Thursday, January 3, 2019

Adult Party 8-tracks

I hope you're all still having your new year's party, because the party isn't over if you haven't played any of these PARTY 8-TRACKS!!!

But not all is lost if you ended your party shortly after midnight on January 1st. For those of you who made a new years resolution to masturbate more and have more porn in your life, I'll happily help you with that. Well... not literally.

I must have been in the wrong place when I was transferring these. My usual cafe that I blog at (mainly made up of bible students) was closed over the holidays, so I ventured into a mostly Asian cafe and got strange looks from the people around me playing with their iPhones while I was playing my 8-tracks.

Anyway, let's check out these tapes. Be forewarned that clicking on the images uncensors them. This stuff is NSFW!

Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned

I generally expect that when I buy an 8-track that says "Party Tape", it's going to be pornographic. This one is not. It's just some vulgar comedy tape. I didn't care to listen to the whole thing. I just listened to a chunk of program 4, copied whatever I heard, and that's pretty much all you need from this one.

Listen to Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

Sensuous Men and Women

I had a terrible time trying to get this fucking tape to play properly. Outside of putting it in a new shell, I got it playing decently with the occasional warble in it. It was obviously played a lot, and who knows what kind of a sick bastard owned it before me.

According to the label, I've never heard a recording so real. I call bullshit on that. This tape is purely ficticious and has a cast of nasty sounding people. There is pretty much nothing sensuous about this recording.

Listen to Sensuous Men and Women

How To Do It

Now we're talking!

There's a common plot with a lot of these tapes. Somebody goes to a therapy session and tells the therapist (with great detail and sound effects) about their sexual adventures. Within the first minute, you get to hear the award-winning expression, "I felt hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire". You know you're in for one hell of a ride after hearing a phrase like that!

This is the best tape of the lot, and if your parents are gone to bed, feel free to play this while they're sleeping to really mess with their dreams.

Listen to How To Do It

Well, hopefully you haven't creamed all over your computer from listening to these albums, unlike me.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Christmas is Ruined... Again.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And my balls are made of Jello! Welcome to this year's Christmas massacre, and you're gonna hate every minute of it...

Christmas With Kawai

It's time to pull out your organ and slap it with your jingle balls! Nothing says Christmas like Granny sitting at the organ while everyone else drinks to make the sound more enjoyable. This album came from Kawai Canada Music, and we couldn't be any more pleased that they decided not to sing on it. It's honestly not that bad though.

Listen to Sleighride
Download the whole album.

Canadian Christmas

Jingle Bells, boogie oogie bells, disco all the way! I shit you not, those are the lyrics in the Gloria Medley.

The fine print at the bottom says, "60 singers and musicians". In other words, 60 people either got paid very little or didn't get paid anything for performing on this under-selling piece of shit. According to the cover, this thing was advertised! Where and how is anybody's guess. Throwing unsold copies at people's heads in K-mart counts as advertising.

But guess what? I already covered this piece of shit! Click here to see the original entry!

The album was re-named "Disco Christmas Party" and had new artwork made for it. If you look at the copy I previously reviewed, you can see the original cover bleeding through the one they plastered over top. So, feel free to enjoy this one again. Well, maybe not again since I didn't post the whole thing last time, but I will this time!

Ruben Latour - Christmas Favorites

I don't like this guy! He makes me want to hate Christmas! He sounds like a cheap imitation opera guy that needs to be beaten over the head with Burl Ives' beard and buried in an igloo. Ruben put his address on the back of the album, so I'm gonna go dig up Burl Ives and have him FedEx'ed over there.

My laptop doesn't like tracks 6-14, and I can't say I blame it. I wouldn't be playing this piece of shit either if I were a computer. So because of that (and because I'm lazy), you're only getting the first track. If you would like me to set up a Gmail account to personally thank my laptop, I can do that.

Christmas Carols Choir Practice

Christmas is a very happy time. Everyone's opening their gifts, people are drinking eggnog and rum, and then some asshole downloads this "album" off my blog and ruins all the magic for the entire evening.

This is a bunch of children (whether or not they're special needs children is anybody's guess), rehearsing for a Christmas concert, and when I say "rehearsing", I really mean "learn as many lyrics as you can and don't worry about hitting every note because things like that aren't important". Transferring this album into a digital format is my punishment for torturing my readers for over a decade. There are two different choir practices on each side, enabling me to burn in hell for exactly one hour. I'd rather have a lump of coal forced up my ass.

These children can't sing, they shouldn't sing, and they should never sing again for as long as they live. The whole tape is awful, but it can be yours to liven up your Christmas dinner with the lovely download links I've provided...

That's it for this year's Christmas entries! I shall be pulling something interesting out for your New Years celebration since I'm going to be stuck at Folio Cafe for another week during the holidays. Might as well make it interesting!

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Kris's Khristmas Karol CDs

The remainder of the Junq Tour entries have been put on hold until the new year because CHRISMAS IS FUCKING HERE! We need to bring joy into your hearts so you can shit it out of your ass. But we'll leave the shit for the next entry because this one is actually kinda neat.

When I came across these CDs at the thrift store, I really had no clue what to think of them. Are they Christmas mix CDs? Collections of pictures? Videos? I honestly had no clue, but they were interesting nonetheless, so I bought them.

Two of these are 2-CD collections, and one is a 3-CD collection. They are plastered with pictures of people I don't know. The text on the inside is quite interesting.

After going through these, I realized that they're just mix CDs of mainly rock music newer than 1995. I didn't bother to listen to them because there really isn't anything unique on them.

However, I'm letting you see the packaging of each CD. A LOT of work went into these, and according to the liner notes, these were made in batches. Neat stuff! I wonder how many ended up in the thrift stores?

2009 Christmas Carols - The Study of Johnanallology

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Rock On

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Unbreakable

Gotta love the uniqueness of these!

But now the fun is over. Stay tuned for your ruined Christmas...

Monday, November 26, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Austin

I had never visited the thrift store in Austin, and they were obviously waiting for my arrival to rescue them from the shitty music that's likely been rotting there for years. Prepare yourself...

The Musical Warriors - Movin' On

These guys look like they're ready to go all gangsta on your shit! They've got ties, and they're not afraid to .... look presentable.  One has a mullet, and he's not afraid to... listen to Amy Grant. And their music sounds exactly the way they look... Boring and untalented, with a lack of production values. It's almost like barber shop, but they shaved a little off the top of their talent. Lyrically, it's corny Christian music.

Listen to Musical Warriors

Smash Hits Cash Style

I can picture Mr. Bored Johnny Cash impersonator sitting in a chair in the studio, head perched upon his fist, microphone positioned in front of him, uninterestingly reading the lyrics off the sheet in front of him.

The performances on this Johnny Cash tribute album are uninspired, but what the fuck did you expect from the Arc record label? People who love their job? People who get paid for their performances? People with talent? I think not.

Remember how much feeling Johnny Cash poured into I Walk The Line? Well, replace that feeling with a desire to go horseback riding. And Folsom Prison Blues? It's happy as Pharrell Williams after three caps of ecstasy.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Download the whole piece of shit

Hank James Chevillard - The Truth

At first, it sounds okay and then it hits you... Holy shit this guy is a lousy singer. This is one of those albums who's songs are each terrible in their own unique way. The writing is bad, the mix is bad, the playing is bad, and the singer is bad. Each song comes across as a crippled country song that's ready to lose it's balance and fall on it's face.

What on earth possessed this guy to record this thing? I could think of better uses for the recording tape that was used to make this, like flossing shit from my ass crack.

Thanks for the headache, Hanky. Keep running free as a pony, away from the recording studio.

Listen to Goodbye
Listen to Run Free

Only three albums, but they're all equally shitty. Our next stop is Neepawa, and if you've been reading this blog for a few years, you'll know that the pile from Neepawa is going to be huge.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Somerset

The Somerset thrift store was pretty bare when it came to interesting albums that I wanted to hate. I had a couple other qualifiers, but they turned out to be plain mediocre, so I threw them in the trash. Here's what we have left...

Country Pride Band

You'll never run out of twonky goodness when you get an album like this! It's exactly what it says on the cover, nothing more. The guy on the accordian obviously takes his job far too seriously. If Weird Al took his job seriously, he'd be an unemployed (and dead) vegetarian.

The production is very nice and the performances for the most part are very average.

Listen to Your Cheatin' Heart

Heiner's Country Classics II - Memories of an old Cowboy

Old men make the best terrible albums! Perhaps they lose their talent when their pecker refuses to stand up straight anymore. They have nothing to be proud of, so they try and make an album to redeem themselves and get groupies. Trust me, this piece of shit isn't going to attract any groupies...

I can't exactly pick out this guy's accent. Perhaps he's from Jupiter or maybe he's just really drunk. The songs here are pretty lousy, and he should consider smoking banana peels before he decides to venture in to the reggae genre ever again.

As for the album cover, it appears the band's official name is "Heiner's Country Classics II". I can only guess that they put a "II" in their name because there was another band called "Heiner's Country Classics".

Listen to Citygirl
Listen to Everybody Got Something

Well that was short! Trust me, there are more meatier entries coming your way, but first we need to take a visit to Austin.