Found Foot Videos

I recently found a couple of laptops. One was dead, but this one worked fine although it has Windows Vista installed. I swear that Vista is a hundred times worse than Windows ME was. I've used quite a few Windows ME installs that worked fine, but Vista always seems to be extremely slow and chunky. I upgraded the RAM a bit in this laptop, just so it would run a bit better.

This computer belonged to a woman named Jenny who seems to be into new age stuff and has her own blog. Normally I would post stuff that she's written, but because it's already located elsewhere on the internet, I've decided to leave it alone.



She looks pretty fucking happy for someone who's about to be eaten by a wolf.

The most interesting thing I found on this laptop was FIVE videos about feet. They're cute, but I think five videos qualifies as an obsession or fetish.

Enjoy!

The Love Story of Michael & Ana

I hope you guys are bored at work today (and maybe tomorrow). I've got something great to entertain you!

I found these 4 items in a huge box that contained cassettes, CDs, book, and floppies. I'm kicking myself for not taking pictures of the box these came in, because the items were quite telling of the person who owned them. It contained a LOT of Spanish language teaching materials and cassettes of the band UB40.

Most of the floppies contained Spanish language tests and exams... except these three. These disks have a collection of emails that were sent to the owner (Ana) from a lover named Michael. Michael's writing style is unique, humorous, and highly entertaining. Dare I say that this collection of writings is more interesting and addictive than Agnes's journal which I posted years ago.

The emails come to a dead halt just before Christmas. What happens afterwards is anybody's guess. As a bonus, you also get to hear Ana's answering machine tape.

Feel free to put your workload aside, and waste some of your employer's time by reading this moving, heartfelt, and humorous love story.

CLICK HERE TO READ!

Shannon's Stay at the Aspen Achievement Academy

Before I dive into this entry... Remember how I said I was making another appearance on Amateur hour? Well, you can listen to it here! I played some stuff that hasn't been covered yet, so it's well worth a listen.

And now, let's move on...

Sometimes I come across the most bizarre shit. This is one of those things that just makes me laugh and shake my head.

These are letters that belonged to a woman named Shannon. She received them from friends she made while staying at the Aspen Achievement Academy. So what is the Aspen Achievement Academy? Well, here's a snippet from Wikipedia:

Aspen Achievement Academy enrolled adolescent males and females, ages 13-17, with a history of moderate to severe emotional and behavioral problems, such as low self-esteem, academic underachievement, substance abuse, and family conflict. The program had a flexible length of stay, with a minimum of 35 days. Some parents use the services of a teen escort company to transport their children to the site.

Isn't that FUN?

So for your reading enjoyment, I'm posting scans of the letters Shannon received.

From Erin:


From Kelsey:


From Molly:


From Rachel:


From Lena:



...and a hand-drawn picture of Jim Morrison!

I really wish I could blog 24/7. There's so much stuff sitting here that I'm just dying to share with all of you! Alas, you'll have to wait until I have time.

New Album: Polished Turds

When you throw away your computer, you should probably format the hard drive first. If you don't, your contents are likely to end up on Classical Gas Emissions, and that's exactly what's happening in this entry.

First, I must tell you that in the 7 years I've been writing this blog, I've never had more fun putting together an entry than I did with this one. Every bit of putting this content together was fun and enjoyable!

So what did I find?



This computer belonged to a guy named Kellen Guilbault, who I may add is a fantastic guitar player. Kellen recorded a whole bunch of songs, many of them being classic rock covers. These were all multitrack recordings that were made with a piece of software called Cubase.



I initially found a handful of poorly mixed songs that were in various stages of completeness. After the excitement of finding these, I dug around in the .wav files sitting in the software's default recording folder and found more hidden gems, totalling over 80 minutes of "music".

Now although Kellen is a damn good guitar player, that's pretty much all that's enjoyable about these recordings with a few exceptions. The timing is off, many of the tracks were recorded with a cheap microphone, and Kellen isn't a very good singer. For a couple of songs, he sought out the aid of a female singer (name unknown) who does a better job. I also believe that Kellen's brother Marc is the one playing the drums.

After gathering up the songs, I transferred them to my own PC and put them into my preferred choice of multitrack software: Multitrack Studio. I remixed them and put some much-needed effects on the tracks. I could have fixed many of them with extensive editing, but editing is tedious and I would have to send Kellen a bill for my time (I found his address on his resume). Plus, the songs are extremely entertaining in their original sloppy, out-of-sync form.

We've got a bunch of Led Zeppelin covers, a couple of Stones and Beatles songs, and a handfull of other well-known classic rockers. There's also a few of Kellen's originals in this collection. The quality of the songs is all over the place, ranging from excellent to down-right-fucking-awful.

The best ones here are Kellen's "Song Zero", Neil Young's "The Needle and the Damage Done" and The Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter" which lacked vocal tracks, so I sang them all and mixed them in. This is the only song I did editing on, since there was a bar missing which rendered the song useless for recording the second verse of vocals.

The worst ones are "You Shook Me All Night Long" and "House of the Rising Sun". They're absolutely atrocious renditions.

Since I did such a fantastic job remixing these songs, I Christened the collection with the name "Polished Turds" and made a nice album cover using a couple of photos I found on the hard drive.



Here's some options for your enjoyment:

Download the entire collection! (You WON'T be sorry)
Listen to "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
Listen to "The Wind Cries Mary"

If you're wanting to know how much I improved the sound, feel free to hear the original mix of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps".

And that's pretty much it!

On September 24th, I'll be making another appearance on Amateur Hour. In the next couple of weeks, I'm also planning on releasing the album I recorded, so there's lots of exciting things coming up! Stay tuned...

Slides 1968-1974

A while back, I came across a pile of cool junk that someone discarded. In the pile of junk was a couple of trays containing slides. I've gone through them and scanned the most interesting ones for your enjoyment!

The period of the slides ranges from 1968-1974. The styles of this period are always interesting to look at.



I believe this slide was a sample that came free when you bought a slide projector. The color of the picture was very red, since red is the last colour that disappears from deteriorating plastic film. Thanks to digital photo editing, I was able to restore the colour in this picture. I'm guessing it's from the mid-60s.

Now I'm going to shut up and let you look at some pictures. Some of them may be backwards.

Merry Christmas from a Bunch of People with a Health Problem

I don't remember where I found this tape, but it's bizarre as fuck. A group of people who meet together to discuss a health problem decided to record a cassette, wishing some guy named Terry a Merry Christmas. Since they don't state what their health problem is, I'm just going to assume that it's Athlete's Foot.

Hey, 'tis the season to catch it! Your toes get all dry and cracked, and the next thing you know you've got fungus growing in there after you stomped that bug to death. But it wasn't a bug. It was a piece of dog poop. You should really let him outside more frequently! Now you must suffer.

So, Have a Merry Christmas from a bunch of people suffering from what is presumptuously Athlete's foot. I hope they're all still alive and in good health.

Listen to it here!

Songs About a Cat

A couple weekends ago, I picked up a Hi8 VCR for five bucks. For years, I've been trying to acquire a working Hi8 video camera for the sole purpose of playing the video tapes I've been picking up, and I've been unsuccessful for years. Most of the cameras I found were in non-working order. Now I have a working standalone machine. I'm surprised I was able to get it for so cheap because these players are quite rare.

So I dug into the "in queue" box and dug out all my Hi8 video tapes. About four tapes came from one family, namely one of their daughters. Meet Sarah:



(Did I ever tell you how much I love finding pictures of the equipment used to make the content?)

Sarah is probably in the ballpark of 9-12 years old in these videos. I skipped the boring family vacation videos in order to find the good stuff. Sarah enjoys video taping herself dancing around in the basement with her older sister. But the best videos were of Sarah singing about her cat, Pepper. The songs are fucking terrible but highly amusing, especially the one where she adds in the subject of a boy who picks his nose and bum.

At the end of the video, I tacked on her performance in a school talent show (which was about 2 years after she recorded her cat songs). She sings the Bryan Adams song "Heaven" and for the most part, she does a half decent job at it. I think she would have received a better response with the 'nose and bum picking cat song', but that's just my personal opinion.

Enjoy the video:


My cat was sitting beside me while I was transferring this video. Sarah's grading voice made him leave the room.

And just as a side note, I found some home-made gay porn on one of the tapes. Click here to enjoy a NSFW screenshot while I book an appointment with my therapist.

I'm Sick, So Let's Listen to Some Pukey Recordings!

I've been sick on and off for the last three weeks. I'm fucking tired of it and pretty miserable about being cooped up in the house, nursing my now skinny ass back to health. It's a perfectly ideal excuse to write a blog entry!

Here's some cassettes I picked up at one of my favorite thrift stores a while back. I went in there with a walkman, previewed a bunch of their tapes, and bought the most interesting ones. Here's what I walked out with...


The Welfare Starlets



This song suits me perfectly as I'm bleeding from my rectum from having constant diarrhea over the past three days. This band actually released one album in their lifetime, but this song isn't on it. It's a great song and I'm sure it conveys my painful rectal feelings onto you, the reader and listener. But unlike the songs says, I can't eat taco chips or squiggly candies because I'll just barf 'em back out. Women have it easy.

Listen to Menstrual Blues


Dick Singing



My dick can't sing, and maybe that's a good thing. If it did, I'd have to castrate myself and become celibate, and knowing my libido I'd have to kill myself along with my singing wang. This cassette is actually an adorable recording of a child (around three years old) singing nursery rhymes, the alphabet, and anything other songs he can mess up in his own cute way.

Listen to Dick sing


Tom Monkman - Singing to Slimness



I can't sing because I'm still recovering from having laryngitis last week. I don't have to sing to be slim because I've been puking up everything I eat. I've lost a total of 6 lbs just by not eating. Fuck you Tom Monkman! Your weight loss program isn't as effective as the one I've been on! I'm suing you for the fifty cents I spent on your shitty cassette! Oh wait, I can't because the cassette says "for educational purposes only."

On the subject of the actual content of this tape, it's another religious weight-loss program. Apparently singing praises to the Lord will make you shit out the pounds.

Lose some fat with this asshole


Figure 4 - Demo '98



Sometimes the best way to get the Lord's message across is to scream it so hard that nobody understands what your problem is. This is some fine Christian death metal that makes you appreciate the fact that you can't understand any of it. Luckily they provide a lyric sheet so you can scream along at home! The singer sounds a lot like I did last week when I had laryngitis.

Listen to Hollow Religion


Brian Browne - Beatles



I really have to wonder where people get their ideas from. "Hey, The Beatles suck wombat balls! Maybe we could make them more tolerable if we take some of their songs and turn them into smooth jazz renditions!"

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Listen to I Want To Hold Your Hand


I think I've officially gone crazy by being cooped up for days and listening to a cassette of jazzy Beatles songs. Please send the mobile crisis unit to my house so they can lock me up in a rubber cell when I can no longer be tortured. Or send me some nice morphine so I can sleep through the nights.

Dead Computer Found!

It's been a long time since I posted the contents of a PC I found. I can't remember if it was in the trash or abandoned by the computer recycler, but I don't think it's more than five years old with the most recent files being created in the fall of 2010. When I got it, it didn't power up. I switched out the power supply and like magic, it turned on and let me into this family's world of photos and videos.

The methods of pulling files off PCs I find vary with hardware and operating systems, and because this one is fairly new, I was able to easily transfer the files over my LAN. The most frustrating part of compiling this collection of stuff was dealing with the multiple and sometimes unusual video formats.

But here it is... A lovely collection of the best of what I found on this PC. I hope you enjoy it!

Click Here to Check It Out!

Christmas with Dad

So here's a little update with what's been going on. I have a few things to wrap up with all the problems that have been happening in my personal life (and I had another major new one pop up) but regular blog postings are going to be returning to your lives! Unfortunately, there's no money for Christmas this year, so I've been trying to figure out how to put peace, love, health, goodwill, and Christmas Cheer under the tree, let alone figure out how to wrap the fucking things.

Regardless, I'm back to posting and your perfect lives are once again going to be tarnished with horrible singers, bad music, and dreadful youtube videos that nobody should be watching.

But for this post, I'm bringing you an absolutely adorable recording.



I can't remember where I found this tape, but if I ever find out who threw it away, I'm going to personally kick their ass because this recording should have been cherished. It's a recording of a father singing Christmas carols with his two kids. It's a nice break from the garbage I usually post.

Listen here

Rovez Rocks The Mic

I found this computer a couple of weeks ago. It's mostly loaded with pictures and illegally downloaded movies. However, I found a few little gems on it. Meet Rovez:



This is the only picture I could find of Rovez. I wish it was clearer, but he's just rockin' the fuck out of that microphone, isn't he?

Anyway, Rovez recorded a number of tracks on this computer. There are multiple takes, so I chose the most complete ones to share with you. I'm pretty sure they're all originals. None of them had titles, so I took it upon myself to bless these creations with only the best song titles I could think of.

I also found a downloaded copy of the Autotune VST plugin. He desperately needs it, but instead of putting it on any of his songs, I left them in raw form since they're so much more entertaining!


Billionaire
It's such a pretty song about how Rovez wants to be famous. His wish is my command... Please welcome Rovez to Classical Gas Emissions!

Raindrops
Here, Rovez is missing his girlfriend. She probably left because he sang to her.

You Got Me Too
This is his longest song. I thought the lyric was "Every time I think of it I pinch myself". After a couple more listens, I've decided that it's actually "I piss myself".

I'm Fuckin' Sick
This is his shortest song. In fact, it's him rapping for a total of 9 seconds! I'm not sure what the message is that he's trying to convey, but it fails to reach me. All I've learned is that you little bitches is just fuckin' faggots!

Pacman
There's a little story behind this one. From the information I gathered, it seems that Rovez wanted to enter a freestyle rap contest. I found the actual MP3 he was rapping to and I also found an overdub track. Since I had the basic makings of a song, I mixed it together, threw some effects on it, edited it, and voila... I've got Rovez's big hit single! Make way for the mansion and the hot bitches!


Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed rummaging through Rovez's computer. I'm not sure when my next entry is going to be because it's time to re-vamp my PC again. Over the next little while, I'm going to be backing everything up, formatting, re-installing, and I've put together a nice file server which I've named "Jehovah". So forgive me for any delays, but I'll try to keep a few updates coming over the next little while.

The Happy Happy Happy New Year Song

Ted Meseyton (whoever the hell he is) entered a song writing contest by writing this timeless-sounding classic. Well, I can only assume he submitted it. If this was the cassette to be submitted, I doubt it made it to the contest because I found it in a box of crap someone threw in the trash, along with the Unicity Taxi video I posted a while back.

I hate this song. The trash was a good place for it.

Download it here.

Ted, you sound like you're really old. Please find something better to do with your retirement. Take up jigsaw puzzles or peeing in your wheelchair.

And on that note, we've pissed away yet another year on Classical Gas Emissions. Make way for 2012 which will have yet ANOTHER Armageddon threat, and more posts about junk I find. See you all in the happy happy happy new year!

Laura & Christine's Christmas Tape

I've been wanting to get one more entry up before Christmas, but I've been really busy. Part of it was making a crazy-ass home video for my girlfriend (which convinced me that I REALLY should have my own TV station) and of course the usual wrapping of gifts, shopping, ramming irritating people out of the way with 3-pack tubes of Christmas wrap, getting thrown out of Walmart, boycotting Walmart, and panhandling to pay the loitering fine that I got.



Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.

So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:

Listen to The Chipmunk Song

Download the entire tape here!

Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!

X-rated BBS Ads

Here's another computer I scrounged up. It's a cute yet ugly little 386. Yes, I modified the display to show "FU". This computer has Windows 3.1 on it along with many DOS applications, one of which was a .gif image viewer. I used this piece of software to view the many x-rated .gif files that were stored on this computer.

There's quite a few interesting things about this batch of porn I found. First of all, the date stamps are from 1993. Second, the few that have copyright years noted on them are from before 1993. Third, they're all in color. Fourth, they all have BBS ads added into the image (a BBS (Bulletin Board System) was a computer system people could dial into and download files, post messages, and play 'door games' such as "Legend of the Red Dragon", all of which predated the popularity of the Internet). The BBS owners likely put their ads onto these pictures to prevent other BBSes from stealing them for their own, and to help promote their boards.

Computer image scanners didn't really appear until the early-to-mid 90s, and even so, the affordable ones were initially black and white handheld pieces of junk. The people who scanned these images either had a shitload of money to spend on scanning equipment, or they had access to a color image scanner belonging to a professional business.

Even color PC monitors weren't in existence for very long before these images were scanned. I clearly recall using Windows 3.11 on a 286 with a monochrome monitor.

First, the warnings...
THESE IMAGES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!
THESE IMAGES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR THOSE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE!!!

And now, feel free to enjoy these nifty-looking BBS ads:


The Dirty Hacker BBS
Electric Blue BBS
The McHenry BBS
Rusty Eddie's BBS
The Taste BBS
Windy City / TomCatPix BBS

If you want to download all of them (like the guy in the comment section), click here!

Little Arlo

I found this computer in the garbage. There's nothing horribly special about it. It's got a 40G hard drive, has a shitload of illegally downloaded music from Limewire, and a whole bunch of pictures of a couple with their child.

That being said, I'd like you to meet little Arlo:



Arlo is your typical 1 1/2 year old. He's full of curiosity and is quite busy exploring everything. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop his parents from doing stupid things.



That wasn't very nice.