Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Classical Gas Emissions Clearing House

I've been bitten by the cleaning bug as of late, and I've been clearing the house of some unwanted shit. It's ironic that I got a nifty package from Publisher's Clearing House which included a lovely postage-paid envelope. So I started digging around for shit I could mail them.

I found some kind of bible cassette that's been kicking around here doing nothing. But instead of sending them a message from God, I taped over it with some of the songs I've put on this blog. It starts off with "If Satan Was My Lover", then goes into "I'm Gonna Ride You Like a Donkey" and the rest is just more awful junk.

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to record a cassette when your computer's permanently hooked up to a cassette deck! I just tossed a bunch of shitty songs into a playlist, hit record, and let the thing record until it was done. I've got a deck with Auto-Reverse, so it records on both sides while I do something else.

Then, I decorated the cassette, wrapped it in cardboard, and tossed it in the lovely envelope. Let's hope they enjoy it!

As a side note, I've re-vamped my main computer area. I got rid of the horribly inadequate piece of shit computer desk that I've hated for the last 10 years, and replaced it with a solid wood table I found in the trash, completed by a set of drawers that were once connected to a broken antique desk.

The monstrosity to the right is my 'test' computer which can run pretty much anything. It's useful for plugging in hard drives that I find in other people's computers, playing with viruses, and trying out operating systems.

Anyway, stay tuned for a video that I've been trying to upload onto Youtube for days, but my phone line is scratchy and I'm waiting for the phone service guys to come clear that up. My internet connection is dreadful and unreliable, so nothing will be up until the weekend (or after).

Friday, July 1, 2011

Album Artwork by Women

Over the last few years that I've been running this blog, I've listened to a lot of shitty albums. There's two major things in common that I've noticed about these albums...

1) Albums recorded by a bunch of studio musicians usually contain a bad cover of "Bridge Over Troubled Water".

2) Albums recorded by women (who will never be mainstream) usually contain the song "The Rose".

I have to ask... Why these two songs? Why not "Imagine" or "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover"? Why must these two songs be butchered over and over and over again?

Anyway, enough of me rambling and onto this entry.

I've realized that I've got enough shit in queue that I can make 'themed' entries. So here's one about women who shouldn't be in charge of the artwork that goes onto their album. Let's take a look...

Linda Jones - From Me To You

She looks pretty fuckin' happy that her dad is dead. We've got a picture of pappy, his war medals, a poppy, and.... Oh shit, looks like "The Rose" is going to be on this album.

I'll give the dudes who made this album some creative credit. The inlay is printed on kodak paper and looks wonderfully glossy. Too bad the album is neither awesome nor awful, so it's not worth posting a clip.

Lara - Hope In God

I realized that I was risking the unleashing of demons by unwrapping this cassette from the cellophane it came in. LOOK AT HER. Somebody MUST be responsible for jumping on her face with a jackhammer. I suppose her 'Hope in God' is that he fixes her face when she gets to heaven.

Guess who the album artwork was done by? Jostens... The name you can trust with getting your hideous school yearbook pictures taken.

Now, just in case the songs "Fairest Lord Jesus", "Jesus Saves", "What a Friend in Jesus" and "I'd Rather have Jesus" didn't give away the content of the album, the cover explains that this is easy listening gospel music. That's a good thing, because judging by the photo of Lara, I thought it was an album about sasquatch hunting.

The music sucks. It's not even funny. It doesn't even have a cover of "The Rose" on it. We would've been better off with an album about sasquatch hunting. So yeah, no clippy from this turd either.

Tillie Harpelle - Cowboy's Sweetheart

First of all, if you're 70 years old, no cowboy's gonna want you as his sweetheart. The best you're going to get is some withered old fart with his balls bouncing around between his knees. If you're wondering why I bought this, it was REALLY the cowboy hat clipart that sold me on this album. I mean... CLIPART! Wow, man.

But this album has one thing going for it... Yodeling! It's full of yodeling songs, and this old bag pulls it off very well. Not only can Tillie yodel, but the band is also quite competent and the album actually sounds well recorded and mixed. So it's worth putting a song up for you to hear.

Listen to "Just A Yodel For Me"

She also does a cover of the song on this classic commercial.

Now that she's taught me how to yodel, my life is now complete. Now I'm off to yodel in a duet of the song "Picture" at a karaoke bar.