Five Years of Classical Gas Emissions

I honestly didn't think I'd last five years, but here it is. Currently, this is the second-longest project I've put effort into (my longest was my Canned Peaches novelty project)

I'm going to get a bit personal here about how this blog came about. Back in 2007 when I started the blog, posts were a bit sporadic. I had recently become a father and I needed stuff to do with my baby boy. His mom didn't seem to want to spend time with us, so I figured the best thing I could do to occupy my time while he was at such a young age was to frequent thrift stores and garage sales. I cannot count how many poopy diapers I changed in the back seat of my SUV while driving around shopping for junk.

While I was touring the thrift stores, I started putting effort into finding oddball stuff that people had donated. I still have a massive collection of things that have been sitting around that I have yet to hear, watch, make fun of, and post for you to laugh at. I've met some interesting people through my blog, interacted with many professionals who wanted to use some of the content here, and even sold a couple of items!

To end this serious note, I'd like to say thank you to my readers for following along throughout the years and supporting what I think is a pretty stupid hobby, but it brings a lot of laughs and entertains me immensely.

Now that we're done being serious, let's post some birthday shit that I've collected...


Happy Birthday - Voco

Voco Records wishes the blog a happy birthday and tells all of us to be merry, happy, and gay. Thanks a lot Voco, I really didn't need someone basically insisting that I get a birthday bump from a gay man. I get enough hate male telling me to go fuck myself, so that should be sufficient.

Listen to Happy Birthday


Happy Birthday Greetings from the Stars

Here we have three celebrities (two of which have come back from the grave) wishing the blog a happy birthday in the best way they know how. These are REAL celebrity messages, not cheap imitations like the Celebrity Answerall tapes.

This cassette is interesting. The box it comes in doubles as a package to mail the cassette in. Side 2 is blank so you can record your own message! Unfortunately, whoever owned this cassette previously didn't record their own message, so fuck them for not wishing the blog a happy birthday.

Listen to the Stars talk!

And finally, my gift to you. Way back in 1987 or 1988, my family had a dog. I can't remember which dog it was, but it was definitely a dog. To get tips on how to deal with said dog, we decided to start watching a public access show called "You & Your Dog. As a kid, I recorded everything I could and this was no exception.

The show did not go smoothly because of people phoning in and jacking around with the phone. Because of this, the show became permanently part of my video collection and helped develop my interest in collection unusual stuff.

So here it is!



I never realized (until I posted it on Youtube) that the song used for the opening and closing credits was an Allman Brothers song. I fucking hate the Allman Brothers.

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Album: Archie Presents Petite in Doggie in The Window

Yes! Another Uncle Bob record! Before I get to this album review, I figured I'd mention that three of the dummies that Uncle Bob did the voices for have apparently been put on display at the Manitoba Museum. Today was freebie day for members of a certain union (which I happen to belong to), so I figured I'd go and get a nice picture of them for this entry.

The Manitoba Museum is full of dead animals and Indian arrowheads. Very little has changed in the last 25 years since I've been to the museum, but they've certainly improved the security. When I got closer to an old piano to have a better look at it, an alarm started screaming like a pig having a cheese grater shoved up it's ass.

Just when I thought I was getting close to seeing my beloved creepy wooden dummies, I was greeted by more fucking dead animals. Yet again when I felt so close to seeing the puppets that I swore I heard Archie Wood giving a safety tip, I was bombarded by yet more goddam Indian arrowheads.

There's very little for me to see and enjoy at the Manitoba Museum, and I'm very thankful that I found free parking and didn't have to pay any money for the disappointment. Unfortunately, I wasted an hour of my life plowing through the boring displays of things I don't care about. Fuck the Museum.

Now then, lets get back to the album. I found it at an estate sale last weekend and it's in pretty damn good shape for how old it is and for it being a children's album. For those who are in the dark, Uncle Bob, Archie Wood, and Petite the Dog were on local television for a good 20 years entertaining children (including myself). I've previously reviewed the Funtown album and the Christmas album.

I'm pretty sure that this is the first album that Uncle Bob released. It took a total of four people to produce this album: one to play the organ, one to record the audio, one to take the cover picture, and one to voice the characters. That exactly how an album should be released! There's virtually nothing on the sleeve nor the label on what record company actually released this with the exception of it being distributed by Clay-Mor Sales.

Anyway, Uncle Bob generously graces us with more sped-up records to simulate Petite's supposed high pitched squeaky voice. You get to hear "Doggie In The Window" and "I Think I'll Eat A Tadpole" played on the wrong speed. All the other songs on the album are played on the granny organ and sung by Uncle Bob in his multi-talented voice along with his goofy sense of humor.

The track I chose off this album is the extremely terrible but funny rendition of "Home On The Range". The gloomy sound of the organ makes it sound like the deer and the antelope are all dead.

Listen to Home On The Range!

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Rovez Rocks The Mic

I found this computer a couple of weeks ago. It's mostly loaded with pictures and illegally downloaded movies. However, I found a few little gems on it. Meet Rovez:



This is the only picture I could find of Rovez. I wish it was clearer, but he's just rockin' the fuck out of that microphone, isn't he?

Anyway, Rovez recorded a number of tracks on this computer. There are multiple takes, so I chose the most complete ones to share with you. I'm pretty sure they're all originals. None of them had titles, so I took it upon myself to bless these creations with only the best song titles I could think of.

I also found a downloaded copy of the Autotune VST plugin. He desperately needs it, but instead of putting it on any of his songs, I left them in raw form since they're so much more entertaining!


Billionaire
It's such a pretty song about how Rovez wants to be famous. His wish is my command... Please welcome Rovez to Classical Gas Emissions!

Raindrops
Here, Rovez is missing his girlfriend. She probably left because he sang to her.

You Got Me Too
This is his longest song. I thought the lyric was "Every time I think of it I pinch myself". After a couple more listens, I've decided that it's actually "I piss myself".

I'm Fuckin' Sick
This is his shortest song. In fact, it's him rapping for a total of 9 seconds! I'm not sure what the message is that he's trying to convey, but it fails to reach me. All I've learned is that you little bitches is just fuckin' faggots!

Pacman
There's a little story behind this one. From the information I gathered, it seems that Rovez wanted to enter a freestyle rap contest. I found the actual MP3 he was rapping to and I also found an overdub track. Since I had the basic makings of a song, I mixed it together, threw some effects on it, edited it, and voila... I've got Rovez's big hit single! Make way for the mansion and the hot bitches!


Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed rummaging through Rovez's computer. I'm not sure when my next entry is going to be because it's time to re-vamp my PC again. Over the next little while, I'm going to be backing everything up, formatting, re-installing, and I've put together a nice file server which I've named "Jehovah". So forgive me for any delays, but I'll try to keep a few updates coming over the next little while.

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Satellite Wildfeeds 12/04/15

So I've found myself a new hobby... Searching for wildfeeds on the satellite dish. A wildfeed is basically an unscheduled broadcast which is transmitted to a satellite. Someone waits back on earth to receive the broadcast for whatever purpose they need it for. These feeds can be TV shows, sporting events, or live broadcasts. Mobile news vans use this method extensively when they're reporting live.

I have my dish aimed at SES1 101W because they (used to) have History Channel. Unfortunately, History got nuked and all I'm left with is a couple of Russian stations and the shitty Pentagon channel.

I stumbled across my first wildfeed while I was doing a blind scan out of boredom. When I saw that I had grabbed something interesting, I immediately started recording. Here's what I got:



This stuff is almost as good as public access TV! So lately, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for more unannounced goodies freely transmitting into my living room. Here's my second one:



This guy's hilarious!

There isn't much for interesting wildfeeds on youtube, so I'm hoping I can changed that. I've just won an ebay auction for a satellite dish motor so I'll be able to scan the skies for even more interesting stuff.

I finally have TV worth watching again :)

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American English Linguaphone Record

After a short break, it feels great to be writing in here again!

A few months back, I picked up an interesting record for 49 cents. This record is made by a company called "Linguaphone" which specializes in aids for learning new languages. Obviously, this one was to aid the student in learning English.

There's two things that make it odd. First of all, it must have been recorded sometime in the 1950s. Life isn't quite like the way it was back then! The second is the stories that the voice actors go through. They're completely unbelievable, and there is almost nothing for emotion in their voices!

So let us enjoy three of the best selections from this thing...

Car Trouble
Thank god for the crank when the battery fails!

Buying Cigarettes
Can't leave that one out! Six cigars, two pack of cigarettes, flints, and a box of matches for under five bucks.

A Visit To The Doctor
This guy should be fucking dead! Instead of admitting him to the hospital, he's been told to eat vegetables and take a nap.

Yes, this record has been brought to you by the most educational blog in Canada. Now you know how to speak proper English. Good thing they don't teach you how to spell since the label is full of typos.

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