Boxed Sets For Boxing Day

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to be finishing up tracks for an album that I've been recording for what seems to be FOREVER. I began working on it in 2004 after becoming fed up with the last band I played in, took a break starting in 2006 to focus on raising my son, then started getting back at it in 2010. It's now nearly complete, and I'm hoping at releasing it by Spring, if not earlier. I guarantee you that the quality is 100 times better than the crap that I post on here which it should be, because I have hundreds of examples on how NOT to make it!

Anyway, onto the entry. In my desperation to cut down the bulk in my "in queue" boxes, I've decided to tackle some boxed sets. People sure come up with stupid ideas, and the REALLY stupid ideas seem to manifest themselves in large packages. Let's begin...


Night Moves: The Professional Approach to Disco Dance Instruction




YES! Learn how to Disco like the pros and win over all the hotties on the dance floor! This set comes with two records and an instruction book. Learn the popular moves that all the kids were doing in 1978 like The Airplane Walk, The Guitar, The Worm, The Dog, and The Mork. These dances are guaranteed to make you look like a disco turkey who's been sniffing too much oven cleaner.

K-Tel really knew how to market for the times. This instruction set came out in 1979, the year Disco went down the toilet. According to Wikipedia, "On July 21, 1979, the top six records on the U.S. music charts were disco songs. By September 22 there were no disco songs in the US Top 10 chart. Some in the media, in celebratory tones, declared disco dead and rock revived." K-Tel took the unsold Disco Dance boxed sets to a landfill, set them on fire, crushed them with a steam roller, covered them in concrete, covered them in a waterproof coating of rubber, and finally buried them under 300 tons of turkey droppings. The site is currently guarded by members of the Canadian military, and anybody who attempts to rescue the poor unwanted disco instruction sets will be beaten in the head with a hockey stick.

Here's how to do "The Guitar"



Listen and learn how to do the Jester's Kick!


Dating, Mating and Relating




Now that you've met your ideal woman by doing all the hottest disco moves you learned with the last box set, it's time to settle down. When you get married (or are on the verge of marriage), one of your asshole religious family members is going to give you something that will ensure that you remain happily married, no matter how much of a bitch or fuckwad your mate turns out to be. You'll get something like this 4 cassette program on how to have a great life with the person who messes up your hormones to the point of oozing in your underpants. This boxed set comes with a work book so you can treat your marriage and sex life like a school course, and we all know nothing gets couples hornier than filling out a workbook. You'll have more fun doing this if you keep your pencil in one hand and your pecker in the other.

I skipped all the other tapes and went directly for the sex tape. The female narrator (Tamara) starts off with the subject of cooking. Then she talks for about five minutes about how sex is wrong outside of marriage. And then she starts talking about giving your mate pet names.

I was hoping that this particular cassette tape would help me become a porn star in the bedroom. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed. The best piece of information I got from this tape was that it's sexy to call your woman a "hairless Siberian Husky". Somehow I doubt this piece of advice will cause a panty-filtered waterfall to occur.

The best part about this tape set is the work book. It's unfortunate that the previous owners didn't fill it out. The one page on sex is more in-depth than the entire cassette series. The couple who made this course are either embarrassed to talk about sex, or they're embarrassed that their sex life isn't more interesting.



Listen to tips on hot sex!

Now that you're married and having hot sex with your hairless Siberian Husky, let's move onto something you can do together.


They're At The Post




I'd heard about these games on the internet, so I jumped at the opportunity to own one when I saw it at a garage sale which was being held at a seniors' complex. It's a horse racing game that comes with four records, all containing horse races. The unique thing about these records is that each side contains multiple parallel grooves. You plop the needle down, and it will play one of the horse races completely at random! You never know which one you're going to get! Digitizing an entire record would be a fucking nightmare.

Listen to a race!

There's nothing like having a fun evening beside the record player, betting on which parallel groove you're going to hear. The description on the box is a technical wonder. "8 complete races on 4 LP records computerized for over 190 different finishes." Computerized? What an odd word to use for a piece of analog-encoded vinyl. According to my math, there should be 24 grooves on each record side which makes a total of 192 races. I'm tempted to peel off the Daryl Wells sticker to see what they actually covered up. Perhaps they had Pat Boone calling the races and didn't feel like redesigning the box after he left to read bible stories for children.

And that's it! I'm off to finish recording my album. I personally can't wait to join the ranks of Arnie, Teo Mance, Kevin Harcourt, and all the other famous singers who have made Classical Gas Emissions the ultimate source for talented musical geniuses.

Unique Playing Cards

I never expected myself to be making a post about playing cards, but here I am doing it. These are great and I just stumbled upon both of these decks by accident.


Gaiety 54 Models Playing Cards - No. 202A



I bought these at one of my favorite thrift stores for a buck. I was talking to the lady there about my blog and how I post unique things. She handed me this deck of cards and they were immediately mine. From the info I found on the internet, they're from 1971.

The clothing and the hairstyles are absolutely atrocious. One noticeable thing about all of these pictures is you don't get to see any bush. Either all these models forgot to trim, or it wasn't socially acceptable in the porn industry at the time to show bush.

I've picked the most interesting ones for you to see. Click on each card to see the uncensored version. In case you're an idiot, these pictures are NSFW. In case you're a complete idiot, NSFW means "not suitable for work". In case you're a fucking vegetable, it means you'll see naked titties when you click on the picture. In case you don't know what naked titties are, then get off the internet, because the internet is full of them.

  

  

 


SERC Playing Cards

Now that we've got ourselves hot and horny, it's time to suck all the fun out of it with these safe-sex-themed playing cards.

SERC stands for "Sexuality Education Resource Center". It shouldn't surprise me that the resource center is located in Brandon, Manitoba. If you've ever been to Brandon, you'll know that it's full of sexually retarded people.

I got these in a box of free stuff. The phrase on the card is the same for each rank, so I've only posted one of each.

  
  
  
  
 

The joker has nothing interesting on it. That's because there's NO JOKING about having safe sex! Wow, with a great catch-phrase like that, I'll bet the Sexuality Education Resource Center would hire me in a snatch!

Board Game: Yellowknife-opoly

No, I'm not kidding. THIS IS REAL. Yellowknife-fucking-opoly. For those of you who have no clue what a Yellowknife is, it's a crappy little city in the Northwest Territories that nobody wants to visit. It's cold, and judging from the elements of the game, there's piss-all to do up there.

The board game is obviously derived from Monopoly, but is made up entirely of advertisements from businesses in Yellowknife. Well, maybe except for Beaver Lumber since they no longer exist. For the curious, it seems that this game came out in 1997 to commemorate 50 years of the city's existence. Hooray for longevity!



Yup, there's the board. It seems that McDonald's briefly had the slogan "Great food, Free parking". Makes me wanna eat there since I'm sick of paying for parking at Burger King!



The houses in the game are standard green, but the hotels are an oddball blue. Oh wait, I'm sorry... Those aren't houses and hotels, they're retail outlets and office towers. Nobody really lives in Yellowknife, it's just a big business park. At least that's the impression I get from the game.

Even the cards are laden with advertisement. Check out these winners:



I apparently have a husband because I'm apparently gay. Fuck you, Good Old Ray!



We also apparently don't have a health care system in Canada, so we pay doctor's bills. I suppose my doctor forgets to bill me each time.



Aerial tours are apparently the 'thing to do' in Yellowknife. Yay fun.



Yeah, I always buy my makeup at Sutherland Drugs. That's what married gay men do, right?



Apparently, the streets are full of nails (thanks to Beaver Lumber blowing up)



Your brother probably comes from my city... Winnipeg.

The rest of the game is pretty much a Monopoly clone - the deeds, the Railroads (in this case, Airlines) and the play money (Chamber Bucks) are all pretty generic replacements for their Monopoly counterparts. The playing pieces are generic and super lame, so I found some interesting ones to use instead...



I found a bit of the story behind this board game from here. Those crazy Yellowknivers! So proud of their city! We also need more Monopoly games based on Canadian towns and/or cities with unique names. Two that come to mind are Flin-Flon-opoly and Dildo-opoly. Tell me those aren't winners!

But seriously, I can't wait to have a group of friends over for a cut-throat game of Yellowknife-opoly. May the player with the most blue office towers win!

Junq Tour 2010: Neepawa

I've been away for a bit, but I knew that I had a huge blog entry to type up, and I needed to get a piece of equipment up and functional to make it possible. So here we are. I don't know why, but the Tape & Book store in Neepawa always manages to provide me with cool stuff. The thrift store there was also somewhat fruitful in interesting stuff. So hang on, because this entry is going to be a bit lengthy...

Top Chart Hits of Today Vol. 3


I was blown away when I found this record. My parents had this one when I was a kid, and I played it quite often. This is obviously another tribute album done by nobodies who jammed these tracks out in the studio. However, some of these versions are quite closely done to the originals and it can be difficult to tell if it's the real thing or fake. However, some things give it away such as the incorrect lyrics in "Let It Be" and the way "Bridge Over Troubled Water" crashes and burns at the end. The Jackson 5 cover is done well along with the Mark Lindsey song. "Ma Belle Amie" isn't even fucking close. So, here's a few selections from the record, both good and bad:

Bridge Over Troubled Water
Arizona
Let It Be


Concert-Disc Stereo Demo


Here's a bizarre record. It claims that all you need to adjust the balance control and connections on your stereo is the sound of a ping pong ball. After you adjust your stereo, you are then bombarded with pieces of classical music. At the end of the classical bouncy ball sandwich, you then get to hear three sound effects which is the track I put up for your enjoyment.

Listen to Ping Pong Game / Electric Train / Jet Plane


Margie Castle - The Soap Song


It looked interesting, so I bought it. Apparently, the world needed an international theme song for people who love soap operas. Why they needed this theme song is beyond me, but here it is. It's actually well done and kinda cute, so I included it here. According to the album cover, the characted "Soapie" had her tits trademarked. They must be amazing.

Listen to The Soap Song


Santana De Mazatlan


YES! After years of writing shitty blog entries featuring crappy artists, finally some talent has showed up. It's Santana! Oh wait, it's not THAT Santana, it's that OTHER Santana guy who sings karaoke songs. The guy has an okay voice, but his song selection leaves much to be desired. Here he is, sucking all the fun out of "Bad Moon Rising" with his smooth voice. His accent makes it quite obvious that English is his second (or third) language.

Listen to Bad Moon Rising


24 Golden Ukrainian Hits Vol. 2


Ah, now here's another one that made me a very happy boy. Finding CDs of Ukrainian polkas is quite difficult, but it seems that there's at least one Hunky living in Neepawa. This incredibly enjoyable CD has all your favorite Polka kings on it: Mickey & Bunny, Peter Picklyk, Four Seasons, Auntie Mary, Peter Hnatiuk, and the Kapusta Kids. Most of these artists are out of print, so it was nice to find a compilation where they all got together and had a good ol' drunken Ukrainian piss-up! The quality of the sound on here ranges from crystal clear to muddled in shit. I'm guessing V-Records (whom most of these artists originally appeared on) spilled whiskey and kielbasa all over the master tapes, so they had to use 2nd, 3rd, and maybe even 4th generation recordings.

The most amusing on here is Auntie Mary, solely because her voice is so funny to listen to. It's probably a dude talking like he's got his nuts pinched in a door frame, but that just makes it equally as amusing. If Miss Piggy can have a dude voicing her, then so can Antie Mary!

Listen to House Party Kolomeyka


Video Game: Tengen Tetris


I couldn't believe I found this Nintendo cartridge in the Book & Tape shop. It's a collector's item and usually sells on Ebay for around $40. I got mine for a buck. It doesn't have the original box, but has something that I think is much cooler (and probably much more rare):



Permastruct! They glued these fuckers to the game cases for purpose of renting the games out. It's the cliff notes version of the instruction book. This eliminated the possibility of the renter losing (or destroying) the instruction book. I haven't seen a Permastruct label since I last rented an NES game back in the early 90s. I forgot how incredibly lame they were, but it brings back great memories.

Anyway, back to the cartridge. I honestly don't think this cartridge is all that rare because this is the third copy I've seen in my lifetime, and now I actually own one! FOR A BUCK! If you want to know the story behind why this cartridge is a collector's item, you can read it here. It was only on sale for the duration of about 4 weeks before it was taken off the shelves and all remaining (and recalled) copies were destroyed. Hooray for big business!


And finally, we come to....
The Armed Forces Workout Video!


K-Tel put out this treasure in 1984. My copy is on Beta, and my Betamax was in need of some repair which is why this entry took a while to get up. But here it is, a video that rivals Gospel Aerobics. It starts out okay, but the minute the music kicks in, you know you're in for a real treat!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pve7qk9fP7Q

I also must apologize for the current state of some of my previously featured videos. I need to fix the links in this blog, and one of my backups got corrupted leaving me with no choice but to re-digitize some of the videos that were on Youtube. What a pain in the ass. I need to hire someone to help me do this shit, but since this blog makes no money, I can't afford to hire. Well, that's not true, my Amazon link has generated a total of 9 cents. So if any of you are looking for a job, you can work for me for a yearly salary of 8 cents (hey, I need commission!) please email me your resume and I might get back to you.

Video Game: Kentris

Quite a few years ago, I picked up this CD-ROM for five bucks at a used book & CD store (check out the original price - yikes!!!). It's got a ton of old DOS games on it. I was hoping for some text adventures, but I didn't seem to luck out here. However, it did get me on a Commander Keen kick for quite some time.

I put a pile of these games onto my BBS while I was running it. I tried most of them, and came across an extremely weird game called Kentris. It's a Tetris clone written by a guy named.... get this.... KEN! Pretty original, huh?

Kentris is amusing for one reason: the audio. Ken's nasally nerdy voice fills your gameplay with action-packed excitement! Here's a video:



And if you would like to download your very own copy of Kentris, you can visit Ken Silverman's Website. Not only do you get Kentris, but you also get the source code so you can fuck around with it and make the gameplay better!

For those of you without programming abilities, you can replace Ken's audio files with your own and actually make it sound like a REAL game!