Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Barbie's Terrible Albums

Since I've been home sick, I've taken the opportunity to make myself feel worse and review some Barbie albums. I honestly think that leaving Barbie's personality and voice to the imagination of the child playing with the doll was in the best interest of Mattel, but what the hell do I know? I'm a boy and I don't play with dolls.

So let's see what Barbie has to offer in terms of music, shall we?

Barbie World Tour Party Mix

I'm failing to understand the purpose of this album. The only thing Barbie related about this CD is that her name is on the cover and the disc. The first thing you hear when you play it is a male voice that doesn't belong to One Direction singing a song by One Direction. I immediately thought, "Oh, is this Ken singing like he did back in the 1970s?" The answer is no. Neither Ken nor Barbie's voices appear anywhere on here (at least as far as the album credits inform me, and even those are vague).

It's just a bunch of stupid studio musicians performing awful pop songs that were popular in 2012. You get songs by Carly Rae Jespen, Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and a bunch of other shitty artists that nobody will remember in 20 years.

Choosing a song from here was difficult, because they're all terrible. I went with the Bruno Mars song, simply because he's a bit more respectable than everyone else who's covered on this disc. I can't really tell if this is a good version or not because I don't know this song, and I don't really care to know it. Thankfully, Bruno got better over the years.

Listen to Just The Way You Are

Barbie Hit Mix 2

I don't have Hit Mix 1, nor do I think I want to buy it. This is pretty much the same garbage as the World Tour Party Mix, except I actually know a few of these songs. If your wondering why the cover looks like a pixelated mess, it's because it's half covered in glitter, and glitter doesn't scan worth a damn. However, it makes Barbie look like she's in desperate need of dental work.

The inlay contains some "fun" stuff to do. You get instructions on how to plan your perfect pop star party.

Honestly, I think the promise of lip gloss and tons of hair accessories would make me want to stay home from this party.

In step 3, I'm instructed to visit Barbie.com and use the Fashion Fever Dream Closet. Unfortunately, it seems to have vanished. However, I ended up getting side-tracked by playing the Barbie Potty Race. I shit you not!

Your goal is to get your little sister to the toilet before she shits and pisses herself. When you are successful, this is what happens:

Yes, she lays a brown egg and allows it to swim in a golden pool of disgustingness. You can easily kill 10-15 minutes by playing the game here.

Since the music on the album is credited to NOBODY, you get to claim the fame for yourself! You are given instructions on how to choose your band name:

I ended up with "Super Rocket Party" which sounds like a bunch of naked guys fucking each other in the ass. For your sausage fest, I figured the cheap imitation Gwen Stefani song was a prime choice cut.

Listen to Hollaback Girl

Barbie Country Favorites

Yeah! Now we're talking! Barbie actually DOES SOMETHING other than having her name plastered onto an album of cheap imitations! Ken is here too! Too bad he's plays absolutely no significance in the story.

Here's what you get... Five songs, one is repeated, and a story about Barbie visiting Bar-B Ranch. Barbie is NOT the owner of the ranch. For some reason, a guy named "Cactus Clem" gave it that name. After Barbie calls him "Mr. Cactus", five minutes of the album is wasted while he laughs at how stupid Barbie is.

The plot of the story is that Barbie brings her horse Dallas (yes, Mattel made one) and they spontaneously plan on entering her in the horse show. A storm comes during the night and the horse runs away while Ken and Barbie are sleeping in separate rooms. It's clear that Ken wasn't getting any pussy while they were visiting the ranch.

The next morning, they go out searching for the horse. To their horror, they discover Dallas has been turned into glue. Everybody cries, they sing country music, and the album is over.

My favourite part of the album is when Ken says, "Oh come on Barbie, you've GOT to know SOMETHING!" Barbie's such a dumb bitch.

Two of the songs are covers of old traditional songs, one is a parody of John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy", and the other two are crappy originals.

Download The Album!

Listen to Thank God I'm a Country Girl
Listen to Betsy From Pike
Listen to Dallas, Come Home
Listen to Don't Let Go
Listen to My Darlin' Clementine

Honestly, all this Barbie music has made me feel worse. Time to go get wasted on some cough medicine.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Music for Moving, Praising, Pumping and Thrusting

Well it's about bloody time I made another blog entry, isn't it? I guess I shall explain myself... I've been in the process of selling my current house and buying a new one. I'd forgotten how stressful all of this was, but I found myself a nice piece of land that I just had to have. The only drawback is the new house is about the same size as my current one, but I should have enough money to build a decent addition onto it. In other words, I'm going to get a new space to do my blogging and my videos. It became evident that it was needed as well. I get possession at the beginning of September.

This is probably going to be the year that I've blogged the least. Go figure that it's Classical Gas Emissions' 10th anniversary year, and I wanted to pour a lot more content into it. However, the good news is that I'm eventually going to have some new and much-needed space for blogging and videos. Unfortunately, that new space won't happen until late 2018, but that's not to say I won't be able to do it in the space that I'm going to have. It'll just be a bit cramped until next summer when I can get the addition built onto my house. So over the next few months, updates will continue to be slow as I pack all my shit for moving.

However, blogging has never been easier since I have pre-selected items for entries! This time around, I've plucked some exercise tapes. We've got some pumping, thrusting, and contracting to get your balls and tits all sweaty! Let's get down to business...

Integrity Music Fitness - Praise Workout 1

The luscious blonde on the cover can work me out anytime she wants! Too bad she probably believes in keeping her virginity until marriage.

I'm not really sure why these cassettes even exist. I mean, can't Christians just pray to God and ask for their fat to fall off their body? I suppose that's not how it works. They just have to ask God for the dedication to exercise and play this tape every day. That's probably not how it works either though.

This is all over-the-top gospel music that is supposed to help get your halo in shape and exercise your faith. We have exciting song titles such as "Give Unto The Lord" , "Bless The Lord", "Blessed Be The Lord", "Jesus Christ Is Lord" and "For The Lord He Is Great". Lyrical creativity is at an all time high as you can see.

This cassette doesn't come with a poster or instructions or anything, so I'm guessing your workout consists of fainting to the ground and getting back up repeatedly, for the Lord He is great.

Listen to "All Of My Life"

Get In Shape Girl - Pump'n Run

This cassette was released by Hasbro sometime in the 1980s. In other words, it was directed at parents who had fat daughters. She would open it up at Christmas as a message from Santa that she was a tubby little donut, and it would be a contrast to the box of milk chocolates that she ended up pigging out on regardless because her feelings were hurt. Like Santa isn't a fat fuck himself.

The title of the cassette was derived from an overweight girl's fate as a teenager. If she doesn't get in shape (girl), her destiny is dating boys who'll just pump and run.

As you can see, the chubby little princess who owned this cassette put tape over the record-protect holes, and she recorded some songs from the radio, probably while eating a bag of potato chips. Nevertheless, she didn't fill the tape, so I was able to get some of the original recording digitized.

Side B is in French for those girls who ate too many french fries, and Hasbro used a horrible duplication plant which left the French side bleeding through to the English side. So if you're French and into Satanism, you'll have no problem hearing all the backwards messages.

Listen to Get In Shape Girl

Fitness Fun For Everyone K-3

I bought this at a yard sale, solely for the interesting titles listed on the tape. It's a workout program for school-aged children and was obviously recorded from an LP, probably using an old Califone record player and tape deck. I'd love to get a set of those just for the notalgia.

The "songs" or "workouts" are very short, and I've included the ones with the most amusing titles for your enjoyment.

Listen to Abdominal Pumping
Listen to Abdominal Contractions
Listen to Leg Thrust

Body Break - Get Movin'... Keep Movin'!

For those of you who aren't in Canada, allow me to introduce Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod. These two dominated the PSA spots during Canadian daytime TV in the late 1980s and early 1990s with their exercise and dieting tips. This was usually the time when you would go take a shit while waiting for your favourite TV show to start.

For your enjoyment, nostalgia, or even torture, I scoured Youtube and found an episode with the version of their original theme song which has that fucking overdubbed goof saying "body break" in a pseudo-baritone voice at very mis-placed moments in the song. I believe this was the only time this stupid version was used, and it had glued itself to my brain for the last 20 years. You can watch it here.

Unfortunately, the original theme is not included with this cassette. Instead, you get the new-fangled Body Break theme song called "Keep Movin'" by The Body Break Team which is at the beginning of side 2. You also get songs by Canadian techno band BKS mixed in who had a hit in the 1990s with the song "Living In Ecstacy", although you don't even get that song on here. There's also a couple songs from The Urban Cookie Collective, and a group I've never heard of called Full Intention.

To be fair, the commercially released songs are decent, but because this is Classical Gas Emissions, I'm focusing entirely on all the songs created by The Body Break Team. The lyrics were written by a retarded donkey:

Havin' Fun:
Feel the Beat
Down The Street
Move Your Feet
Dancin' Dancin'
Having Fun
There's A Party Going On
Having Fun
Get Together, Having Fun

We've got master poets at work here! And one more, just because I like hearing my readers groan:

Work It!:
Body Break
You've got to move your body now!
Feel the rhythm deep inside
Take it for a magic ride
Feel the music, make you move
Work it baby, to the groove

We are witnessing the apocalyptic re-birth of Bob Dylan! I'm sure you're all falling to your knees and trembling in the presence of such lyrical greatness.

The fun doesn't stop with the lyrics that were picked off someone's bum hole. The inlay has it's own magnificence happening as well.

And just look at how fucking happy these two are:

They must be high on ecstasy to be this happy and to enjoy this collection of music. If you have any spare ecstasy laying around, you may want to take some before listening to this collection of songs by The Body Break Team.

Listen to Havin' Fun / Strut Your Stuff
Listen to Pump Your Body
Listen to Keep Movin'
Listen to Work It!
Listen to Take A Body Break

And that's all! I hope you all enjoyed your work out!

Honestly guys, I'm not trying to ditch the blog. I keep on buying more stuff to write about, and I have bins full of it. This year has been extremely busy, and I promise to keep posting whenever I can throughout my move. You will most likely see silence between August and October while I settle into my new place. I get a bad case of the Winter blahs, so expect my activity to increase by then.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun! Yes, I've used that one before, but it's appropriate this time around.