Thursday, June 23, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Ashern

I passed through Ashern during my last trip up North. Most of what I found was useful stuff, but I did come back with a couple of oddball items...

Tupperkids - Animal Sing-A-Long Songs

Tupperware really enjoys marketing themselves by stamping their name into titles, no matter how stupid or retarded it sounds. This time, we have the Tupperkids. If someone called me a "Tupperkid" as a child, I would have cried and jumped off the play structure to end my horrible life.

The term "Tupperkids" essentially translates into "plastic storage children". The last time I checked, storing things in children is rather difficult since they end up peeing, pooping, or barfing it back out. You're better off storing your product into "Tupperseniors" since they have a special protective seal known as "Depends".

Anyway, I picked up this tape for the song "I Love Little Pussy". I thought it would be endearing to hear a little boy sing this. Unfortunately, it's an adult female singing it, and this version of the song isn't solely about loving pussy. Very disappointing.

However, the song "Tupper Tunes" is quite tupperfucking awful. Again, it's horrible product placement, and the lyrics really suck.

Listen to Tupper Tunes!
Download the entire album!

The Call of God

This video looks quite boring from the front side. At first, I thought it was just another lame-ass Christian video. The description on the back is what sold me. In big, bold, red letters, I saw the term "Rappin for Jesus". HELL YEAH! Nothing is cooler than Rappin' for Jesus! Well, Rappin' for Satan may have an edge on this. I also can't help but wonder if Rappin' for Tupperware exists somewhere out there.

More about the video... Stephen Wiley is very much like M.C. Hammer, except Hammer has those baggy pants, catchy songs, and SOUL. A Christian rapper without soul is like a boy without a penis. It's sad, depressing, and people make fun of him.

So let's enjoy some penis-less rap music. If I were Jesus, I'd be embarrassed by this.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hats Off to Mel Bruce

Just found out that my long-time neighbor and barber Mel Bruce has passed away. He lived 3 or 4 houses down from me when I was a kid, gave me many haircuts after his retirement, and had a fantastic sense of humor. I picked up his album "For Old Tyme Sake" a couple months ago in a Thrift store. After I told my dad I had found it, he called Mel up and asked him how much money he made from it. Mel told him "I think I actually LOST money on that!"

The guy always amazed me. He was in his early 70s back in the 1990s, and always had a lot of energy. I believe he had a quadruple by-pass operation, but that never slowed him down. He and my dad actually started a bit of a side-business building utility trailers after Mel's was stolen.

It's unfortunate that I never got to see him in more recent years. After his first wife died, he moved, re-married, and I lost touch with him.

As a tribute, I'm providing one of my favorite tracks from his CD as well as a full download link. The album is full of polkas and waltzes, and my readers know that's right up my alley. It's very well-recorded and for a bunch of old dudes, they were a pretty tight band.

Rest in peace, Mel.

Listen to Donny's Polka

Download the full album

Mel's Obituary

Monday, June 20, 2011

Found: Unusual Photo Album

While I was at a church garage sale last weekend, I came across a pile of books. Included in the pile was a photo album. Now, every time I see a photo album at a thrift store or yard sale, I check to see if anyone has left their photos inside.

A-ha! But wait... At my first glance, I noticed there was something VERY unusual about these photos. I quickly closed it, and after browsing some other items, I took it to the counter so I could purchase it. The lady at the counter didn't see a price on the album, so she started opening the cover, trying to find a price. I was thinking "PLEASE don't see the pictures!!!" If she would have found them and removed them, this would be a no-sale.

After finding nothing, she quoted me a price of two dollars. I gave my uninterested 'yucky price' face, and she said "okay, how about a dollar?" Happily, I gave her one dollar for the photo album.

After getting into the truck, I examined the photos. Here's what I got...

Judging from the two pictures that were taken from the deck of a boat, it appears that this was some sort of gay cruise. Not something you expect to find at a church garage sale.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Neepawa

Welcome to my 200 post special! Seems like just yesterday when I was at 12 posts.

So I ended up passing through Neepawa yet again. It was mostly to pick up some awesome pie from Wilson's Place, but I always make time to check out the two junk stores there. There was absolutely nothing at the Book & Tape shop this round, but the thrift store had a couple of items. Not a lot, but it gave me a couple of gems. And when I say gems, I mean polished turds.

Raffi - Adult Entertainment

This is Raffi's official entry into the adult stag album industry. On this album, we hear Raffi shouting "Oh FUCK! Give it to me Sherri Lewis!" as he plays with his warm bananaphone, and shakes his sillies out.

...if only this album was that entertaining. Instead of hearing Raffi slap around his baby beluga, we hear a bunch of shitty adult-contemporary pop music. The album is awful, and we should all be thankful that Raffi decided to make children's albums, because he's much, much better at doing that. The album came out in 1977 and was a huge flop. Regardless, I feel compelled to put up a track since this album is very much out-of-print, and somewhat difficult to find.

Listen to 'Starvin Marvin' (yes, I'm fucking serious!!!!)
Download The Album Here

Dana Jefferson - Take Me Home

I was amazed when I put on this CD and heard this masculine he-bitch singing. Then I realized that Dana is actually a guy. Seriously? His parents are assholes. That's like me naming my son Miranda!

The only mildly amusing track on this album is "Take Me Home" where two male vocalists (who've obviously had too much to drink) try to sing a passionate religious ditty. They should've recorded the entire album drunk. It would be much more amusing than this silver platter of shit that has wiped itself all over the guts of my CD-ROM drive. I won't bore you with any of these tracks, because I assume you hate country music as much as I do.

Father F.X. O'Reilly School - On Our Way

The first thing I noticed about this CD after I unwrapped it from it's still-sealed cellophane is that the CD manufacturer had hired a bunch of kids to color on the CD. I'm quite tempted to take this disc and hang it on the refrigerator.

After pressing play...... DEAR FUCKING GOD. We have an overabundance of tone-deaf children singing out of time, with one lowly adult trying so be heard among this choir of children from hell. The kids run this album, and it's more difficult to tolerate than the screeching brakes on my work van. On the plus side, the album's easy to throw away. I kinda need the brakes, as screechy as they may be.

So what atrocious track have I chosen off this piece of junk? A song that very poorly (and hilariously) parodies the Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing". Unfortunately, the word "Faggot" doesn't appear even once in this song, which is an absolute shame because this garbage isn't even radio-friendly to begin with.

Listen to "Here Comes My Stomach Pains"

Now that I've posted this song, some asshole reader with indigestion will get offended and try to get my blog removed from the internet. Fuck you, you faggy faggish faggot!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Dauphin

This is going to be a big one, so hold onto your chair...

Last time I zipped through Dauphin, I was saddened when I walked into the only Thrift Store that I knew of. It was basically an old woman's clothing closet in a dank basement. Absolutely nothing for me.

This time around, I learned that there were three others. One of them is run by an old lady who can't make up her fucking mind when she's open. Needless to say, she did not come into contact with any of my money.

But the remaining two were pretty good for finding stuff. One of them is located in the back of a store called the "Hodge Podge" and it was absolutely full of goodies! The other was directly across the street from the old lady thrift store, stealing away customers like me. Anyway, onto my first item...

Yes, this is a disposable camera with all the pictures used up. I paid a whole dollar for it. While we wait for the film to develop and see what kind of fun stuff is on it, let's look at some of the other items...

These three formerly-blank records were recorded by Bob Brown's Orchestra between 1947 and 1959 in Dauphin. We've got two Audiodiscs and one Recordio. It was a bit surreal listening to these, knowing that everyone who played on these discs is now dead, and I own the originals.

If you know nothing about these types of records, allow me to fill you in. These records were not made for mass production. They were used for one-off recordings. If you fuck up, tough luck because it's embedded into the groove, and you have to live with your mistake for the rest of your life. And no, we can't just throw out the defective record like a CD coaster. These blanks weren't cheap like CD blanks, neither is the cutting head on the record lathe!

So there's a couple of fuck-ups on these records, mainly because the record isn't long enough to hold all the content. These are from the days when EVERYBODY used 78 RPM for playback. When the cutting head gets to the end of the record, your song ends up in a locked groove, skipping on the same piece of music for all eternity (or until your stylus is ground down to nothing).

The first two records were enjoyable, but the last one sucked ass because Bob Brown's Orchestra in 1959 had dwindled down to one fiddle player while the rest of the band went off and joined this new movement called "Rock N' Roll". Nevertheless, I'm presenting all six recordings here for your enjoyment.

Arnie - Thank You For Your Friendship / Plunging In Again

I'm really starting to wonder how many tapes this Arnie guy released. I've got another one sitting in my truck that I found. Maybe he was an underground success? Nevertheless, the cover on this one is more amusing than the one I posted in this entry. He's got a coat hanger for a bow, and plays even more polka music for all to enjoy! I don't think we need to hear from Arnie again, so let's move on...

The Hosanna Folk Group

Christian music recorded by a bunch of hacks always sounds like shit. They may have God's spirit, but they don't have any fucking rhythm (nor good songwriting skills). The song "You're There When I Need You" sounds like a barfing Care Bear. It tries to be cute and happy, but it trips over the mat in the living room and spills it's drink all over the floor.

Listen to this rhythm-free crap

Dakoda Motor Co. - Welcome Race Fans

It's great when I go shopping for blog garbage and actually end up with something decent. These guys are pretty good, and they'll be put into my 'new music' rotation. It's pretty generic 90s girl-fronted rock music (poppy, full of variety), but it's catchy, enjoyable, and it's got harmonies in it. Check out the song "Alive".

Teo Mance - Inday

I'll give him credit. He can sing. I'll also give him credit for something else... He can play guitar. But if I must give Teo some advice, it would be WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT! Here's his atrocious version of The Beatles song 'Yesterday'.

Kevin Harcourt - This Baby Of Mine

Yeah, he looks exactly like Weird Al with a haircut. He even kinda sounds like Weird Al too! Instead of singing funny parodies, he sings old Country & Western songs. So, I'm going to bring you "Weird Kevin" Harcourt singing his Johnny Cash medley (with a surprise at the ending).

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping

I picked this CD up new at the Bargain Shop for a whopping 39 cents. That certainly spells "success", doesn't it? Even the jewel case is worth more than 39 cents! And if that isn't enough, it was released on "Tomato Records". Anyway, Reverend Billy is a fucking activist who tries to discourage his listeners from shopping at the big-name companies. With hits such as "Stop Shopping" and "Remove Starbucks and Disney", you know you're in for a fun album! As much as I hate Disney, writing a gospel song about getting rid of them is completely retarded. Speaking of retarded, the track listing on the back of the CD is totally inaccurate, so I never quite know what the hell I'm listening to. It really doesn't matter anyway, because I'd rather listen to a lawnmower running over a George Foreman Grill than this garbage. I fucking hate the George Foreman grill. Worst appliance I've ever had to clean.

I suppose I should subject you to this crap to let you know what I mean. Here's the anthem called "Stop Shopping". I'd watch the included DVD, but I don't wanna.

Theme from First National Bank of Weslaco

I have no friggin' clue what the purpose of this record is, but it's amusing to say the least. Three bears (one named after nose snot) singing about a bank. This particular bank seems to be located in Texas. How the hell this record made it to a little shitty town like Dauphin is anyone's guess. Enjoy bopping to this piece of crud.

The Walter & Hays Band - Mormon Rap

Uhhh... Just listen to it. I can't think of anything to say that will make this more funny.

Ozark Vern

This is fucking terrible. He'd be better off sticking that saxophone up his ass and farting through it instead singing on this tape. He's like a really shitty Bob Dylan, but instead of writing great songs, he ruins other people's songs by singing to a $10 Casio keyboard and occasionally blowing his horn. Let's listen to him botch the Oak Ridge Boys song "Elvira".

And now, we.... OOOHHH! The pictures are done being developed! Let's see what we got...

Oh hooray, pictures of a retarded boy. There were also a lot of pictures of scenery which I did NOT include. I got bored, so I drew all over one of them. As talented as I may be, I am NOT very good at drawing...

This was the most costly item from this whole blog. The last time I got a film developed, it cost me four bucks. This pile of shit cost me TEN. Perhaps I'll look into developing the negatives only and see if that's cheaper. If not, maybe I'll learn how to develop my own film in coffee and baking soda.

Now that I'm finally at the end of this entry, I'd like to add that I wouldn't mind having a second person to write for this blog. I've got a huge backlog of stuff that I've picked up, waiting to be written about. If you're somewhat technically savvy, funny, and live in Winnipeg, then you should shoot me an email! If not, then email me the entire contents of your journal from when you were a teenager. My readers would like to see more of that stuff.