Saturday, April 5, 2014

Children's Albums That Suck

After a long hiatus, I'm back in the driver's seat, drunk and high on the scent of spring in the air! Who knew that mud and dog shit could fuck you up HARD?

Anyway, it's mating season which means everyone's gonna get pregnant. In keeping with this theme, I have a pile of Children's albums sitting and waiting to be tackled. Old children's albums are extremely amusing. It was such a different time, different values, and different ways to beat the shit out of your kids. Many children's songs of yester-decade would be deemed inappropriate for today's gun-toting, crack-smoking pre-teens. Let's take a look at some of the songs!

Doggie in the Window

According to the back of the record, "Happiness is a Happy Time Record." Happiness is also a 12 year old boy who discovers how damn good it feels to masturbate while wearing his sister's bra.

Let's see what kind of happy times this record contains......

Well.... There's a song about being gay with Punchy the Clown, so that's pretty fun. You get to fuck a homo and then he beats the shit out of you. Happy Time Records is certainly living up to it's name! However, I decided to choose the song Betsy Wetsy. Nothing wrong with listening to a song about a doll who pisses herself, right? RIGHT! So this one's for all the little girls who clean up their dolly's pee, and perhaps for all the moms who have to clean their little girl's pee as well. It's a pissin' good time!

Listen to Betsy Wetsy

Songs for Children

I absolutely love this album cover. In fact, I bought it for the cover in hopes of maybe making a new header for the blog. But that requires time and money. Okay, well maybe not money. Anyway, I guess it reminds me of myself when I was a kid, playing the shit out of records by Elvis and The Ventures.

My son has a CD of children's music, and it has this song on it. Well... let me correct myself here... he has a song called "Ten Little Bumble Bees". I guess the Indians drank themselves into extinction, so they needed a new icon for this song. I mean, you're not going to hear a song called "The Dodo Bird Dance", so I guess I'm wandering off and not really trying to make a point about anything in this paragraph anymore.

Well, I guess this song is better than "ten little niggers" which apparently exists according to Wikipedia. Something for me to watch out for while record shopping.

This album was made by our buddies at Arc Sound LTD. For some reason, they physically separated the tracks on the record after every second song, so it makes finding any of the songs nice and difficult. Way to fail again, Arc!

Listen to Ten Little Indians

Candy man

Even though you can color on the back of the record, I'm convinced that the people at Pickwick are the creators of children's nightmares. LOOK AT THE ALBUM COVER. That demonic son of a bitch is gonna creep the shit out of you for the rest of your life. On the plus side, you'll never want to eat candy again! I don't understand why it contains a piece of japanese candy, since there are absolutely NO japanese songs on this album. Well, maybe except "Gingerbread Man".

The cover songs here are typically awful. The world didn't need another shit-pounding cover of "Popcorn", and the world didn't need the original loaf-licking version of Candy Man. The cover here is just as bad. The version of Yummy Yummy Yummy on here is fucking devastating. The drummer is awful, and the people trying to sing falsetto sound like they're on the verge of laughing because they suck so bad at it.

Listen to Yummy Yummy Yummy

And that brings us to a conclusion of songs that make kids report record companies to Child and Family Services! Just remember, I may disappear for a while sometimes, but it's always temporary. Sorry. I'll bet you thought I was dead, didn't you?