Friday, December 31, 2021

Junq Tour 2020: Morden (Hope)

All of this stuff came from the "Hope" thrift store in Morden. Hope turned into a blessing of musical thrash. I completely avoided the other thrift store since I never find much there and it's usually overpriced anyway.

The Stories of Ethel Barrett For The Children Vol. 3

This lady scares me. She has angry eye brows and she's not smiling. This is the kind of woman who looks like she'd beat her kids with a wooden spatula. Also, it took me forever to figure out what the hell was peeking out from under her dress. It's her stinky toes! The only way I figured that out was by realizing that this woman still had her legs. I initially thought her dress was a round throw rug. 

Also, what's with her earrings? They look like 3v coin cell batteries. Perhaps that's why she appears to have a shockingly evil look on her face.

Anyway, most of the stories on this record are bible stories. I would recommend reading the bible instead of listening to her interpret them for you. However, there is one story on here that isn't from the bible. It's a story of how she and her cousin were left at home as young children (which is thankfully illegal now) and how they decided to defend themselves against a burglar by getting Ethel's dad's gun (which is also thankfully illegal now). The story would have been much more interesting if there was blood shed, and Ethel looks like she's perfectly capable of it.

Listen to What Are You Afraid Of

The Wiebe Family - Send The Light

Oh look! It's the Christian sunset again! I have to wonder if there's a particular mindset when choosing this for an album cover, or if it's a requirement of a particular religion? Here, let's see if I can make my own sunset album cover...

Wow, I should contract my work out to everyone in the Christian Wheat Belt.

According to the cover, this is the stereo version of the album. I would have been much happier with the mono version.

This album is full of organ, accordian, bass guitar, and people who can't fucking sing. Surprisingly, I can't hear any male voices on this recording. They were probably hard at work making the album cover. If I were to give the Wiebe family a piece of advice, it would be to hire better singers for their next album.

Listen to Send The Light

Listen to Will There Be Any Stars

The Stutzman Sisters - It's Raining

It's raining men! Or maybe boys. Or maybe chastity belts.

This is a very clean, well-produced sounding album. The artwork is well done, the liner notes are informative (except for a lack of release year), and it's almost worthy of getting tossed into the trash for being too mundane and mediocre for this blog. However, the youngest Stutzman sister (who is five years old) made one appearance on the album, and it's the most disgusting song that no child should be singing. We'll get to that in a moment...

Three of the four websites listed on the album are dead. Two of them show up in the Wayback machine, and they're just boring blogs that were kept by the two girls on the cover. According to the actual Stutzman website, this family has made 13 albums in total. Why aren't they more famous? You'd think they would have landed worldwide stardom by this point.

Anyway, enough yapping from me. Let's get to the filthy little number (or two numbers in this case) that should make most people cringe.

Listen to Daddy's Hands / I Want To Marry Daddy

All Together Now: 13 Songs Made Popular by The Beatles

There are only four kids on the cover, but it took 36 people to record this piece of shit.

Apparently, this is the sequel to the "All You Need is Love" album which I'm sure is in my queue box somewhere. Given how terrible this one is, I can only guess how bad the other one will be.

This album has a (2000s era) modern arrangement for these classic (and not-so-classic) Beatles songs. I like a lot of the Beatles' material, but I wouldn't exactly say I'm a die-hard fan which explains why there are some songs on here I don't know. Apparently they dug into some album cuts that the average person won't remember. However, there's plenty of well-known Beatles songs that you will no longer recognize. These songs may as well have been done by that Crazy Frog fad. If anything I would have preferred a Crazy Frog arrangement over this electronic pop-centric garbage.

There is nothing on this album that's appealing to anybody. It's fucking terrible. Why make a kid's Beatles album? Why not give them a real Beatles album? I'm sure a copy of the red or the blue album would be sufficient and much more enjoyable than this eletronic vomit-fest.

Listen to We Can Work It Out

Listen to From Me To You

Download the whole thing

We've got three stops in Winkler, but we won't get to those until 2022. The new year promises to have a plethora of more lousy finds, so fasten your seatbelts and cover your ears!

Monday, December 27, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Carman

Welcome back to the Junq Tour! There wasn't much at the Carman thrift store, but there was enough to annoy the hell out of you.

Tom Comerford - Celtic Classics

Yup it's Irish Celtic Newfie music. On the cover, we have Tom romantically necking with his guitar. I wonder if he's going to stick anything in the hole? He also autographed this for someone apparently named "Erthee", but according to Tom's writing, his last name is spelled "Comefan" which explains a lot given the nature of the cover.

So is his music better than his writing? Well, it sounds like the Eddie Coffey garbage except genuinely more Irish. It's mediocre at best. On the plus side, he does a cover of my favourite Metallica song.

Listen to Whiskey in the Jar

Frederic Rey, Tenor / John Holland, Organ - The Lord Is My Light: Sacred Classics

You know it's a Christian album when you have the mandatory Christian sunset on the cover. What is it with the sunset? Are we waiting for the light of the Lord to go away? I wish he would have intervened when this album was being recorded. Oh wait, he did... 

The Lord commanded in the second chapter of Revelation that the right channel be cast into the abyss. As a result, there is only audio on the left channel and I was way too fucking lazy to fix it.

My CD drive also doesn't want to play the tracks near the end of the album, proving that the Lord wasn't exactly happy with this project to have it turn out so poorly.

Listen to Come Ye Blessed

The Sandersons - Tell Them All

This is probably my 7th album by a group called "The Sandersons" and they're probably all different. I guess it's a really catchy name to call your band, just like "Nirvana" and "Saga". Unfortunately, this sounds nothing like any of the Nirvana and Saga bands in existence.

According to track 10, Apryl (the girl in the middle) is blind. It also became apparent that Apryl's surname is NOT "Sanderson". I find it quite shameful that the Sandersons exploited Apryl's disability in this fashion. I honestly think that Apryl's talent stands on it's own merit. That being said, I would like to congratulate Apryl on being the first truly talented disabled person to appear on Classical Gas Emissions. It only took 14 years! Unfortunately, Apryl wasted her voice on a lot of really crappy songs. Fortunately, she will have a chance to redeem herself since this isn't her last appearance on this Junq Tour. Stay tuned...

After listening to this album, it's clear that Apryl is the true star here. Jim Sanderson sounds like my grandmother would have if she didn't die back in 1996 (she would be 108 years old today.) Kate Sanderson's only talent on this album is telling everybody that Apryl is disabled. If you ask me, Kate is the one who's disabled with her lack of musical talent and her idiocy.

Listen to He Pours His Love On Me

Listen to What Won't Be There

Listen to What's Your Gift

The Sandersons - Just Who We Are

Guess what? This is almost the same album as the last one except Jim is singing it all and doesn't get any better. If you need to get a Sandersons album, don't buy this piece of shit. It's hard for me to admit, but the other one is a lot better.

Fortunately, we can still enjoy Jim singing about getting covered in Jesus juice.

Listen to He Pours His Love On Me

When we get to Morden, we'll be visiting a brand new store which is bigger and better than the other expensive piece of crap store that I didn't bother stopping at.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Worst Christmas Ever

 We interrupt the Junq Tour to bring you Christmas music. Sorry. This probably marks one of the worst Christmas entries I've done to date. Again, sorry. 

Flo Price - Christmas 2020: The Return of Orion and Myah

Yes! We have a record released in 1984 that predicted the worst Christmas of the 21st century! Instead of a worldwide pandemic that kills thousand of people and destroys the world's economy, we have a kid accidentally time travelling and getting lost in Bethlehem after aliens visit the planet. The Christians finally got one of their prophecies right.

You can't ask for a vinyl record to age worse than this. However, the record talks about a "chip deficiency" which is a genuine problem the world is having as of this writing. Tech product releases are experiencing delays, both in the professional and in the hobbyist world due to chip shortages. There are also vinyl shortages causing problems with music releases, so melting this album down and using it for the latest Megadeth release isn't out of the question.

One of the kids on this record brags that he's getting a 1024k Tangerine computer with a universal interface. I knew Tangerine computers existed (and were originally released in 1979 with 48k of RAM), but they are quite rare. 1024 kilobytes of RAM is a bit low for the tech-savvy world we currently live in.

As for the kids travelling back to bible times, they discover that the people from the bible speak perfectly clear English as opposed to Hebrew. The kids also apparently know what Micah looks like. This record is a flaming pile of horse shit every way you look at it.

The album is mainly filled with music, so I made an edited version that only has the dialogue. It's nearly a whole eight minutes long. I've had farts last longer than this story.

Listen to the dialogue

Download the whole album

Boxcar Newfie - Merry Christmas

The funny thing about Boxcar Newfie is that he doesn't really play Newfie music which is somewhat a relief. Perhaps there is hope for the music scene in Newfoundland since this album isn't the worst thing I've ever heard, although I'm fairly certain Boxcar had a few drinks before recording Jingle Bells. I'm pretty sure that drunkenness is more of a given than an exception in Newfoundland.

In the insert, Boxcar Newfie begs you to collect his five other releases. The fact that he has five other albums (one of which I have) proves that he's yet another music making machine that I need to start covering on this site.

Listen to Jingle Bells 

Kris's Khristmas Karols 2004 - Hey, Join the Fuckin' Club

I covered a bunch of these back in 2018. It seems that I had accidentally left one behind, so I'm presenting it here. Again, these are just mix CDs with interesting pictures and liner notes. Apparently someone's car got stolen and it was really worth remembering. Here are scans of all the custom artwork.

Maryam Malak - Christmas Essentials

I honestly thought this woman's name was Daryam, given that the first letter of her name looks like a letter D on the cover. I can't exactly figure out how that fucking thing is supposed to look like a letter "M". She should have called herself "Dayam Makeup" after giving herself the Tammy Faye treatment. As for the cover photo, it's pretty easy to tell who took it.

This album was sealed. It also came in a slim case which makes the packaging a bit unusual. Daryam put a high gloss sticker on the back featuring a picture of herself wearing too much fucking makeup, and a track listing, showing that the album includes the essential Christmas songs "Rockin Around" and "O Holly Nigth"

In case you're wondering, no that's not a Spanish accent. That's just her having difficulty singing due to the weight of the makeup on her face.

Listen to Rockin Around

Ecole Powerview School - Winter Wonderland

This one was sealed, and I shamefully opened it up and unleashed the atrocious noise that was contained within. This is by far the worst Christmas album I've ever listened to. The credits list Cindi Cain as being the vocal coach. Cindi Cain was a Canadian country singer who released one album in the 1980s. She also has a sister who dated my cousin. The fact that this album turned out so fucking terrible makes me question both Cindi's ability to sing and her ability to teach singing. Every other album I've covered in the past year is better than this garbage. I'll take my criticism back if I find out that this is a school for the deaf and hard of hearing.

If the children at this school genuinely don't have hearing problems, then I have to question the teachers. What teacher in their right mind said, "These kids sound great! We should put them on an album and we'll sell a million copies so we can refurbish the gymnasium!" Christian schools are much better at teaching their kids to sing, but they probably beat them with meter sticks.

I hope that you guys burn yourselves copies of this album and bring them to gatherings with family that you don't like. Tell them that this is Canada proud. Tell them that this is a Cindi Cain Christmas album. Tell them that your kid is singing on it. Hell, tell them that YOU are singing on it. If anybody throws up while listening to this album, be happy that it's not at your house.

Listen to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Listen to Jingle Bells

Download the whole thing

Well, that covers Christmas for this year! I'm going to probably just work on Junq Tour entries and put them in queue until after Christmas. Until then, I wish you the very best and I'll be more than happy to torture you after the holidays.

Sunday, December 5, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Brandon (Value Village)

It's taken a bit to get this one out, but I'm happy to announce that I'm officially writing this from my new workspace! This is only one of four "stations" in this room The other three are for repairs, retro computers, and recording music, all of which haven't been set up yet. There's still a long way to go before this room is tweaked to my liking (and the window needs some trim), but I'm quite happy with it so far. Anyway, let's get to the last entry for day one of the Junq Tour...

Peter Appleyard - Vibes

So here's a riddle... What do you get when you throw a Canadian Xylophonist into a Pickwick recording studio? You get a song about me! Seriously, there's a song called "Ben" on here and yes, it's the Michael Jackson one. I would heavily qualify this album as a necessity for any television studio who has moments of "technical difficulties". The xylophone will soothe the viewer's anger at missing their favourite episode of Bonanza while the A/V technician is trying to pull the episode out of the VTR that just ate the fucking thing.

Apparently this album was previously released under the title "The Lincolnshire Poacher", but the album looked way too British to qualify for the Canadian Talent Library (they use the word "talent" very loosely over there), so instead, they took a picture of colored lights, because that's way more Canadian than an Englishman with his horse.

Again, this is "technical difficulties" music. I guess it takes talent to make music this mundane.

Listen to Ben

A Giant Leap of Faith Vol 3

This CD has all the ingredients to indicate that it's a Christian compilation, but the songs and bands don't appear to be Christian. The previous two volumes are listed on Discogs and surprisingly, the first volume was released on a vinyl LP.

There is a lot of influence here from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Many of these bands try their hand at funk rock, but they really shouldn't. The best thing about this CD is the song by Blind Caddy who seemingly try to sound like U2, but are much better because Bono is pleasantly absent.

Listen to Are You Ready to Party by Vivid

Listen to Alone by Weasel

Listen to State Side Smile by Blind Caddy

Scott Cooper - Strumming

What a stunning album cover! I'll bet that one took days to come up with. Here, let's see if I can duplicate this genius...

Nope, doesn't even come close. This cover took three people to make.

Here's a picture of Scott scratching his head, wondering why Dave didn't "dig" this CD.

Surprisingly, Scott's website is still up and running although it hasn't been updated in the last six years. If you have nothing going on for six years, it's time to put the costs of the website toward getting a new life.

Scott had one of his albums released on vinyl, so I went to check out the record label who released it and see about buying a copy. It turns out the record label was actually just a cafe who closed its doors in 2020. I'm willing to bet all of Scott's vinyl records are either in the trash, or he took them back and has all of them hanging on his wall to remind him that he was once a successful musician signed to a place where you can get cheese toast.

I'll bet that Crosley turntable adds brilliance and depth to Scott's music. Looks like he kept two coins handy to put on the head shell to prevent that piece of shit from skipping.

Most of the music on here is boring, but Scott has released what I would consider to be one of the worst love songs I've ever heard. I'm pretty sure the girl he wrote this for would get a restraining order after hearing the lyric "your love is way better for me than crack".

Listen to Touch

Music & Forklore Assoc. of Eastman Inc. Proudly Presents Rural Roots #1

Hey look! It's the last profitable thing that Kodak ever made!

This is a compilation of people drunk on different kinds of alcohol who decided to play music. There is one good song on here and the rest ranges from bad to awful. You have yodelling, casio, Kermit the Frog, an old man, and really bad guitar playing all on one cassette. There is also a sticker on the inside that explains some errors that need to be corrected on the inlay. All of these probably contributed to the ultimate failure of Eastman Kodak. The only good song on here is "I Need a Man". The rest should have been flushed down the toilet.

Listen to My Swiss Moonlight Lullaby by Stan Kula

Listen to I Need a Man by Angela Fiebelkorn

Download the whole thing

This brings a close to day one of the Junq Tour. I've come to the conclusion that I won't be done posting Junq Tour entries until sometime in the new year which is likely due to both getting my workspace all finished and the sheer volume of garbage I acquired this year. Hopefully things will move a bit faster now that I have somewhere decent to bang away at my keyboard and destroy my stereo equipment with bad music.