Sunday, October 23, 2016

Scary Halloween Sounds

Guess what? I have enough stuff to make a Halloween entry this year! Halloween items are actually quite difficult to come across. Most of the time I'll have to skip over Halloween, but not this year! Well technically, almost everything I post is scary as hell, but when you take something scary and make it even more scary, it's DOUBLE scary! You'll have thoroughly pissed your pants by the end of this blog entry, so let's get it done with so I can laugh at you...

Famous Ghost Stories with Scary Sounds

Pickwick is one of those record labels who either puts out some really cool stuff, or bottom of the barrel garbage. I didn't have much hope for this one, but honestly it's quite well done! It's basically a collection of scary stories with a bunch of cheesy sound effects added into the mix. Most of the credit goes to a Pickwick employee named Wade Denning who produced this album, adapted some classic tales, and even wrote a few of his own. Some of the classic stories include The Headless Horseman by Washington Irving and The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe.

For this round, I chose to focus on a Wade Denning original called "A Visit to Transylvania". It's probably the lamest track on the album, but that's why we're here.

Listen to A Visit to Transylvania

Andy Forray - Drac's Back

This strange song combines a dumb idea with a groovin' disco beat! It's about Dracula going down to the discotheque to find his victims. He sings "I wanna suck your..." followed by a group of ladies singing "Ooooooh!" as if he actually wanted to suck on their pussies. Actually, I think that would have made a more interesting song idea than this one. The B-side is even worse with a dumb and uninteresting song called "Carry on Sharon" which has nothing to do with Halloween, and is therefore not included here.

Listen to Drac's Back

Hallmark Cards - The Sounds of Halloween

Hallmark Cards decided to make their mark on Halloween-themed merchandise by recording a bunch of shit and selling it to people stupid enough to shop at their expensive stores.

Side one is 20 minutes of some of the WORST sound effects I've ever heard in my life. These have been enhanced by a tape-echo effect and someone playing with the speed control on the tape recorder. The screaming is hilariously bad. I would love to see a video of the lame-o studio actors screaming into the microphone.

Side two has some exotically shitty covers of Halloween-esque songs. I've heard a lot of bad covers of Monster Mash, but this tape has the absolutely WORST version I've ever heard. The guy doing the vocals sounds like he smoked a goat turd and is flying higher than a kite. The backup singers fuck up the background vocals half-way through the song, and end up singing the wrong part. This makes the rest of the song sound awkward and stupid. The producers in the Hallmark recording studio must have just said "fuck it, the first take is good enough"

The cover of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" will have you laughing at the get-go. The guy making the howling noises mostly just sound like a drunken dipshit who thinks he can dance and sing. The vocals are done by a female, which has been typical for all the Michael Jackson covers I've heard. She does a decent job on the vocals, but the song becomes handicapped when the part originally done by Vincent Price is tackled by a guy who's scary voice would make grizzly bear fall over in hysterics.

Listen to Monster Mash
Listen to Thriller
Listen to Sounds of Halloween

That's it for this round! I'm going to be back on air with Kent Davies on November 16th. We'll be having a grand ol' time playing some of the terrible stuff I've found recently. If you're in Winnipeg, tune into 95.9 FM at 5:00. If you're not in Winnipeg, then I'm sure nobody will mind if you fly out here and stay at Kent's house for that day. He won't be home anyway.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Junq tour: Ashern 2016 (part 1)

Back in March, I was "sick" from an "accident". You can read that as "Ben pooped his pants and got a rash" if you wish, but it caused me to miss work for a few weeks. As part of my self-imposed therapy, I took a drive out to Ashern Manitoba and spent a few hours going through the piles of junk at the thrift store. I had obviously been a while since I was there, because I walked out with about 20 CDs (yes, only CDs) that looked absolutely atrocious. I've retained 14 of them for this entire visit. Since there was so much, I decided to break up the Ashern visit into two entries.

I found I had a couple of decent discs out of the batch, but the crap certainly outnumbers the good. Let's get started...

Brandon Beemish - Islandbeams

Might as well start this entry on a good note. Just think of it as enjoying a really fantastic meal before going to the toilet to eliminate your previous meal where you ate nothing but candy. You know it's going to be a really long one, so take pleasure in the good things before crunching your eyes shut, and enduring the pain of an extremely hard cluster of shit.

Brandon Beemish has recorded some wonderfully sugary-sweet power pop. I'm currently very much into power pop, so this stuff is just right up my alley. The music reminds me of a cross between The Shore and Josh Rouse. This is very summery music, so if there's an album you should play while laying on the beach, this is the one to get! I'm only going to post one song and leave it up to you to support the artist and get the rest of the album. Good artists deserve money for good work!

If you get a chance, go to his youtube channel and click HERE for his excellent cover of "Long Long Long" originally done by The Beatles.

As a side note, this album is going into my personal music collection. That doesn't happen very often, but this one deserves it!

Listen to So Softly! You won't be disappointed you did!

Razzmatazz For Kids

I really wished this was the Nazareth album. That would bring me much more joy.

You know things are starting to go downhill when we start singing about herpes. To be fair, this isn't the worst CD in the batch. The musicians sound mostly talented, even if none of them are members of Nazareth.

Everybody sing along now... I had the chicken pox (FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!)

Listen to Chicken Pox Blues!

Guardian Angel - Wind and the Sea

After the CDDB detected this disc as the cd single for "Ride" by The Vines, I was hoping it was a genuine error. No dice...

Sometimes I pick up albums that are still sealed and wonder why the previous owner did not open it and play it. They must be able to pick up vibes through the cellophane.

This CD has three songs that sound almost exactly the same and are the same length. Creativity stopped after the first song was written. The production work is terrible. If you've ever felt the need to vomit while meditating, I'll have no problem selling you my copy of this.

It was really difficult to figure out which version to give you for your listening pleasure, but it's all identical with the exception of things being mixed louder than others in each mix. Congrats to the guy who mixed this for discovering volume controls!

Listen to Guardian Angel by Guardian Angel!

"No Rewind" To Be - Released Fall 2007

So here's a nice lady named ""No Rewind" To Be". She seems nice. She likes to wear brown. She's not a natural red head. I'd tell you more about her, but there is absolutely nothing else to go on but the cover and the song titles written on the CD.

She has a nice voice, but she ruins the fuck out of "Let It Be" by The Beatles. Why do so many people feel the need to butcher this song? It's almost as popular as "The Rose" and "Bridge Over Troubled Water". If Paul McCartney were alive today, he would be certain to cut her leg off.

Listen to "Let It Be"

The Smudge Fundaes - Sing For Your Supper

It takes real balls to clone "Sadeness" by Enigma (with a hint of "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base) and turn it into a song called "Alex The Alligator".

These songs are supposed to be amusing and funny, but the people singing it sound like they need a couple of doses of Paxil to cheer them up. There is no happiness to be found in their voices, and I can't blame them when they're singing these crappy songs. I can't help but wonder how many members of The Smudge Fundaes have ended their lives.

Listen to Alex The Alligator
Listen to Coconuts

Lyle E Style - Singled Out

In the world of music, you have exactly 10 seconds to make an impression upon your audience. Lyle E Style decided to fill that 10 seconds with the sound of someone urinating on the sidewalk. This sums up his music quite well, since the lyrics are whiny and pissy. They are also very poorly written.

Here's a sampling of the garbage I've been subjected to. I'm guessing these are all first drafts:

So I drown my sorrow and swallow my tears
Hoping that this feeling will dissapear
But the very next morning, it's still the same
I wake up crying... Her name is Pain.


Girl take this heartache with you when you walk out that door
There's no sense trying again cause I can't take no more
When things go wrong once, they'll go wrong again
I've been around this world, there's other women


But princess you'd be fun
Come & play with me hon
Anytime, anywhere, name the place
And baby I'll be there
You'd be fun.


How am I going to live a Christmas without you here
It's hard to accept that now you're gone girl, I'm I'm filled with fear
Baby, can you hear me singing to you now?

So how many of you took your lives while reading that bullshit???

I like how he looks all tough on the album cover, and he's crying like a little bitch in his songs.

It's oh so difficult to choose a horrible song off a 4-track sampler when all 4 songs are pieces of depressing shit. So I picked the one with the bad pick-up lines in it.

Listen to You'd Be Fun

Major Conrad Flapps - World in a Flapp: Musical Take-Offs From Around The World

You just know the album is going to be awful when you have a clown pilot on the album cover and he's named after the act of masturbation. It's a shame that he wasn't clowning around (or fapping) while flying his plane, leading to a horrendous crash before recording this album. On the plus side, with all the violent clowns in the news lately, Mr. Fapps probably has limited time left on this Earth to be putting out shitty albums.

Allow me to summarize what you're about to hear...

Flafrica - You won't be missing the rains down in Africa with this song. It sounds like awful taco bell jungle music. The animals in the jungle consist of one stupid clown pilot making unknown animal mating calls and fart noises. The name of the song is the joining of "Flatulent" and "Africa" - a true masterpiece of shit!

Sakura - If your children like smoking weed, this is a great stoner song to help them on their trip!

Cross Walk Jive - If you like good rapping, go to another website and listen to something else. This song absolutely hurts my brain, and it's SIX FUCKING MINUTES LONG.

I'm only guessing that this album is aimed at children, but I cannot imagine how ANY child, regardless of how developed (or underdeveloped) their brain is, would enjoy this album. My girlfriend flipped me the bird when I told her to take this CD to her daycare.

Listen to Flafrica
Listen to Sakura
Listen to Cross Walk Jive

I'll get part 2 up shortly, but I'd like to get a Halloween entry up this year. There's always more horribleness on the way, so keep your eyes peeled!

Friday, August 26, 2016

First Spin from Three Sealed Children's Albums

When I'm looking for records to post (or records to buy in general), quality is a major factor in whether I purchase them or not. I'm not going to throw a piece of sandpaper onto my turntable just because it's a rare piece of sandpaper. Records have to meet a certain quality standard before I buy them. Unquestionably, still sealed is the highest quality you can get. What is extremely rare is finding children's albums that are still sealed. Most children (like me 30 years earlier) ended up destroying their records by leaving them on the floor, in the sun, and had no problem grabbing the beautiful black vinyl with popsicle-juice-covered fingers and carving their names on it with a rusty pair of scissors. Records that I had from my childhood were largely unplayable.

Today I present three formerly still-sealed children's albums. They are formerly still-sealed because I wanted to give them their first pass with the needle while transferring them digitally. Giving a vinyl record it's first play is a truly magical experience because it sounds crisp and clean. Records end up sounding shittier with every play, so the first play is most certainly something to cherish.

So join me for the first play of these "classic" records. They won't disappoint!

Care Bears Movie Soundtrack

I had this album when I was a kid, so it was a great pleasure to find it sealed in cellophane. This is by far the best sounding record out of the bunch.

One thing that's very noteworthy about this album is that the song "Home Is In Your Heart" is different from the movie version. The mix here is much nicer, but the voice of Lionheart has been replaced with some old dude with a really cool low voice. A lot of people on the internet have complained about the album version for not including the movie recording, but that guys voice is amazing! If you have a vagina, put it up to your speaker, turn up the bass, and play this Care Bears song. The guy with the low voice will give you an orgasm that blasts you all the way to Care-a-Lot!

Carole King and John Sebastian (from The Lovin' Spoonful) also make vocal contributions here. John Sebastian did all the campy stuff on here, but if you've ever heard him talk, campy should've been his middle name. The Carole King song "Care-a-Lot" is pretty as hell - well at least for 1985. Actually, I find the Care Bears song quality (as campy as it may be) to be some of the catchiest songs I've ever heard.

Now check out how clean the vinyl sounds!

Listen to Home Is In Your Heart
Listen to Care-a-Lot
Download the album

The Starlight Children's Chorus - E.T. I Love You and Other Extra-Terrestrial Songs for Children

I'm quite hard-pressed to find extra-terrestrial songs for adults, but perhaps I haven't been looking hard enough. This record is bizarre. It was also pressed on the shittiest vinyl they could find. It's hard to believe this is a first play compared to the Care Bears album, and they're both on the same record label. The last song has groove-farting at the end. I was quite surprised by the amount of noise on this record and it caused me to question whether or not I was hallucinating when I carved the hole in the cellophane.

While shining a light on the record, I was able to see some light scratching on both sides. I know this didn't come from my mis-handling of the record. Someone at the record factory must have dropped it onto the floor before putting it into the sleeve. Thanks a lot, you stupid clumsy asshole! I hope you died while choking on Reese's Pieces in 1984!!

The first two songs are fucking weird. (I previously mentioned "E.T. I Love You" here). The E.T. Overture is just some kid who got into their parents' drug stash. The best song has got to be "Please Phone Ring-a-Ling". The kid answering the phone desperately needs therapy from the alien probe lodged into his ass two weeks before recording this album.

The song "E.T. I Love You" is actually a cover which was originally done by Buckner & Garcia. The song was rejected from the movie. You can hear the original version here. If you want to do one better, some really talented guy with his acoustic guitar covered it here.

Even though it's not really that clean, I'm putting the recordings up anyway.

Listen to E.T. Overture
Listen to Please Phone Ring-a-Ling
Download the album

Mini Pops Wanna Have Fun

Of course I saved the best for last!

I missed out on getting this Mini Pops album as a child, and I've been trying to find a decent copy of it since 1987. Who knew that I'd get a mint copy of it at age 38! I didn't miss out on much. This was the first Mini Pops offering on Quality records, and it's not very good. There's lots of Medleys to be had, and the songs that aren't medleys are of medley length. I only remembered them hacking down one song on their previous albums. It was "Abracadabra" by the Steve Miller band, and it was hacked down for good reason. A young boy shouldn't be singing about black panties with an angel's face.

Anyway, we're back to the nice clean and crisp vinyl again! There were no evil surprises here, except for the atrocious cover of "Smooth Operator". I'm also throwing the Madonna Medley at you for just plain fun. Surprisingly, the Madonna Medley isn't much different from real Madonna.

Listen to the Medley with Smooth Operator
Listen to the Madonna Medley
Download the album

And now I'm off to babysit my very sore, itchy feet and hands. I also have to clean all the blister juice off my keyboard. See you next time when I'm feeling better!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Garage Sale Finds (July 9, 2016)

I figured I'd do something a bit different this time around. I figured I'd post about all the stuff I found on one day of cruising garage sales. This was a particularly eventful day, but I'm going to focus on things I found at three different locations.

Cassette of Parent with Babies

This guy was selling a whole bunch of cassettes, and I ended up buying four of them. One was full of useless crap, two are going to be saved for future entries, so this is the only one left.

The guy was very desperate to get rid of his cassettes. He showed me a box of them and told me I could have them for five dollars without even going through them. I denied him the privelege of unloading this pile of tapes on me to save my five dollars, and that ended up being a mistake in the end. He had some of his old Hi8 Video Cassettes of home movies in there! I pointed them out while going through the box. I should've just loaded them in my hand an paid him 25 cents each, but I didn't. Perhaps I felt a bit guilty of buying his home videos to put on Youtube. See! I do have a conscience sometimes!

Anyway, here's a recording of him enjoying time with his new born children. This was recorded sometime in the mid-1980s.


At a different garage sale there was a couple selling some fairly old items. I had the opportunity to buy an old accordian for $30, but I turned it down. Instead, I bought a few other stupid items... Like these satanic easter bunnies!

These satanic bunnies are standing in real, hand-decorated eggs. The bunnies are unfortunately missing their stabbing knives.

I also came across these two small plastic televisions:

So, what's the purpose of these? Well, they're just like Viewmasters! You know, those binocular-looking things you put discs into. However, these were custom-made by a company called "Plastiskop" who made them out of someone's photographs. When I Googled the company, I was shocked and excited to find that they still existed, and they still make these little Viewmaster TVs!

Click here to get your own made!

The ones I have date back around 1970. I wanted to post the pictures of the Winnipeg one (I could care less what Vierzehnheiligen looked like back then). But how does one go about posting the pictures inside? Well, it's simple...

First you take the cover off the back...

Then you throw the disc on your slide scanner, and voila! You get pictures!

Here's one of the Paddlewheel Queen which I talked about in the last entry:

The pictures aren't as clear as when you look at them through the eyepiece, but that's probably a limitation of the scanner. Still, I think they turned out pretty good. The frames look slightly larger than a frame of a Super8 film.

Anyway, if you love old pictures of Winnipeg, then you'll enjoy these. If you don't give a shit about Winnipeg, feel free to move onto the next topic...

Coloring Books

It's time for your favourite activity! Grab your crayons, stick them in your ears, and enjoy looking at these atrocious late-80s coloring pages. You can tell that the 1980s were full of child molesters and children playing with matches instead of tablet computers. I shall keep my comments to myself regarding the individual pages. Trust me, they say plenty!

This particular garage sale was filled with vintage stuff that I enjoyed as a child. However, I ended up purchasing the most laughable things.

In case you're wondering about the two different spellings "Color" and "Colour", one is the Canadian spelling. I don't know which one it is, and I don't really care.

Ronald McDonald's Fire Safety Colouring Book

McDonalds used to pimp the hell out of Ronald and his buddies. Now I barely see him anywhere. This colouring book promises loads of fun!

The ABCs of Growing Up Safely

This book should've been called "The ABCs of Growing Up Paranoid". In case you're wondering, yes it came with the free safety poster. It's not all that exciting, so I didn't post it. The Gargamel sticker on the front just warms my cold, cold heart. Enjoy learning how to be paranoid about child molesters while you color your ass off!

Sorry... I meant color your "parts covered by your underwear" off.

New Kids On The Block Coloring Book

Yeah! Now we're into the good stuff! This is campy as fuck, corny as fuck, and laughable as fuck. It attempts to tell a story about the NKOTB being late for a concert because they were busy helping a hospital raise money. Can they do no wrong??? Perhaps putting out terrible albums was their only sin.

Have a good laugh!

It's been an extremely busy summer, but I have a few (almost) completed entries in queue. They'll eventually get posted as I get time to work on them. Winter is only a few short weeks away, so I'll be busy putting up more stuff.

Until then, enjoy your crayons (hopefully without eating them)