Sunday, December 20, 2015

Christmas Favorites Nobody Wants

I figured I'd sneak in one more entry before Christmas...

One of the local thrift stores had a stack of still-sealed Christmas CDs on their Christmas shelf. From my experience, almost everything in a thrift store that's still sealed is garbage nobody wants. I took a browse through the stack and it was most certainly interesting!

These were not audio CDs as I'd thought. They were VCDs. I was a bit hesitant to pick these up since my experience with VCDs has been pretty spotty. They played in my girlfriend's DVD player fine, but they sure as fuck don't work in my computer. Who the hell still manufactures VCDs anyway? (Answer: Malaysia)

The packaging is pretty magnificent...



There's nothing all that special about this copy of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". I own it on DVD. It's like the retarded brother of "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer". The thing that caught my eye about this VCD and got me excited was this:



See the error? Honestly, I would have been more excited about getting "The Best of Countre & Western Songs" instead of the animated special. There is a good chance I'll never find the disc that the error was derived from (which was likely a karaoke VCD), but I can dream!



Well, well, look at this artwork! A square blurry wreath, and a title glowing with green toxic waste. There were about six volumes of this, but I only picked up the first one. I don't need all six.



These are all public domain Christmas specials that nobody wants to watch, all encoded with Dolby Digital which I'm guessing was the standard back in the 1940s. The crowning jewel of this one was stupidly titled "Santa in Animal Land" which was made in 1948. This was from Santa's glam days, as he wore heavy eye-liner while touring with David Bowie.



This special was creepy as hell and has completely ruined the magic of Christmas for me, at least for this year. If you want to watch it, it's readily available on Youtube. There, I just ruined your Christmas too.

Anyway, I'm off to drink copious amounts of alcohol to try and forget the horrors of Santa in Animal Land. I shall see you after Christmas is done, and I've hopefully sobered up by then.

Monday, November 30, 2015

These Christmas Albums Suck, Pa Rum-Pum-Pum Pum

I've been bitten by the techie bug for the first time in a long time, so I've been busy working on some larger projects. Of course I've been taking pictures of what I'm doing, and fully intend of posting them here. However, that's not going to happen until I'm finished at least one of the three projects that I've become engulfed in.

In the meantime, let's cover some Christmas goodies! Each of these albums are offensive on a different level, so feel free to close your eyes while reading this magical Christmas entry.


The Golden Ring - Little Drummer Boy



What better way to market your Christmas album than to use child pornography! We have a very unhappy naked little boy on the album cover, wearing nothing but a drum. Shame on the art director for traumatizing this poor kid.

Yes, this is our friends at the Arc record label again. The first thing I did after playing the title track was start investigating the seemingly problematic audio connection that was happening on the right channel of my stereo. After playing a different album from a reputable record company, I realized that the problem wasn't in my stereo, but from some defect that took place while Arc was mastering this pedopilic piece of junk (is "pedophilic" even a word?) The problem seems to be present on side one only. Perhaps someone at Arc plugged the right channel output into their asshole by mistake.

The performances on the album aren't awful, but they're not remarkable either.

Listen to Little Drummer Boy


Venus Envy - I'll Be a Homo For Christmas



I brought this tape with me last Christmas when I made an appearance on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies. It's been a while since I've done that. Perhaps in the new year, I'll pay Kent another visit with more goodies.

Anyway, this album seems to have a general gay theme throughout these re-written Christmas songs. While the songs are somewhat amusing, I feel that it was a bit underwhelming. Just think about all the fun you could have doing a Christmas album with a band called "Venus Envy". It's only about half as good as the idea. The only win was the song titles. We've got "Lesbians We Have Heard On High", "The 12 Gays of Christmas", "Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer", and "Silent Dyke" Trust me, the songs are sadly not as amusing. One listen of this album is worth a cheap laugh (and you'll only get it on the first listen) and then it's time to record over it with the William Hung Christmas album.

I still have to give credit where credit is due: Venus Envy released this on their own record label. It's a very well packaged product and the sound quality is top notch. Next time, they should get ME to write their songs. I promise it'll live up to it's expectations!

Listen to Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer


Switched On Santa: The Moog Synthesizer Plays The Merriest of Christmas Favourites



If Pickwick earned an award for this album, it would've been for the longest name given to a piece of shit. Look at the expression on Santa's face. He's saying "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO HERE???" These are truly stale renditions of Christmas songs done during the very short-lived height of the Moog fad. There's nothing that says "Grandma playing at a Christmas funeral" more than this tape. The mood the Moog portrays on this album is one of a very depressing, dreary Christmas.

This is another album I poisoned the airwaves with during the Amateur Hour Christmas special.

And now, I leave you and your families with a very miserable, unhappy medley of Christmas favourites. You get all of program 4 on this sad, sad Pickwick 8-track.

Listen to it!


I'm going to try and get part 2 of my 2011 Christmas Special video up on Youtube. Remember how fun and entertaining the first part was? The feedback was good enough, so part 2 is now a necessity. Stay tuned!

Monday, November 9, 2015

I Bought These For The Album Covers

Sometimes I'll come across albums with covers that will make me ask, "Who's idea was this???" I'm bringing three of them here for you. Sometimes you can't judge an album by it's cover. In this particular case, you probably should.


A Sentimental Journey with Walter Weber



Someone slapped an old picture of Grampy on the cover. Looks like he didn't really want to have his picture taken. To be honest, side one of this record isn't too terrible. It's mostly instrumental guitar stuff which would be perfectly fine to have playing in the background while you're entertaining a bunch of old ladies who are more than eager to buy your tupperware. Occasionally, Mike Watt shows up to sing a song. Well, at least it SOUNDS like Mike Watt.

As for side two, ummmm.... well... I dunno. I can't play it. The grooves seem to be inverted for some reason. The record has a very rough texture on this side, but there's obviously something there. I suppose the only way to play it properly is to pour a bunch of glue onto it, wait for it to dry, peel it off, and then throw it on a turntable.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Listen to some inverted grooves!


Mike Labao - We The Children



There were about ten copies of this at the thrift store. As for the cover... Well it looks like someone drank a bunch of tequila, washed it down with some cans of paint, and then barfed all over the wall..

Remember what I said about people with disabilities in the past? If you need a refresher, I said "just because you have a disability, it doesn't mean you can sing." Thankfully, Mike Labao took my advice and didn't sing a single note on here. All he did was write the Michael Jackson-esque lyrics. That guitar he's holding? It's just a prop. He doesn't play a single note on here either.

The worst part about this CD is that I'm still trying to justify paying $1.25 for a picture of Mike sitting in front of barf, and a CD with a song that's almost the length of a radio commercial. As for the music, it's a crappy reggae-ish number. I'm guessing all the people who played on this album were black, or at the very least THOUGHT they were black.

The good news is ever since Mike Labao became a massively popular songwriter, he gets all the bitches. Just look at the inlay card!



Listen to We The Children


Double Exposure - Locker Room



In case you're wondering, no I did NOT pay $20 for this piece of shit. It was in a box of records that an antique shop threw away. It's apparent that Disco does not and probably never will be classified as "antique". But try as we may, we cannot seem to erase that trashy and horrible blip in pop culture that occurred between 1977 and 1979.

Here we see a bunch of dudes hanging out in a locker room, each with their obvious preference for a particular sport. Since the album came out in 1979, you could say they look like a cheap imitation of The Village People. Okay, pretty harmless, right? But when you flip the album over and look at the back...



...it's a penis fest! These guys are all sweaty from playing hard, and now they're about to get oiled up and play even harder. Look at those big smiles! They know what's going to be sliding up each others' asses once the photographer gets the fuck out of there. Seriously, who's idea was this???

The best part about the back of the album is that the song titles are listed beside these four poofs. You know this album's 100% gay with songs like "I Got The Hots (For Ya)", "(Where Have You Been) All My Life", "Can We Be In Love", and "I Wish That I Could Make Love To You". Well, maybe you could make love to him if you took off those damn jock straps!

So here's a song for all you sweaty men who love other sweaty men. Feel free to curl up by the fireplace and fuck him in the crap chute to the beat of this groovy groove.

Listen to Can We Be In Love


And that's it for this entry of penises, unplayable records, and reggae songs that make you want to barf up paint. If you've been wondering why I've been away, it's because I've begun the huge undertaking of putting something special together for the 10th anniversary of this blog. More details to come in two years!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The House of Random Discography

I've spent days torturing myself with bad cover songs and dirt-quality vinyl records to bring you this discography.

The House of Random was a Winnipeg cover band (likely consisting of a constantly changing line-up). Their albums were recorded mainly by a group called "The Eternals" who founded Century 21 Studios. To the recording studio's credit, they produced some of the most kick-ass Canadian bands from the 70s and 80s.  Century 21 went tits up in 1998 (The band AC/DC bought the bulk of the recording equipment for their own studio, so I guess that says something.)

Surprisingly, there's a discography at rateyourmusic.com. Here's a screenshot I took of it which ironically displayed an ad for Gravol because they know these albums will make you puke:



Here's a bit of history on the whole thing if you care.

Then there's the history according to the back of 15 Big Hits Vol.3:


The backs of the record albums are pretty damn interesting. On the back of "15 Big Country Hits Vol.1" they gloat about how awesome they are for tricking people into buying their knock-off albums; so much that they apparently had three gold records.



Somewhere down the line, The H.O.R. albums went from being produced by CHIMO Records to CSP Productions (or is it the other way around?) but kept the same logo. It appears that RCA had a bit of a hand in the production of these albums.

The quality of the vinyl used for these albums is atrocious. I'd play one song, laugh at how bad it is, go to play it again for transferring, and it skips like I wrote "Fuck Winnipeg" on it with a piece of broken glass. After dealing with three of these records that either skip or sound like the groove walls are crumbling, I've come to the conclusion that the 8-track tapes are the definitive format to collect sound samples from. On the plus side, since the 8-tracks were distributed by RCA, the cartridge itself is the same quality as you'd find with any other RCA release; The splice is intact, the pressure pads are the spring & felt type, and there's a big fucking rivet holding the cartridge together, requiring you to use explosives to open it should you need to do some repair work. However, the labels were glued to the cartridges with nothing but hopes and dreams, which I'm finding is not very adhesive.

So I've decided to dedicate this entry to the entire discography of The House of Random, and random it is! You never know how shitty they're going to sound! I've touched on them in an earlier entry, but as time wears on and money exits my pockets, I find myself more interested in doing entire discographies on these pieces of crap that I find. The House of Random put out a lot of albums, and I keep finding myself frustrated with not knowing if I own the ones I encounter (I'm starting to find duplicates in my blog queue boxes). I'm currently missing four albums (as far as I know): 15 Big Hits Vol.2, 15 Big Country Hits Vol.2, 15 Big Country Hits Vol.4 and The Best of The Carpenters. They will be added once I find them. I'll also be replacing the shitty vinyl copies when I find the corresponding 8-tracks since they sound and play better.

So won't you join me in reviewing each album and hearing the butchered tracks? Yes? Well then, you shall hate yourself by the end of it...

15 Big Hits Series:


Vol. 1 (CSP1)
download link

01 - Up Around The Bend
02 - Which Way You Goin' Billy
03 - My Baby Loves Lovin'
04 - Yellow River
05 - United We Stand
06 - Ride Captain Ride
07 - The Wonder Of You
08 - Mama Told Me (Not To Come)
09 - Teach Your Children
10 - That Same Old Feelin'
11 - Mississippi
12 - Come To Me
13 - Born A Woman
14 - Cinnamon Girl
15 - Monster Mash

The album cover was done by Brigdens of Winnipeg, the same guys who made the Eatons Catalog!

It isn't enough that The House of Random is from Winnipeg, but they have to ruin another Winnipegger's music. Poor, poor Neil Young. Also, if you don't want any kids banging on your door this Halloween, playing this version of Monster Mash will surely have them running home to mommy.




Vol. 3 (9229-3) (8-TRACK)
download link

01 - I Am .... I Said
02 - Joy To The World
03 - Rainy Days and Mondays
04 - Me and You and a Dog Named Boo
05 - Put Your Hand In The Hand
06 - Lucky Man
07 - Eighteen
08 - I'll Meet You Halfway
09 - Stranger In My Place
10 - I Play and Sing
11 - Have You Ever Seen The Rain
12 - You're Gonna' Miss Me
13 - Theme from "Love Story"
14 - What Is Life
15 - Rose Garden

Lucky Man doesn't fade out and that keyboard solo is more annoying than the one in the original. The Alice Cooper song was recorded after a few drinks were had. The album cover was done by Avant Design (they still exist!)




Vol. 4 (8229-5) (8-TRACK)
download link

01 - Move Em' Out
02 - Hurtin' Each Other
03 - Never Been To Spain
04 - It's One Of Those Night
05 - Brand New Key
06 - Precious And Few
07 - Desiderata
08 - Sunshine
09 - Don't Say You Don't Remember
10 - Day After Day
11 - Cotton Jenny
12 - American Pie
13 - Cherish
14 - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing
15 - White Lies, Blue Eyes

You've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, I've got a brand new 8-track by House of Random. I think you got the better deal. This version of American Pie is a tolerable 3:21 (including the dead space between songs)




Vol. 5 (CSP7)
download link

01 - Killing Me softly With His Song
02 - Cherry, Cherry
03 - Sing
04 - Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree
05 - The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia
06 - Garden Party
07 - You're So Vain
08 - Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)
09 - Danny's Song
10 - It Never Rains In Southern California
11 - Peaceful
12 - Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend
13 - Last Song
14 - Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me
15 - Dueling Banjos

Cover was done by Brigdens of Winnipeg. Such talented people! And yes, they did Dueling Fucking Banjos. That was the last song they didn't write for you. That horn player sounds like he's overdosed on Nyquil.




Vol. 6 (CSP9)
download link

01 - We're An American Band
02 - Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)
03 - All I Know
04 - Get Down
05 - Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose
06 - Angie
07 - Delta Dawn
08 - Half Breed
09 - Loves Me Like a Rock
10 - The Morning After
11 - Ramblin' Man
12 - My Maria
13 - Yesterday Once More
14 - Jimmy Loves Mary-Ann
15 - You've Never Been This Far Before

Keep those album covers coming, Brigdens!
Angie is a sad shell of what she used to sound like. Here's a riddle... How many people does it take to make an extremely shitty cheap imitation album? The answer is 21. How do I know this? Because all everyone got credit on the back of the album:


15 Big Country Hits Series:


Vol. 1 (9229-4)
download link

01 - How Can I Unlove You
02 - Take Me Home Country Roads (skips)
03 - For The Good Times
04 - He's So Fine
05 - Snowbird
06 - Never Ending Song of Love
07 - Rose Garden (skips)
08 - Help Me Make It Through The Night (skips)
09 - I'm Just Me
10 - Pictures
11 - Singing My Song
12 - Sunday Morning Coming Down
13 - Good Enough To Be Your Wife
14 - Stranger In My Place
15 - Silver Sandals

The Vocal Delivery on Take Me Home Country Roads is actually nicely done. Too bad it skips like a dog with three legs. The artwork was done by DISPLAY PHOTO. Where was it on display?




Vol. 3 (CSP8)
download link

01 - Top Of The World
02 - don't Fight The Feelings Of Love
03 - Satin Sheets
04 - Ravishing Ruby
05 - Funny Face
06 - Woman (Sensuous Woman)
07 - Kids Say The Darndest Things
08 - Dueling Banjos
09 - You Were Always There
10 - The Farmer's Song (skips)
11 - What About Me (skips)
12 - Behind Closed Doors
13 - What's Your Mama's Name
14 - Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me (skips)
15 - Teddy Bear Song

Artwork done by "The Awarehouse". We actually have lots of dilapidated farms like that in Manitoba. Vinyl quality is the absolute shits here. I tried cleaning this record, and I cleaned some of the grooves off it. The songs skipped worse afterwards. I've never seen vinyl disintegrate like that before. Farmer's Song is worth listening to regardless of whether you know it and whether or not it's the original. And yes, you get to hear Dueling Banjos again.


Artist Series:


The House of Random Sings The Best of Anne Murray (CSP11)
download link

01 - Snowbird
02 - Danny's Song
03 - Cotton Jenny
04 - What About Me
05 - Stranger In My Place
06 - Put Your Hand In The Hand
07 - Love Song
08 - It Takes Time
09 - Sing High, Sing Low
10 - Fire And Rain
11 - Talk It Over In The Morning
12 - Robbie's Song For Jesus

Yes! You get to hear Snowbird, Cotton Jenny, and Danny's Song all over again! However, the mixes on here seem to be the original ones, as they sound more raw than the ones on the 15 Big Balls series. The artwork was done by The Awarehouse, and you can see how much effort they put into it (about 20 minutes). The quality of the vinyl's a bit better here, but the performances are not. Their rendition of "Put Your Hand In The Hand" hits a few wrong chords.

You'd think that H.O.R. would leave it up to the Arc label to do an entire Anne Murray tribute album. Well guess what? Arc never covered a single Anne Murray song, and here's why:



They fucking HAD Anne Murray!

If you put out enough albums by people nobody knows, you'll eventually hit a good one. Not only was Anne Murray cute back then, but the album's pretty good too! When she signed with Capitol, she turned into the sensible, well-dressed, boring crooner we've all come to ignore.

And that's it for this discography. I've got others I want to cover, but these take a while to put up. Perhaps I'll do a video for my next entry. Everybody loves movie time!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Canadian Home Shopping Club (aka The Shopping Channel) in 1988



 I was fascinated with the most bizarre stuff when I was a kid. I would listen to bizarre music, and I would watch the most bizarre things on television. I absolutely LOVED the shopping channel, at least when Mike Banks was hosting. The Shopping Channel (as we know it today) was called "The Canadian Home Shopping Club" back in 1987 when it first started up. These guys were the KINGS of selling Cubic Zirconia jewelry, scary porcelain dolls, and ugly crap made by Capodimonte.

It's beyond me why I was enamoured enough with CHSC to fill videotapes upon videotapes of their airtime. Perhaps I watched it when I was bored, but if that was the case, then my childhood was extremely boring. I'm honestly surprised that their text and graphic screen format wasn't permanently burned into the screen my parents' television set.

The graphic above shows CHSC's second generation logo. I was lucky enough to find a snapshot of their original logo on the internet:



Some of the early hosts (or sales staff) were Brian Hiltz, Bargain Bill, and Rosemary Frasier. They were all quite boring on air. The only host I genuinely enjoyed was Mike Banks. The guy made the channel genuinely worth watching. He had an array of plush monkeys that he'd interact with named Mischief, Jocko, Vanilla, and there's probably a couple others I'm forgetting. They made the occasional appearance on screen and each had their own "sounds" ranging from Tarzan to the scream of James Brown (taken from the beginning of the song "Gravity")

The peak of entertainment was when Mike was selling Elvis memorabilia. I unfortunately no longer have the video where he was conversing with Elvis during the spoken part of "Are You Lonesome Tonight" which was playing in the background.

Elvis: You seemed to change and you acted strange
Mike: I did???

Funny stuff!

CHSC aired everything in a still-motion format which was apparently required to be exempt from licensing from the CRTC. I clearly remember one specific instance where they broke the rules and aired live video for the sole purpose of showing Mike Banks' bald spot.

For this entry, I went through the hours of recorded CHSC broadcasting that I have, and brought you the most interesting clips I could find. These range from Mike Banks doing his typical goofy stuff to technology that's vastly overpriced and outdated, at least by today's standards. I didn't do any fancy editing on here because there's absolutely no point in doing so.

Enjoy!


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Winnipeg Radio in 1971



This was supposed to be a blog entry consisting of a small pile of reel to reel tapes that have been sitting in my in-queue box for a few years. Much of it was just recorded music from records which is the boring stuff I usually find. However, I came across a really interesting gem...



This particular tape consists entirely of someone recording "The Top 300 Songs Of All Time"... in 1971. For those unfamiliar with reel to reel tapes, many recorders have three speed settings. The slower you record, the lower the quality, but the more time you get out of a tape. You can get upwards of 4 hours (in stereo) on a single side. If you record in mono on a single track, you can get 16 hours out of a single tape. Cassettes sure as hell weren't able to do that! (As a side note, I have entire recordings of Scruff Connors' radio shows in the mid-90s that I've been meaning to digitize and upload for your enjoyment)

So there's a shit ton of music to be had on this tape. It's all that you would expect from a top 300 list in 1971. However, the commercial breaks are the point of interest on this tape. To put things in perspective, Stairway to Heaven wasn't yet released, the Metric System was still a long way off, and it was a challenge to stick $10 worth of gas in your car.

The radio station was CFRW in Winnipeg, which is currently an all-sports broadcasting station. Back in the 1980s, it was a music station known as 1290 Fox (I have some clips from this period on cassette). But let's take you back to Winnipeg (and the rest of the world) in August of 1971. Unfortunately, the exact date is never given. The thing that boggles me about this recording is they keep on referring to the time as "Ocean time". What the hell is Ocean time? A sunken clock?

I've posted each clip individually with descriptions of what's in each audio clip. I didn't edit them because I'm too lazy to edit 35 audio files. I've also posted some additional explanation and history behind the things in each audio clip. A lot of it has to do with Winnipeg and Canadian history, but some of it also gives a glimpse of what the world was like back then. The ads get a bit repetitive after a while. In my opinion, the crowning jewel of the entire tape was Johnny Cash singing about Pepsi Cola which is extremely rare and hard to find these days.

If you want to go directly to the 15 minute news break, it's here (also on Side B, Break 12)

If you want to download the entire collection, here's the link.

===========================================

Side A - Break 01
Bobby Bloom for Pepsi Cola / Youth Beat / Ocean In Concert

- Bobby Bloom Sings about Pepsi Cola. He wasn't able to drink it for much longer since he would die three years later.
- The Youth Beat report shows that for the past 40 years, everybody has been wanting to legalize marijuana. Some things don't change. The "Information Canada Bookstore" located at 499 Portage Avenue is now the home of the Winnipeg Parking Authority.
- Ocean was a Canadian Christian band who were a one-hit-wonder with "Put Your Hand In The Hand". The ad tells you how to win dinner with the band at The Old Spaghetti Factory which still exists, albeit at a different location than in 1971.

Side A - Break 02
Polo Park Shopping Mall / Penman's Pep Cats socks / Winnipeg Tribune contest

- Polo Park is still there, Zellers is not.
- You'll get incredibly sick of the sock commercial if you listen to all these clips
- The Winnipeg Tribune newspaper was killed off in 1980

Side A - Break 03
Eaton's Back To School Sale & Disney World contest / Freezie Contest / Weather

- Eaton's went bankrupt in 1999.
- Disney World was as-of-yet not opened, and didn't open until October 1, 1971.
- Freezie appears to be a store-brand slush drink (The 7-11 Slurpee arrived in 1967 and slowly gained dominance)
- The song in the Freezie contest is "The Barbara Polka" by Eddie Osborn
- The Cottonwood Village Mall is gone, and I have no clue where it was.
- There is one Burger Bar in Winnipeg, but it's not located in a mall.
- Temperature was given in Farenheit as Canada didn't adopt the centigrade measurement system until 4 years later in 1975.
- Winnipeg's 24 hour emergency number now belongs to a company called "Prima Ventures"

Side A - Break 04
Red River Community College Trade Improvement Course / Hair The Musical / Penman's Pep Cats

- Red River Community College still exists
- Winnipeg Centennial Concert Hall still exists
- Hair The Musical debuted in 1968.
- The songs on the Hair musical commercial are "Hair" by The Cowsills, "Aquarius / Let The Sunshine In" by The Fifth Dimension

Side A - Break 05
Wright's Carpet / Penman's Pep Cats

- Wright's Carpet no longer exists. 1851 Portage currently belongs to Sublime Hair Design
- The song on the Wright's Carpet commercial is "No Matter What Shape (Your Stomach's In) by The Ventures
- Northgate Shopping Center still exists (but it really sucks)

Side A - Break 06
Why the hell is this even here? Sure, blame me!!!

Side A - Break 07
Johnny Cash for Pepsi Cola / Tri-Cum / Wright's Carpet / Weather

- The Johnny Cash commercial was recorded in 1970. Johnny enjoyed Pepsi for 32 more years before passing in 2003.
- Tri-Cum (what a stupid name) and 1133 Bird's Hill Road no longer exist.
- 447 Webb Place became the William and Catherine Booth College in 1987
- The YWCA moved down the street to 290 Vaughan St.

Side A - Break 08
The Mamas & The Papas Pending Release / Penman's Fucking Pep Cats again / Floating Ecstasy Waterbeds / Eaton's Back To School /

- The Mamas & The Papas album that was pending release was "People Like Us" which was recorded to fulfil contractual obligations to avoid being sued by the record company. The album was a flop. Mama Cass would die 3 years later from heart failure.
- Floating Ecstasy Waterbeds were made in Winnipeg at 127 Osborne Street which is now a large multi-business building belonging to Wasabi Sushi, La Luna Soul Spa, and Billabong.

Side A - Break 09
Ocean In Concert / Holy shit! It's Penman's Pep Cats! / Red Cross anti-drowning PSA / 

Side A - Break 10
John Wayne in "Big Jake" / Wright's Carpet

- John Wayne died 8 years later in 1979
- The Metropolitan Theatre still exists. It's gorgeous!
- There are no more Winnipeg Drive-In Theatres in existence. Hard to believe there were 3 in 1971!

Side A - Break 11
Freezie Contest / OMG! Penman's Pep Cats! / Ronnie Dyson for Pepsi Cola

- Ronnie Dyson enjoyed Pepsi for 19 more years until his death in 1990

Side A - Break 12
Eaton's Back To School Sale with Charles P. Rodney Chandler / Department of Transportation Changes to Vehicle Registration / Winnipeg Tribune Contest

- Charles P. Rodney Chandler was fairly well-known in radio. He ended his radio career in Edmonton and he apparently moved to Spain. His show is on side 2. Probably deceased by now.

Side A - Break 13
All Elvis's Hits in One Record Collection / Eaton's back to school sale / Chevrolet Year End Savings / Wilson's Back To School Sale / Weather

- I have no fucking clue what that Elvis record collection is since no title is given. There's no notable box set nor compilation from 1971.
- The Chevrolet Caprice was produced until 1996
- The Chevrolet Impala keeps getting re-introduced and is currently being produced
- The Chevrolet Bel Air was produced until 1980
- The Chevrolet Biscayne was produced until 1972
- Wilson's still exists as "Wilson's Business Solutions"
- The song playing on the Wilson's commercial is "Who'll Stop The Rain / Bad Moon Rising" by The Ventures.
- 240 Portage is currently available for lease
- 3279 Portage is now Parkhill Shopping Center


Side A - Break 14
Eaton's Back To School Sale with Charles P. Rodney Chandler / Penman's Pep Cats (in case you missed it) / Duracell

- 7-up is an "uncola" because it used lemon & lime as flavouring

Side A - Break 15
Wrigley's Spearmint Gum / Swabys Jeans / Bruce Cockburn - High Winds, White Sky / 

- Swabys jeans were very popular in the 1970s
- "High Winds, White Sky" was Bruce Cockburn's second album. He wouldn't have a major hit until 8 years later with "Wondering Where The Lions Are".

Side A - Break 16
Eaton's Back To School Sale with Charles P. Rodney Chandler / Oldsmobile Cutlass / 

- The Oldsmobile Cutlass was produced from 1961 to 1999

Side A - Break 17
Wrigley's Spearmint Gum / Penman's Pep Cats (again) / TK's Clothing

===========================================

Side B - Break 01
Penman's Pep Cats (back for side 2!) / Ocean in Concert / Polo Park Back To School Sale

Side B - Break 02
TK's Clothing / Department of Transportation Changes to Vehicle Registration / 007 & A Man With No Name / Dairy Queen / 

- Thunderball was released in 1965
- You Only Live Twice was released in 1967
- A Fistful of Dollars was released in 1964
- For A Few Dollars More was released in 1965
- Music playing during the 007 & Man With No Name commercial is "James Bond Theme" by Monty Norman, "For a Few Dollars More" by Hugo Montenegro
- "Chad Allen & The Expressions" was the name originally used by the band "The Guess Who". Burton Cummings sang occasionally.

Side B - Break 03
Chevrolet Vega / Eaton's Back To School Sale / Floating Ecstasy Waterbeds / 

- The Chevrolet Vega was produced from 1970-1977

Side B - Break 04
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Eaton's Back To School Sale / 

- National Pride Car Wash appears to have gone tits up in the late 1980s
- There is an Esso gas station currently located at 390 Dawson Road - the car wash is still intact
- J.J. Jeffrey sounds like a fucking asshole

Side B - Break 05
The Ides of March for Pepsi Cola / Gambles Back To School Fashion Show / Big Jake / 

- The Ides of March are still playing, albeit with a modified lineup since a few members have died

Side B - Break 06
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Swaby's Clothing / Penman's Pep Cats (wooo!)

Side B - Break 07
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Promise at Dawn / TK's Clothing

- Promise at Dawn (the movie) was released in 1970. It got bad reviews.

Side B - Break 08
Wright's Carpet / Hair The Musical / Eaton's Back To School Sale

Side B - Break 09
7-Up / Weather

- When was the last time you heard "His Girl" by The Guess Who? It was a single-only release in 1967. I have it on the "Super Golden Goodies" compilation, released in 1969

Side B - Break 10
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Penman's Pep Cats (we missed you!) / TK's Clothing

Side B - Break 11
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Ocean In Concert / Black Sheep

- 501 Portage is currently the home of a Booster Juice

Side B - Break 12
Dairy Queen / News Break / Bruce Cockburn - High Winds, White Sky / Eaton's Back To School / Sports / Penman's Pep Cats (you saw that one coming) / Weather

- Pierre Trudeau was Canada's Prime Minister from 1968-1979. He died in the year 2000.
- Richard Nixon was President of the United States from 1969-1974. He died in the year 1994.
- Kingston Penitentiary operated from 1835-2013.
- Millhaven Penitentiary opened prematurely in 1971 due to the riots, and was intended to replace Kingston Penitentiary.
- The law prohibiting abortions was overturned by the Supreme Court in the late 1980s
- Broadcasting the names of accident victims today would violate The Manitoba Privacy Act
- The Surgeon General's Report on Smoking and Health was published in 1964 which identified smoking as a cause of lung cancer
- Pipe tobacco has an equal amount of risk as smoking cigarettes.
- Cigars have been identified as MORE harmful than cigarettes.
- You're on your own for the sports report. I hate sports.

Side B - Break 13
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Freezie Contest / Sweet Baby Charlie & Maniacs on Wheels

- The 1963 movie "Sweet Baby Charlie" is also known as "The Sadist"
- The 1949 movie "Maniacs on Wheels" is also known as "Once A Jolly Swagman"

Side B - Break 14
Dairy Queen / Promise at Dawn / Swaby's Clothing / Weather

Side B - Break 15
Roberta Flack for Pepsi Cola / 007 & The Man With No Name / 

- Roberta Flack is still drinking Pepsi as of this writing

Side B - Break 16
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Penman's Pep Cats (one more time!) / Freezie Contest

Side B - Break 17
TK's Clothing / Wrigley's Spearmint Gum / Big Jake

Side B - Break 18
National Pride Car Wash with J.J. Jeffrey / Winnipeg Tribune Contest / Wright's Carpets

And we wrap up this blog entry with "Lucky Man" by Emerson, Lake & Palmer. What a miserable note to end on.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Finest Entertainment in Music Videos

I've got a couple more videos for you. First of all, I need to apologize to the people viewing the site on their mobile devices. I've started using an alternative to Youtube because I'm fucking sick of getting my videos taken down. I've been using JWPlayer, but apparently the videos aren't working on mobile devices. I've tried to remedy this issue with no success thus far. Please phone Steve Jobs and complain. While you're at it, phone Youtube and complain too.

For those on desktops, you should continue to have no problems with the videos. Anyway, let's get started...


Tribal Trails Christian Band

I recorded this off the local religious channel. Boy do these people go overboard with their singing and their facial expressions. They've been so overstuffed with Holy Spirit that it looks like they're all taking a dump. As a side note, I was rewinding a video tape while recording this, and the word "STOP" couldn't have splashed across the screen at a better time.

Enjoy!




Asian Michael Jackson Impersonators

I recorded this off the satellite dish. All I have to say about this one is these kids are AWESOME! Anyone who can pull off Michael Jackson's dance moves gets a huge thumbs up from me.



I'm in the process of putting yet another high school video project on the internet for your viewing pleasure. Due to no copyright, it shall be on youtube for all to see. Please stand by for teenage hormoney awesomeness....

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Crap Rap Albums

I haven't featured a lot of rap music on here, so it's time to blow the dust off these three albums and give them a whirl. Before you click on the little x in the corner of your browser, I should let you know that all this rap music is older than "Ice Ice Baby", so it's a bit more tolerable than the junk that came out in the mid-to-late 90s (and later). You guys are getting lots of album content here, so crank it up! Your neighbours might call the cops on you for blasting such shitty music though. At least rock n' roll ain't noise pollution (more on that later)...


Chunky A - Large and In Charge



I remember seeing this cassette in the cut-out bin for 99 cents at Woolco back in the early 90s, and something was quite odd about it. There were two different covers for this album. Why? Neither of them appeared to be controversial. I had picked up a copy many times, but always put it back in favor of something better. It just looked kinda shitty. Two years ago, I bought it for the exact same price, albeit used. I was also right to judge it by it's cover... It's pretty lousy.

This is a gray area album since it was released on MCA records. The only reason it was released on a big name label is because the rapper is Arsenio Hall wearing a fat suit. Remember Arsenio Hall? The "woof woof woof" guy? No? How about the movie "Amazon Women On The Moon"? No? Go download it. I highly recommend it. He does a small skit where he falls out a window and lands on the pavement. The entire movie is worth that scene alone. I should throw this fucking album out the window.

It's supposed to be a comedy rap album, but Arsenio should've left that for the guys who had GOOD MUSIC to go along with it, like DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. I have no idea why Arsenio needed a fat suit to put out a comedy album. Shaquille O'Neal didn't need a fat suit, and his album "Shaq Diesel" is a goddam joke.

Arsenio does a parody of the Fine Young Cannibals song "She Drives Me Crazy" which I'm featuring here. Personally, I think the parody Weird Al did in the same year (She Drives Like Crazy) is more humorous than this lousy attempt at humour. Don't quit your day job, Arsenio. Oh wait, you don't have one, let alone a career.

Listen to Ho Is Lazy


Rap's Top 40




Wow. That's some pretty shitty artwork right there.

When you narrow your list of rap songs down to the top 40, you're gonna get a bunch of songs that nobody remembers. How about "Keep On Running" by Milli Vanilli? Do you know why nobody remembers that one? Because it was on Milli Vanilli's second album which was credited to "The Real Milli Vanilli" which eliminated the lip syncers Rob & Fab. Ever see a copy of it? No? That's because nobody bought it.

We have a pretty cool white guy on here doing "U Can't Touch This". The only reason he's cool is because he gets one of the lines wrong and deliberately inserts a bad word. Although the lyric really isn't "let me bust these fuckin' lyrics", it's certain to bring a smile to your face. He also takes a shot at the MC Hammer song "Pray" which is absolutely hilarious because he sounds like he's having way too much fun with it. Some (not all) of the lyrics are printed on the inlay in case you want to follow along... at least for some of the song.

There are other stinkers on here (including the original versions) such as "It's On You" by MC Sar & The Real McCoy. Why didn't they tackle "Another Night" which everybody knows? This song isn't even on the same album as "Another Night" (I know this because I own the damn thing - don't ask why).

We also have "C'mon And Get My Love" by D-Mob featuring "Cathy Deniss". At least they didn't tarnish Cathy Dennis's name (I have a cheap imitation version of "Touch Me All Night Long" elsewhere which accomplishes the job adequately). If they would have put D-Mob's "We Call It Acieed" on here, this album would have sold extremely well regardless of how poorly they pulled it off.

Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart" gets the full "we fucking hate Deee-Lite" treatment, although it sounds like they stole the real intro and used it. It's also not technically a rap song, so I don't know what it's doing on here.

This CD says it was copyrighted in 1987, but how can you copyright something that didn't exist at the time? All these songs are from 1989 and later, so I think 'Countdown Music' likes to make up copyrights just for fun.

Listen to U Can't Touch This
Listen to Pray
Listen to Groove Is In The Heart


Hip Hop Tribute To AC/DC



Now just look at that title. Does that sound like a good idea? Who's the fucking dipshit who came up with this plan? (Answer: Brian Bart). Who's the fucking dipshit who managed to release it? (Answer: www.tributesounds.com --- no longer in existence --- gee, I wonder why?) I love the anti-piracy warning on the back of the CD. Yeah, like I'm gonna pay attention to that. Tributesounds.com sure as hell didn't. Also, these aren't mash-ups, so the album cover is a lying bastard.

The songs all start off okay, and then the proverbial toilet flushes, gets clogged, and you quickly find your bathroom all covered in shit and streaked-up toilet paper wads. Everything about this album is wrong. Some of these guys sound like Bob Marley wannabes. Pee Wee Dread is one of the rappers on here, and probably whacks off to these recordings nightly in his playhouse since it WAS the highlight of his career.

Who originally bought this CD? That's the question that gets me every time. Are people really this stupid? It HAD to come new from SOMEWHERE, and somebody DID pay full price for it.

Prepare to cry yourself into a puddle:

Listen to You Shook Me All Night Long
Listen to For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)
Listen to Thunderstruck

If you want a copy of this piece of shit, you can get a used one off Amazon for a couple of bucks. Don't buy a new copy, because it's currently priced at $69.98. I'd love to meet the guy who pays that much PLUS SHIPPING for this turd.

And I'm done for this round! I'll bet you guys had no clue I knew so much about rap music. The reason why is because I'm just a regular gangsta trying to bust some dope blog entries down in da hood. Until next time, word to granny's panties.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Bad Foreign Singers 2015

You guys must be feeling lucky! Three posts in one week! Where's my fan mail???

Every time I see something interesting, bizarre, or just plain terrible while channel surfing on the dish, I feel destined to hit the record button. One thing I've learned while watching foreign television is that everybody who doesn't sing in English cannot sing. Also, everybody who's Asian sings karaoke during every minute they're awake, whether they're selling herbal supplements or selling a karaoke machine. THEY HAVE TO SING. I can only guess that mandatory singing is a by-law in their cities.


Friday, July 31, 2015

Album Review: Petite Sings (For You)



I've been looking for another (playable) copy of this album for YEARS. I owned it when I was a child. This is the fourth album I own by Uncle Bob, Archie Wood and company. The others are Doggie In The Window, Funtown, and the Christmas album. Uncle Bob and his array of puppets had a live children's TV show here in Winnipeg. I watched the tail end of the series in the early 1980s. As a child, I snapped up this album and Funtown at the neighbour's garage sale and played the shit out of them. Over the years, they eventually got pretty beat up and were slated to the garbage after they became unplayable.

As with the Funtown album, the songs sung by Petite are actually the original records played at 45 RPM with dialogue inbetween songs. Marvin Mouse has been put aside for most of this album and he's pretty pissed off about it. However, he gets to sing one song (Little White Duck by Burl Ives) just to cheer him up a bit. Also featured is the spiffy moog version of the TV theme song to open and close the album. This album revisits the song "Put Your Hand in the Hand" but has the Loretta Lynn version as opposed to the version on Funtown which I believe was the Anne Murray version.

I slowed down the recording and tried to identify the artists. It appears that Uncle Bob was pretty crazy about Lynn Anderson and Loretta Lynn this time around. Yee-haw! There were quite a few that I wasn't successful identifying and I don't think we'll ever know who did them unless I get my grubby mitts on Bob Swartz's record collection (which will likely never happen because he's been dead for 20 years).

Side A:

Archie Wood & Friends Theme
The Safety Song - Archie Wood & Friends
Rose Garden - Lynn Anderson
Paper Tiger - Sue Thompson
Fun In Fall - unknown
There's A Kind Of Hush - unknown

Side B:

Snowbird - Lynn Anderson
These Boots Are Made For Walkin' - unknown
Put Your Hand In The Hand - Loretta Lynn
Little White Duck - Burl Ives
Me & Bobby McGee - Loretta Lynn

Listen to Snowbird
Listen to Teacher's Pet

The interesting thing about this album is it was put out by Pickwick whom we all know was another shit label for shit artists. Well, I guess I can thank them for some pretty good childhood memories in this case. There's absolutely no indication what year this album came out, but I'm guessing it was somewhere around 1980.

As far as I know, the only Uncle Bob / Archie Wood album I'm missing is "FUNTOWN: Favourite 20 Selections" which was released on K-Tel records. I've never seen it in person. WFMU posted Archie Wood's rendition of "Snowbird" here and Tammy True's version of "All My Loving" here.

And just because I'm on a Winnipeg nostalgia kick, here's a flashback from Bundy's Late Night review with an ad promoting a shitty Beavers movie at the Imax theater (which is now gone)



Until next time, always think safety! Here on CGE-TV!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

You're a Cheap Imitation, Charlie Brown

First of all, we're going to get this entry started right. Back in 1985, the animated Peanuts special "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown" aired on television. I anticipated this Peanuts special because I loved each and every one of them. I had my tape recorder all set up to record the audio... For you see, my family did not get a VCR until 1987. My parents were extremely content to remain in the dark ages when it came to technology, so I suffered until the price of VCRs became lower than $200. Before we got our VCR, I recorded the audio onto cassettes and re-imagined the video whenever I listened to it.

So here's the cassette, straight out of 1985:



This was actually one of those cheap "3-in-a-bag" cassettes you could buy anywhere (this was most likely a Woolco or K-Mart cassette). The original label had fallen off, so I replaced it with a Radio Shack one. Radio shack used to sell packs of self-adhesive cassette labels like the one you see here.

Now, I could have been a really nice guy and pulled the audio off the clear VHS copy I have of the special, but because I'm so keen on nostalgia, I pulled it off the cassette instead so you could hear all the dropouts, tape hiss, tape rumble, and background noise in all it's glory. Now quit complaining about how awful your iPhone sounds while watching Youtube.

I've brought you the first two songs and left them glued together; "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" and "Schroeder".

Listen to them!

We should do a history lesson on this Peanuts special... These songs were originally a series of recordings made by some Charles M Schultz wannabe in 1966. They weren't ever planned to be in a Peanuts special, they were just INSPIRED by the comic strip. Eventually, these songs mutated into a musical, and finally became the definitive TV special in 1985 with the actual animated Peanuts gang.

And then, I go to the thrift store and find pieces of shit like these...


The "Bugs" Bower Boys & Girls - You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown



This came out on the Mr. Pickwick label in 1974. If you know anything about Pickwick, then I feel sorry for you because you've likely been duped out of your money by them.

Let's see what's wrong... Well first of all, Charlie Brown has hair. Second, the record boasts that "Happiness is a Peanuts album". This is NOT a Peanuts album, therefore happiness cannot exist. Third, the label is about to fall off the center of the record. Mr. Pickwick's nickname is "Mr. I Ran Out Of Glue Because I Sniffed It All Before I Recorded These Songs". Fourth, according to the label that's about to fall off, the name of the album is "Happiness is a Peanuts Album". Fifth, the back of the album encourages you to cut out the images of the cheap imitation Peanuts gang to make a "theatre", leaving your Mr. Pickwick record homeless:



The woman singing "Schroeder" is awful. Her singing is not only annoying but also off key. Schroeder should have taken her head and repeatedly bash it against the piano keys. Now THAT would have been beautiful music!

Listen to Schroeder


Snoopy's Gang presents A Time To Remember



Most of you will never get to experience the joy of scraping a streak of dry paint off a vinyl record to make it playable. I pity you.

Since this record has a picture of Snoopy on it, it MUST be an official Peanuts release, right? It also has some Paul Simon lyrics on the cover, so this must be a Simon & Snoopy album, right? WRONG.

This record was made by the Bertrun E. Glavin Elementary School in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and was released in 1980. The lyrics on the cover are from "Song For The Asking" and they've been altered. Paul Simon should sue the school and use the money to buy Edie Brickell a nice steak to cover her next black eye.

Due to the fair amount of religious songs (along with the lack of "Song For The Asking"), I figured it came from a Christian school. After looking at their website, I realized it is not (or is no longer) a Christian school, but then again schools happily pushed religious agenda on students up until the late 1980s.

If you've ever attended a school "Christmas" concert, you'll know what a group of children sound like singing, and that's all this record is. Most of it is played by a competent music teacher on the piano (most likely named Andrea Hammond). However, we're interested in the ONLY Snoopy-related song on here which is "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown", that is unless you consider "De Virgin Mary" to be Snoopy-related as well.

The song "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" is held together by the piano player. The children in the choir are all better than the losers on the Pickwick record. However the drummer is off in another city, playing in a drunken parade.

Listen to "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"


Snoopy Gets Promoted to Sargent

I shit you not, I recorded this video off the Pentagon channel around Christmas time. According to the host, this isn't just a person in a Snoopy costume, it's REALLY REALLY Snoopy. The United States is gonna be pretty fucked if a terrorist comes through airline security in a Snoopy costume.

And those albums I just reviewed? They're not a bunch of hacks making money off the Charlie Brown & Snoopy names. They're both genuine Peanuts releases!

So here's the video of Snoopy getting promoted from Corporal to Sergeant:



And that's it for this round. I desperately need to post more videos because I'm severely backlogged not only with video tapes, but with garbage I recorded off the dish. I'm going to try to assemble some compilations of clips and toss them on Youtube. Stay tuned!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Poets, Mere Darling, and Moon Tears (boo hoo)

You guys must really hate Summer, since I'm usually a bit too busy around this time to make entries. I never forget about this place though, because I'm constantly reminded of it while picking through the CDs, tapes and records at garage sales every weekend. All it took was finding one CD to spark the beginning of this entry, and the rest was made up of tapes that have been floating around the queue box for years.


The Poets - Rock n Roll For The Students Soul



To be fair, this isn't Rock n' Roll. It's pretty mellow acoustic stuff. However, I have to say I actually like the singer's voice.

This cassette is an interesting piece of work even without the music. First of all, it's obvious the cover was done by someone extremely talented and well-verse in Microsoft Paint.

Second, the cassette came with a postage-paid envelope and a little survey for you to fill out. It's tempting to fill out the survey, add the needed postage, and toss it into the mailbox just to see what happens.




Third, it's apparent that there are two different demo tapes (I have Tape B) as well as a full-length album. I haven't seen either yet, but perhaps mountains of Poets albums shall come raining down on me like the discographies of Arnie, Teo Mance, and Kevin Harcourt.

It's all very nicely packaged, but the only song I was really fond of was "The Ex Is Over". However, I've included the song "Cold + Alone" because there's a really weird noise that keeps showing up in it. Remember when you played Space Invaders and that space ship flew across the top of the screen for you to shoot for bonus points? That fucker keeps showing up in this song for no reason and nobody shoots him.

Listen to Cold + Alone


Mere Darling - Rarotonga Waits For Me



This cassette apparently came from New Zealand. It's nice to know that Canada isn't the only source of shitty recording artists.

A nicer name for this album would have been "Rigatoni Waits for Me", as this album is suitable to toss with the leftover Rigatoni that went mouldy in the fridge. Mere brings you tropical and reggae covers of well-known hits along with other songs with titles that I can't read or pronounce. With regards to the well-known songs, Mere decided to ruin Lulu's "To Sir With Love", The Pointer Sisters' "So Excited", Olivia Newton John's "Let Me Be There", and Celine Dion's "The Power of Love". Celine Dion is terrible to begin with, so I can't understand why somebody would want to make it worse. To Sir With Love is nearly unrecognisable, so that was my top pick for your listening displeasure.

Listen to To Sir With Love


Moon Tears - Demo Tracks / Next Tour Earth



And this is what sparked the entry. It looks like I have two albums by these guys, but the cassette (which I found years ago) is just a very chopped down version of the CD (which I found a few days ago). To be fair, I kinda like the cover on the CD. To also be fair, these guys are terrible mainly due to the awful mixing and production job which was done at "Moon Tears Studios".

The entire album sounds like it's muddled in shit sitting at the bottom of a deeply-dug outhouse. I can't understand the singer because he's so drowned in watery reverb, and the drummer sounds like it was programmed.

I chose the song "Thrity-One" which is universally terrible. Somebody had to pause the tape recorder after recording the acoustic intro because the drummer's installation of Microsoft Windows had crashed. Things fall in and out of sync consistently throughout the song. This album could be compared to Boston's "Don't Look Back" album played by a bunch of untalented twelve year olds at the bottom of a well. As for the title of the song, I don't know what "thrity" means. Is it somebody's name? Shouldn't it be "Thrity Won"? Is it a speech impediment? "That boy is thriddy-one making arse-fart ditties, and ain't got no real gum dang job!"

But Who fucking cares, the song sucks.

At the end of the song, we are treated to a huge epic "what-the-fuck-just-happened-with-production" moment from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Nevertheless, I guarantee you that I won't be recording at "Moon Tears Studio" ever in my lifetime.

Listen to Thrity-One

So here I wrap up another entry in bacon and promise you that there's always more terrible stuff coming your way. But it is summer, and that means I'm not rotting away in the dungeon looking for bad music and video to entertain the audience of the internet. My body craves a tan greater than that given by the light of my computer screen.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Audio Pack-Ins

It's rainy and cold outside, so what better time than now to entertain you with some oddball stuff! This round, I'm focusing on that 'gray area' again, but with the not-so-mainstream releases. Qualifying this stuff as "releases" is even a bit of a stretch, because these recordings came packed in with another product. These were made during a time when the world was a great place to live in, and you actually got excited about the bonuses that came with the piece of junk that you purchased.

I've covered a couple of these items before such as the Bunny Boppers 45 RPM record which (from what I heard from multiple sources) came with a chocolate Easter bunny, and the 45 RPM record which came with your Ken doll. The Bunny Boppers song was fun, but the Ken record leaves little hope for decent future Barbie-related music. There may be a bit of nostalgia for you here, so enjoy it while it lasts because I'll be back to posting annoying crap after this entry...


Bobby Sherman Cereal Box Records



What's odd is that I have two of these, and I'm pretty sure I bought them at separate locations. If you asked me to name one of Bobby Sherman's hit songs, I'd probably answer something like "Ummm.... Bobby Shit what???" The only thing Bobby Sherman was good at was making young girls squeal with delight with his semi-unbuttoned shirt. Other than that, I have no idea what his appeal was. However, these records contributed to many women getting fat, because this record came packed-in with boxes of Sugar Crisp. Thanks alot, Bobby!



Calling these things "records" is an overstatement. It's just laminated cardboard with mildly audiable record grooves etched into it. If you ever wanted to know what cardboard sounds like on your turntable, you need not look any further than Classical Gas Emissions. The same goes for hard drive platters, transparency sheets, blister pack plastic, and CDs.

These Bobby Sherman songs were released commercially, although these may be edited down recordings. But free music is free, so you have no right to bitch! I also have no desire to listen to any of his official releases to verify my assumptions that these are edited. His music falls under the category of "70s wimpy mushy baby poo music".

Listen to I Think I'm Gonna Be Alright
Listen to Waiting At The Bus Stop


Jem "Jetta" cassette



Jem was an animated show in the mid-to-late 1980s about fictional girl bands. The show's audience was intended to be young girls, however, the show occasionally mis-fired and sent their shots at questionably straight men who may or may not have homosexual tenancies. I had one such friend who fanatically recorded Jem songs from the television show. Later in life, all my other friends thought he was a fag.

This cassette came with the Jetta doll. Jetta was one of the characters in the show. Most of the dolls came with a cassette featuring songs that they sang. In other words, if you bought enough Jem dolls and collected enough cassettes, you'd be able to have a Woodstock doll party! Too bad Glenn Danzig wasn't invited to help make The Misfits cool again.

Songs from the Jem series consisted of generally awful 80s tripe, and the songs usually clocked in around one minute. The B-side of the cassettes had instrumental versions of the A-side, so you can dance around your bedroom in your panties, sing into your hairbrush, and be a Jem girl yourself!

Listen to the songs:

Jem Theme
Who Is She Anyway?
Designing Women
Jem Theme (instrumental)
Who Is She Anyway? (instrumental)
Designing Women (instrumental)


Alf "Melmac Rock" Burger King Record



And now, we (finally) have something for the boys!

Alf was an alien (read: puppet) who came from the planet Melmac (read: some Chinese slave labour company who makes puppets), crashed his spaceship into the Tanner's family garage (read: idea for a great sitcom) and craves to eat cats (read: influenced by the diet of the Chinese slaves who made the puppet)



This record came with an "Alf Activity Pack" that I purchased from Burger King in the late 1980s. I believe they sold for four or five bucks. They came with stickers, puzzles, and the item that was the ultimate prize: the record. We are again presented with a laminated piece of cardboard. At least the Jem cassettes had the potential of giving better quality. In the United States, the records came with puppets as opposed to activity packs.

There were four records in the series: Take Me Alf To The Ballgame, Cookin' With Alf, Melmac Rock, and Melmac Girls. Although I had the first three, two of them have disappeared in the last 25 years. The best one of the bunch was "Cookin With Alf" which I unfortunately no longer have. If you listen to these, you'll notice that Alf kind of just talks through the songs as opposed to actually singing them. That's because Paul Fusco (who is the voice of Alf) can't fucking sing, and never intended to be a rock and roll star. However, money from merchandising can easily change anybody's mind.

The song is pretty terrible...

Listen to Melmac Rock

Alf was eventually turned into a Saturday morning cartoon. Unlike the Jem theme song, the animated Alf theme song has aged gracefully and in my opinion should be nominated for an award as one of the greatest theme songs recorded in the 1980s. To prove my point, I dug through my personal cassette collection and found a copy of the theme song I recorded directly from television in 1990. The reason I did this is because the DVD releases only include the pilot's error-ridden version which sucks ass.

Listen to the animated Alf theme song

There's a lot of other things that could have qualified for this entry, but I decided to focus mainly on the stuff that was aimed toward kids, which also explains why a lot of this stuff is hard to find. Think about it, when you're a kid, are you concerned about keeping things in good shape so you can enjoy a nice round of nostalgia in your 30s? HELL NO. Records turn into frisbees, cassettes get recorded over with gangsta rap, and toys get stepped on and thrown into the trash by your parents.

We'll be back with more blog fodder after these messages!