautdietsche Leida Vol.2

This is a German album, but I bought it because it's on the Silver Streams label. I have to hand them credit, they did a really good job of adding the sound effect of someone peeing on a plastic bag throughout the whole album. I wonder if the plastic bag pee sound is also featured on volume one? I shall have to seek it out.

Now, we all must take a moment and thank Jim for the use of his guitar. Apparently the use of his guitar was so important that it needed to be mentioned in the liner notes. Without Jim, all we'd be listening to is someone peeing on a plastic bag. Too bad the person peeing on the bag isn't mentioned in the liner notes.

So here's a German version of Blue Eyes Crying in the fucking Rain. At least, that's what it sounds like.

Listen to Een Schiena Dach


Lange Family - Gospel Ship

This should have been called "Gospel Shit".

I tried to review an album by the Lange Family back in 2020, but the case had a recording of a Kevin Harcourt album in it. Since the release of Gospel Ship, the Lange family fucked like rabbits and added three more kids to their band. 

All the instruments are credited inside the album except for the drums. So who the hell is playing the drums? Is it a pirate on the gospel ship? Is it God? Is it Kevin Harcourt? Regardless of who it is, they're a terrible drummer and they seem to speed up as they play.

Listen to Gospel Ship


Teichroeb Family - Harvest Wind

Apparently, the Teichroeb family wanted to go take a picture in the forest, but we all know forests are extinct so they had to be photoshopped into a picture of a forest. I'm guessing that Silver Streams did the photoshopping themselves since they seem to have a knack for doing shitty work.

The quality of the album cover is a good indication of what the music sounds like - poorly done. If you didn't know it was a Christian album, you'd think it was an album about a passionate night of sex. It features songs such as "Somebody Touched Me", "Forever on my Knees", "He Holds Me in His Hand", and "Somebody's Knocking". I'm guessing "Harvest Wind" is another way of describing a pussy fart.

Listen to Somebody Touched Me

Listen to Forever On My Knees

Listen to Somebody's Knocking


Wally Whitehead - I'll Not Be Defeated

What the fuck happened to his guitar? Oh wait, he's Wally Whitehead. That's pimple puss all over it.

It's not often we get to experience truck driver Christian music, but here it is in all it's glory. Wally half talks and half sings his way through every song. He appears to have eaten the reverb unit since there are no effects on his vocals.

Sadly, Wally was in fact defeated when he died in 2015. All we have is this shitty album to remember him by.

Listen to Jesus Is The Sweetest Person Name I Know

Download the whole thing!


The Penners - Ekj Jleijch Tom Saajen To Senne


Silver Streams apparently doesn't give a fuck if they forget the letter "s" at the end of the word "streams". It's that, or "Silver Stream" is a subsidiary of "Silver Streams". The most likely answer is that the people at Silver Streams don't give a shit if they spell their record label's name correctly.

This album is in German, but it doesn't mean you can't pick out the people in the family with no talent. Don't they tune their instruments? Don't they tune their women? What in the hell is this barf-fest of noise? Didn't anybody (including the "engineers" at Silver Stream) lean over to the dipshits playing the guitars and say "You both need to go home because you and your Mickey Mouse guitars are ruining everything"? I'm pretty sure most people would remove this tape from their deck and smas it with a hammer. I'd seriously love to know how much Silver Stream charged their customers for this awful piece of trash.

Listen to Jesus Muak Mie Loos

Listen to Ekj Woa Horchen


Book: Avoiding Drugs

The joke's on Walmart... The happy face is covering the bong. Anyway, this book has some pretty fun pictures in it, so let's take a look...

Tommy isn't getting an inheritance because cigarettes cost $16 per pack. Judging from that ashtray, there's about $40 in there.

Sue's aunt was good friends with Bill Cosby too.

Sue needs to put her magic sparkly hat back on to make her headache go away. She also needs another Rolling Rock to wash down her pride.

How many drunken Aunts does Sue have? Also, with a glass that full, why isn't she just drinking straight from the bottle?

These are real situations that every child on the planet is put through on a weekly basis. Therefore, here's some great answers that won't get you beat up or laughed at.


After checking all the audio files to make sure they work, I realize how sad the country music genre is. So many of these songs sound the same! Anyway, that's it for Winkler. We still have a couple more stops before the end of the Junq Tour. Next, we'll be visiting Plum Coulee! Wheee!!!

Saturday, January 8, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Winkler (MCC & Superthrift)

There weren't enough worthy albums from either store for a whole entry each, so I stacked one pile of shit on top of another and it stinks.

MCC

CFAM Radio 950 Altona: Made in Manitoba

This apparently came from the radio station CFAM in Altona. I recently switched jobs and now have a career in the Christian Wheat Belt, and they play this station at work. Honestly, I would prefer listening to someone chewing a handful of bolts, but they occasionally play something decent.

The tracks are split up according to where they put commercial breaks, so there's a pile of songs jammed into one track, causing me to work harder to extract audio. The first performer on this disc is Cate Friesen who is surprisingly decent, although I wouldn't exactly be rushing out to buy her album. However, she's talented enough to be put into the "good" category.

The other performer is Ray Kuran, and I posted about one of his albums here. He is perfectly mediocre enough for me to skip over.

Listen to Broken Ship by Cate Friesen


Maxell 8mm Videocassette

So what does twenty five cents get you at a thrift store in the Christian Wheat Belt? Pornography! The person who recorded this aimed their camcorder at their television and recorded the smut channel. The video quality is absolute garbage, but I suppose someone enjoyed this tape. We shall have a more in-depth look on this tape a bit later...


Dolores - Precious Memories

Dolores decided to jumpstart her music career by singing along to a bunch of karaoke tracks. She also seemingly put a recording of her singing as a child on the first track. It's a bit jarring when you hit play and hear this child yelling her song at you. Whoever cleaned up the first track made a mess of it. They ran it through a billion filters and it sounds like she's singing at the bottom of a sewer, which is right where this CD belongs.

Other songs on this album include Don't You Wanna Go Do That In Me, I Wanna Know How It Feels In The Sweet By and By. I may have forgotten some commas in that previous sentence. The song "Do That In Me" sounds identical to the original by Sarah Delane. Sarah sings it better, but it's still a stupid song. Regardless, both women want it done in them, so I combined Dolores's performance with some footage from that 8mm video tape and made a music video! Perhaps this will help kickstart Dolores's career in singing and/or pole dancing.

Listen to Jesus Loves Me

Listen to Do That In Me

Or watch the music video:


Superthrift

Bobby Bowen - 20 Years of Christian Country

Bobby Bowen has been performing Christian music for 20 years, and there isn't even a good song to show for it. What a waste of time. Some of these don't even sound like country songs. They're more like bad R&B music from the early 1980s. The rest of it is just cheesy country music. I was hoping that Bobby has moved on and found something that he's actually good at, but according to his website he's dragged his whole family down his music shit hole. Thanks to Bobby and his stubbornness to give up on his lousy music career, this blog keeps going and I don't think anybody likes that.

Listen to That's My Child


Lindsay Dueck - I Love Katie

Imagine my disappointment when I cracked the seal on this CD and discovered it only has one fucking song on it. It's about some religious kid named Katie stuck in the hospital who is apparently more important than Jesus, and therefore we should all love like Katie. I have so many questions... Who the fuck is Katie? Was she real? Why is she in the hospital? Did she ever get better? Did she actually want a crappy song written about her? Did the proceeds from this CD go to her? If she was real, I genuinely hope she got better. I also hope that she hated the song as much as I do.

Listen to I Love Katie


We have one more thrift store to cover in Winkler, and it's caked in silver and streaming shit. We'll be back...

Friday, December 31, 2021

Junq Tour 2020: Morden (Hope)

All of this stuff came from the "Hope" thrift store in Morden. Hope turned into a blessing of musical thrash. I completely avoided the other thrift store since I never find much there and it's usually overpriced anyway.


The Stories of Ethel Barrett For The Children Vol. 3

This lady scares me. She has angry eye brows and she's not smiling. This is the kind of woman who looks like she'd beat her kids with a wooden spatula. Also, it took me forever to figure out what the hell was peeking out from under her dress. It's her stinky toes! The only way I figured that out was by realizing that this woman still had her legs. I initially thought her dress was a round throw rug. 

Also, what's with her earrings? They look like 3v coin cell batteries. Perhaps that's why she appears to have a shockingly evil look on her face.

Anyway, most of the stories on this record are bible stories. I would recommend reading the bible instead of listening to her interpret them for you. However, there is one story on here that isn't from the bible. It's a story of how she and her cousin were left at home as young children (which is thankfully illegal now) and how they decided to defend themselves against a burglar by getting Ethel's dad's gun (which is also thankfully illegal now). The story would have been much more interesting if there was blood shed, and Ethel looks like she's perfectly capable of it.

Listen to What Are You Afraid Of


The Wiebe Family - Send The Light

Oh look! It's the Christian sunset again! I have to wonder if there's a particular mindset when choosing this for an album cover, or if it's a requirement of a particular religion? Here, let's see if I can make my own sunset album cover...

Wow, I should contract my work out to everyone in the Christian Wheat Belt.

According to the cover, this is the stereo version of the album. I would have been much happier with the mono version.

This album is full of organ, accordian, bass guitar, and people who can't fucking sing. Surprisingly, I can't hear any male voices on this recording. They were probably hard at work making the album cover. If I were to give the Wiebe family a piece of advice, it would be to hire better singers for their next album.

Listen to Send The Light

Listen to Will There Be Any Stars


The Stutzman Sisters - It's Raining

It's raining men! Or maybe boys. Or maybe chastity belts.

This is a very clean, well-produced sounding album. The artwork is well done, the liner notes are informative (except for a lack of release year), and it's almost worthy of getting tossed into the trash for being too mundane and mediocre for this blog. However, the youngest Stutzman sister (who is five years old) made one appearance on the album, and it's the most disgusting song that no child should be singing. We'll get to that in a moment...

Three of the four websites listed on the album are dead. Two of them show up in the Wayback machine, and they're just boring blogs that were kept by the two girls on the cover. According to the actual Stutzman website, this family has made 13 albums in total. Why aren't they more famous? You'd think they would have landed worldwide stardom by this point.

Anyway, enough yapping from me. Let's get to the filthy little number (or two numbers in this case) that should make most people cringe.

Listen to Daddy's Hands / I Want To Marry Daddy


All Together Now: 13 Songs Made Popular by The Beatles

There are only four kids on the cover, but it took 36 people to record this piece of shit.

Apparently, this is the sequel to the "All You Need is Love" album which I'm sure is in my queue box somewhere. Given how terrible this one is, I can only guess how bad the other one will be.

This album has a (2000s era) modern arrangement for these classic (and not-so-classic) Beatles songs. I like a lot of the Beatles' material, but I wouldn't exactly say I'm a die-hard fan which explains why there are some songs on here I don't know. Apparently they dug into some album cuts that the average person won't remember. However, there's plenty of well-known Beatles songs that you will no longer recognize. These songs may as well have been done by that Crazy Frog fad. If anything I would have preferred a Crazy Frog arrangement over this electronic pop-centric garbage.

There is nothing on this album that's appealing to anybody. It's fucking terrible. Why make a kid's Beatles album? Why not give them a real Beatles album? I'm sure a copy of the red or the blue album would be sufficient and much more enjoyable than this eletronic vomit-fest.

Listen to We Can Work It Out

Listen to From Me To You

Download the whole thing


We've got three stops in Winkler, but we won't get to those until 2022. The new year promises to have a plethora of more lousy finds, so fasten your seatbelts and cover your ears!

Monday, December 27, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Carman

Welcome back to the Junq Tour! There wasn't much at the Carman thrift store, but there was enough to annoy the hell out of you.


Tom Comerford - Celtic Classics

Yup it's Irish Celtic Newfie music. On the cover, we have Tom romantically necking with his guitar. I wonder if he's going to stick anything in the hole? He also autographed this for someone apparently named "Erthee", but according to Tom's writing, his last name is spelled "Comefan" which explains a lot given the nature of the cover.

So is his music better than his writing? Well, it sounds like the Eddie Coffey garbage except genuinely more Irish. It's mediocre at best. On the plus side, he does a cover of my favourite Metallica song.

Listen to Whiskey in the Jar


Frederic Rey, Tenor / John Holland, Organ - The Lord Is My Light: Sacred Classics

You know it's a Christian album when you have the mandatory Christian sunset on the cover. What is it with the sunset? Are we waiting for the light of the Lord to go away? I wish he would have intervened when this album was being recorded. Oh wait, he did... 

The Lord commanded in the second chapter of Revelation that the right channel be cast into the abyss. As a result, there is only audio on the left channel and I was way too fucking lazy to fix it.

My CD drive also doesn't want to play the tracks near the end of the album, proving that the Lord wasn't exactly happy with this project to have it turn out so poorly.

Listen to Come Ye Blessed


The Sandersons - Tell Them All

This is probably my 7th album by a group called "The Sandersons" and they're probably all different. I guess it's a really catchy name to call your band, just like "Nirvana" and "Saga". Unfortunately, this sounds nothing like any of the Nirvana and Saga bands in existence.

According to track 10, Apryl (the girl in the middle) is blind. It also became apparent that Apryl's surname is NOT "Sanderson". I find it quite shameful that the Sandersons exploited Apryl's disability in this fashion. I honestly think that Apryl's talent stands on it's own merit. That being said, I would like to congratulate Apryl on being the first truly talented disabled person to appear on Classical Gas Emissions. It only took 14 years! Unfortunately, Apryl wasted her voice on a lot of really crappy songs. Fortunately, she will have a chance to redeem herself since this isn't her last appearance on this Junq Tour. Stay tuned...

After listening to this album, it's clear that Apryl is the true star here. Jim Sanderson sounds like my grandmother would have if she didn't die back in 1996 (she would be 108 years old today.) Kate Sanderson's only talent on this album is telling everybody that Apryl is disabled. If you ask me, Kate is the one who's disabled with her lack of musical talent and her idiocy.

Listen to He Pours His Love On Me

Listen to What Won't Be There

Listen to What's Your Gift


The Sandersons - Just Who We Are

Guess what? This is almost the same album as the last one except Jim is singing it all and doesn't get any better. If you need to get a Sandersons album, don't buy this piece of shit. It's hard for me to admit, but the other one is a lot better.

Fortunately, we can still enjoy Jim singing about getting covered in Jesus juice.

Listen to He Pours His Love On Me


When we get to Morden, we'll be visiting a brand new store which is bigger and better than the other expensive piece of crap store that I didn't bother stopping at.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Worst Christmas Ever

 We interrupt the Junq Tour to bring you Christmas music. Sorry. This probably marks one of the worst Christmas entries I've done to date. Again, sorry. 


Flo Price - Christmas 2020: The Return of Orion and Myah

Yes! We have a record released in 1984 that predicted the worst Christmas of the 21st century! Instead of a worldwide pandemic that kills thousand of people and destroys the world's economy, we have a kid accidentally time travelling and getting lost in Bethlehem after aliens visit the planet. The Christians finally got one of their prophecies right.

You can't ask for a vinyl record to age worse than this. However, the record talks about a "chip deficiency" which is a genuine problem the world is having as of this writing. Tech product releases are experiencing delays, both in the professional and in the hobbyist world due to chip shortages. There are also vinyl shortages causing problems with music releases, so melting this album down and using it for the latest Megadeth release isn't out of the question.

One of the kids on this record brags that he's getting a 1024k Tangerine computer with a universal interface. I knew Tangerine computers existed (and were originally released in 1979 with 48k of RAM), but they are quite rare. 1024 kilobytes of RAM is a bit low for the tech-savvy world we currently live in.

As for the kids travelling back to bible times, they discover that the people from the bible speak perfectly clear English as opposed to Hebrew. The kids also apparently know what Micah looks like. This record is a flaming pile of horse shit every way you look at it.

The album is mainly filled with music, so I made an edited version that only has the dialogue. It's nearly a whole eight minutes long. I've had farts last longer than this story.

Listen to the dialogue

Download the whole album


Boxcar Newfie - Merry Christmas

The funny thing about Boxcar Newfie is that he doesn't really play Newfie music which is somewhat a relief. Perhaps there is hope for the music scene in Newfoundland since this album isn't the worst thing I've ever heard, although I'm fairly certain Boxcar had a few drinks before recording Jingle Bells. I'm pretty sure that drunkenness is more of a given than an exception in Newfoundland.

In the insert, Boxcar Newfie begs you to collect his five other releases. The fact that he has five other albums (one of which I have) proves that he's yet another music making machine that I need to start covering on this site.

Listen to Jingle Bells 


Kris's Khristmas Karols 2004 - Hey, Join the Fuckin' Club

I covered a bunch of these back in 2018. It seems that I had accidentally left one behind, so I'm presenting it here. Again, these are just mix CDs with interesting pictures and liner notes. Apparently someone's car got stolen and it was really worth remembering. Here are scans of all the custom artwork.


Maryam Malak - Christmas Essentials

I honestly thought this woman's name was Daryam, given that the first letter of her name looks like a letter D on the cover. I can't exactly figure out how that fucking thing is supposed to look like a letter "M". She should have called herself "Dayam Makeup" after giving herself the Tammy Faye treatment. As for the cover photo, it's pretty easy to tell who took it.

This album was sealed. It also came in a slim case which makes the packaging a bit unusual. Daryam put a high gloss sticker on the back featuring a picture of herself wearing too much fucking makeup, and a track listing, showing that the album includes the essential Christmas songs "Rockin Around" and "O Holly Nigth"

In case you're wondering, no that's not a Spanish accent. That's just her having difficulty singing due to the weight of the makeup on her face.

Listen to Rockin Around


Ecole Powerview School - Winter Wonderland

This one was sealed, and I shamefully opened it up and unleashed the atrocious noise that was contained within. This is by far the worst Christmas album I've ever listened to. The credits list Cindi Cain as being the vocal coach. Cindi Cain was a Canadian country singer who released one album in the 1980s. She also has a sister who dated my cousin. The fact that this album turned out so fucking terrible makes me question both Cindi's ability to sing and her ability to teach singing. Every other album I've covered in the past year is better than this garbage. I'll take my criticism back if I find out that this is a school for the deaf and hard of hearing.

If the children at this school genuinely don't have hearing problems, then I have to question the teachers. What teacher in their right mind said, "These kids sound great! We should put them on an album and we'll sell a million copies so we can refurbish the gymnasium!" Christian schools are much better at teaching their kids to sing, but they probably beat them with meter sticks.

I hope that you guys burn yourselves copies of this album and bring them to gatherings with family that you don't like. Tell them that this is Canada proud. Tell them that this is a Cindi Cain Christmas album. Tell them that your kid is singing on it. Hell, tell them that YOU are singing on it. If anybody throws up while listening to this album, be happy that it's not at your house.

Listen to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Listen to Jingle Bells

Download the whole thing


Well, that covers Christmas for this year! I'm going to probably just work on Junq Tour entries and put them in queue until after Christmas. Until then, I wish you the very best and I'll be more than happy to torture you after the holidays.