Sunday, November 27, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: St. Pierre-Jolys

We're gonna have a Holly Jolys blog entry! The Village Connection thrift store is usually lacking in anything interesting, but at least their prices are good.


From The Moon - The Cyclist

When there's nothing notably weird in the music section, I start grasping at anything that doesn't have much professionally going on. This album has a bar code, so that means something was done professionally, but not much else. Guess what? It's not too bad! It's a bit mellow in spots, but it's at least somewhat enjoyable. The first track is the best one on here. Things can get a bit stale as the album goes on, but it's still not awful. The band's website is dead and I can't find shit about them online, so I went to the Wayback Machine for some info.

The music is apparently in the "space folk" genre which I didn't know was a thing. They appear to be from Winnipeg and this is their first album. They appear to have put out at least one more album, and then the band just kinda fizzles into nothing. Why is it that the decent bands have such a short lifespan, but no-talents who pump out horrid garbage seems to live on forever? Anyway, I'm giving you a track from this one solely because you deserve something good once in a while.

Listen to Since Yesterday


The Mason Rack Band - Show Me Yours

No thanks, I haven't dried it off yet.

This one isn't all that horrible either.  I swear, I tried really hard to find some pure garbage at this thrift store! Anyway, these guys are from Australia. The singer sounds like he's part werewolf and has just finished enjoying a 20 pack of Du Maurier cigarettes. The audio is very compressed (which I hate) and the band scribbled all over this CD (which makes it $0.25 more valuable). According to their website, the band is still around. They've released five studio albums, two live albums, and a greatest hits album (which is kind of redundant).

Listen to Seen Her B4


Debra Barratt - Three Little Soldiers

When you buy a CD with only one song on it, it needs to be the best fucking song you've ever heard. Luckily, this CD has TWO songs on it; the second one being a distorted version of "Last Post" played on the trumpet. According to the back, this CD was "created in remembrance of, and in tribute to, our Veterans and their families." Does that mean that every veteran has heard this CD? The song "Three Little Soldiers" is kind of a miserable listen. For the record, I have nothing against people writing songs in tribute to our veterans, but could you at least make it half-fucking-good? I can't imagine anybody getting much replay value out of this thing. Proceeds from this CD went to the Navy League of Canada. Why not just give them the money instead of getting a hunk of plastic containing one shitty song that you're just going to throw in the trash?

Listen to Three Little Soldiers


The Crew - Just As We Are

The D*sney company needs to sue the fuck out of these guys due to Mickey Mouse being clearly represented on the album cover. Speaking of Mickey Mouse, this is some of the most Mickey Mouse Christian music I've ever heard. The way they look on the album cover is exactly how they sound... Lame, lame, lame, and lame. They're essentially a shittier version of the Spin Doctors who sing terribly written Christian songs. Little miss can't be listening to this crap for very long.

Listen to Learn To Listen

Listen to Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Listen to Look At My Hands

This is the musical high point in the Junq Tour, as there's not much to loathe here. But don't worry, we'll be falling off that hill very shortly. If you'd like to hear a sample of what's coming your way, you can check out my appearance on Amateur Hour. You can listen to that here while I prepare the next entry which will be sure to make you cry.

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: St. Malo

Hey! Long time no write! That's because I've been busy going through the massive amount of crummy albums I picked up during the Junq Tour and digitizing the bulk of what I intend to post. Theoretically, the entries should be flowing quite easily from this point on, but life has it's way of fucking with me from time to time. Things break and I'm the only one around to fix them. When I'm dead, the whole world will just explode and the martians will be happy that I'm no longer beaming these crappy songs across the universe.

Anyway, we went to the Family Thrift Store in St. Malo this year. It's a fairly new thrift store that is apparently going to shut it's doors anytime soon. Let's give a salute for the "amazing" music I found there...

Aloha Shapes - Hula Hawaii


The best thing you can get when you're in Hawaii is a compact disc in the shape of a mushroom. However, don't try to play this thing in your car stereo or it will self-destruct, and I don't blame it one bit. This CD is boring and there's only four songs on it. I don't know who the fuck is singing on this, but I hope somebody throws a coconut at him if he does it in public. 

As a side note, Weird Al has better Hawaiian shirts than the one this CD is supposed to represent.

Listen to Maui Waltz


Rock Power Drums


From what I can tell, this was a book & cassette kit that taught you how to drum. The best part about this tape is the crappy Casio keyboard that sings the lyrics for you. The drumming seems to be a bit clumsy on the Great White song, but maybe it's just me being too critical because I'm not sure that it's real drums. The high hat sounds very artificial. The Guns N' Roses song "Paradise City" isn't quite right. The spot where Axl holds his note goes on for an extra two measures, probably because you can't change time signatures on a fucking Casio.

I mean, I guess it's not terrible that things like this existed back in the day when there was no internet, no youtube, and no drum teachers. Instead, your hard-earned money paid for something that was just "good enough". You were most likely better off trying to figure out the drum parts yourself.

Listen to Paradise City

Listen to Once Bitten Twice Shy


Bullit - The Rap Game Raised Me

The rap game did a shitty job of raising Mr. Bullit.

The rap CDs I picked up on this Junq Tour are quite possibly the worst rap albums I've ever heard. This CD came in a plain jane blank CD case. I honestly don't think there's many copies of this out there. I like how Mr. Bullit colored the center of the CD label with a sharpie. I guess the rap game taught him how to color as well. 

As for the music... It's hilariously bad! I can't take a guy seriously who's just rambling on about his dead uncle. Nothing gives you more street cred than whining like a fucking baby. Yes, its sucks that your uncle died, but the rest of us don't need to suffer through your interpretation of it.

Listen to the dead uncle song


Doug Gabriel - Three Album Special

Nothing makes me more miserable than having a box set to review. This one isn't as intensive as the 12 album collection I review by Donald Bradburn, and I'm very thankful for that. These three albums were painful enough!

Hailing from Branson Missouri (because they've embraced birthing terrible music albums), we have this fucking hack trying to perform your favourite hits. One album from his wife or sister (or both) is included in this box set, and it's so unspectacular that I completely skipped over it. Doug's performances are crummy at best. His version of "Pretty Woman" (with the missing "oh" at the beginning) is enough to give Roy Orbison a second heart attack. Doug tries to do the growl in the song and it sounds like he's coughing up a hairball.

Doug's instrumental album is called "Exhausting & Exhilarating". He should have just left it at "exhausting". The lackluster version of "Sleepwalk" reminds me of trying to learn "Red River Valley" from my school's guitar theory book. It's the most bland version of the song I've ever heard.

And finally, I present Doug's version of "Wind Beneath My Wings" because fuck you.

Listen to Pretty Woman

Listen to Sleepwalk

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings


On November 16th, I will be returning to Amateur Hour with Kent Davies to broadcast the worst garbage I found on the Junq Tour. Make sure you tune into CKUW 95.9 FM at 5:00pm CT for the glorious mess that will make everybody hate radio.


Monday, September 26, 2022

Halloween 1997 Home Video

Don't worry! The Junq tour is coming soon! However, I have something else going on at the moment which I'll get to...

As some of you may know, I was raised in a religious cult where all holiday celebrations were absolutely forbidden. As a result, I didn't really get to experience celebrations of any kind until I turned 19. No Christmas, No birthdays, No Halloween, no nothing.

When I left the religious cult, I met a girl, dated her, and as a result, met more people through her who eventually became some of my first real genuine friends. When Halloween came around, I decided to record the group of us getting all costumed up onto video tape. All of this took place in my bedroom. My dad was OK with me having a group of friends over, but my mother (who remained in the religious cult) wasn't too pleased. After we got all dressed up, we headed off to the bar for a night of karaoke and drinking.

The quality of the video is a bit poor, but that's because I was using a video camera from 1977 which I had purchased at a garage sale for ten dollars. The camera required much more light to generate a better picture, and I couldn't achieve that in my bedroom at night. As a side note, home video recording technology wasn't all that much better in 1997. As you watch the video, you may be able to catch some of the comments the others made about using the camera. It weighed about 30 pounds, and had a nice bar to help you rest it on your shoulder. Everyone who used it that night has permanently altered their bone structure.

You're going to see some interesting relics in my bedroom. The ones I still have are: 

- The Commodore 64 
- The flags on the wall
- The Telefunken TV set
- The telephone 
- All of the CDs on the shelves 

...and if I dig really deep, I may still have the patch on the back of Renee's jean jacket. I even still have the Barbie game that Jenn's playing on the Commodore 64.

Sheldon was dressed up as Alice Cooper, I was dressed up as Brian Setzer, Renee was dressed as a punk, Jenn was dressed as a gypsy, and Noah... well... He wanted to be Eddie from the Iron Maiden album covers, but it didn't go so well. Some of the comments are absolutely priceless and I never get tired of watching this video.

For those who are unaware, this video was recorded back in the day when you could make fun of your friends and they wouldn't need to run and cry in a corner. We had tough skin back then and let that shit roll off our backs. We were a strong generation.

Also, on the contrary of what Sheldon says, I did not use a "President's Choice Super High Quality Video Cassette". I never trust the president with anything.

So why have I decided to put this piece of my life on the internet?

On September 20, 2022, Jenn posted on her Facebook that she had been diagnosed with stage IV cancer. I expressed my sadness and worry, but she assured me she had started working with the doctors to do what she can to fight it. The next day, she was gone.

Jenn was an essential part of my life. She helped me transition from the sheltered religious kid into the passionate, outgoing, crazy motherfucker who has been writing this blog for far too long. It's still difficult to process that at age 42, Jenn is no longer with us.

Her family is struggling to scrape up some money to help cover the costs associated with her death. If there's one injustice in the world, it's that dealing with a loved one's passing is fucking expensive. I generally don't ask for anything from my readers or viewers, but if you could spare a couple of bucks to help the family pay for the costs, that would be great and much appreciated (the link is below). In return, I've given you this video as a glimpse into Jenn as a person, a human, and a good friend. She's the one putting goop all over Noah's face in the video. She was also the one who always got us kicked out of the high school library because of her uncontrollable, hearty laugh. 

Rest in peace, Jenn.



Thursday, July 28, 2022

Canned Peaches Discography

I'm baaack!!! Yes it's been a long time, but I was working for a lengthy amount of time on this project. It's from my personal library, so buckle up because it's story time!

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, I was very much interested in audio equipment. Not only did it provide me with music, but it also provided me with a toy. Analog audio tape is quite interesting to play with. Not only does it work, but it also doesn't work in interesting ways. You can play with the speed, you can have bad azimuth, mechanical buttons to operate analog tape can be quite crude, and the list can go on.

The story begins with a thrift store that had opened two blocks away from me. As an eleven year old boy, I went there at least once a week to see what kind of interesting junk I could find. One day, I walked in and spotted a Sony TC-106 reel to reel machine and immediately fell in love with it. I went home, grabbed some of the money I had squirreled away, and promptly paid the man $20 for it. I struggled getting it home because the damn thing was made out of steel, but I persisted. Anyway, I would play with the thing off and on throughout the next few years.

There came a day where I seemingly stumbled upon something interesting that this machine could do. If you bypassed the erase head, you could simply record over top something that was previously recorded. I made up a story where I went hunting for a lion to kill and eat, and as I was searching through the jungle calling out for the lion, there were really bad jungle sound effects in the background that I had made previously. It was essentially multitrack recording, except you only get one shot at it. Unfortunately, I don't own the recording anymore.

On another occasion, I filled up an audio cassette with a sound collage consisting of TV commercials, sound effects, clips from TV shows, and all kinds of other weird crap. I called the tape "The Weird Stuff". Unfortunately, I no longer own a copy of this either.

All of this farting around with audio culminated on September 5, 1992. I was 14 years old and there was a girl at school who was a real pain in my ass named Michelle. I absolutely hated this girl with all my being. I hated her so much that I decided to make a song about her. I couldn't play any instruments, but I had my Sony TC-106. I recorded a copy of the song "Michelle" by The Beatles and overdubbed profanities onto the song. Little did I realize that I had begun what would end up being a six year long project. I named my project "Canned Peaches" and went on a path of making novelty songs and medleys out of (mostly) commercially released music. These were essentially mashups, but the term "mashup" and the genre wouldn't appear for another nine years. The medleys usually had a theme or a story to them, but sometimes consisted only of songs that spliced well together. A lot of these tracks helped me explore some of the more important subjects such as crushes, sex, and even death. However, some were just me fucking around with audio gear.

I made seven albums which consisted of nothing but these audio projects. I passed out mix tapes to friends and those who were close to me were allowed to borrow the cassettes I had made for myself. I made an album cover for each one, liner notes, organized track orders to optimize tape length, and wore these albums as a badge of honour.

I have spent the last few months doing digital transfers and digitally remastering these songs (and dealing with tape splices that have gone sticky). For the last 20 years or so, I've made some attempts to digitally remaster these tracks but was never happy with the results. This time, I'm very pleased at how well these cleaned up. Now I'm more than happy to re-release them back into the public (with bonus tracks!)

So now that you know the background, let's get into each of these albums. As a side note, if you only download one album, it should be "Peach On Ice". It is the most enjoyable album as a whole. However, I will be providing two tracks from each album. An important side-note to remember is that absolutely no computers were used to create any of these tracks. It was all done with tape. Anyway, let's begin our journey...


Sleeps With The Peaches

This was the first Canned Peaches album, released in January of 1993 back when I was just 14 years old. Sleeps With The Peaches was slated for release in December of 1992, but my mom grounded me that month by forbidding me to do anything music related which delayed the release. When I made the first song "Michelle" in September of 1992, I was excited by what I had done but didn't really know how to move forward with something like this. I eventually decided to use my previous audio experimentation for inspiration on how to proceed with this project. The name "Canned Peaches" and the album title were both taken from an episode of the sitcom "Alf" where Uncle Albert comes to visit and inevitably dies, or "sleeps with the peaches". After making the song "Michelle", I had passed out copies of the song on cassette to some friends; copies that didn't have a final edit to them and thus were quite different from the final and officially released version. The track listing would also change multiple times before I settled on what was officially relased. The album almost ended up being an extension of "The Weird Stuff", but at some point I decided to make all new material for it. There are only 8 tracks on this album due to having no clue what I was working towards and the fact that I wanted to get it out by the end of the year. It's a rushed and somewhat boring album, but it paved the way for the next six albums that would follow it.

Listen to Michelle

Listen to Mixed Up Hammer

Download the entire album


Mix It Up

This is what I would consider to be the first proper full-length Canned Peaches album. It was release in July 1993 when I was 15 years old. It's mainly just an extension of what I started on Sleeps With The Peaches, but it really gave me time to start fine-tuning some of the editing techniques I was using. I think it's the most well-rounded album of them all, and it wins second place for it's overall audio quality. The tracks can come across as a bit bland, but there's enough here to keep things interesting. This album kick-started my goal of having one sex-based medley for each album. After passing copies of this album out to my peers at school, the feedback I got on it wasn't all that impressive. In fact, it was pretty negative and often perceived as being "lame". I'm always one to bounce back, so I made it a goal to make the next album just a bit more interesting...

Listen to It's Partytime

Listen to The Diamond Ring

Download the entire album


Hypnotix

Hypnotix was release in January 1994. Much of this album (specifially side 2) was an extension of "Mix it Up", but Hypnotix (pronounced "hypnotics") marked a turning point for me. I had begun utilizing better mixing techniques, including using a Fender guitar amp as a mixer which opened up a whole new world of opportunity. When I threw together "Barney Mix", I felt like I had reached a new level of my audio trickery and was extremely proud of this creation. It quickly became a favourite amongst my peers, along with "Catwalk". This album was created with the idea that there would be a continuous run of tracks with minimal gap between them. Hypnotix is by far the best sounding album quality-wise, and has the only album cover created with a computer (with a dot matrix printer!) While it looked a bit campy back in the day, it has aged quite nicely with it's retro goodness (I think I used Print Shop, but I could be wrong). The track "Care Bears Song" appears here for the first time as a bonus, and was previously released only on a demo tape that I passed around.

Listen to Catwalk

Listen to Barney Mix

Download the entire album


Peach On Ice

Peach On Ice is the pinnacle of the entire discography. This has all the elements of a perfect Canned Peaches album. There is a nice balance of proper mixing, overdubbing, tape splicing, humour, and a sex medley. Here are some interesting facts about this album...

- This album was made during a transition between open reel tape recorders. My TC-106 was getting a bit ragged, so I moved onto a Sony TC-105 which inevitably made things a bit more interesting.

- This album marks the first appearance of a track in stereo (everything preceding this release was in mono). 

- The New Kids on the Block album "Hangin' Tough" was purchased (for two dollars) solely to create the first track. 

- This album marked the end of the Michelle trilogy. 

- The song "Return to Tihsllub" sets the record for the longest track to make (one week). 

- This is the only album cover that was drawn by myself. 

- During the 2005 digitizing process, I unearthed the original but unfinished version of "Return to Tihsllub" which was supposed to be erased (and theoretically was!) I ended up 'finishing' it digitally. 

- A restored original version of "Power to the People" is presented here as a bonus track. The one that appeared on the original album suffered tape damage before release and the damaged part was edited out. 

- "Nice Ice Baby" took around 20-30 takes in order to get it somewhat perfectly in sync.

Listen to Power To The People

Listen to Nice Ice Baby

Download the entire album


A Legend Bound To Come True

This album was released in January 1996. I had a very difficult time with this album and it really shows. Creativity wasn't flowing all that well and tracks just weren't turning out all that good. As a result, it leans more toward the experimental side of things. However, a few fan favourites came out of it such as "Ozzy's Cats", "Suzie's Puke", and "Happy 16th Birthday". I came up with the album title when I was working on programming an original game for my Commodore Vic-20 back when I was 13 years old. The album cover is made of snippets from Highlights magazines. The original hidden bonus track "Bad Stuff" was made for a someone's school video project. The left and right channels of "Suzie's Puke" were mixed separately with the idea to remix it back into stereo once I got a stereo reel to reel machine, and a mono mix would be made for the album. Synchronizing the track into mono was an extremely frustrating experience and the audio quality was awful. I've replaced the mono version with the 2002 stereo mix which is vastly superior.

Creating this album was absolutely wearing me down. I can safely say that I was starting to suffer from the effects of burnout when this one came out. This led me to the realization that I was starting to see the end of Canned Peaches on the horizon. However, I wasn't done yet...

Listen to Ozzy's Cats

Listen to Suzie's Puke

Download the entire album


Biggest Bites

As a additional bonus to "Legend", I'm providing my first attempt at making a greatest hits album which was never officially released. Someone had brought me a stereo reel to reel machine for repair, and I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to make this greatest hits album with a constant run-on. However, problems plagued this project. I had used a new-old stock tape which was full of dropouts, the reel to reel was a Dokorder brand (which turns out is a real shit brand), and the sound quality turned out extremely muddy. I tossed the original master tape, but still had a copy on cassette which is presented here. A cover was never created.

Download Biggest Bites


Dimension's End

Dimension's End was released in January 1997. After the difficulty I had making "Legend" and the thought of graduating high school (and not having an audience for Canned Peaches), I started to plan my retirement from the project. I wanted to do one more album of all new material and decided to set some goals with this album...

- I wanted to finish the track "Bethany" which I had never finished back in 1992. The result was a completely new version which I was very happy with. 

- I wanted to have both the longest and the shortest Canned Peaches songs on this album (Dimension's End and She Has it, respectively.)  

- I had a reel to reel tape that I stole from the music room at school a couple years back. I wanted to do something with it, but could never figure out how to utilize such shitty music. This music turned into "Spoliation Overture".

- I wanted a song for each of the album names. (I only partially completed this one.) 

- I wanted a medley of Canned Peaches songs called "Greatest Hits". 

- I had some clips that were left over from other projects along with others that I wanted to use at some point. 

Having all these goals kept me on track and I think the album turned out quite well. One very noticeable aspect of this album is that there's quite a few stereo tracks. I had finally acquired a stereo reel to reel (a very finnicky Sony TC-500) and was happy to finally start utilizing it. Unfortunately, this stereo machine came into my hands quite late in the game, and only a handful of Canned Peaches songs are recorded in stereo.

Listen to Movin' To The Country

Listen to Spoliation Overture

Download the entire album


Lost Music

Lost Music was released in April 1998. It consists of rare & previously unreleased material along with three new tracks. It is the very last Canned Peaches album. The three new tracks (Connect The Dots, Fun To Dress Barbie, Queen Janis) are arguably the best creations that ever came out of this project. I also replaced my Sony TC-500 with the much better Sony TC-230.

 

"Care Bears Song" was originally slated to be included on this release, but it accidentally got lost in the shuffle of creating the track listing. 

An early attempt at creating a collection of previously unreleased material under the "Lost Music" name was done in 1994, but was ultimately scrapped when I realized the tracks were all terrible. The cover (presented here in edited form) is the third incarnation which was just simply clipped out of a National Geographic. The bonus track "It's Black" was made in 1999 and was the very last analog Canned Peaches track ever made. "It's Over" wins the award for most improved audio throughout the entire remastering process. 

Three years after Lost Music was released, an internet phenomenon called "mashups" became popular. Apparently I was a slightly ahead of the curve. I hate it when that happens!

Listen to Fun To Dress Barbie

Listen to Queen Janis

Download the entire album


So happy 30th anniversary, Canned Peaches. You deserve to finally be re-released into the public in all your remastered glory!

In case you were wondering, yes I'm considering the possibility of making a new album now that music is much easier to access. I no longer have to rely on purchasing albums, borrowing off friends, or recording off television. We now have the internet at our fingertips. Not sure when I'll get around to that, but let's hope for sometime in the next few years.

I'm also considering making a video documentary about all this stuff, including all the techniques I used to make the songs and perhaps a more in-depth review of many of the tracks that I made. If you'd be interested in seeing this, feel free to leave a comment.

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this project from my teenage years. I sure as hell love re-visiting it!

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

I Know I've Been Absent...

Just figured I'd give an update since I haven't posted in a bit. Aside from things being crazy at work, I've been working on a fairly hefty project that will be posted here (hopefully soon). It'll be worth the wait as I'm doing some hefty audio cleanup on this project, and there will be lots of fun stuff to download. And yes, there will be a Junq Tour this year, although it may be a bit modified due to how often I have to stick the gas pump nozzle up my ass to help cool the pain.