Friday, February 11, 2022

Super Romantic Greeting Card CDs

Valentines Day is upon us! For those of you who have a partner who lives far away (and is probably fucking around on you), you can maintain your true love for each other by mailing them a CD with some generic background music on it. Yes, background music can keep the love alive between two people. If you don't believe me, then perhaps these CDs will prove you wrong. However, that doesn't mean you can't use these to increase the passion in the bedroom. After all, these CDs are supposed to be full of romance.

I covered one of these CDs here. Now I appear to have many of the others in the series. After doing a Google search, it appears there are even more of them floating around out there.

These were produced by the Allegro corporation; the same guys who did those shitty Solitudes CDs. You'll be happy to know they went tits up in 2016.

And now, on to the romance...

Forever Yours

This one contains "beautiful melodies of guitar and piano blended with nature sounds." Personally, I like the sound of crows and cats fighting which probably would have been more fun in the bedroom. The album starts off with the sound of someone running a bath or something. Then we get some fake instruments played on a high-end Casio. Then the fake birds decide to chime in. The music is fucking boring.

The second song starts with the sound of a jungle. I guess she forgot to shave.

The song "Long a Growing" is probably about the Viagra kicking in.

Track 7 is called "Playa Blanca". Perfect for letting her know that you're fucking around with another woman.

Listen to Playa Blanca

Our Love

Contains "beautiful melodies of hammer dulcimer". Who the hell is "Hammer Dulcimer"? Sounds like a Jewish rapper. Shouldn't it say "beautiful melodies played on the hammer dulcimer"? As a side note, I actually like the sound of the dulcimer. Unfortunately, that's the only instrument you're going to hear. They couldn't even be bothered to mix in some shitty nature sounds on this one (or a Jewish rapper).

The song "She Boeg She Mor" is spelled wrong. Also, I would never have sex to dulcimer music.

Listen to Rock The Cradle Joe / Soldier's Joy

For Love Everlasting

Contains "a gorgeous blend of acoustic guitar, harp and violin". In other words, it's really boring.

They did another version of the song "Shee Bheg Shee Mhor" which is spelled right at least in some countries. This is probably the most uninteresting CD of the lot. She'll probably fall asleep while you're doing foreplay. Unfortunately, I think I got erectile dysfunction listening to this one.

Listen to Danny Boy

Just For You

Contains "beautiful melodies of piano." I honestly have no problem with piano music, and this disc is probably the most listenable of the lot. It's recorded very well, and I could see my face planted between her legs while listening to this one.

The song "Air on a G string" is about her farting before you take off her panties.

Listen to As Two Become One

Listen to Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring

You're The One

Contains "a beautiful blend of acoustic guitar and nature sounds." Bring in the frogs and crickets!

Whenever you have a sole acoustic guitar performance, it's usually jazz or spanish shit which is exactly what we have here. The bonus about this kind of music is when you fuck up a note or a chord, nobody will notice.

Track 2 has crashing waves and flute. There was no warning about a flute on the back! I got dumped because she doesn't like the flute!

Listen to Moonlight Beach

In light of the romantic feelings I got from this batch of CDs, I decided to make my own romantic instrumental track. It has beautiful acoustic guitar, piano, and nature sounds. I'm sure I will make many babies while listening to this song, and I hope you will too. Perhaps making these will be my future career!

Listen to Wish You Were Here In My Motorboat During a Rain Storm

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Altona

We've reached our final destination of the Junq Tour, and there's a lot to cover here. Things haven't improved on the music front since last time. If anything, it's probably a bit worse.

Apryl Dawn = When God Dips His Love

I told you Apryl Dawn would be back! Thankfully, The Sandersons are taking a back seat on this one. Unfortunately, it's just a back seat and not a back road. They're still present on this recording, but they're a bit more buried in the mix.

So, I have a question. Why does Apryl Dawn get stuck with these horrendous song titles? The last album had her singing "He Pours His Love All Over My Face" or something along those lines. Now, God's dipping his love into places where God shouldn't be dipping his love. From what I gather, it's The Sandersons writing all these somewhat perverted songs for Apryl to sing. I'm surprised that Kate didn't interrupt Apryl again on this album to announce how visually impaired she is.

Anyway, Apryl is still talented and the songs still suck.

Listen to When God Dips His Love

Ernie Hiebert - All The Love

This is an album put out by Silver Shit Streams in 1986. I didn't realize that they've been around for that long, and it seems they used to release albums by people who had at least an ounce of talent. This is your run-of-the-mill "Blum-pling Blum-pling" guitar music which I'm sure will excite most of you. I'm sure you'll enjoy his rendition of everybody's favourite Bon Jovi song.

Listen to Bed of Roses

Mr. Ken - Smiles Around The World

This album was sealed, but that seems to be common with a lot of crappy albums. Children are probably creeped out by this guy and are scared to listen to his songs. Just look at this picture from the booklet:

I reviewed one Mr. Ken album here, but I think he sings much worse on this one. He also found some kids who can't sing either. On the plus side, the music itself is pretty fun. It sounds kinda like Ween, except it takes itself a bit more seriously.

The QR code on the back of the album takes you to a Chinese lottery website. I guess I lost.

Listen to Make a Smile

Listen to Under The Big Top Tent

Virginia Ridge - Get On Board That Glory Train

Yes! Please get on that glory train and get the fuck out of here. And take your shitty drum-less album with you.

Listen to Wings of Angels

Listen to The Music Of My Memories

The Dutton Family - The Water is Wide

These wimps decided to tackle the aggressive country hit "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". It doesn't work, not only because the Dutton Family is in Utah, but also because they sing like a bunch of wimps. I'm pretty sure that if the Devil went down to Utah, they would be crying in a corner. On the plus side, they can actually play their instruments which would give them a slight chance at winning a fiddle of gold.

Listen to The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Listen to Grandpa

The Flirtations - Out On The Road

Guess what? It's another Yuckapella album! However, this one is made up entirely of gay men. Normally, you'd have to wonder if any acapella group is made up of gay men, but this one is genuine. Check out the copyright disclaimer:

Unfortunately, there's at least one more album by these guys out there.

I have two major problems with this album. First of all, it's acapella. I hate acapella. Second, the songs on here are all parodies with a gay slant. I think "Boy from New York City" would have been fine on its own, but they changed all the words so you can't sing along. I mean, the lyrics are mildly amusing, but they've been altered to make a statement. I'm pretty sure people would be quite angry if I took the song "Candle in the Wind" and added lyrics about Donald Trump to it.

The third problem with this album is that the track listing on the inlay incorrectly puts "Johnny Angel" at the beginning of side 2 when it's at the end of side 1. This makes it difficult to find the song I want. I guess someone had their mind on a big juicy cock instead of getting the track order correct.

Listen to Boy From New York City

Listen to So Much In Love

Randolph Ringers

Randolph the red nosed ringer, had a very shitty album...

This is just as bad as listening to the acapella album, except all the gay people have been replaced with hand bells. This album could have sounded really pretty, but because it was recorded by Silver Shit Streams, it sounds like a shrill piece of a car dragging along the highway.

Listen to Music Box Dancer

Jake & Hilda Friesen - Music Memories

Hey look! It's the Everly Brothers! Oh wait, one of them is a woman. Never mind.

This duo easily falls apart when they're playing faster than their walkers can move. Not only that, Hilda is an absolutely atrocious singer. She will make your listening experience much more difficult. Thanks, Hilda.

Listen to Ashes of love

Listen to Truck Driving Man

Listen to Home Sweet Home

Family Circle - Longing For Heaven

Silver Shit Streams must have a bigger problem with drummers than Spinal Tap does. No drums to be found yet again. All we have is screechy women, screechy violins, and a crappy guitar buried in the mix. Incidentally, why does the guitar sound the fucking same on all these recordings? It always sounds like they're strumming right by the bridge and it's always somewhat out of tune.

If you have squeaky brakes on your car, you're going to appreciate the musical value in that more than this pile of shit.

Listen to I Forgive

Listen to I Will Never Turn Back

Listen to Come See Me

Southern Country Gospel - If That Isn't Love

This album is brought to you by the Petkau family (pronounced "Pet Cow"). A pet cow isn't very good at tuning instruments, and neither is anybody in this group. As per usual, nobody owns a fucking drum set. You'd think they could at least slap a cardboard box or something to give the songs a little bit of substance.

In case your wondering, no, my tape deck is not broken. That's just how badly their instruments are out of tune.

Listen to I Can't Picture Me Without You

Listen to If That Isn't Love

Custom Music CD - O Come Angel Band Vol. 18

Does anybody know here I can get the other 17 volumes? After listening to this, I feel like my life needs them.

This album contains hits such as "O com Angel Band" and "The Old Cuntry Church". There's something to be said about old cuntry women, but I probably can't repeat it.

The sound on this one is tinny, awful, and out of time. On the plus side, you never know what surprises are going to pop up in each song. I would have put the entire thing up for downloading, but it won't play past the old cunt song. We will never truly know how many treasures were buried on this album.

Listen to I'll Fly Away

Listen to A Home In Heaven

Wow, it took a long time to get through all that trash. I have something in my queue pile I'm excited to get to, so now we shall commence with 2022's pile of dog shit. See you soon!