Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Happy Happy Happy New Year Song

Ted Meseyton (whoever the hell he is) entered a song writing contest by writing this timeless-sounding classic. Well, I can only assume he submitted it. If this was the cassette to be submitted, I doubt it made it to the contest because I found it in a box of crap someone threw in the trash, along with the Unicity Taxi video I posted a while back.

I hate this song. The trash was a good place for it.

Download it here.

Ted, you sound like you're really old. Please find something better to do with your retirement. Take up jigsaw puzzles or peeing in your wheelchair.

And on that note, we've pissed away yet another year on Classical Gas Emissions. Make way for 2012 which will have yet ANOTHER Armageddon threat, and more posts about junk I find. See you all in the happy happy happy new year!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Laura & Christine's Christmas Tape

I've been wanting to get one more entry up before Christmas, but I've been really busy. Part of it was making a crazy-ass home video for my girlfriend (which convinced me that I REALLY should have my own TV station) and of course the usual wrapping of gifts, shopping, ramming irritating people out of the way with 3-pack tubes of Christmas wrap, getting thrown out of Walmart, boycotting Walmart, and panhandling to pay the loitering fine that I got.

Anyway, this is a cool tape made in December 1992. I have no clue where the hell I found it, but it's been sitting in my 'in queue' box for a while. It's a mix of regular old crappy Christmas carols, but we've got two girls on here playing the songs on an organ, much like the organs you find in old folks homes (and in my mother's house). I don't think there's a more depressing, miserable sound than an old electric organ. When I die, I want "Don't Fear The Reaper" played on one of these ugly-sounding instruments for my funeral.

So, if you'd like Christmas to remind you of death, then this album is for you! I've taken the liberty of putting the whole tape up for you to download, but for those who don't want this thing cluttering up their hard drive, here's a lowly clip:

Listen to The Chipmunk Song

Download the entire tape here!

Have a merry Christmas, and I've got a real fucked up one for you for New Years. Keep your eyes peeled for it!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Killing Plenty of Fish - Part One

About a year and a half ago, I found myself single again. It's not that I can't go out and meet women in person, but I can't do that when I'm working out of town or bored on a Sunday night. So to fill in some time during these off-hours, I made a Plenty Of Fish profile. I've had a little success off it, but nothing that classifies as "plenty of fish". I couldn't help but wonder what things were like on the female side of the coin, so I created a female profile. NOW I know why it's called "Plenty Of Fish". The fish are male sharks with raging hard peckers, looking to stalk and fuck anything that crosses their eyes.

Initially, I didn't respond to the 10+ messages I was getting per day. But over time, it was just to irresistible. I never knew how disgustingly desperate the men of the world are. So I began to interact and poke fun at them for their desperation, their use of netspeak, and the misuse of the acronym "lol".

I saved the best conversations for your reading pleasure. There was so much that I decided to break it up into two post. Without further ado, meet my alter-ego: Annabelle the bitch.


Him: haw are u i hope u are ok
so i'm looking for somone ho want have a god time and enjoy with him
if u are intersted text me that is

Her: Your piss-poor engrish is hilarious!

Him: yes i now because i'm new i speak french and spanish

Her: I want you to give me instructions on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Her: Where did you go? Message me!!!

Him: i don't now how to sey it to you sorry

Her: Please? For me? I think you're cute :)
Her: You eres un hombre dulce, pero haven respondió

Him: u to are a beautiful and i like u more than u so if u want
to meet me i have all time for u baby just say yes and i
will be yours a wana have some fun with u that all

Her: No problem, but first you still need to tell me how to make that sandwich.

Him: hi there

Her: Dude, I can't date you if you can't even fucking listen to me.


Him: i am not a creep, i am a normal guy. fyi my name is chris. r u orginally from wpg.?

Her: What makes you 'not a creep'?

Him: cause i aint lookin for a **** or a one night stand . i am looking to meet someone that has time to spend with me and get to know one another. hopefully if things were right to take it to the next level. i basically just want some one to love me again. and well..... me love them back.thats it i aint hard to please.

Her: Get a dog

Him: that was a little uncalled for i am a single dad tryin to raise my boys all alone in an already tuff world. just opening up my heart. and u have to make some smart ass remark why? but whatever i hope u have a great evening.

Her: Good, I don't need a big baby for a boyfriend.

Him: whoa! i aint no suck. i am a mans man no worries there! i kinda like u already your kinda a challenge, lol

Her: Then why are you whining like my best friend when she's off her meds?

Him: lmaoo was meaning to whine. just telling you like it is. oh fyi bounus, i dont take meds. lol so instead of being mean what else do ya do? and dont be snotty with me be real. i can tell by your eyes you aint a **** at all.

Her: You can't tell shit by my eyes.


Him: daaaaaaaam ;)

Her: Go buy a new keyboard. Yours is broken.

Him: lmao nope thats my heart lol

Her: Getting electrocuted might fix that

Him: your just a charmer eh lmao :P

Her: You're not

Him: you always this happy? lol

Her: Yes

Him: wow so whats wrong?

Her: Nothing

Him: lmao want me to stop messaging you?

Her: Sure

Him: lol your wish is my command ;) happy fishing


Him: Hello there. How is life treating you?

Her: Fine

Him: It's funny, I used to put "shiny things, wicker, sirens" as interests. But too many people were taking it literally.

Her: Poor you.

Him: Well it wasn't so much poor me. It was more so a result of my overestimation of the intellectual capabilities of the average person. I know realize that there are many 'simple' people out there who have trouble grasping concepts that I take for granted and who reply to others on POF using one or two word responses, as a result of their limited attention span.

-- You have been blocked by this user. Find someone else... --


Him: hello, my name is justin, hows it going? wanna chat and get to know eachother?

Her: No

Him: oh. why not?

Her: You look creepy


Him: Hi how are you doing?

Her: Fine

Him: thats good.. whats your fav tv shows?

Her: Ellen

Him: cool mine too lol

Her: Liar

Him: lol i did lie but i didnt tend to make it like i was lying

Her: I don't like liars.

Him: lol. me eeiher but i was just trying to be funny cause im not sure what guys likes ellen

Her: You were ready to, just to impress me

Him: i have to try somewhere cause my looks dont get me far jk lol

Her: That's for sure


Him: Hey, you seem like a sweet down to earth lady. Give me the chance to get to know you
and I am sure you appreciate my friendship. If your interested in making another
friend, iam here to listen.

Her: That's nice

Him: It is, isn't it? :) So iam pretty new to this website and
iam pretty outgoing at trying to find new friends on here.
I am not one to play games or string you along, my
intentions is to meet new people and see what they are
like. I have several good friends, guys and girls that i
hang with already and I would like to broaden that horizon.
If your interested I would love to offer you a chance to
come out for wings/hockey game or something along that line
or we can chat more. Up to you really.

Her: I hate hockey

Him: It was just a suggesting, it would help me if you would be
glad to share some of you enjoyments.
Wait, do you hate wings to?

Her: Depends

Him: Of course. Anyways it was nice talking to u.

Her: It was?

Him: Not really. I think you having enjoyment out of these two
word replies plus, its a little more annoying when you
declined to chat which continues these 2 word replies.
Anyways, if you don't have much more to say, I won't
continue to ask.

Her: Okay

Him: Okay then :) Nice talking with you.

Her: You just lied to me again. You're a jerk.

Him: Well it is true i wasn't enjoying the 1 word replies but
now iam actually enjoying this a little. How did i lie to
you the first time?

Her: You told me you enjoyed chatting with me, and you weren't.

Him: Well, the chatting is sorta interesting now. I still don't
understand you that much. I think you like to poke fun,
which is good, but not all the time.
Do you like chatting with me?

Her: I can't believe anything you say, so it's kinda pointless now.

Him: I am sorry to disappoint you then. On a side note, how was
your day?

Her: Fine

(one month later)

Him: I miss talking to you! How are you doing?

Her: Oh... you're that lying bastard. I'd forgotten about you.

Him: You hold me in such high esteem. I am amazed.

Her: You shouldn't be

Him: Your right i am not that amazed. Just curious how our
virtual relationship got so out of hand.
You interested and having a few margaritas at pony to
discuss it?

Her: No, you'll probably show up at Boston Pizza or some shit.


Him: Hhows it goin what types of wrkouts do you do

Her: I use punctuation and good spelling to make my sentences more attractive. You?

Him: Well, usually i use better grammar. Usually people say, why do u spell
the whole word when u are texting? Sorry for offendinding you, i
meant to be as attractive as i could.

Her: Did you sneeze when you typed "offendinding"?


Him: Hi how's your evening going?

Her: Fine

Him: lol you don't sound happy to be chatting with me

Her: Nope

Him: y?

Her: z

Him: wtf

Her: lol


Him: Your pretty

Her: You're not.

Him: Wow that's fucking rude

Her: No, it's fucking honest.


Him: Where do I sign up? :)

Her: For what?

Him: You asked where your Knight is, and I'm responding to the question.
Although, I should probably mention that I'm without a horse at the moment, but I'm pretty good without it. All the other prerequisites are met, shiny armor and all that.

Her: You're a pretty crappy knight if you don't have a horse. What do you use? A tricycle?

Him: I'm in an apartment and the landlord doesn't allow pets, and the neighbours would complain because the hay in front of my door. So I had to become a modern knight, but once a knight always a knight!
I must say that I don't appreciate the remark about a tricycle. As a matter of fact, it's been quite some time since I got used to my training wheels.
Him: And on the other hand, while you're questioning my knightly credibility, there are requirements that need to be met by you too. How do I know you are a Lady in need of a knight?

Her: Because there's too many shit heads on this site. I need you to go kill some of them.

Him: We'll I told you knights are rare, chivalry is almost dead.
And that's a little harsh, it can't be that bad, can it?
What happened?

Her: I swear every guy on here wanks to my picture, gets cream all over their keyboard, and they can't spell because the keys don't work anymore

Him: Gross.
Is it the one with hay?
Anyway, changing the subject...
My name's Ogi, what's yours?
And what would you like to do in health care? I am currently making my way into it, in university.

Her: Where the hell did you get that name?

Him: Where did I get it? Most likely in the hospital, when I was born. It's not my full name, just a short version.
Where did you get your name, and what is it?

Her: I got my name from my dead aunt who got murdered by being run over by a tractor.

Him: Who was behind the wheel

Her: My uncle Louis

Him: Like in the song: Louie, Louie...
So, how bored are you exactly?

Her: That wasn't very nice

Him: Really? What do you mean?

Her: It was an accident and comparing it to a dumb old song about a sailor is disrespectful

Him: Are you saying that it actually happened?

Her: No duhhh.


Him: hey beautiful hows it going

Her: Not too bad, ugly


Him: Hey there prettyanna23, Very beautiful picture. You're stunning!
I must say i'm pretty skeptical about this whole site :(
But I'm not really into the club scene, and i don't just go
hang out alone at places to meet people haha.

I'd like to find out a little bit about you.
What do you do for fun? Have you always lived in Winnipeg??
What's your favorite Movie? How has your summer been?? :)

I'm sure you have a lot of messages on this site to sift through,
but here goes my attempt at catching your attention :)

Allow me to introduce myself :)
I don't really want to write a
novel but here we go. My names Jerry
and I'm just looking to meet new fun
people to talk to, chill with and see how
things go. I'm a good old country boy that
now resides in the city .I love to play
guitar, write songs, and sing. I'm 6'4 athletic, brown
hair. I enjoy working out, outdoor activities,
movies, cuddling and music, not a bad dancer, but not spectacular. Maybe you could
show me lol. Id like to chat
more you if you'd like to chat. Hope to hear
from you :)

I'm just looking for a cool girl :) As mentioned
earlier, i'm really
not sure about this site for a lot of reasons.
I've read a lot of profiles but ive been signed up mostly for
humourous reasons, but i figured i'd message you.
Because I'm really out of the bar scene. It
sucks. I do go to bars once in a while if I
need to... This also makes it harder to find someone,
so why not try plenty of fish lol.
If i find something great, if not, maybe i'll
meet some cool new people to slam a few dozen beers with
when the occasion presents itself haha

I'm just looking for somebody to hang out
with, watch movies, workout with, go to
dinners, dancing and enjoy life. I hope I
hear from you! I think a cool first date
would be to grab a drink, maybe go
rollerblading, skating or bowling. Follow it
up with an evening stroll, then grab a bite
to eat, and go for a nice casual drive. All
geared towards allowing us to chat and get
to know each other. Although later on after
we know each other better a little cuddling
with a movie would be a nice change to
throw into the mix once in a while.

I guess i've said enough haha. I hope to hear from you :)
Are you on Facebook? I'm not on here very often

Oh and if you read this far congrats :p I'm also a singer

(youtube link to country music video)

Her: You expect me to read all that shit?

Him: Guess not

Her: lol

Him: :) night

Her: I watched some of your video. I forgot how much I hate country music.

Him: Well arent you happy lol

Her: That wasn't very happy music

Him: Nice meeting yah. Good luck fishing :)

Her: Sure


Him: whats up sexy

Her: Not much, creepy.


Him: I am ryan. How is pof?

Her: Shitty

Him: We can change that. I had a horrible expierence off here. Ur pretty btw

Her: You're not

Him: Lol ouch. I like it..

Her: That's good. You should stick your face in a blender and make it worse.

Him: I might. U will be an accomplice to suicide.

Her: Nope. Totally innocent.

Him: U think so. Try me. Tell me to do it again. Ur no prize.

Her: Got that right


Him: hi how r you

Her: Fine

Him: me to lol

Her: What's so funny?

Him: i dont no

Her: Then why were you lol?

Him: i ask you how r you you tolmi fean
Him: soory maerading eglish es so so you r beautiful

Her: Did you just slam your head on the keyboard?

Him: no i kaent raed eglish good

Her: Yeah right

Him: no iam from macedonia skoje iam ny her en canada 5
Him: ok her es me ceel nomber i spik eglish weth aksent 4xx5xxx
Him: so wae do you do foor fain

Her: Wait, what planet were you from again?

Him: macedonia lok en googel

Her: Okay. Will I get extraterrestrial charges if I call you?

Him: no i am en winnipeg i liv her 12044xx5xxx

Her: Can you tell me how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Him: yes you tost the bred an but peanut butter and jelly

Her: More detail please...

Him: i dont no how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Him: i no ho to mek Popcorn

Her: Okay, tell me how to do that.

Him: no wrile i wael lov tomet you ef es any chans

Her: Igu um mleh flik unga bunga jub milf sloth glunk to you too! :)

Him: i tol yuo i dont raed eglish good soory princess
Him: cool me plls

Her: LOL!

Him: plls

Her: Pills are good.

Him: no pills pless

Her: Why not?

Him: cool me
Him: waet es you r naim i am gani
Him: hi how r you doing

Her: Fine, and yes you are cool.

Him: how r you doing beautiful

Her: Fine

Him: me to iam good
Him: waet dit you do laest naht you go aut

Her: You're so cute with your sdfj eryertw cbnmghk asfdasj dfdfg

Him: i tol you maerading eglish es so so


Him: Hey how's it going

Her: Fine

Him: What are u looking for

Her: My ipod

Him: Lol


Him: hey how r u? i am adam nice 2 meet u id just like 2 hangout mayb watch a movie n
cuddles or just have coffee or sit listen 2 music n chat

Her: Could you re-write your sentence with a couple of 3's in it?

Him: y?

Her: z.


Him: hey there my name is david. how are ?. so what do u want in life?. what are you looking for from here?

Her: Did you think, proofread, and correct your spelling before you hit "Send Message"?

Him: lol sory was it looking lol.so what are you looking for from this site?.what do you want in life?.

Her: I'm looking for good spellers, but I'm failing miserably.

Him: wow that alitle judgmental? wy dont u look for someone who is sweet careing who has a good job who can stand on there own 2 feet. just bc someone is not a good spller wy judge them ?

Her: If I looked for that, I'd be fucking every guy on this site.

Him: that i dont understand about girl there very fast to judge.someone can do very good for them self and theyt well judge right away . wy is that pls tell me
Him: wy judge someone on ? im upset with this
Him: any way im over it . what else do you look for? what do you want from t6his site?

Her:I'd answer you if I could figure out what the hell you're writing. Could you use babelfish and translate that into French?

Him: what ever have fun

Her: I will

Him: im sure u well

Her: lol

Him: u thiink thats funny.

Her: Yup. Still waiting for you to talk to me in French.

Him: lol i dont no how .u talk to me in french?.

Her: You can barely speak English for chrissake. Your French HAS to be better.

Him: i can speack just ****ing fine.u dont no me you no nothing about me. just bc i have trouble spelling dose mean i cant speak english. pepel have trouble in thing im pertty sure u have trouble in doing some thing. ur not perfect
Him: ????????????? u pest me off i aready no what kind off girl u are and want no part of it so have fun

Her: LMAO!

Him: whats sooo funny?

Her: You're more emotional than an old woman going through menopause

Him: lol

Her: Do you get hot flashes?

Him: well u keep on meassge me? wy.if u want to get to n a nice guy who dose it judge. text me 6xx 8xxx

Her: You dose a what?

Him: what? doseit judge . there my nomber use it lol. im to tierd to meassge on here lol.

Her: Then go to bed lol

Him: i did lol i just woke up lol. are you going be nice now ?

Her: You said you were tired. Go back to bed.

Him: anser my ?. i am but i have to get up lol

Her: No you don't. Go back to bed.

Him: i cant i do have a life cant sleep all day lol. i dont live at home, momey and dady dont pay my shit.

Her: Probably because your shit stinks lol

Him: fuuny funny girl im dose talk to u. when u want to be nice meassge i dont del with girls who think there all when ur realy not

Her: Oh boo hoo. The tiny sweet girl blew down the big bad wolf, lol.

Him: not really im not a big bad wolf. i really nice guy. and thing igs girls cant handel that.

Her: Okay, you're a cute little bug that I squashed with my foot.

Him: ol ur funny u talk big lol. is this site a game for you? go read my profile then dont waste my time

Her: Okay, I looked at your profile. Judging from your pictures, you fucked a young chick, an older chick, an old man, Ian Rabb, Cookie Monster, a horse, and then procreated with a blonde bimbo.

Him: Really that girl is my momter and the other one is my cuz I'm all
about famliy I guise u no nothing about that ur just a dumb girl
Him: U wich I look like her when ur 50 stop meassge tell u grow up

Her: Your spelling gets worse when you're pissed off, LOL

Him: Ya it dose lol don't piss me off

Her: I'll bet you can't talk for shit either when you're mad. You probably just garble like a scratched CD.

Him: Lol no I don't . Well don't meassge unless u want to get to no me I don't have time for this

Her: You don't have time to learn how to spell either.