Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Happy Christmas with Man in Argyle

I should have put up this video at least a week ago, but I completely forgot about it until a few hours ago. THIS is the reason why I own a satellite dish. You never know what's going to come through!

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Merry Christmas from Aunt Margaret!

This is my Aunt Margaret. The best way I can describe her is... well... she's special. She likes Michael Jackson and .... well.... that's pretty much it. She also phones my parents A LOT and likes to leave messages on the answering machine.

The other day, I went over to my parents' place with my laptop in tow. My dad had saved some of the messages where she was singing songs, so I recorded them with the full intention of putting them up here for your entertainment.

And they're very entertaining!

So this is my way of wishing all my readers a Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy the soothing voice of my Aunt Margaret, and her extra-unique renditions of these popular songs.

Jingle Bells
Six Little Ducks / Frosty The Snowman
I'm Gonna Knock On Your Door / Bye Bye Love
Deck The Halls
Happy Trails

And in case you missed it, here is my Christmas appearance on Amateur Hour. There's some great stuff in there too!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Teaching Your Kids About Alcohol and Sex

Let's face it, you suck at parenting. Your kids are brats that are going to drink and fuck their way through their teenage years, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

But wait! There is a solution! Buy an album that demonstrates how to talk to your kids about alcohol and sex. This will help soothe your worried mind and teach you how to sound like an un-cool parent in the process. The audio skits will demonstrate what you will say without cussing or screaming, and how your kids will eagerly await your intelligent and level-headed answers without stomping angrily out of the room.

And then you go do it, and it transpires NOTHING like how it sounds on the recordings.

But allow us to humour you anyway...

How To Talk About Alcohol: An Audiocassette for Parents of Preteens

Dig that hip music that starts off the cassette!

"I once had some beer... I didn't like it much" said no child ever in his peer group. The conversation more likely went something like, "Yeah, I've had beer... It's pretty good!"

"Most Canadian adults drink alcohol, and most of them drink responsibly." (First Nations people were excluded from this assumption)

The whole tape sounds extremely robotic.

Kid: "Dad, have you ever been drunk?"
Dad: "The answer is yes, and I'm not proud of it. I drank too much, and I just don't do that anymore."

See how that looks in a textual context? It looks good, as if it were written by a university graduate. However, when you put voices behind the lines, it sounds like a couple of robots interacting. The fact is, university graduates lose their concept of reality by drinking themselves into a stupor after a hard day of recording terrible educational cassettes.

Anyway, I could tear apart this entire cassette, but I think you'll get more enjoyment listening to it. Or you'll be bored as hell. The next album is 100% more interesting.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

You and Your Children: Sex Instructions for your Children

There's no greater thing than to teach your kids how to have sex with each other. At least that's what the album cover was implying when I found this. The funniest thing about a record like this is how much more explicit it is in comparison to a Rusty Warren record which comes from the same era. I honestly find this more humorous and amusing than Rusty's crappy comedy albums. For instance...

Dad: "Mommy has a little opening between her legs"
Son: "Wait until I tell Nancy!"

Daughter: "You mean... you sort of... bleed???"
Mother: "Well, not exactly dear..."

Dad: "You mind if I smoke in your room?"
Son: "Why no dad! Go ahead!"
Dad: "Thanks!"

We also learn that blasting your supply of milky goodness into a woman's cooch is a "very holy" thing. When things start getting more explicit on this record, they start inserting religious jargon to cover up how extremely graphic the whole thing is. It would be so much easier if the family just rented a projector, an x-rated film, and showed that to the kids. As long as they eat crackers and drink wine while watching smut for educational purposes, all would be forgiven.

This record was annoying to transfer, mainly because there's a locking groove on each side after the first part ends. It'll sit there and chew away at your stylus until you get off your ass and move the stylus past the dead space to hear the next part. Also, there's a whole freakin' series of these records! After listening to this one, I'm tempted to go back to the thrift store and buy more of them for their 1950s 'Leave It To Beaver' dialogue.

Part 1: How Babies Are Born
Part 2: Menstruation
Part 3: Problems of Growing Boys
Part 4: Marriage Union

Since Christmas is right around the corner and I haven't made a single Christmas entry as of yet, you'll be happy to hear that I'm doing a Christmas special on Amateur Hour on December 17th. 95.9 FM Winnipeg, 5:00 PM. I'll be bringing some ghosts of Classical Gas Emissions Christmas past, and of course some Christmas future!