Thursday, July 7, 2016

Manitoba-Based 45s

I figured I'd focus on some local stuff, so I dug around in my pile of 45s and came up with three interesting ones. Well, I honestly don't think the first one is all that interesting, but who am I to say Manitoba-based music isn't interesting? Let's begin...

Len & Karen - Manitoba



I've never seen anything on the "Hekla Records" label before, and the catalog number of "HR 2001" leads me to believe I will never see anything on this label ever again. Len & Karen (and their kids and their kids' friends) all sing on here, although Karen must have been singing while buried in the back yard because I can barely hear her. The song "Manitoba" isn't the official Manitoba song (which I reviewed here and here), and instead is just something they threw together.

This recording is so Manitoban that it was recorded in Vancouver, BC. I guess our shitty province just wasn't good enough for these songs to be recorded here. The flip side is only mildly more enjoyable, and encaptures that 1970s pop sounding string "arrangement". It seems to be just some mushy love song and has nothing to do with Manitoba.

Listen to Manitoba!
Listen to Over and Over Again!


Manitoba Games Song



There's no credit to the band here, and I can't say I blame them. There's only one minute of music, and it consists only of a guitar and a group of people singing about playing ping pong and eating pizza. Side two has absolutely nothing on it, not even any grooves. So if you have a record cutter kicking around the house and happen to own this 45, feel free to record some Judas Priest onto the other side.

Other than this being recorded at Century 21 Studios, I have no other information about it. It's a very bizarre little record, engulfed in mystery. Google searching the "Fitness and Amateur Sports Branch Manitoba" led me to a bunch of dead ends. So let's enjoy the happy little tune that it is.... The entire ONE MINUTE of it!

Listen to Manitoba Games Song


Allyson Taylor - Manitoba Cities, Manitoba Towns / Lord Selkirk Song



I was able to track down a date for this record, since the Venture Manitoba promotion took place in 1978. This 45 appears to be some sort of souvenir which was probably sold in a gift shop. It also appears that I own Allyson Taylor's personal copy, since she wrote her name on the label. In fact, I may have purchased it directly from her at her garage sale. The two ladies running it gave a slight laugh when I picked it up and asked how much it was.

The song "Manitoba Cities, Manitoba Towns" is another attempt (as with Len & Karen) to make a theme song for the province, although from what I gather, there actually was something called the "Manitoba Festival". It probably consisted of a bunch of Manitobans eating maple syrup, drinking whiskey and building snow sculptures, but I could be wrong. The song is pretty generic and boring. However, the B Side is the song that grabbed my interest...



The "Lord Selkirk Song" is about a ship called the "MS Lord Selkirk II". You see, our rivers used to host lots and lots of boat tours. We had the huge Lord Selkirk II for the snobby rich folks, the Paddlewheel Queen for people who love paddlewheels, the Paddlewheel Princess for poor people who love paddlewheels, and the River Rouge for poor people. I used to see all these boats cruising up and down our rivers. I was on the Paddlewheel Queen when I was a young boy, but I've been on the River Rouge many times, mainly because it's been the most consistent ship in operation. Here's a picture of me and my friend James on the River Rouge...



The Lord Selkirk II was very notable for it's large size. It cost $1.5 million to build in 1969 (around $10 million in today's dollars). It was very large and beautiful.



Then one day it got rusty...



Then one day it caught fire...



Then one day it was dismantled for scrap...



This poor boat was in service for only 17 years. It went through 5 owners who tried to make money with it (and failed). In 1991, the poor ship was pretty much abandoned by it's owner. After that, it went through 4 more owners who wanted it for scrap metal. It was finally dismantled in 2015.

The record came out during the "Venture Manitoba" promotion when the Lord Selkirk II was happily sailing the Red River. The song is awful which I guess contributed to this poor ship's curse.

So come away with me, my hearties! Come away with me! With a song that's shit! Lord Selkirk! oh yay oh yay oh gee!!!

Listen to Manitoba Cities, Manitoba Towns
Listen to Lord Selkirk Song

I've got a load of unfinished entries that I've been slowly but consistently working on. Two of them are fairly substantial, and one will likely be split into two parts. I never forget about this place which makes me wonder if I have a mental illness.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Artist Review: K2 Groove

I decided it would be fun to review a few of the stupid workout albums that I've picked up, so I dug in my queue box and pulled out three of them (one being a double album). I quickly realized that all these were done by the band "K2 Groove". Since these guys are the masters of workout music, I have to wonder if they're all thin and buff. Anyway, if you came here to lose weight, I'm gonna make you sweat your balls off with the Classical Gas Emissions intense workout blog entry! Remember to consult your doctor before reading this blog entry... or any of my other blog entries. I seem to attract the real nut bars by writing these things. Anyway, Let's get to the albums...


Cardio Workout: High Energy Music for Aerobics



The "Reflections" record label is proud to present this collection of "Energy Boost Fitness Music"! The woman on the cover is carrying a cassette walkman. I had much difficulty trying to fit this CD into my walkman, so I came to the conclusion that my walkman was faulty and threw it away.

I love how they cram the 8 minute "American Pie" into 3:12 (It's probably the Madonna version, but fuck Madonna for trying to cover that one). However, I must say that their cover of Cher's "Believe" is better because it doesn't have all that auto tune bullshit in it. Even though these are "energized" remakes, the song choices were actually very suitable for "energizing". The performances from Kathy Stradas and Katherine Filippeos (who make up K2 Groove) are decent. Although there's no copyright year on this thing, it sounds like it came out around the year 2000.

According to the CDDB (yes, someone bothered to put it in there), this is the second volume of a 2-disc set. Perhaps it was packaged with another K2 Groove album at one point.

This album was apparently endorsed by Debra Basch. She reportedly suffered a major concussion weeks before from dropping two dumbbells on her head.

Anyway, enjoy the non-Auto-Tuned version of Cher's "Believe". It will give you a good reason to throw away the Cher version.

Listen to Believe!



Cardio Mix 80s




After the huge success of "Cardio Workout", K2 Groove told the Reflections record label to go fuck themselves and moved over to the Somerset label. I've never heard of the "Somerset" record label, but they must have enjoyed pouring all their money into the foil-covered CD case with the emossed exercise bike on the cover. Before we get started, here's some excercise tips courtesy of Somerset:




You get your favourite hits of the 1980s except for "Come Undone" by Duran Duran which originally came out in 1993. But who's going to criticize "Reflections" for fucking that one up? For those who were expecting these songs to sound identical to the original artists, you're going to scream like a little girl who saw her dad's penis for the first time because you're getting energized versions of these songs again! Time to pump your pelvis and get your flab in motion!

The singing talent is decent here yet again, but they could have chosen better songs to energize as opposed to ballads such as Cinderella's "Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone), Spandau Ballet's "True", and Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn".

Listen to True!



Fitness Mix: Pumped Up Disco Grooves




K2 Groove stayed with the Somerset label and put out this two disc piece of cow shit. This is for those of you who need a LONG-ASS workout. This is the worst of the lot. All your favourite disco tunes such as "Funkytown", "Macarthur Park" and "Love Will Keep Us Together" are ruined, and you'll cry from the pain in your ears before you cry from the pain in your freshly worked-out thighs.

Both of these discs apparently have 24 bit mastering, so you get these shitty renditions in crystal clear quality!

Born To Be Alive (originally by Patrick Hernandez) has it's magnificently improvised singing and wrong lyrics. It also lacks the dude with the really cool low voice which is a cause for musical suicide.

The song "Good Times" (originally by Chic) has been butchered beyond recognition. The thing that makes the original song magnificent is the cool bass line that was sampled in "Rapper's Delight" and about 130 other songs. However, they attempt to redeem themselves by playing the bass line on some fucking Casio piece of shit. This totally ruined my work out and sent me off to the kitchen for the kettle-cooked potato chips.

Listen to Born To Be Alive!
Listen to Good Times!


So, did you have a good workout? Great! Now wipe the sweat off your balls and send $29.95 for your free tote bag to carry all your stinky workout clothes! Quantities dependent on when I shop at Walmart and get a plastic bag to carry the stuff I bought.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Best of the Worst Muppet Impersonators



You know you've reached the lowest point in your musical career when you're impersonating a Muppet chicken singing "Baby Face". Yes, it's on this album along with a bunch of other horrible Muppet violations. Kermit sounds like he's had a few penises shoved into his hand-hole, and Fozzie is at high risk for getting throat cancer from all the cigarettes he's been smoking.

As a foolish child, I bought this cassette thinking it was the real Muppet songs. Little did I know, Madacy Inc. was just robbing me of the money I begged my dad for to buy this piece of shit. I should have known better judging from the artwork. Fozzie looks like a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome. Kermit has a scar from the re-constructive surgery done on his face. Miss Piggy looks okay though.

When I brought this tape home and played it, I knew something was wrong with it from the sound quality of the first track (Mah-Na Mah-Na) and it became more apparent on the second track (Ten Cookies). Cookie monster sounded like he had been drinking with my dad.

After doing some internet research, I discovered this album is actually a compilation of two other albums: Animal House Sings and Plays Hits from The Muppet Movie and Sesame Street and Irwin Sings Sesame Street Hits. Both of these albums were originally done by Peter Pan records. I have a downloaded copy of the Animal House album sitting on my hard drive. The thing that makes this particular cassette unique is the fact that all the applause on the Animal House album is NOT included on these recordings.

As for Madacy Inc, I fucking hate them at the best of times because their compilations generally suck Muppet balls. Besides the atrocious tinny and distorted sound quality, there is some very noticeable crosstalk from the opposite side of the cassette. This is usually a problem I only hear on 8-track tapes. The crosstalk is likely an indicator that Madacy's cassette duplication machine had very badly worn out heads, probably resulting from the cheap and abrasive tape stock they used. You know what 1-ply toilet paper feels like on your ass? That's exactly how my tape deck felt while playing this tape.

What puzzles me is that Madacy thought it was a good idea to release these shitty disco renditions in the mid-80s when disco was that woman you were ashamed to wake up next to after a hard night of drinking. They're really awful not just because they're disco songs, but because you have someone impersonating the woman you woke up next to!

Here's a few selected songs along with the album download. Mah-Na Mah-Na has been extended to four fucking minutes of laughable horribleness.

Years ago (on this blog) I matched up this crappy version of "Movin' Right Along" with the original video and created hilarious greatness, but Youtube mangled it and when I went to restore it, I realized that I accidentally deleted it off my hard drive. The world shall never recover from this loss. Regardless, I'm letting you have the song for your sick enjoyment because you're all a bunch of nostalgic bastards.

Listen to Mah-Na Mah-Na
Listen to Movin' Right Along

Download the whole thing!

Monday, April 18, 2016

Wedding Tips From The Experienced!

Wedding season is upon us! Since I don't want your wedding and marriage to suck ass, I'm going to provide you with some great advice based on some of the materials sitting in my queue. So put down those wedding invitations, hang up on the guy who's booking your wedding reception, and listen up! You're going to get the input of some seasoned professionals here, so I'm going to need your undivided and full attention! Let's get started...

A Day Filled With Love - Crystal & Cary Brosch - October 5, 2002


I bought this CD at the thrift store for 2 bucks. I generally pass by people's wedding mix favour CDs, but this one had a bit of a twist to it. It contained a slideshow of Crystal and Cary through the years! How exciting!



At first glance of the track listing, you're probably saying to yourself, "These songs blow cookie dough!" Yes, most of these songs are fucking terrible, but don't knock them just yet. How do you know these songs aren't going to cement the foundation of your marriage and prove to be the greatest bedroom mix CD for an evening of passionate penile penetration? Try saying that twelve times fast.



Here's the contents of the "readme" file that came with the CD...

Honoured Guests:
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for sharing in our special day.  We have composed this CD for you which entales some of our favorite love songs together with a great slideshow of us when we were younger, just to give you a little taste of what cute little angels we were and still are.
To play the songs that we have chosen, open the "Music" folder or simply put it into any audio CD player (including your car stereo).  Hope you enjoy.
To view the slideshow that we have created, open the "Pictures" folder and look for the "CrysCary.exe" file.  Double click on that and the slideshow will start. Select 3 seconds for the interval time, uncheck auto loop and check the effects box.
Thanks again for coming. Hope you have enjoyed yourself and this CD.
Love,
Cary and Crystal Brosch

I decided against the idea of putting up a video of the slideshow, and instead included the most interesting pictures that were on it. So here are the "cute angels" in all their glory...





So now you may ask, how are they doing 14 years later? I'm happy to say that they're still together!

Then:


Now:


I told you not to knock their shitty taste in music!


Our Wedding Record, As recorded by Jack Pearce



I absolutely love finding acetates. You never know what's going to be recorded on them. I found this one at a record sale for 3 bucks. James and Sharon Walker were married on July 27, 1968. I've never seen a wedding recorded onto a record before, but I suppose it was a big deal back then since nobody had a VCR to watch their wedding over and over and over and over and over again. I can't help but wonder how much this service cost them.

Judging from the recording, it seems that it was recorded onto a reel to reel tape first, and then compiled for the record. Most people back then didn't have reel to reel machines nor 8-track players, so a record was probably the most ideal way to go.

Whoever stored this record did an extremely shitty job. This particular brand of record was (to my knowledge) made by Transco, and has an aluminium core. The record has a fairly significant warp in it. To get aluminium to warp like this takes a real talent for stupidity and neglect. I would've tried to remove the warp with a hammer, but I figured that might have been a bad idea.

I've uploaded the entire recording, but it's a fairly boring listen. If you've been to at least one traditional religious wedding, then you're in for no surprises here. This is exactly why I don't upload the wedding videos I find. A wedding record however is a rare treat.

Listen to James & Sharon's Wedding!


For Daily Living #5: You and Your Love Life


Yes! Now we're into the real meat of your love life. Pay attention you brides and grooms to be! I've touched on one of these records before (the one on how to talk to your kids about sex) and I own about 14 different volumes in this series. I've been trying to figure out whether to stick them in as I see fit, or to do an entire entry on these. They're all interesting in their own special fucked up kind of way.

On this one, we get to find out how husbands are horrible people and how wives are horrible people. The flip side is a drama about a husband who's too busy making money to fuck his wife. There is no happy ending to this story. Her ticking biological clock eventually explodes, and the world becomes a more miserable, splattered-uterus covered place. You'll enjoy it!

I must give kudos to the organ player for their continuous marathon of depressing background music. He or she deserves a trophy.

Listen to The Ten Worst Faults of Wives & Husbands
Listen to My Lap Is Empty


So to summarize, here's what we've learned:

What Wives Do Wrong

- Being a lazy slob
- Being a nagging bitch
- Crying and whining
- Temper tantrums and cursing like fuck
- Being dominant
- Spending too much money on useless shit
- Being Jealous
- Not wanting to fuck
- Never being home


What Husbands Do Wrong

- Not spending time with his family
- Continued sucking on his mom's sagging breasts
- Using his wife as a cum dumpster
- Drinking and gambling
- Jealousy
- Not Telling his wife he loves her

Now that you've come to the end of this blog entry, you're now ready to tie the knot, fuck like rabbits, and have 20 children. Then both of you will get old, piss in your adult diapers, and tell each other "I love you and all your sexy ways."

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Video Review: WWJD: The Fruits of the Spirit



Sometimes I really have no clue what I'm getting when I purchase something. Sometimes I'll pass an item up at risk of it being extremely boring or very mediocre. But after nearly a decade of seeking out all this junk, I'd like to think I have a pretty good radar for things that will bring tears of joy and laughter to my black heart. This video hit my senses in all the right spots.

Judging from the cover, it looked like a lame religious play put on by a bunch of pre-teens. The back of the DVD kept my interest going...



When I opened the case, I noticed that the DVD was burned which is usually an indication that it was made by an amateur.

I put the DVD into the player and noticed that there were two version of the play. I opted for the first version and was bored out of my skull, watching a bunch of kids talk about Jesus in front of a green background. When I went back and tried version two, The green screen had been put to full use! This is the worst fucking green screening I've ever seen in my life.



The video is mainly about a little bitch who... well... acts like a little bitch. She treats everybody like shit, and then kills somebody with her car.

The story becomes difficult to follow when the little bitch (Alexa) turns from a skinny white girl into a chubby asian girl. Then she turns into a short red head. Then I lose track of what's going on because the Alexa character is constantly replaced by other "actors". The only way to tell Alexa apart from everyone else is by the stupid white hat she wears - with the exception of the car accident scene. Jesus should have preached about consistency in the bible which would have made this video the work of the devil.

Speaking of the car accident scene, I have NEVER IN MY LIFE seen such shitty camera work, editing, and acting all mixed into one video. It is by far the most magnificent scene on this DVD. I've chopped it out for your extreme enjoyment:



There are absolutely no words to describe that. None. And who goes places in their friend's car wearing only purple socks on their feet? Where the fuck are her shoes???? There's a world full of dog shit and bubble gum out there!

If you feel so inclined to watch the entire video, it's here to bring you all kinds of happiness: