Saturday, January 26, 2013

Cassettes to Torture Your Horses

Welcome back to regular entries! It's been a long time since I've actually written one of these, and I've been missing it incredibly. We're going to dip back into the overflowing "in queue" box, where my heart and hard-earned money lies. I feel like such a tool.

Magic Mike

This guy looks like John Stamos and writes songs that a fruity pedophile should be writing. Each song is approximately one minute long and sound like they were recorded with a soup can (special thanks to Shoestring Studios! Keep those hits coming!). The songs themselves will appeal to those who are young at heart and stupid in the head.

My favorite song on here (NOT REALLY) is a story about Magic Mike inviting you into his magic castle. Whether that means stuffing your wiener into his bumhole or going to his house so he can play with your pee pee is entirely up to your imagination. With magic, anything is possible! But perhaps I'm wrong about Magic Mike. He could just be a regular guy who plays dorky songs on his guitar.

Listen to "Come Along With Me - Magic Mike's Castle Theme"

Screamer - I See You

Ladies and Gentlemen... it brings me great pleasure to present... All the way from Winnipeg.... WEEN!

Holy fuck does this stuff ever sound like Ween. Instead of Gener and Deaner, we have..... SCREAMER! I'm not shitting you, that's the guy's name. His mother had a difficult delivery. The unfortunate thing about Screamer is that his stuff isn't even remotely as amusing as Ween is. So you've got the same production values, the same goofy sounding voice, and some incredibly boring songs. Think of a 'matured' Ween and you've got this album.

Listen to "I See You"

Mark Bezilla - Looney

Now here's something that doesn't happen every day on this blog... Say the band above (The Winnipeg Ween) start to have disagreements. They get pissed off at each other and one of the bandmates tells Screamer that he has the creativity of a horse's penis, tells him "fuck you, you untalented bastard" and storms out of the room to create his own solo project. Instead, he sits around picking his nose for a couple of months. Then he gets a hair-brained idea to enter a songwriting contest. So he takes one of the songs from the Screamer album, fills out an entry form, submits a tape, and loses.

Way to stick it to Screamer! You showed him who's the fuckin' boss!

Although it's just another track from the Screamer album, I'm presenting the award-losing song here.

Listen to Looney

Teo Mance (March 1)

He's BACK!!!! I reviewed his crappy CD here. I never in a million years thought I would be (unintentionally) searching out the discographies of artists nobody cares about. Teo Mance seems to be joining the ranks of Arnie and Kevin Harcourt. And if you couldn't get enough of Teo Mance by reading this blog, you can find Teo on Youtube too! Here's some of the comments you'll find on his amazing videos:

- "Awful!!....REALLY awful..."
- "This guy can't keep in tune, his voice keeps cracking, and he uses too much reverb to try and cover his faults..... Keep the day job!"
- "Take away his reverb (which you don't even have to) and whats left is a dry boring voice with sloppy amateur guitar work & the most shameful covers of classic originals."

The best thing about those comments is I DIDN'T WRITE THEM.

Anyway, back to Teo's live album. Or non-live album. Whatfuckingever. I thought it was a live album when I bought it. Regardless, it's just as shitty as the last one if not more so. Here's a chalkboard-screeching, horse-molesting cover of "Unchained Melody" originally done by the Righteous Brothers.

Listen to it Here!

And we're done! By the way, if you haven't heard my last appearance on Amateur Hour, you can download it here. I'll be back again soon with more dreadful crap to kill your horses with.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Junq Tour 2012: Altona

I forgot to take a picture of the Thrift Store while I was there because I was so tickled pink with breast cancer awareness from my finds. They're actually quite unique this time, and there's not a bad singer (or any singer) to be found anywhere. Let's look at this stuff:

Borderland School Div 2x30

I was really, really hoping that this was a recording of school children singing like seagulls being put through a meat grinder. Turns out it's actually two radio commercials urging you to put your children into the Borderland school division, where your children will get the essential education required to live in Altona (including courses on tractor driving and safe sex with your cousins)

I'm mostly putting it here because nobody else will own this shit, and someone somewhere may find it interesting. Other than historical value, it's pretty boring stuff.

Listen to them here

Laughing sfx

Ever wonder what people in the Christian Wheat Belt sound like when they're laughing at me for buying this junk? Well, look no further than this fun-filled cassette full (not really full) of the most fucked up laughing you'll ever hear in your life! Using only their laugh, see if you can guess the furry creature crawling around inside the ass of each person. It's a fun game for the whole family!

I really don't need to say any more about this tape. It speaks for itself...

Listen to Laughing

Computer Tape

Computer tapes like this one can be such a frustrating find. Many computers in the 1980s used cassettes as a storage medium, so with a generically labelled one like this, you have no clue what system it's going to work on.

I gave it a listen to see what kind of noise was on it. Luckily, Side B sounded like a Commodore noise, so I dug out my old datasette and hooked it up to my Commodore 128 to see what I could find. Unfortunately, the program gives a "Load Error" and crashes when I run it. There could be a number of reasons  for this: My datasette needs a new belt, this program won't work in Commodore 64 mode on a Commodore 128 (which is what I was using, and I don't feel like digging around my garage for a real, live working Commodore 64), or the program is corrupted on the cassette.

Luckily, I found the program on the internet. It's a slightly different version, but it seems to be the same. The program (although a slightly different version) is available here if you desire to run it in a Commodore emulator.

Side A is a little more puzzling. The audio sounds like it was made by a TRS-80, but what model is beyond me (there's lots of them). I tried to load it on my CoCo but had no results. So unfortunately, this one remains a mystery. (Did I ever mention the desire I have to review my entire collection of classic computers?)

Speaking of classic computers...

Amstrad PPC640 Computer

I'm such a sucker for old computers. I picked up this beauty for five bucks. It's an MS-DOS compatible machine that is almost as portable as your iphone, except you'll have a bitch of a time sliding this into your pocket.

This monster of a "laptop" can be powered by the AC adapter, 10 C-Cell batteries, or the cigarette lighter in your car (might wanna leave the engine running while using it). It sports a nice (HAHAHAHAHAHA) monochrome LCD screen which you can't see unless you angle it at the perfect direction facing the sun. Included are two nice (HAHAHAHAHAHA) 3 1/2" floppy drives, because we all like loading our precious data from those unreliable pieces of junk. This computer also sports a speedy (HAHAHAHAHAHA) 2400 baud modem, so you can get kicked off the internet on the go.

As a side note, there was nothing interesting on the floppies that were included.

It's an interesting design for a computer and if the damned LCD was easier to read, it could actually be useful. However, if you want to use the correct date, you'll have to wait until the year 2080 because this computer is NOT Y2K compliant. Imagine the destruction this machine could cause in the year 2100!

And that's all for the Junq Tour of 2012. I'm currently preparing to appear on Kent Davies' "Amateur Hour" either this coming Wednesday, or next Wednesday, and we're going to go over the best of the Junq Tour (or the worst if you're a mean person making fun of these hard-working musicians). Apologies for the short notice, but I'll update this space in the next day or two, letting you know when I'm appearing.

EDIT: I'll be on this Wednesday at 5:00pm. That station again is 95.9 FM - Winnipeg. Be there!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Junq Tour 2012: Winkler

Welcome to another pooperiffic installation of the Junq Tour! We may have entered 2013, but there's nothing like taking the time traveling machine back to the year 2012 to revisit some of the garbage that has robbed me of my money, tortured my soul, and cluttered the dungeon from which I am locked in to write these blog entries for all of eternity. I'm certain that none of you feel pity for me, and rightly so because I bring all this torture upon myself. YOU are a sick person for allowing me to suffer like this and subscribe to this blog.

So, let's commence with the suffering!

Ricky King - Die 20 Schonsten Welthits im Gitarren-Sound

Tell me this album does NOT look interesting. You've got covers of Neil Diamond, The Beatles, Hot Butter, Boney M, and Simon & Garfunkel (although it's NOT Bridge Over Troubled Water this time.) Look at the guy on the cover. He's a dork with bad teeth and an awful suit. The strangest thing about this album is it was released on Epic records.

This album is absolutely full of Gitarren-Soundy goodness! The arrangements aren't all that bad, and this album is reminiscent of The Ventures, and The Ventures kicked ass. The only one I don't like is the shitty cover of Popcorn. Everyone who has tried to cover that song has fucked it up. LEAVE IT ALONE!!!! You can't improve on that song. It's perfect only in its original form.

So here is a Duane Eddy-ish sounding cover of Boney M's Rivers of Babylon.

Listen here!

Roy Hope - I'm Gonna Sing

Nooooo, please don't sing. For the love of God PLEASE DON'T FUCKING SING!!!

Listen to Roy sing Jesus Train

Happy Birthday Nancy

Sound sheets are always interesting to find. They put all kinds of shit on them, and this is pretty shitty! It follows in the same spirit of the birthday cassettes made by Kidselebration except this one was made by ABC Records and Tape Sales Corp - probably another hole in the wall recording studio set out to make a few bucks. If the record slips while it's playing, you're supposed to put coins on the stars. Since I'm poor from paying for my lawyer, I had to use rocks instead of coins.

The song is just as cornball as the Kidselebration songs, and you get ripped off because there's only on song on this thing. Once the novelty wears off, you can run this sound sheet through a paper shredder. Can't do that with a cassette!

Listen to Happy Birthday Nancy

Marcy - Favorite Songs & Choruses

I've seen Marcy albums all over the place - in thrift stores and on websites featuring oddball records. Marcy seems to be a Christian puppet (much better than those asshole Atheist puppets) who sings religious children's songs. Whoever is voicing Marcy needs her neck surgically removed from her body because Marcy is the most annoying thing I've ever heard.

A search on the internet revealed that Marcy has released about fifty fucking billion albums. Feel free to browse the "known" discography here (my favorite is "Marcy sings to $1.98 Children")

Listen to Open Up Your Heart

Parables From Nature

This one is nine minutes long, so feel free to listen to it while you're sitting on the can. It will help pass the time and move the bowel.

This is a record for a film strip or slide show about Jesus (not included - it has likely gone to a better place). There is supposed to be an inaudible signal that changes the frame, but the low frequency noise is loud and clear on my stereo. If you have sub-woofers, it's going to piss you off. I guess it's inaudible when you listen to it on a piece of shit.

The stories are boring and stupid. Here's one for you to listen to about a guy who gets ripped off, just like Jesus rips me off by having his followers put out all these terrible Christian records.

Listen to Pearl of Great Price

Die Puppe

Die Puppy is a spoken word cassette containing stories about bald, creepy dolls who persuade a mob of hungry children to join them in the brutal killing of baby dogs. Die Puppy is an intensely graphic, disgusting recording which holds the potential power to make animal rights activists explode upon listening. Since the entire cassette is in German, I can only assume that this is what the contents of the cassette are. Germans are evil, and their dolls are REALLY REALLY evil.

Kris Kenemy - Christ My Love

First of all, let's look at the cover. Kris looks like he's going to cry. Why is he crying? Well, two people are running away from him, probably because he smells bad. Why does he smell bad? Well, nobody is wearing shoes, so it's entirely possible that Kris stepped in dog shit and had the brown mush squish up from between his toes, kinda like Playdoh when you press it with a fork. Poor Kris. But I'm sure the shit coming up from the bottom of his foot gave him the divine inspiration to record this album.

It's pretty bad. The piano player and drummer are desperately wanting to go off and play whatever the fuck they want, and Kris is just singing a bunch of crappy lyrics he came up with while he was bored in church.

The first song consists of six minutes of him singing about how Jesus makes him cream his panties. The second song is spelled incorrectly (It's spelled "Yahweh", not "Yahwey" - even I know that dumbass, what the fuck kind of Christian are you?) Don't worry people, only Kris's panties were creamed during the recording of this album. Everyone else went home dry and promptly indulged themselves in music made by TALENTED people to get the bad taste out of their ears.

Listen to Christ My love

Jim & Helen's Keyboard Favorites

This album was recorded onto Chromium Dioxide tape in Dolby HX Pro. Despite these fantastic enhancements in recording technology which can render a crisp high quality recording, you'll end up with a shitty product when you record your album on an answering machine. It also doesn't help when you play your keyboard after drinking three bottles of cheap gin. Despite Jim & Helen's attempt to accurately cover The Beatles, I certainly wouldn't have known it was a famous Beatles song had I not interpreted the inlay card. Not only does it sound NOTHING like Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, the title is written on the inlay as if it's about someone chewing on the food they're vomiting up.

Listen to Ooh-Blah-Dee Ooh-Blah-Da

American Pick Hit Artists - Top Ten Rock 1977 Vol.3

This isn't my first entry from these guys. I reviewed Vol.6 in this entry. What the fuck is it with these guys and their desire to ruin perfectly good Boston songs? Perhaps volumes 1,2,4 and 5 all have other tracks off Boston's debut album. I'd love to come up with a Boston tribute album out of all this, but finding these closet-produced 8-tracks isn't as easy as finding albums by Eddy Arnold and Lawrence Welk. Ever walk into a thrift store and look at the 8-track shelf? It's fucking LOADED with Lawrence Welk albums! Some people just put out too many albums, and too many idiots buy EVERY SINGLE ONE of them.

There's a lot of crap on this 8-track that I'm not familiar with. It's mainly stuff that's on-the-verge-of-disco music and mellow 70s junk that I couldn't be bothered with. But this Boston cover is really bad. It's also cut short so the suffering doesn't extend to the seven minutes of the original version.

Listen to Long Time

And now, I welcome you back to the year 2013 - at least for a brief period of time. I still may have another one or two Junq Tours to catch up on - unless the stuff I bought is all recordings of talented musicians playing really good music (and how likely is that?)