Thursday, December 21, 2017

Merry Christmas from St. Amant!

We here at Classical Gas Emissions want to wish you the most joyous of holidays. We strive to bring you only the highest quality music for your festive gatherings. That's why we're excited to bring you this wonderful recording from the beautiful voices of St. Amant.

For those of you who don't know what St. Amant is, here is a quote from their website:

St. Amant is a comprehensive resource for Manitobans with developmental disabilities and autism.

We are certain that you and your family will enjoy this Christmas album for years to come. For those who would just prefer a couple of songs, we have chosen two beautiful Christmas songs for your enjoyment, and hope that you will consider hearing the rest of the album. We are certain it will become a treasured collection of classics during the holidays.

We here at Classical Gas Emissions wish you a Merry Christmas, a blessed Christmas, and most of all a happy Christmas. We also wish you and your family the gift of health and prosperity in the new year.

Listen to Silent Night
Listen to Angels We Have Heard on High

Listen to the whole tape!

Monday, December 18, 2017

A CGE All-Star Christmas!

Today, we're going to re-visit some ghosts of past for our first Christmas entry of the year. We "fondly" "enjoyed" these artists in the past, and they have some Christmas albums to offer up for the fireplace. So let's get all jolly and then I'll fuck that shit up for you...

Tupperkids - A Tip Top Tupper Christmas

See their first appearance here.

We have the plastic storage children back for a cassette full of traditional Christmas songs! Well, all except for the first song which is the title track. The song is basically about the tape you're listening to. It's completely pointless, and it stands absolutely no chance of becoming a traditional favorite. But then again, I never expected that shitty Paul McCartney song to become a favorite either, and now I hear it everywhere. Fuck you Paul for stealing the spotlight from the Tupperkids!

Listen to A Tip Top Tupper Christmas

George & Barbara Staerkel - A Holiday Gift of Music

See George's first appearance here.

It looks like George Staerkel got himself a spiffy new cowboy hat for Christmas! He was so fucking happy about it that he became incredibly inspired to record an album full of Christmas songs. His wife probably asks him to wear it to bed. Ride that cowboy!

So George's Christmas album is mixed better than his greatest hits album, but much of the instrumentation is the same fake bullshit as last time. However, the exception is the Christmas medley where George plays a different instrument on each song. The back of the album brags that there are 18 different instruments in the medley. Too bad none of them are guitars or drums. Instead, you get woodwinds and brass instruments. Yay.

George sings even higher on this album than the last one. Barbara can't even sing that high, probably because she doesn't own a pair of balls to squeeze.

I honestly don't know how the hell I ended up with two of George's albums. The guy lives in Arizona, and here I am freezing my balls off in Canada.

Listen to Santa Carina

Eddie Coffey - Merry Christmas Darling

Those who have read Classical Gas Emissions for a few years are probably saying, "Who the fuck is this guy? I've never seen him on the blog!" Well, Eddie is going to be our new star! I have four (or so) of his albums, and they're all just waiting to delight your ears with... ummm... Eddie squeezing his accordion. He loves to squeeze his accordion.

There's so much to enjoy here... Eddie's Krusty the Clown hair, his truck driver glasses, his shitty song lyrics, and I'm sure I'll have more to comment on once I get to the other albums. On the plus side, Eddie can sing.

Eddie wrote his own crappy songs on here such as "Merry Christmas Darling", "Mrs. Mooney's Christmas Turkey", and "Old Christmas Waltz". These songs are lyrically at a 4th grade level. The kids will love him! They will love his fuzzy hair too!

So hold me my darling, and listen to this piece of crap.

Listen to Old Christmas Waltz

We have some foil-wrapped turds in the next entry, but you'll just have to wait until I get them up. Your Christmas shall be ruined yet!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Portage La Prairie

This was the last, and one of the most uninteresting stops on the Junq Tour. I'm willing to bet that the best stuff in Portage La Prairie Thrift Store gets filtered out, leaving me with bland and uninteresting junk. However, I came out with a few things...

Corinna Kruger - Yodel of the Alps

Look at the lovely German girl with the German name in her German clothing playing a Japanese guitar. Those socks are fucking sexy.

Corinna is our second yodeling act from this Junq Tour, but she can yodel in German! She also wrote every single song on this tape, including "Die Zither". I have to ask, what did Zither do to Corinna that was so bad that she wishes death upon him? Doesn't she know how to forgive? There's songs on here wishing for Berge and Schone to die as well. Lots of death wishes in yodel form from the sexy sock girl!

Listen to Wir Lieben Die Berge

Making Melody Music CD

No artist, no track listing, and it was sealed in one of those CD envelopes. The only way to find out where this piece of shit came from was the website listed on the disc, which led me to The Golden Plains Baptist Church. Yay. I guess donations are pretty low considering they couldn't make a proper case for this ugly coaster, nor a track listing.

What a waste of money. And listen to this guy sing. He's not very good.

Listen to a song by some guy!

Da Yoopers - Camp Fever

Da Yoopers is a comedy team who made their living telling jokes about hunting, farting, and beer drinking. I have to admit that it's at least amusing! Surprisingly, this is NOT a Canadian album. It came from Michigan, but it could easily be mistaken for Canadian content. Apparently Da Yoopers released 13 albums which is more than most bands can hammer out in their entire career. However, I can't see a whole discography of beer and fart jokes being all that exciting, but I won't find out until I find the other 12 albums.

Listen to Talk Time

Krista Rey - Reflections

Krista starts off on a bad foot, because my name is not Verna, nor will it ever be. Also, the autograph brings no value to this crappy disc. I'm honestly pretty tired of all the Country music that came out of this Junq tour, but what the fuck was I expecting from the Christian Wheat Belt? Death metal? Punk? Hell, even an entire album of someone scratching their balls would have been more enjoyable.

Krista gives thanks to Cindi Cain, a Canadian country singer who's sister dated my cousin. Yup, I'm going to wear that one to boost my value as a human being.

These are all covers, and they're boring. Since "Suds in the Bucket" is the only song I really know on here, I'll share it with you. Personally, I like the version by that tone-deaf blind girl better.

Listen to Suds In The Bucket

Bert Wytinck - Off The Record

The inlay gives us a history of Bert's life. I don't know what the purpose of this is, because it doesn't make me excited to put this hunk of plastic into my CD player. We get songs about auctioneers, chairs, grandpas, and blue eyes crying in the rain. Why the hell does everyone cover blue eyes crying in the rain? I'm so sick of seeing it on these hack job musician's albums.

I have to give Bert credit for one thing. I nearly shit myself when the album showed up in the CDDB while I was extracting songs from it. Unfortunately, my copy contains the un-typo'ed version of "Hey Goog Lookin'"

Anyway, Bert's inability to play in time along with his soothing and boring renditions of these songs will have you sinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry... Narcolepsy has made itself evident as a side effect.

Listen to Grandpa

Unfortunately, we're ending this Junq Tour with a silent and mildly smelly fart as opposed to a loud flappy stinker. I literally had to quickly pick through a large assortment of garbage in the space of about 30 minutes because the damn thrift store closed a bit too early for my liking. I was fairly disappointed with their lack of interesting items for how large the store was.

But this Junq Tour isn't exactly at it's end. I'm in the middle of editing together video footage from the whole trip. I've found myself laughing my as off during the editing process, however you might think "why did this asshole upload this boring crap to Youtube???

I shall let you know when the video is up. But for now, we're going to start shovelling out the Christmas crap!

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Neepawa

This blog entry has been brought to you by Milk audio cassettes. 

Make your recordings sound Milky with Milk!


Neepawa's Book & Tape shop is gone. Their pie restaurant is gone too. However, the thrift store is still there, and it was jam packed with lots of interesting stuff! This is a hefty entry, so I hope your boss is out of the office for the day while you waste company time checking out all this crap.

Mac Frampton - Mac

If this was autographed by Peter Frampton, I'd be a millionaire! Alas, it's just some guy named Mac. It would have been cool if his middle name was Mac and his first name was Fleetwood, making him Fleetwood Mac Frampton. He'd sing songs like "I want you-oo-oo, to go your own way!

Anyway, Fleetwood Mac Frampton is a piano genius! Well, at least HE thinks he is. The only reason I bought this thing is because he does a version of Classical Gas, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog. I swear! It's just a coincidence that I fell in love with the song YEARS before I started blogging. If you add farting noises to this recording, I supposed you could call the song Classical Gas Emissions.

Listen to Classical Gas

Barbie Sings The Princess Movie Song Collection

I don't know what it is about my feeble brain that cannot get over the fact that Barbie (and Ken) are both recording artists. Perhaps it's the fact that they're both DOLLS that cannot TALK. Barbie's personality is supposed to be defined by the child playing with her. Barbie could be an evil bitch, she could be as sweet as pie, or possibly even a commanding dominatrix.

When Barbie releases an album, all we hear is emptiness in her personality, and this collection of princess songs is no exception. Here she is singing about a cat. Or a dog. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

Listen to The Cats Meow

Bob Fuhr and The Evidence - Baby Face / Head Over Heels

Oh those fuzzy 1980s synthy songs! This 45 was made by some Winnipeg guy in the middle of a 1980s nightmare. The A side isn't all that interesting, but side B is where all the action is! I could strip dance to this music! I could cut cheese to this music! I could bounce my balls to this music! Ouch!

Listen to Head Over Heels

Lucio Agostini and Orchestra with The Art Hallman Singers - Hey Look Us Over (American Motors / Rambler Promo)

When I first grabbed this sound sheet in the flashy packaging, I had no clue it was from 1966. I mean, the fact that it was sealed with a 5 cent stamp should have given it away, or perhaps the fact that it's an advertisement for a 1967 Rambler.

The packaging shows that 18 people are on this recording! I hope they all received a crappy free Rambler for their services.

Listen to Hey Look Us Over!

Ralph Bennett - At The End of the Rainbow: Waihi in a Song

I've never been to Waihi, so I figured this tape would give me a good idea of what it's like. I've learned that their songs are too long, people talk instead of sing, and everything is really boring there.

As for the cover, someone named Angie Deacon ate a bunch of paint, threw up on a piece of glossy Fujicolor paper, and called it "perfect".

So if you have nothing to do for about nine minutes, feel free to fill that time with this crappy "song".

Listen to At The End of the Rainbow

Get More with DeckX

For all you unemployed losers out there, DeckX is offering to pay people to drive their trucks and listen to songs by some guy named Scott Nolan. I can't help but wonder how many dicks Scott had to suck to get his songs included on this disc.

All the content on this CD was mashed into ONE STINKING TRACK on this disc, so I had to split up the songs and the boring talking guy. You'll get all six of the tracks, and maybe Scott will motivate you to get your fat ass into a semi (or at the very least into the trailer of one)

As for the songs.... well.... They're mediocre. I'm not about to run out and buy his Bad Bourbon and Broken Radio album (or whatever the fuck it's called). It's all twonky country-ish crap that wouldn't turn my crank even if it were sticking out of my ass.

song: Golden
more blah blah blah
song: Right on the Wrong Time
blah blah blah again
song: This Train

Martin Collis - Fit to Sing

This is a very strange cassette. Martin Collis is a doctor from British Columbia who decided to quit his practice and become a singing comedian. I'm not fucking kidding! I guess he got tired of sticking his finger in people's bum holes. There's only so much shit you can take in life.

I'll give Dr. Collis some credit though, the dialogue and the songs are entertaining!

Listen to Have a Tequila

In The Style of Tammy Wynette

Holy shit! We haven't seen an 8-track from Fantastic F in quite some time! And it's just as awful as we expect it to be! The picture of Tammy Wynette on the cover is a perfect artist's rendition. He also painted two guys in the background looking at her ass.

You get all the classics here: Divorce, Golden Ring, Stand By Your Man, and I'd Like to See Jesus (which Tammy finally did in 1998 after listening to this shitty 8-track)

I've given you the song "Golden Ring" which features a duet with some guy (no, it's not George Jones. You expect too much). You don't get the whole song though. Fantastic F cut off the end because Program 2 ran out of time. Such is the life of a cheap imitation 8-track.

Listen to Golden Ring

In The Style of Kenny Rogers & Dottie West

Kaboom! Starburst explodes into your face with one of their shitty cheap imitation Kenny Rogers albums (they have three others to my knowledge). This particular release has one of the channels inverted, so listening to it in Mono will produce REALLY BAD results. So if you have a mono computer, you might want to throw it away and buy a new one so you can hear this recording in it's true half-inverted glory! I could have fixed the problem in a wave editor, but fuck that. We're purists here at Classical Gas Emissions!

So here's some purely fake Kenny Rogers performed by Buster Fykes & Pam Peddie (who both desperately need to change their legal names)

Listen to Lovin Feelin

Super Hits Including Tie a Yellow Ribbon

There is so much awesomeness going on with this 8-track tape, and that's without even playing it! I'm guessing the record label is called "Parrot Sounds" which is a great name! The tape was produced by "Spar". What the fuck is Spar? Who the fuck is Spar? Why Spar? And the artist is "The Now Generation". Fuck the tomorrow generation because we have NOW! This is all great stuff!

However.... Someone recorded over this magnificent piece of shit. We will never get to hear The Now Generation perform Drift Away or Tie a Yellow Ribbon. Instead, we get a recording of the Maclean & Maclean album "Suck Their Way to the Top / Take The 'O' out of Country". For those who don't live in Winnipeg, you really missed out on this comedy duo. The album will have you crying with laughter, so I included an excerpt from this 8-track.

Listen to "Story of the Fox" and "Daniel Boone" with a special introduction by the REAL Kenny Rogers!

Listen to Maclean & Maclean

Really - Down's Really Up

I had a bitch of a time trying to figure out who to credit this piece of garbage to. This was written by Jim Henman & Peter Henry, but Terry Kelly and Jeannie Beks are singing it, and the spine credits "(arrow down)really(arrow up)". If you want credit for your crappy song, you need to make it clear who made it. Although I don't think anybody really cares because this song sucks.

I'm guessing this song was written about a kid with Down's Syndrome. If you record a song about a kid with Down's Syndrome, you have singled them out. Why didn't you just write a generic song about your child like Eric Clapton did?

But that's the whole purpose of this CD. If you think it's the greatest song in the whole world, track 2 is a karaoke version so you can sing about Down's Syndrome kids too!

From the back of the CD:

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to organizations that are dedicated to enriching the lives of persons with Down syndrome.

First of all, it's "Down's Syndrome". You spelled it wrong. Second, why only "a portion" of the proceeds? You wanna get paid for your crummy song? I hope you enjoyed selling all three copies and prematurely retired off your profits!

Listen to Down's Really Up

Ray Larway & P.J. Neufeld - Harmonica Favorites III

This is apparently the third release by Ray-yay-yay and PJ Harvey. My life will not be complete until I find the first two volumes, and I have a feeling it will never happen. My tortured soul will not rest, and it will haunt these two for all eternity (or at least until they're dead, if they're not already).

These two perform some really old songs such as "Pub With No Beer" and "This Land is Your Land". They can play well enough, but whoever is singing these songs sounds like he's had a few to drink, and his thundering voice will scare any child into a coma.

I'm giving you the final song on the tape, which was apparently a tad too long and suffered a horrible death at the hands of a transparent light blue cassette leader.

Listen to Waltzing Matilda

Morrison Recording Laboratories Soundmaster Record

Side one is a bunch of religious chime music. I hate chimes! I'm much happier with the completely unlabelled side 2 which gives off a constant sound tone. It has an urgent sound, telling you to quit fucking playing this side of the record and go back to the other side with the stupid chimes on it.

Listen to ?????

Cyril Kidds - When I Was Twenty One

HEY! I don't see any Kidds on this album! All I see is an old man!

According to the back of the record sleeve, Cyril wrote and recorded all these songs on his own. He was a farmer, and he creamed all over Manitoba. Well... He trucked cream all over Manitoba while working for the Portage Creamery.

Now that we're all moist and creamy, we can talk about his job at the funeral home. I guess he decided to record this after seeing all the death in front of him, and suspected that his time was very short. He recorded these songs so that... ummm... somebody would enjoy them. Perhaps he placed copies of it inside people's coffins so his music would live forever. And THAT is how your music goes underground!

This album isn't great. His guitar is out of tune, and his voice is a bit out of tune too. He makes a few mistakes here and there, but the vinyl it's pressed on is as smooth as cream.

Listen to Dear Old Harrowby
Download the entire album!

Compact Disc Laser Lens Cleaner

I felt it was time to get all this shitty music out of my CD player and give it a good scrubbing. Enter Radio Shack's CD Lens Cleaner!

So here's how these things work... They make a CD with some crappy music, and then rip someone's eye lashes off their head and glue them to the bottom of the CD. Stick it in your player, listen to it, and just like magic, your player is completely sterilized from all the shit you've been playing in it.

Since I've been playing all this garbage over the internet and through your speakers, I figured this disc will help clean out any residual crap that may have been left behind on the internet.

Listen to track 1
Listen to track 3
(track 2 was long and blank)

Alex Wallman-Will Gentry - Bring Her Home

After cleaning your CD lens, it's time to shit it all up again! Rural thrift stores seem to get all these one-time recorded records such as this one. I don't know who Nashco Productions is or was, but I'm glad they got paid to put this twonky-fart-fart music onto an aluminium-core disc. Side 2 is blank, and I'd rather listen to that than this piss poor excuse for a country song.

Listen to Bring Her Home

Voice-O-Graph - Boris (only) singing

This is an interesting one! Back in the 1940s-1960s, there were small recording booths located at places like fairgrounds that people could enter, pay a coin, and record themselves onto a record such as the one you see above. The records are cheaply made. They're simply a piece of cardboard with a layer of plastic on top. Over time, the plastic will crack and flake off which I've seen in the past. This one is still intact, although there are some cracks where there is no recording. It's just a matter of time before it starts flaking.

As for the statement that this record is inflammable, I'm not going to give it much credit since it IS a piece of cardboard.

Listen to Boris singing!

Phew! That was a lot of garbage to sift through. Anyway, we have one more stop on the Junq Tour in Portage La Prairie and then I'll get to the Christmas Crap!

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Brandon

The city of Brandon... Where the wheat flows and my best friend's ex-wife can be found if you want to curb-stomp the whore. Well, at least the thrift stores didn't screw me over!

Brandon MCC

Banner Country Singers

I initially bought this one simply because there was a version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on it. I've been collecting strange and shitty versions of the song, and plan on doing a visit to Amateur Hour with them.

This group of women recorded this album in the super-famous town of Esterhazy, Saskatchewan which is famous for their... umm... people named Ester. Surprisingly, these ladies are actually quite talented and sing very well! Judging from a photo taken from the stage at one of their performances, one of these ladies has a nice ass.

Listen to Take Me Home Country Roads

Tillie Harpelle - Wanderin' On

This is Tillie's second appearance on Classical Gas Emissions! You can see her first one here. This time, she's older than ever and still yodeling her face off, except this time she's doing it while walking down a railroad track. I'm guessing a train smacked her ass dead afterwards.

I don't know why people knock a good yodeler. They can bring a smile to a child, a smile to an alligator, a smile to a wrinkled old man with a big cock, and a smile to a guy who writes shitty blog entries in his spare time.

Listen to The Yodelling Trail Rider

Prairie Sunshine - Our Best to You

According to the cover, someone set these guys on fire, and rightly so. May they forever burn in hell for ruining songs such as "Hello Mary Lou", "Funny Face", and "Are You Lonesome Tonight". These songs have a suicidal sadness to them in hopes that you'll join the band in the eternal torment of a fiery afterlife. The album should have been called "Our Worst To You". Also, the songs almost all sound the same.

Listen to their sad version of Funny Face
Listen to their dialogue-free version of Are You Lonesome Tonight

John Martens -- Cordovox / Fred Wolfe -- Bass Violin

This title-free album was recorded on the bottom of someone's shoe, where dog shit and old chewing gum fester with all these fucking terrible renditions of old Christian songs. This disc inclues the hits "Happiness is The Lord (when he's not listening to this terrible music)", "Each Step I Take (I smell dog shit)", "Oh Mighty God, How Great Thou Art (for forgetting to give me some talent)", and "In The Shady Green Pastures (a pissed off blogger stomped the hell out of this crappy CD and broke it into a million pieces)"

May the lord have mercy on your ears!

Listen to In Times Like These

The Countdown Dance Masters - Macarena Tropical Disco

The Madacy record label has opened your wallet and taken a shit inside of it yet again with this release. When your band is called "The Countdown Dance Masters", you really can't expect them to delight you with their dance talent by listening to a cassette. So instead, you have to put up with their singing.

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for any piece of garbage with the word "Macarena" on it. However, this time around you get Macarena-fied version of "In The Summertime", "Oye Como Va", "Lambada" and a bunch of other songs. Okay... They're not really Macarena-fied, they just put the word "Macarena" on the tape to sell it during the Macarena dance crisis.

Listen to Sweat (Alalalalalong)

Jammin' Sam - Can't Go Wrong With A Little Creedence Song

One day, a man woke up after having a stroke that left him half paralyzed and said, "I'm going to start a Creedence Clearwater Revival Tribute Band!"

This CD was released as a benefit album to help raise money for a local charity. Unfortunately, I think it's the band that needs help more than the charity. These covers are fucking awful. Those assholes left in the real CCR band should have sued these guys instead of John Fogerty. Hell, John Fogerty should sue them too!

So now join me if you will, to go rallin' down the river with Jammin' Sam! (To all those who aren't Canadian, I swear that we don't talk or sing like this! Honest!)

Listen to Proud Mary
Listen to Fortunate Son
Download the whole album!

Value Village

I'm very sad to report that most of the stuff I bought at Value Village actually wasn't half bad, although it gets a little bit strange. So let's take a stroll through this stuff...

The Reverend Rambler

The album cover completely won me over. We've got a sleazy motherfucker holding up a bible, sticking out his snake tongue. I thought this was going to be some guy rambling off bible verses, but it is not.

It's bluesy, twonky, catchy, and it's really good! If there's one complaint I have, it's the production work. They took the mix and brickwalled it, so it's a bit distorted. It's still pretty enjoyable thought!

Listen to Get Down
Buy the album at Bandcamp

The Western Union - Album No. 2

This band goes all the way back to my childhood. I bought their first album (or got my dad to buy it for me) from a thrift store back when I was around five years old. The only reason I picked it was because of the record label's logo, which was the locally-run Galaxy Records. This record label normally catered to Ukrainian music (much like V-Records) but they did a one-off for The Western Union. Although the band wasn't happy with the release, I thought it was pretty good.

As for their second album, I have to say it's just as good as their first one.

As a side note, the band (which is a project by Bill and Sue-On Hillman) had their own television show, and the albums were mainly an extension of it. I doubt there are any episodes of the show still in existence, but at least we have the records!

Listen to You Were On My Mind

Cathedrals - Unbound / Harlem

It's not often I'll find a newer record at a thrift store (and a 45rpm to boot), but I came across this limited pressing (298/400) of a song by The Cathedrals. They kind of remind me of The Raveonettes, but less distorted. This single is actually pretty damn good! I crave more! I found more! Happiness ensues!

Listen to Unbound
Listen to more of them on Soundcloud!

CDs by Atlantis

It's time to get your fag on and dip your cock into a nice brown butthole of music! I just couldn't turn down the bizarreness of these album covers. There's plenty of male nipple to be had, and enough astroglide to grease up every single band member performing on all three of these CDs.

The tracks on these albums are pretty much just gay club techno versions of some very well known songs. All your favourite performers are here: Boys, Housecream, Boys Boys Boys, MC Joe, In.Deep, and a bunch of other really gay performances by a bunch of really gay names.

So grease those earbuds up and slide them into your asshole with this pooptastic Green Day cover!

Listen to Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Daniel O'Donnell - Rock 'n' Roll Hits / Remembering Elvis

Who says the Irish can't sing like the greats? Well, I do. However, good ol' Danny boy isn't all that terrible. He just can't shut the fuck up about how much he likes these songs. I'm dead serious, he does almost as much talking on these albums as he does singing the songs. Since he's extremely boring to listen to, I've excluded him talking about these damn songs and just left in the performances. The band isn't very good, but Danny boy has a very non-offensive voice. He seems like a nice guy you'd enjoy having as your neighbour. However, his rendition of "Fool Such as I" is almost as boring as him talking about how much he likes it.

Listen to Daydream Believer
Listen to A Fool Such as I

I've got some Christmas shit just waiting to be posted, but I have two more thrift store locations left to post about on this Junq Tour, so let's blast through them! Next stop: Neepawa!