Sunday, May 31, 2009

Why Pre-marial Sex Is Bad

Thank you for joining us at the Church of Classical Gas Emissions on another fine Sunday...

When I picked up this video at the thrift store, I figured it would be some early to mid 90s Christian teens discussing their vast knowledge of why pre-marital sex is bad. How wrong I was...

It's a video of Christians with bad 1980s hairstyles and clothes making random senseless statements about why it's bad to have sex before marriage.

...and then they will fuck.

So let's review why pre-marital sex is bad...

- ????
- ???
- Emotional Problems (??)
- ?????
- The Bible Says it's wrong

Got that? Good. Now OBEY!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A Tribute to Barney Bashing

Back in the 1990s, everyone hated Barney the purple dinosaur. Well, everyone except kids 8 years old and younger. Along with websites being taken down from lawsuit threats, the whole Barney bashing trend seems to have died off. But back in the day, it was huge. I really wish I would have kept some of the images that were posted on the internet back then, like the one with Barney ripping out Baby Bop's brains. However, I did contribute to the whole fad by making a couple of mashups when the Barney Bashing fad was huge. If you'd like to hear the first one I made back in 1993, click here. Quite a feat to do this stuff WITHOUT a computer. In case you were wondering, I was 15 years old when I made that.

The Barney Fun Page

One of the first websites I visited after discovering the internet was called the Barney Fun Page. Basically, it was a game where you use various weapons to kill Barney, including a shotgun, a cannon, and running over him with a motorcycle.

I'm happy to tell you that the Barney Fun Page is still up on the internet, so you can go play it yourself! Click Here. This was made in the day when everyone used dialup, and the picture refresh wait was incredibly slow. The refresh on today's DSL and Cable connection is now at warp speed.


Before the internet was a huge thing, there was BBSes. I ran one myself. Basically, you dialed into a Sysop's computer, played door games, posted messages, and downloaded files. One of the door games floating around in the mid-90s was called "Barneysplat!" It's still floating around the net today, and it's available for free download, and I must say it's quite an addictive game. The author wrote his own tribute page to the game, and has instructions as well as a download link if you would like to try it out (note: it runs in DOS).

The basic idea behind Barneysplat! is that you are supposed to get Barney, Baby Bop, and the four kids on the TV show so drunk and stoned that they pass out or kill themselves. It's great fun, so go download it and have fun wasting an afternoon playing it!

Barney Bashing in College

Finally, I have a piece of memorabilia I recorded from a newscast. It was a piece done on a college fundraiser where students participated in Barney bashing activities. It's funny as hell!

So, I hope you enjoyed my tribute to Barney Bashing. For now, I leave you with some direct quotes from the documentation that comes with the Barneysplat game, simply because it's the most hilarious software documentation I've ever read!

I won't be liable for Peanuts (ddi you know you can get a little high by smoking Peanut shells?)! I hearby say Bye bye blue sky to all liabilities of this game. If you use it, it's your risk. I don't need a lawsuit now, I never have and never will want or need one. If you are a lawyer, isn't this unprofessional? YEAH? Good. I like it this way. really? Yes. Hey, Ever talk to yourself? Yeah, all the time... Well, anyway, if this causes a user to flip out because they are a nazi, and invite Adolph, Schlemging, and Auschwitz over to your house and if they do various things to your brain, spinal chord, body, arms, legs, feet, and money, Don't blame me...


<<>> PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS PART BEFORE EVEN ATTEMPTING TO WRITE SCRIPTS! THE SYNTAX CHECKING IS VIRTUALLY NONEXISTANT! IT WILL FUCK UP IF YOU DO NOT READ THIS DOC AND DO WHAT IT SAYS! REVIEW IT WITH A MICROSCOPE IF YOU HAVE TO! Or put a copy over your bed, and read it as you are going night-night, and have happy barneysplatting scripting dreams (what a nerd!)>>>


I am allways inventing new bonuses for registration, so this is not the only Way! So call if you are interested in free registration (HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) Anyway, if you want to register right now, just send me whatever you think this game is worth! Of course, some conceiled pipe tobacco would be much appriciated too! IF YOU PICK THIS ROUTE, PLEASE CONCEIL IT VERY WELL! parents, you know. Also, do not openly say "Here is some Pipe tobacco!" my mom likes reading my mail sometimes.arg. and let me know first.

Another alternative (prefered) is to, after checking with me, send me a copy of a tape of any trance/techno/electronic/newage music... if I do not have it, send a copy along and you will get a registration... Oh wait a minute, copying tapes is illegal.
"Please don't arrest me. I ain't doin
nothin illegal man! I'm not...."
"Shut up, son, and let's see the tapes."
"What tapes? I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't make us beat the fuck out of you with this here club, boy, show
us the fucking tapes, godammit..."
etc. sorry, had to be said.

You will receive a key..
DO NOT GIVE THIS OUT! or you will be beaten with an aluminium baseball bat.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Care Bears: Off To See The World

For the last couple years or so, I've been collecting albums by The Care Bears. Not the more recent ones released on Compact Disc, but the original Kid Stuff ones that came on LP. Why am I collecting these? Probably because I owned three of them when I was a kid. You see, I wasn't allowed to watch normal cartoons like the other kids (GI Joe, Transformers, etc) because of my strict religious upbringing. The Care Bears were one of the least violent things at the time, so it was approved listening and watching, although there were even some things questionable about it too (Wish Bear = Spiritism, Good Luck Bear = Worshipping the God of Luck.) I know it's stupid, but that's the way I was brought up.

Also, When my father was drunk and my mother had beat the shit out of me for his drinking, the Care Bears were always there for me. They took me into a land that didn't exist, and made everything happy and full of love. No wonder I was such a loner.

Most of the songs on these albums have a lot of really good hooks and the music. Regardless of the songs being very 1980s, they're quite catchy. However, this album was a drastic disappointment. The concept is retarded, and the songs REALLY suck. A lot of them are ripped off from the original GOOD songs on the previous Care Bears albums. It even failed to get a mention on the Care Bears Wikipedia Discography.

The most atrocious song on here is called "Sunny Africa". It gives me the vision of these barely clothed malnourished Africans beating on drums with bones outside of a mud hut with a topless African woman breastfeeding in the background, and then this damn Care Bear comes in singing about how happy everyone is. The lyrics for this song were pulled directly out of Sunshine Bear's ass. If you don't believe me, give it a listen yourself.

Does this not sound like it should have been left OFF the album? Anyone from Africa care to comment on this song? I'd love to hear your input.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Bad Economy

You know the economy is bad when you find an unemployed one of these...

Friday, May 8, 2009

Educational Surgery Video

Today, I came across around ten surgical videos at the thrift store. All of them looked interesting including the breast cancer one, but I wasn't about to spend $20 to purchase them all since it's likely I'll never watch them. So, I picked the one that seemed the scariest: Surgical Treatment of Carcinoma of the Rectum.

Yes, the Rectum!

The video was somewhat fascinating, although there was no footage of an actual medical procedure. However, there were some nifty diagrams of removing a tumor from an asshole.

The thing that struck me as incredibly strange were the surgeons speaking on this subject. Here's four of them:

They all look like freakin' zombies and each blinked a total of 4 or 5 times during the entire video. But then again, I'd probably be stuck in a state of shock too if I had devoted my life to poking around people's cornholes.

Speaking of poking around cornholes, here's some instruments that will likely give you nightmares (click to enlarge):

The best part about this video wasn't the zombie surgeons, the terminology, nor the graphic diagrams, it was an advertisment at the beginning of the video. If you ever wondered what a commercial directed at surgeons would look like, you're about to find out:

Yes, it's just as bizarre as the four surgeons pictured above!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Featured on MTV's DJ and the Fro... Well, maybe not.

A couple of months ago, I was contacted by a person who worked at Titmouse animation studios. They were working on a new TV show for MTV called "DJ and the Fro" and wanted to use some of the videos featured on this blog. Of course, I agreed and sent them some high quality copies of the videos. The three videos were Henrietta & Merna, Old Guy with Hurdy Gurdy, and that Smoke Free Grads video.

However, the animation studio decided that they should pursue the original copyright holders. The Public Access channel that aired Henrietta & Merna and the Hurdy Gurdy guy has been dead since the mid-90s and was bought out by evil Shaw Cable. I gave Shaw's contact information to Titmouse, but Shaw wouldn't admit to holding the copyright to these videos. Bummer.

Virtually the same thing happened with the Smoke Free Grads video, except the company who made the video is still around. They wouldn't sign the papers since nobody could remember what the video was. Go figure.

So, the videos won't be on MTV after all. I'm still flattered that my three videos were selected for the show.

BTW, the basic idea of The DJ and Fro is a modern-day Beavis and Butthead, where two co-workers swap and discuss viral video on the internet. It should be airing within the next month or so. There's still very little information about the series, but here's a quote I picked up from some website:

DJ AND THE FRO: MTV brings animation back to the network with DJ and the Fro. It’s Beavis and Butthead for the Millennial generation. DJ and the Fro work for a big corporation – though they aren’t sure exactly what the company does. Aimed at the generation that eats, sleeps and breathes technology — DJ and the Fro combines animation and the best of the web. The internet clips are arguably the stars of the show – the funniest, weirdest videos on the internet, made funnier and weirder by the observations of DJ and the Fro.

They'd probably win a Golden Globe award if Henrietta & Merna were actually on the show. Without that video, they'll probably lose to some stupid reality show.

Oh well, perhaps I'll hear something again from them for the next season!

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Dust Cake-Ridden 386

This is one of the few computers I found during the winter. The inside of it was caked in dust and it refused to turn on despite the power supply being in working order. So, the hard drive got pulled out and put into my test box. Windows 3.1 really flies at 833 MHz!

Here's something cool I found on it... Remember when looked like this?

Yeah, neither do I. It's a cached HTML file from 1996.

The computer was also packed with software, most of it being quite useless to me. However, I did find the sweet spot... the place where all documents were stored. I sat and read a few files, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing!

If you've been poking around this place for the past week or so, you may have noticed that I've created a new blog. Like all the others, this blog contains data from a computer I found in the trash. However, this one's a bit different... It's the first blog with files that were written by a male. Normally when I find a computer that belonged to a male, it's filled with porn. Not this one... it's filled with business letters, and they're mostly complaints.

So, I invite you to come along and join me in the exciting journey of Donald's Business Ventures!