Saturday, December 15, 2012

Christmas with Dad

So here's a little update with what's been going on. I have a few things to wrap up with all the problems that have been happening in my personal life (and I had another major new one pop up) but regular blog postings are going to be returning to your lives! Unfortunately, there's no money for Christmas this year, so I've been trying to figure out how to put peace, love, health, goodwill, and Christmas Cheer under the tree, let alone figure out how to wrap the fucking things.

Regardless, I'm back to posting and your perfect lives are once again going to be tarnished with horrible singers, bad music, and dreadful youtube videos that nobody should be watching.

But for this post, I'm bringing you an absolutely adorable recording.

I can't remember where I found this tape, but if I ever find out who threw it away, I'm going to personally kick their ass because this recording should have been cherished. It's a recording of a father singing Christmas carols with his two kids. It's a nice break from the garbage I usually post.

Listen here

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Christmas Boogie

Merry Christmas! Okay, so it's not Christmas yet, but I haven't written a proper blog entry in a while. So to make up for my absence, here's some stocking stuffers that you should really be stuffing somewhere else. They're all really terrible, and they're really long. If you want to ruin the festive season at your house, buy these albums.

Noogies - The Chipmunk Song

If there's something I've learned over the last few years of blogging, it's that ANYTHING can be turned into a disco song. The problem with this reality is NOTHING should be turned into a disco song.

The Chipmunks were pretty much all about Rock n' Roll ever since they put out their Beatles tribute album (which I own, along with many other albums by The Chipmunks.) However, they were most remembered for their Christmas song. In the late 1970s, a bunch of assholes known as The Noogies decided that this song needed to be discofied, and extended for over seven fucking minutes. It's dreadful and stupid.

Listen to The Chipmunk Song

Disco Christmas Party

The fine print on this 8-track says "Previously released under "Canadian Christmas" which explains why there are two labels on this 8-track, with the current one being plastered over an old one. Why? They probably discovered another shitty album called "Canadian Christmas" which most likely includes Anne Murray singing that stupid Snowbird song on it.

Christmas Disco Party is another terrible piece of trash that capitalized on the disco craze which took place from 1977 all the way until 1979. I was born in the middle of this shit which is why I own (and enjoy) a copy of Chic's Risque album. It was purchased brand new out of an 8-track cut-out bin (I chose it, dad paid for it) and I still own it to this day. While I'm completely off track with my ramblings, why don't I tell you about how much I love my satellite dish. I really love it. There's so much shitty programming to be had, and it comes from all over the world for free! I'm in television heaven. Over 200 channels with bottom-of-the-barrel garbage on them.

Speaking of bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, this disco 8-track barely has any information about the artists listed on it. All we know is they're Canadian. Maybe that's all we NEED to know. The music speaks for itself.

I've brought you the discofied version of White Christmas. What is it with people singing the lyrics off beat? Why? It doesn't make the song better, it just makes you sound like you're retarded and you missed your cue. Bing Crosby is doing the boogie in his grave. Dig that swingin' disco sound! Far out, man. Once again, it's too fucking long.

Listen to White Christmas

Dobby Dobson - Sweet Christmas

Now, we move from disco to reggae. Honestly, I have trouble telling the difference between the two genres because these three shitty albums came out in the same narrow time frame. This album should be called "Shit Christmas".

Look at the cover. Why are there apples on a pine tree? What kind of decoration is that? The lady in the picture isn't even looking at Dobby. She's too busy trying to not be embarrassed by the poorly decorated tree. "Here honey, take this gift and forget about the tree. It's a collection of my shitty reggae music on 8-track. You'll love it!"

About the album... Well, it's just as bad as the others. Again, it seems to be the cool trend to sing out of time with the music. Dobby does it for the entire song which is again way too fucking long. A Christmas song is best left short, like a painful little fart which one can recover from in a couple of minutes. Instead of farting, all three of these musicians who contributed to this blog entry has shit their pants, let it run down their leg, and has allowed it to leave a trail all over the dance floor. And you the listeners get to step in it, slip in it, fall, and let the stench of shitty Christmas music surround your life for, what, twenty minutes?

While we're making the habit of wandering off topic, last night my girlfriend was shopping for a new winter jacket. I was in charge of protecting her old jacket while she tried some new ones on. They were playing Michael Bubble's crappy Christmas album. I had nothing better to do, so I held one arm of my girlfriend's jacket, and waltzed around the store to the shittiest Christmas music of the new millenium. Well, at least I had fun.

So to wrap up the music and this poorly written blog entry, here's Dobby Dobson and Ringo (not Starr) singing off beat for six whole minutes.

Listen to Mary's Boy Child

And that's it! I actually had another Christmas disco album, but it's in French and not quite as interesting as these others. And now, I need to get back to dealing with the trash that's been polluting my life over the past couple months. See you on the other side of the dump!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Bad Asian Beatles Cover

I'm briefly popping in to bring you a nice video. Well, maybe not nice. More like atrocious.

I really hope to be back at blogging soon. I'm missing it and I have a couple more Junq Tour entries to make. My situation hasn't changed, but my time isn't being as highly consumed as it was over the last month. I may know where things stand come mid-December. Unfortunately, there isn't any money for Christmas this year. Oh well, perhaps some of my leftover and highly-collectible blog items will make great gifts for friends and family. I'm sure someone would love one of the many Arnie cassettes I own, and maybe my 6-year-old can find a use for one of my "Fantastic F" 8-track tapes.

Anyway, allow me to shut up and present you with what The Beatles would have sounded like had they come from Vietnam.

Now I must go back to dealing with life...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Junq Tour 2012: Boissevain and Portage La Prarie

I've decided to start combining Junq Tours that don't have high yield. Before, I would just relegate the one or two items into the regular queue box, but that box is already full of junk I haven't had time to go through. This time around, we've got the little town of Boissevain and the big town of Portage La Prarie.

 - Boissevain, Manitoba -

Jerry Foster - Bars & Bedrooms

I picked this one up because Jerry looks like he's 80 years old on the cover, and we know from previous entries that old men sound like an 8-track player with a bad motor playing a tape that's packed tighter than a virgin kitten's asshole. That's exactly how he Jerry sounds too!

These are crappy country songs. The tracks sound like they were recorded in different periods over the last 50 years, and were mixed together by someone who had little clue how to make it sound even. But when you've never recorded anything in your life, you don't care how uneven it sounds because it's better than any of the recordings you made on your shoebox tape recorder.

I don't know who's singing with Jerry, but she's not any fucking pleasure to listen to either. They sound like a bad imitation of Johnny Cash and June Carter. Here's a song which contains the lyric "You can't change the spots on a leper." The overall mood of the song makes me want to drink home brew, eat beans, and kill myself.

Listen to Spots

 - Portage La Prarie, Manitoba - 

Song Hits SH-24-B

I know that there's more in this series of 45s because I left one behind for being so scratched that it looked unplayable. When I bought this, I honestly didn't know if I was getting originals or cheap imitations. The lack of a big name record label is usually a dead giveaway, but sometimes a bootlegger will surprise you.

These are shitty. Very shitty. "Memphis" would have been unrecognizable if it weren't for the opening riff, "Surf City" was likely sung by people in wheelchairs who have never surfed in their life, and "So Much In Love" has so much soul, it causes the singer to sounds like Lou Reed. It was the perfect one to feature here.

Listen to "So Much In Love"

Super Rock Hits - A Tribute To Various Artists Vol. 5

This is another offering from Sound Alike Music. From what I can tell, it's basically a compilation of the garbage they've previously offered on other tapes . The Alice Cooper tracks are the exact same ones as the tribute album they put out.

I love the fact that the "Vol.5" listed on the cover isn't actually part of the artwork, but is a sticker plastered onto it. I'm guessing the artwork for Volumes 1 through 4 are exactly the same with the appropriate stickers slapped on top. Gotta cut costs somewhere when you're making crappy tribute 8-tracks!

The one I picked off this masterpiece is the Lou Reed song. I'm trying to figure out if the guy is actually singing better than Lou Reed, or if he's struggling to sounds as bad as him. The track is hilarious either way! Just like all the other SAM 8-tracks, I had difficulty getting this one to play reliably.

Listen to Walk On The Wild Side

Book: Little Red Riding Hood

Straight out of 1979! Why is it that most books with still images of dolls acting out stories are so fucking creepy? Red Riding Hood is the most normal looking doll in the book, but check out this picture of the wolf dressed up as grandma:

Talk about birth defects! The wolf's mother was a meth addict. Now here's a picture of Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Woodsman:

The Woodsman's looks as if he's ready to kill Grandma. Look at his eyes. Why are they blue? Who the hell has eyes like that? Also, dig the picture of the shrooms on the wall. Far out, man! Perhaps that explains everything.

I've got lots more coming from the Junq Tour. I hit up two major thrift stores last week and came out with tons of crap, so there's plenty more on the way.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Junq Tour 2012: Carman

Yes! I'm back on tour to collect thrift store garbage from all over Manitoba. The Southern part of the province is covered mainly by the Christian Wheat Belt, so the thrift stores are naturally packed to the tits with Christian albums, Christian videos, Christian books, and Hutterites. I'm really trying to remember to take pictures of the thrift stores I visit, and I actually remembered this time.

So, fire up those horses and plows and we'll take a trip through Southern Manitoba's thrilling thrift store goodies...

George Staerkel - The Signature Collection

Hooray for photoshop! You know, George could do anything he wanted in photoshop for his greatest hits CD. My suggestion would have been to put some hair on him, but instead he left it bald, and the glare makes it a very obvious photoshop disaster. He could have trimmed his head down too which might have helped make it less photochopped.

Now then, onto the CD. I cannot deny that George is very talented. The guy can sing very well, and he can also play a nice array of instruments such as the trumpet, the saxophone, the piano, and a few others that I don't feel like mentioning. Although George can span a few octaves with his voice, he seems to prefer squeezing his balls and singing songs of a falsetto nature. Included are the songs "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "Cara Mia", "Stay", and he also yodels through a few. He pulls it off very well, considering the pain he puts up with his balls squished in what is likely the hand of his wife Barbara.

The downside to this CD is the production. There's way too much reverb on everything, and the entire recording is run through a compressor, making it sound like compressed echoey crap.

All production values aside, it's very difficult to pick a song when there's so much talent to be found. But not all was lost... The song "The Lonely Bull" has George doing some very lovely trumpet work in it. Unfortunately, the trumpet is the only real instrument in the song. Everything else is synthesized. BADLY. The star of the show is the mandolin which, instead of sounding like a mandolin, sounds a lot like the "Mario got squished by an elevator" sound from the Colecovision version of Donkey Kong.

Listen to The Lonely Bull

The Humorous Gospel Songs of Bob Larson

I had a bitch of a time getting this record to play on my turntable. A little known fact: Atheist turntables have a much larger spindle in order to avoid playing garbage like this. I had to hammer this stubborn whore into submission because it was so tight.

The subtitle for this album is "Compatible Stereo". What the hell is compatible stereo? What would incompatible stereo sound like? Mono? Silence? Help me out here...

All the songs on this album sound pretty much the same with the exception of the lyrics. Bob Larson isn't much of a singer, so instead he does some kind of half-assed rapping. Mind you, this album came out before rap music was invented, so I guess Bobby is a pioneer when it comes to rap music. As for the songs being humorous, well, they're not. Well, maybe except for the song "Grumbling Christians". Lyrically, it's absolutely miserable but musically, it's happy as fuck. It's like listening to a 1950's version of The Police.

Listen to Grumbling Christians

The Bibleman Adventure

This video looked too terrible to pass up, and it certainly was. I honestly couldn't be bothered to watch it past the exciting theme song because it was so head-bangingly retarded. The intro itself gave me enough excitement to fulfill 7 years worth of Sunday sermons.

By the way, I played the title screen in slow motion to see what all the moving computer text was. It appears to be some sort of video routine taking place in an OSX terminal. At least we know Jesus approves of Apple products.

Check out this totally fucking epic action scene where Bibleman stops a group of bible thieves by ... uhhh... waving his arms at them?

We need more superheroes based on old books. My two suggestions are "Moby Dick Man" and "Playful Pussy Woman"

There's plenty more Junq Tour entries on the way! Unfortunately, it's because we're short-staffed at work and I have to fill in with extra trips. Might as well make the best of them!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Home-Made Album Artwork

Many apologies for the lack of updates. Home renovations have been plentiful, and they've been keeping me busy and away from the computer. On the plus side, my house is looking better! Anyway, here's a nice quick entry for you to enjoy. I guarantee you'll enjoy it because there's no music in this one.

When most people burned a CD or record a tape, they just scribble the songs on the case or write something generic like "Good Mix" on it. But occasionally, some people will take some time and put work into the 'album cover' of their freshly-made mix. These works of art seem to be a bit scarce in the wild, but it's always a treat when you find one. Let's look at some...

Samantha's Birthday Mix

I picked up two of Samantha's CD in a freebie box at a yard sale. Why would she get rid of these? Samantha was very quick about making this cover, as she just wrote on a piece of paper and drew some balloons. A good chunk of the songs on this mix CD suck ass.

Mix CD #6

I'm assuming that this is also Samantha's CD since it was in the same freebie box. You may not be able to tell from the scan, but Samantha put a LOT of work into this one. It looks as if she printed out a bunch of pictures of herself and her friends, cut them out, glued them onto the paper, waited for it to dry, and then ran the collage back through the printer to print the track listing. I'm not sure if the same was done for the title, or if she wrote it with a marker.

I'm guess using Photoshop to make her collage was just too fucking difficult for her.


Before Brian Johnson became the singer for AC/DC, he was in a band called Geordie. What we have here is Geordie's first two albums recorded onto an 8-track (the brand name is Eaton's Viking) and I'm only guessing that the picture glued onto the top of the tape (which was cut from a newspaper) is Brian Johnson. The name "Geordie" seems to be somewhat professionally printed onto either a label, or it was printed on the background paper with Scotch brand magic tape over top. The song listing on the back is hand-written.

Random artwork found on the ground

Okay, so this isn't an album cover, but it's been sitting in the 'queue box' for fucking ever. It's an original piece of pastel artwork, and I found it laying on the boulevard. I have no clue what the artist was trying to convey. Perhaps they have Parkinson's disease and they're only able to draw squiggly lines. Whatever the person's artistic handicap may be, this is an ugly piece of work. The artist's name seems to appear at the bottom right, but it's barely legible. I'd hang it on my wall if it didn't suck.

Well, that's it for this entry. If you're completely bummed out that there was no audio, then you can always download and listen to the radio broadcast I did with Kent Davies' radio show Amateur Hour where I played some of my favorites and not-so-favorites. I haven't listened to it myself yet, so I have no clue how stupid I sound on the radio. Regardless, we both agreed that it would not be my last appearance on his show. Unfortunately, it may not happen until at least November since I'll be Junq Touring across Manitoba, in search of foreign garbage that will grace the face of this blog.

(In case the radio broadcast link above goes tits up, you can download it here too.)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Y.M.C.A. Forever

I picked up this VCD quite some time ago. I was initially attracted to this double disc set because of the interesting selection of songs on it. I mean, who couldn't resist a live video of some Asian guy singing "Please Don'tgoauy", "Can You Feel The Lave Tonght", "Ydsterday", "Surf In USA", and "Bao Case Loving You"

He spends his time in between songs having a discussion with some Asian girl who is only heard and not seen. I haven't a fucking clue what they're talking about because none of it is in English. The only English on this video is whatever popular songs this poor bastard tries to sing, and if you ask me, he should get his foreign ass back to taking English classes.

Check him out as he takes a shot at singing The Village People's Y.M.C.A. Feel free to sing along with the conveniently provided subtitles.

If anybody can actually identify who this guy is, please feel free to let me know in the comments section. Or, perhaps Youtube will inform me when they decide I violated the copyright.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Avenue of America 8-tracks

At 4:00pm on August 15, 2012, I will be featured on Kent Davies' "Amateur Hour" on CKUW 95.9 FM which is the radio station at the University of Winnipeg.

I've never been on the radio, so I might sound like some clueless asshole Kent found on the street (although I wouldn't be surprised if that's the kind of fun he's aiming for!) If by some chance you cannot tune in due to your forgetfulness or suffer the unfortunate handicap of NOT living in Winnipeg, you will be able to download the show here.

So now that I've officially sold out, you can expect the blog entries to suffer and become a much lower quality than before. Wait... is that even possible????

Kent mentioned to me that he was interested in my collection of 8-tracks, so for this entry I figured I'd dig out three more and post them. Without further ado, here's some shitty 8-tracks by a shitty Canadian company called "Avenue of America". Not only are these shitty cover songs, the cartridge shells are shitty too. Each of them cracked or broke while I was trying to get the shitty things apart to repair them.

I think I've just set a new record for the number of times I used the word "shitty" in a paragraph.

The redeeming thing about this run of 8-tracks is the actual sound quality is surprisingly good. Whoever mastered these did a decent job, so you'll be able to hear stellar crap for a change instead of the usual crappy crap.

Avenue of America presents The Magnificent Groups
(8X AVE-3802 A)

"8X AVE-3802 A" is rock star lingo for "Cheap Imitations of The Rolling Stones"

I didn't find this tape to be all that horrible since the singer vaguely sounds like Mick Jagger. Unfortunately, the poor bastard has trouble trying to hit the high notes in "Tumblin' Dice" and the back up singers don't come close to what's on the original recording. I actually had problems identifying this song since it sounds almost nothing like what the Rolling Stones did.

Listen to Tumblin' Dice

Avenue of America presents The Magnificent Groups
(8X AVE-3802 B)

"8X AVE-3802 B" is rock star lingo for "This isn't REALLY Creedence Clearwater Revival - Haa Haa, We Fooled You!"

The Mick Jagger singer is back at it, and he's singing CCR this time around. Actually, it sounds like they got a couple of different singers to perform on this tape. It's atrocious on many levels, but there's nothing as bad as this version of Proud Mary. In my opinion, if you can't get the lyrics right, then you have no fucking business covering the song!

Listen to Proud Mary

Avenue of America presents Grammy Awards 1972
(8X AVE-3702B)

By looking at the catalog number of this tape, I'm only assuming there's another volume. But we wouldn't know that by the incredibly descriptive title, would we?

This isn't really the soundtrack to the 1972 Grammy Awards. This is a bunch of assholes who will never win a Grammy in their lives, but I'll bet the album title gave them a nice ego boost.

Anyway, I checked Wikipedia for how accurate this tape was with regards to songs that won awards. Well, there's a few of them, but I don't see anything by Simon & Garfunkel, The Band nor Neil Diamond. Not only that, they put the Creedence Clearwater Revival rendition of "Proud Mary" on this tape while it was the Ike & Tina version that won the Grammy. Therefore I call bullshit on this one. It was all just an ego boost and an excuse to make money off some dumbass who thought he was getting a kick ass compilation of his favorite songs.

We already covered the Proud Mary song on the not-CCR 8-track (and it's the same stupid recording here), so I decided to pick on the song "Homeward Bound". Honestly, I was actually enjoying this slightly oddball version of the song until I heard the drummer make a mistake, and then repeatedly make the same mistake over and over again until the song was over. Sometimes I have to wonder if these recordings were done in one take. I could imagine the producer say "Ah fuck it, that's good enough! We need to rush this tape to the factory before 1972 is over."

Listen to Homeward Bound

...and that is certainly enough for this entry. I've got tons of stuff to get done before Summer ends, so the entries will be a bit spaced apart. But don't worry, I'll be back to torture you again.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Three Awful Cassettes

I figured I'd take a break from this hot, sweaty, stinky summer to bring you a blog entry. Here are three cassettes that have been sitting in my queue box for god knows how long. I don't remember where I bought or found them, but all three are terrible to some degree.


Yup, that's all that's on the label. Who in hell's fuck is Douglas? What was the purpose of his existence? Why is his name on this cassette?

Anyway, this cassette seems to contain audio from an old record which was likely a home recording. This is not a professional recording, nor did "Sounds Great Tape Supply" do a very professional transfer. There's audio glitches in it for some odd reason and at the end of the cassette, you can hear the Microsoft Windows error noise! It threw me for a loop because I hadn't heard it in years, and I've been running Linux since 2006. If you ask me, the  tape company should be called "Sounds Like We Fucked It Up Again Tape Supply"

The recording is of someone playing a piano, and some woman howling at the moon, all blanketed in the glorious scratchy goodness that acetate records bring to make sure you don't preserve your precious memories all that well.

Listen to Douglas

Grandma Ferne Sings Sunday School Choruses For The Children

Yes! We have yet another mystery guest which fills us full of curious questions. Who is Grandma Ferne? Who's grandma is Grandma Ferne? Why is she trying to sing? Why is she in a Sunday School? Why isn't she in a personal care home wetting herself instead? Why do the children sing better than she does? Why the fuck did I buy this tape?

The whole tape is full of Granny croaking along to shitty three-second-long religious songs. Most people can have orgasms that last longer than these songs, so what's the pleasure in listening to this tape? The answer is: NONE.

Hear Granny Ferne sing about reading your bible.

Jenna Crispin - First Time Around

Girls always bleed the first time around.

I must say that the company who mastered this cassette (who chose to remain anonymous) did a fantastic job. It's the cleanest thing I've heard since the Rex Benson album, and I was actually able to turn on the dolby noise reduction without having the recording sound like mud.

I'm guessing Jenna is around six years old. She seems to be partial to country music which is very unfortunate for all of us. I did a search for her on Google and it appears that there's other people who hate her music more than I do. She's not as bad as that blind girl I reviewed which just goes to show that children with disabilities have slightly less talent than children without disabilities. Hell, my album is better than this piece of shit, and since I wrote most of my own songs, you can't tell me I did a shitty job with them. They're supposed to sound shitty!

Okay, enough about my awesome music career when I was a preteen, let's get back to the album. If there's one thing that most people have in common (including those who like country music) it's that most think the song "Daddy's Hands" is perverted and disgusting. But nobody discouraged Jenna from recording it! So now, I'm going to make you the reader feel like you're listening to a disgusting Gary Glitter-ish fantasy, and you're going to need a shower after this one.

Hear Jenna sing about the love from Daddy's Hands

Now I'm off to go cry about my troubled, sexually abused childhood. Perhaps I'll get therapy, record my sessions, and let you listen to them.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Album Review: JohNNy SiZZle - MetamorpheSIZ

I'm in a fantastic mood right now, and I've been putting off reviewing this album. Why? I don't know. In my opinion, it doesn't fit in with the garbage I usually feature on this blog. However, if it wasn't for Johnny Sizzle, this blog probably wouldn't exist.

I was first introduced to Johnny back in the early 1990s because he had a public access television show called "Johnny Sizzle's Entertainment Watch". I've featured a few videos from that show on this blog. He also went to the same high school as me, and there were a few people there who remembered him. I also remember seeing some of his home-recorded cassettes on sale in the 'local' section in the music stores. I was tempted to buy one, but when you're a teenager with very little money to spend, you question spending twelve bucks on a cassette.

A few months ago, I came across MetamorpheSIZ in a thrift store, I instantly bought it, took it home, and listened. Previously, I had heard only two of Johnny's songs at this point (Theme from Johnny Sizzle's Entertainment Watch, If Satan Was My Lover) so I kinda knew what I was in for. But this album was a bit different than what I expected. It's good! It's all catchy acoustic punk rock songs. I like punk rock, I like the acoustic guitar, and I like catchy songs. It sorta reminds me of The Replacements, and I like The Replacements.

The first track (Because I Want To) is an absolute gem. It would be a fantastic song for a female singer to cover, and I'd love to get my girlfriend to do a cover (that's if Johnny's cool with it, and my girlfriend likes the song).

While looking at the credits for the album, I found out that the first six tracks (which have a full band on them) have contributions from Mr. Plow! If it slips your mind, I posted about a Mr. Plow album here.

Even though the album is fantastic, I'm not going to post the whole thing for downloading, but suggest you purchase it from here.

I respect all the work that Johnny has done over the last 20+ years, and feel he deserves the money. However, I do feel the need to post one track from it, and I've been torn on which one to post. But ultimately, I decided on the family sing-song "Oh Happy Happy Hardcore Kid"

Listen to it here!

The album is going into my regular CD collection as opposed to going into the blog archive bin, and that speaks volumes in itself.

Oh, one more thing... the blog has received 100 likes on Facebook. Finally, some real friends!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sex Records

I haven't posted in a while because I've been extremely busy. I've been doing house renovations - one of them is FINALLY getting my 1300+ CD collection under control. The other is trying to get my bedroom renovated. On top of that, I've been enjoying time with my child, my girlfriend, and then being forced to do the usual house chores (which have NOT been kept up very well). Not only that, the weather's been nice and I don't feel like being trapped indoors. Everything else ends up suffering, like having frequent blog entries, and I STILL haven't revamped my computers which are maxed to the tits with data. Don't worry, I haven't lost my passion for this blog, nor have I run out of things to blog about. The in queue box is violently overflowing.

Anyway, let's get this shit done...

I got a new turntable! It's a Technics model SL-QD2 and it sounds just as fantastic as the Hitachi that I retired. The only difference between the Technics and the Hitachi is I paid $1.00 for the Hitachi while the Technics one was free. So, let's put the new turntable to use and check out some records on the subject of sex...

The Wild Humor of Rex Benson

Click on the cover to see it uncensored - NSFW!

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. I did NOT buy this album for the cover. No no no. I bought it because I've never heard of Rex Benson and I'm always interested in finding new talented artists to feature on this clean, family-oriented blog.

The album cover states that the audio contains "out of sight stories of sinful satire and wild, wild sexplay!" I think there's more wild sexplay on Raffi's Adult Entertainment album. The wildest part of this album is the cover. Rex Benson doesn't utter a single cuss word and dances around the obvious with polite, non-offensive ways to paint the pictures of his sex jokes. He sounds like a very proper young man who is still suppressing his sexual desires.

There will be no audio clip. The album isn't very funny and the woman on the cover has ugly tits.

My Body Is My Own Vol.2

Sex with children is generally frowned upon, so Kid Stuff records made an album about it. I bought this one still sealed, coloring book inclusive! Trying to pick an interesting clip from this record was very difficult. So much of it is entertaining! Before we get to the clip, let's look at some of the pages in the coloring book:

I don't know about you, but encouraging a kid to color a picture of a man feeling up a little girl's leg is just... uhhh... weird. As for the dialogue, I'm borderline on if I find it all extremely creepy or downright fucking hilarious. I suppose I'll let you decide for yourself:

Listen to My Body Is My Own!

Def Dames Dope - Don't Be Silly

I got this in a box of records on freebie weekend. Some bastard kept the free condom and sticker that were attached to the record sleeve. The back of the album has an address where you can send away for a free T-shirt of the album cover. Why in hell would ANYBODY wear a T-shirt with THIS album cover on it? If you're stupid enough to send money for a T-shirt like this, you've invested in a guarantee that a group of teenagers will kick the shit out of you for being a loser.

Smile Condoms, the company who is promoted on the album cover has the slogan, "Smile: Best condom, worst chewing gum." If you're dumb enough to chew on a fucking latex condom, then you have no right to be procreating with or without a condom. Do everyone a favor and choke on the Smile.

In my opinion, the song, the condom, and the T-shirt all promote stupidity. I don't think ANYBODY who purchased all this stuff has the smarts to figure out what hole to put their penis in. Perhaps that explains the gunk I had to clean out of the hole in the center of the record before putting it on my turntable.

This is the radio edit. The song isn't good enough to put up the five minute remixes.

Listen to the fucking song.

And that's it for this round! Now that it's garage sale season, I'll be on the lookout for even more fun and interesting stuff. Stay tuned and please forgive me for the sporadic entries. It is summer after all.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Pakwah Wong - Karaoke Champion

So this entry is about a guy I went to school with. My classmates informed me that there was something not quite right with the boy, and you could tell it by his appearance. He was the only kid in high school who wore sweat pants. He would bob his head to the imaginary music playing inside of it. When he spoke, he spoke as if he were highly intellectual. If you hid his pencil case on him, he would yell, cry, and slam his head repeatedly on the desk.

Pakwah's peers generally left him alone, but there would be the occasional troublemaker who would magically make his pencil case go missing to put some entertainment in our otherwise boring classroom lives. However, it wasn't always Pakwah's peers who would cause him to have a psychotic breakdown. The chemistry teacher made him stay after class to finish up his project, and Pakwah proceeded to slam, yell, cry and scream while Mr. Chemistry tried (and failed miserably) to contain his laughter.

So where is Pakwah these days?

Yup, he's dead. It seems quite fitting that someone who seemed slightly bizarre would die of something quite bizarre - diabetes at age 27. Personally, I could have seen him getting hit by a truck before dying from diabetes.

Pakwah's classmates these days are now matured and in their 30s. They'd likely understand him more now than they did back then.

Pakwah had his brief moments of fame in high school. My classmates had told me that Pakwah had performed an extremely unforgettable rendition of Ghostbusters at the school's Karaoke contest the previous year. For the first year I attended the karaoke contest, I brought a tape recorder knowing very well that I was likely in for a treat. And what a treat it was!

It seems strange and even sad that I'm releasing this recording post-humously. Perhaps those who remembered this event and even those who fondly remember Pakwah will take joy in hearing this recording. He could be thought of as Winnipeg's William Hung (although Pakwah sings much better).

Listen to Pakwah sing "Great Balls of Fire"

I swear that this was the only time I heard the entire school auditorium roar in cheer. Pakwah certainly had the ability to entertain. Incidently, if any former students of Tec Voc High School (namely those in the RTB program) have video of Pakwah performing at Karaoke, please get in touch with me and I'll happily put it on Youtube.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Five Years of Classical Gas Emissions

I honestly didn't think I'd last five years, but here it is. Currently, this is the second-longest project I've put effort into (my longest was my Canned Peaches novelty project)

I'm going to get a bit personal here about how this blog came about. Back in 2007 when I started the blog, posts were a bit sporadic. I had recently become a father and I needed stuff to do with my baby boy. His mom didn't seem to want to spend time with us, so I figured the best thing I could do to occupy my time while he was at such a young age was to frequent thrift stores and garage sales. I cannot count how many poopy diapers I changed in the back seat of my SUV while driving around shopping for junk.

While I was touring the thrift stores, I started putting effort into finding oddball stuff that people had donated. I still have a massive collection of things that have been sitting around that I have yet to hear, watch, make fun of, and post for you to laugh at. I've met some interesting people through my blog, interacted with many professionals who wanted to use some of the content here, and even sold a couple of items!

To end this serious note, I'd like to say thank you to my readers for following along throughout the years and supporting what I think is a pretty stupid hobby, but it brings a lot of laughs and entertains me immensely.

Now that we're done being serious, let's post some birthday shit that I've collected...

Happy Birthday - Voco

Voco Records wishes the blog a happy birthday and tells all of us to be merry, happy, and gay. Thanks a lot Voco, I really didn't need someone basically insisting that I get a birthday bump from a gay man. I get enough hate male telling me to go fuck myself, so that should be sufficient.

Listen to Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Greetings from the Stars

Here we have three celebrities (two of which have come back from the grave) wishing the blog a happy birthday in the best way they know how. These are REAL celebrity messages, not cheap imitations like the Celebrity Answerall tapes.

This cassette is interesting. The box it comes in doubles as a package to mail the cassette in. Side 2 is blank so you can record your own message! Unfortunately, whoever owned this cassette previously didn't record their own message, so fuck them for not wishing the blog a happy birthday.

Listen to the Stars talk!

And finally, my gift to you. Way back in 1987 or 1988, my family had a dog. I can't remember which dog it was, but it was definitely a dog. To get tips on how to deal with said dog, we decided to start watching a public access show called "You & Your Dog. As a kid, I recorded everything I could and this was no exception.

The show did not go smoothly because of people phoning in and jacking around with the phone. Because of this, the show became permanently part of my video collection and helped develop my interest in collection unusual stuff.

So here it is!

I never realized (until I posted it on Youtube) that the song used for the opening and closing credits was an Allman Brothers song. I fucking hate the Allman Brothers.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Album: Archie Presents Petite in Doggie in The Window

Yes! Another Uncle Bob record! Before I get to this album review, I figured I'd mention that three of the dummies that Uncle Bob did the voices for have apparently been put on display at the Manitoba Museum. Today was freebie day for members of a certain union (which I happen to belong to), so I figured I'd go and get a nice picture of them for this entry.

The Manitoba Museum is full of dead animals and Indian arrowheads. Very little has changed in the last 25 years since I've been to the museum, but they've certainly improved the security. When I got closer to an old piano to have a better look at it, an alarm started screaming like a pig having a cheese grater shoved up it's ass.

Just when I thought I was getting close to seeing my beloved creepy wooden dummies, I was greeted by more fucking dead animals. Yet again when I felt so close to seeing the puppets that I swore I heard Archie Wood giving a safety tip, I was bombarded by yet more goddam Indian arrowheads.

There's very little for me to see and enjoy at the Manitoba Museum, and I'm very thankful that I found free parking and didn't have to pay any money for the disappointment. Unfortunately, I wasted an hour of my life plowing through the boring displays of things I don't care about. Fuck the Museum.

Now then, lets get back to the album. I found it at an estate sale last weekend and it's in pretty damn good shape for how old it is and for it being a children's album. For those who are in the dark, Uncle Bob, Archie Wood, and Petite the Dog were on local television for a good 20 years entertaining children (including myself). I've previously reviewed the Funtown album and the Christmas album.

I'm pretty sure that this is the first album that Uncle Bob released. It took a total of four people to produce this album: one to play the organ, one to record the audio, one to take the cover picture, and one to voice the characters. That exactly how an album should be released! There's virtually nothing on the sleeve nor the label on what record company actually released this with the exception of it being distributed by Clay-Mor Sales.

Anyway, Uncle Bob generously graces us with more sped-up records to simulate Petite's supposed high pitched squeaky voice. You get to hear "Doggie In The Window" and "I Think I'll Eat A Tadpole" played on the wrong speed. All the other songs on the album are played on the granny organ and sung by Uncle Bob in his multi-talented voice along with his goofy sense of humor.

The track I chose off this album is the extremely terrible but funny rendition of "Home On The Range". The gloomy sound of the organ makes it sound like the deer and the antelope are all dead.

Listen to Home On The Range!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Rovez Rocks The Mic

I found this computer a couple of weeks ago. It's mostly loaded with pictures and illegally downloaded movies. However, I found a few little gems on it. Meet Rovez:

This is the only picture I could find of Rovez. I wish it was clearer, but he's just rockin' the fuck out of that microphone, isn't he?

Anyway, Rovez recorded a number of tracks on this computer. There are multiple takes, so I chose the most complete ones to share with you. I'm pretty sure they're all originals. None of them had titles, so I took it upon myself to bless these creations with only the best song titles I could think of.

I also found a downloaded copy of the Autotune VST plugin. He desperately needs it, but instead of putting it on any of his songs, I left them in raw form since they're so much more entertaining!

It's such a pretty song about how Rovez wants to be famous. His wish is my command... Please welcome Rovez to Classical Gas Emissions!

Here, Rovez is missing his girlfriend. She probably left because he sang to her.

You Got Me Too
This is his longest song. I thought the lyric was "Every time I think of it I pinch myself". After a couple more listens, I've decided that it's actually "I piss myself".

I'm Fuckin' Sick
This is his shortest song. In fact, it's him rapping for a total of 9 seconds! I'm not sure what the message is that he's trying to convey, but it fails to reach me. All I've learned is that you little bitches is just fuckin' faggots!

There's a little story behind this one. From the information I gathered, it seems that Rovez wanted to enter a freestyle rap contest. I found the actual MP3 he was rapping to and I also found an overdub track. Since I had the basic makings of a song, I mixed it together, threw some effects on it, edited it, and voila... I've got Rovez's big hit single! Make way for the mansion and the hot bitches!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed rummaging through Rovez's computer. I'm not sure when my next entry is going to be because it's time to re-vamp my PC again. Over the next little while, I'm going to be backing everything up, formatting, re-installing, and I've put together a nice file server which I've named "Jehovah". So forgive me for any delays, but I'll try to keep a few updates coming over the next little while.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Satellite Wildfeeds 12/04/15

So I've found myself a new hobby... Searching for wildfeeds on the satellite dish. A wildfeed is basically an unscheduled broadcast which is transmitted to a satellite. Someone waits back on earth to receive the broadcast for whatever purpose they need it for. These feeds can be TV shows, sporting events, or live broadcasts. Mobile news vans use this method extensively when they're reporting live.

I have my dish aimed at SES1 101W because they (used to) have History Channel. Unfortunately, History got nuked and all I'm left with is a couple of Russian stations and the shitty Pentagon channel.

I stumbled across my first wildfeed while I was doing a blind scan out of boredom. When I saw that I had grabbed something interesting, I immediately started recording. Here's what I got:

This stuff is almost as good as public access TV! So lately, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for more unannounced goodies freely transmitting into my living room. Here's my second one:

This guy's hilarious!

There isn't much for interesting wildfeeds on youtube, so I'm hoping I can changed that. I've just won an ebay auction for a satellite dish motor so I'll be able to scan the skies for even more interesting stuff.

I finally have TV worth watching again :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

American English Linguaphone Record

After a short break, it feels great to be writing in here again!

A few months back, I picked up an interesting record for 49 cents. This record is made by a company called "Linguaphone" which specializes in aids for learning new languages. Obviously, this one was to aid the student in learning English.

There's two things that make it odd. First of all, it must have been recorded sometime in the 1950s. Life isn't quite like the way it was back then! The second is the stories that the voice actors go through. They're completely unbelievable, and there is almost nothing for emotion in their voices!

So let us enjoy three of the best selections from this thing...

Car Trouble
Thank god for the crank when the battery fails!

Buying Cigarettes
Can't leave that one out! Six cigars, two pack of cigarettes, flints, and a box of matches for under five bucks.

A Visit To The Doctor
This guy should be fucking dead! Instead of admitting him to the hospital, he's been told to eat vegetables and take a nap.

Yes, this record has been brought to you by the most educational blog in Canada. Now you know how to speak proper English. Good thing they don't teach you how to spell since the label is full of typos.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Junq Tour 2012: Dauphin

This is a really, really long entry which is why it took so long to post. Not only that, spring is in the air and I've been mating like rabbits. I've also been doing a major cleaning of my garage and working overtime. It's just been a very busy period for me, and you know what busy periods mean... lots of messy cleanup!

I bought a ton of stuff when I passed through Dauphin. The thrift stores were overloaded with goodies, and I've filtered out the crap I wasted my money on so I could bring you the best of the worst and the worst of the best!

Bob Brown's Orchestra (revisited)
I found two more of these! I picked up three of them last year when I visited the Hodge Podge in Dauphin. They've been added to the archive which you can get here.

Nebula 9 - Scream - A Collection of Modern-Gothic Works

There was a whole series of these books, but this was the only interesting one. This book contains poetry and short stories, some of which are kind of fucked up. Whoever wrote these desperately needs therapy because a perfectly sane person like myself would NEVER write anything this messed up!


Desiree Fox

I don't know why, but I always have a soft spot for girls with a rounder face. So yeah, I picked up this tape because I liked her face. Her clothes are kinda ugly though. I was really hoping this girl's voice was as nice as her face, but she sounds like a less talented version of Tiffany.

Anyway, this cassette of covers is extremely underwhelming and not worth posting a clip. Perhaps if she had covered "All This Time" or "I'm Not Sleeping" I could've been more forgiving.

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Our Gospel Favorites

When I started this blog, I never thought I'd be collecting entire discographies of artists that nobody gave a shit about. This is my third entry for "Weird Kevin" Harcourt, and it's his shittiest album yet (others here and here). There's nothing remotely interesting on here except Kevin's Kermitty voice, so I'm not putting up a sound clip.

Emerson Stone

I like it! I think that's the first time I've ever written that on this blog. Seriously, it's decent music and it's catchy enough for me to enjoy.

Listen to Merry-Go-Round

The Glendys - Third Time's A Charm

Oh my fucking god! If you're looking for a singer (I wasn't) who sounds like he's got a nose full of snot and a mouth full of chewing tobacco, then you've gotta get The Glendys "Third Time's A Charm" album. After their previous albums "First Time We Were Drunk" and "Second Time We Ever Picked Up A Guitar" failed like a busted condom, they finally hit a home run. Unfortunately, they tripped and fell while running home, smashing their noses into their faces which is why the album sounds like it was recorded in 'nasal-round-sound'

So here's a Kenny Rogers cover. Poor Kenny. First the facelift, now this...

Listen to Lucille!

Aerobic Praise

Why must these Christian groups keep enforcing the thought that exercising and praising God go together well? This tape is a nightmare! In the right channel, we have the worst Christian music ever recorded. In the left channel, we have some bitch commanding us to move all over the goddam place. If one of your speakers isn't working, this cassette isn't going to be effective. You'll either be moving around the house like an idiot, or you'll kill yourself to stop the pain from this shitty praise music.

Apparently this is a second volume. The reasoning for making more than one of these albums is beyond me. Volume one probably isn't any better.

Listen to Breakaway

Buryl Red & Grace Hawthorne - It's Cool In The Furnace

This is apparently a pretty popular Christian musical about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (I can't believe I remembered how to spell those fucked up names.) The production is nice, the children can sing, and it's an all-around decent album for Christian kids. I wouldn't however recommend it to those of you who are raising your children to be Satanists. It will contradict all the values that took years to instill into your children.

Anyway, the biggest problem I have with this album is the title track. The smooth-jazz song is way too fucking long, it has minimal content for lyrics, and ends every line with the word "man" (kinda like a certain guy I know). So if you like boring and lengthy repetitive songs, this one is for you!

The Brothers In Law Strike Again

Another 'fine' release on the Arc label. As a side note, I bought Anne Murray's first album which was released on Arc. It's actually a really good folk album! Too bad she turned to crappy country music after such a great start.

Anyway, The Brothers In Law play bluegrass music and sing tongue-in-cheek lyrics about political and historical Canadian issues. I'm not too fond of bluegrass nor Canadian history, so this album doesn't have much to offer me. However, "Lullaby to a Spoiled Brat" is pretty funny, so I've put it up for you rich folk who don't understand why I buy old junk in the thrift stores. Hey, I can't understand why you buy hardwood flooring and then are afraid of scratching it. You've got the money to install it, so you MUST have the money to fix it!

Listen to Lullaby to a Spoiled Brat

Candle - The Music Machine

I bought this because it looked like someone recorded over it, so I thought it would be interesting to spend the 25 cents and find out what was on it. Unfortunately, nobody recorded over this awful Christian tape, but fear not! It doesn't play worth a damn in my machine which makes it sound like Satan is taking over their souls.

Give it a listen!

Celebrate Saskatchewan with The Panio Brothers

I very recently mentioned these guys in the Neepawa entry. I didn't think they put out any albums, but here it is in all it's 8-trackky glory. Guess what? They still suck. This album is worse than the lowly 45 I picked up. I'm pretty sure the entire band was intoxicated while they recorded this album. Musically, it sounds like a drunken slopfest. I can certainly appreciate this music when it's played well, but Christ you'd think they would at least ATTEMPT to stay sober while recording!

How bad is it? Well, this is absolutely the WORST version of "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" I've ever heard in my life. The band doesn't hold it together, and the singing drunk sounds like he's going to puke while crying in the rain. You can literally hear the room spinning in his voice!

Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain

Our Father Played & Sung by Fr. Ray Guimond

I have a great debate when I find shitty looking Christian albums. I've bought many of them and most of them are very mediocre. Every time I pick one up in the thrift store, I think to myself "is this going to be as crummy as it looks?" Most of the time I put the album down and keep going. I'm not sure why I grabbed this one, but it's probably the second-worst album I've ever featured on this blog. Think of the Steve Wilson album, but a bit more talented. ONLY A BIT.

The music is very smooth pop, the mix is bad, and Ray's voice makes him sounds like he's got parkinsons disease and is singing on his death bed. All the songs are at various stages of bad, so it was tough choosing a song off here. I decided to just go with the title track, because that's the song that should represent the whole album, and it REALLY sets it up for failure.

Listen if you dare to "Our Father"

Oak Bank Pride - 2004 Oak Bank Elementary School Music Performances

This one was still sealed. Albums made by elementary schools are always weird, terrible, or both. The music is quite well produced and sounds almost professional. Then an entire class of tone-deaf children ruin the whole fucking thing. Not only do you get children singing badly, the CD also includes a video file containing clips of the recording sessions. So this time you can actually pinpoint the children who are ruining the songs you're listening to!

Listen to the Alphabet Song

I've graciously included a Youtube video of the song "Jubilation". The kid on the cowbell got fired from Blue Oyster Cult because her sense of rhythm is about as good as a quadriplegic having a seizure. One of the drunken Panio Brothers bashing a trashcan could do a better job.

Video: Learn to Discern

Christian videos that slam mainstream music are always fun. This one has a lot of boring fodder, but right in the middle they did a piece on Kurt Cobain and how he has influenced kids to kill themselves. Since I was a fan of Nirvana, I decided to kill myself as well. I blew my head off with a shotgun at age 16 and my religious mother (who warned me that Nirvana was satanic) felt absolutely no remorse over my death.

I love how this segment of the video was prefaced by a video clip of the highly controversial heavy metal band Nelson. When I wanna get my Satan on, Nelson is the first thing I grab off my CD shelf.

Whew! That's a lot of stuff! I think I spent about 2-3 hours in Dauphin collecting it all. I've got a nice trip to Thompson coming up which means I'll probably be hitting the thrift store in Ashern on the way back.

I've got tons more stuff that I'm just dying to post, but I've been lacking the time. Summer is here (okay, it's Spring, but it's a really nice spring) and I'm enjoying getting outside and doing things. Not only that, every two years I re-vamp my computers (and this spring is the deadline for me) so I need to do massive backups, formatting, installing, and all that other fun shit. However, I'm in the process of building myself a nice file server (which I've named Jehovah) so things should be a little more smooth with transition in the years to come.

Until the next entry, keep your eyes on the skies!