Tuesday, August 5, 2014

New Artists: August 2014

I have a new feature on this site... New Artists! I've signed up with a website who distributes new artists to websites and blogs for review. In other words, all the audio digitizing, MP3 tagging and artwork scanning is all done by the artist. All I have to do is listen to it and figure out if I want to review it. Easy!

These poor guys don't know what hit them. This isn't Rolling Stone magazine, it's Classical Gas Emissions. All my loyal readers know what's coming, so I should probably quit typing all this intro crap and get to the artists who are desperately waiting for me to feature their content...

Phil Beatty - The Day of the Lord's Return

We all knew this was coming. It was inevitable that I would be featuring a Christian artist with my new-found source of blogging badness.

The band plays perfectly fine. Phil sounds perfectly fine. The backup singers sound extremely sexy. But the lyrics and the production are EXTREMELY CORNY.

I'm bringing you the song "America Needs To Pray". Why does America need to pray? Because fuck all those other countries. They don't need God's help. America does! We don't worship Buddha, Allah, Zeus, or any of those other bullshit Gods. We worship Christ, because he's the only one that matters, right? RIGHT! So America rules, and everybody else drools.

Listen to American Needs To Pray


Vangueety apparently has degrees in music performance and music production. Perhaps I'm fucking retarded and deaf, but I'm just not hearing any professionalism in the recording. Vangueety is also visually impared which proves my point for the umpteenth time... Just because you have a disability, it doesn't mean you're a talented musician.

The album cover (if that actually is an album cover) shows Vangueety holding an electric guitar. The only thing I heard that even REMOTELY resembles a guitar in his music is a Sitar. Now, I may not have a professional degree in music like Vangueety does, but the last time I played my electric guitar, it didn't sound like it came from India. But you need to remember, this opinion is coming from an UNEDUCATED musician. My guitar might actually sound like a Sitar, but I may be just too stupid to realize it.

So please feel free to enjoy the music of a REAL musician!

Listen to How

Ahmed El-Motassem - This Song May Be Monitored For Your Protection

Well, I monitored the song, and I've decided to ignore protection. You guys are gonna suffer along with me on this one.

According to the press release,

"Fans of Lou Reed, Kate Bush, Tom Waits, Patti Smith, Leonard Cohen ... are likely to find something to love about this record."

I enjoy all those artists just fine, but this record sucks. Perhaps if you play the songs "Lisa Says", "Wuthering Heights", "Hang On St. Christopher", "Because The Night", and "Everybody Knows" all at the same time, you might get something that sounds almost as bad as this Ahmed record.

I could have plucked any of Ahmed's songs because they all sit on the same level of sub-par, but I got his permission to re-upload one of his music videos! Yay! The video is just as fucked up as the music, so I guess it works. The video stars Mickey Mouse. The video was also produced by Mickey Mouse.

Enjoy wasting the next 3 1/2 minutes of your life:

Well that was fun and easy! Be sure to watch for some more kick ass new releases coming your way soon from Classical Gas Emissions! Also, I'm currently working on plans for another appearance on Amateur Hour, so stay tuned for that!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Goodbye Earl, You Bastard!

I met this really wonderful woman named Sheila while hanging out at a karaoke bar. She is seriously one of the nicest people I've ever met.... except for when she's singing "Goodbye Earl" by The Dixie Chicks.

She gladly gave me permission to post it here.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Jerry's Sleger's One Man Band

I cannot believe I found THREE albums by this guy in the course of one month. It's like he exploded out of nowhere and took the thrift stores by storm! I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing for one's music career, but they certainly caught my attention.

The music is the typical run-of-the-mill old-guy cover songs that I've seen on countless other self-made albums. And the music? Well... The tunes are certainly identifiable, but it all just sounds so bloody disjointed. Anyway, let's get to the albums...

Polka & Waltz Across The USA

Judging from the album cover, it appears that Jerry is not only talented at playing a ton of instruments at once, but his head is amazingly able to detach from his body and float into orbit! With his super magnification glasses, he is able to peer into sexy women's bedroom windows. Google Earth has NOTHING on Jerry!

For this album, Jerry travels the US and plays anthems belonging to many of the states. Well not literally, he probably avoided traveling and recorded them in some guy's basement. Since my background is Ukrainian, I'm cocainely addicted to a good polka or waltz. The sad thing is Ukraine does not belong to the USA, so there's pretty much nothing here that I recognize. I chose to feature the Pennsylvania Polka. It may be the cocaine talking, but I swear I hear SOMETHING in the background of this recording. I don't know if it's a baby in a blender or the usual demons found in polka recordings, but I'm pretty sure something odd made its way into the background.

Listen to Pennsylvania Polka

Variety Pack No. 1

The album cover shows us that Jerry owns way too many fucking keyboards. It's that, or he's got five hands to play them all. Given the fact that his head detaches and floats, the probablility of him having five or more hands doesn't seem to surprise me all that much.

Jerry covers the classics here, from "Green Green Grass of Home" to "Please Release Me". I was personally looking forward to his version of Welcome To The Jungle, but I guess there's only so much good stuff you can pack into the first volume.

Because I love Disney so damn much (LIE) I figured I'd include the amazing happy version of It's a Small World. If Disney could do one thing right in their lifetime, they could start using Jerry's version of the song on their amusement park ride.

Listen to It's a Small World

Plays 28 Songs

YES! 28 FUCKING SONGS! You don't even get that on a Green Day album anymore! Here, Jerry seems to void the name of his band and feature his wife on the cover. Well, maybe not. I mean, she's not a man so it's still a "one man band", but there's one woman too.

There's lots of polkas and waltzes on this one, but Jerry throws in some classics like "Been Working On The Railroad" and "When The Saints Come Marching In". I decided to go with a favorite Elvis song of mine for this one. The drum fills don't really work, and it's disjointed as hell, but it's an Elvis song... Well, I doubt Elvis actually wrote it, but he recorded a nice version.

Listen to Blue Moon to Gold

I ended up doing a Google search to see if Jerry has any more albums floating around out there (he does), and I found him on Youtube. There's a bit of an interview here and you get to see him play his pile of junk live! The fact that he hacked the shit out of an old accordian and made it do weird stuff totally earns my respect. Check it out:

There will probably be more Jerry albums featured here in the future, given the fact that it didn't take me long to find three of them. I can totally see him joining the ranks of Arnie, Teo Mance, and Kevin Harcourt, all who love to have their wonderful music featured on Classical Gas Emissions! Well, maybe except for Arnie. Arnie kicked the bucket a while back.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Slides 1968-1974

A while back, I came across a pile of cool junk that someone discarded. In the pile of junk was a couple of trays containing slides. I've gone through them and scanned the most interesting ones for your enjoyment!

The period of the slides ranges from 1968-1974. The styles of this period are always interesting to look at.

I believe this slide was a sample that came free when you bought a slide projector. The color of the picture was very red, since red is the last colour that disappears from deteriorating plastic film. Thanks to digital photo editing, I was able to restore the colour in this picture. I'm guessing it's from the mid-60s.

Now I'm going to shut up and let you look at some pictures. Some of them may be backwards.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Records To Play on Canada Day!

Since Canada Day is July 1st, I decided to pick through my blog queue and find some records to represent our Country! Yes, it was a doomed venture from the beginning because it seems that every song representing Canada seems to be sub-par (and that includes our national anthem). We just can't seem to write cool songs about our homeland which is quite evident in two of the four records I'm featuring here.

So won't you join me as we step into the home and native land of shitty patriotic songs, boring Canadian history, and airport music.

The Mennonite Children's Choir - They All Call It Canada

I'm glad this is not our national anthem. It's too long and I can't understand half the words, mainly because the children singing on here were taught to over-exaggerate their Canadian accents. Hooray for CannyDaah!

It's still a shitty song, so I'll forgive you for skipping over it.

Listen to They All Call It Canada

Sounds of Canada

Canadian history is boring as fuck, and this record helps drive that point home. Fortunately for us, this isn't just a record documenting Canadian history. It's a record of Canadian sound effects and audio clips.

Although I haven't been to our city's library in decades, the tapes, records and videos I've come across that previously belonged to the library are lame, stupid, or just flat out dumpster food. I'm not sure what the purpose of this record was. Perhaps you were supposed to buy it, mail it to someone in a different country, and they would excitedly opened the envelope to discover a totally destroyed 7" record because the postal system likes to smash the piss out of the mail before it arrives to its destination.

I've joined side one and two into a single 17 minute MP3 file. It's kinda stale, but if you want to know what Canadian atmosphere sounds like, this may help deter you from visiting us.

Listen to Sounds of Canada

T.B.A. - Summer In Canada

If you can't figure out what to name your band, just stamp it with "T.B.A." Seriously, how can Doug Riley write and compose a completely useless song, and then avoid coming up with a band name? The poor singers will never get the recognition they deserve. What a way to ruin a legacy. I'm also pretty sure I have a cassette of Doug Riley somewhere in my massive, overflowing box of bloggable cassettes, but I cannot seem to find it at this very moment.

I don't think this song was meant to be an enjoyable patriotic song. It sounds more like a radio station bumper to fill dead space while the disc jockey (who's a total slacker at his job) queued up the next record. So for all you slackers in the Canadian broadcasting field, feel free to use this song to stab summery joy into the ears of your listeners!

Listen to Summer In Canada

Flight Time - An Air Canada Introduction to Boarding Music

In the few times I've flown, I've NEVER paid attention to the fact that there's music playing while I'm getting on the plane. Nevertheless, this is a fun sampler of music that was playing in Canadian airports in 1979. You're not going to find any Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, or Deep Purple here. Satanic bands like those are NOT allowed on the airport speakers. Instead, we have a selection of (mostly) soft 70s pop music that will ensure you remain calm while airport security rapes and cavity searches you for guns, knives, cocaine, and cigarette lighters.

This is basically elevator music performed by a bunch of unknowns. Here are some of the songs I was able to pick out while listening to this record (with a few being heavily disco-fied)...

Day Tripper
Theme from a Summer Place
Music Box Dancer (the actual Frank Mills version)
Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Seasons In The Sun
The Entertainer
Nadia's Theme
I Just Can't Help Believing
Georgy Girl
Nobody Does It Better
Suicide Is Painless

Personally, I would probably be more nervous during my flight after hearing the Theme from MASH while boarding the plane. The fear-induced scars of wondering "IS THIS PLANE GOING TO GET SHOT DOWN" would pave the way for a lifetime of intense therapy.

Both sides have different music, and side two has the commentary in French.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

And that's it! I hope you have a spectacular Canada Day, regardless of what country you live in.