I finally had a chance to sit down and scan through some old Betamax videotapes that have been collecting. Lots of them had movies and TV shows on them, but I came across a couple that were projects of some high school students.
In the 1980s and 1990s, teen pregnancy was a HUGE issue. Both of the high schools I went to had built in day cares, and one even offered "child care" as a genuine credit. Hell, I was tempted to take the class just to hang out with the girls who were taking it! Anyway, I don't hear much about teen pregnancy these days. Today's fad is high school violence.
This is a play about two girls who get knocked up by the same guy. It was very obviously recorded in the 1980s. It's worth watching the whole 35+ minutes of it just because of the atrocious acting and story.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Posted by Ben Century at 4:42 PM
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Valentine's day is quickly approaching, and you're going to want some albums to put you and your lover in a state of romance after exchanging balloons, stuffed animals, and whatever other store-bought shit you've decided to waste the majority of your paycheck on. Oh yeah, and let's not forget about pigging out on the overpriced waxy chocolate in the heart-shaped box. After the two of you are thoroughly bloated, you'll feel the sexual vibes in the air. Light some candles, and put on one of these albums to increase the passion between the both of you on this very special day...
Nothing gets a woman's juices flowing faster than the coolness of The Fonz. The Impressionist Track will make her wet for any nerd, The Fonz Song will inspire her to grab your cock and sit on it, and you'll slide your salami inside and out of her while listening to The Fonzarelli Slide. If you bought the LP version of this album, there's a cut-out at the back so you can stand the album up on your night stand like a picture, and she can look deep into Fonzie's eyes as you fuck her doggystyle.
Pump along to:
The Fonz Song
The Fonzarelli Slide
Medical and Social Aspects of Venereal Disease
Pour your lover a nice glass of wine and surprise her with this romantic album. Put your arms around her, look into her eyes, and kiss her passionately as you listen to a panel of specialists discuss the romantic notions of foaminating urethral discharge. The both of you will be filled with ecstacy while this panel of love specialists use their low, seductive voices to discuss the treatment of Gonnorhea.
Turn yourself on to the entire album!
Teo Mance - Romance
Teo is becoming a fixture here on Classical Gas Emissions, and this time around he brings us some absolutely mesmerizing music for lovers. Your partner will have immensely pleasurable orgasms as you fist fuck her to Teo's gorgeous rendition of "Happy Together". Teo Mance has put great effort into this album, and any woman will remain with you for all eternity after hearing the heart-stopping acoustic renditions of these romantic favorites.
...unless she sobers up.
Get all hot and bothered listening to "Happy Together"
I sincerely hope that I helped you and your lover cover each other in body fluids and filled you with hot passion. Feel free to use any of the above albums for your wedding reception!
Posted by Ben Century at 6:15 AM
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's been forever since I've posted any goofy pictures that I've taken while out and about. It doesn't mean I've stopped doing it! So, here's a bit of a catch-up from the last two years of me being distracted by bad music...
Thrift Store Items:
Life is always an adventure!
Posted by Ben Century at 7:04 PM
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Welcome to 2014! I'm going to be renewing web hosting for classicalgasemissions.com yet again. Hooray for longevity!
Since the new year always brings out the empty promises of those who want to change something about themselves, I'm going to help all of you keep those empty promises. If you're a fat fuck or an evil, dirty smoker, I have good news for you...
Reveen - Stop Smoking and Overeating
It's the official record of New Years Day! Reveen passed away earlier in 2013 from diabetes and dementia. After listening to this record, I truly believe that Reveen had dementia from birth. His voice is laughably annoying on this record. He sounds like a cheap imitation Hutterite who believes he's a messenger from God.
Half of the record is spent putting the listener into a trance. If the power happens to go out or the record starts skipping while you're in the trance, you're extremely fucked. You will spend your life in a trance, pissing your pants and starving your way into the grave while waiting for Reveen to bring you back to your normal state.
I searched the internet for people who successfully quit smoking from this album, but came up empty. That doesn't mean you can't be the first one though! You can still buy this album at reveen.com. To eliminate the risk of putting my readers into a trance and taking my words from this blog as self-improvement (wouldn't that be a disaster), I cut out the part that puts you in the trance and just left the meat. I'm pretty sure the trance inducement part is the same on each side anyway.
Listen to Reveen's Stop Smoking Message
Listen to Reveen's Stop Overeating Message
Joseph Lampl - The Record Way to Stop Smoking
The back of the record says "A record player can do more than play music". Of course it can! You can put your hamster on it, set it at 78 RPM, and make him puke.
The first thing I noticed when I listened to this record is the first part was sampled in the Tony! Toni! Tone! song "Feels Good" from 1990. If I were to use this record to try and quit smoking, I would fail to concentrate because I'm waiting for the cool funk of a washed-up R&B group to hit my ears and make me happy.
Side one of this record doesn't put you in a trance. It's just full of positive reinforcement. After you're done listening, feel free to have a cigarette to celebrate your conclusion to this healthy meal of knowledge.
Side two puts you in a trance, and this guy's voice won't make you burst out laughing like Reveen's does. However, this guy spends pretty much no time nor effort on the trance. He just kinda tells you to feel relaxed for two minutes, and then just says the same things that Reveen does.
So, I've decided to bring you Side One. It seriously sounds like something you'd hear at a cult meeting.
Listen to Side One
Now that I've given you the tools, I expect all of you to become skinny ex-smokers by the end of 2014. If you don't, then I expect you to read this blog entry over and over until you do.
Posted by Ben Century at 2:53 PM
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
In the next couple of weeks, I hope to be finishing up tracks for an album that I've been recording for what seems to be FOREVER. I began working on it in 2004 after becoming fed up with the last band I played in, took a break starting in 2006 to focus on raising my son, then started getting back at it in 2010. It's now nearly complete, and I'm hoping at releasing it by Spring, if not earlier. I guarantee you that the quality is 100 times better than the crap that I post on here which it should be, because I have hundreds of examples on how NOT to make it!
Anyway, onto the entry. In my desperation to cut down the bulk in my "in queue" boxes, I've decided to tackle some boxed sets. People sure come up with stupid ideas, and the REALLY stupid ideas seem to manifest themselves in large packages. Let's begin...
Night Moves: The Professional Approach to Disco Dance Instruction
YES! Learn how to Disco like the pros and win over all the hotties on the dance floor! This set comes with two records and an instruction book. Learn the popular moves that all the kids were doing in 1978 like The Airplane Walk, The Guitar, The Worm, The Dog, and The Mork. These dances are guaranteed to make you look like a disco turkey who's been sniffing too much oven cleaner.
K-Tel really knew how to market for the times. This instruction set came out in 1979, the year Disco went down the toilet. According to Wikipedia, "On July 21, 1979, the top six records on the U.S. music charts were disco songs. By September 22 there were no disco songs in the US Top 10 chart. Some in the media, in celebratory tones, declared disco dead and rock revived." K-Tel took the unsold Disco Dance boxed sets to a landfill, set them on fire, crushed them with a steam roller, covered them in concrete, covered them in a waterproof coating of rubber, and finally buried them under 300 tons of turkey droppings. The site is currently guarded by members of the Canadian military, and anybody who attempts to rescue the poor unwanted disco instruction sets will be beaten in the head with a hockey stick.
Here's how to do "The Guitar"
Listen and learn how to do the Jester's Kick!
Dating, Mating and Relating
Now that you've met your ideal woman by doing all the hottest disco moves you learned with the last box set, it's time to settle down. When you get married (or are on the verge of marriage), one of your asshole religious family members is going to give you something that will ensure that you remain happily married, no matter how much of a bitch or fuckwad your mate turns out to be. You'll get something like this 4 cassette program on how to have a great life with the person who messes up your hormones to the point of oozing in your underpants. This boxed set comes with a work book so you can treat your marriage and sex life like a school course, and we all know nothing gets couples hornier than filling out a workbook. You'll have more fun doing this if you keep your pencil in one hand and your pecker in the other.
I skipped all the other tapes and went directly for the sex tape. The female narrator (Tamara) starts off with the subject of cooking. Then she talks for about five minutes about how sex is wrong outside of marriage. And then she starts talking about giving your mate pet names.
I was hoping that this particular cassette tape would help me become a porn star in the bedroom. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed. The best piece of information I got from this tape was that it's sexy to call your woman a "hairless Siberian Husky". Somehow I doubt this piece of advice will cause a panty-filtered waterfall to occur.
The best part about this tape set is the work book. It's unfortunate that the previous owners didn't fill it out. The one page on sex is more in-depth than the entire cassette series. The couple who made this course are either embarrassed to talk about sex, or they're embarrassed that their sex life isn't more interesting.
Listen to tips on hot sex!
Now that you're married and having hot sex with your hairless Siberian Husky, let's move onto something you can do together.
They're At The Post
I'd heard about these games on the internet, so I jumped at the opportunity to own one when I saw it at a garage sale which was being held at a seniors' complex. It's a horse racing game that comes with four records, all containing horse races. The unique thing about these records is that each side contains multiple parallel grooves. You plop the needle down, and it will play one of the horse races completely at random! You never know which one you're going to get! Digitizing an entire record would be a fucking nightmare.
Listen to a race!
There's nothing like having a fun evening beside the record player, betting on which parallel groove you're going to hear. The description on the box is a technical wonder. "8 complete races on 4 LP records computerized for over 190 different finishes." Computerized? What an odd word to use for a piece of analog-encoded vinyl. According to my math, there should be 24 grooves on each record side which makes a total of 192 races. I'm tempted to peel off the Daryl Wells sticker to see what they actually covered up. Perhaps they had Pat Boone calling the races and didn't feel like redesigning the box after he left to read bible stories for children.
And that's it! I'm off to finish recording my album. I personally can't wait to join the ranks of Arnie, Teo Mance, Kevin Harcourt, and all the other famous singers who have made Classical Gas Emissions the ultimate source for talented musical geniuses.
Posted by Ben Century at 8:12 PM