Sunday, September 12, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Austin

Austin's finds weren't the total shits this round, but don't get me wrong... These people aren't going to be famous musicians any time soon! Let's see what we have...

We Three

Look! It's our first album with Joan McKay for this year! This woman has been on more recordings than the guys from Toto. Hell, I would even say that Joan belongs in the band Toto because she really is a damn good piano player. I don't know who the other two tag-alongs are, but they play well enough to make this cassette the most listenable in this batch of albums. All of the instruments are in tune with each other, including the clarinet. I usually find that woodwind instruments played by old people are usually flat as hell, but Stuart is perfectly capable of making the instrument work.

I pulled the Elvis song for your enjoyment. You can even hear Stuart clear his throat at the beginning so he can shove his clarinet down it.

Listen to Fool Such As I

Tiger Hills Group

Polka and waltz bands are a pretty common appearance here, but usually we get some shit played on a Casio with a band that are so deaf that they can't hear the synthesized drummer. This polka and waltz group can actually play together successfully. I don't really have much to say about them except for the pieces of kleenex hanging from their necks that are supposed to look like ties or scarfs or something. Perhaps they all have runny noses.

Listen to Wild Side of Life

Barrage - Vagabond Tales

Look at that cover. It's signed by every single person in Manitoba!

Barrage apparently puts on a live musical show, and according to the reviews around the internet, they do it very well. This is an album of songs from their performance called "Vagabond Tales". Their music is a mix of old folk crap with rock n' roll which is okay I guess, but not really my cup of tea. This album is performed and mixed very well. Surprisingly, they cover a Supertramp song which is a nice change from hearing "The Rose" or "Blue Eyes Crying in the Motherfucking Rain".

If you think that "Barrage" is a good name for a laxative that you just invented, I've got good news for you. You can purchase Barrage's domain because it's up for sale! An investment opportunity of a lifetime!

Listen to Take The Long Way Home

Rachel Quelch - Basement Melodies & The Faulty Piano

I absolutely love finding tapes or CDs where the artist has made a custom cover. Rachel came up with a lengthy but intriguing title for this six track CD she apparently recorded in someone's basement (perhaps her own). Rachel can sing well enough, but I find her songs a bit on the boring side.

The cover of the song "Crazy" is surprisingly not the Patsy Cline song, but is instead the song by Gnarls Barkely which features CeeLo Green on vocals. I actually like CeeLo Green, but I find this cover quite lackluster just like everything else on this CD with the exception of the first track where the piano says "fuck this song" and leaves the recording session half way through.

What I found interesting about Rachel Quelch is her co-worker is Cory Thomas, a damn good drummer that I've played with in the past. You can watch him drumming in this video I uploaded a few years ago.

We will hear from Rachel again during the Junq Tour, so keep an eye out!

Listen to Crazy

Ava Loon

This is certainly not the worst children's album I've ever heard, but it has a few bad flaws. First of all, who ever mixed it didn't take the intended audience into account and mixed a lot of the vocals quite poorly, making the lyrics hard to understand for children and adults of all ages. They could have easily inserted some controversial lyrics such as "go kill your mom because she's fucking your school teacher". I haven't been able to verify that this kind of content doesn't exist on this album. 

Second, the singer on "Are We There Yet" sang the damn thing in a really bad Scottish accent for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if he died a horrible death from some Scottish person smothering him with a kilt.

Listen to The Kitty

Jake Penner - Calgary

Welcome back to Church! Jake Penner makes us want to take his body and smash the organ player's head in with it. This tape is fucking awful.

Listen to The Unveiled Christ.

Little Jake Wiebe

Hey! Another Jake! It's a pandemic!

The only indication of what's on this tape is the words "Little Jake Wiebe" written on the inlay. Either this tape is in the wrong case, or Little Jake Wiebe is actually a little girl. I always find it interesting that a family can sit down together and record a cassette full of shitty gospel songs. I think my family did that a couple of times as well. 

Our featured track was recorded by The Oak Ridge Boys of "Elvira" fame. I would have liked to hear little girl Jake Wiebe sing that one instead of this lifeless piece of shit.

Listen to Where We Ever Shall Be

Locals George & Suzie Wiens

Guess what? This tape is in the wrong case too! Everything about it looks right; a Fuji cassette in a Fuji slim case. I figured I had a complete album, but the songs don't match the track listing. I mean, this could still be George & Suzie, but I have no way of verifying that, especially since it's the same old bastard singing on every song.

Listen to One Golden Curl

Arnie - Country Classics Vol. 1

Arnie Strynadka is a legend here on Classical Gas Emissions. I've covered his albums many times, and I still occasionally find more of them. His recordings usually sound like mud, but this one is so shiny and bright that it distorts really badly. I transferred this recording with the CrO2 switch on which helped suppress the brightness a little.

Arnie is famous for playing his fiddle along to a shitty Casio keyboard. He's also famous for singing like a guy who's had a few too many drinks. Also, I didn't know that Arnie was a staple in the Island of Misfit Musicians, also known as Branson Missouri. I'd love to take a visit down there one day, buy some shitty tapes & CDs, see a few shows, and blog about the whole experience. Perhaps one day I'll have the budget (and the lack of a pandemic) to take the trip.

Listen to Red River Valley

Next stop: Neepawa! You know it's gonna be good!

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Portage La Prairie

 We're at the very start of the Junq Tour, and there's no better place to start than Portage La Prairie. I came out with a LOT of terrible music (as I usually do at this location), so let's not waste any more time and go through it...

Helen White - What The Hellsy

I got this one sealed, and I should have left it that way.

With songs like "Dreamworld", "Facebook Fiasco", "Men (Boring)", "Spoilt Bastard", and "I Miss You Dad" Helen sounds like a man-hating bitch with daddy issues. These songs come off as pompous, bombastic, annoying showtunes. I hate showtunes. Helen sounds like she has a load of talent that has lots it's control and skidded off the road and ended up in a herd of man-hating cows.

Let's see if I can come up with a response for every song title...

A Highway West - Where I drove over this CD

Dreamworld - What you're living in if you think this album will appeal to audiences other than bitter women

P.A.R.I.S. - Piss Arrangements Recorded In Stereo

Can't Concentrate - Judging by the lyrics, it was pretty obvious

Facebook Fiasco - What happens when I post my review of this

My Coat - Put it on and GTFO

You Can't Stop a Storm - Good thing you're not a storm!

Men (Boring) - Helen (Shitty)

MAXI - You shouldn't write lyrics when you're wearing one of these

Spoilt Bastard - Jaded Bitch

I Miss You Dad - I wish he was still around to whoop your ass for making this album

Perpetual Youth - Sounds like someone's trying to make up for getting a little saggy in the body!

Listen to Men (Boring)

Saffire The Uppity Blues Women

This is what happens when you get a bunch of bitter old women together to form a travelling musical circus act. These miserable bitches should get together with Helen White and create the ultimate "I hate men" band. Some of the song titles are "Silver Beaver", "You Can Have My Husband", "Bitch With a Bad Attitude", "Dump That Chump", and a mandatory cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy". It's women like these who cause all the good men to decide that procreating is a bad idea. Putting your dick in a bitter angry woman will lead to the removal of your genitalia, your possessions, and your entire paycheck. After that, the woman will put those funds toward getting tattoos with some artificially uplifting phrase tattooed on her body and recording a shitty album that eventually rots in thrift stores across the land.

Listen to Bitch With a Bad Attitude

Standing Room Only - Pure Acappella

I seem to find at least one acappella album on every trip, and I hate myself for it each time. This one surprisingly doesn't contain a version of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye", but it does contain the usual culprits "Stand By Me", "Under The Boardwalk", and "My Girl". Then there's the not-so-usual culprits like "Moon Dance" (the Van Morrison song spelled incorrectly), "You Can Call Me Al", and... More Than Words by Extreme??? 

I really can't understand the logic behind owning an acappella album. It's good for ONE listen. Other than that, acappella groups belong on a street corner collecting money from strangers.

Listen to More Than Words

Listen to Will The Circle Be Unbroken (it's actually Johnny Cash's Daddy Sang Bass)

G Watson Organ

Ain't nothin' but a G thang!

Usually when I come across these Wilcox-Gay Recordio discs, they're so wrecked that they're not worth picking up. This one is actually in somewhat decent shape. It's too bad the content is crap. It's nothing but someone playing an organ from the other side of the room. My turntable won't play the whole thing without retracting the stylus, and I didn't feel like hooking up a capable turntable, so you get what you get. I've shoved both sides onto one file. It's not like this guy is the Jimi Hendrix of the Hammond or anything.

Listen to G Watson Organ

Gerry Bilton and the Redwood Band

According to the picture on the label, Gerry has no face. I suppose I could draw one in for the poor bugger.

I believe this is the only thing this guy released. He didn't get a record contract because these songs kinda suck. "Maybe She'll Look Good Again" is a song about getting drunk, taking some girl home, and then realizing how fucking ugly she is in the morning.

The flip side "Stay With Me Here Tonight" is the lyrical genius of a 15 year old who finally convinced his girlfriend to take her pants off but refuses to remove her panties. Poor Gerry.

Listen to Maybe She'll Look Good Again

Listen to Stay With Me Here Tonight

Willie and Rodi Longenecker - Grace Again

I've reviewed a couple of albums by these two in years past, and they never seem to get any better. They put a picture of their family and their home in Lake of the Woods on the other side of the cover because that's how good music is made. They also made sure that they put their location on the cover to counteract all those Willie and Rodi bootlegs that are apparently problematic.

According to this quote on the inside of the cover, Willie and Rodi have a really extensive and stressful touring schedule:

"Rodi and I have been traveling and singing in nursing homes, retirement communities, and churches"

It's a wonder they were able to find the time to record all 21 fucking songs on this album.

Listen to Crying In The Night

FMI - He Is The Man

So I finally got another album by FML. I reviewed one of their albums here, and little to nothing has changed. They have some pretty cool guitar licks that start the songs off, but it always turns into the same old pile of decomposing country music garbage with a really bad singer. Also, what the hell is with the seven minute song at the end of the album? This isn't fucking Led Zeppelin, this is some shit hole Christian band.

Listen to He Is The Man

Listen to Riding High

National Music Service, Inc - Secular Guitar #1

I bought this CD knowing absolutely nothing about it. I didn't even realize that it had a track listing on it. I guess that's what happens when you plow through the garbage CD piles like a madman. Anyway, I looked up this company, and I found a bit of information about the person who ran it...

"He helped transform the modern funeral with his Spokane-based National Music Service, which at one point supplied music for three-quarters of the funeral services held in the United States and Canada."

So what I have here is an entire CD of music that is played at funeral homes throughout North America. In case you're wondering, yes there is plenty of tremolo-filled organ on these tracks to put you in that "death in the family" mood.

The song "Love is Blue" used to be a beautiful, light and fluffy musical piece that would remind you of a beautiful woman. Now it's slow, miserable and will remind you of your dead uncle. "What a Wonderful World" used to be an uplifting song about life. Now it's a song about how your grandmother died in a puddle of her own piss. "My Way" used to be about success and survival, but now it reminds you of being buried in the ground with weeds growing over top of you. This CD does a spectacular job at ruining the classics for you.

Listen to What A Wonderful World

Listen to Love Is Blue

Derek & Dorothy - Soft & Easy

"Soft" is Derek's nickname and "Easy" is Dorothy's nickname. Derek plays guitar and Dorothy plays everything else (a Casio). They put mandatory reverb on everything to make it sounds like you're floating around in an artificial heaven.

Since these are all instrumentals, I was tempted to add my vocals to some of these to make them more interesting. I didn't, at least not this time.

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Doug Brown - From The Heart

Albums covers are the best when someone uses a photo from a family trip from many years ago. The best thing I can say about this album is it doesn't sound like it was recorded with a tin can. However, it was probably recorded with Audacity because this album has that really dry digital sound with no effects added. Also, Doug has some hard P's, possibly because of his age, but also because he didn't throw a windscreen on his computer microphone.

Listen to Ask For The Ancient Paths

Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers - The Shed

This album absolutely failed to live up to its promises. The back of the album says "The best of Newfoundlan music and humour". The only thing they got right is Newfoundland. Half on the tracks are instrumentals, and they're not even funny instrumentals. The other half with vocal performances also isn't funny. This seems to be typical of albums that boast about how funny the are.

There is a parody of "Whiter Shade of Pale", but I can't understand the lyrics. Half of it is sung in a Donald Duck voice, because singing in a Donald Duck voice apparently makes everything funny. Must be a Newfie thing.

Listen to Whiter Shade of Pale

R-Passion - R-Music R-Way


This group of retired pirates joined together in a tin can and recorded an album of non-pirate music. Every single song fades in, and all of the songs cut off suddenly. This is one of the most stale mmmm-plop-plop bands I've ever heard, and I've heard a LOT of mmmm-plop-plop music. Half of this album is in French and therefore unlistenable. The other half is in English, and is also unlistenable.

Listen to You Are My Sunshine

Hank Williams - The Year of '84

Isn't this exciting? Hank Williams came back from the dead and recorded a really bad album. After such a long gap between recording sessions, it appears that poor Hank forgot how to sing. Apparently, a lengthy bout of death will do that to you. Also, could Hank jam any more shit onto this cover? He put the track listing, the credits, and a quote from somebody (possibly himself), but he didn't even put his name on it. You wouldn't even know this was a Hank Williams album unless you looked at the CD!

Listen to Bury That Man

Listen to There Is Time

Old Man Singing Ninety and Nine

Someone recorded their half-dead great grandfather singing a song called "The Ninety and Nine" while taking a bath. He probably drowned to death from a heart attack after he was done.

Listen to Ninety and Nine

There is plenty more to come from this Junq Tour. I have accumulated probably the biggest haul out of any of the other Junq Tours. Judging from how much I acquired, I may end up doing the exact same route for next year. Stay tuned for Austin!

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Junq Tour 2021 Videos

Videos of the 2021 Junq Tour are up! The finds this year were really terrible. Stay tuned for my in-depth coverage of all this garbage.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Cheap Imitation Instrumentals

Sometimes my life is a never-ending mess. Things are going pretty sour at my real job, so I've been dealing with that lately. Because of that, I haven't had much brain capacity to do an entry, so I've been waiting for moments when I actually DO have the brain capacity to work on something. Anyway, let's throw my personal problems aside because I've got a real pile of interesting crap sitting here. There's usually nothing all that amazing about albums like these, but this time I've been falling down a bit of a rabbit hole.

Before I get into the other albums, I need to talk about this CD...

LDMI - Today's Power Hits

I originally picked this up on cassette when I was a teenager. When I found the CD in a thrift store, I immediately grabbed it. These are all cheap imitations. I honestly have no clue when this thing came out, but I would guess around 1990 or so. There's some bad covers on here (including a bad cover of "Bad"). This CD almost needs an entry on it's own, but I found it significant enough to be somewhat included here.

I'm giving you two songs off this CD, because they're going to rear their ugly heads later on.

Listen to Take My Breath Away

Listen to La Ilsa Bonita

Fastforward Music - Love and Emotion (CD 3)

I was ready to commend this company for naming themselves "Fastforward Music", but you'd end up fast forwarding through the entire album. If they wanted to be 100% truthful, they would have named themselves "Throwinthegarbage Music"

The design & art direction was done my Propeller. What the fuck is "Propeller"? Who the fuck is "Propeller"? Why is he/she named "Propeller"? Is "Propeller" the two ugly people on the cover? Also, where the hell are the other two CDs in this set? I have so many questions.

The back of the CD has the following text: 

"When you share love's music, you share the sound of closeness, of whispers and sighs, of laughter and touch - and they mean even more" 

This isn't fucking Hallmark, it's a crappy knock-off CD!

The song "Candle in the Wind" is starting to approach the same level of knock-off popularity as "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain", which is making me want to cry in the rain. I wish Princess Diana hasn't died. We wouldn't be having a plethora of Candle in the Wind covers if she was still around. In case you're wondering, this is a different version than the one I posted here. Elton John's vocals have been replaced by an electric guitar.

When Bridge Over Troubled Water started, it sounded okay. But then we get a harp singing instead of a fake Garfunkel. WHY???? The song itself is a fine piano piece on it's own, but no... it needed a fucking harp.

I don't know most of the other songs, but they're probably just as shitty as these versions.

Listen to Candle In The Wind

Listen to Bridge Over Troubled Water

Pegasus - Pan Pipes

If you were expecting Zamfir, you will be disappointed because these are synthesized pan flutes. Zamfir needs to go down there and beat the piss out of the guy who worked on this CD.

There is a cover of "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies on here which has some funky ass shit going on. Out of all the songs I'm reviewing in this entry, this one probably best represents what weather channel music sounds like.

The best song on this CD is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". The fake pan flutes are much more enjoyable than Celine Dion's voice. However, I cannot say the same for the cover of "I Will Always Love You". I would rather hear Whitney belt that one out because the pan flutes just don't work for that one. We also have a really boring version of Lady in Red.

Guess what? We have another cover of Candle in the Fucking Wind! It's also the EXACT SAME INSTRUMENTAL TRACK as the previous one, except the fake pan flutes have replaced the electric guitar. They both obviously used a digital copy because it was really easy to sync them together, and I've provided a link to that masterpiece below.

Listen to The Air That I Breathe

Listen to I Will Always Love You

Listen to My Heart Will Go On

Listen to Lady in Red

Listen to Candle in the Wind

Listen to two version of Candle in the Wind mixed together

The Dreamsound Orchestra Plays The Hits Made Famous by Madonna

Surprisingly, Candle in the Wind isn't on this one. You get all your favourite Madonna songs here butchered by... well... There is no such thing as "The Dreamsound Orchestra" as we'll see...

The vocals in "Like a Virgin" have been replaced by an electric guitar which probably isn't real. The Pan Flutes decide to give us an encore on the song "True Blue". The song "Material Girl" is just laughably bad. And then we have La Ilsa Bonita. You knew it was coming...

La Ilsa Bonita has the EXACT SAME INSTRUMENTAL TRACK as the version on the first CD on this entry. The only differences are that the audio quality is shittier, the vocals have been replaced by a crummy keyboard sound, and it fades out early. These two versions were a bitch to sync up, mainly because the instrumental tracks were likely recorded on analog equipment. The Dreamsound version had to be run through an EQ to make it sound a bit better.

Listen to Like a Virgin

Listen to True Blue

Listen to Material Girl

Listen to La Ilsa Bonita

Listen to two version of La Ilsa Bonita mixed together

Candlelight Romance - Guitar

Wow, that's a creative name. Apparently, all selections are courtesy of "Countdown Music". So, did the "Countdown Singers" obtain the rights to all the cheap imitations, or are the cheap imitations just part of a big jizz fest to make money? I would love to know the answer.

I wouldn't be surprised if this version of John Lennon's "Imagine" is played on a banjo. Roger Whittaker's "The Last Farewell" is actually good because it sounds like it was done by The Ventures. Why couldn't they have done the entire album like that? Speaking of The Ventures, the version of Sleepwalk on here is really bad. I'm pretty sure I have this version of "Every Breath You Take" with vocals elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to go digging for it.

Guess what? We have Lady in Fucking Red again! To my surprise, it's a completely different version than the fake Zamfir one.

Listen to Imagine

Listen to The Last Farewell

Listen to Sleepwalk

Listen to Every Breath You Take

Listen to Lady in Red

Candlelight Romance - Romantic Piano

Yes! We're in for more Candlelight Romance! When I think of Romance, I think of the song "My Way" which was included on here for some reason.

The only song I've pulled from this one is "Take My Breath Away". They replaced the vocal track with someone banging their head on a piano. As with the others, I've mixed the two versions together. The vocal version fades out slightly before the stupid piano one does. Again, they were a bit difficult to sync up due to the original likely being recorded on analog equipment.

Listen to Take My Breath Away

Listen to two version of Take My Breath Away mixed together

That's it for this round! I'm leaving for the Junq Tour tomorrow, so I'll have a couple bins worth of stuff to plow through and two videos to edit. I'm looking forward to seeing what trash I'll find this round. See you guys in a bit!

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

The Greatest Mainstream Recording Artists in Music History

We're taking a break from covering all the junk artists that I keep insisting on posting about, and instead focusing on some REAL music from REAL artists. I hope you guys enjoy the change of pace!

Anne-Marie Murray - Songs of Newfoundland

There came a point in Anne Murray's career when she decided to take a break from her middle-aged housewife music and dive head-first into Canada's thriving Newfie music scene. To distance herself from her old sound, she stupidly decided to use her middle name on the cover (pronounced "Anne Murray Murray"). What resulted was music that was even more fucking annoying than everything else she ever released. Thankfully, this album flopped and she went back to making housewife music, leaving this piece of trash behind and never to be revisited again. All of us should be thankful that Anne Murray Murray will happily sing "Snowbird" any day over "Petty Harbour Bait Skiff", whatever the hell that means.

Listen to The Star of Logy Bay

Genesis - From The Heart

The British group Genesis made a lot of hits back in the 1980s, none of which can be found on this album. During the conception of this piece of junk, Peter Gabriel forced the entire band to put down their instruments, go get make-overs, and record a bunch of cover songs acapella. Although Phil Collins tried to convince Peter that the album could at least use a few cymbals to fill out the sound, Peter was adamant that Phil Collins should take his cymbals and put them over his dick instead of trying to procreate ever again. 

Phil Collins (back), Mike Rutherford (left), Tony Banks (right), and Peter Gabriel (front) all boarded a plane together and flew from England to Winnipeg, Manitoba to record this masterpiece of stupidity. Peter Gabriel really thought that the single "Wind Beneath My Wings" was going to sell more copies than Bette Midler's version, but he got a taste of bitter reality when the album only sold nine copies (four by the band members).

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Listen to When Will I Be Loved

Tom Stinson - A Search for Peace

Tommy Stinson has been well known for his work with Guns N' Roses and The Replacements. Unfortunately at some point on tour with G'n'F'n'R, he seemingly found Jesus hiding in one of his guitar amps. He promptly quit the tour which resulted in Axl Rose erasing Tommy's guitar parts on the Chinese Democracy master tapes (again). He cut his hair like a dork, bought himself a $75 guitar from Wal-Mart, and set out to make solo artist history. Paul Westerberg told Tommy that he was a man of only a thousand brain cells to make such a stupid career move, but Tommy argued that Paul is way too dyslexic to know how to count anything in a person's body.

Tommy proudly released this solo album in 2005. Thankfully, Axle Rose was able to get ahold of the master tapes and erase them.

Listen to Man In The Sky

We will return to regular junk posts starting with the next entry...

Monday, May 24, 2021

These Terrible Elvis Tributes Made Me Cry In The Chapel (Part Three)

It's time to re-visit some really bad Elvis tributes! I've done some of these before (here and here), but I've accumulated a few more to tackle, and this is probably the worst batch so far. So let's get to it!

The Kool Kats - Music of Elvis Presley

Well, the cover has some shiny embossed gold lettering on the cover which is nice, but it doesn't scan well. Honestly, this CD is the best one of the lot. The covers are actually quite faithful to the originals, but you can tell this isn't Elvis. They were kind enough to make "Performed by The Kool Kats" in small dark text to fool all the baby boomers into buying this. How nice of them to rip off people on a fixed income.

Listen to Love Me Tender

Big Ross & The Memphis Sound - Elvis Presley's Golden Hits

Pickwick was kind enough to boldly state that Big Ross is the one singing on this album, but somebody obviously saw the name "Elvis" on this record at Woolco and wasted their $1.77 on it. Pickwick did a really excellent job mixing in a low buzzing noise throughout the whole recording.

The song "Suspicious Minds" is absolutely flat and lifeless, and the back up singer (yes, there's only one) sounds like she's bored out of her skull. On the plus side, they actually did the false ending on it. Most Elvis tribute albums don't bother with it because they already have the shopper by the balls with the word "Elvis" on the cover. "It's Now or Never" keeps the lifeless trend going, but Big Ross tries to make it fancy by doing his over-the-top vocal performance. All the other songs are pretty mediocre.

Listen to Suspicious Minds

Listen to It's Now Or Never

Jesup Singers - Heartbreak Hotel, Don't Be Cruel, and others

We know who this is just by the extremely loud cover art.. It's our friends at Fantastic F / Deville / Thunderbird Productions! Why did this company need so many different names? What are they trying to hide? Drugs? Deep fried peanut butter & banana sandwiches? 8-tracks that kill people during the first play? Who knows!

These covers are pretty bad, but we've come to expect that from Fantastic F. The guy talking through "Are You Lonesome Tonight" sounds like he's reading out a list of camping supplies that he can't use because of the pandemic. When he's singing "Hound Dog", he sounds like he's got a really bad chest infection. The guy on the guitar thinks he's Jimi fucking Hendrix. After the singer downs a bottle of Tequila, he slobbers his way through the song "Love Me". What glorious talent!

Listen to Are You Lonesome Tonight

Listen to Hound Dog

Listen to Love Me

Listen to Love Me Tender

Elvis Wade - It's Been 10 Years

So what's even better than a bunch of shitty Elvis covers? How about a bunch of shitty original songs about Elvis sung by a guy trying to sound like Elvis? The original songs occupy about half of the album with the other half being mediocre covers. My copy is autographed by the fake King himself. Each of the original songs are about how dead Elvis is, and make this album a truly miserable listening experience. One of the songs (The King is Gone) was written by another Elvis Impersonator named Ronnie McDowell who I covered in one of my previous entries. There seriously needs to be an intervention to stop Elvis impersonators from writing songs.

Wanna know something crazy about this guy? He's married to Sandy Posey! Honestly, I'd rather listen to her music instead of this piece of junk.

Listen to What's Gonna Happen To Your Memory

Listen to Memories of the King

Listen to The King Is Gone

Listen to It's Been 10 Years

Various Artists - Tribute to Elvis

There's a lot of people in the record collecting community who scoff at Pickwick's albums. Little do they know that Pickwick was simply distributed much better than the grotesque steaming shit that came from Canada's Arc Records. Personally, I found the Pickwick Elvis album to be of better quality than this one. This disaster was distributed by Arc International and apparently made it's way into my hands from England. I feel like I must apologize to all the Brits out there on behalf of Arc Records for stinking up their country.

The most unique thing about this record is that it contains Elvis songs that aren't generally found on other Elvis tribute albums. Some of the odd choices are "Wild in the Country", "Wooden Heart", "A Mess of Blues", "King Creole", and "Let's Have a Party". Not only that, all the artists are actually credited on this album. Although it's a sign of decency, it's not a sign of quality.

The covers are fucking terrible. The performances are fucking terrible. The quality of the vinyl is fucking terrible. I've had bad luck trying to clean records from Arc because the vinyl usually degrades with every cleaning. I wouldn't be surprised if they chopped up previous performers who didn't sell enough records and threw the body parts into the vat of molten vinyl to help keep the costs down. In summary, I transferred a fairly dirty and noisy LP.

The singer of "Hard Headed Woman" decided to sing "Ah-heh-heh" instead of "Uh-huh-huh", making it sound like he's giggling from someone tickling his balls with a feather. "I Got Stung" sounds nothing like the original. "It's Now or Never" has become a really bad spanish song with a shitty Engelbert Humperdinck impersonator singing it. "Jailhouse Rock" is sung by a guy with a bad case of rabies. I wouldn't be surprised if he ate the band after the performance, which may actually be a good thing.

Listen to Jailhouse Rock

Listen to Hard Headed Woman

Listen to I Got Stung

LIsten to It's Now or Never

Listen to Stuck on You

Wow, that was really bad. Perhaps we should take a break from the knock-off artists and review some genuine ones. Could it really happen??? We shall see...

Monday, May 10, 2021

Let's Chew On Some Turds

It's been a while since I posted something. My job has been driving pine cones up my ass, and I've been trying to get my new workspace finished which will probably never be finished at this rate. Anyway, here's some crappy albums. Unfortunately for you, most of these artists play country music. Sorry.

Kenny Parrott - Favourites

NONE of these songs are my favourites.

This is the first Kenny Parrott album I ever purchased (around 10 years ago) and I'm only getting around to it now. I've since reviewed Vol.2 and Vol.3. I think it's absurd how many people from Manitoba (the city of Brandon specifically) are willing travel to Branson Missouri, see Kenny Parrott live, and buy his crappy albums (this one is autographed. Watch me rake in the dillies when I put it up on ebay). I believe this album predates Vol.1 which makes me question Kenny's ability to count.

You know what else is crazy? Kenny's been recording albums since the mid-1980s. You'd think that each one would move him an inch closer to superstardom, but unfortunately Kenny doesn't have a ruler (nor can he count) so he's stuck playing music in Branson Hell for all of eternity.

This tape is nothing but mundane country and adult contemporary garbage. There's no stand out tracks here, but I'll let you guys have one anyway...

Listen to There's a Tear in my Beer

Travis Barre

When my kid was in grade four, he had a teacher named Mr. Barre. Imagine my joy when I found this at the thrift store! Apparently he's just an elementary school teacher by day, but he's a terrible country music artist by night. I think I would have been happier if this album was full of songs about bratty kids who smell like Cheetos. Yes, 60% of all children smell like Cheetos. If you don't believe me, just walk into an elementary school and take a whiff (and then get kicked out like the creep that you are).

On the back of the album, we see that Travis is staring longingly at the guitar's neck, hoping to nibble on it and get it in the mood to play. We also notice that it's an HDCD just in case you crave some extra bits of Travis. Also, why the hell is there a "radio version" of one of the songs on here? Who the hell would want to put this on the radio? He's not singing about fucking someone in the ass, so I don't know why there's a problem with the original version other than it being a lousy song

Listen to Grow Old With Me (the non-radio version)

Lorne Power - My Yellowknife Home

There's no power in this music. It's just wimpy imitation Newfie music with a really bad mix. The rhythm section is brought to you by Casio. I'll give the guy credit though... Nobody else wanted to write a song about Yellowknife.

Listen to My Yellowknife Home

Mark Prindle - Smilehouse: The Tragic Remains of an Abandoned Masterpiece

Whenever I'm working on an album that I'm reviewing on Classical Gas Emissions, I usually skim through each of the songs to make things go faster. With each of the songs on this album averaging one minute in length, I was forced to listen to it from front to back, and it's a VERY difficult listening experience.

So here's how I got this CD... Mark Prindle has a music review site where he used to review entire discographies. I sent him one album he needed to complete a discography, and to show his appreciation, he sent me a copy of this album. It made me question his level of appreciation. If you've ever heard the sound of a garbage truck emptying itself, there's no need for you to pick up this album. It is without a doubt the musical equivalence. 

If my memory serves me correctly, the song titles are just the descriptive file names that Mark used on whatever piece of equipment he made the music on. Then he went back years later and wrote lyrics based on the file names. Here's a few amusing quotes...

Xylodark: "This is the song of Xylodark, Hi everybody my name is Mark"

Popviolin: "My pop plays a violin. He plays it all day! He plays it all night! He plays it for you! He plays it for me!"

President: "Assassinate the president" (looped)

60snoisx: "Let's Put The "60s Noise X" back in "Sex""

8riffs: "This song has 8 riffs and all of them stink"

Keybord: "I was typing on my keyboard. Typing an important word. Along came a bird. And yeah he dropped a turd."

Every song title has a comment in parenthesis at the end of it. Some examples are "country version", "with orchestra" and "karaoke". There's quite a few songs about violins and you get to hear the occasional nice harmony, but most of it sounds like 12 dogs vomiting at the same time.

Listen to Xylodark

Listen to Popviolin

Jack Nelson and Country Line - Recorded Live

So what could be worse than the noisy Mark Prindle album? Well, here's an album that apparently has some sort of a noise gate on it. You only get to hear the loud parts of the songs while the quiet parts are almost completely muted. It's not even a nice and clear loud sound, it's a distorted pile of muddy shit. It also doesn't help that it's country music. I find it hard to believe that these assholes said "Yes! This is a quality product! Let's release it for everyone to be annoyed by it." If I had a recording of my band that sounded this bad, I would keep it for myself and record another live show to hopefully get a better recording. My only guess as to why this thing sounds the way it does is that there was a bunch of hum, hiss, or crackling in the recording, and they filtered the piss out of it to make it sound "better". They should have filtered the whole goddam thing and threw the master recording in the trash.

Listen to Elvira

Listen to Lay You Down

Well, that was fun! I'm thinking of doing another entry on recorded records fairly soon. I've been finding a ton of them lately, and I'm curious to see what kind of ancient recordings are on them. However, I also haven't done any knock-off albums lately, so perhaps I should put that in my sights. Be back soon!

Friday, April 2, 2021

It's Bunny and Rabbit Season!

Easter is upon us! The bunnies are hopping around shitting out colorful eggs, and chickens are... ummm... well they just shit on everything. I can't remember the last time I did an Easter entry, so you're welcome. Here's a couple of items to get you in the mood for eating cheap chocolate...

The Story of Who Framed Roger Rabbit

This is what you get when your parents are too cheap to take you to the theatre to see the latest D*sney movie. Normally, I wouldn't tackle anything made by D*sney for a number of reasons, but this was just too interesting for me to pass up. I almost NEVER see this kind of packaging for stories on cassette anymore, although I used to see them all the time in the mid to late 1980s. I'm fairly certain this was done to cut down costs on production, as this was also released on LP and CD. 

The booklet this thing comes with is really nice. You can't tell by the picture, but it's really colorful and pleasant to look at. Unfortunately, the cassette wasn't recorded with as much quality and care. I find the tape to be a bit muddy on sound, but that might be partially due to the quality of the narrator's voice track. The guy sounds like he should be yapping away on those cassettes that came from Amway.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a pretty big deal back in 1988. They promoted the hell out of this film and even did a TV special where they showed a "behind the scenes" look at how they made the movie. I've only seen the movie once which was around 15 years ago. Honestly, I've seen better movies. I couldn't even really remember what the plot was until I looked at the booklet and listened to the cassette, and even then I'm having trouble remembering it.

I'm only posting a short clip of the audio because I don't need any hassle from Mickey Mouse or anything.

Listen to a clip!

The Tyrolean Mountain Boys - The Chicken Yodel

Classical Gas Emissions appears to be increasing it's yodelling content. Is that a good thing?

You know what the worst part about this album is? The person who drew the album cover didn't get any credit for their work. You can tell it was done by one person, and they were probably really proud of it. Then the Tyrolean Mountain Boys took the artwork, said "fuck you, we're taking all the credit" and the artist was so upset that they never drew anything ever again. What a sad story.

This album was recorded by a bunch of German guys fresh out of English class. For the most part, I can't understand what the fuck they're singing. They're better at playing the accordion and tuba than they are at speaking English.

Aside from the Chicken song, this album is filled with songs that I've seen from the various Newfie albums that I've reviewed. I have absolutely no desire to revisit these songs with their added German accent. I'd rather put on a Slim Whitman album.

Listen to The Chicken Yodel

And there you have it! My favourite part about Easter is watching the psychotic customers at Wal-Mart fighting over the discounted smashed chocolate bunnies and eggs on the following Monday.

Friday, March 26, 2021

Lacquer Records from the CBC

A few weeks ago at Value Village, I found a huge lot of acetates / lacquers / transcript records (whatever you wanna call them) that came from the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC). The CBC is Canada's national public broadcaster which transmits programs via radio and TV and has separate stations for English and French which are Canada's two official languages. Thankfully, these records are in English.

When I found these, there were two records in the lot that were completely unplayable. All the lacquer containing all the grooves had flaked off, leaving nothing but the aluminium core. However, There were still 8 records that looked playable, so I grabbed them. A couple of them are chipping on the edges which leads me to believe that they have a fairly limited life. 

I'm an absolute sucker for these discs, probably because I'm likely the only person who owns a copy of whatever's recorded on them. I am unsure if the CBC has copies of these or not. It seems like some CBC employee just took these home and stuffed them in his basement to rot over the last 70 years. All of these records date from 1952. I'm only speculating that the guy who took these got fired for stealing company property.

The logo you see above is quite interesting. The lightning bolts have a silver shine on them which doesn't scan accurately. Some of the records play from the inside outward. 

These records were absolutely filthy, so I cleaned them with nothing but distilled water and a record cleaning brush. I figured using any sort of chemicals would likely deteriorate them further. I tried playing them with both a 33 RPM and a 78 RPM stylus. The 33 RPM one sounded better, although I'd probably get better results if it was just a bit thicker. However, I'm not in the market to buy a ton of styli just to transfer 8 records without gaining any kind of profit. You get what you get with these digital transfers.

Anyway, let's begin our audio adventure, going in chronological order. Click on the titles to hear the recordings.

Record 1

Side 1: This Week in B.C. (April 30, 1952)

Farming and weather coverage for the last week in B.C. This was recorded on an Audiodisc record. I'm very unsure why there's a "FLAT" stamp on the record. Did they test these to make sure they were usable? Did recordable records often show up that weren't flat? Could someone shed some light on this?

Side 2: You've Been a Liar

Well, this starts off with the William Tell Overture, followed by some jazz shit, and then we get a performance by Fred Astaire & Jane Powell which is probably the most enjoyable part of this side of the record.

Record 2

Side 1: Farm Item: Potatoes (June 25, 1952)

If you like potatoes, you'll love this record! It appears that Winnipeg's potato shipment has been delayed. Along with learning about where potatoes go and where they come from, we get to find out how much potatoes cost... 10-11 cents per pound, and $105 per tonne. Why would anybody complain about this???

This was recorded on an Audiodisc record.

Side 2: Cecilia

This is a performance of a song originally by Jack Smith. I have no clue who the two people are performing it, but I think it's better than the original version. That dude has a really low voice! Then we get an accordion music break followed by another performance by the same two people.

Record 3

Side 1: CBW Call #1CBW Call #2 (July 20, 1952)

These records were obviously made in Manitoba (more specifically, Winnipeg). These two calls mention a democratic convention that was to be broadcast on July 21, 1952. They were to be used the day before and the day of the convention. It's interesting to note the days in which these records were recorded, the initials of the person who recorded it, and also the "PLAYED" stamp on it. I believe this record, along with all that follow were recorded on Presto blanks.

If you want to read about the actual convention, here's a Wikipedia link. However, I found this piece to be the most relevant and interesting:

The 1952 Democratic convention was the second political convention to be televised live, coast-to-coast (following the Republican Convention weeks earlier).[5] Experiments in regionally broadcasting conventions took place during the Democratic and Republican conventions in 1948, however 1952 was the first year in which networks carried nationwide coverage of political conventions.

Side 2: Tassinari 

An absolutely horrendous opera performance by some guy named Tassinari.

Record 4

Side 1: This Week in Ontario & Quebec (Aug 16, 1952)

Apparently, there was a really bad outbreak of Foot & Mouth disease (I've had it in my adult life which was NOT fun). You also get to learn about cattle and poultry.

Side 2: Piano Playhouse (Aug 30, 1952)

Exactly what it says.

Record 5

Side 1: Family Worship (Sept 3, 1952)

Apparently, the world required a short program called "Family Worship" every morning of the week. With this particular episode, you learn how to get friends.

Side 2: De Styx

I can't make out the first word because the label is all mouldy in that spot, but it's another god awful opera performance. People in the 1950s really enjoyed shitty music.

Record 6

Side 1: Family Worship (Sept 4, 1952)

A word-by-word analysis of the phrase "Give us this day our daily bread". Perhaps one day I should analyze the deepness of a digital camera manual that was poorly translated from Chinese to English and release it on vinyl.

Side 2: Good Old Days

Some piano music for your enjoyment.

Record 7

Side 1: Family Worship (Sept 5, 1952)

You get a story about how a guy failed to measure the depth of an ocean and how the Lord's love is that deep, except more "wordy" in a religious kind of way.

Side 2: Scarf Dance & Piano Playhouse

A classical music piece, followed by a pretty decent piano medley.

Record 8

Many of these records seemed to come unlabelled and the CBC glued their own label on them. I should have searched a bit more at the thrift store for the label that had likely just fallen off this record. Oh well.

Side 1: Some German Guy

Your guess is as good as mine as to what this guy is talking about. This record played from the inside out.

Side 2: Johnny Standley - Little Bo Peep / Mrs. O'Malley

This was a very famous comedy sketch during the early 1950s. You can find cleaner versions of it floating around. This version has most of the Mrs. O'Malley song chopped off, but there's a little bit of commentary at the end from someone working at the CBC.

Well, that was fun! I absolutely love finding radio station stuff out in the wild. Unfortunately for these records, I don't count on them being playable the next time I come across them. They will likely deteriorate into an unplayable state in the next few years. At least we have digital copies now.