Sunday, November 19, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Winkler

Ah, Winkler. You and Morden are the heart of the Christian Wheat Belt with your 300 churches or however many you're up to now. Eventually, you'll have one church per family which will help promote true Christian unity!

Let's get to the junk I bought...

Winkler MCC

The Hillside Singers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing

Whenever I'm flipping through things in the bins at thrift stores, certain words will grab my attention such as "demo", "original", "test", and "penis". Although the word "penis" isn't anywhere on this record, the word "test" certainly grabbed my attention. This is a commercial release, although not an extremely popular one. The word "test" made me wonder what was inside. Could it be an original test pressing? Could it be someone's testes? Well... no.

The person who owned this was just testing a paint pen on this record so they could make wedding decorations. I guess I'll never know how well The Hillside Singers performed "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" since the track is covered in hand-drawn hearts. My life will never be complete.

Art Mutcher's Stardust

An album featuring old men with saxophones! Lots of cover songs! This is one of those albums that could have gone either way. To be honest, they play very well, and whoever recorded this CD did a very good job. However, they do better when playing instrumental versions of songs. Their rendition of the Irish Rovers' "Wasn't That a Party" is a bit underwhelming.

Listen to Wasn't That a Party

Singers - Faith To Live By

Well... It has 24 songs! How can any album with 24 songs be terrible? Quantity over quality!

The font used for the track listing is very small and hard to read. The insert orders you to watch Vision TV on Sunday at 2pm, but gives no consequences. There's also a mailing address so you can tell them how much you hate this CD!

This album overstates the obvious. Calling your group "Singers" is like lovingly calling your wife "Companion". I pesonally like to call this album "Crap". While I was paying this CD, my cat came into the room, howling as if there was something very wrong. Perhaps the lady (and I'm only assuming it is a lady) was stabbed in the heart by her joy for Jesus, and is wailing in pain.

Listen to There's Within My Heart a Melody

Gospel Echoes Team

What a strange name for a Thrift store! Let's see how much crap I can get echoing out of your computer speakers...

Special Believercise

I honestly don't know what draws me to pick up Christian exercise albums. Maybe it's the fact that you really don't know what you're going to get. I've picked up others in the past and they usually have something not quite right about them. This one is no exception.

On the plus side, it came with poster-size diagrams on how to do the exercises. This is so much better than watching a fitness video! I mean, why would you buy a fitness video when you can look at a stupid poster instead?

So here's what's odd about this record. First, the songs contained on this album are from real Christian artists as opposed to instrumental versions. Second, this isn't one of those non-stop exercise albums. There are gaps between each song, so you have to take a break while you wait for the silence to end. God forbid the thing starts skipping, because you will exercise to your very death along with your unborn child. Third, this is a demo copy used for promotional use only. How the hell do you demonstrate a pregnant exercise record?

The fun part of this album is the instructor. She sounds strangely seductive, and oddly recites the occasional lyric. Because I'm a fucking pervert, I decided to focus on the inner thighs. Join me in the fun!

Listen to Innner Thighs (aka Love of my Life by Kathy Troccoli)

Willie & Rodi Longenecker - How Firm a Foundation

It's nice to see that George Clooney found Jesus.

From the Liner Notes:

"This recording comes as a testimony of what God can do through the heart music of the older generation."

If this is "Heart Music", I think I want a transplant.

Listen to "How Firm a Foundation"

Dr. James Dobson - Prepareing For Adolescence

I'm sure it's absolutely no problem to sit your pre-teen child down so they can listen to six tapes on how hormones are going to completely fuck them up. I have no clue what's on the first one because it's missing. My life shall forever be incomplete.

The only one I listened to was the one on sexual development, simply because I'm immature and haven't gone through puberty yet. The guy on the tape told me not to laugh, but I did anyway. It was even more funny when the guy on the tape talked about "pooberty". I'm also a bit skeptical about the guy on the tape being a real doctor. I don't consider people who attend bible college to be real doctors.

However, I have to give Mr. Tape Doctor props on one thing... He tells the kids listening to these tapes to masturbate as much as they want. He claims that God created the need to fuck, and masturbation is part of that need, so God wants you to spank your monkey and play with your clitorus. Thanks, God!

Listen to a clip about your changing body
Listen to a clip about sexual development
Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

Serenade - 2005

Well, these ladies can sing. The music is Casiotastic. The mixing and production was done by Jim & Kate Sanderson. In other words, it took two people to fuck up the overall sound on this disc. Some effects on the vocals would have made this sound a little more rounded out, but instead everything just sounds flat and cardboardy. But "Serenade" obviously doesn't care about that, because they thank Jim & Kate in the liner notes.

Listen to Yes I Believe

The Dyck Family - I Belong To The King

So this is a family of Dycks. More specifically children Dycks. They can't fucking sing either.

From the inlay: "We hope that as you are listening to this recording, you'll understand that we want to give all praise and glory to the Lord for it is written; "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord"

This is a joyful noise? It sounds like the crushing of a kitten's ribcage. The Lord must be a sick person to enjoy the sound of that.

Listen to The Love That Brought Jesus

Our next stop in the Christian Wheat Belt is... Morden! A whole five minute drive away!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Altona

Prepare for a barrage of Junq Tour entries! I took a solid week of evenings and prepared all the audio and images, so I should be able to bang the next 7 entries out like nothing.

This past summer, I took two days and did a tour of the thrift stores in the Christian Wheat Belt. And dear God, did I come out with some "interesting" "treasures". I also recorded video of my trip which I'll get posted once I have all the entries up.

Altona expanded their thrift store since the last time I was there. The place is huge! They were able to stash away lots of shitty albums which probably have been sitting there for a good year... until I went and bought them.

Eleanore Glover

I decided to start off by letting the deadly stare from this lady make you feel guilty for even thinking of reading this blog entry. Her music is completely uninteresting which is why I didn't bother with a clip. However, that look from her will burn the shit out of your soul, and make you wish you hadn't ever though of undressing her with your eyes. Well... at least I thought about it.

Juanita Clayton - Bridges: The Yodeling Farmer's Daughter

This yodeling lady from Manitoba brings us a whole tape of yodeling songs. For some unknown reason, this album was recorded in Kansas City. I guess that's just where an album of yodeling SHOULD be recorded. It's nice and far away from here, and it'll help raise tensions between Canada and the USA.

In all fairness, there's nothing too terrible here. I included the dumbest song of the bunch for your yodeling enjoyment. It's about a yodeling dog. I'm sure your dog will enjoy singing along.

Listen to Kitty Cat Love

Corey Friesen Pianist - Piano Classics

Corey Friesen is an amazing penist. Unfortunately, this album was recorded in the bathroom. This means that instead of getting a beautiful influx of music, you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit while someone in the next room is playing a piano. I also have no clue who's thumping around in that room, because... well you're not going to get up in the middle of your shit to find out what the fuck is going on.

Listen to Study in A Flat Major

1999-2000 New Hope School Choir - One Place We All Belong

What do you get when you have a room full of tone-deaf kids singing along to a Casio keyboard? Then answer is: A riddle you want to forget was ever asked, but then I give you the tragic result.

This atrocity was arranged by someone named Sandra Mae Reimer. I think the title of "music teacher" is fairly inappropriate in this case. These kids obviously didn't learn anything. Sandra is more of a "chaos synchronizer".

Listen to Land of the Silver Birch

Joannie Wurst - Sings Her Favorite Country Hymns

Joannie The Worst really tries hard to do a good job singing her religious music, but the upside down pentagram above her has caused her to become worried. It also looks like someone cut the microphone wire, which they should have done before hitting the record button

I also picked up the album "Country Says It Best", but it's more of the same boring crap.

I would really like to know where Joannie found the time machine she used to retrieve her wardrobe from the year 1921.

Listen to What a Friend

Sandra Rae Reimer - Marching 800 Miles: Song Written for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police: March West Reenactment: Summer 1999

Some very memorable re-enactments of famous historic events have taken place in history. This is not one of them, but we got a shitty song out of it. Our favourite chaos synchronizer, Sandra Mae Reimer threw this piece of shit together too! Judging from the fact that both this and the other tape are from 1999, those awful tone-deaf kids are making yet another appearance.

The song itself isn't bad, but those meddling kids ruined everything.

Listen to Marching 800 Miles

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Country Memories

Seriously, how the fuck does this guy sell so many albums? I've have TONS of them, and they're all different! I've been meaning to compile a nice discography for our dear friend Weird Kevin, but he was kind enough to put one in the inlay of this cassette. This tells me that Kevin has put out a MINIMUM OF FOURTEEN ALBUMS! Where the hell does Weird Kevin get the time to shit out so many of these things??? Not only that, I know I have one recorded by his parents! His family get-togethers must have been recording sessions.

Weird Kevin drags his wife onto this album and records another pile of country crap. It's the same old stuff I keep seeing covered by everybody and their damn dog. Keep squeezing them out, Kevin!

Listen to You Are My Sunshine

Maria Heinrichs - This World Is Not My Home

Following in the footsteps of Kurt Cobain's "I Hate Myself and Want To Die", Maria records an album full of suicidal music. With songs such as "Shall We Gather At The River", "Are You Washed", and "Revive Us Again", this album will have you headed for the nearest bridge so you can jump to your watery death.

Not only that, Maria's terrible voice combined with her Casio Keyboard will give you even more incentive to end your life. THIS TAPE IS REALLY FUCKING HORRIBLE! If you hate all the birds flying around in your yard, just play this tape really loud and let's Maria's lack of talent kill them off.

Listen to Revive Us Again

James MacPherson - A Song of Hope (Chrissie's Melody)

It's a shame that those with advanced ALS can't speak, and therefore cannot tell this guy to stop fucking singing. It isn't fair to those who are already suffering to torture them even more with this shitty song.

Dear ALS Society of Canada: If you're going to have a fundraiser song, make it something that will sell more copies and make people feel like they didn't waste their money. The fact that this is the first time I've seen this cassette since it's release in the late 1990s makes me believe that all the others you sold were thrown directly into the trash. Our landfills are weeping.

Listen to A Song of Hope

Teena & Deb & Bruce - No Frills Volume One Jus" Jamming

Here's another bunch of miserable old country songs sung by a bunch of miserable old people. Judging from the cover, this trio intended to put out more than one of these recordings, but I have my doubts.

For those who didn't kill themselves from listening to Maria Heinrichs, this might be the one that gives you that little extra push. Yes, I plan on having absolutely nobody reading this blog by the time I'm done with this instalment of the Junq Tour.

Listen to Across The Wild Moar

The Sunshine Rays - 1991

It took four people to record this album, and none of them perform at the same time on any of these songs. It's like each of them said, "fuck you, I'm gonna perform the songs I want!" Also, one of the four people is Helen Heinrichs, who obviously inspired her daughter Maria to record that piece of crap I covered earlier.

There's 22 songs on this fucking tape. Who insisted that the world needed 22 songs by this group of old farts?

Listen to When My Blue Moon Turns

Ed && Nettie Friesen - Gospel 1

Ed & Nettie woke up one day and decided to record an album of their favourite songs together to celebrate their love for each other and their love for God. So they came up with a bunch of songs, got out their tape recorder they bought at Sears, and got to work. Nettie took the lead on most of the songs because she was clearly the more talented of the two

Half way through recording the album, Nettie died.

The album, which was supposed to be a celebration of happy times turned into a miserable, depressing memorial tribute. The album starts off with Ed giving the eulogy at his deceased wife's funeral. Following that, Ed performs a song he wrote for his now dead wife. Without Nettie's talent to hold the song together, the whole thing just sounds like a dog thrown into a meat grinder. You don't get to hear Nettie until track four (which is where Ed sounds much happier), but by this point you're too depressed to even bother with the rest of the album.

Listen to Song For Nettie 2
Download the whole strange and miserable thing!

There's more horrible horrors coming your way from two thrift stores in Winkler!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

A Joey Gregorash Retrospective

Joey Gregorash first entered my life back in 1987 when he was hosting the TV show "S'kiddle Bits". I was in the perfect age group (9 years old) to be part of the targeted audience. It was a live local show in Winnipeg which was broadcast at 12:00 every weekday, which I would watch when I came home for lunch. Little did I know at the time (or even for years afterwards) that Joey had a much more expansive set of talents and history.

In 1964, Joey started off as a drummer in a band called "The Mongrels". After the original singer's mom pulled him from the band, Joey took over vocal duties. The band released four songs on Franklin Records between 1968-1969.

Listen to My Woman
Listen to Sitting In The Station
Listen to Funny Day
Listen to Good Good Man (Death of a Salesman)

Joey quit the band in 1969 and decided to pursue a solo career, and the Mongrels continued on without him (and totally sucked ass).

Joey began releasing singles for the Polydor label, his first one being "Tomorrow, Tomorrow" (more on this later).

Joey eventually released his first full length album "North Country Funk" along with the single "Jodie" which became a huge Canadian success, and rightly so. The song kicks ass. He eventually ended up with another hit from the album, a cover (and in my opinion a better version) of Neil Young's "Down By The River" which earned him a Juno award. If you're going to buy any of Joey's albums, North Country Funk is the one you should get. It's a very enjoyable album.

Listen to Sugar Ride

Joey's follow up album came a year later titled "Tell The People". Although the songwriting is still good, the production work is garbage and the entire album sounds very dated. To help boost sales, Polydor plopped the song "Down By The River" on this album as well, albeit the edited single version. The album didn't do as well, and Joey ended his recording career and pursued other projects, mainly in radio.

Listen to Take The Blindness

In 1987 (possibly late 1986) Joey started hosting a live family-oriented television show called "S'kiddle Bits", essentially filling a gap that was left by Bob Swartz (aka Uncle Bob / Mayor Bob) and his TV shows "Archie Wood & Friends" and "Funtown" (I posted his albums here, here, here, and here).

S'kiddle Bits showcased local talent, local events, and humorous educational song parodies and skits. It was a lot of entertainment packed into half an hour! Joey was usually seated on a set that was dubbed "the attic" where he would relay information, broadcast birthdays, lost pets and answer callers trying to guess the "whatchamacallit" for a prize.

Listen to Ice Maker (parody of "Day Tripper" by The Beatles)
Listen to the Anti-Smoking Song (parody of "When The Going Gets Tough" by Billy Ocean)

Joey also apparently autographed copies of The Minipops' Magic Jukebox, which according to the episode I posted, he gave away on his show. The only reason I know this is Joey's autograph is because I had met him at The Red River Ex where he was signing autographs. I unfortunately no longer have mine, but his autograph was unique enough to remember.

Download the Minipops Magic Jukebox album!

While Joey was busy with S'kiddle Bits, he accidentally ended up with a hit song. He had recorded a limited 45 RPM pressing of song called "Love Will Bring It Together" as a charity fundraiser for the Children's Hospital. (The S'kiddle Bits theme song is directly derived from this song.) For a B side, he had previously re-worked a version of his song "Tomorrow, Tomorrow" which was called "Together (The New Wedding Song) which he performed once at a friend's wedding. A local radio station had a copy of the record and decided to play the B-side. Requests came pouring in, and the popularity of the song spread across Canada. The song absolutely deserved to become a hit. It's well written, well, produced, catchy, memorable, and is a staple for weddings in Canada.

To my knowledge, there are two versions of the song in existence. The originally released Canadian version from 1984, and a remixed US version from 1989.

Listen to Tomorrow, Tomorrow (the original incarnation of "Together")
Listen to Together (original mix)
Listen to Together (remixed version)
Listen to Love Will Bring It Together (the original A-side)

In 1991, Quality Records released a compilation called "The Wedding Album: Songs that Say "I Love You"". From the look of it, it was just an excuse to release the song "Together" on compact disc. However, there are three other recordings by Joey on the album, two of them being cover songs. The cover songs seem have a lack of enthusiasm from Joey, and I wouldn't blame him. They're not very good covers. I also wouldn't exactly classify Roy Orbison's "Only The Lonely" as a wedding song. The song "Let's Go Home" is decent enough though.

Listen to Can't Help Falling In Love
Listen to Only The Lonely
Listen to Let's Go Home

However, Joey's enthusiasm returned in 1991 with his final album to date entitled "Bop & Rock with Joey". The album is aimed at kids who enjoyed watching S'kiddle Bits, although it only contained (to my knowledge) one song from the show which was "I Just Want To Play Hockey". The version on Bop & Rock is a re-recorded version, and in my opinion inferior to the one used on S'kiddle Bits.

Bop & Rock consists of both cover songs and original material. The album, although directed at children, is more than tolerable at a musical standpoint. It seems that Joey is always at his best when doing things for the benefit of others, namely children and charities. However, I don't think the album sold very well due to it being released at the tail-end of the S'kiddle Bits run. Copies are hard to come by.

Listen to Rag Doll
Download the entire album!

To my knowledge, there are three different versions of "I Just Want To Play Hockey". There's the original S'kiddle bits version, a version on "Bop & Rock", and a version released on the "Hockey Rock" compilation which was a fundraiser for "Winnipeg Jets Goals for Kids". All three have slightly different lyrics (and if you listen to them, you'll hear why).

Listen to the S'kiddle Bits version
Listen to the Bop & Rock version
Listen to the Hockey Rock version

S'kiddle Bits was eventually re-named "Hi Noon", was given a country & western theme, and had some dog puppet thing added in, all of which in my opinion ruined the show's initial family-oriented cozy charm. The show was cancelled a year later and replaced with something boring.

Joey still works locally in the entertainment industry. The last time I saw him was introducing the band "The Ventures" when I went to see them live at one of the local casinos.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this collection of rare and odd things that I've spent years collecting. I used to have more clips from S'kiddle Bits such as "We'll Take Your Garbage In The Morning (parody of Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton), "Call On Me Cause I Know My Wires" (parody of Play With Fire by The Rolling Stones), but unfortunately the videotape disappeared a long time ago. What you see is what I own, and I still wish I had more. Joey's first two albums are currently in print, although expensive and a bit hard to find, which is why I kept my samplings from these recordings minimal. If you like what you hear, please purchase these items. To my knowledge, everything else is out of print, hard to find, and I may be the only one who owns copies of some of this stuff. (Did I mention how pissed off I was when the CBC used the Bus Driver song from someone else's youtube channel? I angrily messaged the guy and he took it down, but I'll never gain back the views he stole.) If you're aware of something that is back in print, please send me an email so I can link to it. Good artists deserve money!

I have a lot of respect for Joey. The guy made a living doing all the things he enjoyed... Unlike this blog which I enjoy doing but pays me nothing. May he have many more good and enjoyable years ahead of him! There's a bit more information on his site, which you can visit here.

And fear not, there shall be a slew of posts coming your way as I finish documenting the 2017 Junq Tour!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Barbie's Terrible Albums

Since I've been home sick, I've taken the opportunity to make myself feel worse and review some Barbie albums. I honestly think that leaving Barbie's personality and voice to the imagination of the child playing with the doll was in the best interest of Mattel, but what the hell do I know? I'm a boy and I don't play with dolls.

So let's see what Barbie has to offer in terms of music, shall we?

Barbie World Tour Party Mix

I'm failing to understand the purpose of this album. The only thing Barbie related about this CD is that her name is on the cover and the disc. The first thing you hear when you play it is a male voice that doesn't belong to One Direction singing a song by One Direction. I immediately thought, "Oh, is this Ken singing like he did back in the 1970s?" The answer is no. Neither Ken nor Barbie's voices appear anywhere on here (at least as far as the album credits inform me, and even those are vague).

It's just a bunch of stupid studio musicians performing awful pop songs that were popular in 2012. You get songs by Carly Rae Jespen, Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and a bunch of other shitty artists that nobody will remember in 20 years.

Choosing a song from here was difficult, because they're all terrible. I went with the Bruno Mars song, simply because he's a bit more respectable than everyone else who's covered on this disc. I can't really tell if this is a good version or not because I don't know this song, and I don't really care to know it. Thankfully, Bruno got better over the years.

Listen to Just The Way You Are

Barbie Hit Mix 2

I don't have Hit Mix 1, nor do I think I want to buy it. This is pretty much the same garbage as the World Tour Party Mix, except I actually know a few of these songs. If your wondering why the cover looks like a pixelated mess, it's because it's half covered in glitter, and glitter doesn't scan worth a damn. However, it makes Barbie look like she's in desperate need of dental work.

The inlay contains some "fun" stuff to do. You get instructions on how to plan your perfect pop star party.

Honestly, I think the promise of lip gloss and tons of hair accessories would make me want to stay home from this party.

In step 3, I'm instructed to visit and use the Fashion Fever Dream Closet. Unfortunately, it seems to have vanished. However, I ended up getting side-tracked by playing the Barbie Potty Race. I shit you not!

Your goal is to get your little sister to the toilet before she shits and pisses herself. When you are successful, this is what happens:

Yes, she lays a brown egg and allows it to swim in a golden pool of disgustingness. You can easily kill 10-15 minutes by playing the game here.

Since the music on the album is credited to NOBODY, you get to claim the fame for yourself! You are given instructions on how to choose your band name:

I ended up with "Super Rocket Party" which sounds like a bunch of naked guys fucking each other in the ass. For your sausage fest, I figured the cheap imitation Gwen Stefani song was a prime choice cut.

Listen to Hollaback Girl

Barbie Country Favorites

Yeah! Now we're talking! Barbie actually DOES SOMETHING other than having her name plastered onto an album of cheap imitations! Ken is here too! Too bad he's plays absolutely no significance in the story.

Here's what you get... Five songs, one is repeated, and a story about Barbie visiting Bar-B Ranch. Barbie is NOT the owner of the ranch. For some reason, a guy named "Cactus Clem" gave it that name. After Barbie calls him "Mr. Cactus", five minutes of the album is wasted while he laughs at how stupid Barbie is.

The plot of the story is that Barbie brings her horse Dallas (yes, Mattel made one) and they spontaneously plan on entering her in the horse show. A storm comes during the night and the horse runs away while Ken and Barbie are sleeping in separate rooms. It's clear that Ken wasn't getting any pussy while they were visiting the ranch.

The next morning, they go out searching for the horse. To their horror, they discover Dallas has been turned into glue. Everybody cries, they sing country music, and the album is over.

My favourite part of the album is when Ken says, "Oh come on Barbie, you've GOT to know SOMETHING!" Barbie's such a dumb bitch.

Two of the songs are covers of old traditional songs, one is a parody of John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy", and the other two are crappy originals.

Download The Album!

Listen to Thank God I'm a Country Girl
Listen to Betsy From Pike
Listen to Dallas, Come Home
Listen to Don't Let Go
Listen to My Darlin' Clementine

Honestly, all this Barbie music has made me feel worse. Time to go get wasted on some cough medicine.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Music for Moving, Praising, Pumping and Thrusting

Well it's about bloody time I made another blog entry, isn't it? I guess I shall explain myself... I've been in the process of selling my current house and buying a new one. I'd forgotten how stressful all of this was, but I found myself a nice piece of land that I just had to have. The only drawback is the new house is about the same size as my current one, but I should have enough money to build a decent addition onto it. In other words, I'm going to get a new space to do my blogging and my videos. It became evident that it was needed as well. I get possession at the beginning of September.

This is probably going to be the year that I've blogged the least. Go figure that it's Classical Gas Emissions' 10th anniversary year, and I wanted to pour a lot more content into it. However, the good news is that I'm eventually going to have some new and much-needed space for blogging and videos. Unfortunately, that new space won't happen until late 2018, but that's not to say I won't be able to do it in the space that I'm going to have. It'll just be a bit cramped until next summer when I can get the addition built onto my house. So over the next few months, updates will continue to be slow as I pack all my shit for moving.

However, blogging has never been easier since I have pre-selected items for entries! This time around, I've plucked some exercise tapes. We've got some pumping, thrusting, and contracting to get your balls and tits all sweaty! Let's get down to business...

Integrity Music Fitness - Praise Workout 1

The luscious blonde on the cover can work me out anytime she wants! Too bad she probably believes in keeping her virginity until marriage.

I'm not really sure why these cassettes even exist. I mean, can't Christians just pray to God and ask for their fat to fall off their body? I suppose that's not how it works. They just have to ask God for the dedication to exercise and play this tape every day. That's probably not how it works either though.

This is all over-the-top gospel music that is supposed to help get your halo in shape and exercise your faith. We have exciting song titles such as "Give Unto The Lord" , "Bless The Lord", "Blessed Be The Lord", "Jesus Christ Is Lord" and "For The Lord He Is Great". Lyrical creativity is at an all time high as you can see.

This cassette doesn't come with a poster or instructions or anything, so I'm guessing your workout consists of fainting to the ground and getting back up repeatedly, for the Lord He is great.

Listen to "All Of My Life"

Get In Shape Girl - Pump'n Run

This cassette was released by Hasbro sometime in the 1980s. In other words, it was directed at parents who had fat daughters. She would open it up at Christmas as a message from Santa that she was a tubby little donut, and it would be a contrast to the box of milk chocolates that she ended up pigging out on regardless because her feelings were hurt. Like Santa isn't a fat fuck himself.

The title of the cassette was derived from an overweight girl's fate as a teenager. If she doesn't get in shape (girl), her destiny is dating boys who'll just pump and run.

As you can see, the chubby little princess who owned this cassette put tape over the record-protect holes, and she recorded some songs from the radio, probably while eating a bag of potato chips. Nevertheless, she didn't fill the tape, so I was able to get some of the original recording digitized.

Side B is in French for those girls who ate too many french fries, and Hasbro used a horrible duplication plant which left the French side bleeding through to the English side. So if you're French and into Satanism, you'll have no problem hearing all the backwards messages.

Listen to Get In Shape Girl

Fitness Fun For Everyone K-3

I bought this at a yard sale, solely for the interesting titles listed on the tape. It's a workout program for school-aged children and was obviously recorded from an LP, probably using an old Califone record player and tape deck. I'd love to get a set of those just for the notalgia.

The "songs" or "workouts" are very short, and I've included the ones with the most amusing titles for your enjoyment.

Listen to Abdominal Pumping
Listen to Abdominal Contractions
Listen to Leg Thrust

Body Break - Get Movin'... Keep Movin'!

For those of you who aren't in Canada, allow me to introduce Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod. These two dominated the PSA spots during Canadian daytime TV in the late 1980s and early 1990s with their exercise and dieting tips. This was usually the time when you would go take a shit while waiting for your favourite TV show to start.

For your enjoyment, nostalgia, or even torture, I scoured Youtube and found an episode with the version of their original theme song which has that fucking overdubbed goof saying "body break" in a pseudo-baritone voice at very mis-placed moments in the song. I believe this was the only time this stupid version was used, and it had glued itself to my brain for the last 20 years. You can watch it here.

Unfortunately, the original theme is not included with this cassette. Instead, you get the new-fangled Body Break theme song called "Keep Movin'" by The Body Break Team which is at the beginning of side 2. You also get songs by Canadian techno band BKS mixed in who had a hit in the 1990s with the song "Living In Ecstacy", although you don't even get that song on here. There's also a couple songs from The Urban Cookie Collective, and a group I've never heard of called Full Intention.

To be fair, the commercially released songs are decent, but because this is Classical Gas Emissions, I'm focusing entirely on all the songs created by The Body Break Team. The lyrics were written by a retarded donkey:

Havin' Fun:
Feel the Beat
Down The Street
Move Your Feet
Dancin' Dancin'
Having Fun
There's A Party Going On
Having Fun
Get Together, Having Fun

We've got master poets at work here! And one more, just because I like hearing my readers groan:

Work It!:
Body Break
You've got to move your body now!
Feel the rhythm deep inside
Take it for a magic ride
Feel the music, make you move
Work it baby, to the groove

We are witnessing the apocalyptic re-birth of Bob Dylan! I'm sure you're all falling to your knees and trembling in the presence of such lyrical greatness.

The fun doesn't stop with the lyrics that were picked off someone's bum hole. The inlay has it's own magnificence happening as well.

And just look at how fucking happy these two are:

They must be high on ecstasy to be this happy and to enjoy this collection of music. If you have any spare ecstasy laying around, you may want to take some before listening to this collection of songs by The Body Break Team.

Listen to Havin' Fun / Strut Your Stuff
Listen to Pump Your Body
Listen to Keep Movin'
Listen to Work It!
Listen to Take A Body Break

And that's all! I hope you all enjoyed your work out!

Honestly guys, I'm not trying to ditch the blog. I keep on buying more stuff to write about, and I have bins full of it. This year has been extremely busy, and I promise to keep posting whenever I can throughout my move. You will most likely see silence between August and October while I settle into my new place. I get a bad case of the Winter blahs, so expect my activity to increase by then.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun! Yes, I've used that one before, but it's appropriate this time around.