Sunday, July 2, 2023

You Deserve an Update

 Figured I'd give you guys an update since I've been gone for a few months. I haven't left this place for dead. I'm still struggling with health issues. I'm exhausted as I type this. I did absolutely nothing yesterday and I woke up exhausted. My arms are tired and sore. My neck and back are usually in pain. Getting around to doing anything is difficult, let alone anything that I need to get done around the house and yard.

All the doctors I've seen so far have been unhelpful. One prescribed me a bunch of exercises. The more I did them, the more I lost the ability to do them. It's like my muscles deteriorate when I use them. Extended periods of taking things easy and doing very little have been the most helpful to me. I actually did see some improvement in my abilities and was ready to get back at tackling last year's Junq Tour. I started doing the exercises the doctor had given me which put me back into constant physical exhaustion. I stopped doing them two weeks ago and haven't recovered from them yet.

I've decided that I will not be going on the Junq Tour this year. I'm not sure if my body can handle two days of constantly getting in and out of a vehicle and walking around stores. Hell, I haven't even finished posting last year's tour!

I'm going to try and make an effort to get back at posting. I really miss it. Some laughter at untalented hacks may be just what the doctor ordered to pick up my spirits. As of late, my mental health is doing a bit better. The exhaustion is the uphill battle now. I still have more doctors appointments and such spread out over the next few MONTHS (hooray for Canada's health care system!) I'm pretty sure I know what I have, but I need the doctors to get off the path of exercise being the solution and look elsewhere for my problem. I had to quit my physically demanding job because all the exercise I was getting from it was absolutely killing me.

So keep staying tuned. I haven't lost my love for reviewing bad albums. I still pick them up when I get a chance to stop at a thrift store. I just need to find a process of tackling the backlog that's going to work for me while my body is struggling. Again, many apologies for my absence. See you soon.

Sunday, March 5, 2023

Junq Tour 2022: Steinbach

More apologies for my absence. My life has been full of doctor's appointments for both myself and my kid. When I'm not visiting the doctor, I'm exhausted to the point where I can't function due to whatever stupid undiagnosed health problem I'm dealing with. I also still have to work a real job which is getting more difficult as the weeks go by. So yeah, I'm not well. Good days are spent with family and bad days are spent sleeping. However, today is a good day and my family isn't around, so it's time to make it a bad day with some extremely terrible music. Let's finally get to the next Junq Tour installment!

Lax Luster - It's In The Blood

This is the only CD I bought at the Steinbach MCC. They used to have all kinds of weird crap there, but it seems the trash bin eats much of it up before it hits the racks. Anyway, this is a Winnipeg band, and they're actually quite listenable! They sound like a KISS knock-off which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world. However, the sixteen tracks on here don't really stand out from each other. If you've heard one drunken party rock song, you've heard pretty much all of them. If you're looking for deeper lyrics, you may want to scroll a little further down, but make sure you keep your hopes down too.

Listen to Let 'em Party

Live at Southern Nights

There is absolutely no band name listed on this CD, so I'm only going to assume that the band itself is called "Southern Nights". I have no proof, but this CD smells like it came from Branson Missouri. It sounds like Branson, the hype star makes it look like Branson, and the performances have that Branson quality to them.

The track listing on the back is all fucked up which made extracting the correct songs an absolute chore. Multiply that by two because the track listing on the back doesn't indicate what is on which disc. Also, two discs make this an excruciating listening experience. The performers are talented, but the performances are campy as hell.

Listen to Golden Ring
Listen to The Lion Sleeps
Listen to Rhinestone Cowboy
Listen to You're The One That I Want

Abe Reddekopp - Cowboy Songs of Yesteryear

More like Cowboy Songs of YesterCentury. These songs are really fucking old!

On the plus side, this is one of the more talented old guys I've listened to over the past few years. The CD is mixed well, but the cover took the talent of someone who only had 10 spare minutes of time in their day.

Listen to When The Work's All Done This Fall

Art Rempel - Accordion Favorites III

Due to popular demand, Art made two more volumes of accordion music after the first one went quadruple platinum. He also gets to keep all the profits because there isn't anybody else in the band. To keep other costs low, he recorded the album onto a cardboard box. On the plus side, his accordion skills are decent.

I got this CD sealed and the disc retainer was broken. How the hell does that happen?

Listen to Never on a Sunday

The Female Beat - Steppin' Out

The Female Beat's first album was released on K-Records, and yes I own it. It's a whole pile of good fun-time Ukrainian music! although the music is enjoyable, I have a couple of slight complaints about it.

The vocals have absolutely no effects on them. Joyce has a fairly boring voice, and that's when she does sing. A better mix on the album would have really brought it to life. I shall use this opportunity to declare that I'd mix their next album for free if they'd let me. A few tweaks could really bring a bit of extra life to this recording.

Regardless, the album is still good enough to go into my personal collection.

Listen to Memories of You
Listen to Casey's Polka

Sound Rage - When It Rains

Boy did this album start off strong! It was rocking pretty fucking good until the singer opened his mouth. The fact that this guy is the best singer in the band is absolutely pathetic. I can barf in tune better than he can sing.

The songs seem to have an early Metallica or Testament influence. They are also quite long, but I can't be bothered to sit through them for the most part because the singer is so bloody awful.

This band is from Steinbach, but due to the fact that they had a drummer, they didn't qualify to record their album at Silver Shit Streams.

Listen to Stain
Listen to Distant Minds

Mia - Crossroads

Looks like Mia attended a Grade 4 art class! Great job, Mia! You get a gold star for coloring inside the lines. Not sure why someone toilet-papered the cross in her art piece, but it's an interesting touch.

I'll be blunt... This album's more about the magnificent artwork. Mia's singing is mildly annoying, but the artwork on her album is totally fucking picasso. Check out her legless collage of herself on the back. Awesome!

Listen to Another Mountain

Rick Wedel Vol.2

Rick was in such a hurry to get volume two out to capitalize on volume one's success that he didn't even bother making a proper cover for it. He also got the track listing in descending order. Nice fucking job.

Well... It's not the worst thing I've ever heard. The mixes and recording quality vary quite a bit, but it's all somewhat acceptable. Rick tries to sing a bit too low at times which doesn't work very well. The song "Blowin' in the Wind" sounds like it was recorded with the microphone buried under a pile of dog shit. I can only hope volume one is better (if I ever find it).

Listen to Blowin' In The Wind

New Covenant

Three out of the four guys on the cover have bad mustaches. The one without a mustache has a bad mullet. With so much bad hair, you'd think they'd be extremely talented. They initially appeared to be, and I wasn't sure this album was going to qualify for this blog until I heard the second song. Apparently they put all their talent into the first song and every other fuck given went straight out the window for the rest.

The band and the female singer aren't credited anywhere on the album, so they get screwed on royalties. Then again, maybe they didn't want to be associated with this recording. I wouldn't either.

Listen to Child of the Light

Del-Keith Dubbin - Deal Me An Ace / The White Album

Surprisingly, Del-Keith played in a Manitoba band called "The Dovermen". You know who else was in that band? Bill Hillman from The Western Union! With that kind of talent, you think Del-Keith would be quite capable of recording a half decent solo album. Guess what? It's fucking terrible.

On the plus side, at least Del-Keith can shred the hell out of the guitar. Well, at least I thought he could until I looked at the credits and found out it's some other guy playing it. Mr. Guitar Player needs a solo album more than Del-Keith does. All of the other musical contributions are absolute garbage. Actually, it's worse than garbage... it's the water at the bottom of the garbage bag.

I'm pretty sure Del-Keith created the lyrics by wiping his ass with a blank sheet of paper. Seriously, these are some of the worst penned lyrics I've heard in my entire life, and this blog is full of terrible lyric-filled songs. There are no deep thoughts in songs such as "Landlady" or "Lil' Led Zeppelin Man", or any of the other masterpieces on this album.

Do you know what the worst part about this album is? I thought I was only getting six crappy songs according to the inlay. To my horror, there are three more crappy songs tacked on after the album is finished. It's like when you go into the bathroom to take a quick shit, and you're in there for 25 minutes.

Don't believe it's that bad? Have a listen for yourself.

Listen to Lil' Led Zeppelin Man
Listen to Landlady
Download the whole mess

Bristol Boys - Silver and Gold

These guys look like they're up to no good. One's gonna beat your head in with a cane, one's gonna sit on you, and one's gonna sing cowboy songs at you. You'd better go buy your urn!

I cracked open this sealed album only to discover another broken disc retainer. What the fuck? Did someone pre-smash all these disc retainers before sealing the cases?

Anyway, the album's compressed all to hell, the fiddle player sucks, and the longer you listen to it, the worse it gets. On top of that, they photoshopped a picture of an old guy onto the back of the CD because that was really important.

Listen to Whei En's Breakdown
Listen to Black Velvet Waltz

Mary Blatz - Mary's Country Favorites


Mary clocks in at around 820 years old. Believe it or not, she's the most talented one in the band. All the other band members are deaf and terrible. The fiddle player has three broken fingers on each hand.

Just look at that cover. You can tell that the photo was taken just before Mary beat the piss out of the fiddle player for doing such a shitty job on her album. Don't fuck with Mary!

Due to this being another Silver Shit Streams release, the drummer wasn't allowed in the recording studio.

Listen to I'll Be All Smiles Tonight
Listen to Bring Back My Blue Eyed Boy To Me
Listen to Have I Told You Lately That I Love You

Jasper - The Blood

Well, third time's a charm! Another sealed CD with a broken retainer.

This album is absolutely amazing. You can tell it was recorded in Jasper's parents' basement. Jasper is also the most gangsta of all the Christian rappers in the world. If you don't believe me, you will certainly change your mind after hearing "I Love God", "Amazing Grace", and "The Flyin' Lion in Zion".

This album contains three remixes which are just as lousy as the original versions. I would have preferred some new lyrics as opposed to new beats. However, I'm sure God loves every single song on this album.

Listen to Amazing Grace
Listen to I Love God
Listen to The Blood

Pete & Liese - God's Family

How fucking old are these people? Judging by their singing, they should have died 30 years ago from old age. Listening to them sing is akin to drinking expired milk. If you think that's my tape deck jittering, then you sadly haven't realized that it's actually Pete's voice. As for his wife, she's the squeaky wheel in the background.

Listen to I'm Willing Lord
Listen to I Believe Jesus Saves
Listen to I Won't Have To Cross Jordan Alone

The Sandersons - Everyday People

I've reviewed a lot of albums since I started this blog well over a decade ago. There's been some very laughable ones, some chalkboard-scraping ones, and even a few good ones. However, The Sandersons are one group that absolutely infuriate me when I listen to one of their coasters of digital garbage.

First of all, they're terrible musicians. The music they create is lousy. They also have a couple of the worst singing voices I've ever heard. However, I've built up a very tough skin when it comes to terrible musicians and singers. I've listened to countless hours of terrible hacks who think they can record their own hit albums.

The one thing that absolutely drives me up the fucking wall about The Sandersons is their decisions to captialize on the misfortunes of others to not only supposedly vindicate God's name, but to sell their shitty fucking albums. So who are the targets on this album? How about a victim in the Columbine high school massacre? If that's not enough, let's throw in one of the planes destroyed in the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Still not enough death for you? Well, let's throw in the Columbia Space Shuttle explosion too. Are we supposed to praise God for these people dying, or are we supposed to praise Him for not doing anything about it? All of this death occurs in the title track. Just for the hell of it, they recorded another song about Kate's niece Tianna who was adopted and apparently ended up with a disability. As per usual, Kate has to talk for about 1/3 of the album. Imagine being married to her.

This is The Sandersons' worst album by far. Sadly, this won't be the last time we hear from them on this Junq Tour.

Listen to Everyday People
Listen to Tianna's Song

I will again genuinely apologize for the slowness of getting this entry out. I'm hoping that I can get back on a somewhat regular schedule to get the rest of the Junq Tour posted. We're still not finished with Day one yet either! The next stop is Grunthal...

Saturday, January 14, 2023

Junq Tour 2022: Ste. Anne

Happy New year! My apologies for the Junq Tour entries crawling out the door. I appear to be suffering from a medical problem that is causing extreme exhaustion and making me sleep for 10 hours per day. I'm in the process of getting it diagnosed and dealt with. I'll get the entries out as efficiently as possible, but it's going to be slower than I'd like. Anyway, onto the haul...

I didn't come out of the Ste. Anne thrift store with a lot, and even more got filtered out. However, this entry just goes to prove that one really crappy album can make up the bulk of garbage from one thrift store.

Great Group Hits In Groups of 3+2: The Sounds of England's Top Groups

This one wins the best fucking album title of 2023. Great job, guys.

It's been a while since we visited our friends at Arc Records, and we've missed them. Their knock-off albums are the fucking worst things I've ever heard. And now it's time for their substandard re-creations of great songs to flush the toxins out of our eyes. Get your tissues ready...

On this album, Arc ever-so-unkindly gives us re-recordings of four bands: The Spencer Davis Group, The Hollies, The Kinks, and The Tremoloes. Two of those bands are pretty much one-hit-wonders (who's hits we will visit), but the bulk of trash here is made up of songs by The Kinks and The Hollies. The song by The Tremoloes is actually re-created quite accurately, but that's the only one. The Spencer Davis song has absolutely no backup vocals which is really weird because the rest of the songs had lots of (really bad) harmonies layered down. You can't tell me there wasn't anybody around to scream "Gimme Some Lovin!" in the background.

The Kinks gain a lot of respect from me for being able to stand on their own without recording tons of cover songs. Then we have the idiots at Arc Records who made their living doing that. Arc Records is from Canada, and this album contains a bunch of Canadians singing in their faux British accents. It's just as bad as you imagine it to be.

The Hollies are one of my most favourite bands of all time. I have nearly everything they've released (aside from the junk from the past 20 years). This album marks the first time I've ever seen someone make an incredible effort at fucking up their songs. The Hollies were known for their multi-layered harmonies. Arc Records takes those multi-layer harmonies and replaces them with a bunch of cats getting run over by a pick up truck. They're extremely out of tune with each other and it just sounds like a bad train wreck with all of the passengers on fire. It's so bad, that one of the "stop"s didn't make it into the song title "Stop, Stop, Stop". Also, the main singer of "On A Carousel" has a really bad cold.

Alas, I must now torture you with this horrible mess of covers...

Listen to Carrie-Anne
Listen to On A Carousel
Listen to Stop, Stop
Listen to Gimme Some Lovin'
Listen to Dead End Street
Listen to Sunny Afternoon
Listen to Autumn Almanac
Listen to Silence Is Golden

Sister Secrets

My God, when was the last time I dragged out the open reel machine? I used to see these tapes everywhere back in the 1990s and now when I see them, people ask antique prices for them. I bought three of these. I didn't think I was going to get anything but 70s light rock recorded off the radio until I hit tape three and found this gem that I'm going to share with you.

I believe there are four girls in this family. I have absolutely no clue who's interviewing them (maybe an uncle or something), but he gets each of the girls to give some dirt on all the others. It's a pretty fun recording. I did a bit of work on this one to make it a little easier on the ears, and it turned out well. Enjoy!

Listen to Sister Secrets

And that's all for this entry! We've got a big ton of stuff from Steinbach, so hold tight while I get it together.

Friday, December 23, 2022

Dashing Through The Trash

Jingle Bells, Nissan Sells
Kevin and Marg Harcourt!
Echoes of Glory, I'm so sorry,
And family time with Bort! 


Echoes of Glory - Joy To The World

Let's all gather around the Christmas tree and admire all the silver shit streams dangling down as we listen to one of the better acts to visit the Steinbach recording studio. Seriously, these songs aren't too awful, although there is still a ban on drums at the studio. It also appears that Silver Streams upgraded their recording equipment from a shoebox tape recorder to one of those Tascam 4 track recording thingies. Although the performances aren't a mess, the mix is kinda weird.

The song (or story) "The Cobbler's Dream" is kind of fucked up. The cobbler goes outside to gather green balls to decorate the Christmas tree. Green balls of what? Shit? He also feeds Jesus relish, because we all know our Lord and Savior loves relish.

Listen to Mary's Boy Child
Listen to The Cobbler's Dream

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - A Country Christmas

I touched on the fact that The Harcourts recorded a Christmas album here, but I finally found an actual copy of it. This is probably the rarest Harcourt album since I see every other fucking lousy cassette they've ever recorded all the time.

We can see on the cover that Kevin's creepy uncle is drunk by the fireplace again. Better not get too close there buddy, or your breath will set you ablaze! Kevin must have had a few as well since his guitar playing isn't too good on here.

Listen to Silent Night

Bert Wytinck, Family and Friends - Merry Christmas From Our Family To Yours

Bert returns to Classical Gas Emissions with a Christmas album! I covered one of his albums here. This time, he chose to make an unnecessarily long album (and band) title, just to give my hands a bit more carpel tunnel.

There are sixteen fucking songs on here, and they're all extremely stale performances of your favourite Christmas tunes. The entire album plays like it's on Benadryl. I'd advise that you take some yourself so you can sleep through this one.

Listen to Run Run Rudolph
Listen to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Listen to Baby, It's Cold Outside

The Nissan Night Before Christmas

What better way to wrap up this year's Christmas entry than with a double album containing a shameless automobile sales promotion! This thing was apparently sent to radio stations, but who knows if anybody even played this piece of shit.

You get a weird ass Christmas story narrated by some guy who's probably a car salesman. The villain in this story is some company called "Trans-Global Amalgamated". I wonder if this company had anything to do with that?

Ever hear the song "Don't Cry Joe"? How about the story of the Christmas spider featuring a cameo appearance by Jesus? Or how about the burning carving of baby Jesus that burned down a small town and killed a young boy? You get them all here! Great fucking album!

Listen to Don't Cry Joe

Listen to The Christmas Spider (featuring Jesus)
Listen to The Death of Juan
Download the whole mess!

After Christmas, we'll get back to posting Junq Tour reviews. There's a ton more to cover, so we'll see you soon!

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: Niverville

Niverville's thrift store has never appeared on the Junq Tour. It's a shame because their prices are generally fantastic, and their blog-worthy content is plentiful. So let's dive in!

In Love With The Flute

There is absolutely no artist listed anywhere in the inlay, so I cannot assume that the flute player is a human. All the credit goes to "Fastforward Music". There's a good reason they're called that which I'm sure you can figure out.

This album contains weather-channelled versions of all your favourites like "Wind Beneath My Wings". I have yet to meet a single person who hates that song. I'm sure you love it and I'm sure you think I love it too.

Listen to Groovy Kind of Love because Wind Beneath My Wings sucks

The Wood Knotts

I wood have expected this album to have a drummer on it since it's knott recorded at Silver Shit Streams. However, there is knott a drummer to be found. I also wood've preferred these guys to be proficient at their instruments, but they are knott.

Although the songs themselves are okay on this album, the squeaky violins make you long for the days when chalkboards still ruled the classrooms.

Listen to Waltzing Through The Leaves

Spokesmen - I Have Seen The Light

I cracked open the seal on this one to let all the nasty demons onto the internet. For a tape that was sealed, there's certainly a lot of dropouts on this recording. Perhaps the master tape at Ontrack Audio Recordings gets reused for every shitty artist after they do their run of 50 cassettes (that they only sell three of).

I am so desperately trying to resist peeling off the gold foil seal. What's under it? A smiley face? A picture of the yellow Teletubby? A vortex into a dimension where everything is just as awful as this album? That one scares me the most.

The songs themselves are corny and awful. The vocals are dry, loud and lousy. The beginnings and ends of songs are cut off. Obviously an extremely professional project done by masters of their field. Billie Eilish should hire them to work on her albums. I would send her the names of these professionals, but their names are strangely absent from the liner notes.

Listen to Walk Dem Golden Stairs

Richard S Unruh - Harmonicas Vol. 2

Volume 1 is here!

I have volume 3 but I haven't reviewed it yet.

Silver Shit Streams enjoys recording Richard S. Unruh because he always shows up without a drum set. Because harmonicas can easily grate on your nerves, the team of recording engineers at Silver Shit Streams drown the hell out of Richard's harmonica playing with reverb and echo. There is easily 30+ minutes of this racket for you to not enjoy. If you combine the other two volumes, there is easily 90+ minutes of this noise for you to not enjoy. You'd be better off listening to Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. At least that only lasted for one album.

Listen to I Saw One Hanging On a Tree

The Good Will Singers - Our Life is Like a Summer's Day

Either this album looked like a real treasure, or I was completely oblivious during the Junq Tour because I bought three fucking copies of it. At least now I have a couple of tapes to record someone more talented.

So, is your life like a summer's day? Well, you can compare anything to a summer's day. Candy is like a summer's day. So is beer. And vaginas. And maybe even dog shit. All of it works if you truly believe it.

This is a Silver Shit Streams special which means there are no drums on this recording. I'm guessing drums are the devil's instrument. Anyway, this album sounds like a cross between The Chipmunks and an old D*sney special. All the musicians on the album decided it was a good idea to include all of their phone numbers on the inlay, so if you find one of the voices talented enough, you can phone them and ask them to sing for you.

Listen to Our Life Is Like a Summer's Day

Circle of Friends - The World's Greatest Story

I have the world's greatest story for you... When I was rewinding this cassette, it broke at the splice which would have prevented any of you from hearing this garbage. Unfortunately, I am proficient in repairing cassettes.

As with any Silver Shit Streams release, drums are nowhere to be found. Another Silver Shit Streams trait is to have absolutely no talented people in the group. All of these voices sound awful together, and they also sound awful when singing solo. When you put two people together who sing flat, it sounds like they're going to break down crying and jump off a bridge at the end of the recording session. Hell, I was ready do jump off a bridge after transferring this tape.

Listen to On The Wings of a Dove

Listen to The Darkest Hour

Listen to He Didn't Stop at Calvary

Listen to The Lord Is My Shephard

Jerry Krabbenhoft and the Valley Playboys

I have no clue if this CD originally came with a cover, or if Jerry just burned this and tossed it in a slimmy to give out at the bar. Speaking of the bar, the CD features of picture of Jerry getting drunk before his recording session. If I'm honest, the first track is actually somewhat enjoyable. Unfortunately, that's the only one.

The rest of the album is destroyed by bad effects, bad covers, bad everything. You're best bet is to join Jerry for five beers on the first track and then you won't give a shit how bad the rest of the album is. You're better off using the CD as your beer coaster.

Listen to Silver Wings

Listen to Ring of Fire

Listen to Ways of a Woman In Love

The Penners Jedichta - Wo Steit Daut Met Dee Kjoakje?

Let's take a break from bad singing and listen to someone read German Poetry over cheap Casio music. Silver Streams apparently doesn't allow synthesized drums either.

Listen to Jesus Kaum Spiziare

Bert & Liz - Railway To Heaven

Bert & Liz made one appearance here in 2012.

Surprisingly, I have never seen another album by them until this year's Junq Tour. In fact, they are the stars of the Junq Tour this year. I picked up multiple albums by them, and they're absolutely fucking terrible.

First of all, look at the album cover. Bert & Liz are in black and white, and they've been badly photoshopped to make it look like they're standing on a lake full of orange juice. Let it be known that Bert & Liz are the second and third persons in history who have the ability to walk on water.

On the inlay, we get to see a picture of Bert & Liz with their two children. I'm always surprised at how many people put family pictures inside their album liner notes. For two songs, Bert & Liz give us a break from their terrible vocals and let one of their kids sing. Unfortunately, he's terrible as well.

Every song on here is awful. Railway to Heaven has the worst ending I've ever heard on a song, nobody can play in time, they used a Yamaha instead of a Casio, and somebody's cassette deck hated this album so much that it chewed it up. In fact, I'll probably have a shot at chewing on it myself after this entry is posted.

Listen to Life's Railway to Heaven

Listen to I'll Fly Away

Download the whole thing!

We'll be moving onto St. Anne next, but perhaps we'll do something a bit Christmassy so you won't feel like Santa left you out.