Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Welcome to the backlog! Let's flush it...

I have too many fucking tapes sitting in my queue bin, so that's where I'm focusing my energy on today's update. I've got songs sitting on my computer, blurbs of text I've written about tapes that have been sitting in my bin for years, and now I've decided to take those scraps and finally make an entry with them.

So, we've got three lovely cassettes to look at. It simply HAS to be cassettes because they've taken over my bin. Did I mention I'm still looking for another person in the Winnipeg area to take on some of the load of writing about all this shit I collect? I'll even supply the equipment for transferring! Oh yeah, and you have to be funny.

Well regardless of my backlog, let's see what kind of crap is going to swirl its way into my blog archive. I plan on burying my blog archives for future civilizations to find and conclude that we were a totally fucked society.

Skallie Macdougal - ...But Is It Art

This is a great tape! I have an unhealthy fondness for ska music because it's so goddam catchy, but the singer is so fucking spastic on the first song, it makes me want to jump around like a retarded kangaroo and snort pixie sticks up into my brain. The entire cassette insert is a fantastic piece of work on its own, and the silver paint pen used to write on the otherwise blank cassette shell really makes this home-made tape a nice little treasure! If even HALF the artists I review on this site put the same artistic effort into their album as these guys did, this would be a much, happier blog to read. Unfortunately, I review miserable shit, and therefore my blog is miserable shit.

Listen to "Talk To Me"

Arnie - Oldies But Goodies

I figured I should finally put this one up so it can happily snuggle on my blog with this and this and this. Arnie yet again leaves his plunger at home and decides to sing some crappy old songs. He sounds way better on here than he did on the Hank Williams tribute.

Sadly, Arnie passed away back on May 28th 2011, so he will no longer be recording what seems like an endless stream of albums, nor will he scrape the handle of his plunger with a coat hanger. Rest in peace Arnie, you are one of the stars of Classical Gas Emissions, although I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Perhaps, the realization that he was a star here may have been what killed him.

And now, here's a song about Arnie shining down on us from heaven. I shed a tear every time I grab the plunger to de-clog another one of the toys my kid tried to flush down the shitter.

Listen to "You Are My Sunshine"

A Night With Jimmy Mills

This one is bad. VERY VERY BAD. I found a copy of this while I was in Ashern one year with a slightly different cover. Jimmy claims that he was in The Platters and The Ink Spots. A quick search on the internet turned up NOTHING to verify this claim which leads me to believe he was nothing more than MAYBE a bartender where both of these groups had performed. Not only does his name have NOTHING to do with either of these groups, he sounds like a half-dead rhinoceros taking his last shit.

This tape was still sealed when I bought it, probably because the last person who owned it KNEW it was a turd. Putting the dedication right on the album cover is a good way to piss off the girl you have a crush on. Poor Liz. She ended up being permanently associated with some amateur asshole who can't sing.

Jimmy Mills butchers all your favorite classics here: Twilight Time, Stand By Me, Moon River, and many others he should have left alone.

This tape was duplicated by 'Canadian Cassette Services & Mfg LTD' who made all of Side B sound as if it was recorded on a tape deck buried under a pack of wet mud. Unfortunately, this technical handicap still doesn't hide how awful Jimmy sounds. Here's his atrocious version of "Twilight Time" (which, likely according to him, was single-handedly written by him... and for Liz, nonetheless.)

Listen to him kill my favorite Platters song

There. I tackled three more cassettes. As it stands, there's only 47 more for me to listen to, select songs from, scan the covers, and write shitty little paragraphs about how much they suck. Well, I guess not all of them suck. I mean, the Skallie tape isn't bad and Arnie's nasally vocals are sorta growing on me. Other than that, I think I deserve an addiction to anti-depressants.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Mr. Finley's Pharmacy

Anti-drug videos are so much fun to watch. Here's one from 1982 teaching kids that eating prescription drugs can fuck you up. Personally, I'd be more terrified of the drugs making me look like these rubber puppets. There is something dreadfully wrong with the hippie puppet. Not only does his music suck since going sober, but he looks like something that has threatened to kill me in one of my past nightmares. It would've been more amusing to see him stab Mr. Finley with his acoustic guitar. That would certainly scare children into staying on the straightened path!

Special thanks go to the Winnipeg Public Library for turfing this piece of crap from their collection and the thrift store who sold it to me for 49 cents.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Cheap Imitations For The Soul

I figured it's a good day to tackle some of the stuff that's been rotting in my 'in queue' box. It's been overflowing for quite some time, so I did a quick listen to a bunch of the cassettes in there. About 1/3 of them are being dumped because they're not interesting, good, nor terrible. Let us pray over the mass grave of the following artists who will NOT be featured on Classical Gas Emissions:

Bob & Brenda Penner, Sandra Mae Reimer, Bob Chartrand, Paul Who?, Lisa Serofin & Wild West, Eric Genius, David Lum, Nikki Hornsby, The Callens, Fulnormal, Tim Watson & Black Creek, The Musical Warriors, King Apparatus, Little Sister.

With these tapes no longer stinking up the box, I can now focus my energy on great albums such as...

Sounds Like Boney M

Sounds like Boner Mayonnaise if ya ask me! But seriously, it's not hard to sound like Boney M since they weren't much of a real group anyway. The original Boney M largely consisted of producer Frank Farian singing both the male and female vocals, and used a band to lip sync along with his recordings. He did something similar 10 years later with Milli Vanilli. True story!

Boney M was a fake studio creation, and this album is pretty much the same thing. For all I know, this could be the same batch of studio musicians who recorded Milli Vanilli's albums.

You're probably asking, "Who is that on the album cover?" The answer is pretty obvious... It's a black woman with hairy armpits who needs to visit a dentist RIGHT NOW.

Why they decided to split up "Night Flight To Venus" and "Rasputin" is anybody's guess, but I'm guessing they never actually listened to the album. Since splitting these two songs was the wrong thing to do, I've taken the liberty of surgically re-attaching the foreskin to the penis, and Boner M is now able to happily penetrate the holes in the sides of your head!

The announcer at the beginning sounds like he's talking into an electric fan while sitting in a cave. When Rasputin finally kicks in, the music becomes reminiscent of Ska rather than Disco. The male vocalist sounds like he's bored out of his skull and wishes he had a real record deal.

Regardless, "Smells like Boney M" doesn't stink as badly as it could have. Here's the highly enjoyable and newly spliced together "Nightflight to Venus / Rasputin" for you to laugh at.

Listen to it here!

Bill Cosby Is Not Himself Lately (Rat Own, Rat Own, Rat Own)

This album cover is hard evidence that Bill Cosby used to be a woman!

Just kidding. We all know that Bill Cosby is really just a cup of chocolate pudding.

The realistic idea behind this album cover is that the company who manufactured this used a generic picture for every album they released. In today's non-tolerance of defining sexual roles, this album cover becomes a prime example of how men and women are indeed equal and interchangeable. If you look hard enough, perhaps you'll be convinced that the person on this album cover is INDEED Bill Cosby.

When I found this, I honestly couldn't believe that some cheap imitation artist would re-record a Bill Cosby comedy album in its entirety. While listening to this atrocious piece of junk, I took comfort in knowing that (according to the label) that this was NOT Bill Cosby, but some asshole doing a really good voice impression of him. However, the guy sounded too much like Bill Cosby for me to dismiss that this may actually be a bootleg, so I compared it to the recordings on Youtube.

My findings were devastating. This is the REAL album. Not only that, it has to be the shittiest album Bill Cosby ever recorded. No wonder it's still out of print. Bill talks and 'sings' Barry White-esque vocals on every single song which sounds like a bad funk nightmare. With the exception of a few minor laughs, most of the album isn't funny. Its content mainly consists of repeating the phrase "rat own" over and over again which gets incredibly fucking stale after the first song. It becomes as unfunny as listening to an album of farting noises over Justin Bieber music.

Nevertheless, I feel I must post a track off this one.

Listen to "Garbage Truck Lady"

The Tony Mansell Singers - Bridge Over The Genius of Simon & Garfunkel

A better title for this album would be "Bridge Over Troubled Water - The Idiocy of The Tony Mansell Singers"

Over the last few years, I've posted a couple of really bad Simon & Garfunkel covers. There would have been more, but "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seemed to be one of the most favorite songs to ruin in the 1970s. We're not going to focus on that song this time because I think there's three different versions available for download on this site.

Instead, we're going to focus on the catchy little number called "Mrs. Robinson". The Tony Mansell Singers have sucked out the passionate vocals that Simon & Garfunkel gave us, and instead have recorded an incredibly happy-sounding gospel choir song. This version will make you want to bounce around like a flaming Peter Pan while punching any religious zealots who tell you God wants you to grow up.

Listen to "Mrs. Robinson"

I've got tons and tons more of these cheap imitation albums. I have yet to focus on the discography of "Sound Alike Music" where each album re-creates the sound of a different artist. Some of the artists I have in this series are Led Zeppelin, Grand Funk, Alice Cooper, and everyone's favorite, Engelbert Humperdinck! And they're really terrible!

Oh, and my blog's fifth anniversary is coming up. I'm looking forward to posting a special birthday entry in celebration!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Albums by Happy Couples

Welcome to the first post of 2012! We're going to start off the year on a happy note. I'm reviewing albums by happy couples who have been together for years.

...Now that the happy note is over, here's the sad note... Three out of four of these albums contain country music. Three out of four of these albums are Christian music. Yes, we're starting the new year off with a bang... a bang of four shitty albums hitting the bottom of the garbage can. I felt the need to wash my ears out with a Big Star album after hearing these four dreadful clumps of shit.

Hank & Anne - Pathways of Time

The first song on this album, "Jesus Help Me Walk" actually gave me some hope for this one. Not only does Hank have a cool voice, but the song is about going out, asking Jesus to play with his balls, and then asking for help walking home because he got too drunk. Well, that's the message I got from it anyway. The only time I usually pray to Jesus is when I get piss drunk and I'm heaving above a porcelain shit-disposer. Perhaps I should write a song called "Jesus help me puke"

Anyway, after such a great song, Hank's wife takes control of the album and ruins it with more sensible worship songs. Not only that, her voice sucks. To put a final gold star of failure on the album, the backing band is full of arthritis and alzheimers and can't seem to stick together while playing.

Download "Jesus Help Me Walk"

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Two Part Country

Yes! Weird Kevin Harcourt is back on Classical Gas Emissions! You can find my review of another one of his albums here. According to the inlay card, Weird Kevin put out a total of six album. Why??? He didn't need to!!! One was sufficient!!!

The amusing part about this album is the last song. It's repeated twice, but the second one is an answer song. Kevin sings the Waylon Jennings hit "Put Another Log On The Fire, Bitch" and Marg follows it up with a parody called "Put Your Own Goddam Log On The Motherfucking Fire, You Cocksucking Prick". This album is amusing for the sole reason that Kevin still looks like Weird Al, and Marg sounds like a nasal clog.

Download "Put Your Own Log On The Fire"

Bert & Liz Genaille - It's Different Now

Bert and Liz bring you their newest album called "It's Different Now" to follow up their last three efforts which were all titled "Same Shit As Before". This album is full of acoustic songs about Jesus saving their ass along with songs about Jesus doing other stuff.

Look at the cover. Even though they're both homely as hell, they look very in love. Well, Bert does at least. Liz doesn't look too happy, but that might be because she's too ugly to look happy. Regardless, They managed to crank out this boring album which I regretfully wasted my money on.

There seems to be a common thread with Christian albums I find. Many of them have Christian parodies of Folsom Prison Blues on them, and this one is no different. If you hate Johnny Cash and love Jesus, then you'll enjoy the fuck out of "Jesus Signed My Pardon".

Download it here!

Don and Immie - He Put The Song In My Heart

You can tell I bought this album solely because of the two mutants on the cover. Personally, I think the title "He Stuck The Song Up My Ass" would have been a better title for this album. Look at Don. It looks like someone stuck SOMETHING up his ass. Poor Immie is just an unfortunate accident from her mother drinking too much of Jesus' blood while pregnant.

I honestly thought that Don would be singing "Doink Doink JESUS!!! Doink Doink JESUS!!" or something equally as simplistic, but I'm afraid it's much worse. Not only does Don sing stupid songs, he sounds a LOT like Terry on that last video I posted. The song I'm offering has Don declaring his love to Jesus. After Don was finished singing this one, he needed to go touch the little piece of heaven between his legs and squonk one out. This song is AWFUL.

Download "The Lord of my Life"

Most of you are probably wondering if there's ANY Christian-themed songs that I actually like. Of course! Here's a list to prove it:

Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
Jesus Christ - Big Star
My Sweet Lord - George Harrison
Pray - M.C. Hammer
Jesus Is Just Alright - Doobie Brothers
Heaven - Talking Heads
Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden
Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock
Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi
Angel In My Heart - Britny Fox
Jehovah - Saigon Kick
Houses of the Holy - Led Zeppelin
Practice What You Preach - Testament
Judgment Day - Whitesnake
Thank God For The Bomb - Ozzy Osbourne
Thank God I'm A Country Boy - John Denver
Metal Gods - Judas Priest
Hard Rock Hallelujah - Lordi
Goddam Devil - Ugly Kid Joe
Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
There Is No God - Extreme
He's Kissing Christian - That Dog

And now you can't call me a Satan worshipper. So go download all those songs and light will shine from your computer monitor while you do it.