Wednesday, July 10, 2019

CDs from the Queue Box

While I was sorting throught my blog queue box, I found some CDs that didn't really belong in any sort of category, so they became a category of their own. I have named this category "What In The Fuck Kind Of Band Is This?" Let's explore together!

Automan.ca - Pocket Change



A few years ago, I went with a friend to go see the band Iron Maiden. I was excited because the band Dream Theater was opening up for them during the entire tour. Much to my surprise, the concert I attended was the only one during the tour that didn't have Dream Theater. Instead we got this fucking band. Who the hell puts a "dot C.A." at the end of their band name? Automan.ca does! It should have been Automan.crap.

Anyway, was booed after every single song. After 20 minutes, they quit playing their set. The only applause they got was when they pulled their banner down. What a good time.

Honestly, these guys aren't the worst band I've ever heard, but imagine these cornballs opening up for Iron Maiden. I mean, look at these guys!


The singer is the drummer from the Killer Dwarfs. Why is it that drummers always think they're multi-talented?

Listen to Give An Inch Take A Mile



Krupke - The Pony You Always Wanted Died Today



According to the credits, this album was recorded at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Studios. I have to admit I bought this one for the title. Some of the songs included are "Monday", "Monday?" and "Rape Play". This album sounds like a soundtrack to a satanic musical. It's bizarre, but not in a completely bad way. But then again, I enjoy music that's a bit fucked up, and this almost fits right into that mold. My biggest complaint about it is the songs all kinda sound the same. This makes it intolerable for me. If you're gonna play fucked up music, at least diversify the songs. This is just a long, drawn out musical who's songs don't have anything truly memorable about them. The best song on here is the first one called "I'm Sorry Your Pony Died". It's short, stupid, and perfect. I just wish the rest of the album was.

Listen to I'm Sorry Your Pony Died


The Pump Girls



Still sealed because I bought it at the dollar store.

When the CD started up, I felt the vomit churning in my stomach with it's "Whoop! Whoop!" screaming in my ears. The lyrical content brought the vomit up to the top of my neck. "We're the Pump girls in a Pump world!" What the fuck is a "Pump world"? Is it flooded, hence the need for pumps? The world will be flooded with my vomit if I continue listening to this trash.

I assumed this album came out in the late 1980s, but after scouring the liner notes, I found out it's actually from 1997. Whoever made the music for this album has been locked in a closet since 1988.

According to the liner notes, this album is supposed to help with your diabetes. How? Does it inject your insulin? Does it regulate your blood sugar? Does it sing your pancreas back to life? Personally, I'd rather die from the effects of diabetes than listen to this piece of shit for the rest of my life.

I'll admit, the song "Winter Sunshine" is okay for 1985. However, "Not Too Young To Rock And Roll" is a feeble attempt at 50s rock and roll and is the worst "rock" song I've ever heard. I tried to get more information about the band, but their website is dead. I hope they didn't die from Diabetes. Their album may be shit, but I'm not that mean. At least not this time.

We're The Pump Girls (the non-dance version)
We're Havin' a Party


Vigoramity - Glass Roses



Singing isn't something this band is any good at. Nor songwriting. Nor making real music. Nor mixing. I'm not kidding, this is bad. This is one of those guys who lives in his mom's basement and makes terrible techno songs that he shares with his three online friends. This is also one of those times when I can't figure out which song to share with you because they're all terrible. So I picked two from the ones that would play. The CD drive starts to cry around track 8.

Oh yeah, and the label is falling off the CD, and the sound of it flapping in my CD drive makes my computer sound like the fan is dying.

Magic
Selfish Sacrifice



Shrimp - Peel & Eat



Featuring hits such as "Vaginal Itch", "Show Me On The Doll Where The Bad Man Touched You", and "My Baby Is Retarded And It's All My Fault". Shrimp is an all-female punk band from Winnipeg. It's entertaining, fun, and it rocks! Unfortunately, this home-made album appears to be out of print, but fortunately, I have extracted the entire thing for your entertainment. Or just listen to a couple of songs. They're also friends with Trouser Mouth who I reviewed in this entry.

Listen to Crackwhore
Listen to I'm Getting Naked For Jesus
Download the whole album!

So I'm going to address something. I haven't done a "contents of so-and-so's computer" entry in a while. Trust me, I'm still collecting the damn things, and there's a huge (up to the ceiling) pile of them in my garage. I think I've figured out a method of addressing them so I can work on them in the cafe, but I just need the time to pull the hard drives and such. I miss doing them, and I believe a lot of my readers do as well. I also have to scan the journal that I bought at Value Village. Right now, my "office" is a mess from relocating everything due to a leaky roof. I will eventually get to all this stuff, but I don't need the weather pissing all over everything.

On the plus side, the Junq tour is in two weeks! And then you have to wait months for me to post it all. Regardless, I'm looking forward to it this year (as I do every year).

Monday, July 8, 2019

Eddie Coffey's Newfie Music

I'm finally covering this guy's albums! He has been invading my blog queue box for quite some time, and is trying to out-record Arnie and Kevin Harcourt. I think the guy's a newfie, but I have no clue. He plays the accordian, sings songs about Newfies, and has terrible glasses. Does that qualify him as a Newfie?

I already covered his Christmas album here.


Come Closer Eastcoaster
(1997, maybe earlier)



I ended up with THREE FUCKING COPIES! One cassette and two CDs, one with different cover art. I wonder which one will sell for more money on Ebay? Perhaps the CD that's still sealed. Either it's worth extra coin because it's still in the cellophane, or nobody really wants an album full of Newfie music, not even Newfies.

To be honest, Eddie isn't terrible, but I'll probably stab myself in the face if I listen to him for any length of time. He sounds like a reject from Great Big Sea. This shit is 100% Canadian music. You won't hear stuff like this in Los Angeles, and I have a hard time wondering what Canadian in their right mind would listen to this. Perhaps that's why his albums are invading the thrift stores in droves. I can't count how many times I've seen his albums rotting on the shelf.

Some guy picks a mad guitar solo on track 10. He's no Slash, but holy hell, I'd hate to see how fast he could pick his nose.

There are 20 songs on this thing! That's one hell of a ride to Newfoundland. You get songs like "Where Have The Little Boats Gone", "With Me Rubber Boots On", and "Jack Delaney's Brew". You have the stellar lyric, "You're still just a Newfie in a Calgary hat" in the song Saltwater Cowboy. Canadians are super fucking racist against each other. Diversity is a thorn in our side.

Listen to Saltwater Cowboy


Celtic and Country Memories 
(1999)



If you look at the cover, you can literally read Eddie's face. "Do I have to get down on one knee? My arthritis fucking hurts today!" I like how the exciting fake blue sticker on the front boasts that the CD includes Eddie's new release. Where the hell would you have heard it other than this album? I've never heard of this guy! Maybe it's because I don't hang out in the same Newfie circles as him, or any Newfie circles at all.

Eddie is determined to pack upwards of 24 songs on his albums, and this one is no exception. Keep squirting them out Eddie, and I'll keep reviewing them. Some of the songs packed onto this album are "My Dad Is The Engineer", "Galway Shawl", "Lessons By Mother's Knee", and three or four songs about some bitch named Mary.

Here's a song about how Newfies get stoned:

Listen to Newfoundland High


Jack of All Trades 
(1996)


This one was still sealed, and after shoving it into my tape deck, I can understand why. This one sucks.

Only 14 songs? What the hell, Eddie? On the plus side, Eddie actually looks kinda happy on this album. He's probably happy to be done recording it because this is the shittiest album of the bunch. All the songs here sound the same.

You get songs such as "Newfie Rock Jig", "Police Cars & Guns", and "Mussels In The Corner" Might as well have recorded one song and called it "Newfie Police Mussels".



If you look at the inlay card, you will see a "Certificate of Merit" that was apparently given to Eddie for his contribution to Canadian country music. I honestly can't call this stuff country, because none of the songs are about running over your dog with a sexy tractor. I think Newfie music belongs in it's own category because there really isn't anything quite like it.

Listen to Over The Hill

I'm missing one album by Eddie called "Come Home Year on the Caribou". What in hell does that mean? Shouldn't it be "Come home, you're on the caribou"? As stupid as that sounds, it makes more sense than the actual title. Anyway, when I find it, I'll add it here. It probably has 25 fucking songs on it too.

Friday, June 14, 2019

The Western Union (Bill and Sue-On Hillman)

Let me preface this band by telling you how I ended up reviewing them. It all started when I was somewhere around 5 years old. My dad frequented the thrift store and would generally allow me to buy something as long as it wasn't too expensive. I have no clue what he was buying at the time, but I remember picking through the sleeveless albums at the thrift store. The only reason why I picked through the sleeveless ones is because I could see the color and logos on the record label because I didn't yet know how to read.

I ended up pulling out this record with an orange label and saw what was probably the coolest looking logo I had ever seen:



That was the album that would come home with me, and it was the first album by a band called The Western Union. The only thing musically appealing about this album (to my five year old ears) was the first three songs which were instrumentals. I didn't care much for country music when my musical interests mainly consisted of The Ventures, Elvis Presley, and The Care Bears. Since I was into The Ventures, the instrumental tracks were right up my alley, and that was the only three songs I had ever listened to on the album.

Now that I'm an adult and have a vast music collection, I think it's only fair to venture back to this album along with some of the band's discography and listen to it with my adult ears.

So here's why this band fits in with the rest of the content of this blog... The band is mainly from Brandon, Manitoba with the two main elements Bill and Sue-On Hillman sharing vocal duties. They apparently had their own TV show, and I'm guessing none of the episodes have been archived. They recorded their first album on a Ukrainian record label, and their first album was (from the band's opinion) a major fucking botch job.

So let's review this shit!

No.1



Every single song on this album is a cover song. The album starts out with a song called "Down On The Bayou". It's a cover, but it sounds absolutely nothing like the original song who's artist I care not to remember. But just listen to it! That big fucking thumping kick drum! It's awesome! You never hear anything like that in country music, especially country music recorded in the late 60s / early 70s. I loved the hell out of it when I was five years old, and would often stomp my feet along with the kick drum. So yeah, the first track gets a big thumbs up from me. But then there's the tape dropouts. The fact that's prominent on the recording right from the mastering plant means they used shitty tape stock, they recorded on used tapes, or both.

Track two is called "The Eight of January" (the "th" sound in the English language hadn't been invented yet). The monsterous kick drum is pulled back a bit, but it's still there, and this song has that awesome violin and electric guitar in it. Fantastic song!

Track three called "Twilight Waltz" is slower and kinda lame. It's okay, but I skip it when I'm not in the mood to cry or sleep.

The next three songs are somewhat forgettable with "Branded Man" being the best of them, but it's just okay. What makes these songs more interesting is the extreme presence of delay echo on absolutely everything! It's record mastering at it's worst, but you can't tell me that it's not interesting! I haven't listened to anything else in Galaxy's catalog (yet) to see if they give their other artists the same treatment, but I'm willing to bet they do.

When Sue-On takes over lead at the beginning of side two, we get a bit of a treat. The delay echo says it's here to stay, so you'd better get used to it! I absolutely adore the "Mom and Dad Waltz" and think Sue-On's voice really makes this one shine. It remains awesome with "Silver Threads and Golden Needles" although some asshole forgot to turn up the rest of the band, and decides to finally do it sixteen seconds into the song. What a dipshit. "Tiny Bubbles" is and always was a lame song, and there's nothing that great about it here.

On the last three songs, we have Bill showing off his guitar work. The delay echo has taken a coffee break for "Steel Guitar Rag" (which does absolutely nothing for me) but returns (albeit a little less prominent) for the next two songs. "Hideaway Louie" doesn't really do much for me even though it's a medley of popular songs. The star of Bill's three songs is "Chattanooga Shoe Shine Boy" (although it's nothing to scream for ice cream over) and is the last track. You can really tell it's the last track because of all the tape dropouts in it. I'm guessing the guys at Galaxy Records only had one magnetic tape to record on, and simply recorded on it again and again each time they did a recording session.

The buzzing at the start and end of each track can't be the sound of crappy recording equipment. I'm convinced that there were insects buzzing around in the recording studio, although the band insists it was the recording equipment. C'mon! These are professionals! They wouldn't let that shit fly! Or would they?

This is the only album I'm doing a lengthy review on, simply because it's such a glorious mess. The band hated it and still pretty much trashes it to this day to the point where they barely want to acknowledge they recorded it, but it's obviously their best selling album of their entire discography because it's the most prominent one in the thrift stores. I think this album deserves some credit, because it kept them going for a very long time. And "Down On The Bayou" kicks some major ass.

Listen to Down On The Bayou
Listen to Silver Threads and Golden Needles
Download the whole album


No.2



Bill and Sue-On told Galaxy records to go fuck themselves for the shitty job they did on the first album, and they decided to start their own record label. Just like the first album the second album consists of nothing but covers. Personally, I think this is the weakest of the ones I'm reviewing, but it does have some bright spots.

Mississippi Line is a decent enough song to start the album off, but it's only kinda good. Following that, we have a lackluster 1950s rock & roll medley that I could do without. Kentuckian Song is some Hawaiian piece of crap that would put a dead man to sleep. Irish Scotch sounds exactly like what you'd expect from the title, and does absolutely nothing for me. After that, we have Raggedy Ann which will put the dead man's wife to sleep. Fiddle Duddle is missing the booming kick drum that would make it enjoyable.

Starting off Side B is You Were On My Mind which is decent enough with both Bill and Sue-On singing together, and it sounds pretty good. I Remember You has nothing over it's original counterpart. Maiden Prayer is another sleeper, but played on the fiddle and again with no booming kick drum. Put Your Hand In the Hand is an upbeat cover and it's just OK. The cover of Apache is actually really good and sounds very true to the original. To end off the album, we're putting the dead couple's dead children to sleep with the joined Sweet Dreams & Born To Lose

All in all, this is a pretty underwhelming album. I honestly would have like to see what the moron at Galaxy Records would have done to make it more "creative".

Listen to Muddy Mississippi Line
Listen to Apache
Download the whole album

No.3



Hey! What do we have here? Are they changing the name of the band to "Bill and Sue-On Hillman"? We also have some original material! And the originals for the most part are actually really good! Why in hell are they recording cover songs when they could be writing more kick ass tunes! Personally, I think this is their best album so far, so let's go over it...

The album starts off with a Bill Hillman original called "Blue Shallow River". Holy crap is this ever good! Sue-On leads the vocal and the decent production work on this one really makes it shine. Next is a cover of "Let It Be Me" and even though it's slow, the vocals shared by Bill and Sue-On are excellent. Next we have the Merle Haggard cover "Mama Tried" which is upbeat, fun, and the vocals are again shared by Bill and Sue-On. We slow it back down with Sue-On Singing "Help Me Make It Through The Night" which isn't extraordinary, but it's a decent enough song that doesn't suck. I honestly don't like the arrangement of their version of "Down In The Boondocks" and it's probably the worst one on this album. The side ends off with a slow but fantastic Bill Hillman original called "In Sadness" sung by Sue-On.

Side B starts off by punching you in your face because you're not up dancing yet even though the music has only begun. We have a catchy as hell Bill Hillman original called "Blues Round My Door" which is a damn fine piece of music. I originally thought the cover of "Green Green Grass of Home" was kinda lame until Bill comes in with an Elvis-like spoken part in it which suits the song very well. "Somewhere My Love" is a decent enough slow song, but I always thought it was a bad idea to follow one slow song with another slow song, so you might find yourself dozing off during this part of the album. The cover of "24 Hours from Tulsa" thankfully wakes you back up and you're greeted by Bill and Sue-On finally singing together again. We head into another Bill Hillman original called "2 Lovin' Arms" which is probably his weakest contribution to the album. The album ends off with "The French Song" which I know I've heard before. It's decent, but it kinda ends the album on a bit of a down side. Oh well, just flip it over and play "Blue Shallow River" again because it's worth hearing again.

Listen to Blue Shallow River
Listen to In Sadness
Download this really good album!

No.4



So what's the most logical thing to do after you put out your best album where your originals are the highlights? Put out a compilation album consisting of songs from albums 2 and 3! The album cover fools the buyer into thinking it's a live album by putting the phrase "On Stage" on the cover. For me, this is just a piss off. Apparently, the 5th album came out first and contains all originals (which I don't have yet), and even that one borrows the originals from the third album. I don't know why they did any of this. I generally don't like compilations unless it's rare shit or the band's career is pretty much done and over. However, if you want select songs from the last two albums that play just a little bit slower, this is the compilation for you and not me.

Download the whole album


Sue-On



I covered a bit of this compilation back during the Junq Tour from last year, but it's not a bad thing for me to touch on it again now that I'm more familiar with their work. It appears that this is a compilation of songs sung by Sue-On from albums 2,3, and 5. Compilations, compilations, compilations. Why make any entirely new albums when you can just make new compilations by recycling all your old stuff? From what I can tell, an album of entirely new material doesn't happen until the album called "The Hillman Express Track 15" which is documented as the 6th album. However, this compilation doesn't show up on their website and would logically be the 6th album considering the material included here.

Download the Sue-On Album


What I've noticed with these albums is the newer they are, the harder they are to find. Once (and if) I come across a few more, I'll be sure to cover them in detail once again. But for now, just download the 3rd one and enjoy the shit out of it, because that one's worth the bandwidth.

For the Junq tour this year, I'll be stopping over in Brandon and hopefully visiting the Chinese restaurant that Bill and Sue-On own (or owned - they're retired now) which should be an interesting journey!

Visit Bill & Sue-On's messy Geocities-esque website!

We shall see you in the next entry.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Junq Tour 2018: Riverton

We have arrived at the final location of the Junq Tour (at least for 2019). Let's see if we go out with a bang, or a puddle of diarrhoea....

Mary Linski - He Restoreth My Soul



There's something really wrong with this chick's voice. I'm convinced she had a couple of drinks before hitting the record button. You know what it feels like when you have a broken vase sliding down your bare back? Well, that would feel better than having to listen to this woman sing for the entirety of this cassette. Yet again, we have yet more Christian music that we can't seem to avoid this round.

Listen to I Surrender All


Richard S. Unruh - "Enjoy" Harmonicas Vol. 1




Do you enjoy harmonicas? Do you enjoy them when there is no other music playing along with it? Do you enjoy them when they have a shit ton of echo on them? Honestly, this tape makes me want to "Hate" harmonicas, or possibly even "Despise" harmonicas.

I only bothered with the first song on side 2 because I can't tell what any of these songs sound like because they all sound the fucking same.

Listen to Count Your Blessings


Just Go To Bed / Record Your Own Story




You never know what you're going to find on these cassettes. About 60% of the time, the "record your own story" side is blank. The other 40% of the time, you'll get a little treat. This one isn't very long, but I'm happy to say I didn't flush all of my hard-earned 25 cents down the toilet. I was going to attach this to the very end of the Junq Tour video, but completely forgot while I was editing. Oops.

Listen!


Hwy 6 - Dance Time Vol 2



We finally have a volume 2 in this batch! These old farts can play well enough. It's all instrumental versions of your favourite old songs. By default, we have to include the Elvis song, because I'm hoping someday he'll actually spin his way to the surface and we can see how much he avoided decomposition from the constant spinning he's done throughout the years of shitty Elvis covers.

Listen to A Fool Such as I


Gail Gavan - For The Love of the Valley Vol. 1




There exist some extremely easy ways to record your own album. One of them is to buy a couple of karaoke CDs featuring songs you know how to sing, and then record yourself singing along to them. The only reason I know this lady used a karaoke recording is because Youtube flagged it when I uploaded the Junq Tour video. So if you were expecting an all-original recording done by Gail, I'm sorry to say that she scammed you out of your money.

What's ironic is that I've been able to wrap up the first two Junq Tour videos with the song "Grandpa". We shall aim for a third in 2019!

Listen to Grandpa


And we wrap up another Junq Tour. My sincerest apologies in my delay getting this one out. It's been a bumpy winter and my brain seemed to have ceased functioning sometime when the weather turned to minus 50 degrees Celsius.

Junq Tour 2019 has been planned out, and we've got a couple of new destinations on the map for this year! Hopefully I will find some un-tapped crap in those locations. Also, I shall try to both the video and the entries out a bit quicker this year. All I can do is try.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Junq Tour 2018: Ashern

Much to my surprise, they cleaned up the inside of the Ashern thrift store. It used to be mostly a pile of unorganized junk. The finds weren't as good this round...

Kevin Tjaden - The Awakening



Have you ever had the desire to prance through the forest and eat Eucalyptus? Me neither, but I never had the desire to listen to music that makes me want to do that shit. This album make me want to leave this cassette under a rock for the worms to eat. On second thought, that would be cruel to the worms. These songs go on forever, and they're just as boring as watching shit dry.

I'll be honest... I bought this cassette simply because of his moustache. That thing is so big and fluffy that I can't help but wonder if it's fake. I'm pretty sure if it was real, I'd hear it brushing against the microphone while he's singing his boring lyrics.

Listen to Disillusioned


Camp Arnes Favorites



Featuring a chorus of 29 campers! Big fucking whoop! On the plus side, not all of them are tone deaf. I honestly can't sit here and listen to this annoying, shitty tape.

First of all, look at the cover. It doesn't even have the name of the tape on it. All it wants you to do is celebrate wanna-be kiddie porn. No thanks.

Most of these songs are Christian songs, and would probably do well with someone better singing them. I doubt God wants to be praised like this.

Listen to There Is a Redeemer


The Sphere Clown Band - Sharing



Shopper's Drug Mart is known for giving you prescription drugs with fantastic service. How the hell they got into selling shitty Children's albums is beyond me.

First of all, everybody hates clowns. Second, everybody hates shitty children's songs. Contrary to what I just told you, the back of the tape says that "Their records are children's favourites". I have a feeling that is an outright lie. No children would like this garbage. One of the reviews on the back simply states, "Very Clever". He probably didn't even listen to this piece of crap and just wrote something generic.

Listen to Clownercize


Homer Noodleman - This is Homer Noodleman



This tape was still sealed, because nobody wants to own a cassette by a guy who's name implies that he plays with himself.

I wasn't expecting a comedy tape by some Englishman. At least I think he's English. He's not exactly funny either. I'd rather listen to Pee Wee Herman make fart noises with his dick. However, there is one song on here, and I had to include it. He can't sing worth a damn (nor play the violin), but I generally don't expect a comedian to be able to sing. I expect him to be funny. This guy can't do any of the above.

Listen to Love Me With All Your Heart.


Ron Nelson - Honestly



The back of the disc says "Simply. Beautiful. Music." None of those are sentences, so I have no clue why each word ends with a period. Also, it's a lie. Most of these songs sound the same: BORING. It wouldn't hurt if this guy would rock out instead of plinking his strings while singing as if he's scared his creepy uncle is hiding around the corner playing with his wee wee.

Listen to Please Set Me Free


Mr. Mark - Sing-a-ma-Jiggin'



It is beyond me how a grown ass man can sing the worst fucking music I've ever heard in my life. This is worse than the Clownercize and the Camp Arnes albums put together. You get farting noises, burping noises, tubas, and the sound of a guy who needs a fucking baseball bat to the face. If you want a glimpse of how terrible the lyrics are, have a look:



Seriously, I wouldn't want my own kid to listen to this horse shit. I'm ashamed to admit I'm from the same country as this guy.

Listen to Out The Window


The Fates - 'Til We Have Faces



Hey! What the fuck is going on??? I kinda like this! I wasn't expecting that from a CD where the back was mistakenly used as the back of the booklet, the back of the booklet was used as the cover, and the cover used as the back. Whoever had the job of laying out the CD needs to be fired.

Despite all the mistakes in the printing of the cover, this CD is actually pretty good! Give it a shot if you enjoy country-bordering-on-rock music without the shitty country singer with a wad of cow cud in his mouth.

Listen to Let It Go


Next is our final destination... Riverton!