I recently found a couple of laptops. One was dead, but this one worked fine although it has Windows Vista installed. I swear that Vista is a hundred times worse than Windows ME was. I've used quite a few Windows ME installs that worked fine, but Vista always seems to be extremely slow and chunky. I upgraded the RAM a bit in this laptop, just so it would run a bit better.
This computer belonged to a woman named Jenny who seems to be into new age stuff and has her own blog. Normally I would post stuff that she's written, but because it's already located elsewhere on the internet, I've decided to leave it alone.
She looks pretty fucking happy for someone who's about to be eaten by a wolf.
The most interesting thing I found on this laptop was FIVE videos about feet. They're cute, but I think five videos qualifies as an obsession or fetish.
That's the first thing that entered my mind when I saw this tape at the thrift store. Unfortunately, no hips were broken in the making of this video. I suppose 1992 was a good year. Regardless, I had to have this! I mean, what's better than watching a bunch of old people work off the prunes they had for lunch? There were also no line dancers in wheelchairs, which is quite a shame. How fucking prejudice is that?
This copy came with both parts 1 and 2. The second part isn't worth watching. It seems scripted, rehearsed, boring, and has much younger seniors. Part one is totally where I got my fifty cents worth. The instructor is 80 years old, seems to have problems speaking, and trips over his words. He was thoroughly entertaining!
So for your enjoyment, here's a generous clip. The introductary warning made me laugh my ass off.
I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I've begun hosting videos directly on my webspace. It greatly reduces the potential of them getting wiped off youtube. There's a huge stack of videos to tackle, so you're going to see more of them in the future!
Brace yourself for a somewhat lengthy history lesson...
Back in 1993, a band called Moxy Fruvous had a minor hit with a song called "My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors". It's pretty hard NOT to take notice of this song playing on the radio. The song was okay and seemed to be somewhat influenced by "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". Immediately upon hearing the song, I shouted "THEY MUST BE CANADIAN!" Why is it that Canadian bands can be automatically identified by their musical stupidity? Other good examples are The Barenaked Ladies and Celine Dion.
Anyway, Moxy Fruvous quickly disappeared from the airwaves and from my mind... until 1996.
I was taking a specific subject in a vocational high school that year. I clearly remember the day my teacher excitedly came into class with an educational videotape called "The Science of Energy". He told the class, "You guys are really going to enjoy this!" While the intro credits were rolling, I was surprised to see the text "Featuring Moxy Fruvous" appear on the screen. My immediate thought was "are you fucking kidding me???"
We were treated to an extremely boring educational video, interrupted by some of Moxy's extremely terrible music. One of my classmates began pressing the fast forward button on the VCR every time Moxy would hit the screen. After the teacher scolded him for doing so, my classmate asked, "All in favour of skipping the songs, raise your hand!" We all raised our hand, and the periodic fast forwarding commenced. We broke our poor teacher's heart.
Moxy Fruvous had made themselves 'uncool' with kids of the 90s by selling out and contributing to educational videos. I suppose the band now had a steady flow of income to invest in new guitar strings since all their albums that followed "Bargainville" had flopped. (I looked in my archives for the cassette copy of Bargainville that my ex-wife had left behind, but it appears that I rightly threw it in the garbage)
That incident has been sitting in my mind ever since. Then about a year ago, I found this video in the thrift store:
OH JOY! But this video is about genetically modified corn. If you look at Medicinema's website, you'll see that they used Moxy Fruvous on a whole pile of their videos. And the price they're asking (over $1000 for the entire "Cracking the Code" series) could certainly generate a LOT of guitar string money!
So this video has been sitting in my queue box for quite some time already. I should have reviewed it when I initially bought it. If I had done so, I would have reaped great website traffic when the drummer for the group hit top news stories about beating the hell out of women he wanted to fuck. I did a lot of reading about him when the news broke out, but news stories were more focused on his most recent career with the CBC. Moxy Fruvous was mentioned absolutely nowhere in the articles I read (which just goes to show how much they shook the music world). So that's why it's taken so long for me to cover this video. I didn't realize he was in Moxy Fruvous until a couple of days ago.
So let's get to the video!
Disclaimer:
To be fair, I doubt the rest of Moxy Fruvous had anything to do with Jian's sexual shenanigans. Band members don't have to live and breathe each other's sweat, blood, or semen. In fact, it's probably better if they don't. *End of Disclaimer*
This video came out in 2003 which is peculiar, since all the sources I've looked at claim that Moxy Fruvous had disbanded in 2001. Perhaps they made an album called "GeneticallyModifiedVille", produced some music videos for it, threw them in the garbage (because they were terrible), and Medicinema came across them while picking through Jian's trash can, looking to frame him for beating his female victims with a stalk of genetically modified corn.
Moxy Fruvous has four appearances on this video, however they seem to play only two songs chopped in half, but whatever. It would make for a good EP.... Or a bad one.... Either way, these songs suck. Here's Jian singing the theme song for this video series:
Seems pretty innocent, doesn't it? However, let's take a deeper look into Jian's twisted, puny mind. Let's interpret his lyrics: "Learning how to modify the crops we grow, the fish we fry"
Obviously referring to the erection of the penis, and the scent of the vagina.
"Their DNA is now at our command"
According to news stories, Jian liked to command his victims with physical abuse. What a sick fuck.
"The genes we want can now be moved, the food we eat can be improved by adding traits that nature never planned"
This is in reference to Jian wanting to psychologically alter the "food" he wanted to "eat" with violence
And I'm done interpreting this garbage. I'm disgusted with myself for even bothering to read into this song. Jian, your days are numbered. You shall pay for your crimes against your victims, the terrible music you contributed to, and the awful educational videos you starred in. But don't worry, you'll be able to get all the violent sexual fun you want in prison.
If MediCinema has any brains, they should edit Moxy Fruvous out of their videos. Then they could move forward by producing a movie identical to "The Execution of Gary Glitter", replacing Gary with Jian, and replacing execution with castration. Then, sell copies of the video to school boards as a sex ed film entitled "Beat Your Meat, Not Women"
I seem to have begun recording videos of "interesting" karaoke singers. Here's a guy who is singing a classic song by a dead Canadian country singer named Stompin' Tom Connors. If you're not familiar with Stompin' Tom, go check out some of his stuff. He should have written us a new National Anthem instead of the shitty, constantly-being-modified "O Canada". I'd personally vouch for "The Ketchup Song" to be the replacement.
Anyway, here's our wonderful songster performing and stomping the hell out of "Rubberhead"
So let me tell you where I've been... My computer died, so I had to buy some part to build a new one, install the OS, and all that fun stuff. I'm currently having a bit of difficulty with recording; the audio is distorted. While I'm in the process of fixing it, please enjoy this nice satellite wildfeed that I recorded a couple of days ago. I'll be back with some shitty albums for you to enjoy shortly.
I finally had a chance to sit down and scan through some old Betamax videotapes that have been collecting. Lots of them had movies and TV shows on them, but I came across a couple that were projects of some high school students.
In the 1980s and 1990s, teen pregnancy was a HUGE issue. Both of the high schools I went to had built in day cares, and one even offered "child care" as a genuine credit. Hell, I was tempted to take the class just to hang out with the girls who were taking it! Anyway, I don't hear much about teen pregnancy these days. Today's fad is high school violence.
This is a play about two girls who get knocked up by the same guy. It was very obviously recorded in the 1980s. It's worth watching the whole 35+ minutes of it just because of the atrocious acting and story.
Two years ago, I created a Christmas video for my (then) girlfriend. I had a lot of fun making it by playing Christmas records from my collection, putting in old commercials from the 1980s, and some old video clips of me. The video turned out pretty long, and since I'm not with her anymore, she probably threw the DVD in the garbage. So, I might as well entertain somebody with it, meaning YOU!
A couple weekends ago, I picked up a Hi8 VCR for five bucks. For years, I've been trying to acquire a working Hi8 video camera for the sole purpose of playing the video tapes I've been picking up, and I've been unsuccessful for years. Most of the cameras I found were in non-working order. Now I have a working standalone machine. I'm surprised I was able to get it for so cheap because these players are quite rare.
So I dug into the "in queue" box and dug out all my Hi8 video tapes. About four tapes came from one family, namely one of their daughters. Meet Sarah:
(Did I ever tell you how much I love finding pictures of the equipment used to make the content?)
Sarah is probably in the ballpark of 9-12 years old in these videos. I skipped the boring family vacation videos in order to find the good stuff. Sarah enjoys video taping herself dancing around in the basement with her older sister. But the best videos were of Sarah singing about her cat, Pepper. The songs are fucking terrible but highly amusing, especially the one where she adds in the subject of a boy who picks his nose and bum.
At the end of the video, I tacked on her performance in a school talent show (which was about 2 years after she recorded her cat songs). She sings the Bryan Adams song "Heaven" and for the most part, she does a half decent job at it. I think she would have received a better response with the 'nose and bum picking cat song', but that's just my personal opinion.
Enjoy the video:
My cat was sitting beside me while I was transferring this video. Sarah's grading voice made him leave the room.
And just as a side note, I found some home-made gay porn on one of the tapes. Click here to enjoy a NSFW screenshot while I book an appointment with my therapist.
I have a feeling I'm being stalked again, so if you happen to see a creepy blonde woman lurking around this blog, feel free to call 911. However, if you ARE the creepy blonde in question, I already know that you're proficient in dialing 911, so at least I can count on you for that one. For the rest of you, if I happen to get some crazy-ass voicemails out of this, you'll be the first to hear them!
While we're waiting for the voicemails to come in, I figured I'd post another video.
This is an instructional tape I found which I'm guessing came with a brand new Casio keyboard. I'm only guessing that's where the video came from because I can't picture anybody actually wanting to buy this shit.
My biggest question is who the fuck is Jay Levy? I'm guessing he's some washed-up musician in a band nobody cares about like The Doors or something. I could care less about his ability to use a Casio keyboard because it's much more amusing to watch his head. It moves around like a bobble head going over street full of never-ending road kill.
So let's learn how to play some George Harrison on a cheesy keyboard from 1990.
By the way, if you are looking for my "Creepy Rubber Puppets on Drugs" video, it was lovingly removed by Youtube. Apparently, the losers belonging to The Metropolitan Toronto Pharmacists Association decided to be assholes and have it taken down. Perhaps they need to up their prescriptions and gobble enough drugs to turn their hard-headed brains into mush. Now the children will have nobody to teach them about the dangers of prescription drugs, and they'll no doubt be gobbling up their parents drugs and dying. Way to go Metropolitan Toronto Pharmacists Association, you're killing children! Fuck you!
Please feel free to avoid donating to their educational fund. They apparently make enough money selling old VHS tapes to compensate for it.
It's been a while since I posted some goofy videos, so I figured it would be a nice change from the junk that I've been posting as of late.
The best thing about having a satellite dish is I don't have to go all the way to the thrift store to find weird video tapes (and most of the time, I don't find anything worth buying). Instead, the garbage comes directly into my home via satellite, and if I've got nothing to do, I'll sit there and record anything weird that comes up on the screen.
So here's some of the fun stuff I've recorded over the past few months...
Connecticut Shooting Memorial Wildfeed
When the Connecticut shooting hit the news, it hit big. It was a very disturbing thing to hear about, and the dish was on fire with wild feeds about the incident. Over the course of about two weeks, there were lots and lots of memorials being held for the victims. I recorded quite a bit of this one and was able to catch a very memorable moment which had the potential to reach homes all over North America.
Crappy Foreign Music Video
I don't know what fucking language this is in, and I don't care either.
When you live in a third world country, any thoughts on how to produce your music video go out the window. If you have a picture of grazing zebras kicking around, it will make a fantastic backdrop to you bopping around while lipsyncing to a distorted recording of your hit song.
You see, in third world countries they don't have volume controls, so they just make the audio as loud as possible and hope that it all turns out well for the douchebag watching at the other end.
There are plenty of great effects in this video, and I'm going to leave it up to you to discover them. I encourage any up-and-coming video producers to take serious notes because there's plenty to learn from idiots who don't know what they're doing.
Royally Fucked Up Asian TV Show
There are no words to describe this one. I have no clue what the point of this show is, but it has a flying donkey in the opening and closing credits. I've posted a short clip of the actual show's content, followed by the closing credits which I guarantee will be the most amazing minute and a half of your entire existence. It changed my life. I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse, but I will never again be the same person I was before watching this.
As long as people keep doing stupid shit, there will always be more content for me to record and put up for your amusement.
I'm briefly popping in to bring you a nice video. Well, maybe not nice. More like atrocious.
I really hope to be back at blogging soon. I'm missing it and I have a couple more Junq Tour entries to make. My situation hasn't changed, but my time isn't being as highly consumed as it was over the last month. I may know where things stand come mid-December. Unfortunately, there isn't any money for Christmas this year. Oh well, perhaps some of my leftover and highly-collectible blog items will make great gifts for friends and family. I'm sure someone would love one of the many Arnie cassettes I own, and maybe my 6-year-old can find a use for one of my "Fantastic F" 8-track tapes.
Anyway, allow me to shut up and present you with what The Beatles would have sounded like had they come from Vietnam.
Yes! I'm back on tour to collect thrift store garbage from all over Manitoba. The Southern part of the province is covered mainly by the Christian Wheat Belt, so the thrift stores are naturally packed to the tits with Christian albums, Christian videos, Christian books, and Hutterites. I'm really trying to remember to take pictures of the thrift stores I visit, and I actually remembered this time.
So, fire up those horses and plows and we'll take a trip through Southern Manitoba's thrilling thrift store goodies...
George Staerkel - The Signature Collection
Hooray for photoshop! You know, George could do anything he wanted in photoshop for his greatest hits CD. My suggestion would have been to put some hair on him, but instead he left it bald, and the glare makes it a very obvious photoshop disaster. He could have trimmed his head down too which might have helped make it less photochopped.
Now then, onto the CD. I cannot deny that George is very talented. The guy can sing very well, and he can also play a nice array of instruments such as the trumpet, the saxophone, the piano, and a few others that I don't feel like mentioning. Although George can span a few octaves with his voice, he seems to prefer squeezing his balls and singing songs of a falsetto nature. Included are the songs "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "Cara Mia", "Stay", and he also yodels through a few. He pulls it off very well, considering the pain he puts up with his balls squished in what is likely the hand of his wife Barbara.
The downside to this CD is the production. There's way too much reverb on everything, and the entire recording is run through a compressor, making it sound like compressed echoey crap.
All production values aside, it's very difficult to pick a song when there's so much talent to be found. But not all was lost... The song "The Lonely Bull" has George doing some very lovely trumpet work in it. Unfortunately, the trumpet is the only real instrument in the song. Everything else is synthesized. BADLY. The star of the show is the mandolin which, instead of sounding like a mandolin, sounds a lot like the "Mario got squished by an elevator" sound from the Colecovision version of Donkey Kong.
The Humorous Gospel Songs of Bob Larson
I had a bitch of a time getting this record to play on my turntable. A little known fact: Atheist turntables have a much larger spindle in order to avoid playing garbage like this. I had to hammer this stubborn whore into submission because it was so tight.
The subtitle for this album is "Compatible Stereo". What the hell is compatible stereo? What would incompatible stereo sound like? Mono? Silence? Help me out here...
All the songs on this album sound pretty much the same with the exception of the lyrics. Bob Larson isn't much of a singer, so instead he does some kind of half-assed rapping. Mind you, this album came out before rap music was invented, so I guess Bobby is a pioneer when it comes to rap music. As for the songs being humorous, well, they're not. Well, maybe except for the song "Grumbling Christians". Lyrically, it's absolutely miserable but musically, it's happy as fuck. It's like listening to a 1950's version of The Police.
The Bibleman Adventure
This video looked too terrible to pass up, and it certainly was. I honestly couldn't be bothered to watch it past the exciting theme song because it was so head-bangingly retarded. The intro itself gave me enough excitement to fulfill 7 years worth of Sunday sermons.
By the way, I played the title screen in slow motion to see what all the moving computer text was. It appears to be some sort of video routine taking place in an OSX terminal. At least we know Jesus approves of Apple products.
Check out this totally fucking epic action scene where Bibleman stops a group of bible thieves by ... uhhh... waving his arms at them?
We need more superheroes based on old books. My two suggestions are "Moby Dick Man" and "Playful Pussy Woman"
There's plenty more Junq Tour entries on the way! Unfortunately, it's because we're short-staffed at work and I have to fill in with extra trips. Might as well make the best of them!
I picked up this VCD quite some time ago. I was initially attracted to this double disc set because of the interesting selection of songs on it. I mean, who couldn't resist a live video of some Asian guy singing "Please Don'tgoauy", "Can You Feel The Lave Tonght", "Ydsterday", "Surf In USA", and "Bao Case Loving You"
He spends his time in between songs having a discussion with some Asian girl who is only heard and not seen. I haven't a fucking clue what they're talking about because none of it is in English. The only English on this video is whatever popular songs this poor bastard tries to sing, and if you ask me, he should get his foreign ass back to taking English classes.
Check him out as he takes a shot at singing The Village People's Y.M.C.A. Feel free to sing along with the conveniently provided subtitles.
If anybody can actually identify who this guy is, please feel free to let me know in the comments section. Or, perhaps Youtube will inform me when they decide I violated the copyright.
I honestly didn't think I'd last five years, but here it is. Currently, this is the second-longest project I've put effort into (my longest was my Canned Peaches novelty project)
I'm going to get a bit personal here about how this blog came about. Back in 2007 when I started the blog, posts were a bit sporadic. I had recently become a father and I needed stuff to do with my baby boy. His mom didn't seem to want to spend time with us, so I figured the best thing I could do to occupy my time while he was at such a young age was to frequent thrift stores and garage sales. I cannot count how many poopy diapers I changed in the back seat of my SUV while driving around shopping for junk.
While I was touring the thrift stores, I started putting effort into finding oddball stuff that people had donated. I still have a massive collection of things that have been sitting around that I have yet to hear, watch, make fun of, and post for you to laugh at. I've met some interesting people through my blog, interacted with many professionals who wanted to use some of the content here, and even sold a couple of items!
To end this serious note, I'd like to say thank you to my readers for following along throughout the years and supporting what I think is a pretty stupid hobby, but it brings a lot of laughs and entertains me immensely.
Now that we're done being serious, let's post some birthday shit that I've collected...
Happy Birthday - Voco
Voco Records wishes the blog a happy birthday and tells all of us to be merry, happy, and gay. Thanks a lot Voco, I really didn't need someone basically insisting that I get a birthday bump from a gay man. I get enough hate male telling me to go fuck myself, so that should be sufficient.
Happy Birthday Greetings from the Stars
Here we have three celebrities (two of which have come back from the grave) wishing the blog a happy birthday in the best way they know how. These are REAL celebrity messages, not cheap imitations like the Celebrity Answerall tapes.
This cassette is interesting. The box it comes in doubles as a package to mail the cassette in. Side 2 is blank so you can record your own message! Unfortunately, whoever owned this cassette previously didn't record their own message, so fuck them for not wishing the blog a happy birthday.
And finally, my gift to you. Way back in 1987 or 1988, my family had a dog. I can't remember which dog it was, but it was definitely a dog. To get tips on how to deal with said dog, we decided to start watching a public access show called "You & Your Dog. As a kid, I recorded everything I could and this was no exception.
The show did not go smoothly because of people phoning in and jacking around with the phone. Because of this, the show became permanently part of my video collection and helped develop my interest in collection unusual stuff.
So here it is!
I never realized (until I posted it on Youtube) that the song used for the opening and closing credits was an Allman Brothers song. I fucking hate the Allman Brothers.
So I've found myself a new hobby... Searching for wildfeeds on the satellite dish. A wildfeed is basically an unscheduled broadcast which is transmitted to a satellite. Someone waits back on earth to receive the broadcast for whatever purpose they need it for. These feeds can be TV shows, sporting events, or live broadcasts. Mobile news vans use this method extensively when they're reporting live.
I have my dish aimed at SES1 101W because they (used to) have History Channel. Unfortunately, History got nuked and all I'm left with is a couple of Russian stations and the shitty Pentagon channel.
I stumbled across my first wildfeed while I was doing a blind scan out of boredom. When I saw that I had grabbed something interesting, I immediately started recording. Here's what I got:
This stuff is almost as good as public access TV! So lately, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for more unannounced goodies freely transmitting into my living room. Here's my second one:
This guy's hilarious!
There isn't much for interesting wildfeeds on youtube, so I'm hoping I can changed that. I've just won an ebay auction for a satellite dish motor so I'll be able to scan the skies for even more interesting stuff.
This is a really, really long entry which is why it took so long to post. Not only that, spring is in the air and I've been mating like rabbits. I've also been doing a major cleaning of my garage and working overtime. It's just been a very busy period for me, and you know what busy periods mean... lots of messy cleanup!
I bought a ton of stuff when I passed through Dauphin. The thrift stores were overloaded with goodies, and I've filtered out the crap I wasted my money on so I could bring you the best of the worst and the worst of the best!
Bob Brown's Orchestra (revisited)
I found two more of these! I picked up three of them last year when I visited the Hodge Podge in Dauphin. They've been added to the archive which you can get here.
Nebula 9 - Scream - A Collection of Modern-Gothic Works
There was a whole series of these books, but this was the only interesting one. This book contains poetry and short stories, some of which are kind of fucked up. Whoever wrote these desperately needs therapy because a perfectly sane person like myself would NEVER write anything this messed up!
Desiree Fox
I don't know why, but I always have a soft spot for girls with a rounder face. So yeah, I picked up this tape because I liked her face. Her clothes are kinda ugly though. I was really hoping this girl's voice was as nice as her face, but she sounds like a less talented version of Tiffany.
Anyway, this cassette of covers is extremely underwhelming and not worth posting a clip. Perhaps if she had covered "All This Time" or "I'm Not Sleeping" I could've been more forgiving.
Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Our Gospel Favorites
When I started this blog, I never thought I'd be collecting entire discographies of artists that nobody gave a shit about. This is my third entry for "Weird Kevin" Harcourt, and it's his shittiest album yet (others here and here). There's nothing remotely interesting on here except Kevin's Kermitty voice, so I'm not putting up a sound clip.
Emerson Stone
I like it! I think that's the first time I've ever written that on this blog. Seriously, it's decent music and it's catchy enough for me to enjoy.
The Glendys - Third Time's A Charm
Oh my fucking god! If you're looking for a singer (I wasn't) who sounds like he's got a nose full of snot and a mouth full of chewing tobacco, then you've gotta get The Glendys "Third Time's A Charm" album. After their previous albums "First Time We Were Drunk" and "Second Time We Ever Picked Up A Guitar" failed like a busted condom, they finally hit a home run. Unfortunately, they tripped and fell while running home, smashing their noses into their faces which is why the album sounds like it was recorded in 'nasal-round-sound'
So here's a Kenny Rogers cover. Poor Kenny. First the facelift, now this...
Aerobic Praise
Why must these Christian groups keep enforcing the thought that exercising and praising God go together well? This tape is a nightmare! In the right channel, we have the worst Christian music ever recorded. In the left channel, we have some bitch commanding us to move all over the goddam place. If one of your speakers isn't working, this cassette isn't going to be effective. You'll either be moving around the house like an idiot, or you'll kill yourself to stop the pain from this shitty praise music.
Apparently this is a second volume. The reasoning for making more than one of these albums is beyond me. Volume one probably isn't any better.
Buryl Red & Grace Hawthorne - It's Cool In The Furnace
This is apparently a pretty popular Christian musical about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (I can't believe I remembered how to spell those fucked up names.) The production is nice, the children can sing, and it's an all-around decent album for Christian kids. I wouldn't however recommend it to those of you who are raising your children to be Satanists. It will contradict all the values that took years to instill into your children.
Anyway, the biggest problem I have with this album is the title track. The smooth-jazz song is way too fucking long, it has minimal content for lyrics, and ends every line with the word "man" (kinda like a certain guy I know). So if you like boring and lengthy repetitive songs, this one is for you!
The Brothers In Law Strike Again
Another 'fine' release on the Arc label. As a side note, I bought Anne Murray's first album which was released on Arc. It's actually a really good folk album! Too bad she turned to crappy country music after such a great start.
Anyway, The Brothers In Law play bluegrass music and sing tongue-in-cheek lyrics about political and historical Canadian issues. I'm not too fond of bluegrass nor Canadian history, so this album doesn't have much to offer me. However, "Lullaby to a Spoiled Brat" is pretty funny, so I've put it up for you rich folk who don't understand why I buy old junk in the thrift stores. Hey, I can't understand why you buy hardwood flooring and then are afraid of scratching it. You've got the money to install it, so you MUST have the money to fix it!
Candle - The Music Machine
I bought this because it looked like someone recorded over it, so I thought it would be interesting to spend the 25 cents and find out what was on it. Unfortunately, nobody recorded over this awful Christian tape, but fear not! It doesn't play worth a damn in my machine which makes it sound like Satan is taking over their souls.
Celebrate Saskatchewan with The Panio Brothers
I very recently mentioned these guys in the Neepawa entry. I didn't think they put out any albums, but here it is in all it's 8-trackky glory. Guess what? They still suck. This album is worse than the lowly 45 I picked up. I'm pretty sure the entire band was intoxicated while they recorded this album. Musically, it sounds like a drunken slopfest. I can certainly appreciate this music when it's played well, but Christ you'd think they would at least ATTEMPT to stay sober while recording!
How bad is it? Well, this is absolutely the WORST version of "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" I've ever heard in my life. The band doesn't hold it together, and the singing drunk sounds like he's going to puke while crying in the rain. You can literally hear the room spinning in his voice!
Our Father Played & Sung by Fr. Ray Guimond
I have a great debate when I find shitty looking Christian albums. I've bought many of them and most of them are very mediocre. Every time I pick one up in the thrift store, I think to myself "is this going to be as crummy as it looks?" Most of the time I put the album down and keep going. I'm not sure why I grabbed this one, but it's probably the second-worst album I've ever featured on this blog. Think of the Steve Wilson album, but a bit more talented. ONLY A BIT.
The music is very smooth pop, the mix is bad, and Ray's voice makes him sounds like he's got parkinsons disease and is singing on his death bed. All the songs are at various stages of bad, so it was tough choosing a song off here. I decided to just go with the title track, because that's the song that should represent the whole album, and it REALLY sets it up for failure.
Oak Bank Pride - 2004 Oak Bank Elementary School Music Performances
This one was still sealed. Albums made by elementary schools are always weird, terrible, or both. The music is quite well produced and sounds almost professional. Then an entire class of tone-deaf children ruin the whole fucking thing. Not only do you get children singing badly, the CD also includes a video file containing clips of the recording sessions. So this time you can actually pinpoint the children who are ruining the songs you're listening to!
I've graciously included a Youtube video of the song "Jubilation". The kid on the cowbell got fired from Blue Oyster Cult because her sense of rhythm is about as good as a quadriplegic having a seizure. One of the drunken Panio Brothers bashing a trashcan could do a better job.
Video: Learn to Discern
Christian videos that slam mainstream music are always fun. This one has a lot of boring fodder, but right in the middle they did a piece on Kurt Cobain and how he has influenced kids to kill themselves. Since I was a fan of Nirvana, I decided to kill myself as well. I blew my head off with a shotgun at age 16 and my religious mother (who warned me that Nirvana was satanic) felt absolutely no remorse over my death.
I love how this segment of the video was prefaced by a video clip of the highly controversial heavy metal band Nelson. When I wanna get my Satan on, Nelson is the first thing I grab off my CD shelf.
Whew! That's a lot of stuff! I think I spent about 2-3 hours in Dauphin collecting it all. I've got a nice trip to Thompson coming up which means I'll probably be hitting the thrift store in Ashern on the way back.
I've got tons more stuff that I'm just dying to post, but I've been lacking the time. Summer is here (okay, it's Spring, but it's a really nice spring) and I'm enjoying getting outside and doing things. Not only that, every two years I re-vamp my computers (and this spring is the deadline for me) so I need to do massive backups, formatting, installing, and all that other fun shit. However, I'm in the process of building myself a nice file server (which I've named Jehovah) so things should be a little more smooth with transition in the years to come.
Until the next entry, keep your eyes on the skies!
Growing up in the 1980s was good, especially when you were glued to the television on Saturday mornings like I was. There were some fantastic cartoons that came out during that era. However, you always knew that Saturday morning cartoons were over when the shitty children's shows came on. The ones I can remember off the top of my head were Harrigan, Oopsy the Clown, Let's Go, and one awful children's show called "Sonshiny Day". The host was an irritating blonde zealot named Audrey Meisner who regularly interacted with Muppet-like characters who were less creepy and irritating than her.
I instantly grabbed this video when I saw it on the shelf at the thrift store, remembering how terrible the show was, and it didn't fail to disappoint.
There's a scene in this video where the overly-happy Christian lady gets mad at the child on her left, and likely screamed her face off while nearly breaking his arm for playing with the slime in a non-Christian like manner.
Now, I leave you to enjoy the inevitable marriage between Jesus and slime.
Anti-drug videos are so much fun to watch. Here's one from 1982 teaching kids that eating prescription drugs can fuck you up. Personally, I'd be more terrified of the drugs making me look like these rubber puppets. There is something dreadfully wrong with the hippie puppet. Not only does his music suck since going sober, but he looks like something that has threatened to kill me in one of my past nightmares. It would've been more amusing to see him stab Mr. Finley with his acoustic guitar. That would certainly scare children into staying on the straightened path!
Special thanks go to the Winnipeg Public Library for turfing this piece of crap from their collection and the thrift store who sold it to me for 49 cents.
Earlier this year, I happily unearthed another shitty singer from the same TV show that Henrietta and Merna appeared on. Who knows, this might be Merna's dad! He's got a really bad comb-over and judging from the expression on his face, he's constipated.
This aired probably a year after Henrietta and Merna sang their hit "Go Tell It On The Mountain". Not only that, this aired just after the assholes at Shaw Communications took over Winnipeg's two little cable companies, and put an end to quality programing like this on the public access channel. Now we get nothing but boring college basketball and other crap that has absolutely no imagination nor creativity, which is one of the largest reasons I've never signed up with Shaw for their lousy cable TV service.
But, let's forget about those assholes for a while and enjoy one of Winnipeg's final public access moments, at least until the videotape glitch puts an end to Terry's singing career.
Guess what? I replaced my stereo amplifier! I can listen to blog entries in full blown quadraphonic sound again! And they sound great! Well, as great as a 92 year old man who has pain while peeing, but the groans of agony are crystal clear! I picked up a beautiful Sansui AU-6600 for ten bucks, and it's been a pretty decent replacement for my old Acoustic Research amp.
Rosetown, Saskatchewan is where my brother and his family live. I never knew they had a thrift store there. It was absolutely loaded with crappy albums that nobody wanted, and I had to pick wiseley or I'd end up spending $30-$40 on a big pile of garbage that I wouldn't bother posting. I still ended up with crap I don't wanna post, so those lovely thrift store people can rejoice for reeling in a sucker like me.
Saskatchewan Express - Hello World!
People in Saskatchewan seem to really love their province, while those of us in Manitoba hate ours. This tape was recorded by a group of performers who apparently put on a musical about Saskatchewan. Personally, I think making a musical about Saskatchewan is on par with making a musical about cellophane, but what the fuck do I know? I generally hate musicals.
Now, I could've put up the cover of Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" (which is just as bad as the original) but I decided to put up a song called The Saskatchewan Blues. It's not incredibly amusing, but since Saskatchewanian music doesn't seem to drift outside of Saskatchewan very often, I figured it was appropriate to start off the entry with this one.
I really didn't know what to expect when I bought this CD. It has got a bunch of covers songs on it, so I figured it was probably going to be some shitty cover band from Saskatoon. All I can say is that they're not really a band. It's an a-capella barber shop group doing covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Queen, Elvis, and a few others. Surprised the hell out of me!
My biggest debate was whether to post their ultra-shitty Beatles medley (which is REALLY fucking bad) or post a track I actually like. I went with the latter for a change. I have to say that I really do enjoy this track, but it's floating in a sea of barber shit.
The Waldners Messengers For Jesus - He Took My Place
Look at the superstars on the cover of this one! There's Clara, Susanna, Lenard, and a bunch of other assholes. None of their last names appear on this album except for Mike who enjoys singing sexy duets with John. This is a Country & Western Christian album, so you get twice the reason to go into a deep depression and kill yourself after listening to this miserable thing. The cool thing about this album is if you re-arrange the song titles, you come up with a story...
I hear the lord is coming
Up calvary's hill
Just over yonder.
Yes he walked.
How Great thou art,
Wounded soldier.
He took my place,
He wrote my name.
He spelled it wrong,
That motherfucker.
Okay, so I made the last two up. It was getting boring so I had to make the Lord do something more interesting than just walking around looking for worship.
I think I bought their entire discography. Each tape will induce holy yawns as you fall asleep to this boring country gospel music. The best thing about owning these is you get to see their kids grow up on the album covers. The first one was printed on Fujicolor paper.
Nothing decent to extract from these albums so let's move on...
Carl Boyd - Iron Grease & Steam
Since we can't seem to get enough of trashing the Johnny Cash classic "Folsom Prison Blues" by adding shitty Christian lyrics, here it is again. It starts off like any of the other shitty albums in this entry, and Carl's improvised "Wooohooooo" train sound just makes me laugh. But the last verse has been raped and has left a gay priest's cum dribbling from his cellmate's ass. With that picture firmly planted in your head, I hope you enjoy this violation from "Anal Grease & Cream"
When you climax onto the bedspread in the pale moonlight, it shines! When you play country and western music on the organ, nobody climaxes and people leave frustrated. This is a boring CD and not worth the two bucks I paid for it. Gayle autographed the inlay card with "Enjoy the tunes, thanks!" I guess whoever had this CD before me didn't enjoy it either.
Arnie - A Tribute To Hank - My Inspiration
Yes, I found another goddam tape by this guy. It seems that he's sold more albums than Nazareth because I've seen more fucking Arnie tapes than copies of Razamanaz. Instead of playing the plunger on this album, Arnie sings. For the benefit of us all, Arnie should just stick to toilet music because his voice sounds butt-squeaking awful.
More of Arnie's albums can be found HERE and HERE and there's another one I haven't posted yet.
After listening to a chunk of side two, I wasn't going to post anything by these guys. However, a brief switch over to side one made me changed my mind. It seems that the master tape this was copied from is buggered up, and all the songs have this hilarious warble to them! I am convinced that this error in the copying process has made the album a thousand times more enjoyable. So enjoy lighting up a doobie with the SmokingGreenGrass Bros and listen to their warped and fucked up version of "My Bonnie".
Now, to finish off the blog entry, here's a video from my nephew who will show you how to make yourself a tasty lunch that's not even fucking close to being nutritious.
