Saturday, April 5, 2014

Children's Albums That Suck

After a long hiatus, I'm back in the driver's seat, drunk and high on the scent of spring in the air! Who knew that mud and dog shit could fuck you up HARD?

Anyway, it's mating season which means everyone's gonna get pregnant. In keeping with this theme, I have a pile of Children's albums sitting and waiting to be tackled. Old children's albums are extremely amusing. It was such a different time, different values, and different ways to beat the shit out of your kids. Many children's songs of yester-decade would be deemed inappropriate for today's gun-toting, crack-smoking pre-teens. Let's take a look at some of the songs!

Doggie in the Window

According to the back of the record, "Happiness is a Happy Time Record." Happiness is also a 12 year old boy who discovers how damn good it feels to masturbate while wearing his sister's bra.

Let's see what kind of happy times this record contains......

Well.... There's a song about being gay with Punchy the Clown, so that's pretty fun. You get to fuck a homo and then he beats the shit out of you. Happy Time Records is certainly living up to it's name! However, I decided to choose the song Betsy Wetsy. Nothing wrong with listening to a song about a doll who pisses herself, right? RIGHT! So this one's for all the little girls who clean up their dolly's pee, and perhaps for all the moms who have to clean their little girl's pee as well. It's a pissin' good time!

Listen to Betsy Wetsy

Songs for Children

I absolutely love this album cover. In fact, I bought it for the cover in hopes of maybe making a new header for the blog. But that requires time and money. Okay, well maybe not money. Anyway, I guess it reminds me of myself when I was a kid, playing the shit out of records by Elvis and The Ventures.

My son has a CD of children's music, and it has this song on it. Well... let me correct myself here... he has a song called "Ten Little Bumble Bees". I guess the Indians drank themselves into extinction, so they needed a new icon for this song. I mean, you're not going to hear a song called "The Dodo Bird Dance", so I guess I'm wandering off and not really trying to make a point about anything in this paragraph anymore.

Well, I guess this song is better than "ten little niggers" which apparently exists according to Wikipedia. Something for me to watch out for while record shopping.

This album was made by our buddies at Arc Sound LTD. For some reason, they physically separated the tracks on the record after every second song, so it makes finding any of the songs nice and difficult. Way to fail again, Arc!

Listen to Ten Little Indians

Candy man

Even though you can color on the back of the record, I'm convinced that the people at Pickwick are the creators of children's nightmares. LOOK AT THE ALBUM COVER. That demonic son of a bitch is gonna creep the shit out of you for the rest of your life. On the plus side, you'll never want to eat candy again! I don't understand why it contains a piece of japanese candy, since there are absolutely NO japanese songs on this album. Well, maybe except "Gingerbread Man".

The cover songs here are typically awful. The world didn't need another shit-pounding cover of "Popcorn", and the world didn't need the original loaf-licking version of Candy Man. The cover here is just as bad. The version of Yummy Yummy Yummy on here is fucking devastating. The drummer is awful, and the people trying to sing falsetto sound like they're on the verge of laughing because they suck so bad at it.

Listen to Yummy Yummy Yummy

And that brings us to a conclusion of songs that make kids report record companies to Child and Family Services! Just remember, I may disappear for a while sometimes, but it's always temporary. Sorry. I'll bet you thought I was dead, didn't you?

Friday, February 14, 2014

Teen Pregnancy Video

I finally had a chance to sit down and scan through some old Betamax videotapes that have been collecting. Lots of them had movies and TV shows on them, but I came across a couple that were projects of some high school students.

In the 1980s and 1990s, teen pregnancy was a HUGE issue. Both of the high schools I went to had built in day cares, and one even offered "child care" as a genuine credit. Hell, I was tempted to take the class just to hang out with the girls who were taking it! Anyway, I don't hear much about teen pregnancy these days. Today's fad is high school violence.

This is a play about two girls who get knocked up by the same guy. It was very obviously recorded in the 1980s. It's worth watching the whole 35+ minutes of it just because of the atrocious acting and story.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Romantic Albums for Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is quickly approaching, and you're going to want some albums to put you and your lover in a state of romance after exchanging balloons, stuffed animals, and whatever other store-bought shit you've decided to waste the majority of your paycheck on. Oh yeah, and let's not forget about pigging out on the overpriced waxy chocolate in the heart-shaped box. After the two of you are thoroughly bloated, you'll feel the sexual vibes in the air. Light some candles, and put on one of these albums to increase the passion between the both of you on this very special day...

Fonzie Favorites

Nothing gets a woman's juices flowing faster than the coolness of The Fonz. The Impressionist Track will make her wet for any nerd, The Fonz Song will inspire her to grab your cock and sit on it, and you'll slide your salami inside and out of her while listening to The Fonzarelli Slide. If you bought the LP version of this album, there's a cut-out at the back so you can stand the album up on your night stand like a picture, and she can look deep into Fonzie's eyes as you fuck her doggystyle.

Pump along to:
Impressionist Track
The Fonz Song
The Fonzarelli Slide

Medical and Social Aspects of Venereal Disease

Pour your lover a nice glass of wine and surprise her with this romantic album. Put your arms around her, look into her eyes, and kiss her passionately as you listen to a panel of specialists discuss the romantic notions of foaminating urethral discharge. The both of you will be filled with ecstacy while this panel of love specialists use their low, seductive voices to discuss the treatment of Gonnorhea.

Turn yourself on to the entire album!

Teo Mance - Romance

Teo is becoming a fixture here on Classical Gas Emissions, and this time around he brings us some absolutely mesmerizing music for lovers. Your partner will have immensely pleasurable orgasms as you fist fuck her to Teo's gorgeous rendition of "Happy Together". Teo Mance has put great effort into this album, and any woman will remain with you for all eternity after hearing the heart-stopping acoustic renditions of these romantic favorites.

...unless she sobers up.

Get all hot and bothered listening to "Happy Together"

I sincerely hope that I helped you and your lover cover each other in body fluids and filled you with hot passion. Feel free to use any of the above albums for your wedding reception!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Candid Pics 14/10/07

It's been forever since I've posted any goofy pictures that I've taken while out and about. It doesn't mean I've stopped doing it! So, here's a bit of a catch-up from the last two years of me being distracted by bad music...


Apartment Directories:


Children's Books:



Thrift Store Items:

Penis Castles:

Life is always an adventure!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Your New Years Resolutions in One Blog Entry!

Welcome to 2014! I'm going to be renewing web hosting for yet again. Hooray for longevity!

Since the new year always brings out the empty promises of those who want to change something about themselves, I'm going to help all of you keep those empty promises. If you're a fat fuck or an evil, dirty smoker, I have good news for you...

Reveen - Stop Smoking and Overeating

It's the official record of New Years Day! Reveen passed away earlier in 2013 from diabetes and dementia. After listening to this record, I truly believe that Reveen had dementia from birth. His voice is laughably annoying on this record. He sounds like a cheap imitation Hutterite who believes he's a messenger from God.

Half of the record is spent putting the listener into a trance. If the power happens to go out or the record starts skipping while you're in the trance, you're extremely fucked. You will spend your life in a trance, pissing your pants and starving your way into the grave while waiting for Reveen to bring you back to your normal state.

I searched the internet for people who successfully quit smoking from this album, but came up empty. That doesn't mean you can't be the first one though! You can still buy this album at To eliminate the risk of putting my readers into a trance and taking my words from this blog as self-improvement (wouldn't that be a disaster), I cut out the part that puts you in the trance and just left the meat. I'm pretty sure the trance inducement part is the same on each side anyway.

Listen to Reveen's Stop Smoking Message

Listen to Reveen's Stop Overeating Message

Joseph Lampl - The Record Way to Stop Smoking

The back of the record says "A record player can do more than play music". Of course it can! You can put your hamster on it, set it at 78 RPM, and make him puke.

The first thing I noticed when I listened to this record is the first part was sampled in the Tony! Toni! Tone! song "Feels Good" from 1990. If I were to use this record to try and quit smoking, I would fail to concentrate because I'm waiting for the cool funk of a washed-up R&B group to hit my ears and make me happy.

Side one of this record doesn't put you in a trance. It's just full of positive reinforcement. After you're done listening, feel free to have a cigarette to celebrate your conclusion to this healthy meal of knowledge.

Side two puts you in a trance, and this guy's voice won't make you burst out laughing like Reveen's does. However, this guy spends pretty much no time nor effort on the trance. He just kinda tells you to feel relaxed for two minutes, and then just says the same things that Reveen does.

So, I've decided to bring you Side One. It seriously sounds like something you'd hear at a cult meeting.

Listen to Side One

Now that I've given you the tools, I expect all of you to become skinny ex-smokers by the end of 2014. If you don't, then I expect you to read this blog entry over and over until you do.