Friday, December 23, 2022

Dashing Through The Trash

Jingle Bells, Nissan Sells
Kevin and Marg Harcourt!
Echoes of Glory, I'm so sorry,
And family time with Bort! 


Echoes of Glory - Joy To The World

Let's all gather around the Christmas tree and admire all the silver shit streams dangling down as we listen to one of the better acts to visit the Steinbach recording studio. Seriously, these songs aren't too awful, although there is still a ban on drums at the studio. It also appears that Silver Streams upgraded their recording equipment from a shoebox tape recorder to one of those Tascam 4 track recording thingies. Although the performances aren't a mess, the mix is kinda weird.

The song (or story) "The Cobbler's Dream" is kind of fucked up. The cobbler goes outside to gather green balls to decorate the Christmas tree. Green balls of what? Shit? He also feeds Jesus relish, because we all know our Lord and Savior loves relish.

Listen to Mary's Boy Child
Listen to The Cobbler's Dream

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - A Country Christmas

I touched on the fact that The Harcourts recorded a Christmas album here, but I finally found an actual copy of it. This is probably the rarest Harcourt album since I see every other fucking lousy cassette they've ever recorded all the time.

We can see on the cover that Kevin's creepy uncle is drunk by the fireplace again. Better not get too close there buddy, or your breath will set you ablaze! Kevin must have had a few as well since his guitar playing isn't too good on here.

Listen to Silent Night

Bert Wytinck, Family and Friends - Merry Christmas From Our Family To Yours

Bert returns to Classical Gas Emissions with a Christmas album! I covered one of his albums here. This time, he chose to make an unnecessarily long album (and band) title, just to give my hands a bit more carpel tunnel.

There are sixteen fucking songs on here, and they're all extremely stale performances of your favourite Christmas tunes. The entire album plays like it's on Benadryl. I'd advise that you take some yourself so you can sleep through this one.

Listen to Run Run Rudolph
Listen to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Listen to Baby, It's Cold Outside

The Nissan Night Before Christmas

What better way to wrap up this year's Christmas entry than with a double album containing a shameless automobile sales promotion! This thing was apparently sent to radio stations, but who knows if anybody even played this piece of shit.

You get a weird ass Christmas story narrated by some guy who's probably a car salesman. The villain in this story is some company called "Trans-Global Amalgamated". I wonder if this company had anything to do with that?

Ever hear the song "Don't Cry Joe"? How about the story of the Christmas spider featuring a cameo appearance by Jesus? Or how about the burning carving of baby Jesus that burned down a small town and killed a young boy? You get them all here! Great fucking album!

Listen to Don't Cry Joe

Listen to The Christmas Spider (featuring Jesus)
Listen to The Death of Juan
Download the whole mess!

After Christmas, we'll get back to posting Junq Tour reviews. There's a ton more to cover, so we'll see you soon!

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: Niverville

Niverville's thrift store has never appeared on the Junq Tour. It's a shame because their prices are generally fantastic, and their blog-worthy content is plentiful. So let's dive in!

In Love With The Flute

There is absolutely no artist listed anywhere in the inlay, so I cannot assume that the flute player is a human. All the credit goes to "Fastforward Music". There's a good reason they're called that which I'm sure you can figure out.

This album contains weather-channelled versions of all your favourites like "Wind Beneath My Wings". I have yet to meet a single person who hates that song. I'm sure you love it and I'm sure you think I love it too.

Listen to Groovy Kind of Love because Wind Beneath My Wings sucks

The Wood Knotts

I wood have expected this album to have a drummer on it since it's knott recorded at Silver Shit Streams. However, there is knott a drummer to be found. I also wood've preferred these guys to be proficient at their instruments, but they are knott.

Although the songs themselves are okay on this album, the squeaky violins make you long for the days when chalkboards still ruled the classrooms.

Listen to Waltzing Through The Leaves

Spokesmen - I Have Seen The Light

I cracked open the seal on this one to let all the nasty demons onto the internet. For a tape that was sealed, there's certainly a lot of dropouts on this recording. Perhaps the master tape at Ontrack Audio Recordings gets reused for every shitty artist after they do their run of 50 cassettes (that they only sell three of).

I am so desperately trying to resist peeling off the gold foil seal. What's under it? A smiley face? A picture of the yellow Teletubby? A vortex into a dimension where everything is just as awful as this album? That one scares me the most.

The songs themselves are corny and awful. The vocals are dry, loud and lousy. The beginnings and ends of songs are cut off. Obviously an extremely professional project done by masters of their field. Billie Eilish should hire them to work on her albums. I would send her the names of these professionals, but their names are strangely absent from the liner notes.

Listen to Walk Dem Golden Stairs

Richard S Unruh - Harmonicas Vol. 2

Volume 1 is here!

I have volume 3 but I haven't reviewed it yet.

Silver Shit Streams enjoys recording Richard S. Unruh because he always shows up without a drum set. Because harmonicas can easily grate on your nerves, the team of recording engineers at Silver Shit Streams drown the hell out of Richard's harmonica playing with reverb and echo. There is easily 30+ minutes of this racket for you to not enjoy. If you combine the other two volumes, there is easily 90+ minutes of this noise for you to not enjoy. You'd be better off listening to Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. At least that only lasted for one album.

Listen to I Saw One Hanging On a Tree

The Good Will Singers - Our Life is Like a Summer's Day

Either this album looked like a real treasure, or I was completely oblivious during the Junq Tour because I bought three fucking copies of it. At least now I have a couple of tapes to record someone more talented.

So, is your life like a summer's day? Well, you can compare anything to a summer's day. Candy is like a summer's day. So is beer. And vaginas. And maybe even dog shit. All of it works if you truly believe it.

This is a Silver Shit Streams special which means there are no drums on this recording. I'm guessing drums are the devil's instrument. Anyway, this album sounds like a cross between The Chipmunks and an old D*sney special. All the musicians on the album decided it was a good idea to include all of their phone numbers on the inlay, so if you find one of the voices talented enough, you can phone them and ask them to sing for you.

Listen to Our Life Is Like a Summer's Day

Circle of Friends - The World's Greatest Story

I have the world's greatest story for you... When I was rewinding this cassette, it broke at the splice which would have prevented any of you from hearing this garbage. Unfortunately, I am proficient in repairing cassettes.

As with any Silver Shit Streams release, drums are nowhere to be found. Another Silver Shit Streams trait is to have absolutely no talented people in the group. All of these voices sound awful together, and they also sound awful when singing solo. When you put two people together who sing flat, it sounds like they're going to break down crying and jump off a bridge at the end of the recording session. Hell, I was ready do jump off a bridge after transferring this tape.

Listen to On The Wings of a Dove

Listen to The Darkest Hour

Listen to He Didn't Stop at Calvary

Listen to The Lord Is My Shephard

Jerry Krabbenhoft and the Valley Playboys

I have no clue if this CD originally came with a cover, or if Jerry just burned this and tossed it in a slimmy to give out at the bar. Speaking of the bar, the CD features of picture of Jerry getting drunk before his recording session. If I'm honest, the first track is actually somewhat enjoyable. Unfortunately, that's the only one.

The rest of the album is destroyed by bad effects, bad covers, bad everything. You're best bet is to join Jerry for five beers on the first track and then you won't give a shit how bad the rest of the album is. You're better off using the CD as your beer coaster.

Listen to Silver Wings

Listen to Ring of Fire

Listen to Ways of a Woman In Love

The Penners Jedichta - Wo Steit Daut Met Dee Kjoakje?

Let's take a break from bad singing and listen to someone read German Poetry over cheap Casio music. Silver Streams apparently doesn't allow synthesized drums either.

Listen to Jesus Kaum Spiziare

Bert & Liz - Railway To Heaven

Bert & Liz made one appearance here in 2012.

Surprisingly, I have never seen another album by them until this year's Junq Tour. In fact, they are the stars of the Junq Tour this year. I picked up multiple albums by them, and they're absolutely fucking terrible.

First of all, look at the album cover. Bert & Liz are in black and white, and they've been badly photoshopped to make it look like they're standing on a lake full of orange juice. Let it be known that Bert & Liz are the second and third persons in history who have the ability to walk on water.

On the inlay, we get to see a picture of Bert & Liz with their two children. I'm always surprised at how many people put family pictures inside their album liner notes. For two songs, Bert & Liz give us a break from their terrible vocals and let one of their kids sing. Unfortunately, he's terrible as well.

Every song on here is awful. Railway to Heaven has the worst ending I've ever heard on a song, nobody can play in time, they used a Yamaha instead of a Casio, and somebody's cassette deck hated this album so much that it chewed it up. In fact, I'll probably have a shot at chewing on it myself after this entry is posted.

Listen to Life's Railway to Heaven

Listen to I'll Fly Away

Download the whole thing!

We'll be moving onto St. Anne next, but perhaps we'll do something a bit Christmassy so you won't feel like Santa left you out.