Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Donald Bradburn: The Gospel Collection



This was absolutely irresistible when I saw it at the thrift store for 25 cents. It's not just one album from Donald Bradburn, it's a whole fucking box set of TWELVE albums! That's a bargain of just over two cents per album! It doesn't matter if the albums are shit, it's the fact that it was so damn cheap! I hit the gospel jackpot!



Here's something to put all of this in perspective... Donald Bradburn recorded more albums than Roxy Music. Suck on that Brian Ferry, Donald Bradburn is a true music making machine!

Donald Bradburn's wife and child are on the cover of this box set, and since there's no other credits listed, it's my guess that the lineup goes something like this:

Donald Bradburn: Vocals & Guitar
Mrs. Bradburn: Bass Guitar
Baby: Drums

The quality of the recordings are.... Well.... they range from kinda shitty to kinda not shitty.



When I bought this, I had no clue how the hell I was going to tackle it. There's so much music here! I eventually decided to pick one song off each cassette and feature it here as a collection of Donald Bradburn's greatest un-hits. Let's go over some of these songs...

(All featured songs can be downloaded in one zip file here!)


Album: A Prayer For My Children
Song: My God is Real

We had to start it with a catchy number, muddy quality, and a drum that sounds like someone beating their brother's head into the wall. The lead guitar is buried in the back yard as if it doesn't matter, and Mr. Bradburn is slightly off-key. Great fucking song.


Album: Sweet Anointing
Song: Sweet Anointing

The tape recorder appears to have eaten some of the beginning of this song for lunch which is all fine since none of the band seemed to know how the hell the song started anyway. The band members fall asleep on and off throughout this one, and I can't say I blame them. It's over six minutes long and would be boring as shit if it weren't for all the mistakes in it. The keyboard solo sounds as if a drunken fool tripped over the power cable, landed on top of the Casio, and engaged in an intoxicated makeout session. This song is terrible, and would have been better left in the trashcan after the tape player chewed it up.


Album: Never Be Alone
Song: Not Just An Old Story

If you're going to mix your drummer louder than everything else, he'd better be a damn good drummer. I can fall down the stairs with better timing than whoever's pounding that fucking thing. This song is depressing and boring, just like most of the other shit on this album.


Album: Heaven Bound
Song: Jesus Is Your Healer

The chords and beat are the exact same as the last song, the lyrics simple and awful, so the gold star for effort will have to go to somebody else. On the plus side, the band isn't drunk this time.


Album: Songs of Comfort
Song: There Is Coming a Day

Hello? Mr. Bradburn? Are you outside, or is your microphone level just a bit too low? The album should have been called "Songs of Southern Comfort". On the plus side, the quality of the recording is fairly crisp here. The song is still slow and boring though. Remember the good old days of the first song and how upbeat it was? It seems so long ago now...


Album: Only Thru The Cross
Song: True Lord

The album should have been called "Only Drive-Thru The Cross for a McJesus Meal". This time, we get a raw recording of the band with minimal effects. There is also a drop-out in the right channel during the song, and I have no clue if it's on the recording, if it's a faulty wire in my setup, and I really don't give a shit either way. You get what you get. It's five minutes long and I'm not listening to this slow piece of crap again just to make sure I got a good transfer.


Album: When I Crossed That River
Song: A Million Tears or More

All the songs on this album are slow, boring, and interchangeable so you're not going to miss anything by not listening to the rest of it. Unlike the last album, we have some nice reverb on Mr. Bradburn's vocals, but the rest of the band seems to be playing at the bottom of the river they were crossing.


Album: The Lighthouse
Song: My Jesus I Love Thee

Try as he may, Mr. Bradburn cannot seem to stretch his vocal chords enough to reach those high notes. Also, I think the right channel is there, but perhaps someone accidentally stuck the speaker into their rectum, causing the sound to be shitty. According to my notes, this is the worst album of the lot so if you happen to find this magnificent box set, you can throw this cassette into the trash or record some Porter Wagoner onto it. You get to hear the song "At Calvary" twice just because it's so fucking awesome.


Album: Not Now But In The Coming Years
Song: Glory To The Father Son & Holy Ghost

You're getting two songs off this one!

Here's Mr Bradburn singing in Cree! He sounds like he's had a couple of beers to make this one go down your ear canals a little smoother.


Song: Draw Me Nearer

Pick up those boogie shoes and fall onto the dance floor! We have an upbeat one here and it's about fucking time!!! It's in Cree so you can't understand it, but who gives a shit? The guitar player is drunk as fuck and the beat is catchy as hell. Play this one twice because it's better than the last 8 songs I gave you.


Album: Tears
Song: If You Ain't Living For Jesus

The entire box set should have been called "Tears". This song is kinda catchy until you get to the middle part where everybody seemingly gets run over by a tractor. As for the lyrics, I can find better lyrics in the ingredients list of a bag of Peanuts. This is by far the worst song of the bunch.


Album: It's Happening Now
Song: It's Happening Now

Surprise! This song is actually pretty good! The production is nice, the mix is good, everybody is sober, there are no tractors killing people, and the song is actually pretty damn enjoyable with it being slightly upbeat. This might be where my whole 25 cents went. The rest of the album (or even the whole box set) doesn't live up to this track.


Album: He Paid The Cost
Song: He Paid The Cost

I have to admit that I was done at this point. The song starts out as if it had just finished throwing up after a night of drinking wine, but that isn't why I chose it. I got sick of listening to all this shitty music and this is the first song on the tape. I just decided to say fuck screening the rest of the album and went for the first piece of shit on this tape.


So there you go! This is the first box set I've reviewed, and after the daunting task of going through each of these damn cassettes, I hope it's the last one I review. I'm truly exhausted from this one.

As for where I've been and what I've been doing, I ended up making a nice back log of episodes (that still need editing) for "Tech of the Century" which is the name of the show on my youtube channel where I take things apart and fix them. I also have the Junq Tour coming up which is exciting, and this year I bought a camper to sleep in. It came with an 8-track player installed, so I'm hoping I can get that up and running before the Junq Tour.

Again, sincere apologies for the lack of updates. My new homestead needs quite a bit of work, so I'll be focusing a lot on that over the summer months. Fall and Winter should see more blog entries. There's always lots of stuff sitting in queue for me to cover, so I've slowed down a bit on my purchases and only buy things if they look truly terrible. Until next time....

Friday, May 4, 2018

Weird Marketing Crap

So you think you're doing great with your Etsy store? Well, let's look at how awesome these other guys did in comparison to you!


Nygard Celebration 50



This year, Peter Nygard is celebrating 50 years of making old lady clothing. In honour of the old bastard, here's a cassette entitled "Nygard Celebration 50". In other words, Nygard was celebrating the number 50 about 30 years ago.

According to the tiny blurb of text on the cassette inlay, this cassette was some sort of gift at a tour that Nygard went on to celebrate his parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My guess is they're both dead by now.

As a side note, 10 years ago I damn near ended up getting a job at the Nygard company hooking up A/V equipment. I had two interviews with them, and then they hired someone else. I'm probably better off for it, because the two guys interviewing me warned me (in the nicest way possible) that Peter Nygard is a fucking asshole. One of the perks of the job was an all-expenses paid trip to Peter's private island in the Bahamas where I would be hooking up A/V equipment for the yearly fashion show and also be berated by the mean old twonk. Such a missed opportunity...

So what's on the tape? When I bought it, I didn't really have a clue because there's no explanation other than it being "songs that made the memories" and "the soundtrack from the Toronto and Hancock fashion shows". It turned out to be an assortment of songs from about 1990 and earlier. Other than the assorted pieces of classical music and instrumentals, here are the songs I was able to identify:


- Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings"
- K-Tel's Hooked On Classics
- Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
- MacArthur Park - Richard Harris
- Buster Poindexter's shitty "Hot Hot Hot" rendition
- Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings AGAIN!!!
- That's What Friends Are For - Dionne Warwick and her buddies
- My Cup Runneth Over - Ed Ames
- Endless Love by two people who like shitty songs
- Goldfinger! By Shirley Bassey! Why the fuck is this on here???
- More (Theme from Mondo Cane) - No clue what version this is, but it's really good

The best part about this tape is the sound quality... If you put an AM radio in a bathroom, you pretty much have the same effect. I haven't included anything from this tape, so let's move on...


President's Month 1968 Record Making Competition



This is a strange one. I have scoured the album for the name of the company who held this "record making competition" and I've come up empty. All I can gather is that it's a company that does financial investments for people. In other words, it's a pretty damn shady company! I tried googling the president's name and came up empty.

So yeah, it's a few guys who are higher-ups in the company telling the "sales" men to get out there and get clients. A sheet of prizes is included with the record, and there's some pretty cool shit on there!



If you think listening to side one leaves you with a sense of con-artistry, side 2 will seal it for you. There is a spiralling groove (possibly two of them) that move from the center of the record to the outside. When your stylus reaches the outer edge of the record, it gets tossed off the platter and catapulted into the next millennium, leaving you with no way to play your records.



Oh yeah, and the groove is blank. There's absolutely nothing on it.

And another thing... The label on side one is plastered over another label.



Shady as hell if you ask me!

Listen to Side One


Sound Selling by Radio



This is the fun one! It apparently came from the "Radio Sales Bureau" and dates to about 1965-1966. It's basically a promotion for advertising on radio. It sounds boring on the surface, but they've included some really old Canadian radio commercials. Here's some of the things you will learn:

- You should buy a 1965 Peugeot, a '65 Rambler, and a '65 Meteor as your next vehicle!
- Find out what a "Toyota" is (hint: it's a vehicle!)
- Drink Freshie (which was a Canadian Kool-Aid equivalent)
- You can get cheap nylons from the Simpsons Sears catalog
- More Canadians enjoy Rothmans cigarettes!
- Use Flush-a-Bye diapers (pronounced die-a-per) that you flush down the toilet!
- Roy Brownlee Your Pharmacist recommends using Waterlily Cleansing Cream
- Rent an air conditioner for only 98 cents per day!

As a side note, my mother still calls Kool-Aid "Freshie". I also have some cigarette promotion stuff that I want to cover in the future, so watch for that. Anyway, here's some clips, and the whole album:

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

Clement's Farm Equipment
Flush-a-Byes Diapers
Rothmans Cigarettes
Toyota


That's it for this round! As a side note (with regards to the Nygard album, other people's mix tapes, and other strange compilations), I was thinking about setting up an invite-only Facebook page to put up stuff like that. A minimum $5 donation to patreon or paypal would get you lifetime access to this more commercial stuff that people have compiled. I'd be putting up entire cassettes, 8-tracks, Minidiscs, and whatever else I come across that contains more mainstream material. Putting entire albums online can be time-consuming, but if any of you are interested in something like that, I'll do it. There's lots of stuff kicking around here!

Friday, April 20, 2018

Apparently Funny Answering Machine Tapes

A few years back, I covered the "Celebrity Answeralls" series, which contained prerecorded messages for your answering machine. There were other stuck-in-the-closet companies who did similar tapes, and I found three more of them. These damn tapes are kinda difficult to find, probably because nobody wanted this shit. Since I covered the Celebrity Answeralls back in 2012, these are the only ones I've come across. Were they worth it? Maybe one was, but the other two are pretty lousy. Let's get to it...


At The Sound of the Beep... Hollywood & TV Classics Volume V



Five volumes of this shit? Seriously???

This isn't too far off from the Celebrity Answeralls series, but if you thought those were bad, these ones are fucking atrocious. This cassette covers TV shows and movies that were popular from the 1960s to the early 1980s. They also had the courtesy to spell things incorrectly such as The Addams Family (Adam's Family) and Gilligan's Island (Giligan's Island). If they can't spell the names correctly, you can imagine how bad the messages are.

Listen to James Bond
Listen to 2001 - An Answering Machine Odyssey
Listen to Giligan's Island
Download the whole piece of shit


No Hang-Ups Tapes Volume IV: Sound Effects Only



For those of you who are funnier than the assholes who made the previous tape, you're in luck. You can make your own shitty messages with these 30 sound effects. Now just think of that concept... This is a sound effects compilation disguised as a tape for your answering machine. What a sorry-ass way to cash in on your stupidity.

As a side note, I've heard most of these sound effects before, mainly because I own a CD called "Over 100 Hollywood Sound Effects". Yes, I actually own sound effect CDs, and I actually did put them to use when I was making novelty mashups back in the 1990s. For a sound effects CD, the quality of this one is pretty good. It doesn't sound like it was recorded on an asphalt driveway, unlike some of the other sound effects CDs I own.



Anyway, there's a couple of scraps worth sharing. The moaning effect is pretty good with it's background music, and there's some sample messages (likely from the other volumes)

Listen to Moaning
Listen to a sample message #2
Download the whole thing


No Hang-Ups Tapes Volume I: General Messages - Female Voice



This is the best one out of the three. The people writing these messages had to actually use their brain, but they came up with some decent messages.

I'm honestly surprised they didn't put a warning label on this tape. Some of the messages are a bit... ummm... adult oriented. Apparently, volume 3 is all adult messages. Too bad I haven't found that one yet! Anyway, here's some messages, a download link, and feel free to put these on your voicemail.

Listen to Hi Sexy
Listen to A Dog's Revenge
Listen to Cat's Meow
Download the whole tape

That's all for this round. It felt refreshing to do something other than shitty cover bands for a change. Perhaps I'll keep my ban on crappy covers, at least for the next entry.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Country Music for your Cow Shit-Covered Boots

Hey everyone! I decided to go digging into my queue box for something other than cheap imitation compilation cassettes. I found a bunch of country "artists" who, for the most part, aren't very artistic and try to do their own cheap imitations. All my efforts and you still get terrible song covers. Oh well, you can't blame me for trying! So grab your horse and throw him in the mud while we attempt to stuff cow shit into your ears.


Mike Woods - Life in a Song



To be honest, this is the best tape in the bunch. Although this guy is apparently country music, he doesn't have the typical wad of toffee in his mouth and an over-used whiny-ass slide guitar. He's just straight up original, and might I say quite listenable. He also has hair that I want to run my fingers through.

My only complaint about this album is he split the songs down the middle, putting all the soft acoustic stuff on the first side and all the electric and upbeat songs on the second side. I prefer it when artist intertwine the songs so the album doesn't get boring. However, the songs on here are perfectly enjoyable regardless of what side you're listening to.

Sorry, I know you were expecting something shitty. Don't worry, we have three more albums coming your way...

Listen to Life in a Song


Bennie Karman Plays a Little Bit of Everything



So I'm looking at the songs on this disc, and I'm not seeing any Iron Maiden, Celine Dion, or even any 2pac. The fact that Bennie sticks to old country songs (except for another cover of The Rose) means this album title is a dirty fucking liar. This is NOT a little bit of everything. I was hoping to hear some Kanye West on the Diatonic Harmonica. Speaking of which, why the hell did this harmonica get it's own space on the CD label? What is the significance of it being diatonic? Perhaps some space should have been reserved for Bennie's sweaty old DIATONIC cowboy hat.

As I hinted in the above paragraph, all these songs are played on the DIATONIC harmonica. Most of them are played decently, but the rest of the band is a bunch of midi instruments. The DIATONIC harmonica is the only real instrument on here.

Most of these songs on here have been covered to death, so I chose to feature the song "Wheels". The funny part is I don't even know who the hell did the original version of "Wheels", so I can't really knock Bennie's rendition of it. However I have never heard it played on the DIATONIC harmonica.

Listen to Wheels


Clarence Snow Stefanson



If you look at the cover, you'll see it's snowing very heavily..... or it's the newspaper half tone quality. Either way, nobody gives their kid a middle name like "Snow". If his middle name actually is "Snow", then someone needs to take their steel toe boots over to Clarence's parents house and have a very good talk with them about the dangers of naming your kid after frozen water dust.

Clarence gives you 23 whopping tracks on this album because: fuck being stingy. I can't figure out if these are karaoke tracks or if he's got a real band on here. There are absolutely no credits on the inlay, just Clarence's phone number in case you want to call him for a good time. All in all, he's not the most terrible screamer you'll ever hear, but he's not the most exciting orgasm you'll ever have either.

I've included the longest, boring version of "Wind Beneath My Wings" that you'll ever hear, and his extremely terrible rendition of "Are You Lonesome Tonight" where he practically tells the listener, "Fuck you, I'm not doing any of this talking shit in the middle of the song".

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings
Listen to Are You Lonesome Tonight


Doug Mooney



You wanted terrible, you got terrible! First of all, I don't have a cover for this tape. I have no clue if there ever was one, but it would be nice to see what an old man looks like when he's crying from having his stretched-out ballsack being pinched to the floor by the microphone stand. This tape is fucking terrible, and if you know any of these old songs (most of which are Engelbert Humperdinck and Elvis covers), you will want to stand on that microphone stand and make him sing like Mariah Carey (because nobody likes or knows any Mariah Carey songs, and we don't give a damn if somebody sings them badly.)

Doug gives his worst Tom Jones impression on "Delilah" and can't hit the high notes very well. However, his worst song on here is "Man Without Love" by Engelbert Humperdinck. He gets way too fucking excited during the chorus and starts speeding ahead of the backup singers, making himself sound like an ass and ruining the song for everybody. Hell, you don't even need to know the original song to know how badly he's fucking it up.

Listen to Delilah
Listen to A Man Without Love

That's all for this round! If you haven't been following my Facebook page, you'll realize that you've missed out on the Junq Tour videos! You can start watching them below. See you next time, hopefully with less cow shit in your ears so I can re-fill them.


Sunday, February 25, 2018

My 40th Birthday Blog Party!

I recently turned 40 years old which officially makes me half way to dead. In other words, you have about 40 more years of me posting crap onto the internet. Hooray for you.

Anyway, let's start with the festivities! We need some official birthday songs to celebrate and blow out the candles on this cake I got from Safeway:



I think Safeway needs to start hiring 4 year olds to decorate their cakes instead of whoever the fuck they have now. Love did not go into decorating this, and it can't decide on what holiday it is.


Sets In Order - Party Series




This record has six grooves on it. Don't try to correct me on the technical details because each of the six songs finish in an endless loop. So let's get all get together and sing Happy Birthday to me. I've also included "He's a Jolly Good Fellow" which is not fitting in any way because I'm a miserable asshole. To end it off, we'll all make fun of me for being an old gray mare.

Listen to Happy Birthday
Listen to Jolly Good Fellow
Listen to Old Gray Mare
Download all the songs


Now that we've eaten cake and did all that traditional shit, let's look at my Horoscope. I'm a Pisces, so let's find out a little bit more about me from Linda Goodman's all knowing cassette tape...


Linda Goodman's Sun Signs - Pisces




Lots of pretty music on here!

According to this cassette, I'm destined to be poor unless I marry into money. I also have small, dainty size 11 feet. I also have tiny fragile and exquisitely formed hands with which I'm typing this blog entry with. I also don't take good care of myself, do yoga and delve into the occult. Satan is my master!

Other than these highly truthful anecdotes, I'm either one extreme or the other, so we cover every single base when it comes to describing me. Thanks a lot for narrowing it down, Linda Goodman. You suck.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2


Now it's time for some party music!

40 Pieces of Gold (Tape C)




This should have been called "40 Pieces of Shit". Unfortunately, I only have the last of this 3 tape set, so there's only 12 pieces of shit to enjoy here.

I've touched on Avenue of America's garbage before, and some of these are repeats from other "compilations" that I've examined before. However, we have a version of "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" that I actually think is a bit better than the original, the exception being that they didn't also do "Country Feelings" which is the precursor on Lobo's "Introducing Lobo" album.

We also have a somewhat bare bones version of The Doors "Love Her Madly" which is missing a bunch of the instrumentation. The Rolling Stones song "Brown Sugar" is an absolute atrocity, and I can confidently say that Mick Jagger is a vocal god in comparison to whoever the fuck is singing this.

Listen to Me and You and a Dog Named Boo
Listen to Love Her Madly
Listen to Brown Sugar
Download the whole tape


40 Super Hits of 87




When I was a kid, I purchased this two tape set brand new at Woolco back in 1988. It came in a slip case (which is long gone) and I haven't seen another copy of this 2 tape set since. It's quite amazing I've held onto it for so long. However, even back when I bought this, I knew I had flushed my $7.98 down the toilet after listening to it. When you're a kid in the 1980s, $7.98 is a LOT of money.

Some of these renditions have popped up on the blog in the past (performed by the Countdown Singers or some bullshit), but it just marks the transfer of ownership of the shitty master tapes, and I can't help but wonder how much they were purchased for. Nobody knows who the hell does these songs, but I believe they all originated here in Canada.

The beginning of "Don't Dream It's Over" doesn't sound like "Don't Dream It's Over". The Bryan Adams song "In The Heat of the Night" doesn't sound like Bryan Adams. The Eddie Money song is actually pretty close to the original except for how low the singer's vocals are mixed and how crummy the female vocals are. Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" is completely ruined here, along with "Livin' On a Prayer".

All the songs on these cassettes seems to have some unintentionally added vibrato, as if the duplicating machine had a wad of chewing gum stuck to it's capstan. You'll also notice that all the high end on this recording is distorted as fuck, as if it was played through a drum cymbal before being mastered.

Most of the other songs are relatively unknown or weren't very popular. Hell, I didn't know Herb Alpert was recording music in the 1980s. I have more of these tapes made by CMG Music, and I plan to eventually get around to reviewing them.

Listen to Don't Dream It's Over
Listen to In The Heat of the Night
Listen to Take Me Home Tonight
Listen to Wanted Dead or Alive
Download Tape 1
Download Tape 2

And that's it for my birthday! I hope you had a great time celebrating it with me, and hopefully you'll go apply for a cake decorating job at Safeway to make my 41st birthday a little bit better.