Tuesday, December 20, 2016

The Scruff Connors Archive

"I have never been to Florida, nor do I have any proof that Miami, Florida actually exists" - Scruff Connors

On December 18th, radio personality Scruff Connors passed away (real name Jeffrey Newfield). He did the morning show on 97.5 FM in Winnipeg back in the mid-90s. I've posted clips from his show on here before.

Back when I was 16 years old, I decided to switch my radio station of choice from the poppy Q-94 FM to Classic Rock 97.5 FM. At this point in my life, I was going through a lot of difficulties. I had a lot of depression due to my restrictive home life, frustration from my (both personal and situational) inability to date girls, and my mind was beginning to go down the path of suicide. I was extremely unhappy with life as a whole.

Mere weeks after I started listening to 97.5 FM, they switched morning show personalities from some guy named Jake to this new guy named Scruff Connors. He was doing a very lively show by himself until they brought in Larry Updike who eventually ended up being the butt of all his jokes. One of their first interactions together was a discussion about Larry's dead dog. In my opinion, this was the defining moment for the show and the stage was set for the next year or so.

I realised that I was missing a lot of fun and great content while I was going to school, so I started recording the morning show using a reel to reel machine and a 4 hour tape. (Back in the 1990s, there was absolutely no other way to record such a lengthy amount of audio at once with the exception of video cassettes.) When I returned home from school, I would listen to the tape and pick highlights from the morning show to transfer onto cassette.

Scruff's morning show was a tremendous bright spot in my teenage life, and it gave me a purpose for getting up in the morning and reason to come home in the evening. It kept me from wanting to call it quits on life. Scruff's morning show gave me reasons to smile and laugh through the turmoil I was experiencing. Listening to those shows still bring a smile to my face and give me a good laugh.

One morning I woke up just like any other day, turned on the radio, and Scruff was suddenly gone. No warning, no word on what happened, nothing. He was replaced by two buffoons named BJ and Hal who were using some of the recordings Scruff had left behind to liven up their shitty and un-funny morning show. The bright spot that got me through one of the most difficult periods of my life was now gone.

Years later, I used Google to find out what had happened to Scruff. He was apparently going through some very difficult personal things himself, and took a leave of absence from radio due to immense stress. He moved back to Ontario (where he came from) and eventually returned to the airwaves there.

At some point in the early 2000s, Scruff had started his own website and was selling an album he put together called "Crazy Calls". Due to the financial difficulty I was experiencing at that point in my life, I was unable to buy his album. It quickly disappeared off the internet along with Scruff's website, and I was kicking myself for not purchasing the album when I had the opportunity.

Earlier this year, I decided to take on the project of transferring the remaining recordings I had of Scruff's morning show from my old reel to reel tape and convert it into MP3 format. The plan was to create the Scruff archive that you are currently reading (although a busy summer prevented me from getting it up sooner). Shortly after transferring the recordings onto my PC, I found a sealed copy of Scruff's album "Crazy Calls" for sale on Ebay. I quickly purchased it and after it arrived, had myself a good sit and a good laugh. It was a joy to have some new listening material from him!

The Shows

These almost-full shows were transferred from one reel to reel tape. Each show was recorded in mono to one track. Four tracks equals four shows. One is a bit messed up, and I have no clue how the heck I did that. I didn't do any editing on these recordings. You get the banter, the songs, and the commercials until the tape runs out.

Scruff Show 1: Jan-20-95
Scruff Show 2: Feb-13-95
Scruff Show 3: Feb-16-95
Scruff Show 4: Feb-16-95 & Feb-1-95

The Clips

This is the entire collection of my favourite clips that I kept from the shows I recorded. A lot of the comedy commercials are in here such as Cooking with Chef Perry, Middle Finger Man, and others he used to play a lot. I kept the funniest or most interesting banter. The only things not included here are recordings of my appearances when I phoned in to win a prize or something.

Scruff had a segment where you would listen to a song played backwards and you had to guess what it was. I used my reel to reel machine sometimes to play the songs backwards so I could win a prize. One song that I got correct was his partner Larry singing and playing "Another One Bites The Dust" on his ukelele.

Listen to a clip of Larry Updike's First Appearance
Download the entire collection

Crazy Calls Vol. 1

This is Scruff's entire out-of-print album. Despite the title, I don't believe there's a second volume, but I'm guessing he was intending on releasing more.

Listen to Traffic Tickets
Download The Entire Album

The Miami Superbowl Joke

You can find the newspaper clippings I kept and the relevant audio files here.

Youtube Videos

There are a few Youtube videos floating around of Scruff singing karaoke songs. Here are the links:

How's Your Whole Family
Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town
You Are So Beautiful
Blow Me

My Final Words

Rest in peace, Scruff. You brought a lot of joy to this human soul and I'm sure many others as well.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Very Bunny Christmas

Here we are in the heart of Christmas! I hope you're drunk because Christmas isn't Christmas without being drunk at least 80% of the time. That's the only way to forget about all the money you blew on crap for family members you don't really like. Speaking of family, let's take a look at our first batch of Christmas albums...

Mickey and Bunny Sing Traditional Ukrainian Carols

You're going to be all set for Ukrainian Christmas this year!

My memories of Mickey and Bunny date back to the times when I was listening to their records in my grandmother's little apartment. There wasn't much else to do while my parents visited. She didn't speak a single word of English, except for the word "EAT!"

Here we see Mickey and Bunny with their son Daffy-Donald (haha, get it?). He just got a shiny new guitar for Christmas so he can jam out Christmas Carols with his dad. Too bad there isn't a single guitar to be found on this album. It's all depressing church organ music.

I must apologise to Mickey and Bunny's son for driving a screw through his right shoulder. He sadly lost the ability to play his guitar because I wanted to fix this 8-track. By listening to these audio files, you are all now guilty of amputation by association.

And if that wasn't bad enough, this poor kid ended up suffering even more when his parents divorced. His dad abandoned him to pursue a solo career. Then he died. Mickey's ex-wife Bunny is still touring Manitoba, singing "This Land Is Your Land" for all the old Ukrainians in the province.

Let's see what songs are on here...

Well, that's no fucking good. Somebody at V-Records had a little too much Whiskey while they were setting up the printing press to make the labels for this 8-track. I'm not very proficient at the names of regular Christmas Carols, let alone Ukrainian ones. As a result, I wasn't able to put the song titles on the files. You'll just have to guess what they're called.

Listen to ????!
Download the entire album!

Mickey and Bunny Sing English Xmas Carols in Ukrainian

When Mickey and Bunny were trying to figure out what their Christmas album covers were going to be, they looked no further than their family photo album. Since both of these pictures were take at the same time, I can't for the life of me tell you which album is which based on the covers alone. THEY ALMOST LOOK THE SAME.

The good news is the printing press guy was sober this time so I'm able to give you the song titles. On this album, we are again greeted by our good friend, the Hammond organ. Everybody rejoices!

By the way, did I mention I want to do a Mickey and Bunny discography? I've been actively buying their albums as of late.

Anyway, allow me to shut up so you can listen to a song and/or download the album.

Listen to Up On the House Top!
Download the entire album!

Christmas with Bugs Bunny

It's a damn good thing Mel Blanc did most of the Looney Tunes voices, or else Peter Pan Records would have gone bankrupt in a heartbeat making this record! They recruited some common asshole to voice Elmer Fudd, and he does a really dreadful job of it. But the rest of the voices are top notch since it was recorded before Mel Blanc's elderly, worn out chain-smoked voice went downhill.

The downside to this album is that Looney Tunes' strong point was the antics in the cartoons. Because this is a record album, they focused on content and plot which makes for an extremely dull record. Thankfully, there's some pictures on the back to help jumpstart your imagination.

There's a few songs throughout the album, and they're awful. Unless you're a die-hard Looney Tunes fan, you might want to skip this one.

Listen to Twas a Sight Before Christmas!
Download the entire album!

Eaton's - Christmas Through The Eyes of a Child

This one doesn't have any bunny reference, but it's the most interesting one of the bunch. This record was apparently given out to the staff at Eaton's department store. For those who don't know, Eaton's went belly up back in the 1990s due to Timothy Eaton's family fucking up the business they inherited.

This record is actually a red, transparent sound sheet. For those who don't know what a sound sheet is, it's basically an overhead projector sheet with grooves on it. For those who don't know what an overhead projector is, it's the ancestor to a computer screen projector. God I feel old.

This recording is nothing more than a twelve minute advertisement for Eaton's "Style of the 80s" campaign. The basis of the recording is Little Jack Horner telling awful jokes and interviewing a bunch of other fairy tale characters who can't stop bragging about how fucking awesome Eaton's is. It's quite a strange record to give out to your employees.

Listen to Christmas Through The Eyes of a Child!

And that wraps up the Christmas goodies for this year! I've got a big announcement (hopefully) coming in January. If you were hoping that the blog would go away, I'm sorry to inform you that it's not happening. I'm still going to be torturing you with awful recordings, but I'm going to add a new element to the blog. Stay tuned!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Christmas Cards to Lloyd and Erma

I don't know where I found these Christmas cards, but they belonged to a very old couple named Lloyd and Erma. So, let's spend Christmas with them through their friends and family!

Apparently, they moved recently. They're probably in a 55+ complex. Or a personal care home. Or they were recently moved to their graves. Who knows!

I'm glad Lloyd is feeling better too.

Branson seems to be a VERY popular place to visit for old people to visit. I wonder if Bertha was involved in the recording of "On The Road Again"?

This dumb bitch quoted the wrong scripture. Luke 2:13 reads: "Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying..." Boy, that one sure puts me in the Christmas spirit! Personally, I wouldn't go out for lunch with people who misquote God's word. Those people belong with Satan in hell.

Dear Niece Kathy:

Regina is a long way from BC. You are dumb.

Albert probably crashed his car because his Cataracts prevented him from seeing the 9 year old boy running into the street to catch a Pokemon.

Dear Alma,

Just because our grandchildren didn't go to university, it doesn't mean you should be gloating about your grandchildren. Besides, nobody makes good money being an anthropologist. We hope Asja enjoys her rewarding career at Burger King.

Don't you just love it when people write a full letter in their Christmas cards? Damn, why didn't you go into the details of your most recent and difficult bowel movement?

...and Larry is a fucking freeloader.

I hope these Christmas cards put you in the Christmas spirit! More stuff coming soon...

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Some Hi8 Christmas Videos

I have no clue where the hell I put the tapes for these Christmas videos. I don't even remember where I got them from. But I put them on Youtube for your viewing pleasure!

Speaking of Youtube, I finally did a bit of a re-vamping of my primary channel. It was very generic and looked like shit, but I was still able to acquire 751 subscribers - and that's WITHOUT asking people to subscribe!

So yeah, it's got a bit of a new look and I'm slowly progressing in my limited knowledge on how to handle video formats. These videos are in HD (about fuckin' time, ain't it!)

First up, we have this girl (I think her name is Melissa) who is totally fed up with getting panties for Christmas.

Next up is one of her Christmas concerts. The two opera singers in the back just add to the confusion and chaotic sound of the children.

I have some more Christmassy goodness coming your way, so keep your eyes open for it!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Junq Tour: Swift Current 2016

This past Summer, I took a trip out to Cabri, Saskatchewan to visit my brother. It's not a very big town, and the only exciting thing out that way is a giant hay bail that has been painted to look like a Minion.

We took a trip into Swift Current to check out the thrift stores. The one pictured above had walls covered in CDs, cassettes, 8-tracks, and it took me about two hours to go through everything. I had a HUGE Mountain of stuff I had plucked off the shelves which I eventually needed to downsize. I spent somewhere around $35 on music. I had to remove even more while coming up with items for this entry, so I'm bringing you the absolute cream of the crap.

I'm not gonna lie... There is a LOT of country music in this entry. That's pretty much all they listen to in Saskatchewan; Country music and the sound of wheat.

Perfect Morning - Along The South Saskatchewan River

There's nothing more satisfying than relaxing to the sound of birds, plants, dirt, and tape hiss with the occasional rumblings of... ummm.... something thumping. Sounds like the guy who made this recorded over a cassette copy of "Blue Meanies from Outer Space" for the Commodore Vic-20, and his tape recorder had a bad erase head. There is seriously something wrong with this recording. I don't find it relaxing. In fact, I think this is one of the WORST nature recordings I've ever heard in my life. I've heard some extremely clean and life-like ones. This one sounds like it was recorded onto a shoe box.

A Jonker Adventure.... More like a Junker adventure!

Listen to a clip of "At 4:40 AM dawn is sweeping upward gold-green from the horizon; already we hear Canada Geese and Mallards, some still huddled on their sand bar roosts, others moving about. More distantly, Song Sparrows call to one another. A  Ruffled Grouse drums inshore within an aspen stand to attract females; several teal in a group, wings whistling loudly, jet by as they move to other water. Soon, Mouning Doves begin cooing from the aspen, and a Marbled Godwit's brief call sounds like a squeaky wheel. Snowshoe Hares chase and thump in a thicket of willow and roses; they alert a Rufus-sided Towhee who starts calling from a nearby perch. At long last we begin to hear crows approaching in the distance, and briefly a pair of porcupines "complain" to one another as they do in spring. A  pair of Great Horned Owls call back and forth as light, still dim, spreads more evenly across the sky and their roosting time is imminent"!

Yes. That's the title. Stuff like this makes me hate people.

Julia and her Piano - Who Is This

This one isn't too bad. The thunderous opening track (Don't Know Where) had me hooked. The song "Open Book" is probably the most interesting track on here. It jumps around in tempo, but enjoyable as hell. Lots of bluesy piano ballady stuff to be found here. It might go in my personal collection after a few listens.

The only bad thing about this album is credits are on the back of the CD while the track listing is on the inside of the case. But that's a minor error. The fact that I didn't shove $2 up a sexually-abused sheep's arse in this case is a bonus.

Listen to "Open Book"

Buy her music on iTunes!

Corinne Newton - Wave

There's something off about this recording. The music is almost country music, but it's not shitty enough to qualify. It sounds a bit out of sync, and the mix doesn't seem to be that great, probably because Corrine played everything herself (but then why doesn't MY album sound this out-of-sync?). She put a picture of her mom in the booklet, so I guess that makes up for it's imperfections. The website listed in the liner notes is defunct, which is odd for an album that's only 5 years old. Oh well, the picture of her mom makes everything better.

Listen to Prairie Town

Destiny - Faraway Look
Destiny - The Ride of Your Life

I was on the border with picking up these tapes. The album covers are stupid enough, and it guarantees that you're in for some bad Christian music. The musicians are decent, but the lyrics are corny as a poop after Thanksgiving.

Some of the song titles on "The Ride Of Your Life" sound like a threesome with a dirty hooker and your uncle Billy. "Come On In", "What Have I Got Myself Into?", "I've Come To Believe", "The Ride Of Your Life" and "Would He Be Welcome?" are some of the sexual adventures included here. There's lots of fun to be had in the back seat of that car on the album cover!

For your enjoyment, I've picked the song about beating your kids.

Listen to Thank you Mom and Daddy

FMI Band - Finally Made It

FMI... I think it's an acronym for "Fuck Musical Intellect", but don't quote me on that.

This is one of those bands where you can't put your finger on what's wrong with them, but there's most certainly something wrong. Maybe it's the mix, maybe it's the fact that they're not playing in sync, maybe they're not really Christians, who knows? The only upside is the sound quality of this recording is pretty good.

Every song here is about how Jesus paid the price. The price was 25 cents for this tape.

Listen to Don't You Lay It On My Friend

You sing the hits of Roseanne Cash

Before the Lord invented the CD-G and Laserdisc formats, Karaoke singers were forced to use cassettes with an enclosed lyric sheet. One side of the cassette contained instrumentals, and the other side had guide vocals (usually on one channel).

If you'd like to sing along with this recording of Johnny Cash's daughter singing a Johnny Cash song, you can get rid of Nancy Sharp's atrocious vocals by turning your balance control all the way to the left. I'm sure you'll have no problem doing a nicer job than her, since she was obviously bored out of her skull when she recorded this.

Listen to Tennessee Flat Top Box

Harry Welling & Friends - Here I Am

HOLY SHIT! HITLER HAS TAKEN OVER MUSIC! We must all bow down to Harry Welling and his moustache.

I hate his voice. He sounds like Anne Murray. The more I listen to this album, the more I hate it. It's like a progressive disease that makes me want to overthrow Hitler and bring songwriting back to an enjoyable level.

The song "Bright Colours" makes me want to throw tropical fruit at my stereo system.

The song "Stage of Dreams" just makes me hate life and wish for the life of Anne Frank so I won't listen to this garbage anymore.

Listen to Bright Colours
Listen to Stage of Dreams

Solution 5-fifty-5 - Demo

Musically, Each song starts off okay and then goes through a rusty meat grinder. Fuck these guys and their Flying V guitar. Tempo is all over the place. They are in desperate need of songwriters to set them on the correct path. Seriously, this stuff could be great if the songwriting was decent. But it's not. Bob Dylan is in the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably.

Listen to Buck 3d

Kevin Harcourt - Keeping It Country

Weird Kevin Harcourt is baaaack!!! His cassettes and CDs have travelled far and wide. I'm pretty sure I have a couple more waiting to be reviewed. I'm getting close to doing a discography for him.

Weird Kevin is tackling songs such as Lucille by Kenny Rogers, Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson, On The Road Again by Willie Nelson, and You're My Best Friend by Queen. I'm only guessing it's the Queen song since I haven't listened to the whole tape.

As with Kevin's other releases, there's nearly nothing for album credits. My only guess is that his wife Marg helped out on this one, but she's too awesome to receive any credit.

Listen to Lucille

Candace - Struk On You

Some say lovvvve, it is a nostril, that's clogged, on a 13 year old girl. Yes, we have another cover of "The Rose" and it's one of the worst I've ever heard. We also have another under-aged rendition of "Daddy's Hands", but it's not as magnificent as the one by Jenna Crispin.

Candace Struk (HAHAHAHAHAHA, get it??? Struk On You? Funnnyy) is from a hole in the ground named Vegreville Alberta, and likes her twanky twonky country music. The quality of the recording is bright, distorted, and shrill, so they recorded it on CrO2 tape to preserve it's glass-shattering goodness. I was kind enough to flatten the audio a bit.

There's really not much else to comment on here, except that Candace could certainly use some Otrivin before she records her next album.

Listen to Grandpa
Listen to The Rose

Mr D'z Presents Tommy Vee

This album includes Route 66! Why does it fucking matter!?!? It does not! Nobody Cares!

Welcome to karaoke time at the old folks' home. Our first singer is Tommy Vee who (for some unfucking believable reason) is being promoted by Mr. D'z Diner. I had to look this shit up and guess what? HE'S ON THEIR WEBSITE!!!!

The song is supposed to play when you visit the site if you have Windows Media Player installed. Tommy Vee obviously hates Linux users such as myself.

The diner is located in Arizona. Anybody wanna fund a trip for me to go there? I need to see this shit to believe it.

Anyway, Tommy Vee ruins some of my favourites on his album called "Hits of the 50s &". At least that's what it's called on the CD. The inside of the cover calls it "HITS OF THE 50's & 60'S". Whoever produced this CD didn't seem to really give a shit about the end product, but if you'd like a copy, you can buy it from the Mr D'z website for $14.95 (NOT WORTH IT)

Listen to Love Potion #9
Listen to Teddy Bear
Listen to Can't Help Falling in Love

Sorry, you'll have to go to Arizona to hear "Route 66".

Karl Fix - Goin' Back

More like Karl Broken!

Karl Fix is taking you back to a time when it was cool to wear plaid shirts, have black and white album covers, and record terrible covers of once-great songs.

After almost a decade of maintaining this blog, I have NEVER seen anybody cover the song Lodi by Creedence Clearwater Revival. It was a really odd choice and Karl Fix destroys this song in his own unique way. The other songs are pretty typical for covers: Can't Help Falling In Love, Always On My Mind, Love Me Tender, etc etc yadda yadda.

Karl forgot to bust out the record-protect tabs on the cassette, so I can freely record some Iron Maiden onto it once I'm done reviewing it.

Listen to Lodi
Listen to House of the Rising Sun

Jack Patton

Jack Patton is the greatest man to ever grace Classical Gas Emissions. I cannot for the life of me figure out which way to display the album cover, and I cannot for the life of me understand that the hell he's singing. I damn near died of laughter while listening to this album! He must be 162 years old!

With producer Billy Strange (YES! THAT'S REALLY HIS NAME!) Jack Patton brings you a wonderfully produced album of songs filled with nonsense that almost sounds like real music! His band is fantastic, the backup singers are magnificent, the Nature Girl who appears in the inlay card for absolutely no reason is superb, and it all makes Jack sound like a professional mumbling superstar!

Listen to Ghost Riders In The Sky
Listen to Lonesome Dove Song

Central School Musical

There is no debating with me... The worst recordings I have ever heard have come from elementary schools. This album will kill you. You will fucking die if you listen to this recording all the way through.

The ingredients for napalm are one batch of children under the age of 10 singing, and one batch of children under the age of 10 playing the recorder.

I bid farewell to my readers who attempt to listen to all three recordings. I shall send flowers to your grave sites.

Listen to Happy Sun High
Listen to Rockin' Around the Hound Dog's blue Sued Shoe Bag
Listen to Song of Peace

Well that was fun, wasn't it boys and girls? I hope you've all been good this year because we've got some awesome Christmas entries coming up! There will be some great music coming for you to play at your Christmas dinners!

And in case you missed my appearance on Amateur Hour, you can listen to it here!

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Junq tour: Ashern 2016 (part 2)

We have finally arrived at part 2 of my trip to Ashern! The mountain of stuff I walked out with was incredible. Instead of having a long written intro, why don't I just shut the hell up and get to the content...

The Sushi Cabaret Club - Living On Mountains

Believe it or not, sometimes I'll find something I like in the pile of garbage I buy. The Sushi Cabaret Club most certainly sounds like it was made in Canada, but that doesn't mean the songs are about Hockey or dying from Cancer. If I could compare it to something else, I might choose the band Moist. Very good stuff, and I'll let you try and find the album yourself.

Listen to Innocent

Pancho & Sal - Revivir

Pancho & Sal sing in Spanish, and this CD actually sounds quite nice. I'm not much for Spanish, so the sole selling point on this album was their cover of La Bamba. It's actually very enjoyable!

Listen to La Bamba

The 50s Project

This is a tale of three old men who recorded a bunch of doo-wop covers, bought some cheap & shitty CD stock, and burned their masterpiece at 326x speed in their Goldstar CD Burner. The result is an album that's barely playable and barely extractable. It took 3 hours to extract the one song I was able to pull from the disc.

You get hits like "The Great Pretender" and "Unchained Melody", but you can't listen to them because most of the digital content has evaporated from the disc. However, I was able to bring you a fairly reliable recording of "In The Still Of The Night". After listening to this, perhaps the content needs to continue evaporating until none of these recordings are left in existence.

Listen to In The Still Of The Night

Blackthorn - Sweet Forget Me Not

God I fucking hate this music. It sounds like it's straight out of Newfoundland, but it came from British Columbia. You know that band Great Big Sea? I fucking hate them too. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing music that encourages the dancing of men dressed in pink spandex onesies and flowers in their hair.

They did take a shot at the Log Driver's Waltz, and they did an okay job at that. But the rest of this album is a bunch of fucking froo froo flamingo feces.

I've included the second song called "Lock The Door / Con Cassidy's Jig / Hardiman the Fiddler". They threw three fucking song titles on an instrumental. HOW THE HELL do you come up with three titles for a song that has no subject? Why does it need three titles? They could have just called it "Pantsless Eve" and everybody would have been happy. But they didn't, so everybody committed suicide. All that's left on this Earth is a copy of this album. When aliens find our desolate planet, they will be very disappointed.

Listen to Lock The Door / Con Cassidy's Jig / Hardiman the Fiddler

Shari & Jerry - Tallon

It's a bird! It's a plane! NO! It's a compilation of shitty songs by Shari & Jerry Tallon! At least I'm pretty sure it's a compilation. The songs aren't consistent enough to make it a project done over the course of a few months. Much of this is stuff you'd sworn you've heard on the weather channel. The forecast for today is cloudy with a chance of drizzing dick snot running down your leg.

So here's a summary of the three songs you're getting:

Neighbors - This is truly lo-fi Weather Channel Music.
Frozen Toes - Someone ate a bunch of instruments and barfed them all over the tape recorder.
Home - This sounds like a typical demo, but I think it's supposed to be the final product. It would be very pretty if the instrumentation was done better. The Guitar player needs to have his guitar taken away from him. He'd be better off with a hobby such as falling down the stairs.

Listen to Neighbors
Listen to Frozen Toes
Listen to Home

"No Rewind" To Be - Released Fall 2007

So here's a nice lady named ""No Rewind" To Be". She seems nice. She likes to wear brown. She's not a natural red head. I'd tell you more about her, but there is absolutely nothing else to go on but the cover and the song titles written on the CD.

She has a nice voice, but she ruins the fuck out of "Let It Be" by The Beatles. Why do so many people feel the need to butcher this song? It's almost as popular as "The Rose" and "Bridge Over Troubled Water". If Paul McCartney were alive today, he would cut her leg off.

Listen to "Let It Be"

Todd Butler Band - Sole Doubt at the Rose

You know those guys who try so hard to be funny that they aren't funny at all? No, I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about the Todd Butler Band. I really can't find any humour in these songs. For everyone listening to this outside of Canada, no, we're not this un-funny.

When you're 40 and singing about wanting somebody else's parents, you should've stopped living at 25.

When you're so desperate for a good tune and you steal one from Del Shannon, you need to get sued by Del's family.

Sorry Todd, your ideas for songs suck ass. My girlfriend hates you too.

Listen to Your Parents
Listen to Canadian Spy (aka a bad rip-off of "Runaway")

Now, let's do some bonus stuff!!!

Board game: Happy Days: Fonzie's Real Cool Game

There was no way in hell I could pass up this board game. How cheesy! The box looked like someone sat on it. I guess he wasn't very cool.

After looking over the rules and the game itself, it actually appears to be kinda fun! The juke box is used to measure your "coolness" which goes up and down during the game. The middle of the board is used for drag racing, and you get a minimal amount of cash to play with. The Fonzie Favorites 8-track is NOT included, but you can read my review on it here if you wish.

Here's the lovely jukebox featuring Fonzie, Ritchie, and some other guy. Forgive me, I could've cared less for the TV show when I was a kid which is strange, considering how much I loved the Fonzie Favorites 8-track.

The word "cool" appears approximately 391 times in the instruction booklet and about 53 times on the board itself.

The artist who drew Henry Winkler made him look about 50 years old with all those age lines. I guess 50 year old men are coooooool.

Here's some of the 'Cruisin' cards. Apparently, wearing colored socks isn't cool. The Fonz has no sense of adventure.

Here is pretty much everything that consists of the "Somethin' To Do" cards. How the hell can you get by with spending $3 while on a date. You can't even get a fucking Happy Meal for $3!

Here's a picture of me and my kid pretending to have fun playing this board game. Perhaps one day we'll play it for real.

Video: How To Shoot Home Video, The Basics

Finally, Classical Gas Emissions is happy to give you a detailed video on how to use your new digital camcorder!

Look at this guy. He's getting all the babes with that beautiful, compact, high definition camcorder. You can get laid like him too right after you watch this super cheesy video on how to make yourself the ultimate stud muffin with your sexy shorts that demonstrate your lack of manhood!

And that's it for my trip to Ashern. I have another extremely long entry on the way very shortly. This past summer, I took a trip out to Saskatchewan to visit my brother and dropped about $35 at the thrift store there.

Also, I'm still appearing on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies this coming Wednesday. Don't forget to tune in to 95.9 FM at 5:00 on November 16th! For those who can't tune in, you should have someone in Winnipeg phone you, and then put their phone by the radio for an hour while you listen to some of the worst music imaginable. It'll be totally worth their long distance charges!