Monday, November 28, 2011

Macarena Christmas Album

Macarena ANYTHING is awful.

The Macarena came out when I was in high school. It was played about five times during every high school dance and five billion times everywhere else. For the entire year, the Macarena ruled the airwaves. Eventually, this bad fart of a song dissipated. The plug was pulled faster than Milli Vanilli's grammy was reclaimed.

Everyone tried to cash in on this fucking song. It seems that nobody held the copyright to it, so Macarena everyfuckingthing flooded the store shelves. Mass production went into releasing instruction videos, more instruction videos, and a few other instruction videos. Also on the shelves were non-stop Macarena dance CDs. Seventy-two minutes of non-stop Macarena! At Christmas time (although I can't verify it) we had animatronic Macarena Santa Claus. And then there was this piece of shit album buried in the pile somewhere.

I'm surprised I found a copy of this. I didn't think ANYBODY would be stupid enough to buy something this dumb. This is the WORST Christmas album I own. Even Khool Yule is better than this. There's four songs on it:

1) Macarena Christmas (16:37)
2) Macarena Christmas Instrumental (16:38)
3) Reggae Christmas (14:36)
4) Macarena Christmas Radio Version (4:26)

The only reason "Macarena Christmas Instrumental" exists is for filler. You can't sell a $12 compact disc with just one 16 minute track, so you fill over half the CD with the same piece of garbage repeated twice, except the second time is even more boring than the first.

And who the hell is Los Navedinos? Probably just some fucking cheap-imitation Puertoricans who wanted to cash in with their non-existent nationality and a shitty song.

Since it's Christmas and I don't hate you enough to post the 16 minute version, I'm posting the radio version. The funny thing about the radio version is that NO RADIO STATION ON EARTH was going to play Macarena Christmas done by a couple of shithead imitation puertoricans who happen to be friends of some loser studio musicians.

blung diddy blung diddy blung Macarena
Pleb pleb pleb plab glung glung flabakina
blung dit pla plung gling gling Macarena
HEY Downaloada!!!

At a reader's request, here is the 16 minute version. I guess I hate you after all.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Terry's Public Access Performance

Earlier this year, I happily unearthed another shitty singer from the same TV show that Henrietta and Merna appeared on. Who knows, this might be Merna's dad! He's got a really bad comb-over and judging from the expression on his face, he's constipated.

This aired probably a year after Henrietta and Merna sang their hit "Go Tell It On The Mountain". Not only that, this aired just after the assholes at Shaw Communications took over Winnipeg's two little cable companies, and put an end to quality programing like this on the public access channel. Now we get nothing but boring college basketball and other crap that has absolutely no imagination nor creativity, which is one of the largest reasons I've never signed up with Shaw for their lousy cable TV service.

But, let's forget about those assholes for a while and enjoy one of Winnipeg's final public access moments, at least until the videotape glitch puts an end to Terry's singing career.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Steinbach

Steinbach is a pretty big town full of Mennonites. Understandably, the thrift store was LOADED with Christian stuff. I really didn't need to be walking out with an armful of crap that wasn't worthy of being posted, so I had to choose my items wisely. Choosing bad Christian items wisely isn't easy because pretty much everything looked terrible. Therefore, I had to choose items that were excessively terrible. Here's what I got:

Video: The Public Life of Sissy Pike

I don't know what I was expecting with this video. Her name should be "Sissy Puke" because I was doing plenty of that after I finished watching this tape. The text "Do not induce vomiting" should have been splashed on the back of the box instead of "A look into the drama of a teen girl's life!" I was hoping she would become a crack dealer or get anal fucked by the pastor or something (ANYTHING) remotely interesting. The truth is, there's no real plot and the entire video consists of petty, pointless bickering amongst teenage girls. Well, except for Miss Puke here. She's a good little pastor's daughter.

There were two boys she could have fucked in this video. The first was a boy who kept coming to the door for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Early in the video, it's made understood that he has a boner for Sissy and is going to be a major player in the drama. He only appears briefly two more times after his initial appearance which made me wonder what the goddam point was for his existence.

The second boy was this kid in her youth group. He hid his bulging penis quite well throughout this movie, and then completely dropped off the radar. There was a lot of off-screen premature ejaculation to be had while this thing was filmed, and it would have made better content than the corny piss-fest that dominated the duration of this shitty VHS tape.

I've forever lost this hour out of my life, and now YOU have to hear me bitch and whine about it because I bought this shit to entertain YOU. I work so bloody hard, screening this crap for YOUR enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm getting older and that flat spot on my forehead is getting flatter from banging it against my coffee table, watching these retarded Christian videos. I blame Jesus for this lost time. If he didn't influence the assholes who made this video, I'd be reviewing something cool.

All The Kids: Stories for All The Family

Moving on, I can cheerfully say that this is a great record! It has three stories on it, each meant to teach children valuable life lessons. Here's the quote from the back of the record:

"All the Kids" is a family album designed for enjoyment by all the kids and their moms and dad, too. Professional performers dramatize the action, and each story draws from the problems and adventures of boys and girls in real life. This true-to-life action, together with imaginative sound effects and music, is a combination sure to keep even the liveliest youngsters close to the record player for many hours of happy listening.

Considering that the album isn't even an hour long, I'm guessing the guy who wrote that had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. The voice acting is atrocious, the dramatic 1950s music induces black & while hallucinations, and the stories are laughably retarded. The sound effect used for footsteps is identical to the noise of banging a rock on the kitchen table. Here's a brief summary of what we've got here:

1) Inasmuch
This is a story about a dead mom who's husband becomes a drunk, starves his children, and the happy ending has the children going to live with their estranged aunt while their father is left to rot in the gutter. (clip here)

2) Prayer-Planks
I have no clue what this is about because I was too busy laughing at the terrible British and Japanese accents. (clip here)

3) Teenage Dupe
Much to this emotionally tormented mother's grief, her 20 year old son gets thrown into jail for ripping off his employer. (clip here)

If your idea of fun is giving your kids nightmares, I've taken the liberty of digitizing the whole thing. Please use the comments section to tell me how this record has made them victims of their bad dreams.

Download the entire thing here!

Ashtray Lamp

This is extremely cool! I paid a whole $4 for this item. After a bit of research, I found out that it was manufactured by Beauceware sometime around 1963.

The ashtray part has two extra compartments: one for your cigarettes, and one for your beer.

And here it is, happily lighting up a room.

Now, I'm off to learn how to smoke. Hey, I gotta take it for a test drive!

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Own Tunes

The stupidity is endless when I'm out garage sale shopping. Look at what I bought during the Summer:

17 cassettes that have essentially the same song on each of them with only the name changed on each. I ended up with two copies of "Sean". There's more in the series, and unfortunately the one with my name isn't in this batch. These were made by a company called "Kidselebration" and I remember seeing them sold in novelty shops back in the 90s.

I love the packaging. It boasts that there's 28 minutes of songs, but half of that is repeated because both sides are the same. That's like selling a CD boasting "68 Minutes of Iron Butterfly" with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida repeated four times. Not only that, you get to hear your name 23 times. Now, is that 23 times during the entire 28 minutes, or 23 times non-repeated? It must be non-repeated because side one would then consist of saying your name 11 1/2 times. It might be difficult to do that with the name "Brett".

I suppose I could come out with a crappy song tape that says your name 26 times, then I could brag, "Hear your name three more times than the other leading brand!" I'd probably have to use different names like "Dweezil" and "Terri-Lynn" to avoid a lawsuit from Kidselebration.

For you idiots who happened to name your daughter Trevor, you're in luck because as the back of the box says, "the songs do not refer specifically to boys or girls, so names can work for either." On top of that, the "names are not spelled in the songs" so if you're like me and your parents fucked up the spelling of your name (I'm looking at you Reychalle) then you won't be crying because the stupid tape only spells your name wrong on the label.

The price tag on the back of these is marked at $8.99 each. I didn't even pay that much for the whole shot! Personally, I think $8.99 for 28 minutes of songs which is actually 14 minutes of songs is a rip-off.

The songs are awful, but I think that's expected when you look at the age range on the package and consider the name and gender neutrality that comes with it. Anyway, here's the first song on the Rachel tape. I personally don't have the tolerance (nor the time) to post the other crappy songs.

Listen to You'll Go Far (With Lots of Heart) ... The Rachel version

Update (Jan 8, 2012): Due to the large demand, I've turned all the cassettes into MP3s. They are available in the download section. If I find more of them out in the wild, I'll make them available. Feel free to post the direct links on Facebook! :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Brandon

Brandon is the wheat-picking capital of the world. It is also home to Brandon University where you can get educated and certified as a qualified wheat-picker. Brandon's thrift stores are always a hit or miss. This round was mostly a miss, but I did find a couple of things that weren't worth buying, but like the stupid dumbass that I am, I bought them anyway.

Kathy Bender - Can't You See God's Fingerprints?

After her previous album entitled "Can't You Smell God's Farts" was a total flop, Kathy ventured into a cave, recorded this album, and killed Goliath by boring him to death with this lousy music. There's nothing worth hearing on this album, so let's move on.

The Chuck Fulmore Trio - Happy!

There are a couple of typos on this album cover. It should be called "Crappy! The Fuck Chulmore Threesome" It's a dreadfully shitty Christian album with a ridiculous cover. I guess the Lord doesn't give Chuck a dental plan because those teeth are on par with my rotting leftover Halloween pumpkin. The younger woman is trying to camouflage in the field with her floral dress, and the old lady looks like a man with a bad wig. I'm really tired of buying boring Christian albums and reaping nothing for supporting the Lord's music. He could at least make these guys funny. Yet again, nothing good to be found here.

Hits a Go Go

Ah! We always get something good off an album from the Arc label. What surprised me about this one is they mentioned the artists who are performing on this poopy platter. We've got hit-makers such as Sam the Ham, Buddy, Buddy & Me, Jo Jo, Jay & The Juniors, and a bunch of other cream-chuggers. The quote on the back of the album says:

Hey Guys and Gals, - Let's have a go go party. Here are all the latest hits, in the original rendition, performed by some of America's greatest Nite-Club entertainers. They're great, and you'll love them. The beat is there and the original hit sound. All we need is you and some friends for a swingin' party. So grab this one and let's "move it".

Personally, if I want a "swingin' party", I'll listen to the song by The Replacements. If I wanted to "move it", I'll listen to the song by Great White. And no Arc, I don't love these shitty performers. They suck. Check out the harmonies on this atrocious recording:

Listen to "Catch Us If You Can"

Black's Photography DVD

I'd never seen one of these before. There were two of them at the thrift store, and at two bucks a pop, I wasn't going to risk buying two pieces of shit I didn't want. Turns out, this was probably the best find and I'm regretting not picking up the other one. This DVD contains someone's 8mm home movies made during the 1960s.

The following video is a collection of kids opening Christmas toys. I was able to pinpoint the second segment of the video being Christmas 1965 by identifying the Tonka Toy that the boy opens. The audio track is taken from "Christmas with The Chippers" which was released on our beloved (and ever-so-shitty) Arc label in 1963, giving this video some authentic for-the-time audio. This new soundtrack makes the film much more enjoyable (the old soundtrack was blank), and it includes The Chippers' atrocious and horribly abrasive version of "Jingle Bells"

With Christmas coming up, this video is sure to warm the hearts of all you old crunch-bags who remember 1965.

Just as a side note, I'm backed up quite badly with my Junq Tour entries and I haven't been in "writing mode" as of late. Therefore, I need to light a fire under my ass and hope I don't fart while getting the rest of my magnificent findings up for you to enjoy.