Friday, December 19, 2014

Merry Christmas from Aunt Margaret!

This is my Aunt Margaret. The best way I can describe her is... well... she's special. She likes Michael Jackson and .... well.... that's pretty much it. She also phones my parents A LOT and likes to leave messages on the answering machine.

The other day, I went over to my parents' place with my laptop in tow. My dad had saved some of the messages where she was singing songs, so I recorded them with the full intention of putting them up here for your entertainment.

And they're very entertaining!

So this is my way of wishing all my readers a Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy the soothing voice of my Aunt Margaret, and her extra-unique renditions of these popular songs.

Jingle Bells
Six Little Ducks / Frosty The Snowman
I'm Gonna Knock On Your Door / Bye Bye Love
Deck The Halls
Happy Trails

And in case you missed it, here is my Christmas appearance on Amateur Hour. There's some great stuff in there too!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Teaching Your Kids About Alcohol and Sex

Let's face it, you suck at parenting. Your kids are brats that are going to drink and fuck their way through their teenage years, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

But wait! There is a solution! Buy an album that demonstrates how to talk to your kids about alcohol and sex. This will help soothe your worried mind and teach you how to sound like an un-cool parent in the process. The audio skits will demonstrate what you will say without cussing or screaming, and how your kids will eagerly await your intelligent and level-headed answers without stomping angrily out of the room.

And then you go do it, and it transpires NOTHING like how it sounds on the recordings.

But allow us to humour you anyway...

How To Talk About Alcohol: An Audiocassette for Parents of Preteens

Dig that hip music that starts off the cassette!

"I once had some beer... I didn't like it much" said no child ever in his peer group. The conversation more likely went something like, "Yeah, I've had beer... It's pretty good!"

"Most Canadian adults drink alcohol, and most of them drink responsibly." (First Nations people were excluded from this assumption)

The whole tape sounds extremely robotic.

Kid: "Dad, have you ever been drunk?"
Dad: "The answer is yes, and I'm not proud of it. I drank too much, and I just don't do that anymore."

See how that looks in a textual context? It looks good, as if it were written by a university graduate. However, when you put voices behind the lines, it sounds like a couple of robots interacting. The fact is, university graduates lose their concept of reality by drinking themselves into a stupor after a hard day of recording terrible educational cassettes.

Anyway, I could tear apart this entire cassette, but I think you'll get more enjoyment listening to it. Or you'll be bored as hell. The next album is 100% more interesting.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

You and Your Children: Sex Instructions for your Children

There's no greater thing than to teach your kids how to have sex with each other. At least that's what the album cover was implying when I found this. The funniest thing about a record like this is how much more explicit it is in comparison to a Rusty Warren record which comes from the same era. I honestly find this more humorous and amusing than Rusty's crappy comedy albums. For instance...

Dad: "Mommy has a little opening between her legs"
Son: "Wait until I tell Nancy!"

Daughter: "You mean... you sort of... bleed???"
Mother: "Well, not exactly dear..."

Dad: "You mind if I smoke in your room?"
Son: "Why no dad! Go ahead!"
Dad: "Thanks!"

We also learn that blasting your supply of milky goodness into a woman's cooch is a "very holy" thing. When things start getting more explicit on this record, they start inserting religious jargon to cover up how extremely graphic the whole thing is. It would be so much easier if the family just rented a projector, an x-rated film, and showed that to the kids. As long as they eat crackers and drink wine while watching smut for educational purposes, all would be forgiven.

This record was annoying to transfer, mainly because there's a locking groove on each side after the first part ends. It'll sit there and chew away at your stylus until you get off your ass and move the stylus past the dead space to hear the next part. Also, there's a whole freakin' series of these records! After listening to this one, I'm tempted to go back to the thrift store and buy more of them for their 1950s 'Leave It To Beaver' dialogue.

Part 1: How Babies Are Born
Part 2: Menstruation
Part 3: Problems of Growing Boys
Part 4: Marriage Union

Since Christmas is right around the corner and I haven't made a single Christmas entry as of yet, you'll be happy to hear that I'm doing a Christmas special on Amateur Hour on December 17th. 95.9 FM Winnipeg, 5:00 PM. I'll be bringing some ghosts of Classical Gas Emissions Christmas past, and of course some Christmas future!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Songs Sung Like Poo: Neil Diamond Tragedies

You know my 'in queue' boxes are quite full when I can pair up tribute albums of Neil Diamond. Let's face it, Neil isn't exactly the first artist you'd expect to find a crappy tribute album of. The first one is actually Elvis.

I really do like Neil Diamond... Well, at least his very early stuff. After he released Sweet Caroline, he became more of an adult contemporary artist as opposed to the rockin' 60 pop guy he started off as. He had some extremely stale albums in the 1990s. If you're gonna get into Neil Diamond, stay away from that era.

The Heartlite Band - Music of Neil Diamond

The first one on the list was purchased at Dollarama. Every once in a while, you can find a pretty cool album there. This isn't one of them. There's a lot of focus on Neil's shitty output such as "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" and "Love on the Rocks". The only real good thing about this CD is the cover which has Neil's name in that gold foil stuff that doesn't show up when you scan it. Hence the crappy photograph I took.

The guy singing on Cracklin' Rosie sounds like he's having trouble hitting those low notes, and the producer put absolutely no effects on his voice. And what kind of ending is that? It sounds like the band said "Fuck this shit, it's good enough."

Listen to Cracklin' Rosie

Avenue Recordings - A Tribute to Neil Diamond

When I think of Neil Diamond, I think of guns, the US Army, cheeseburgers, and Mickey Mouse. These guys made the PERFECT album cover to represent the songs on this record. Well... maybe just the Mickey Mouse.

This is another appearance from my buddies at Avenue of America (in this case, it's just "Avenue Recordings" since this record came from England). I've reviewed a bunch of their shitty 8-tracks in the past. Up until this moment in time, I thought they were an 8-track only company. After all, any idiot with an 8-track recorder could release their garage band's piece of crap cover album. Perhaps AOA saved up enough cash from 8-track sales to press a record. Due to the credits on the label, we can point our Neil-Diamond-inspired guns at one person named Alan Caddy, who arranged, conducted, and produced this album. I'm surprised he didn't give himself writing credits, although he claims copyright on the back of the album. Copy Right? More like Copy Wrong.

While Alan was in his drunken stupor creating the album cover, he forgot to list the first song on the album. Fucking dumbass.

Anyway, I've brought you two Mickey Mouse recordings from this English record without British accents... The apparent bonus track "Shilo", and the atrocious "Solitary Man" which sounds NOTHING like what it should when it starts, and due to the incorrect lyrics, makes the singer have a threesome with at least one other man.

Listen to Shilo
Listen to Solitary Man

As a side note, the Neil Diamond CD came shrink wrapped with a Bee Gees tribute album. I haven't listened to it yet because I don't like the Bee Gees at the best of times.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

German Nudie Records

During the summer, I seemed to have the luck of stumbling across quite a few German records. I haven't the slightest clue about German culture, but it appears that the women enjoy doing the most mundane activities while naked. Perhaps I'm living in the wrong country.

Click on the images to see the unedited versions.

Just look at how fucking happy they are! They're nothing like all those porn magazine models making that "I'm a bitch" face. I think I'll be moving to Austria in the near future.

Two of these records are brought to you by the same company that makes universal remote controls and batteries.

I picked one song off the 'naked lady with the umbrella' album, simply because it had yodelling in it.

Listen to Yodelling German Guy

On December 17th, I'll be doing a Christmas special on Amateur Hour. You should book your vacation time now so you can fly down to Winnipeg and listen to 95.9 FM at 5:00!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Horrible Peking Opera Record

THIS RECORD IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. What a way to start off a blog entry! Just cut all the shit and get to the point. This ten inch record is like Chinese torture. Wait.... it IS chinese torture! My poor ears have torn themselves from my head and flushed themselves down the toilet.

I got this in a batch of free records, and I hate it. They've taken two annoying things (chinese singers and opera music) and have put them together into this ugly collection of noise. I don't know if this is a play, a musical or a movie, but it should be thrown in the garbage.

With titles such as "Telling the Family's Revolutionary History" and "The Poor Man's Child Shares The Household Burden From Early Age", you'll be sure to grab your puke bucket and heave. This music is PAINFUL. It's the equivalent of putting your pet goat and some rocks in to a blender, and putting it on LOW speed while someone is standing beside you smashing trashcan lids together. You can actually pick out the moment when they turn on the blender.

My turntable has crawled into a corner, and is sobbing uncontrollably.

Listen to Chinese Woman in Heat!
Listen to Goat and Rocks in Blender!