Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Artist Review: K2 Groove

I decided it would be fun to review a few of the stupid workout albums that I've picked up, so I dug in my queue box and pulled out three of them (one being a double album). I quickly realized that all these were done by the band "K2 Groove". Since these guys are the masters of workout music, I have to wonder if they're all thin and buff. Anyway, if you came here to lose weight, I'm gonna make you sweat your balls off with the Classical Gas Emissions intense workout blog entry! Remember to consult your doctor before reading this blog entry... or any of my other blog entries. I seem to attract the real nut bars by writing these things. Anyway, Let's get to the albums...

Cardio Workout: High Energy Music for Aerobics

The "Reflections" record label is proud to present this collection of "Energy Boost Fitness Music"! The woman on the cover is carrying a cassette walkman. I had much difficulty trying to fit this CD into my walkman, so I came to the conclusion that my walkman was faulty and threw it away.

I love how they cram the 8 minute "American Pie" into 3:12 (It's probably the Madonna version, but fuck Madonna for trying to cover that one). However, I must say that their cover of Cher's "Believe" is better because it doesn't have all that auto tune bullshit in it. Even though these are "energized" remakes, the song choices were actually very suitable for "energizing". The performances from Kathy Stradas and Katherine Filippeos (who make up K2 Groove) are decent. Although there's no copyright year on this thing, it sounds like it came out around the year 2000.

According to the CDDB (yes, someone bothered to put it in there), this is the second volume of a 2-disc set. Perhaps it was packaged with another K2 Groove album at one point.

This album was apparently endorsed by Debra Basch. She reportedly suffered a major concussion weeks before from dropping two dumbbells on her head.

Anyway, enjoy the non-Auto-Tuned version of Cher's "Believe". It will give you a good reason to throw away the Cher version.

Listen to Believe!

Cardio Mix 80s

After the huge success of "Cardio Workout", K2 Groove told the Reflections record label to go fuck themselves and moved over to the Somerset label. I've never heard of the "Somerset" record label, but they must have enjoyed pouring all their money into the foil-covered CD case with the emossed exercise bike on the cover. Before we get started, here's some excercise tips courtesy of Somerset:

You get your favourite hits of the 1980s except for "Come Undone" by Duran Duran which originally came out in 1993. But who's going to criticize "Reflections" for fucking that one up? For those who were expecting these songs to sound identical to the original artists, you're going to scream like a little girl who saw her dad's penis for the first time because you're getting energized versions of these songs again! Time to pump your pelvis and get your flab in motion!

The singing talent is decent here yet again, but they could have chosen better songs to energize as opposed to ballads such as Cinderella's "Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone), Spandau Ballet's "True", and Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn".

Listen to True!

Fitness Mix: Pumped Up Disco Grooves

K2 Groove stayed with the Somerset label and put out this two disc piece of cow shit. This is for those of you who need a LONG-ASS workout. This is the worst of the lot. All your favourite disco tunes such as "Funkytown", "Macarthur Park" and "Love Will Keep Us Together" are ruined, and you'll cry from the pain in your ears before you cry from the pain in your freshly worked-out thighs.

Both of these discs apparently have 24 bit mastering, so you get these shitty renditions in crystal clear quality!

Born To Be Alive (originally by Patrick Hernandez) has it's magnificently improvised singing and wrong lyrics. It also lacks the dude with the really cool low voice which is a cause for musical suicide.

The song "Good Times" (originally by Chic) has been butchered beyond recognition. The thing that makes the original song magnificent is the cool bass line that was sampled in "Rapper's Delight" and about 130 other songs. However, they attempt to redeem themselves by playing the bass line on some fucking Casio piece of shit. This totally ruined my work out and sent me off to the kitchen for the kettle-cooked potato chips.

Listen to Born To Be Alive!
Listen to Good Times!

So, did you have a good workout? Great! Now wipe the sweat off your balls and send $29.95 for your free tote bag to carry all your stinky workout clothes! Quantities dependent on when I shop at Walmart and get a plastic bag to carry the stuff I bought.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Best of the Worst Muppet Impersonators

You know you've reached the lowest point in your musical career when you're impersonating a Muppet chicken singing "Baby Face". Yes, it's on this album along with a bunch of other horrible Muppet violations. Kermit sounds like he's had a few penises shoved into his hand-hole, and Fozzie is at high risk for getting throat cancer from all the cigarettes he's been smoking.

As a foolish child, I bought this cassette thinking it was the real Muppet songs. Little did I know, Madacy Inc. was just robbing me of the money I begged my dad for to buy this piece of shit. I should have known better judging from the artwork. Fozzie looks like a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome. Kermit has a scar from the re-constructive surgery done on his face. Miss Piggy looks okay though.

When I brought this tape home and played it, I knew something was wrong with it from the sound quality of the first track (Mah-Na Mah-Na) and it became more apparent on the second track (Ten Cookies). Cookie monster sounded like he had been drinking with my dad.

After doing some internet research, I discovered this album is actually a compilation of two other albums: Animal House Sings and Plays Hits from The Muppet Movie and Sesame Street and Irwin Sings Sesame Street Hits. Both of these albums were originally done by Peter Pan records. I have a downloaded copy of the Animal House album sitting on my hard drive. The thing that makes this particular cassette unique is the fact that all the applause on the Animal House album is NOT included on these recordings.

As for Madacy Inc, I fucking hate them at the best of times because their compilations generally suck Muppet balls. Besides the atrocious tinny and distorted sound quality, there is some very noticeable crosstalk from the opposite side of the cassette. This is usually a problem I only hear on 8-track tapes. The crosstalk is likely an indicator that Madacy's cassette duplication machine had very badly worn out heads, probably resulting from the cheap and abrasive tape stock they used. You know what 1-ply toilet paper feels like on your ass? That's exactly how my tape deck felt while playing this tape.

What puzzles me is that Madacy thought it was a good idea to release these shitty disco renditions in the mid-80s when disco was that woman you were ashamed to wake up next to after a hard night of drinking. They're really awful not just because they're disco songs, but because you have someone impersonating the woman you woke up next to!

Here's a few selected songs along with the album download. Mah-Na Mah-Na has been extended to four fucking minutes of laughable horribleness.

Years ago (on this blog) I matched up this crappy version of "Movin' Right Along" with the original video and created hilarious greatness, but Youtube mangled it and when I went to restore it, I realized that I accidentally deleted it off my hard drive. The world shall never recover from this loss. Regardless, I'm letting you have the song for your sick enjoyment because you're all a bunch of nostalgic bastards.

Listen to Mah-Na Mah-Na
Listen to Movin' Right Along

Download the whole thing!