Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Happy Happy Happy New Year Song

Ted Meseyton (whoever the hell he is) entered a song writing contest by writing this timeless-sounding classic. Well, I can only assume he submitted it. If this was the cassette to be submitted, I doubt it made it to the contest because I found it in a box of crap someone threw in the trash, along with the Unicity Taxi video I posted a while back.

I hate this song. The trash was a good place for it.

Download it here.

Ted, you sound like you're really old. Please find something better to do with your retirement. Take up jigsaw puzzles or peeing in your wheelchair.

And on that note, we've pissed away yet another year on Classical Gas Emissions. Make way for 2012 which will have yet ANOTHER Armageddon threat, and more posts about junk I find. See you all in the happy happy happy new year!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Laura & Christine's Christmas Tape

I've been wanting to get one more entry up before Christmas, but I've been really busy. Part of it was making a crazy-ass home video for my girlfriend (which convinced me that I REALLY should have my own TV station) and of course the usual wrapping of gifts, shopping, ramming irritating people out of the way with 3-pack tubes of Christmas wrap, getting thrown out of Walmart, boycotting Walmart, and panhandling to pay the loitering fine that I got.

Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.

So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:

Listen to The Chipmunk Song

Download the entire tape here!

Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Killing Plenty of Fish - Part One

About a year and a half ago, I found myself single again. It's not that I can't go out and meet women in person, but I can't do that when I'm working out of town or bored on a Sunday night. So to fill in some time during these off-hours, I made a Plenty Of Fish profile. I've had a little success off it, but nothing that classifies as "plenty of fish". I couldn't help but wonder what things were like on the female side of the coin, so I created a female profile. NOW I know why it's called "Plenty Of Fish". The fish are male sharks with raging hard peckers, looking to stalk and fuck anything that crosses their eyes.

Initially, I didn't respond to the 10+ messages I was getting per day. But over time, it was just to irresistible. I never knew how disgustingly desperate the men of the world are. So I began to interact and poke fun at them for their desperation, their use of netspeak, and the misuse of the acronym "lol".

I saved the best conversations for your reading pleasure. There was so much that I decided to break it up into two post. Without further ado, meet my alter-ego: Annabelle the bitch.


Him: haw are u i hope u are ok
so i'm looking for somone ho want have a god time and enjoy with him
if u are intersted text me that is

Her: Your piss-poor engrish is hilarious!

Him: yes i now because i'm new i speak french and spanish

Her: I want you to give me instructions on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Her: Where did you go? Message me!!!

Him: i don't now how to sey it to you sorry

Her: Please? For me? I think you're cute :)
Her: You eres un hombre dulce, pero haven respondió

Him: u to are a beautiful and i like u more than u so if u want
to meet me i have all time for u baby just say yes and i
will be yours a wana have some fun with u that all

Her: No problem, but first you still need to tell me how to make that sandwich.

Him: hi there

Her: Dude, I can't date you if you can't even fucking listen to me.


Him: i am not a creep, i am a normal guy. fyi my name is chris. r u orginally from wpg.?

Her: What makes you 'not a creep'?

Him: cause i aint lookin for a **** or a one night stand . i am looking to meet someone that has time to spend with me and get to know one another. hopefully if things were right to take it to the next level. i basically just want some one to love me again. and well..... me love them back.thats it i aint hard to please.

Her: Get a dog

Him: that was a little uncalled for i am a single dad tryin to raise my boys all alone in an already tuff world. just opening up my heart. and u have to make some smart ass remark why? but whatever i hope u have a great evening.

Her: Good, I don't need a big baby for a boyfriend.

Him: whoa! i aint no suck. i am a mans man no worries there! i kinda like u already your kinda a challenge, lol

Her: Then why are you whining like my best friend when she's off her meds?

Him: lmaoo was meaning to whine. just telling you like it is. oh fyi bounus, i dont take meds. lol so instead of being mean what else do ya do? and dont be snotty with me be real. i can tell by your eyes you aint a **** at all.

Her: You can't tell shit by my eyes.


Him: daaaaaaaam ;)

Her: Go buy a new keyboard. Yours is broken.

Him: lmao nope thats my heart lol

Her: Getting electrocuted might fix that

Him: your just a charmer eh lmao :P

Her: You're not

Him: you always this happy? lol

Her: Yes

Him: wow so whats wrong?

Her: Nothing

Him: lmao want me to stop messaging you?

Her: Sure

Him: lol your wish is my command ;) happy fishing


Him: Hello there. How is life treating you?

Her: Fine

Him: It's funny, I used to put "shiny things, wicker, sirens" as interests. But too many people were taking it literally.

Her: Poor you.

Him: Well it wasn't so much poor me. It was more so a result of my overestimation of the intellectual capabilities of the average person. I know realize that there are many 'simple' people out there who have trouble grasping concepts that I take for granted and who reply to others on POF using one or two word responses, as a result of their limited attention span.

-- You have been blocked by this user. Find someone else... --


Him: hello, my name is justin, hows it going? wanna chat and get to know eachother?

Her: No

Him: oh. why not?

Her: You look creepy


Him: Hi how are you doing?

Her: Fine

Him: thats good.. whats your fav tv shows?

Her: Ellen

Him: cool mine too lol

Her: Liar

Him: lol i did lie but i didnt tend to make it like i was lying

Her: I don't like liars.

Him: lol. me eeiher but i was just trying to be funny cause im not sure what guys likes ellen

Her: You were ready to, just to impress me

Him: i have to try somewhere cause my looks dont get me far jk lol

Her: That's for sure


Him: Hey, you seem like a sweet down to earth lady. Give me the chance to get to know you
and I am sure you appreciate my friendship. If your interested in making another
friend, iam here to listen.

Her: That's nice

Him: It is, isn't it? :) So iam pretty new to this website and
iam pretty outgoing at trying to find new friends on here.
I am not one to play games or string you along, my
intentions is to meet new people and see what they are
like. I have several good friends, guys and girls that i
hang with already and I would like to broaden that horizon.
If your interested I would love to offer you a chance to
come out for wings/hockey game or something along that line
or we can chat more. Up to you really.

Her: I hate hockey

Him: It was just a suggesting, it would help me if you would be
glad to share some of you enjoyments.
Wait, do you hate wings to?

Her: Depends

Him: Of course. Anyways it was nice talking to u.

Her: It was?

Him: Not really. I think you having enjoyment out of these two
word replies plus, its a little more annoying when you
declined to chat which continues these 2 word replies.
Anyways, if you don't have much more to say, I won't
continue to ask.

Her: Okay

Him: Okay then :) Nice talking with you.

Her: You just lied to me again. You're a jerk.

Him: Well it is true i wasn't enjoying the 1 word replies but
now iam actually enjoying this a little. How did i lie to
you the first time?

Her: You told me you enjoyed chatting with me, and you weren't.

Him: Well, the chatting is sorta interesting now. I still don't
understand you that much. I think you like to poke fun,
which is good, but not all the time.
Do you like chatting with me?

Her: I can't believe anything you say, so it's kinda pointless now.

Him: I am sorry to disappoint you then. On a side note, how was
your day?

Her: Fine

(one month later)

Him: I miss talking to you! How are you doing?

Her: Oh... you're that lying bastard. I'd forgotten about you.

Him: You hold me in such high esteem. I am amazed.

Her: You shouldn't be

Him: Your right i am not that amazed. Just curious how our
virtual relationship got so out of hand.
You interested and having a few margaritas at pony to
discuss it?

Her: No, you'll probably show up at Boston Pizza or some shit.


Him: Hhows it goin what types of wrkouts do you do

Her: I use punctuation and good spelling to make my sentences more attractive. You?

Him: Well, usually i use better grammar. Usually people say, why do u spell
the whole word when u are texting? Sorry for offendinding you, i
meant to be as attractive as i could.

Her: Did you sneeze when you typed "offendinding"?


Him: Hi how's your evening going?

Her: Fine

Him: lol you don't sound happy to be chatting with me

Her: Nope

Him: y?

Her: z

Him: wtf

Her: lol


Him: Your pretty

Her: You're not.

Him: Wow that's fucking rude

Her: No, it's fucking honest.


Him: Where do I sign up? :)

Her: For what?

Him: You asked where your Knight is, and I'm responding to the question.
Although, I should probably mention that I'm without a horse at the moment, but I'm pretty good without it. All the other prerequisites are met, shiny armor and all that.

Her: You're a pretty crappy knight if you don't have a horse. What do you use? A tricycle?

Him: I'm in an apartment and the landlord doesn't allow pets, and the neighbours would complain because the hay in front of my door. So I had to become a modern knight, but once a knight always a knight!
I must say that I don't appreciate the remark about a tricycle. As a matter of fact, it's been quite some time since I got used to my training wheels.
Him: And on the other hand, while you're questioning my knightly credibility, there are requirements that need to be met by you too. How do I know you are a Lady in need of a knight?

Her: Because there's too many shit heads on this site. I need you to go kill some of them.

Him: We'll I told you knights are rare, chivalry is almost dead.
And that's a little harsh, it can't be that bad, can it?
What happened?

Her: I swear every guy on here wanks to my picture, gets cream all over their keyboard, and they can't spell because the keys don't work anymore

Him: Gross.
Is it the one with hay?
Anyway, changing the subject...
My name's Ogi, what's yours?
And what would you like to do in health care? I am currently making my way into it, in university.

Her: Where the hell did you get that name?

Him: Where did I get it? Most likely in the hospital, when I was born. It's not my full name, just a short version.
Where did you get your name, and what is it?

Her: I got my name from my dead aunt who got murdered by being run over by a tractor.

Him: Who was behind the wheel

Her: My uncle Louis

Him: Like in the song: Louie, Louie...
So, how bored are you exactly?

Her: That wasn't very nice

Him: Really? What do you mean?

Her: It was an accident and comparing it to a dumb old song about a sailor is disrespectful

Him: Are you saying that it actually happened?

Her: No duhhh.


Him: hey beautiful hows it going

Her: Not too bad, ugly


Him: Hey there prettyanna23, Very beautiful picture. You're stunning!
I must say i'm pretty skeptical about this whole site :(
But I'm not really into the club scene, and i don't just go
hang out alone at places to meet people haha.

I'd like to find out a little bit about you.
What do you do for fun? Have you always lived in Winnipeg??
What's your favorite Movie? How has your summer been?? :)

I'm sure you have a lot of messages on this site to sift through,
but here goes my attempt at catching your attention :)

Allow me to introduce myself :)
I don't really want to write a
novel but here we go. My names Jerry
and I'm just looking to meet new fun
people to talk to, chill with and see how
things go. I'm a good old country boy that
now resides in the city .I love to play
guitar, write songs, and sing. I'm 6'4 athletic, brown
hair. I enjoy working out, outdoor activities,
movies, cuddling and music, not a bad dancer, but not spectacular. Maybe you could
show me lol. Id like to chat
more you if you'd like to chat. Hope to hear
from you :)

I'm just looking for a cool girl :) As mentioned
earlier, i'm really
not sure about this site for a lot of reasons.
I've read a lot of profiles but ive been signed up mostly for
humourous reasons, but i figured i'd message you.
Because I'm really out of the bar scene. It
sucks. I do go to bars once in a while if I
need to... This also makes it harder to find someone,
so why not try plenty of fish lol.
If i find something great, if not, maybe i'll
meet some cool new people to slam a few dozen beers with
when the occasion presents itself haha

I'm just looking for somebody to hang out
with, watch movies, workout with, go to
dinners, dancing and enjoy life. I hope I
hear from you! I think a cool first date
would be to grab a drink, maybe go
rollerblading, skating or bowling. Follow it
up with an evening stroll, then grab a bite
to eat, and go for a nice casual drive. All
geared towards allowing us to chat and get
to know each other. Although later on after
we know each other better a little cuddling
with a movie would be a nice change to
throw into the mix once in a while.

I guess i've said enough haha. I hope to hear from you :)
Are you on Facebook? I'm not on here very often

Oh and if you read this far congrats :p I'm also a singer

(youtube link to country music video)

Her: You expect me to read all that shit?

Him: Guess not

Her: lol

Him: :) night

Her: I watched some of your video. I forgot how much I hate country music.

Him: Well arent you happy lol

Her: That wasn't very happy music

Him: Nice meeting yah. Good luck fishing :)

Her: Sure


Him: whats up sexy

Her: Not much, creepy.


Him: I am ryan. How is pof?

Her: Shitty

Him: We can change that. I had a horrible expierence off here. Ur pretty btw

Her: You're not

Him: Lol ouch. I like it..

Her: That's good. You should stick your face in a blender and make it worse.

Him: I might. U will be an accomplice to suicide.

Her: Nope. Totally innocent.

Him: U think so. Try me. Tell me to do it again. Ur no prize.

Her: Got that right


Him: hi how r you

Her: Fine

Him: me to lol

Her: What's so funny?

Him: i dont no

Her: Then why were you lol?

Him: i ask you how r you you tolmi fean
Him: soory maerading eglish es so so you r beautiful

Her: Did you just slam your head on the keyboard?

Him: no i kaent raed eglish good

Her: Yeah right

Him: no iam from macedonia skoje iam ny her en canada 5
Him: ok her es me ceel nomber i spik eglish weth aksent 4xx5xxx
Him: so wae do you do foor fain

Her: Wait, what planet were you from again?

Him: macedonia lok en googel

Her: Okay. Will I get extraterrestrial charges if I call you?

Him: no i am en winnipeg i liv her 12044xx5xxx

Her: Can you tell me how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Him: yes you tost the bred an but peanut butter and jelly

Her: More detail please...

Him: i dont no how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Him: i no ho to mek Popcorn

Her: Okay, tell me how to do that.

Him: no wrile i wael lov tomet you ef es any chans

Her: Igu um mleh flik unga bunga jub milf sloth glunk to you too! :)

Him: i tol yuo i dont raed eglish good soory princess
Him: cool me plls

Her: LOL!

Him: plls

Her: Pills are good.

Him: no pills pless

Her: Why not?

Him: cool me
Him: waet es you r naim i am gani
Him: hi how r you doing

Her: Fine, and yes you are cool.

Him: how r you doing beautiful

Her: Fine

Him: me to iam good
Him: waet dit you do laest naht you go aut

Her: You're so cute with your sdfj eryertw cbnmghk asfdasj dfdfg

Him: i tol you maerading eglish es so so


Him: Hey how's it going

Her: Fine

Him: What are u looking for

Her: My ipod

Him: Lol


Him: hey how r u? i am adam nice 2 meet u id just like 2 hangout mayb watch a movie n
cuddles or just have coffee or sit listen 2 music n chat

Her: Could you re-write your sentence with a couple of 3's in it?

Him: y?

Her: z.


Him: hey there my name is david. how are ?. so what do u want in life?. what are you looking for from here?

Her: Did you think, proofread, and correct your spelling before you hit "Send Message"?

Him: lol sory was it looking lol.so what are you looking for from this site?.what do you want in life?.

Her: I'm looking for good spellers, but I'm failing miserably.

Him: wow that alitle judgmental? wy dont u look for someone who is sweet careing who has a good job who can stand on there own 2 feet. just bc someone is not a good spller wy judge them ?

Her: If I looked for that, I'd be fucking every guy on this site.

Him: that i dont understand about girl there very fast to judge.someone can do very good for them self and theyt well judge right away . wy is that pls tell me
Him: wy judge someone on ? im upset with this
Him: any way im over it . what else do you look for? what do you want from t6his site?

Her:I'd answer you if I could figure out what the hell you're writing. Could you use babelfish and translate that into French?

Him: what ever have fun

Her: I will

Him: im sure u well

Her: lol

Him: u thiink thats funny.

Her: Yup. Still waiting for you to talk to me in French.

Him: lol i dont no how .u talk to me in french?.

Her: You can barely speak English for chrissake. Your French HAS to be better.

Him: i can speack just ****ing fine.u dont no me you no nothing about me. just bc i have trouble spelling dose mean i cant speak english. pepel have trouble in thing im pertty sure u have trouble in doing some thing. ur not perfect
Him: ????????????? u pest me off i aready no what kind off girl u are and want no part of it so have fun

Her: LMAO!

Him: whats sooo funny?

Her: You're more emotional than an old woman going through menopause

Him: lol

Her: Do you get hot flashes?

Him: well u keep on meassge me? wy.if u want to get to n a nice guy who dose it judge. text me 6xx 8xxx

Her: You dose a what?

Him: what? doseit judge . there my nomber use it lol. im to tierd to meassge on here lol.

Her: Then go to bed lol

Him: i did lol i just woke up lol. are you going be nice now ?

Her: You said you were tired. Go back to bed.

Him: anser my ?. i am but i have to get up lol

Her: No you don't. Go back to bed.

Him: i cant i do have a life cant sleep all day lol. i dont live at home, momey and dady dont pay my shit.

Her: Probably because your shit stinks lol

Him: fuuny funny girl im dose talk to u. when u want to be nice meassge i dont del with girls who think there all when ur realy not

Her: Oh boo hoo. The tiny sweet girl blew down the big bad wolf, lol.

Him: not really im not a big bad wolf. i really nice guy. and thing igs girls cant handel that.

Her: Okay, you're a cute little bug that I squashed with my foot.

Him: ol ur funny u talk big lol. is this site a game for you? go read my profile then dont waste my time

Her: Okay, I looked at your profile. Judging from your pictures, you fucked a young chick, an older chick, an old man, Ian Rabb, Cookie Monster, a horse, and then procreated with a blonde bimbo.

Him: Really that girl is my momter and the other one is my cuz I'm all
about famliy I guise u no nothing about that ur just a dumb girl
Him: U wich I look like her when ur 50 stop meassge tell u grow up

Her: Your spelling gets worse when you're pissed off, LOL

Him: Ya it dose lol don't piss me off

Her: I'll bet you can't talk for shit either when you're mad. You probably just garble like a scratched CD.

Him: Lol no I don't . Well don't meassge unless u want to get to no me I don't have time for this

Her: You don't have time to learn how to spell either.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Macarena Christmas Album

Macarena ANYTHING is awful.

The Macarena came out when I was in high school. It was played about five times during every high school dance and five billion times everywhere else. For the entire year, the Macarena ruled the airwaves. Eventually, this bad fart of a song dissipated. The plug was pulled faster than Milli Vanilli's grammy was reclaimed.

Everyone tried to cash in on this fucking song. It seems that nobody held the copyright to it, so Macarena everyfuckingthing flooded the store shelves. Mass production went into releasing instruction videos, more instruction videos, and a few other instruction videos. Also on the shelves were non-stop Macarena dance CDs. Seventy-two minutes of non-stop Macarena! At Christmas time (although I can't verify it) we had animatronic Macarena Santa Claus. And then there was this piece of shit album buried in the pile somewhere.

I'm surprised I found a copy of this. I didn't think ANYBODY would be stupid enough to buy something this dumb. This is the WORST Christmas album I own. Even Khool Yule is better than this. There's four songs on it:

1) Macarena Christmas (16:37)
2) Macarena Christmas Instrumental (16:38)
3) Reggae Christmas (14:36)
4) Macarena Christmas Radio Version (4:26)

The only reason "Macarena Christmas Instrumental" exists is for filler. You can't sell a $12 compact disc with just one 16 minute track, so you fill over half the CD with the same piece of garbage repeated twice, except the second time is even more boring than the first.

And who the hell is Los Navedinos? Probably just some fucking cheap-imitation Puertoricans who wanted to cash in with their non-existent nationality and a shitty song.

Since it's Christmas and I don't hate you enough to post the 16 minute version, I'm posting the radio version. The funny thing about the radio version is that NO RADIO STATION ON EARTH was going to play Macarena Christmas done by a couple of shithead imitation puertoricans who happen to be friends of some loser studio musicians.

blung diddy blung diddy blung Macarena
Pleb pleb pleb plab glung glung flabakina
blung dit pla plung gling gling Macarena
HEY Downaloada!!!

At a reader's request, here is the 16 minute version. I guess I hate you after all.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Terry's Public Access Performance

Earlier this year, I happily unearthed another shitty singer from the same TV show that Henrietta and Merna appeared on. Who knows, this might be Merna's dad! He's got a really bad comb-over and judging from the expression on his face, he's constipated.

This aired probably a year after Henrietta and Merna sang their hit "Go Tell It On The Mountain". Not only that, this aired just after the assholes at Shaw Communications took over Winnipeg's two little cable companies, and put an end to quality programing like this on the public access channel. Now we get nothing but boring college basketball and other crap that has absolutely no imagination nor creativity, which is one of the largest reasons I've never signed up with Shaw for their lousy cable TV service.

But, let's forget about those assholes for a while and enjoy one of Winnipeg's final public access moments, at least until the videotape glitch puts an end to Terry's singing career.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Steinbach

Steinbach is a pretty big town full of Mennonites. Understandably, the thrift store was LOADED with Christian stuff. I really didn't need to be walking out with an armful of crap that wasn't worthy of being posted, so I had to choose my items wisely. Choosing bad Christian items wisely isn't easy because pretty much everything looked terrible. Therefore, I had to choose items that were excessively terrible. Here's what I got:

Video: The Public Life of Sissy Pike

I don't know what I was expecting with this video. Her name should be "Sissy Puke" because I was doing plenty of that after I finished watching this tape. The text "Do not induce vomiting" should have been splashed on the back of the box instead of "A look into the drama of a teen girl's life!" I was hoping she would become a crack dealer or get anal fucked by the pastor or something (ANYTHING) remotely interesting. The truth is, there's no real plot and the entire video consists of petty, pointless bickering amongst teenage girls. Well, except for Miss Puke here. She's a good little pastor's daughter.

There were two boys she could have fucked in this video. The first was a boy who kept coming to the door for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Early in the video, it's made understood that he has a boner for Sissy and is going to be a major player in the drama. He only appears briefly two more times after his initial appearance which made me wonder what the goddam point was for his existence.

The second boy was this kid in her youth group. He hid his bulging penis quite well throughout this movie, and then completely dropped off the radar. There was a lot of off-screen premature ejaculation to be had while this thing was filmed, and it would have made better content than the corny piss-fest that dominated the duration of this shitty VHS tape.

I've forever lost this hour out of my life, and now YOU have to hear me bitch and whine about it because I bought this shit to entertain YOU. I work so bloody hard, screening this crap for YOUR enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm getting older and that flat spot on my forehead is getting flatter from banging it against my coffee table, watching these retarded Christian videos. I blame Jesus for this lost time. If he didn't influence the assholes who made this video, I'd be reviewing something cool.

All The Kids: Stories for All The Family

Moving on, I can cheerfully say that this is a great record! It has three stories on it, each meant to teach children valuable life lessons. Here's the quote from the back of the record:

"All the Kids" is a family album designed for enjoyment by all the kids and their moms and dad, too. Professional performers dramatize the action, and each story draws from the problems and adventures of boys and girls in real life. This true-to-life action, together with imaginative sound effects and music, is a combination sure to keep even the liveliest youngsters close to the record player for many hours of happy listening.

Considering that the album isn't even an hour long, I'm guessing the guy who wrote that had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. The voice acting is atrocious, the dramatic 1950s music induces black & while hallucinations, and the stories are laughably retarded. The sound effect used for footsteps is identical to the noise of banging a rock on the kitchen table. Here's a brief summary of what we've got here:

1) Inasmuch
This is a story about a dead mom who's husband becomes a drunk, starves his children, and the happy ending has the children going to live with their estranged aunt while their father is left to rot in the gutter. (clip here)

2) Prayer-Planks
I have no clue what this is about because I was too busy laughing at the terrible British and Japanese accents. (clip here)

3) Teenage Dupe
Much to this emotionally tormented mother's grief, her 20 year old son gets thrown into jail for ripping off his employer. (clip here)

If your idea of fun is giving your kids nightmares, I've taken the liberty of digitizing the whole thing. Please use the comments section to tell me how this record has made them victims of their bad dreams.

Download the entire thing here!

Ashtray Lamp

This is extremely cool! I paid a whole $4 for this item. After a bit of research, I found out that it was manufactured by Beauceware sometime around 1963.

The ashtray part has two extra compartments: one for your cigarettes, and one for your beer.

And here it is, happily lighting up a room.

Now, I'm off to learn how to smoke. Hey, I gotta take it for a test drive!

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Own Tunes

The stupidity is endless when I'm out garage sale shopping. Look at what I bought during the Summer:

17 cassettes that have essentially the same song on each of them with only the name changed on each. I ended up with two copies of "Sean". There's more in the series, and unfortunately the one with my name isn't in this batch. These were made by a company called "Kidselebration" and I remember seeing them sold in novelty shops back in the 90s.

I love the packaging. It boasts that there's 28 minutes of songs, but half of that is repeated because both sides are the same. That's like selling a CD boasting "68 Minutes of Iron Butterfly" with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida repeated four times. Not only that, you get to hear your name 23 times. Now, is that 23 times during the entire 28 minutes, or 23 times non-repeated? It must be non-repeated because side one would then consist of saying your name 11 1/2 times. It might be difficult to do that with the name "Brett".

I suppose I could come out with a crappy song tape that says your name 26 times, then I could brag, "Hear your name three more times than the other leading brand!" I'd probably have to use different names like "Dweezil" and "Terri-Lynn" to avoid a lawsuit from Kidselebration.

For you idiots who happened to name your daughter Trevor, you're in luck because as the back of the box says, "the songs do not refer specifically to boys or girls, so names can work for either." On top of that, the "names are not spelled in the songs" so if you're like me and your parents fucked up the spelling of your name (I'm looking at you Reychalle) then you won't be crying because the stupid tape only spells your name wrong on the label.

The price tag on the back of these is marked at $8.99 each. I didn't even pay that much for the whole shot! Personally, I think $8.99 for 28 minutes of songs which is actually 14 minutes of songs is a rip-off.

The songs are awful, but I think that's expected when you look at the age range on the package and consider the name and gender neutrality that comes with it. Anyway, here's the first song on the Rachel tape. I personally don't have the tolerance (nor the time) to post the other crappy songs.

Listen to You'll Go Far (With Lots of Heart) ... The Rachel version

Update (Jan 8, 2012): Due to the large demand, I've turned all the cassettes into MP3s. They are available in the download section. If I find more of them out in the wild, I'll make them available. Feel free to post the direct links on Facebook! :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Brandon

Brandon is the wheat-picking capital of the world. It is also home to Brandon University where you can get educated and certified as a qualified wheat-picker. Brandon's thrift stores are always a hit or miss. This round was mostly a miss, but I did find a couple of things that weren't worth buying, but like the stupid dumbass that I am, I bought them anyway.

Kathy Bender - Can't You See God's Fingerprints?

After her previous album entitled "Can't You Smell God's Farts" was a total flop, Kathy ventured into a cave, recorded this album, and killed Goliath by boring him to death with this lousy music. There's nothing worth hearing on this album, so let's move on.

The Chuck Fulmore Trio - Happy!

There are a couple of typos on this album cover. It should be called "Crappy! The Fuck Chulmore Threesome" It's a dreadfully shitty Christian album with a ridiculous cover. I guess the Lord doesn't give Chuck a dental plan because those teeth are on par with my rotting leftover Halloween pumpkin. The younger woman is trying to camouflage in the field with her floral dress, and the old lady looks like a man with a bad wig. I'm really tired of buying boring Christian albums and reaping nothing for supporting the Lord's music. He could at least make these guys funny. Yet again, nothing good to be found here.

Hits a Go Go

Ah! We always get something good off an album from the Arc label. What surprised me about this one is they mentioned the artists who are performing on this poopy platter. We've got hit-makers such as Sam the Ham, Buddy, Buddy & Me, Jo Jo, Jay & The Juniors, and a bunch of other cream-chuggers. The quote on the back of the album says:

Hey Guys and Gals, - Let's have a go go party. Here are all the latest hits, in the original rendition, performed by some of America's greatest Nite-Club entertainers. They're great, and you'll love them. The beat is there and the original hit sound. All we need is you and some friends for a swingin' party. So grab this one and let's "move it".

Personally, if I want a "swingin' party", I'll listen to the song by The Replacements. If I wanted to "move it", I'll listen to the song by Great White. And no Arc, I don't love these shitty performers. They suck. Check out the harmonies on this atrocious recording:

Listen to "Catch Us If You Can"

Black's Photography DVD

I'd never seen one of these before. There were two of them at the thrift store, and at two bucks a pop, I wasn't going to risk buying two pieces of shit I didn't want. Turns out, this was probably the best find and I'm regretting not picking up the other one. This DVD contains someone's 8mm home movies made during the 1960s.

The following video is a collection of kids opening Christmas toys. I was able to pinpoint the second segment of the video being Christmas 1965 by identifying the Tonka Toy that the boy opens. The audio track is taken from "Christmas with The Chippers" which was released on our beloved (and ever-so-shitty) Arc label in 1963, giving this video some authentic for-the-time audio. This new soundtrack makes the film much more enjoyable (the old soundtrack was blank), and it includes The Chippers' atrocious and horribly abrasive version of "Jingle Bells"

With Christmas coming up, this video is sure to warm the hearts of all you old crunch-bags who remember 1965.

Just as a side note, I'm backed up quite badly with my Junq Tour entries and I haven't been in "writing mode" as of late. Therefore, I need to light a fire under my ass and hope I don't fart while getting the rest of my magnificent findings up for you to enjoy.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Candid Pics: 11/10/18

It's been a while since I posted random pictures of crap. I've got a few that have been rotting on my phone, so I figured it's time to reveal them to the world.

The Ayn Rand of couriers

This was taken last Halloween while trick-or-treating

Someone defaced this poor Abba Greatest Hits album before giving it to the thrift store.

Faggot Ken doll in the bargain bin.

Instead of fixing your patio blocks, cram a bunch of broken DVD players and satellite receivers in the empty space.

I don't remember where the fuck I took this picture

More random writing in the dirt on someone's vehicle

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Junq Tour: Rosetown, SK

Guess what? I replaced my stereo amplifier! I can listen to blog entries in full blown quadraphonic sound again! And they sound great! Well, as great as a 92 year old man who has pain while peeing, but the groans of agony are crystal clear! I picked up a beautiful Sansui AU-6600 for ten bucks, and it's been a pretty decent replacement for my old Acoustic Research amp.

Rosetown, Saskatchewan is where my brother and his family live. I never knew they had a thrift store there. It was absolutely loaded with crappy albums that nobody wanted, and I had to pick wiseley or I'd end up spending $30-$40 on a big pile of garbage that I wouldn't bother posting. I still ended up with crap I don't wanna post, so those lovely thrift store people can rejoice for reeling in a sucker like me.

Saskatchewan Express - Hello World!

People in Saskatchewan seem to really love their province, while those of us in Manitoba hate ours. This tape was recorded by a group of performers who apparently put on a musical about Saskatchewan. Personally, I think making a musical about Saskatchewan is on par with making a musical about cellophane, but what the fuck do I know? I generally hate musicals.

Now, I could've put up the cover of Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" (which is just as bad as the original) but I decided to put up a song called The Saskatchewan Blues. It's not incredibly amusing, but since Saskatchewanian music doesn't seem to drift outside of Saskatchewan very often, I figured it was appropriate to start off the entry with this one.

Listen to The Saskatchewan Blues

Streetnix - Listen

I really didn't know what to expect when I bought this CD. It has got a bunch of covers songs on it, so I figured it was probably going to be some shitty cover band from Saskatoon. All I can say is that they're not really a band. It's an a-capella barber shop group doing covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Queen, Elvis, and a few others. Surprised the hell out of me!

My biggest debate was whether to post their ultra-shitty Beatles medley (which is REALLY fucking bad) or post a track I actually like. I went with the latter for a change. I have to say that I really do enjoy this track, but it's floating in a sea of barber shit.

Listen to U2's Mysterious Ways done a-capella

The Waldners Messengers For Jesus - He Took My Place

Look at the superstars on the cover of this one! There's Clara, Susanna, Lenard, and a bunch of other assholes. None of their last names appear on this album except for Mike who enjoys singing sexy duets with John. This is a Country & Western Christian album, so you get twice the reason to go into a deep depression and kill yourself after listening to this miserable thing. The cool thing about this album is if you re-arrange the song titles, you come up with a story...

I hear the lord is coming
Up calvary's hill
Just over yonder.
Yes he walked.
How Great thou art,
Wounded soldier.
He took my place,
He wrote my name.
He spelled it wrong,
That motherfucker.

Okay, so I made the last two up. It was getting boring so I had to make the Lord do something more interesting than just walking around looking for worship.

Listen to a really bad Johnny Cash parody

Three Shitty Albums by The Kevin Quist Family

I think I bought their entire discography. Each tape will induce holy yawns as you fall asleep to this boring country gospel music. The best thing about owning these is you get to see their kids grow up on the album covers. The first one was printed on Fujicolor paper.

Nothing decent to extract from these albums so let's move on...

Carl Boyd - Iron Grease & Steam

Since we can't seem to get enough of trashing the Johnny Cash classic "Folsom Prison Blues" by adding shitty Christian lyrics, here it is again. It starts off like any of the other shitty albums in this entry, and Carl's improvised "Wooohooooo" train sound just makes me laugh. But the last verse has been raped and has left a gay priest's cum dribbling from his cellmate's ass. With that picture firmly planted in your head, I hope you enjoy this violation from "Anal Grease & Cream"

Listen to ANOTHER bad Johnny Cash cover

Gayle McCulloch - Let Climax Shine

When you climax onto the bedspread in the pale moonlight, it shines! When you play country and western music on the organ, nobody climaxes and people leave frustrated. This is a boring CD and not worth the two bucks I paid for it. Gayle autographed the inlay card with "Enjoy the tunes, thanks!" I guess whoever had this CD before me didn't enjoy it either.

Arnie - A Tribute To Hank - My Inspiration

Yes, I found another goddam tape by this guy. It seems that he's sold more albums than Nazareth because I've seen more fucking Arnie tapes than copies of Razamanaz. Instead of playing the plunger on this album, Arnie sings. For the benefit of us all, Arnie should just stick to toilet music because his voice sounds butt-squeaking awful.

More of Arnie's albums can be found HERE and HERE and there's another one I haven't posted yet.

Listen to Arnie squeak out "Your Cheatin' Heart"

The Greengrass Bros. - MORE Great Classics

After listening to a chunk of side two, I wasn't going to post anything by these guys. However, a brief switch over to side one made me changed my mind. It seems that the master tape this was copied from is buggered up, and all the songs have this hilarious warble to them! I am convinced that this error in the copying process has made the album a thousand times more enjoyable. So enjoy lighting up a doobie with the SmokingGreenGrass Bros and listen to their warped and fucked up version of "My Bonnie".

Listen Here!

Now, to finish off the blog entry, here's a video from my nephew who will show you how to make yourself a tasty lunch that's not even fucking close to being nutritious.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Weyburn, SK

The left channel on my main stereo amplifier (manufactured in 1966) seems to be fizzling out. It's given me great service since I acquired it in 1993. I tried to buy another one on Ebay for fifty bucks, but I was outbid and the winner got it for a whopping $209. My original one was given to me for free... FUCK YOU $209!

So until I replace it or take the time to repair it (yes, I can remove the screws because I'm an authorized technician), I'm listening to all my lo-fi albums in Xtreme-lo-fi!

Anyway, This and the next entry will document the two thrift stores I visited in Saskatchewan. The one in Weyburn didn't have a whole lot, but I came out with two trashy treasures:

Analynn - Sounds Of Love

Well, I suppose it's better than her other non-hit albums entitled "Sounds of Indigestion" and "Sounds of Squishing Puppies". This album was recorded in 1983, but it sounds like it was recorded in 1981 on one of those cheap K-mart cassettes. You know the ones... they came in threes sealed in a plastic bag with no cases. The green labels were used for 90 minute tapes, the orange labels for 60 minute tapes. They were all stamped "low noise" which included the noise you recorded on them.

Anyway, the inlay card of Analynn's album mentions that 'ORPAC & Productions Ltd' recorded this cassette in Dolby Stereo. Now, for those who don't know (and this includes ORPAC & Productions Ltd) Dolby Stereo is a method of encoding two channel audio signals onto film for motion pictures. So I call bullshit on this one because it sounds like it was played through a static-filled AM Radio station rather than a piece of movie film.

Now, listen to what a good high sounds like.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders - Eleven (That's Enough)

Yes, the 1988 Saskatchewan Roughriders decided to record a song, and its dreadfully awful. The chorus goes "Eleven. (Eleven!) Yeah. (Yeah!) That's Enough. (That's Enough!)" Jock creativity at it's finest!!! Since the Saskatchewan Roughriders can't fucking sing, they recorded a rap song (and they weren't any good at that either). However, after they realized they didn't have any musical talent, they put more effort into playing football rather than playing music and won the Grey Cup the following year. They haven't won the Grey Cup since, so I'm guessing it's time to get their asses back into the studio and record their next hit single entitled "Blump (I got tackled)"

It sounds as if someone attempted to record over the first few seconds of this recording (and I can't blame them), but their tape deck was a piece of crap.

Listen to the dumb song

And now, stay tuned for one more installation of the Saskatchewan Junq Tour!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

"Fantastic F" 8-tracks

Since I've been ignoring the 8-track format as of late, I figured I'd focus on four 8-tracks released by some poop-hole company called "Fantastic F". What the hell does the F stand for? Fuck? Fart? Fudgepacker? Well, my guess is fudgepacker since they packed a lot of shit onto these four tapes.

By the way, did I ever tell you about my kick ass Superscope 8-track player? It's pretty sweet. I bought it about three or four years ago. Look how snazzy it looks with a Fantastic Fudgepacker tape jammed into the orifice.

Go figure that I'd buy a high-end player and play nothing but garbage tapes on it.

Anyway, Fantastic F's 8-tracks are the most colorful cartridges I've ever seen. If you place one of these fuckers around some other blandly-colored 8-tracks in a store, your eye is gonna catch them before you grab Pink Floyd's "The Wall" or The Beatles' "White Album" (by the way, the 8-track release of The Beatles' "White Album" has black and white pictures of all four Beatles on them. Can't really call that a "white" album!)

Anyway, let's get down to these very loud-looking 8-tracks...

A Tribute to Fleetwood Mac

This one actually isn't too bad. The covers are pretty faithful to the originals. The problem with this 8-track is it was mastered to damn loud, and peaks of the wave file are cut off even when I record it at a quieter volume. Hooray for the shitheads at The General Music Corporation!

Listen to Dreams

Super Disco April 1976: Sweet Love - Only Sixteen and others

There's a total of about two disco songs on this one. The rest are miscellaneous other tracks that don't belong on a disco collection. It's much like their "Hits of the 50s" 8-track (in this entry) which also contained hits of the 60s.

Their version of Slow Ride isn't totally awful, but it's one of the few songs on this tape which I'm most familiar with.

Listen to it here!

Super Rock: Do Ya - Hotel California and others

The audio on this 8-track was recorded too loud, it's a bit distorted, and the track I'm putting up sounds like it was recorded with a tin can microphone. Regardless, we've got the same singer trying to pull off some Electric Light Orchestra. I don't hear any of the awesome harmonies that are in the original version, and it makes you feel like you're eating a Caramilk bar with no fucking caramel in it.

Listen to Do Ya

Super Rock Volume 1

Whoever the fuck is naming Fantastic F's compilations of crap should be fired. But then again, they're probably not getting paid enough to give a shit about the name of the tape since these 8-tracks are bottom-of-the-barrel pieces of junk, offered at a much lower price than those expensive K-Tel compilations.

This is the worst one of the bunch. Not only does it contain the song "Dream Weaver", but it contains the worst rendition of Aerosmith's "Dream On" I've ever heard. The guitar playing sucks, and half of the lyrics are wrong. "I know everybody say you've got your blues to blow away" is a line that was pulled out of Fantastic F's Fudgehole. If you don't believe it's awful, listen for yourself:

Listen to Dream On

And that's it for this entry. I've got some stuff that I picked up while I was in Saskatchewan, so stay tuned for a super nifty edition of the Junq Tour!

Friday, September 2, 2011

X-rated BBS Ads

Here's another computer I scrounged up. It's a cute yet ugly little 386. Yes, I modified the display to show "FU". This computer has Windows 3.1 on it along with many DOS applications, one of which was a .gif image viewer. I used this piece of software to view the many x-rated .gif files that were stored on this computer.

There's quite a few interesting things about this batch of porn I found. First of all, the date stamps are from 1993. Second, the few that have copyright years noted on them are from before 1993. Third, they're all in color. Fourth, they all have BBS ads added into the image (a BBS (Bulletin Board System) was a computer system people could dial into and download files, post messages, and play 'door games' such as "Legend of the Red Dragon", all of which predated the popularity of the Internet). The BBS owners likely put their ads onto these pictures to prevent other BBSes from stealing them for their own, and to help promote their boards.

Computer image scanners didn't really appear until the early-to-mid 90s, and even so, the affordable ones were initially black and white handheld pieces of junk. The people who scanned these images either had a shitload of money to spend on scanning equipment, or they had access to a color image scanner belonging to a professional business.

Even color PC monitors weren't in existence for very long before these images were scanned. I clearly recall using Windows 3.11 on a 286 with a monochrome monitor.

First, the warnings...

And now, feel free to enjoy these nifty-looking BBS ads:

The Dirty Hacker BBS
Electric Blue BBS
The McHenry BBS
Rusty Eddie's BBS
The Taste BBS
Windy City / TomCatPix BBS

If you want to download all of them (like the guy in the comment section), click here!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Album: Steve Wilson - Get Your Groove Back

Ever hear a child create music on one of those V-Tech toys? I have, and it sound just like this album does. I got my 4 year old one of those toys, and he can actually play songs on that thing. I have no clue what the fuck this guy is doing, but the music is dis-jointed, out of tune, and to sum it all up in one word... dyslexic.

It was one of my dear readers who brought my attention to this guy. I must admit, I deserve it for all the garbage I've put on this site over the years. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?

I can't help but try to figure out if Stevie Wilson is blind, playing a joke, or dead serious. After taking a look at his record label (hosted by Angelfire nonetheless) I've come to the conclusion that he is DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS about his music, which sounds a lot like an old farmer singing while his horse gags on a kitten in heat.

I'd like to quote Steve's website on what inspired him before I subject you to a couple of his songs...

While living in Chicago during the early 6O's and delivering mail in the Maxwell street area, Steve was suddenly struck with the blues.

Poor fucking guy sure worked a depressing job, didn't he? I mean, what job is more depressing than delivering mail? He could've been a toilet scrubber or a slave, but I guess those jobs were just way too good for him. I have to wonder how many times he thought about slitting his throat with a white paper envelope and just ending it all.

But look where the Blues led him... He started his own record label! He even signed his dead dad to the label. My grandmother was a Ukrainian polka queen who died in '97, maybe she could get a record deal too!

Anyway, I'm being very unfair. I'd even go as far as to say I'm being an asshole. I should leave YOU the reader (and listener) to judge good ol' Steve Wilson for yourself. Here's the title track for his album...

Listen to "Get Your Groove Back"

And just in case this sample makes you desperately want a copy for yourself, here's an amazon link for buying your very own copy!

Let me individually review a few of these songs...

Alicia: This would be a pretty song if it were sung and played by a REAL musician.
Hope You're Alright: Steve, you are NOT the big bopper. Quit stalking old ladies.
A Thousand Years: The approximate length of this stupid recording
The Wedding: That poor bride obviously doesn't know Steve gave the DJ a copy of this song.
A Playboy's Confession: Not much of a playboy if he can't even play the fucking piano.

The others are... well... shitty. Not to mention the songs I listed above are shitty too. However, the title track is so awf..some that Steve decided to repeat it as a bonus track. Personally, I would've preferred his Christmas song (on his website) as a bonus track. Ending the album with a song about his dead mother would have been the icing on the dung cake.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be RnB music. Sounds like BrF to me... with the exception of his tribute to 50's doo-wop. Let's listen to that!

Listen to "You're Home"

Now wasn't that a treat? More entertaining than untwisting a twisted Slinky.

I hope Steve decide to record more music. I hope his dead dad records some too. I think the soothing sound of dirt and worms would bring justice to his record label. I'm still blown away that you can buy this turd on Amazon. I guess it just goes to prove that any asshole can release anything through Amazon.

To wrap up this entry, I was going to record a tribute to Steve on my kid's V-Tech keyboard. Unfortunately, I'm too talented to make it sound as bad as this crap.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion Part 2

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been able to acquire every album by Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion. The bad news is they still suck. You can read about the first album I bought by them

Bucky Dee James got signed by the Springboard label after he did a drunken Elvis impression at a friend's Christmas party. They based his talent on his twitchy snarly lip rather than his ability to sound remotely like Elvis.

Springboard seems to have the knack for finding garbage talent to record in their studio. If you're wondering what else Springboard has to offer, someone was kind enough to post an almost complete discography here. I must say that it's interesting to look through. It seems that Springboard specialized in making bootlegs until catalog number SPB-4075 when they started recording their own garbage. In other words, we have lawsuits to thank for giving Bucky Dee James his big break. Without lawsuits, this world would be void of talentless hacks like Bucky.

The first album up for criticism is "The Hits of Elvis Presley Vol. 2"

I've picked up a LOT of cheap imitation albums, and most of them have "Vol. 1" placed after the title. However, it's extremely rare that I'm able to find a Vol.2. Bucky lived up to his promise and brought us more atrocious Elvis covers. Here's a list of the grave spinners we get this round:

It's Now Or Never
Are You Lonesome Tonight
Can't Help Falling In Love
Good Luck Charm
Return To Sender
Suspicious Minds
The Wonder Of You
Burning Love

I'd forgotten how bad this shit is, but the first track "It's Now Or Never" put it all back in perspective. Listen to it here.

Makes me wanna barf.

As a side note, I have enough cheap imitation Elvis albums to make my very own compilation, and fully intend to put one together for downloading. Another band I've acquired bad tribute albums for is Led Zeppelin, so you've got that to look forward to as well.

Now, let's move onto Bucky's third and final album... The Hits of Glen Campbell!

Before I get into this album, let's compare this album cover to the last one. Hmmm. Nearly the same background color. The Glen Campbell one is a bit greener. Same crappy font for the artist they're ruining. The imagination gears sure turn in the art department, don't they! The Glen Campbell album has that fake gold sticker thingy in the upper left hand corner, showing that the complaints have been rolling in from people accidentally mistaking Bucky's Elvis album for a real Elvis album. So now, we've got this gold (or yellow) medallion in the corner saying "This is fucking garbage! Buy it anyway!"

Here's what we get in this fine collection of Glen Campbell hits:

Southern Nights
Rhinestone Cowboy
By The Time I Get To Phoenix
Gentle On My Mind
Wichita Lineman
Country Boy (You Got Your Feet In LA)
True Grit

So now, let's hear this non-famous Elvis impersonator sing some Glen Campbell...

Listen to Rhinestone Cowboy

Ummm.... What the fuck is this??? Is this the same guy? This sounds NOTHING like his Elvis albums! It sounds like Bucky actually does have some talent hidden under his snarly lip and sideburns. He actually does a decent job singing these songs, The Nashville Explosion play their instruments somewhat well, and the guy who mixed the album did a shitty job by burying some of Bucky's lower vocals under the band. This is a quality cheap imitation album we have here. Unfortunately, by the time Springboard gets to Bucky's third album, they decided they didn't want his shit anymore and focused their next few albums on lousy orchestra covers of movie hits.

Poor Bucky. After his brief fling with stardom, he got kicked off the label and blew all his earnings on drugs (one bag of weed).

It seems that after this album, Bucky and the Nashville Explosion had some difficult times as a band. After scouring the internet, I found this collection called "24 Country Hits" released in 1978 on the Intercord label. It's a European collection which features The Nashville Explosion with and without Bucky along with some other big name Country artists. This came out a year after the Glen Campbell album.

Obviously, these guys were struggling to find work. After being unsuccessful, they turned to panhandling, hoping to raise enough money to buy another bag of weed. They are now residing in the "where are they now" and "who gives a fuck" categories.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Little Arlo

I found this computer in the garbage. There's nothing horribly special about it. It's got a 40G hard drive, has a shitload of illegally downloaded music from Limewire, and a whole bunch of pictures of a couple with their child.

That being said, I'd like you to meet little Arlo:

Arlo is your typical 1 1/2 year old. He's full of curiosity and is quite busy exploring everything. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop his parents from doing stupid things.

That wasn't very nice.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Video: The Family Guide to the Internet

I understand that many people out there have absolutely no clue on how to get on the internet. Well luckily, IBM put out a very lovely video (with shit-tastic acting) on how easy it really is to get on the internet!

This video shows the Newbie family learning about the ins and outs of the internet. The fact that these guys have the last name "Newbie" is fucking stupid, and the video covers fast modems, flaming, and Grandpa Newbie's Taffy. I absolutely hate taffy. Grandpa Newbie can suck it.

On the plus side, these guys aren't using Windows to get on the internet. They're using IBM's operating system OS/2. To be honest, I was much happier when all our bank machines were running OS/2. They crashed much less, and they were much faster at reading the bank card and giving us our money. Too bad IBM abandoned OS/2 and left it to die.

So anyway, if you've been having problems getting onto the internet, then this video is for you!

(Apologies for my bad editing. Since I upgraded, I need to use a different video editor that kinda sucks)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Classical Gas Emissions Clearing House

I've been bitten by the cleaning bug as of late, and I've been clearing the house of some unwanted shit. It's ironic that I got a nifty package from Publisher's Clearing House which included a lovely postage-paid envelope. So I started digging around for shit I could mail them.

I found some kind of bible cassette that's been kicking around here doing nothing. But instead of sending them a message from God, I taped over it with some of the songs I've put on this blog. It starts off with "If Satan Was My Lover", then goes into "I'm Gonna Ride You Like a Donkey" and the rest is just more awful junk.

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to record a cassette when your computer's permanently hooked up to a cassette deck! I just tossed a bunch of shitty songs into a playlist, hit record, and let the thing record until it was done. I've got a deck with Auto-Reverse, so it records on both sides while I do something else.

Then, I decorated the cassette, wrapped it in cardboard, and tossed it in the lovely envelope. Let's hope they enjoy it!

As a side note, I've re-vamped my main computer area. I got rid of the horribly inadequate piece of shit computer desk that I've hated for the last 10 years, and replaced it with a solid wood table I found in the trash, completed by a set of drawers that were once connected to a broken antique desk.

The monstrosity to the right is my 'test' computer which can run pretty much anything. It's useful for plugging in hard drives that I find in other people's computers, playing with viruses, and trying out operating systems.

Anyway, stay tuned for a video that I've been trying to upload onto Youtube for days, but my phone line is scratchy and I'm waiting for the phone service guys to come clear that up. My internet connection is dreadful and unreliable, so nothing will be up until the weekend (or after).

Friday, July 1, 2011

Album Artwork by Women

Over the last few years that I've been running this blog, I've listened to a lot of shitty albums. There's two major things in common that I've noticed about these albums...

1) Albums recorded by a bunch of studio musicians usually contain a bad cover of "Bridge Over Troubled Water".

2) Albums recorded by women (who will never be mainstream) usually contain the song "The Rose".

I have to ask... Why these two songs? Why not "Imagine" or "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover"? Why must these two songs be butchered over and over and over again?

Anyway, enough of me rambling and onto this entry.

I've realized that I've got enough shit in queue that I can make 'themed' entries. So here's one about women who shouldn't be in charge of the artwork that goes onto their album. Let's take a look...

Linda Jones - From Me To You

She looks pretty fuckin' happy that her dad is dead. We've got a picture of pappy, his war medals, a poppy, and.... Oh shit, looks like "The Rose" is going to be on this album.

I'll give the dudes who made this album some creative credit. The inlay is printed on kodak paper and looks wonderfully glossy. Too bad the album is neither awesome nor awful, so it's not worth posting a clip.

Lara - Hope In God

I realized that I was risking the unleashing of demons by unwrapping this cassette from the cellophane it came in. LOOK AT HER. Somebody MUST be responsible for jumping on her face with a jackhammer. I suppose her 'Hope in God' is that he fixes her face when she gets to heaven.

Guess who the album artwork was done by? Jostens... The name you can trust with getting your hideous school yearbook pictures taken.

Now, just in case the songs "Fairest Lord Jesus", "Jesus Saves", "What a Friend in Jesus" and "I'd Rather have Jesus" didn't give away the content of the album, the cover explains that this is easy listening gospel music. That's a good thing, because judging by the photo of Lara, I thought it was an album about sasquatch hunting.

The music sucks. It's not even funny. It doesn't even have a cover of "The Rose" on it. We would've been better off with an album about sasquatch hunting. So yeah, no clippy from this turd either.

Tillie Harpelle - Cowboy's Sweetheart

First of all, if you're 70 years old, no cowboy's gonna want you as his sweetheart. The best you're going to get is some withered old fart with his balls bouncing around between his knees. If you're wondering why I bought this, it was REALLY the cowboy hat clipart that sold me on this album. I mean... CLIPART! Wow, man.

But this album has one thing going for it... Yodeling! It's full of yodeling songs, and this old bag pulls it off very well. Not only can Tillie yodel, but the band is also quite competent and the album actually sounds well recorded and mixed. So it's worth putting a song up for you to hear.

Listen to "Just A Yodel For Me"

She also does a cover of the song on this classic commercial.

Now that she's taught me how to yodel, my life is now complete. Now I'm off to yodel in a duet of the song "Picture" at a karaoke bar.