Sunday, May 17, 2015

Audio Pack-Ins

It's rainy and cold outside, so what better time than now to entertain you with some oddball stuff! This round, I'm focusing on that 'gray area' again, but with the not-so-mainstream releases. Qualifying this stuff as "releases" is even a bit of a stretch, because these recordings came packed in with another product. These were made during a time when the world was a great place to live in, and you actually got excited about the bonuses that came with the piece of junk that you purchased.

I've covered a couple of these items before such as the Bunny Boppers 45 RPM record which (from what I heard from multiple sources) came with a chocolate Easter bunny, and the 45 RPM record which came with your Ken doll. The Bunny Boppers song was fun, but the Ken record leaves little hope for decent future Barbie-related music. There may be a bit of nostalgia for you here, so enjoy it while it lasts because I'll be back to posting annoying crap after this entry...

Bobby Sherman Cereal Box Records

What's odd is that I have two of these, and I'm pretty sure I bought them at separate locations. If you asked me to name one of Bobby Sherman's hit songs, I'd probably answer something like "Ummm.... Bobby Shit what???" The only thing Bobby Sherman was good at was making young girls squeal with delight with his semi-unbuttoned shirt. Other than that, I have no idea what his appeal was. However, these records contributed to many women getting fat, because this record came packed-in with boxes of Sugar Crisp. Thanks alot, Bobby!

Calling these things "records" is an overstatement. It's just laminated cardboard with mildly audiable record grooves etched into it. If you ever wanted to know what cardboard sounds like on your turntable, you need not look any further than Classical Gas Emissions. The same goes for hard drive platters, transparency sheets, blister pack plastic, and CDs.

These Bobby Sherman songs were released commercially, although these may be edited down recordings. But free music is free, so you have no right to bitch! I also have no desire to listen to any of his official releases to verify my assumptions that these are edited. His music falls under the category of "70s wimpy mushy baby poo music".

Listen to I Think I'm Gonna Be Alright
Listen to Waiting At The Bus Stop

Jem "Jetta" cassette

Jem was an animated show in the mid-to-late 1980s about fictional girl bands. The show's audience was intended to be young girls, however, the show occasionally mis-fired and sent their shots at questionably straight men who may or may not have homosexual tenancies. I had one such friend who fanatically recorded Jem songs from the television show. Later in life, all my other friends thought he was a fag.

This cassette came with the Jetta doll. Jetta was one of the characters in the show. Most of the dolls came with a cassette featuring songs that they sang. In other words, if you bought enough Jem dolls and collected enough cassettes, you'd be able to have a Woodstock doll party! Too bad Glenn Danzig wasn't invited to help make The Misfits cool again.

Songs from the Jem series consisted of generally awful 80s tripe, and the songs usually clocked in around one minute. The B-side of the cassettes had instrumental versions of the A-side, so you can dance around your bedroom in your panties, sing into your hairbrush, and be a Jem girl yourself!

Listen to the songs:

Jem Theme
Who Is She Anyway?
Designing Women
Jem Theme (instrumental)
Who Is She Anyway? (instrumental)
Designing Women (instrumental)

Alf "Melmac Rock" Burger King Record

And now, we (finally) have something for the boys!

Alf was an alien (read: puppet) who came from the planet Melmac (read: some Chinese slave labour company who makes puppets), crashed his spaceship into the Tanner's family garage (read: idea for a great sitcom) and craves to eat cats (read: influenced by the diet of the Chinese slaves who made the puppet)

This record came with an "Alf Activity Pack" that I purchased from Burger King in the late 1980s. I believe they sold for four or five bucks. They came with stickers, puzzles, and the item that was the ultimate prize: the record. We are again presented with a laminated piece of cardboard. At least the Jem cassettes had the potential of giving better quality. In the United States, the records came with puppets as opposed to activity packs.

There were four records in the series: Take Me Alf To The Ballgame, Cookin' With Alf, Melmac Rock, and Melmac Girls. Although I had the first three, two of them have disappeared in the last 25 years. The best one of the bunch was "Cookin With Alf" which I unfortunately no longer have. If you listen to these, you'll notice that Alf kind of just talks through the songs as opposed to actually singing them. That's because Paul Fusco (who is the voice of Alf) can't fucking sing, and never intended to be a rock and roll star. However, money from merchandising can easily change anybody's mind.

The song is pretty terrible...

Listen to Melmac Rock

Alf was eventually turned into a Saturday morning cartoon. Unlike the Jem theme song, the animated Alf theme song has aged gracefully and in my opinion should be nominated for an award as one of the greatest theme songs recorded in the 1980s. To prove my point, I dug through my personal cassette collection and found a copy of the theme song I recorded directly from television in 1990. The reason I did this is because the DVD releases only include the pilot's error-ridden version which sucks ass.

Listen to the animated Alf theme song

There's a lot of other things that could have qualified for this entry, but I decided to focus mainly on the stuff that was aimed toward kids, which also explains why a lot of this stuff is hard to find. Think about it, when you're a kid, are you concerned about keeping things in good shape so you can enjoy a nice round of nostalgia in your 30s? HELL NO. Records turn into frisbees, cassettes get recorded over with gangsta rap, and toys get stepped on and thrown into the trash by your parents.

We'll be back with more blog fodder after these messages!

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Wrong Number

Nobody should ever get me as a wrong number. EVER.

This is one of the worst things I've ever done. I probably shouldn't have done it, but the opportunity was there, and I just had to take advantage of it.

I was training a new guy at work who had just received his work phone. While I was helping him with something, he received a text message...

He smiled and showed it to me. We both pondered over this text message for a while. He was thinking of telling her she had the wrong number, but of course I convinced him otherwise. He let me have his phone, and I wrote a simple response to her. After that, he got another message. Things got a bit more interesting. The best we could figure is this person is an acquaintance of the guy who quit his job a couple of months ago. Repercussions? None! Fuck it, I was gonna have some fun with this!

So throughout the day, he was getting me to respond to her text messages. Enjoy!

My co-worker thought I'd blow it with what I sent next. Nope!

At this point, it was the end of the work day and I wanted to continue messaging her, so I sent her my number. The screenshot below was her continuing to text my co-worker's phone.

And now, here's my phone...

Shit... She apologized to my wife. That's not good! I knew I had to end it at this point.

I haven't heard from her since. I have no clue if she found out she was messaging a total stranger or what, but this was certainly fun while it lasted!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Album: Heavy Hits Vol. 1

OOOOOH YESSS!!!! I bought another one! You can check out my other Exclusive Records review here. These guys are the absolute worst of the batch. They beat out Fantastic F, Avenue of America, and Arc all put together. This is the shit, and I mean SHIT. This is volume one of a.... Well, if we've learned anything about cheap imitation albums, it's that a "volume one" listed on the album cover doesn't necessarily mean that there's going to be a volume two. Or, it could mean the complete opposite and indicate that there's going to be a volume 29.

I'm not gonna waste any more of your time, so let's get to the highlights of this record...

Rockin' Robin

Nothing says "heavy" like a jazzy boppy tune like Rockin' Robin! Listen to those dark tweedly deedly deets! Feel the soul crushing clapping! And those demonic lyrics make you wanna break an egg! The flute player is totally out to lunch on this one. He's smoke too much weed, went off wandering in the woods, and is tripping out while watching the magical winged creatures of the forest. At the end of the song, we have a special appearance by Mr. Bassman himself!

Listen to Rockin' Robin

Sadly, this is the best of the three that I'm featuring here. Let's move on to browner pastures...

Rock And Roll Pt. 2

Gary Glitter's original version featured very little lyrical content other than a bunch of pedophelic men screaming "HEYYYY" throughout the entire song. This version features very little screaming of the word "HEYYYY". It's mostly some guy playing the same boring beat on the drums, and... well I guess the guitar guy is okay since he does a fine job playing the riff, although there seems to be some disconnect between him and the vocalists. I can't believe I just called them "vocalists". They could have just got some guy belching into the microphone which could have been just as effective, so I mixed one into the song just for fun.

If this version were played at a sporting event, the players would just walk off the field and go home.

In case you were wondering, all of Gary Glitter's royalties from this album go towards the purchase of a new pocket pussy. Too bad the record was released in the early 1970s and is no longer in print, so Gary's gonna have to wait a few years to get out of jail and claim his prized piece of silicone... if the royalties even amount to the value of one.

Listen to Rock and Roll Pt. 2

School's Out

If you like nails on a chalk board, this one is perfect for you! The vocalist sounds like a black man trying to put some soul into his delivery, the children sing out of key, and the guitar is probably just a broken bugle. It sounds as if there's only two children in this recording who are most likely the record producer's kids. If this version were released instead of Alice Cooper's masterpiece, teenagers everywhere would be without an anthem and would have to resort to "Rockin' Robin" for their heavy metal fix.

I'll be surprised if you make it through the entire recording.

Listen to School's Out

Yeah, I've been a bit skimpy in putting together entries as of late. I've been busy being all stressed out from some of life's events, but they've drastically improved over the last few weeks. Things are on their way up! As a side note, I had a friend inherit a big pile of records, and there's some pretty awful finds in there. I really didn't need more crap to review, but she assures me that there's some pretty stinky turds in the pile.

In more news, in case you didn't hear through the Facebook page, the Junq Tour will likely be returning this fall! I'll be back on the hunt throughout the thrift stores of Manitoba, looking for things to torture you with!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Found Foot Videos

I recently found a couple of laptops. One was dead, but this one worked fine although it has Windows Vista installed. I swear that Vista is a hundred times worse than Windows ME was. I've used quite a few Windows ME installs that worked fine, but Vista always seems to be extremely slow and chunky. I upgraded the RAM a bit in this laptop, just so it would run a bit better.

This computer belonged to a woman named Jenny who seems to be into new age stuff and has her own blog. Normally I would post stuff that she's written, but because it's already located elsewhere on the internet, I've decided to leave it alone.

She looks pretty fucking happy for someone who's about to be eaten by a wolf.

The most interesting thing I found on this laptop was FIVE videos about feet. They're cute, but I think five videos qualifies as an obsession or fetish.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Twisting Your Ears Off

It's time to post more of the garbage I buy.

The Twist was the Macarena of the 1960s. Everybody was twisting. If you have no clue what The Twist was, it's basically when you shake your ass side to side to a song about shaking your ass side to side. Fat people shouldn't twist. Unlike the Macarena, The Twist is much easier to learn. Due to The Twist being not incredibly sophisticated, it's obvious that people in the 1960s were dumber. All they did was live in their caves, club their women over the head, and then force them to twist.

I have two Twist albums. I would've had three, but the most recent one I found was too scratched up to play. Both of these albums mention how The Twist is the hottest dance craze in 20 years. They both also claim to have all the biggest twisting hits on one record. The funny thing is, aside from the song "The Twist", the songs on each are different. Because I have so many songs dedicated to twisting, I have dubbed myself the king of twist. Bow down to me and watch me shake my ass in celebration!

I've included the song "The Twist" from each album along with one other popular song that came out of the craze.

The Twisters - C'Mon, Let's Do The Twist

Arc's records are very consistent in disappointing me with their quality. This stuff is typical of their "we suck arse" musicianship. The only "original" thing about this album is apparently the tempo, and maybe the album cover. At least the singer on "The Twist" kinda sounds like Chubby Checker's untalented distant cousin.

The other song I've featured was a hit for Gary US Bonds called "Quarter To Three" and was a favourite of mine when I was a young boy. However, Arc decided to let the record producer and the janitor sing along on this track. The result is a sound worse than a bad karaoke night at the mental institution.

Listen to The Twist
Listen to Quarter To Three

The Charlie "Hoss" Singleton Combo - The Big Twist Hits

Not only is this band's name worse than "The Twisters", the music is a bunch of "hoss" shit. Surprisingly, this album came from RCA records' budget label "Camden". You'd think this would be a quality product. Shows what I know. The RCA dog probably went and intentionally fed himself to a bear after this came out.

But I don't need to write anything funny about this record. The back of the album cover provides plenty of laughs...

Personally, I'd prefer a one-legged waltz over a one-armed banjo player, a one-armed bass player, and a tone deaf singer. (I had to leave out the one-armed drummer comment to avoid being sued by Def Leppard). Yes, somebody decided to play a fucking banjo on this incarnation of "The Twist".

The only other song I know on here is "Twist Again". I've never liked "The Peppermint Twist". Some of the other songs are "Dear Lady Twist", "Twist-her", "The Big Twist", and "Little Brown Jug - Twist". Yup, all the hits are here, even if they weren't hits!

Listen to The Twist featuring a BANJO
Listen to Let's Twist Again

Now wasn't that a fun time? No? Well don't worry, I have a nice Macarena workout video that has yet to be posted.