Saturday, November 30, 2019

Santa's TV Show

Back in the 1980s and 1990s at Christmas time, there would be a special live TV show that featured Santa Claus either calling or receiving phone calls from children asking what they wanted for Christmas. Sometimes they would add elements to the TV show to make it more "interesting" although I find it would usually make it more stupid.

I have two examples that I put on Youtube, one from 1990 and one from 1991. I'm fairly certain that I have one from 1989 kicking around somewhere, but I'd have to do some more searching through my old video tapes.

This first one features a Santa with what sounds like a German accent and who apparently thinks that the city of Regina is in Manitoba. I'll bet kids got the wrong shit for Christmas that year. Kids call into the show and Santa is likely doing a crossword puzzle while he pretends to write down what kids want for Christmas.

The second one features a Santa who doesn't have an accent, but is phoning the children at home. I'm guessing that parents had mailed information about their kids to make it appear that Santa actually knows things about them. There are also creepy elf puppets along with some idiotic back story about the reindeer that nobody really gives a shit about.

Both of these Santa shows feature a somewhat attractive female helper in her late teens or early 20s although I would have appreciated a much nicer attire than the overalls that Santa's helper is wearing in the second video, but that was in style in the 1990s (albeit a really shitty style). The helper in the first video did a very nice job on her attire, and I'll bet Santa had no problem sliding down her chimney.

Coming up.... Some really nice Christmas albums. Okay, maybe not so nice. You'll see.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Portage La Prairie

We've reached the final destination of the Junq Tour. This may be the first year that I successfully posted everything before the new year. Hooray for progress and injuries! Let's get to the junk...

CP Hotels - The Great Sounds of Canadian Pacific Hotels in Mexico

Apparently, there was a time when Canadian Pacific Railways owned some resort hotels. This sound sheet specifically focuses on the El Mirador Plaza and Club Aumal Caribe which have since been sold or transferred to another operator. I've included the audio solely for historical significance, as it's not the most interesting thing to listen to.

Listen to CP Hotels

Neil Harris Singers - The Spirit of '70

Released by the Government of the province of Manitoba! Remember when our tax dollars went to stupid things like official theme songs? Well, here's some corn-filled turds about the province of Manitoba. Apparently you can feel the beat of Manitoba, although it's probably just the sound of someone breaking into someone else's car.

The days when we had stupid theme songs are gone, but it's not hard to long for the time when things were cheaper, life was simpler, and obviously there were people who were very proud of the land they live on. The idea of corporate theme songs died by around 1980. They're kinda fun to listen to because nobody in their right mind would make awful-sounding trash like this today.

This record has that strange groove pattern on side B. The grooves are blank, and they push the stylus back to the beginning of the record, eventually kicking it off the record and destroying your stylus by having it scrape against the rubber platter cover. I've covered another record with the exact same groove pattern on side B except it was a 12 inch record.

Listen to The Spirit of 70

Allan di Dio - Through The Built-In Mic

Immediately upon looking at the title, I'm expecting an album that was recorded on a shoebox tape recorder. Fortunately, the quality is a little bit better than that. Only a little.

The insert has instructions on how to listen to this album:

This CD is best played through a personal CD Player with headphones or thorugh any stereo system

I'm glad he cleared that up. I was planning on folding the disc in half and shoving it into my 8-track player.

Equalization should be set for "acoustic" if able or set for slight increase in bias on both the low and high end of the spectrum.

Usually when you record an album with half-decent software, you're able to tweak those knobs yourself so you don't have to rely on the stupid listener to do it for you.

The track listing on the back includes the size of the songs in megabytes. Why? I don't care what the size of the song is if I'm not going to extract any of these into wave files. He also made it very clear that these songs are for his kid, so why am I being subjected to this stuff?

Listen to Deep Blue Dress

Barbara McAffee - Yes


This album is just as bad as her teeth.

Listen to Bridge Over Troubled Water

Mr. Ken - Sing, Play, Live

Oh my God, look at all the fucking colors! The CDDB identifies this album as Beck's Hell Yes EP. I really wish it was. The back of the CD shows a picture of Mr. Ken shitting out his songs for the album.

The best thing about this album is he credits the kids (at least their first names) for contributing their vocals to the album. I'm sure each of them received a gummy bear for their efforts. It's a shame that kids generally know nothing about royalties and lawyers.

Listen to I Like Superman

Mary Ellen - M.E. To You

You see that album title? Get it? Haha. Groan.

Mary Ellen decided to use her obituary picture for the album cover. She also decided to use a drunken German oom-pah band for her backup musicians. The music is pretty terrible and the poor drummer (either human or Casio) was recorded while playing in the next room.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this was Engelbert Humperdinck's wife.

Listen to Release Me

Musegendary - Reason to Hate

This one was sealed and it should have stayed sealed. I understand the appeal of rap music. I really do. However, these songs have the fucking stupidest lyrics I've heard in a long time.

Here's some of the brilliant lyrics:

Bring your girl but keep her guarded
Cause when I get drunk I get retarded

This is my cheese baby you can't have it
I know you really want it but you can't have it

You see a pretty lady that's really curvy
Thick like gravy, that's my lady

But we all know the haturz guna hate. Feel free to count the reasons to hate this shitty music...

Listen to B-Day Bash
Listen to My Lady

Fuentes - Bird-snake

Someone got a Yamaha keyboard for Christmas in 1986 and immediately realized they were a musician. I can't even call this crap music. its just a bunch of shitty noises mixed together. Fuentes calls themselves a "soundtrack performance group", but I can't imagine anybody using this shit for the background to anything. I could record a bunch of my farts, mix them together, and it would be more enjoyable than this.

I have no clue what's on the cover, but somebody must have been vomiting blood that day.

Listen to Conquistadores


Who needs an album title or a last name? Not Holly!

It looks like someone dropped this CD in the toilet and forgot to flush. The inserts are all wrinkled and the pages are stuck together. What they were doing with it in the bathroom is anybody's guess. There's what appears to be some interesting liner notes inside the booklet, but the bathroom incident made them unreadable.

Holly is a country singer who wears lightning bolts for earrings to match her electrifyingly bad country music covers. We have all the famous country songs on here like Patsy Cline's "Crazy", Patsy Cline's "Walking After Midnight", The Judds "Grandpa" (HOORAY!!!), and Led Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll".

Listen to Rock and Roll
Listen to Grandpa

And that's a wrap for the Junq Tour of 2019. In the last three years that I've been doing these trips, I think I can safely say that this year rendered the largest amount of crap thus far. However, we shall see what 2020 brings.

Coming up.... Ruining your Christmas!

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: MacGregor

I bought three cassettes in the MacGregor thrift store. That was pretty much the content of the entire store.

Golden Car Songs - Camp Song Favorites

All your favorite driving songs are here such as "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends", "Pizza with Cheese", "The Cat Came Back", and "Kumbaya". There is absolutely nothing car-ish about this album. I honestly think that the group performing this is called "Golden Car Songs" which is a pretty dumb name. If I ever have a band, I'm going to call it "I Recorded This In My Shower and I Peed In There Too". It's one of those cassettes that you would rather NOT have playing in your car because it's annoyingly terrible like all children's entertainment that came out in the 1990s.

At least you get a song about killing bees.

Listen to Baby Bumblebee

From The Heart - Country Gospel Vol. 1

Apparently drummers are not allowed in this band, and a mixer wasn't allowed in the studio (if you can call the place this was recorded in a "studio". Without a drummer, the band simply cannot keep time, although some of the lousy bands I've reviewed that have a drummer couldn't keep time either.

This is mainly a collection of gospel covers (that doesn't deserve a vol. 2) and one original song. Guess which one I've included for your listening displeasure? Answer: The song about premature ejaculation.

Listen to Surely I Come Quickly

Valley Mennonite Academy Choir - The Lord Is Watching Over Me

Apparently, the Lord is a baa baa black sheep standing in his heaven full of dandelions. He watches over you to make sure that you don't taint his name and his children by recording any satanic Cyndi Lauper onto this beautiful Chromium Dioxide cassette.

It's all gospel songs sung by gospel children. The backing band is a Casio of the oom-pah variety and the children singing are only mildly annoying to listen to.

Listen to God's Love

We are now heading to Portage La Prairie which is our final destination. Hopefully it's open for more than ten minutes (unlike last year).

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Austin

This is the second time Austin's thrift store has amazed me with the unique crap I find in it. I usually don't find a lot of stuff in this store, but the things I find are usually pretty fun. This time was no exception.

Sarah Getto - My Gospel Favorites

I was certain this CD was going to suck ass as Sarah looked like a blind wannabe hack musician with one of those plunky string things on her lap, and the disclaimer that she played and sang everything on the album. Usually I end up with some weird crap that was mixed by a deaf person. This is not the case.

Sarah is extremely talented, and the mix on this CD is superb! Gospel songs usually aren't my thing, but they're actually kinda enjoyable on here. So I shall share one track with you.

Listen to In The Garden

Birnie Eldon Bornn - Write a Song / Southern Styles

There's something to be said about a good comb over, but someone else will have to say it because I think comb overs are awful. I'd rather see him in a blonde toupee.

I don't know what's wrong with this guy's name. It seems that his first, middle, and last name all have spelling errors. Perhaps his parents were both alcoholics with comb overs, so we shouldn't be too hasty to judge Birnie.

The music is country gospel which is already a bad start. Either Birnie's voice is that terrible, or he decided to record his vocal tracks in a car that has two bad spark plugs. At least the mix is okay, but that's all it has going for it. This album's pretty lousy.

Listen to We Shall Overcome

Talking Magazines

I've never found anything like this before. They're magazines on LP which were generally made for blind people, as there's braille on the record label. They're cut at 16 RPM in order to cram as much yakety yak as possible into the grooves. Each side runs for about an hour or so.

When I put one on my turntable (without really looking at the label), It took me a minute to realize that no, my turntable wasn't set to 45 RPM and that yes, my turntable was in correct working order. I had to pull out my old school-era Califone record player which has a 16 RPM speed setting to listen to these records correctly. I transferred them at 45 RPM and then used software to slow them back down.

When I was picking through the pile of these in the thrift store, I settled on buying four of them with the most interesting looking topics on them. Here they are in no particular order.

A Sound Effects Program with Chris Ethridge
A guy who makes really annoying sound effects with his voice

News Notes
New technologies for the blind such as reclining wheelchairs, microfiche (which is pronounced wrong) along with a bunch of other innovations of 1977.

Ill Fitting Shoes Are a Pain!
A whole program on women's feet. I'm sure the fetish guys will be jizzing all over their pants.

What The Blind Really Need
Surprisingly, it's not eyesight nor God.

Under Water Treasure by Melissa

Oh look! A book! I don't get to review these very often, so it's always a treat. This entire thing was written drawn, and colored by an 11 year old girl named Melissa who's last name I cannot read. I think it's actually quite well done. Her story writing skills on the other hand are the pits.

It's about a girl named Louisiana who goes to visit her aunt Fefe and they discover treasure. Louisiana couldn't give a fuck about the treasure and won't shut up about how much she wants to go home.

The first thing you see when you open the cover is the text "Here U go U ass!" which makes me wonder who the recipient of this book was. The first acutal page leaves a promise of a second book. Whether or not it was ever written will likely remain a mystery.

This is obviously the only copy in existence, so I must share it with the world. I put it in PDF format for all of you with digital book readers.

Check out the book!

Next, we shall see if it was worth stopping at the thrift store in McGregor.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (Value Village)

Our last stop in Brandon is the Value Village. I don't think there's ever been a time that I've walked out of here empty handed.

Gayleen Froese - Obituary

We gather here today to lay Gayleen's album to rest in the trash because it was too fucking boring to bother posting any songs. May this album rest in pieces and we hope that future generations do not find it and assume that the music of our day was this boring.

Lola - Full Circle

I would have been in my glory if the CD was actually square shaped. Instead, she put a picture of her fucking cats on it.

It mostly consists of boring country music covers, but we get a really terrible country version of an Elvis song to annoy us. Speaking of which, I'm very much overdue for another Elvis entry. The pile of tribute albums has been growing.

Listen to Fool Such As I

Makin' Music with The Treble Teens

Well, they're not bad singers, but their high voices are like nails across a chalk board. If you like it when people screech your favourite songs from the 1970s, you'll love this album. We get a medley with some of the worst songs from the decade such as Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Send In The Clowns, Love Will Keep Us Together, and a couple others nobody cares to remember. Also, if you like your Neil Diamond songs on the Jazzy side, you'll get jizzy over this one.

Listen to 70's Medley
Listen to Song Sung Blue

Ringling 5 - It Ain't Music

There are so many other bands that should have used this album title, and I have to say that the Ringling 5 isn't one of them. These guys have written some fun novelty songs about country living. You get songs such as "Jurassic Ark", "Ranch Aerobics", "Don't Screw with Montana", "Sheep Shearers' Lament", and "Hoop-De Poop-De Polka". Their title track should be this blog's theme song.

Listen to Hoop-De Poop-De Polka
Listen to It Ain't Music

The Countdown Singers - Goodbye England's Rose: Candle In The Wind 1997

I'm surprised there isn't more knock offs of this, considering it's the second best selling single of all time (Bing Crosby's White Christmas is #1, and I always see copies of it in piles of 78 rpm records). I have to say that this is probably the worst piece of shit I've found on the entire Junq Tour thus far. All the songs on here are fucking terrible, and I'm talking about them in their original form. After you take a bunch of shitty songs and let some stupid-arsed studio musicians cover it, you have a flat brown turd to stuff in your CD player. You will never get the stink out of your machine after you've played this.

Check out this note on the back of the album:

"All Royalties for the use of the recording "Goodbye England's Rose / Candle In The Wind 1997" will be donated directly by the producers and Madacy Entertainment Group to funds established in memory of Princess Diana"

I call bullshit on that. What royalties? These aren't the original recordings, so I'm assuming if they're paying for any royalties, it would be to the original musicians. Given that there's 12 shitty covers on here, they would have to divide the royalties 12 different ways. I also doubt that Madacy pays royalties to the original artists, let alone to any Princess Diana fund. Let's get real here, they stuffed the proceeds into their empty pockets because people generally don't buy shitty albums like this.

Let's go through some of the songs:

Goodbye England's Rose (Candle In The Wind 1997): The guy who's pretending to be Elton John sounds like he's 97 years old here. I'll bet whoever bought this CD was pissed when they heard this version.

Memory: This is apparently from the musical "Cats". Yuck. I generally don't like musicals.

Tears In Heaven: Voted Eric Clapton's worst song ever, and I'd have to agree. Yes, I know why he wrote it, and it wasn't for Princess Diana. Madacy should be ashamed of themselves, so should Eric Clapton, and so should whoever the hack is singing this.

I'll Be Missing You: This is the Puffy Combs Cereal version where he rips off "Every Breath You Take". I hated this song when it came out, and now we have some pretend wannabe "gangsta" trying to rap as good as Puff Daddy, although I'd beg to differ on Sean Puffy being a good rapper. He's also a stupidhead for changing his name hundreds of times.

Imagine: We can't avoid a good excuse to bastardize John Lennon. It doesn't even sound remotely like him. The performance on here is awful. How can you fuck this one up? Well, Madacy found a way like they always do.

Why: Even Annie Lennox can't even escape Madacy's mission to ruin songs.

I Will Always Love You: DEAR GOD NO!!!!! IT'S FUCKING ATROCIOUS!!!! I can't even articulate how bloody horrid this is. It makes me want to beat my head in with a sledge hammer which would be less painful than hearing this bitch trying to pull off Whitney Houston's most annoying performance of all time.

Missing You: We already have a song called "Missing You" on this goddam CD. I don't know who originally did this song, but it's probably awful and this version is even worse.

You Are So Beautiful: Whoever's singing this Joe Cocker song sounds as horrific as what Princess Diana looked like after the accident. I make the same sounds when I'm in the bathroom having a really tough bunny pellet shit. He sounds like he's on his death bed which would probably be a good thing.

The Rose: Can we please not? At least the singer has been replaced with a saxophone. Hopefully the singer was murdered with the saxophone.

Listen to Candle In The Wind
Listen to I'll Be Missing You
Listen to You Are So Beautiful
or just download the entire awful mess

After that last album, I don't know if I can go on with the Junq Tour. But we must try and make our way to Austin.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (Superthrift)

I believe the Superthrift is fairly new, as I don't recall seeing it before. Not much for strange finds here, but there was certainly a lot to dig through.

Country Blend - Gospel Favorites

Hey! The original lineup is back and they're ready to convert you into a Christian with their collection of Gospel Favorites. The secret they won't tell you is that Joan MacKay sold her soul to the devil to become the world's greatest piano player. She got the haircut as a free gift.

I'm not sampling anything from here because we have enough entries from the Christian Wheat Belt to cover our religious song quota.

Bill & Sue-On Hillman Vol.12 - The Canada Sessions: 33 Songs from the Early Years

I recently covered Bill & Sue-On Hillman's first four albums which vary from mediocre to excellent, and I rated Vol.3 as my favourite. One of the things I was looking forward to on this trip was eating at their restaurant which they inherited from Sue-On's family. My craving for Chinese food was brutally slaughtered because the restaurant is gone, so I had to eat some fast food shit because nothing else was open.

However, it was a joy to find this CD. I covered a portion of the 33 songs on this album which came from volumes 4, 5 and 6.  I was quite happy to see more of Bill's original songs on here, and yes, they're very good indeed!

I've pulled three songs from this CD for you to hear. "Highway 354" is a perfectly fine twonky driving song that will forever remind you of all the wheat that makes your drive through Manitoba boring as fuck. The main riff in "Mississippi Tripper" is stolen directly from "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress" by The Hollies and has Sue-On taking the lead vocal while Bill does the back-up. "Satisfied" starts off as Manitoba's version of "Play That Funky Music" and then breaks down into a feel-good praise-the-lord religious hoe-down.

I didn't think I'd ever find one of their CDs so I'm quite happy with this one.. It's a perfectly fine representation of local Manitoba music in the early 1970s. It just goes to prove that the music here didn't always suck.

Hoja - Rock Paper Scissors

I'm fairly certain that this album has previously come through my hands and may be sitting in my blog queue box. Why it hasn't come been posted until now is anybody's guess, but I'm going to blame Hoja for never sending me a copy of the album for reviewing. It's all their fault.

Hoja is an acapella group, much like the Streetnix band I covered a few years back. They're not completely bad, but the singer's near inability to do falsetto is pretty laughable. The song selection is for the most part decent. "Kiss Him Goodbye" which is a mandatory cover for any acapella group (because The Nylons had a big hit with it in Canada) is included. Their cover of Billy Joel's "River of Dreams" is almost good with exception of the terrible falsetto. My only question is, who the living fuck chose to cover Jewel's "Foolish Games"? What a stupid decision that was, and the arrangement just doesn't work for this song. The happy acapella sound brings an extremely cheerful, shiny vibe to an extremely miserable, depressing song. Jewel's debut album is one of my guilty pleasures, and I hope she hunts these guys down and beats the piss out of them with their own CD for even thinking of covering this song.

Listen to Foolish Games
Listen to River of Dreams

We still have to visit the Value Village before exiting Brandon. What kind of crap will we find there? Stay tuned!