Saturday, December 18, 2010

A Ukrainian Christmas with Metro

I've been meaning to put this album up ever since I started this blog. Metro's Eleven Days From Christmas is a Canadian Christmas album done by a Ukrainian guy who plays the Kazoo. All of these Christmas songs are parodies done with a Ukrainian flavor, and they're pretty funny!

This album has been sadly out-of-print either since it's original release in 1975, or since Singwell Records went belly up. It's a favorite of mine to play during the holiday season, and now it can be yours too!

Listen to Christmas Song

Download The Entire Album!

As an after-thought, I figured it would be a good idea to make a Christmas jukebox for this time of year containing some of the bizarre Christmas songs I own, but I really don't have the time for it before Christmas. Perhaps I'll make this a goal for next year.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

How To Make Your Own Album

I've criticized, analyzed, and occasinally praised those who have put their hard work into crafting their own albums. But I don't think I've really given much insight into what kind of work goes into making one's own album. Therefore, this blog post is going to focus on how to create your very own home-recorded, hand made album which will be sure to impress all your friends and win over that cute girl you've been eyeballing. She'll think you're a real star!

First of all, you need an album cover. Go into your family photo album, and pick something. Try to pick a photo that was taken 20-30 years ago. For my album cover, I chose a picture of my mom yelling at me.

Next, you need a title for your album. Try to make it as professional sounding as possible. To make it appealing, use that dumbass Comic font that everyone uses on their Tripod home pages. Also, try to use either an obnoxious color, or make it all black so your title doesn't stand out from the darks on your photo.

Now, add some lame-ass clipart. See how it changes the picture? Now it looks like me and my Mom are singing!

Last but not least, dedicate it to the first girl who broke your heart. She may not have wanted to go out with you, but she'll regret it when she sees her name on your album cover! Be sure to write your dedication in all-caps to emphasize it's importance.

Now, you need a song selection. Here are some pointers for what kind of songs you should include on your album:

- Cover Songs. Show them how you can sing it better than the original!
- Songs where the music is louder than your singing
- A song with a girl's name in it
- Your very own parody. People will love your new lyrics!
- A song about your dog
- Songs with lyrics that don't make sense
- A song with a guest artist (a.k.a. one of your friends)

By following these suggestions, I was able to create a collection of great songs. Check out the song titles:

01) Ha Sob
02) Tissue
03) It's Fun
04) Two on a Bike
05) The Ball Goes In The Garbage (Featuring Ryan Nole)
06) Zab
07) Stars
08) Addicted To Spuds
09) Joanne's Socks
10) Theme from The Get-Along Gang
11) Candy Spike
12) Pipe Down

Make sure the copies you make of your album are recorded on Cr02 cassette tapes. You may have recorded your album on a ghetto blaster, but the high quality of Cr02 will actually IMPROVE the sound of your album. Also, don't use Dolby Noise Reduction. Tape hiss should be embraced, not eliminated!

Now for what you've all been waiting for... You can download my Greatest Hits album HERE!!!

Given that I was born in 1978, I'm sure you can just imagine what these songs are like. The best part of my album is it starts to hurt your eardrums after only five seconds of playing. No need to delay the pain!

However, I'm going to suggest that you avoid downloading it. If you do, you will waste 20 precious minutes of your life. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Christmas Gift for Symantec

I was going to send two lovely gifts this year to my friends who send me postage paid envelopes. Unfortunately, the one from Apex Bank of Canada has gone missing, but I still have the one from Symantec. These guys always have offers to send a free flash drive if you're one of the first 500 to respond. I've tried many times and I've never received one. I figured it was time to get a bit nasty with them, so I sent them a ransom note with one of my kid's old socks.


I wrote the ransom note on some nice Happy Bunny Christmas paper. It says: "If you want to see the other sock, you will send me an 8G flash drive."

I'm dropping it in the mail today. Hopefully I'll get my flash drive before Christmas!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Christmas with the Public Access Puppet Lady

Jesus is the reason for the season! If you don't believe me, just ask this lady and her puppet:

On this Public Access TV show, this lady and her puppets have very involved conversations about what it means to be a Christian. As for her puppetry skills, I could personally control a puppet better with my dick. Not only that, her squeaky puppet voice is enough to send dogs into severe panic.

But it's Christmas, and we should be praising the Lord instead of talking about dicks and puppets. So, let us join the Puppet Lady in song, and remember what Christmas is all about. It's about old women who can't sing, and old men who wear ugly green shirts. Enjoy!