Monday, November 26, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Austin

I had never visited the thrift store in Austin, and they were obviously waiting for my arrival to rescue them from the shitty music that's likely been rotting there for years. Prepare yourself...

The Musical Warriors - Movin' On

These guys look like they're ready to go all gangsta on your shit! They've got ties, and they're not afraid to .... look presentable.  One has a mullet, and he's not afraid to... listen to Amy Grant. And their music sounds exactly the way they look... Boring and untalented, with a lack of production values. It's almost like barber shop, but they shaved a little off the top of their talent. Lyrically, it's corny Christian music.

Listen to Musical Warriors

Smash Hits Cash Style

I can picture Mr. Bored Johnny Cash impersonator sitting in a chair in the studio, head perched upon his fist, microphone positioned in front of him, uninterestingly reading the lyrics off the sheet in front of him.

The performances on this Johnny Cash tribute album are uninspired, but what the fuck did you expect from the Arc record label? People who love their job? People who get paid for their performances? People with talent? I think not.

Remember how much feeling Johnny Cash poured into I Walk The Line? Well, replace that feeling with a desire to go horseback riding. And Folsom Prison Blues? It's happy as Pharrell Williams after three caps of ecstasy.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Download the whole piece of shit

Hank James Chevillard - The Truth

At first, it sounds okay and then it hits you... Holy shit this guy is a lousy singer. This is one of those albums who's songs are each terrible in their own unique way. The writing is bad, the mix is bad, the playing is bad, and the singer is bad. Each song comes across as a crippled country song that's ready to lose it's balance and fall on it's face.

What on earth possessed this guy to record this thing? I could think of better uses for the recording tape that was used to make this, like flossing shit from my ass crack.

Thanks for the headache, Hanky. Keep running free as a pony, away from the recording studio.

Listen to Goodbye
Listen to Run Free

Only three albums, but they're all equally shitty. Our next stop is Neepawa, and if you've been reading this blog for a few years, you'll know that the pile from Neepawa is going to be huge.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Somerset

The Somerset thrift store was pretty bare when it came to interesting albums that I wanted to hate. I had a couple other qualifiers, but they turned out to be plain mediocre, so I threw them in the trash. Here's what we have left...

Country Pride Band

You'll never run out of twonky goodness when you get an album like this! It's exactly what it says on the cover, nothing more. The guy on the accordian obviously takes his job far too seriously. If Weird Al took his job seriously, he'd be an unemployed (and dead) vegetarian.

The production is very nice and the performances for the most part are very average.

Listen to Your Cheatin' Heart

Heiner's Country Classics II - Memories of an old Cowboy

Old men make the best terrible albums! Perhaps they lose their talent when their pecker refuses to stand up straight anymore. They have nothing to be proud of, so they try and make an album to redeem themselves and get groupies. Trust me, this piece of shit isn't going to attract any groupies...

I can't exactly pick out this guy's accent. Perhaps he's from Jupiter or maybe he's just really drunk. The songs here are pretty lousy, and he should consider smoking banana peels before he decides to venture in to the reggae genre ever again.

As for the album cover, it appears the band's official name is "Heiner's Country Classics II". I can only guess that they put a "II" in their name because there was another band called "Heiner's Country Classics".

Listen to Citygirl
Listen to Everybody Got Something

Well that was short! Trust me, there are more meatier entries coming your way, but first we need to take a visit to Austin.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Plum Coulee

Long time no see! Well, if you follow the blog on Facebook, you've probably already seen the Junq Tour video. If not, then you're missing out. That one took time to edit, and my summer's been busier than I'd want it to be, so that's why I've been absent. Also, the shit continues to pop up in my life. The easiest way to get more entries posted is to quit my job and just steal the things I want to write about, but that's probably a bad idea.

Anyway, I'm back with the deep-rooted cavity search of all the crappy albums I acquired during this year's Junq Tour. I'm quite sure there was more this year than last year, and it's taken quite a bit of time to get everything digitized and uploaded. speaking of which, I've started doing portable blogging at the Folio Cafe in Winnipeg! Lots of room, snacks, and plenty of outlets to plug in my laptop & 8-track player.

Anyway, let's get to our first stop in Plum Coulee...

Sharon & Rob Wedding CD

There's nothing quite like the joy and happiness of re-living someone else's wedding day with their home-made compilation CD. How the hell does things like this get donated to the thrift store????

...oh yeah... Divorce. That's what happens when you get married on Friday the 13th.

Encyclopaedia Britannica - Like You, Like Me

This is a collection of filmstrips and cassettes that were used in elementary schools in the 1970s and 1980s. All the cassettes were sealed which means none of this stuff saw the light of day. The one that I chose to put up on youtube had a cassette that sounded like it was badly eaten at one end, so I don't know what happened there. Maybe someone at Encyclopaedia Britannica felt the need to chew on some ferric oxide.

Speaking of Encyclopaedia Britannica, do they even exist anymore? Wikipedia and Google must have put them out of business by now, haven't they?

Anyway, scanning this filmstrip was a real nightmare. If the scanning light is hitting the film at the wrong angle, it looks like shit. On the plus side, I ended up buying four filmstrip machines for dirt cheap off Ebay to make future endeavors in filmstrip-land a little easier on my end. Anyway, if you haven't seen the Junq Tour video, I glued this filmstrip into it. I didn't feel that it warranted it's own video, but perhaps I'll put the others up in the future.

Ron & Kay Rivoli - Rivolivin': The Rivoli Revue

Hey everybody! Let's take our guitar into the boat and sing songs that will scare the fish away! I thought for sure this one was going to be a huge steaming pile of rural Canada cow shit. Surprisingly, it's not all that bad. It's country music, but it's performed, mixed, and produced really well. The cover and the name is bloody stupid though.

Listen to I'd Be Someone Too

Gospel Echoes Harvest Team - You're The Apple of His Eye

Look at the fuzzy hair on the dad. You could wash ALL the walls in the church with that! All I gotta say is I love Gospel Echoes' thrift stores, but I hate this album. Terrible gospel music that I could care less about.

Listen to Tell Me

Pierce Arrow Theater - Sold Out

I swear that Branson Missouri is the shit music capital of the USA. These are some country guys who apparently put on some kind of a live show, and this is the soundtrack. The band is comparable to a corn-chunkie-speckled turd, but how could you expecting anything different? This is Branson's hottest steaming pile! And why the hell is every member wearing a racing jacket? They should stick to racing cars instead of performing this garbage.

Anyway, their Elvis medley is awful. Awful, awful, awful. There's some guy with a low voice on here who sings so low that I'm pretty sure he's just farting out the words. I'm surprised Elvis hasn't come out of hiding to put an end to all of the shitty cover versions of his songs.

Listen to Elvis Medley

Matt & Robyn Rolf

I can't tell if these two kids autographed the album or someone just scribbled some random shit on the cover. Anyway, this one include the hits such as "I'm Little But I'm Loud", "Waterloo", "Hey Good Lookin'", and lots of other songs that I don't care exist.

The boy is fucking awful. He's trying to sound like John Wayne or some shit, and he doesn't hit the notes very well. The girl is a much better singer, but for the most part she's been delegated to backup vocals. I'm only guessing that the boy wanted to record this piece of crap and the parents threw the girl in there because she threw a hissy fit, but she would have been a better lead on this recording.

Listen to Hey Good Lookin'
Download the entire album!

Plum Coulee has a pretty damn good thrift store if I do say so myself! Somerset will be coming your way, hopefully tomorrow (unless I'm lying).