Sunday, November 19, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Winkler

Ah, Winkler. You and Morden are the heart of the Christian Wheat Belt with your 300 churches or however many you're up to now. Eventually, you'll have one church per family which will help promote true Christian unity!

Let's get to the junk I bought...

Winkler MCC


The Hillside Singers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing




Whenever I'm flipping through things in the bins at thrift stores, certain words will grab my attention such as "demo", "original", "test", and "penis". Although the word "penis" isn't anywhere on this record, the word "test" certainly grabbed my attention. This is a commercial release, although not an extremely popular one. The word "test" made me wonder what was inside. Could it be an original test pressing? Could it be someone's testes? Well... no.



The person who owned this was just testing a paint pen on this record so they could make wedding decorations. I guess I'll never know how well The Hillside Singers performed "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" since the track is covered in hand-drawn hearts. My life will never be complete.


Art Mutcher's Stardust



An album featuring old men with saxophones! Lots of cover songs! This is one of those albums that could have gone either way. To be honest, they play very well, and whoever recorded this CD did a very good job. However, they do better when playing instrumental versions of songs. Their rendition of the Irish Rovers' "Wasn't That a Party" is a bit underwhelming.

Listen to Wasn't That a Party


Singers - Faith To Live By




Well... It has 24 songs! How can any album with 24 songs be terrible? Quantity over quality!

The font used for the track listing is very small and hard to read. The insert orders you to watch Vision TV on Sunday at 2pm, but gives no consequences. There's also a mailing address so you can tell them how much you hate this CD!

This album overstates the obvious. Calling your group "Singers" is like lovingly calling your wife "Companion". I pesonally like to call this album "Crap". While I was paying this CD, my cat came into the room, howling as if there was something very wrong. Perhaps the lady (and I'm only assuming it is a lady) was stabbed in the heart by her joy for Jesus, and is wailing in pain.

Listen to There's Within My Heart a Melody


Gospel Echoes Team

What a strange name for a Thrift store! Let's see how much crap I can get echoing out of your computer speakers...


Special Believercise




I honestly don't know what draws me to pick up Christian exercise albums. Maybe it's the fact that you really don't know what you're going to get. I've picked up others in the past and they usually have something not quite right about them. This one is no exception.

On the plus side, it came with poster-size diagrams on how to do the exercises. This is so much better than watching a fitness video! I mean, why would you buy a fitness video when you can look at a stupid poster instead?



So here's what's odd about this record. First, the songs contained on this album are from real Christian artists as opposed to instrumental versions. Second, this isn't one of those non-stop exercise albums. There are gaps between each song, so you have to take a break while you wait for the silence to end. God forbid the thing starts skipping, because you will exercise to your very death along with your unborn child. Third, this is a demo copy used for promotional use only. How the hell do you demonstrate a pregnant exercise record?

The fun part of this album is the instructor. She sounds strangely seductive, and oddly recites the occasional lyric. Because I'm a fucking pervert, I decided to focus on the inner thighs. Join me in the fun!

Listen to Innner Thighs (aka Love of my Life by Kathy Troccoli)



Willie & Rodi Longenecker - How Firm a Foundation




It's nice to see that George Clooney found Jesus.

From the Liner Notes:

"This recording comes as a testimony of what God can do through the heart music of the older generation."

If this is "Heart Music", I think I want a transplant.

Listen to "How Firm a Foundation"



Dr. James Dobson - Prepareing For Adolescence




I'm sure it's absolutely no problem to sit your pre-teen child down so they can listen to six tapes on how hormones are going to completely fuck them up. I have no clue what's on the first one because it's missing. My life shall forever be incomplete.

The only one I listened to was the one on sexual development, simply because I'm immature and haven't gone through puberty yet. The guy on the tape told me not to laugh, but I did anyway. It was even more funny when the guy on the tape talked about "pooberty". I'm also a bit skeptical about the guy on the tape being a real doctor. I don't consider people who attend bible college to be real doctors.

However, I have to give Mr. Tape Doctor props on one thing... He tells the kids listening to these tapes to masturbate as much as they want. He claims that God created the need to fuck, and masturbation is part of that need, so God wants you to spank your monkey and play with your clitorus. Thanks, God!

Listen to a clip about your changing body
Listen to a clip about sexual development
Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2



Serenade - 2005




Well, these ladies can sing. The music is Casiotastic. The mixing and production was done by Jim & Kate Sanderson. In other words, it took two people to fuck up the overall sound on this disc. Some effects on the vocals would have made this sound a little more rounded out, but instead everything just sounds flat and cardboardy. But "Serenade" obviously doesn't care about that, because they thank Jim & Kate in the liner notes.

Listen to Yes I Believe



The Dyck Family - I Belong To The King




So this is a family of Dycks. More specifically children Dycks. They can't fucking sing either.

From the inlay: "We hope that as you are listening to this recording, you'll understand that we want to give all praise and glory to the Lord for it is written; "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord"

This is a joyful noise? It sounds like the crushing of a kitten's ribcage. The Lord must be a sick person to enjoy the sound of that.

Listen to The Love That Brought Jesus


Our next stop in the Christian Wheat Belt is... Morden! A whole five minute drive away!

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Altona



Prepare for a barrage of Junq Tour entries! I took a solid week of evenings and prepared all the audio and images, so I should be able to bang the next 7 entries out like nothing.

This past summer, I took two days and did a tour of the thrift stores in the Christian Wheat Belt. And dear God, did I come out with some "interesting" "treasures". I also recorded video of my trip which I'll get posted once I have all the entries up.

Altona expanded their thrift store since the last time I was there. The place is huge! They were able to stash away lots of shitty albums which probably have been sitting there for a good year... until I went and bought them.


Eleanore Glover



I decided to start off by letting the deadly stare from this lady make you feel guilty for even thinking of reading this blog entry. Her music is completely uninteresting which is why I didn't bother with a clip. However, that look from her will burn the shit out of your soul, and make you wish you hadn't ever though of undressing her with your eyes. Well... at least I thought about it.


Juanita Clayton - Bridges: The Yodeling Farmer's Daughter



This yodeling lady from Manitoba brings us a whole tape of yodeling songs. For some unknown reason, this album was recorded in Kansas City. I guess that's just where an album of yodeling SHOULD be recorded. It's nice and far away from here, and it'll help raise tensions between Canada and the USA.

In all fairness, there's nothing too terrible here. I included the dumbest song of the bunch for your yodeling enjoyment. It's about a yodeling dog. I'm sure your dog will enjoy singing along.

Listen to Kitty Cat Love



Corey Friesen Pianist - Piano Classics



Corey Friesen is an amazing penist. Unfortunately, this album was recorded in the bathroom. This means that instead of getting a beautiful influx of music, you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit while someone in the next room is playing a piano. I also have no clue who's thumping around in that room, because... well you're not going to get up in the middle of your shit to find out what the fuck is going on.

Listen to Study in A Flat Major



1999-2000 New Hope School Choir - One Place We All Belong



What do you get when you have a room full of tone-deaf kids singing along to a Casio keyboard? Then answer is: A riddle you want to forget was ever asked, but then I give you the tragic result.

This atrocity was arranged by someone named Sandra Mae Reimer. I think the title of "music teacher" is fairly inappropriate in this case. These kids obviously didn't learn anything. Sandra is more of a "chaos synchronizer".

Listen to Land of the Silver Birch


Joannie Wurst - Sings Her Favorite Country Hymns



Joannie The Worst really tries hard to do a good job singing her religious music, but the upside down pentagram above her has caused her to become worried. It also looks like someone cut the microphone wire, which they should have done before hitting the record button

I also picked up the album "Country Says It Best", but it's more of the same boring crap.



I would really like to know where Joannie found the time machine she used to retrieve her wardrobe from the year 1921.

Listen to What a Friend


Sandra Rae Reimer - Marching 800 Miles: Song Written for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police: March West Reenactment: Summer 1999



Some very memorable re-enactments of famous historic events have taken place in history. This is not one of them, but we got a shitty song out of it. Our favourite chaos synchronizer, Sandra Mae Reimer threw this piece of shit together too! Judging from the fact that both this and the other tape are from 1999, those awful tone-deaf kids are making yet another appearance.

The song itself isn't bad, but those meddling kids ruined everything.

Listen to Marching 800 Miles


Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Country Memories



Seriously, how the fuck does this guy sell so many albums? I've have TONS of them, and they're all different! I've been meaning to compile a nice discography for our dear friend Weird Kevin, but he was kind enough to put one in the inlay of this cassette. This tells me that Kevin has put out a MINIMUM OF FOURTEEN ALBUMS! Where the hell does Weird Kevin get the time to shit out so many of these things??? Not only that, I know I have one recorded by his parents! His family get-togethers must have been recording sessions.

Weird Kevin drags his wife onto this album and records another pile of country crap. It's the same old stuff I keep seeing covered by everybody and their damn dog. Keep squeezing them out, Kevin!

Listen to You Are My Sunshine


Maria Heinrichs - This World Is Not My Home



Following in the footsteps of Kurt Cobain's "I Hate Myself and Want To Die", Maria records an album full of suicidal music. With songs such as "Shall We Gather At The River", "Are You Washed", and "Revive Us Again", this album will have you headed for the nearest bridge so you can jump to your watery death.

Not only that, Maria's terrible voice combined with her Casio Keyboard will give you even more incentive to end your life. THIS TAPE IS REALLY FUCKING HORRIBLE! If you hate all the birds flying around in your yard, just play this tape really loud and let's Maria's lack of talent kill them off.

Listen to Revive Us Again


James MacPherson - A Song of Hope (Chrissie's Melody)



It's a shame that those with advanced ALS can't speak, and therefore cannot tell this guy to stop fucking singing. It isn't fair to those who are already suffering to torture them even more with this shitty song.

Dear ALS Society of Canada: If you're going to have a fundraiser song, make it something that will sell more copies and make people feel like they didn't waste their money. The fact that this is the first time I've seen this cassette since it's release in the late 1990s makes me believe that all the others you sold were thrown directly into the trash. Our landfills are weeping.

Listen to A Song of Hope


Teena & Deb & Bruce - No Frills Volume One Jus" Jamming



Here's another bunch of miserable old country songs sung by a bunch of miserable old people. Judging from the cover, this trio intended to put out more than one of these recordings, but I have my doubts.

For those who didn't kill themselves from listening to Maria Heinrichs, this might be the one that gives you that little extra push. Yes, I plan on having absolutely nobody reading this blog by the time I'm done with this instalment of the Junq Tour.

Listen to Across The Wild Moar


The Sunshine Rays - 1991



It took four people to record this album, and none of them perform at the same time on any of these songs. It's like each of them said, "fuck you, I'm gonna perform the songs I want!" Also, one of the four people is Helen Heinrichs, who obviously inspired her daughter Maria to record that piece of crap I covered earlier.

There's 22 songs on this fucking tape. Who insisted that the world needed 22 songs by this group of old farts?

Listen to When My Blue Moon Turns


Ed && Nettie Friesen - Gospel 1



Ed & Nettie woke up one day and decided to record an album of their favourite songs together to celebrate their love for each other and their love for God. So they came up with a bunch of songs, got out their tape recorder they bought at Sears, and got to work. Nettie took the lead on most of the songs because she was clearly the more talented of the two

Half way through recording the album, Nettie died.

The album, which was supposed to be a celebration of happy times turned into a miserable, depressing memorial tribute. The album starts off with Ed giving the eulogy at his deceased wife's funeral. Following that, Ed performs a song he wrote for his now dead wife. Without Nettie's talent to hold the song together, the whole thing just sounds like a dog thrown into a meat grinder. You don't get to hear Nettie until track four (which is where Ed sounds much happier), but by this point you're too depressed to even bother with the rest of the album.

Listen to Song For Nettie 2
Download the whole strange and miserable thing!


There's more horrible horrors coming your way from two thrift stores in Winkler!