Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Junq Tour 2020: Carman

I haven't posted about bad albums from Carman's thrift store since 2012, so they've have had 8 years to collect all sorts of terrible things for me to torture you with. Well, either nobody donates terrible stuff there, or the people who live there have a really terrible taste in music (which is what my guess would be). Regardless, I've managed to leave with these three gems without getting into a fight with other shoppers over it at the cash register.

The Peep Show - Leaving on a Jet Plane

This album should have been called "Leaving on a Shit Plane". Pickwick Records chose their name because they knew people were going to pick on it for their albums being junk. To be honest, Pickwick puts out some of the better quality knock-off records. They have NOTHING on Canada's Arc Records which generally sound like a dog eating out the asshole of a dead camel. 

Anyway, this album was funded by United Airlines. Their slogan is on the bottom right hand corner of the back of the album. Another bonus is this album gives credit to the people who worked on it: Gerry, John, Joe, Jim, Ken, and Bugs Bower. I'm guessing they were all hobos with no last names. Hell, the album barely mentions the name of the band. I guess this also makes it more difficult to hunt them all down and kick their asses for making this trash. The back of the album says this:

"The Peep Show adds its' own theatrical touch to every one of the ten top hits here. The new by Mama Cass,the not so new by The Archies..listen to our group take the best,and make it better."

I'll let you in on a bit of a secret... They didn't make it better. Also, Mama Cass has been dead for a long time, so I'd hardly call this "new". I'm also guessing this band records and performs naked since their name is "The Peep Show".

Listen to Sugar Sugar

DJ's Choice - Kid's Halloween Sing-a-Long

Since Halloween is coming soon, I felt no need to separate this CD for a Halloween entry. I'm pretty sure that "DJ's Choice" and "Drew's Famous" are pretty much the same company since they use the same tracks and identical drawing styles on their album covers. However, there is one difference between this and the other Halloween CDs I've posted... The cheap imitation vocal tracks have been replaced by children on three of the songs: Ghostbusters, Monster Mash, and Love Potion #9. And I thought these songs were done badly before!

I've posted about this version of Monster Mash before (with adults singing) which was on a Drew's Lamous CD. It has the intro stolen from the original recording which I find ironic since there's a footnote on the back of the CD stating that they didn't have permission to post the lyrics inside the booklet. But they had permission to steal the intro? I'm confused. Somebody needs to file a lawsuit, provide free popcorn, and invite me to watch.

The vocal tracks of the children have no reverb on them, leading me to believe that Drew just had his children record them in their basement. Although, it might be someone else's children since it's difficult to believe that Drew could possibly get laid. Imagine him trying to pick up women... "Hey baby! I run a shady record label that tricks people into buying fake versions of songs. Wanna see my cock?"

Listen to Monster Mash

Listen to Ghostbusters

Alleluia Choir / Jubilate Deo Choir - Praise to the Lord Almighty: Spring Concert, April 2002

There are actually three choirs singing on this CD, but they chose to not mention the shitty one on the album cover (and you know which one I'm going to post!) This CD contains the hits such as "Psalm 138", "Psalm 145", "Psalm 25", "Hymn 41", "Hymn 64" and "Hymn 118". I'm sure you can easily recognize the songs by their titles. The back of the cover lists the equipment used in the recording so you'll know if the church is worth breaking into to steal it.

We get treated to children singing out of tune, audience members coughing, and other talentless children playing recorders! You know this is going to be a splendid treat.

Listen to Psalm 116

Listen to Psalm 150

Next, we shall zoom over to Portage La Prairie where the thrift store is usually overloaded with terrible things.

Sunday, September 20, 2020

Junq Tour 2020: Morris

Another year, another Junq Tour! Sorry the entries have been lacking, but my new work space is still under construction. Regardless, I bought lots of albums that need to be unleashed to the world.

The first stop was Morris, Manitoba. I was able to buy a cassette drawer full of terrible things for two dollars. There were a lot of German cassettes at the thrift store, so I filtered those out since I can't understand them anyway. However, since this is part of the Christian Wheat Belt, I ended up with mostly Christian music. I honestly wouldn't have a problem with Christian music if it was performed by talented people. Unfortunately, the entire genre seems to be a magnet for those who have the talent of a retarded donkey. So let's see what an entire herd of retarded donkeys can do.

The majority of these album are on the "Silver Streams" record label. It almost seems like a good portion of their catalog was dumped at the thrift store. They should have been dumped in the trash.

Amarie - My Reflection

She sings well, it's mixed decent, and she's wrapped up in leather. What more do you want? Well, how about some good songs? Yes, we have those too! What the hell is going on? Why has a good album fallen into my hands? The world must be about to end.

There is virtually nothing for liner notes on the back of the cover, but her facebook page is listed. So I went and had a look. I'm pretty sure that this is NOT the same person. 

Perhaps this other Amarie hijacked the original Amarie's Facebook account. I tried to find her on Google but nothing came up. It seems as though she completely vanished after recording this album. That's too bad because I would be more than happy to put down some money for more music by her. Yes, it's that good! The song "Think of Me" has to be one of the best songs released in the 2000s. I would love to know who the band mates are and who mixed this unusual jewel, but liner notes didn't seem to be a priority.

Perhaps she was ousted from the Christian Wheat Belt for having talent and trying to put some rock music into everyone's horse-manure-in-a-cowboy-hat lives

If Amarie ever discovers her album here, I would love to see a comment. Until then, feel free to enjoy these two stand out tracks from this fine piece of work.

Listen to Think of Me

Listen to Sunrise

Springs of Living Water - He Touched Me

This album molests your ears and you will need therapy after listening to this shit. I don't think I have yet touched on the Lord's universal sexual abuse song, so here it is, unmolested and ready to penetrate your virgin ears. Feel free to file a police report about this album afterwards.

Well, at least there's trees on the cover. Somebody's got wood.

Listen to He Touched Me


Just because you went by only your first name, it doesn't mean you're as talented as Tiffany. First of all, you're ugly. Second, you're old. Third, your songs suck ass. You need to go back to being a 1980s housewife and make me some fucking danishes instead of recording duds.

Listen to Wonderful Lord

Frederick & The Fountains of Forever - Waltzing Waters Theatre

Why do people go to Branson and never take me? It's apparently where the artists of Classical Gas Emissions go to die. Perhaps I'll head down there for fun once the plague of 2020 is done killing people. Anyway, we have a nice man at a nice piano playing nice music. I'm not sure if he's trying to be the next Floyd Cramer or Frank Mills, but he fails at both of them. Freddy's version of these songs is somewhat lackluster. You're better off getting the original artists' albums and recording over this one.

Listen to Music Box Dancer

Rosie Gonzalez - More Than Conquerers

What the fuck is this? Her grad photo? She was probably 48 years old when she recorded this and decided that we shouldn't know that. This tape is nothing but a bunch of mushy, shitty 1980s gospel music.

Listen to He's Still Working On Me

Abe & Anna Teichroeb

May all our glory be shown to reverb! Also, we have trees on the cover again. Trees seem to be the theme for these Christian album covers as opposed to the usual pictures of sunset. 

I think this is supposed to be the Mickey & Bunny of the Mennonite community. Abe is trying very hard to sing well, but he's pretty damn terrible. Abe and Anna decided to cleverly disguise their cover of "The Rose" by calling it "Some Say Love". Sneaky bastards. I didn't need another fucking version of "The Rose". I honestly don't understand the appeal of the damn song.

Listen to Some Say Love

Echoes of Glory - Living For Jesus

This album consists of borderline talented people, apparently seven of them in total. However, it sounds like this album was made by two or three people which makes me wonder what the hell the other four to five of them are doing.

What I love most about Christians is their ability to make you feel like a guilt-ridden piece of shit through their music. There is no better song to demonstrate that than "If Jesus Came To Your House". If that happened to me, I'd probably phone the police or beat the piss out of him with a baseball bat for trying to scam me into buying his Book of Mormon. Apparently others would invite him in and hide all the shit that they're embarrassed about. I have no shame. Come look at my porn, Jesus.

Listen to If Jesus Came To Your House

Echoes of Glory - Road To The Cross

We have trees! Also, the dad looks just as miserable as he did on the last album. All of them were wearing dresses except for the men who forgot that they were supposed to look pretty for the photo shoot. Also, the trees aren't wearing dresses either.

For this album, they decided to leave the tuning of their guitars in the hands of the Lord. Apparently he forgot to do it. Oh well, I forgive him.

Listen to I'll Keep Holding On To Jesus

Contry Gospel Messengers - Better Place

Contains your favourite hits such as "Theree Men on the Mountain", "Better Palce", and "Here My Best Friend". These guys can sing just as good as they can spell. 

All of them have a mandatory moustache except for one guy who still hasn't hit puberty yet (and is probably the singer). Also, one guy's in the band solely because his name is "Nacho".

Listen to Theree Men on the Mountain

Henry G. Penner - Gospel Music / In Loving Memory

So apparently Mr. Penner made this music shortly before he died in a car accident. I honestly think that Henry would have been better off going out on a high note, but instead his family decided to release this pile of garbage that he probably never intended on letting the public hear. 

Speaking of death, the splice on the cassette fell apart and my tape deck had a good nibble on the tasty chromium dioxide that Henry's music was recorded on. This is probably my favourite version of the song since it's really short.

I have no clue what circus instrument this crap is played on. It's campy as hell. Anyway, if you enjoy Oom-pah Christian instrumentals, this one's for you.

Listen to the tape get eaten

Listen to Nearer My God To Thee

The Reimer Family - Swing Wide The Gates

Apparently, the Reimer family is made up of trees. Sadly, these trees aren't very good singers.

This is essentially one person who knows how to play a few basic chords on the guitar, and the rest of his family sing along. I mean sure, record this for your family to enjoy, but why must the rest of us need to hear this junk? All these songs sound the same. The baritone singer (dad) is a pretty crappy baritone. His voice cracks like 12 plumbers trying to fix a cracked pipe.

Listen to My Savior Daily Walks With Me

Neil Schellenberg Family

We have tree silhouettes on the cover, just to make it look mysterious even though it's just more shitty Christian songs sung by more talentless assholes. This fucking tape sounds exactly the same as the Reimer Family tape. Trees going through a wood chipper sounds better than this. They're singing in one corner of the room while the tape recorder is sitting in another corner, giving you that "we're stuck in a cabin together and are probably going to eat each other to survive" kind of sound.

Listen to You're My Best Friend

Maria Heinrichs - I Will Stand By You

One thing we can say about this one is the trees can see better than she can.

According to the inlay:

Maria has played music since she was seven years old. She has never taken lessons

... and it really shows. This is the second album I have by Maria, and it's just as bad as the first one. She can't fucking sing.

Listen to Teach The Child

The Schroeder Family - In The Shelter Of His Arms

We will now end our "Family" series with more fucking trees. Also, The Schroeders are surprisingly worse than The Reimers and The Schellenbergs. There's so much trash on this album that I had to share the whole album with you. Six of the songs start with a whiny slide guitar and five start with running the pick down the strings. Coming up with an original way to start a song is the devil's work.

Listen to They That Wait Upon The Lord

Download the whole thing

This was a very long entry to get through, both for you and me. I promise you the others won't be as lengthy, but I can't promise they won't be as painful. Let's move on to Carman...