I should have put up this video at least a week ago, but I completely forgot about it until a few hours ago. THIS is the reason why I own a satellite dish. You never know what's going to come through!
Happy Christmas Everyone!
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Merry Christmas from Aunt Margaret!
This is my Aunt Margaret. The best way I can describe her is... well... she's special. She likes Michael Jackson and .... well.... that's pretty much it. She also phones my parents A LOT and likes to leave messages on the answering machine.
The other day, I went over to my parents' place with my laptop in tow. My dad had saved some of the messages where she was singing songs, so I recorded them with the full intention of putting them up here for your entertainment.
And they're very entertaining!
So this is my way of wishing all my readers a Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy the soothing voice of my Aunt Margaret, and her extra-unique renditions of these popular songs.
Jingle Bells
Six Little Ducks / Frosty The Snowman
I'm Gonna Knock On Your Door / Bye Bye Love
Deck The Halls
Happy Trails
And in case you missed it, here is my Christmas appearance on Amateur Hour. There's some great stuff in there too!
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Christmas Albums For Your Stinky Stockings!
Christmas is coming, so you're gonna want some super Christmas-tastic music for the giant piss-ups you're going to have during the holidays. Look no further than classicalgasemissions.com for all your Christmas music needs! We have songs by drunken irishmen, child slaves, and people who are almost dead! So sit back, get drunk, and enjoy these great songs as you pass out by the fireplace waiting for the jolly red thing to come belching out of your fallopian chimney!
Happy Birthday Jesus
Remember those Happy Birthday song cassettes you could buy that are personalized with your child's name? Well, here's one with Jesus's name on it. It doesn't even have a band credit on it, so I'm assuming it was done by some underground religious organization that forces children to sing horrible Christmas songs at gun point.
After noticing the copyright year of 1935 listed on the cassette, I did a Google search on the song. Turns out it's a pretty common song, but I've never heard it in my life. The song itself (especially the ending) reminds me of the song "E.T. I Love You" which is fitting since Jesus is basically an extra-terrestrial anyway.
Nevertheless, the song is terrible and the lyrics leave me desiring to go home with E.T. to avoid mankind's desire to record such atrocious Christian music. That's why I made it available for you to hear!
Listen to "Happy Birthday Jesus"
George Westcott - A Song For Christmas
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a drunken Irishman who decides to record his own album. How do I know he's Irish? Well first of all, his accent. Second, he's singing about Christmas in the town of Killarney. As I recall, Killarney does NOT have their own thrift store which is a damn shame because I could have found this gem years ago. Third, look at him. He LOOKS like he's ready to barf all over that mandolin.
There are two original Christmas songs on this tape, but the only one worth mentioning is "Pork Up Your Christmas". Seriously. He wrote that. The single most noteworthy line of George's writing career is contained in the lyric, "His sack is all greasy with pickle and pork." Sounds like George had a love affair with a drunken pig.
I've written about many presumably drunk artists on Classical Gas Emissions, but this one is pretty damn obvious. Let's have a little more Christmas cheer for George! Maybe he'll pass out half way through side 2 and let me have some silence!
Listen to White Christmas
Listen to "Pork Up Your Christmas"
Musical Expressions - Christmas Country Style
This album was recorded in Brandon, Manitoba, which immediately explains why it sound like it was sung by a bunch of retired wheat farmers. This album will bring warbly-voiced joy to your home, filling it with delightful odours of mothballs and old, dried, spilled Ensure meal supplements. Everyone on this album is surely 55+ and I recommend they go back to making wall pictures out of jigsaw puzzles as opposed to recording "music".
This Christmas album would have been better if they had turned on the radio pictured on the cover photo, and recorded THAT onto a CD. They could re-name the album "The Musical Expressions listen to Christmas Classics on the Radio" and it immediately eliminates the need for them to muster up their prune-filled energy to sing, nor use their Tylenol-coated joints to play instruments. Not only that, they get the recognition they want, and get to deliver quality music to their audience!
The song I'm featuring brings out everything that is awful about the album. We have a geriatric saxophone player who's embouchure is drooping as badly as his testicles, making the saxophone sound much flatter than the rest of the synthesized music. Oh, that vibrato you hear him playing? That's not intentional, he's just having a seizure from losing precious oxygen to play the damn thing. The singers come in a little over half way, and ruin the fuck out of the rest of the song. I hope they all get coal enemas for Christmas.
Listen to When Jesus Comes
Well this was a festive entry, wasn't it? Hopefully I can get in a couple more before Christmas arrives. Until then, wash your socks!
Happy Birthday Jesus
Remember those Happy Birthday song cassettes you could buy that are personalized with your child's name? Well, here's one with Jesus's name on it. It doesn't even have a band credit on it, so I'm assuming it was done by some underground religious organization that forces children to sing horrible Christmas songs at gun point.
After noticing the copyright year of 1935 listed on the cassette, I did a Google search on the song. Turns out it's a pretty common song, but I've never heard it in my life. The song itself (especially the ending) reminds me of the song "E.T. I Love You" which is fitting since Jesus is basically an extra-terrestrial anyway.
Nevertheless, the song is terrible and the lyrics leave me desiring to go home with E.T. to avoid mankind's desire to record such atrocious Christian music. That's why I made it available for you to hear!
Listen to "Happy Birthday Jesus"
George Westcott - A Song For Christmas
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a drunken Irishman who decides to record his own album. How do I know he's Irish? Well first of all, his accent. Second, he's singing about Christmas in the town of Killarney. As I recall, Killarney does NOT have their own thrift store which is a damn shame because I could have found this gem years ago. Third, look at him. He LOOKS like he's ready to barf all over that mandolin.
There are two original Christmas songs on this tape, but the only one worth mentioning is "Pork Up Your Christmas". Seriously. He wrote that. The single most noteworthy line of George's writing career is contained in the lyric, "His sack is all greasy with pickle and pork." Sounds like George had a love affair with a drunken pig.
I've written about many presumably drunk artists on Classical Gas Emissions, but this one is pretty damn obvious. Let's have a little more Christmas cheer for George! Maybe he'll pass out half way through side 2 and let me have some silence!
Listen to White Christmas
Listen to "Pork Up Your Christmas"
Musical Expressions - Christmas Country Style
This album was recorded in Brandon, Manitoba, which immediately explains why it sound like it was sung by a bunch of retired wheat farmers. This album will bring warbly-voiced joy to your home, filling it with delightful odours of mothballs and old, dried, spilled Ensure meal supplements. Everyone on this album is surely 55+ and I recommend they go back to making wall pictures out of jigsaw puzzles as opposed to recording "music".
This Christmas album would have been better if they had turned on the radio pictured on the cover photo, and recorded THAT onto a CD. They could re-name the album "The Musical Expressions listen to Christmas Classics on the Radio" and it immediately eliminates the need for them to muster up their prune-filled energy to sing, nor use their Tylenol-coated joints to play instruments. Not only that, they get the recognition they want, and get to deliver quality music to their audience!
The song I'm featuring brings out everything that is awful about the album. We have a geriatric saxophone player who's embouchure is drooping as badly as his testicles, making the saxophone sound much flatter than the rest of the synthesized music. Oh, that vibrato you hear him playing? That's not intentional, he's just having a seizure from losing precious oxygen to play the damn thing. The singers come in a little over half way, and ruin the fuck out of the rest of the song. I hope they all get coal enemas for Christmas.
Listen to When Jesus Comes
Well this was a festive entry, wasn't it? Hopefully I can get in a couple more before Christmas arrives. Until then, wash your socks!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Ben's Christmas Special 2011 Video
Two years ago, I created a Christmas video for my (then) girlfriend. I had a lot of fun making it by playing Christmas records from my collection, putting in old commercials from the 1980s, and some old video clips of me. The video turned out pretty long, and since I'm not with her anymore, she probably threw the DVD in the garbage. So, I might as well entertain somebody with it, meaning YOU!
WARNING: Contains awesome puppet work
WARNING: Contains awesome puppet work
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Christmas Boogie
Merry Christmas! Okay, so it's not Christmas yet, but I haven't written a proper blog entry in a while. So to make up for my absence, here's some stocking stuffers that you should really be stuffing somewhere else. They're all really terrible, and they're really long. If you want to ruin the festive season at your house, buy these albums.
Noogies - The Chipmunk Song
If there's something I've learned over the last few years of blogging, it's that ANYTHING can be turned into a disco song. The problem with this reality is NOTHING should be turned into a disco song.
The Chipmunks were pretty much all about Rock n' Roll ever since they put out their Beatles tribute album (which I own, along with many other albums by The Chipmunks.) However, they were most remembered for their Christmas song. In the late 1970s, a bunch of assholes known as The Noogies decided that this song needed to be discofied, and extended for over seven fucking minutes. It's dreadful and stupid.
Listen to The Chipmunk Song
Disco Christmas Party
The fine print on this 8-track says "Previously released under "Canadian Christmas" which explains why there are two labels on this 8-track, with the current one being plastered over an old one. Why? They probably discovered another shitty album called "Canadian Christmas" which most likely includes Anne Murray singing that stupid Snowbird song on it.
Christmas Disco Party is another terrible piece of trash that capitalized on the disco craze which took place from 1977 all the way until 1979. I was born in the middle of this shit which is why I own (and enjoy) a copy of Chic's Risque album. It was purchased brand new out of an 8-track cut-out bin (I chose it, dad paid for it) and I still own it to this day. While I'm completely off track with my ramblings, why don't I tell you about how much I love my satellite dish. I really love it. There's so much shitty programming to be had, and it comes from all over the world for free! I'm in television heaven. Over 200 channels with bottom-of-the-barrel garbage on them.
Speaking of bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, this disco 8-track barely has any information about the artists listed on it. All we know is they're Canadian. Maybe that's all we NEED to know. The music speaks for itself.
I've brought you the discofied version of White Christmas. What is it with people singing the lyrics off beat? Why? It doesn't make the song better, it just makes you sound like you're retarded and you missed your cue. Bing Crosby is doing the boogie in his grave. Dig that swingin' disco sound! Far out, man. Once again, it's too fucking long.
Listen to White Christmas
Dobby Dobson - Sweet Christmas
Now, we move from disco to reggae. Honestly, I have trouble telling the difference between the two genres because these three shitty albums came out in the same narrow time frame. This album should be called "Shit Christmas".
Look at the cover. Why are there apples on a pine tree? What kind of decoration is that? The lady in the picture isn't even looking at Dobby. She's too busy trying to not be embarrassed by the poorly decorated tree. "Here honey, take this gift and forget about the tree. It's a collection of my shitty reggae music on 8-track. You'll love it!"
About the album... Well, it's just as bad as the others. Again, it seems to be the cool trend to sing out of time with the music. Dobby does it for the entire song which is again way too fucking long. A Christmas song is best left short, like a painful little fart which one can recover from in a couple of minutes. Instead of farting, all three of these musicians who contributed to this blog entry has shit their pants, let it run down their leg, and has allowed it to leave a trail all over the dance floor. And you the listeners get to step in it, slip in it, fall, and let the stench of shitty Christmas music surround your life for, what, twenty minutes?
While we're making the habit of wandering off topic, last night my girlfriend was shopping for a new winter jacket. I was in charge of protecting her old jacket while she tried some new ones on. They were playing Michael Bubble's crappy Christmas album. I had nothing better to do, so I held one arm of my girlfriend's jacket, and waltzed around the store to the shittiest Christmas music of the new millenium. Well, at least I had fun.
So to wrap up the music and this poorly written blog entry, here's Dobby Dobson and Ringo (not Starr) singing off beat for six whole minutes.
Listen to Mary's Boy Child
And that's it! I actually had another Christmas disco album, but it's in French and not quite as interesting as these others. And now, I need to get back to dealing with the trash that's been polluting my life over the past couple months. See you on the other side of the dump!
Noogies - The Chipmunk Song
If there's something I've learned over the last few years of blogging, it's that ANYTHING can be turned into a disco song. The problem with this reality is NOTHING should be turned into a disco song.
The Chipmunks were pretty much all about Rock n' Roll ever since they put out their Beatles tribute album (which I own, along with many other albums by The Chipmunks.) However, they were most remembered for their Christmas song. In the late 1970s, a bunch of assholes known as The Noogies decided that this song needed to be discofied, and extended for over seven fucking minutes. It's dreadful and stupid.
Listen to The Chipmunk Song
Disco Christmas Party
The fine print on this 8-track says "Previously released under "Canadian Christmas" which explains why there are two labels on this 8-track, with the current one being plastered over an old one. Why? They probably discovered another shitty album called "Canadian Christmas" which most likely includes Anne Murray singing that stupid Snowbird song on it.
Christmas Disco Party is another terrible piece of trash that capitalized on the disco craze which took place from 1977 all the way until 1979. I was born in the middle of this shit which is why I own (and enjoy) a copy of Chic's Risque album. It was purchased brand new out of an 8-track cut-out bin (I chose it, dad paid for it) and I still own it to this day. While I'm completely off track with my ramblings, why don't I tell you about how much I love my satellite dish. I really love it. There's so much shitty programming to be had, and it comes from all over the world for free! I'm in television heaven. Over 200 channels with bottom-of-the-barrel garbage on them.
Speaking of bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, this disco 8-track barely has any information about the artists listed on it. All we know is they're Canadian. Maybe that's all we NEED to know. The music speaks for itself.
I've brought you the discofied version of White Christmas. What is it with people singing the lyrics off beat? Why? It doesn't make the song better, it just makes you sound like you're retarded and you missed your cue. Bing Crosby is doing the boogie in his grave. Dig that swingin' disco sound! Far out, man. Once again, it's too fucking long.
Listen to White Christmas
Dobby Dobson - Sweet Christmas
Now, we move from disco to reggae. Honestly, I have trouble telling the difference between the two genres because these three shitty albums came out in the same narrow time frame. This album should be called "Shit Christmas".
Look at the cover. Why are there apples on a pine tree? What kind of decoration is that? The lady in the picture isn't even looking at Dobby. She's too busy trying to not be embarrassed by the poorly decorated tree. "Here honey, take this gift and forget about the tree. It's a collection of my shitty reggae music on 8-track. You'll love it!"
About the album... Well, it's just as bad as the others. Again, it seems to be the cool trend to sing out of time with the music. Dobby does it for the entire song which is again way too fucking long. A Christmas song is best left short, like a painful little fart which one can recover from in a couple of minutes. Instead of farting, all three of these musicians who contributed to this blog entry has shit their pants, let it run down their leg, and has allowed it to leave a trail all over the dance floor. And you the listeners get to step in it, slip in it, fall, and let the stench of shitty Christmas music surround your life for, what, twenty minutes?
While we're making the habit of wandering off topic, last night my girlfriend was shopping for a new winter jacket. I was in charge of protecting her old jacket while she tried some new ones on. They were playing Michael Bubble's crappy Christmas album. I had nothing better to do, so I held one arm of my girlfriend's jacket, and waltzed around the store to the shittiest Christmas music of the new millenium. Well, at least I had fun.
So to wrap up the music and this poorly written blog entry, here's Dobby Dobson and Ringo (not Starr) singing off beat for six whole minutes.
Listen to Mary's Boy Child
And that's it! I actually had another Christmas disco album, but it's in French and not quite as interesting as these others. And now, I need to get back to dealing with the trash that's been polluting my life over the past couple months. See you on the other side of the dump!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Laura & Christine's Christmas Tape
I've been wanting to get one more entry up before Christmas, but I've been really busy. Part of it was making a crazy-ass home video for my girlfriend (which convinced me that I REALLY should have my own TV station) and of course the usual wrapping of gifts, shopping, ramming irritating people out of the way with 3-pack tubes of Christmas wrap, getting thrown out of Walmart, boycotting Walmart, and panhandling to pay the loitering fine that I got.
Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.
So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:
Listen to The Chipmunk Song
Download the entire tape here!
Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!
Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.
So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:
Listen to The Chipmunk Song
Download the entire tape here!
Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Macarena Christmas Album
Macarena ANYTHING is awful.
The Macarena came out when I was in high school. It was played about five times during every high school dance and five billion times everywhere else. For the entire year, the Macarena ruled the airwaves. Eventually, this bad fart of a song dissipated. The plug was pulled faster than Milli Vanilli's grammy was reclaimed.
Everyone tried to cash in on this fucking song. It seems that nobody held the copyright to it, so Macarena everyfuckingthing flooded the store shelves. Mass production went into releasing instruction videos, more instruction videos, and a few other instruction videos. Also on the shelves were non-stop Macarena dance CDs. Seventy-two minutes of non-stop Macarena! At Christmas time (although I can't verify it) we had animatronic Macarena Santa Claus. And then there was this piece of shit album buried in the pile somewhere.
I'm surprised I found a copy of this. I didn't think ANYBODY would be stupid enough to buy something this dumb. This is the WORST Christmas album I own. Even Khool Yule is better than this. There's four songs on it:
1) Macarena Christmas (16:37)
2) Macarena Christmas Instrumental (16:38)
3) Reggae Christmas (14:36)
4) Macarena Christmas Radio Version (4:26)
The only reason "Macarena Christmas Instrumental" exists is for filler. You can't sell a $12 compact disc with just one 16 minute track, so you fill over half the CD with the same piece of garbage repeated twice, except the second time is even more boring than the first.
And who the hell is Los Navedinos? Probably just some fucking cheap-imitation Puertoricans who wanted to cash in with their non-existent nationality and a shitty song.
Since it's Christmas and I don't hate you enough to post the 16 minute version, I'm posting the radio version. The funny thing about the radio version is that NO RADIO STATION ON EARTH was going to play Macarena Christmas done by a couple of shithead imitation puertoricans who happen to be friends of some loser studio musicians.
blung diddy blung diddy blung Macarena
Pleb pleb pleb plab glung glung flabakina
blung dit pla plung gling gling Macarena
HEY Downaloada!!!
At a reader's request, here is the 16 minute version. I guess I hate you after all.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A Ukrainian Christmas with Metro
I've been meaning to put this album up ever since I started this blog. Metro's Eleven Days From Christmas is a Canadian Christmas album done by a Ukrainian guy who plays the Kazoo. All of these Christmas songs are parodies done with a Ukrainian flavor, and they're pretty funny!
This album has been sadly out-of-print either since it's original release in 1975, or since Singwell Records went belly up. It's a favorite of mine to play during the holiday season, and now it can be yours too!
Listen to Christmas Song
Download The Entire Album!
As an after-thought, I figured it would be a good idea to make a Christmas jukebox for this time of year containing some of the bizarre Christmas songs I own, but I really don't have the time for it before Christmas. Perhaps I'll make this a goal for next year.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Christmas with the Public Access Puppet Lady
Jesus is the reason for the season! If you don't believe me, just ask this lady and her puppet:
On this Public Access TV show, this lady and her puppets have very involved conversations about what it means to be a Christian. As for her puppetry skills, I could personally control a puppet better with my dick. Not only that, her squeaky puppet voice is enough to send dogs into severe panic.
But it's Christmas, and we should be praising the Lord instead of talking about dicks and puppets. So, let us join the Puppet Lady in song, and remember what Christmas is all about. It's about old women who can't sing, and old men who wear ugly green shirts. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G8reRPOoiw
On this Public Access TV show, this lady and her puppets have very involved conversations about what it means to be a Christian. As for her puppetry skills, I could personally control a puppet better with my dick. Not only that, her squeaky puppet voice is enough to send dogs into severe panic.
But it's Christmas, and we should be praising the Lord instead of talking about dicks and puppets. So, let us join the Puppet Lady in song, and remember what Christmas is all about. It's about old women who can't sing, and old men who wear ugly green shirts. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G8reRPOoiw
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I'm Dreaming Of a Low-Budget Christmas Album
....and I got one:
Archie Wood and his Friends Christmas Album
This album was essentially created by four people:
Bob Swartz: All vocals and voices
Agnes Forsythe: Creepy Organ Player
G. L. Bazin: Recording (the guy with a tape recorder)
Gil Savoie: Album Cover (the guy with a camera)
And that's it. The Album sounds as good as four people can make it sound, even though the camera guy didn't do squat except take the picture. The record was pressed and distributed by nobody. The only identifying mark on the record label is "E-500-A" which leads me to believe that the production was done by a robot. Perhaps it was done by Robbie the turkey-eating robot whom is mentioned on the album.
This album (unlike the Funtown album) has all original recordings. Not a sped-up Anne Murray song in sight.
Anyway, here's Uncle Bob playing the part of Petite the dog, singing "Frosty the Snowman". Petite wasn't squeezing her balls hard enough because she's flat on the high notes.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!
And if you'd like to hear the entire thing (I doubt it), the whole thing is available for download on the Christmas Yuleblog.
Also, please forgive me for being a bit sluggish with the entries. After all, it is Christmas and I'm busy as hell trying to make it a good one :)
Archie Wood and his Friends Christmas Album
This album was essentially created by four people:
Bob Swartz: All vocals and voices
Agnes Forsythe: Creepy Organ Player
G. L. Bazin: Recording (the guy with a tape recorder)
Gil Savoie: Album Cover (the guy with a camera)
And that's it. The Album sounds as good as four people can make it sound, even though the camera guy didn't do squat except take the picture. The record was pressed and distributed by nobody. The only identifying mark on the record label is "E-500-A" which leads me to believe that the production was done by a robot. Perhaps it was done by Robbie the turkey-eating robot whom is mentioned on the album.
This album (unlike the Funtown album) has all original recordings. Not a sped-up Anne Murray song in sight.
Anyway, here's Uncle Bob playing the part of Petite the dog, singing "Frosty the Snowman". Petite wasn't squeezing her balls hard enough because she's flat on the high notes.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!
And if you'd like to hear the entire thing (I doubt it), the whole thing is available for download on the Christmas Yuleblog.
Also, please forgive me for being a bit sluggish with the entries. After all, it is Christmas and I'm busy as hell trying to make it a good one :)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Christmas with Box Lunch
Here is another band who made it onto "Johnny Sizzle's Entertainment Watch." This video is from Christmas 1991. Box Lunch is like a really low-budget Iron Maiden. The bass player faithfully follows the lead guitar player in most of the songs, and the singer kinda looks like a cross between Axl Rose and Bruce Dickinson. However, I couldn't imagine either one of them writing a goofy song like this:
Yes, it's a heavy metal song about Eggnog. Here's the lyric sheet in both English and French:
With the exception of the extremely silly Eggnog song, Box Lunch actually wrote some decent stuff. The singer wasn't fantastic, but the hooky choruses made up for his extremely repetitive singing style.
Within three years, Box Lunch got themselves a record deal. Now, here's how they fuck it all up...
They got rid of great songs like "Eggnog" and every other song they performed on that Johnny Sizzle episode, they booted out the singer (the bass player took over on vocals), they wrote some shitty new songs, made some cool artwork, photocopied it, and stuck it on the album cover. Then, they gave it a retarded, unmemorable album title, and mass produced it through a little company called "En Guard Records".
Thus, "The Rock Box, The Pebble Pusher, A Pitbull" was born:
I'm not shitting you, this is what the album cover looks like on the glossy insert paper.
When I bought this album last summer at a garage sale for $1, I was quite anxious to hear it. After listening to a few songs, I shut it off. With songs such as "Begginnerring Boss", "2 Chord Jazz", and "2 Chord Twang", you know you're going to shut it off before reaching the end.
The album sucks camel balls. If you don't believe me, click here to listen to "Ern's New Vocation" from the CD.
I have no clue when Box Lunch disbanded, but judging from how terrible this album is, it probably wasn't too long after it was recorded and released. It's a shame they didn't make this album when they were at their tightest back in 1991 when "Eggnog" was destined for the.... well, not the charts, but at least it was interestingly stupid.
If you want to hear the more serious side of Box Lunch (and emphasize how crappy their album was), here's another track from the Johnny Sizzle episode (audio only)
Yes, it's a heavy metal song about Eggnog. Here's the lyric sheet in both English and French:
With the exception of the extremely silly Eggnog song, Box Lunch actually wrote some decent stuff. The singer wasn't fantastic, but the hooky choruses made up for his extremely repetitive singing style.
Within three years, Box Lunch got themselves a record deal. Now, here's how they fuck it all up...
They got rid of great songs like "Eggnog" and every other song they performed on that Johnny Sizzle episode, they booted out the singer (the bass player took over on vocals), they wrote some shitty new songs, made some cool artwork, photocopied it, and stuck it on the album cover. Then, they gave it a retarded, unmemorable album title, and mass produced it through a little company called "En Guard Records".
Thus, "The Rock Box, The Pebble Pusher, A Pitbull" was born:
I'm not shitting you, this is what the album cover looks like on the glossy insert paper.
When I bought this album last summer at a garage sale for $1, I was quite anxious to hear it. After listening to a few songs, I shut it off. With songs such as "Begginnerring Boss", "2 Chord Jazz", and "2 Chord Twang", you know you're going to shut it off before reaching the end.
The album sucks camel balls. If you don't believe me, click here to listen to "Ern's New Vocation" from the CD.
I have no clue when Box Lunch disbanded, but judging from how terrible this album is, it probably wasn't too long after it was recorded and released. It's a shame they didn't make this album when they were at their tightest back in 1991 when "Eggnog" was destined for the.... well, not the charts, but at least it was interestingly stupid.
If you want to hear the more serious side of Box Lunch (and emphasize how crappy their album was), here's another track from the Johnny Sizzle episode (audio only)
Saturday, December 13, 2008
A Christmas Gift from Henrietta & Merna
It's that time again, time for me to write a Christmas entry (or two if I have time). You may remember last year when I brought you highlights from the album "Shit Yule" which of course brought joy and suffering to the ears of many. Well, not much has changed this year...
This time around, I'm bringing you another video from my collection of Public Access TV shows. Not sure what this show was called, but a very zealous, enthusiastic Christian lady is wishing all her viewers a Merry Christmas, and is helping us celebrate the birth of Jesus by having Henrietta and Merna sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain". I'm sure Jesus has forgiven these two for causing many to change the channel in search of a non-Christian TV program solely to have their ears relieved of such torture. After all, Jesus understands what torture is like.
Update Dec 22/08:
Ever since I posted this video just over a week ago, it has spread around the internet like a contageous venerial flu and has recieved some nice youtube honors. Here's a handful of my favorite comments posted on various sites & blogs:
Borstalboy:
Now THIS is the kind of Christmastime enthusiasm I expect from the Bible belt! You GO, girls!
PalJoey:
I may convert. But to WHAT?
Reginald Tresilian:
They found Jesus--and are obviously bitter about it.
anthony:
damn that bass has some FUNK
Kidcobra:
Most of all though, I'm loving that bitch on the far right. Merna, is it? Though she clearly looks like she's having the time of her life, I sense she would much, MUCH rather be downing whiskey chasers at a frat
thedarkbackward:
The hot little minx on the right would look great chained to a radiator.
Update Dec 28/08
Here's a fun happy remix from Calpernia:
By popular demand, here's a couple of updated pictures of Merna:
By popular demand, here's a couple of updated pictures of Merna:
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Album Review: Khool Yule - Khool and Friends
Before I get to the album review, I just want to clear up the item that I was hoping to have in my hands that I had mentioned in my last blog entry. It was a roll of film I found in a thrift store that I had developed. Unfortunately, the negatives look black until they're held up to light. I'll try and pull some images from them, but I make no promises.
Now that that's out of the way, I present the album Khool Yule by Khool and Friends which I bought still sealed at a thrift store for 25 cents.
A better title for this album would be "Shit Yule" because it's determined to kill and destroy any Christmas spirit you may have. The songs suck, and there's really bad commentary inbetween tracks, which I will post for your listening pleasure. I'm apologizing to my poor Onkyo deck which had the unfortunate experience of processing the output of this lousy excuse for a holiday treat.
Here's the songs:
01) Have A Real Khool Yule
This sounds like a really bad Milli Vanilli rip-off. Perhaps these guys should've killed themselves instead of that one guy from Milli Vanilli. At least they (almost) got to keep their grammy.
02) Joy To the World
This song was highly unrecognizable when it first came on. It sounds like a bad Debbie Gibson nightmare. Definately worthy of getting out of your chair to hit fast forward.
03) Give Them The Gift
Hey, this kinda sounds like Motown Philly by Boyz II Men. But these guys aren't as cool as Boyz II Men (and that's pretty pathetic). It's more like Men II Pansies.
04) Wonderful
This is the only decent song on the album because it sounds like Tiffany. But Tiffany was cool, and she would probably kick this chick's ass.
05) It's Christmas Time
OH NO! Not Christmas Rappin! In case you haven't guessed yet, this is a Christian tape. What's worse than Christian music? Christian RAP music otherwise known as C.RAP. Have I told you that this album REALLY sucks? I'm not through the first side yet, and I wanna tape over it just because owning this music is wrong on too many levels.
06) What Child Is This?
Apparently it was a rejected child. This is yet another Christmas Classic that is almost completely unidentifiable because the arrangement is shit. Reminds me of that 80s band Debarge, but this piece of crap shouldn't even be compared to a band who at least had one good song.
07) O Come, O Come Emmanuel
Who the hell is Emmanuel? Yeah, that's a real good thing to stick on a Christmas album. "When I think of Christmas, I think of Emmanuel". I personally think of my
neighbour Stephanie myself. She left her curtains open one too many times while she was giving away some holiday cheer. Anyway, enough of that. This song sounds like a bad Mariah Carey impersonator with Kenny G thrown in for that nice saxophone solo. I can guarantee Emmanuel is spinning in his grave like a slot machine.
08) Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Even though I'm not religious, this is one of my favorite Christmas songs. To completely destroy the little respect I had for this album, not only is it another bad Milli Vanilli rip-off, but the singer is that fucking irritating bastard who has been providing commentary between the songs.
09) Silent Night! Holy Night! / The First Noel
Oh great. Not only does it sound like Backstreet Boys, it's got the musicians from New Kids on the Block. NEXT PLEASE.
10) Have A Real Khool Yule (Reprise)
Yeah, like I needed to hear this again.
Anyway, here's a recording of the commentary and short clips of the songs. Feel free to shut it off when you've had enough.
Click Here to Listen!
So in conclusion, I give this album 0.5 out of five stars. I got the 0.5 from that Tiffany-ish song and the cover is kinda neat. But this album became outdated in 1989 (pretty bad considering it was released in 1991).
If you would like to buy a copy of Shit Yule, click here or buy the copy that's going for $4.99 on Ebay right now.
Now that that's out of the way, I present the album Khool Yule by Khool and Friends which I bought still sealed at a thrift store for 25 cents.
A better title for this album would be "Shit Yule" because it's determined to kill and destroy any Christmas spirit you may have. The songs suck, and there's really bad commentary inbetween tracks, which I will post for your listening pleasure. I'm apologizing to my poor Onkyo deck which had the unfortunate experience of processing the output of this lousy excuse for a holiday treat.
Here's the songs:
01) Have A Real Khool Yule
This sounds like a really bad Milli Vanilli rip-off. Perhaps these guys should've killed themselves instead of that one guy from Milli Vanilli. At least they (almost) got to keep their grammy.
02) Joy To the World
This song was highly unrecognizable when it first came on. It sounds like a bad Debbie Gibson nightmare. Definately worthy of getting out of your chair to hit fast forward.
03) Give Them The Gift
Hey, this kinda sounds like Motown Philly by Boyz II Men. But these guys aren't as cool as Boyz II Men (and that's pretty pathetic). It's more like Men II Pansies.
04) Wonderful
This is the only decent song on the album because it sounds like Tiffany. But Tiffany was cool, and she would probably kick this chick's ass.
05) It's Christmas Time
OH NO! Not Christmas Rappin! In case you haven't guessed yet, this is a Christian tape. What's worse than Christian music? Christian RAP music otherwise known as C.RAP. Have I told you that this album REALLY sucks? I'm not through the first side yet, and I wanna tape over it just because owning this music is wrong on too many levels.
06) What Child Is This?
Apparently it was a rejected child. This is yet another Christmas Classic that is almost completely unidentifiable because the arrangement is shit. Reminds me of that 80s band Debarge, but this piece of crap shouldn't even be compared to a band who at least had one good song.
07) O Come, O Come Emmanuel
Who the hell is Emmanuel? Yeah, that's a real good thing to stick on a Christmas album. "When I think of Christmas, I think of Emmanuel". I personally think of my
neighbour Stephanie myself. She left her curtains open one too many times while she was giving away some holiday cheer. Anyway, enough of that. This song sounds like a bad Mariah Carey impersonator with Kenny G thrown in for that nice saxophone solo. I can guarantee Emmanuel is spinning in his grave like a slot machine.
08) Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Even though I'm not religious, this is one of my favorite Christmas songs. To completely destroy the little respect I had for this album, not only is it another bad Milli Vanilli rip-off, but the singer is that fucking irritating bastard who has been providing commentary between the songs.
09) Silent Night! Holy Night! / The First Noel
Oh great. Not only does it sound like Backstreet Boys, it's got the musicians from New Kids on the Block. NEXT PLEASE.
10) Have A Real Khool Yule (Reprise)
Yeah, like I needed to hear this again.
Anyway, here's a recording of the commentary and short clips of the songs. Feel free to shut it off when you've had enough.
Click Here to Listen!
So in conclusion, I give this album 0.5 out of five stars. I got the 0.5 from that Tiffany-ish song and the cover is kinda neat. But this album became outdated in 1989 (pretty bad considering it was released in 1991).
If you would like to buy a copy of Shit Yule, click here or buy the copy that's going for $4.99 on Ebay right now.
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