Saturday, December 15, 2018

Christmas is Ruined... Again.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And my balls are made of Jello! Welcome to this year's Christmas massacre, and you're gonna hate every minute of it...

Christmas With Kawai

It's time to pull out your organ and slap it with your jingle balls! Nothing says Christmas like Granny sitting at the organ while everyone else drinks to make the sound more enjoyable. This album came from Kawai Canada Music, and we couldn't be any more pleased that they decided not to sing on it. It's honestly not that bad though.

Listen to Sleighride
Download the whole album.

Canadian Christmas

Jingle Bells, boogie oogie bells, disco all the way! I shit you not, those are the lyrics in the Gloria Medley.

The fine print at the bottom says, "60 singers and musicians". In other words, 60 people either got paid very little or didn't get paid anything for performing on this under-selling piece of shit. According to the cover, this thing was advertised! Where and how is anybody's guess. Throwing unsold copies at people's heads in K-mart counts as advertising.

But guess what? I already covered this piece of shit! Click here to see the original entry!

The album was re-named "Disco Christmas Party" and had new artwork made for it. If you look at the copy I previously reviewed, you can see the original cover bleeding through the one they plastered over top. So, feel free to enjoy this one again. Well, maybe not again since I didn't post the whole thing last time, but I will this time!

Ruben Latour - Christmas Favorites

I don't like this guy! He makes me want to hate Christmas! He sounds like a cheap imitation opera guy that needs to be beaten over the head with Burl Ives' beard and buried in an igloo. Ruben put his address on the back of the album, so I'm gonna go dig up Burl Ives and have him FedEx'ed over there.

My laptop doesn't like tracks 6-14, and I can't say I blame it. I wouldn't be playing this piece of shit either if I were a computer. So because of that (and because I'm lazy), you're only getting the first track. If you would like me to set up a Gmail account to personally thank my laptop, I can do that.

Christmas Carols Choir Practice

Christmas is a very happy time. Everyone's opening their gifts, people are drinking eggnog and rum, and then some asshole downloads this "album" off my blog and ruins all the magic for the entire evening.

This is a bunch of children (whether or not they're special needs children is anybody's guess), rehearsing for a Christmas concert, and when I say "rehearsing", I really mean "learn as many lyrics as you can and don't worry about hitting every note because things like that aren't important". Transferring this album into a digital format is my punishment for torturing my readers for over a decade. There are two different choir practices on each side, enabling me to burn in hell for exactly one hour. I'd rather have a lump of coal forced up my ass.

These children can't sing, they shouldn't sing, and they should never sing again for as long as they live. The whole tape is awful, but it can be yours to liven up your Christmas dinner with the lovely download links I've provided...

That's it for this year's Christmas entries! I shall be pulling something interesting out for your New Years celebration since I'm going to be stuck at Folio Cafe for another week during the holidays. Might as well make it interesting!

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Kris's Khristmas Karol CDs

The remainder of the Junq Tour entries have been put on hold until the new year because CHRISMAS IS FUCKING HERE! We need to bring joy into your hearts so you can shit it out of your ass. But we'll leave the shit for the next entry because this one is actually kinda neat.

When I came across these CDs at the thrift store, I really had no clue what to think of them. Are they Christmas mix CDs? Collections of pictures? Videos? I honestly had no clue, but they were interesting nonetheless, so I bought them.

Two of these are 2-CD collections, and one is a 3-CD collection. They are plastered with pictures of people I don't know. The text on the inside is quite interesting.

After going through these, I realized that they're just mix CDs of mainly rock music newer than 1995. I didn't bother to listen to them because there really isn't anything unique on them.

However, I'm letting you see the packaging of each CD. A LOT of work went into these, and according to the liner notes, these were made in batches. Neat stuff! I wonder how many ended up in the thrift stores?

2009 Christmas Carols - The Study of Johnanallology

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Rock On

Kris's Khristmas Karols - Unbreakable

Gotta love the uniqueness of these!

But now the fun is over. Stay tuned for your ruined Christmas...

Monday, November 26, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Austin

I had never visited the thrift store in Austin, and they were obviously waiting for my arrival to rescue them from the shitty music that's likely been rotting there for years. Prepare yourself...

The Musical Warriors - Movin' On

These guys look like they're ready to go all gangsta on your shit! They've got ties, and they're not afraid to .... look presentable.  One has a mullet, and he's not afraid to... listen to Amy Grant. And their music sounds exactly the way they look... Boring and untalented, with a lack of production values. It's almost like barber shop, but they shaved a little off the top of their talent. Lyrically, it's corny Christian music.

Listen to Musical Warriors

Smash Hits Cash Style

I can picture Mr. Bored Johnny Cash impersonator sitting in a chair in the studio, head perched upon his fist, microphone positioned in front of him, uninterestingly reading the lyrics off the sheet in front of him.

The performances on this Johnny Cash tribute album are uninspired, but what the fuck did you expect from the Arc record label? People who love their job? People who get paid for their performances? People with talent? I think not.

Remember how much feeling Johnny Cash poured into I Walk The Line? Well, replace that feeling with a desire to go horseback riding. And Folsom Prison Blues? It's happy as Pharrell Williams after three caps of ecstasy.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Download the whole piece of shit

Hank James Chevillard - The Truth

At first, it sounds okay and then it hits you... Holy shit this guy is a lousy singer. This is one of those albums who's songs are each terrible in their own unique way. The writing is bad, the mix is bad, the playing is bad, and the singer is bad. Each song comes across as a crippled country song that's ready to lose it's balance and fall on it's face.

What on earth possessed this guy to record this thing? I could think of better uses for the recording tape that was used to make this, like flossing shit from my ass crack.

Thanks for the headache, Hanky. Keep running free as a pony, away from the recording studio.

Listen to Goodbye
Listen to Run Free

Only three albums, but they're all equally shitty. Our next stop is Neepawa, and if you've been reading this blog for a few years, you'll know that the pile from Neepawa is going to be huge.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Somerset

The Somerset thrift store was pretty bare when it came to interesting albums that I wanted to hate. I had a couple other qualifiers, but they turned out to be plain mediocre, so I threw them in the trash. Here's what we have left...

Country Pride Band

You'll never run out of twonky goodness when you get an album like this! It's exactly what it says on the cover, nothing more. The guy on the accordian obviously takes his job far too seriously. If Weird Al took his job seriously, he'd be an unemployed (and dead) vegetarian.

The production is very nice and the performances for the most part are very average.

Listen to Your Cheatin' Heart

Heiner's Country Classics II - Memories of an old Cowboy

Old men make the best terrible albums! Perhaps they lose their talent when their pecker refuses to stand up straight anymore. They have nothing to be proud of, so they try and make an album to redeem themselves and get groupies. Trust me, this piece of shit isn't going to attract any groupies...

I can't exactly pick out this guy's accent. Perhaps he's from Jupiter or maybe he's just really drunk. The songs here are pretty lousy, and he should consider smoking banana peels before he decides to venture in to the reggae genre ever again.

As for the album cover, it appears the band's official name is "Heiner's Country Classics II". I can only guess that they put a "II" in their name because there was another band called "Heiner's Country Classics".

Listen to Citygirl
Listen to Everybody Got Something

Well that was short! Trust me, there are more meatier entries coming your way, but first we need to take a visit to Austin.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Junq Tour 2018: Plum Coulee

Long time no see! Well, if you follow the blog on Facebook, you've probably already seen the Junq Tour video. If not, then you're missing out. That one took time to edit, and my summer's been busier than I'd want it to be, so that's why I've been absent. Also, the shit continues to pop up in my life. The easiest way to get more entries posted is to quit my job and just steal the things I want to write about, but that's probably a bad idea.

Anyway, I'm back with the deep-rooted cavity search of all the crappy albums I acquired during this year's Junq Tour. I'm quite sure there was more this year than last year, and it's taken quite a bit of time to get everything digitized and uploaded. speaking of which, I've started doing portable blogging at the Folio Cafe in Winnipeg! Lots of room, snacks, and plenty of outlets to plug in my laptop & 8-track player.

Anyway, let's get to our first stop in Plum Coulee...

Sharon & Rob Wedding CD

There's nothing quite like the joy and happiness of re-living someone else's wedding day with their home-made compilation CD. How the hell does things like this get donated to the thrift store????

...oh yeah... Divorce. That's what happens when you get married on Friday the 13th.

Encyclopaedia Britannica - Like You, Like Me

This is a collection of filmstrips and cassettes that were used in elementary schools in the 1970s and 1980s. All the cassettes were sealed which means none of this stuff saw the light of day. The one that I chose to put up on youtube had a cassette that sounded like it was badly eaten at one end, so I don't know what happened there. Maybe someone at Encyclopaedia Britannica felt the need to chew on some ferric oxide.

Speaking of Encyclopaedia Britannica, do they even exist anymore? Wikipedia and Google must have put them out of business by now, haven't they?

Anyway, scanning this filmstrip was a real nightmare. If the scanning light is hitting the film at the wrong angle, it looks like shit. On the plus side, I ended up buying four filmstrip machines for dirt cheap off Ebay to make future endeavors in filmstrip-land a little easier on my end. Anyway, if you haven't seen the Junq Tour video, I glued this filmstrip into it. I didn't feel that it warranted it's own video, but perhaps I'll put the others up in the future.

Ron & Kay Rivoli - Rivolivin': The Rivoli Revue

Hey everybody! Let's take our guitar into the boat and sing songs that will scare the fish away! I thought for sure this one was going to be a huge steaming pile of rural Canada cow shit. Surprisingly, it's not all that bad. It's country music, but it's performed, mixed, and produced really well. The cover and the name is bloody stupid though.

Listen to I'd Be Someone Too

Gospel Echoes Harvest Team - You're The Apple of His Eye

Look at the fuzzy hair on the dad. You could wash ALL the walls in the church with that! All I gotta say is I love Gospel Echoes' thrift stores, but I hate this album. Terrible gospel music that I could care less about.

Listen to Tell Me

Pierce Arrow Theater - Sold Out

I swear that Branson Missouri is the shit music capital of the USA. These are some country guys who apparently put on some kind of a live show, and this is the soundtrack. The band is comparable to a corn-chunkie-speckled turd, but how could you expecting anything different? This is Branson's hottest steaming pile! And why the hell is every member wearing a racing jacket? They should stick to racing cars instead of performing this garbage.

Anyway, their Elvis medley is awful. Awful, awful, awful. There's some guy with a low voice on here who sings so low that I'm pretty sure he's just farting out the words. I'm surprised Elvis hasn't come out of hiding to put an end to all of the shitty cover versions of his songs.

Listen to Elvis Medley

Matt & Robyn Rolf

I can't tell if these two kids autographed the album or someone just scribbled some random shit on the cover. Anyway, this one include the hits such as "I'm Little But I'm Loud", "Waterloo", "Hey Good Lookin'", and lots of other songs that I don't care exist.

The boy is fucking awful. He's trying to sound like John Wayne or some shit, and he doesn't hit the notes very well. The girl is a much better singer, but for the most part she's been delegated to backup vocals. I'm only guessing that the boy wanted to record this piece of crap and the parents threw the girl in there because she threw a hissy fit, but she would have been a better lead on this recording.

Listen to Hey Good Lookin'
Download the entire album!

Plum Coulee has a pretty damn good thrift store if I do say so myself! Somerset will be coming your way, hopefully tomorrow (unless I'm lying).

Sunday, August 5, 2018

A Much Needed Update!

You guys deserve an explanation of why there's been little to no activity. There are lots of reasons, so I'll let you into a bit of my personal life (again).

First of all, there's a lot of work to do on my new property. There are four buildings on my property that look like this:

They are salvageable, but they won't be for long if I let them fall into any further disrepair. So my goal over the next little while has been to get these buildings up and functional as proper storage. I'm doing all the work myself.

Second, I picked up a camper for cheap:

It has also needed repair. After much work, it's become functional as a bed on wheels, and we're going to be using it on this year's Junq Tour which is all planned! It came with an 8-track player installed, and I'm hoping I can get that repaired before the tour (which is at the end of this week)

Third, I went to visit my brother for a week. I have a pile of stuff I picked up to blog about, and it's sitting in queue.

Now, as far as the queue goes, I usually try to work on stuff while I'm stuck in the city for work. I had a satellite blogging station set up at my mother's place to get entries accomplished.

A couple of weeks ago, the shit hit the fan with my mother. Now before I go any further with this story, I must explain that my mother is kinda messed up in the head. I mean that. She says and does crazy-ass shit. When I was a teenager, she once accused me of stealing her clip-on earrings and giving them out to the girls at school.

Another thing about my mother is her memory is worse than that of a goldfish. She can forget things she's been told over the span of a few minutes. She had a better time with her memory when my dad was alive reminding her of everything. Since he died, her lack of memory is becoming extremely obvious.

Now for what's happened...

She mentioned that she was going to have some "missionaries" staying with her who would require a desk to work at, so she asked a few weeks back if I could take down my blogging station for a couple of months when the Fall came. However, I ended up tearing it down sooner.

Now let me explain this... My mother doesn't drive (and that's a good thing). Since my dad passed, the driveway at her house has been vacant. She has told me that I can make use of it whenever I need it. So I've been doing that.

Last weekend, she was at a religious convention and I had brought my camper into the city to spend the night in (parked somewhere else obviously). I parked the camper in the driveway because I don't want to be hauling it all over the city while I'm running errands. Now, my mother has seen what my camper looks like, and I let her know that I was going to be doing this.

On my way to go pick up the camper, I received a voicemail from her. After she had returned from her religious convention, she saw the camper in the driveway and became absolutely livid that it was parked there. When I showed up to pick up the camper, she freaked the fuck out on me.

Here is the voicemail she left. Absolute crazy shit.

Since she didn't want me leaving my "junk" at her place, I figured it was best to come back the next day, pack up my blogging station and take it home. I have a nearly completed entry sitting on there, and I have a nearly completed episode of "Tech of the Century" on it as well. Those are now on hold until I can get some time to either transfer them off that computer, or hook it back up and finish those projects.

So here's where everything is sitting right now... I need to start blogging "on the go" when I'm stuck in the city. That requires a laptop, a cassette player, an 8-track player, and a location. I'm likely going to be touring the coffee houses in the city and find one that I like. Before that, I need to find the tape players I need and do any needed repairs to them. That requires even more time.

So that's where everything's sitting at. I'll get entries out whenever I can, but they probably won't be regular until the summer winds down. I'm really sorry everyone. I still enjoy accumulating things to review and write about, but life gets in the way sometimes. If I were to guess, I should be back to making regular entries by August or September.

Life may kick me in the balls once in a while, but I always come back. See you all soon!

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Donald Bradburn: The Gospel Collection

This was absolutely irresistible when I saw it at the thrift store for 25 cents. It's not just one album from Donald Bradburn, it's a whole fucking box set of TWELVE albums! That's a bargain of just over two cents per album! It doesn't matter if the albums are shit, it's the fact that it was so damn cheap! I hit the gospel jackpot!

Here's something to put all of this in perspective... Donald Bradburn recorded more albums than Roxy Music. Suck on that Brian Ferry, Donald Bradburn is a true music making machine!

Donald Bradburn's wife and child are on the cover of this box set, and since there's no other credits listed, it's my guess that the lineup goes something like this:

Donald Bradburn: Vocals & Guitar
Mrs. Bradburn: Bass Guitar
Baby: Drums

The quality of the recordings are.... Well.... they range from kinda shitty to kinda not shitty.

When I bought this, I had no clue how the hell I was going to tackle it. There's so much music here! I eventually decided to pick one song off each cassette and feature it here as a collection of Donald Bradburn's greatest un-hits. Let's go over some of these songs...

(All featured songs can be downloaded in one zip file here!)

Album: A Prayer For My Children
Song: My God is Real

We had to start it with a catchy number, muddy quality, and a drum that sounds like someone beating their brother's head into the wall. The lead guitar is buried in the back yard as if it doesn't matter, and Mr. Bradburn is slightly off-key. Great fucking song.

Album: Sweet Anointing
Song: Sweet Anointing

The tape recorder appears to have eaten some of the beginning of this song for lunch which is fine since none of the band seemed to know how the hell the song started anyway. The band members fall asleep on and off throughout this one, and I can't say I blame them. It's over six minutes long and would be boring as shit if it weren't for all the mistakes in it. The keyboard solo sounds as if a drunken fool tripped over the power cable, landed on top of the Casio, and engaged in an intoxicated makeout session. This song is terrible, and would have been better left in the trashcan after the tape player chewed it up.

Album: Never Be Alone
Song: Not Just An Old Story

If you're going to mix your drummer louder than everything else, he'd better be a damn good drummer. I can fall down the stairs with better timing than whoever's pounding that fucking thing. This song is depressing and boring, just like most of the other shit on this album.

Album: Heaven Bound
Song: Jesus Is Your Healer

The chords and beat are the exact same as the last song, the lyrics simple and awful, so the gold star for effort will have to go to somebody else. On the plus side, the band isn't drunk this time.

Album: Songs of Comfort
Song: There Is Coming a Day

Hello? Mr. Bradburn? Are you outside, or is your microphone level just a bit too low? The album should have been called "Songs of Southern Comfort". On the plus side, the quality of the recording is fairly crisp here. The song is still slow and boring though. Remember the good old days of the first song and how upbeat it was? It seems so long ago now...

Album: Only Thru The Cross
Song: True Lord

The album should have been called "Only Drive-Thru The Cross for a McJesus Meal". This time, we get a raw recording of the band with minimal effects. There is also a drop-out in the right channel during the song, and I have no clue if it's on the recording, if it's a faulty wire in my setup, and I really don't give a shit either way. You get what you get. It's five minutes long and I'm not listening to this slow piece of crap again just to make sure I got a good transfer.

Album: When I Crossed That River
Song: A Million Tears or More

All the songs on this album are slow, boring, and interchangeable so you're not going to miss anything by not listening to the rest of it. Unlike the last album, we have some nice reverb on Mr. Bradburn's vocals, but the rest of the band seems to be playing at the bottom of the river they were crossing.

Album: The Lighthouse
Song: My Jesus I Love Thee

Try as he may, Mr. Bradburn cannot seem to stretch his vocal chords enough to reach those high notes. Also, I think the right channel is there, but perhaps someone accidentally stuck the speaker into their rectum, causing the sound to be shitty. According to my notes, this is the worst album of the lot so if you happen to find this magnificent box set, you can throw this cassette into the trash or record some Porter Wagoner onto it. You get to hear the song "At Calvary" twice just because it's so fucking awesome.

Album: Not Now But In The Coming Years
Song: Glory To The Father Son & Holy Ghost

You're getting two songs off this one!

Here's Mr Bradburn singing in Cree! He sounds like he's had a couple of beers to make this one go down your ear canals a little smoother.

Song: Draw Me Nearer

Pick up those boogie shoes and fall onto the dance floor! We have an upbeat one here and it's about fucking time!!! It's in Cree so you can't understand it, but who gives a shit? The guitar player is drunk as fuck and the beat is catchy as hell. Play this one twice because it's better than the last 8 songs I gave you.

Album: Tears
Song: If You Ain't Living For Jesus

The entire box set should have been called "Tears". This song is kinda catchy until you get to the middle part where everybody seemingly gets run over by a tractor. As for the lyrics, I can find better lyrics in the ingredients list of a bag of Peanuts. This is by far the worst song of the bunch.

Album: It's Happening Now
Song: It's Happening Now

Surprise! This song is actually pretty good! The production is nice, the mix is good, everybody is sober, there are no tractors killing people, and the song is actually pretty damn enjoyable with it being slightly upbeat. This might be where my whole 25 cents went. The rest of the album (or even the whole box set) doesn't live up to this track.

Album: He Paid The Cost
Song: He Paid The Cost

I have to admit that I was done at this point. The song starts out as if it had just finished throwing up after a night of drinking wine, but that isn't why I chose it. I got sick of listening to all this shitty music and this is the first song on the tape. I just decided to say fuck screening the rest of the album and went for the first piece of shit on this tape.

So there you go! This is the first box set I've reviewed, and after the daunting task of going through each of these damn cassettes, I hope it's the last one I review. I'm truly exhausted from this one.

Again, sincere apologies for the lack of updates. My new homestead needs quite a bit of work, so I'll be focusing a lot on that over the summer months. Fall and Winter should see more blog entries. There's always lots of stuff sitting in queue for me to cover, so I've slowed down a bit on my purchases and only buy things if they look truly terrible. Until next time....

Friday, May 4, 2018

Weird Marketing Crap

So you think you're doing great with your Etsy store? Well, let's look at how awesome these other guys did in comparison to you!

Nygard Celebration 50

This year, Peter Nygard is celebrating 50 years of making old lady clothing. In honour of the old bastard, here's a cassette entitled "Nygard Celebration 50". In other words, Nygard was celebrating the number 50 about 30 years ago.

According to the tiny blurb of text on the cassette inlay, this cassette was some sort of gift at a tour that Nygard went on to celebrate his parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My guess is they're both dead by now.

As a side note, 10 years ago I damn near ended up getting a job at the Nygard company hooking up A/V equipment. I had two interviews with them, and then they hired someone else. I'm probably better off for it, because the two guys interviewing me warned me (in the nicest way possible) that Peter Nygard is a fucking asshole. One of the perks of the job was an all-expenses paid trip to Peter's private island in the Bahamas where I would be hooking up A/V equipment for the yearly fashion show and also be berated by the mean old twonk. Such a missed opportunity...

So what's on the tape? When I bought it, I didn't really have a clue because there's no explanation other than it being "songs that made the memories" and "the soundtrack from the Toronto and Hancock fashion shows". It turned out to be an assortment of songs from about 1990 and earlier. Other than the assorted pieces of classical music and instrumentals, here are the songs I was able to identify:

- Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings"
- K-Tel's Hooked On Classics
- Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
- MacArthur Park - Richard Harris
- Buster Poindexter's shitty "Hot Hot Hot" rendition
- Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings AGAIN!!!
- That's What Friends Are For - Dionne Warwick and her buddies
- My Cup Runneth Over - Ed Ames
- Endless Love by two people who like shitty songs
- Goldfinger! By Shirley Bassey! Why the fuck is this on here???
- More (Theme from Mondo Cane) - No clue what version this is, but it's really good

The best part about this tape is the sound quality... If you put an AM radio in a bathroom, you pretty much have the same effect. I haven't included anything from this tape, so let's move on...

President's Month 1968 Record Making Competition

This is a strange one. I have scoured the album for the name of the company who held this "record making competition" and I've come up empty. All I can gather is that it's a company that does financial investments for people. In other words, it's a pretty damn shady company! I tried googling the president's name and came up empty.

So yeah, it's a few guys who are higher-ups in the company telling the "sales" men to get out there and get clients. A sheet of prizes is included with the record, and there's some pretty cool shit on there!

If you think listening to side one leaves you with a sense of con-artistry, side 2 will seal it for you. There is a spiralling groove (possibly two of them) that move from the center of the record to the outside. When your stylus reaches the outer edge of the record, it gets tossed off the platter and catapulted into the next millennium, leaving you with no way to play your records.

Oh yeah, and the groove is blank. There's absolutely nothing on it.

And another thing... The label on side one is plastered over another label.

Shady as hell if you ask me!

Listen to Side One

Sound Selling by Radio

This is the fun one! It apparently came from the "Radio Sales Bureau" and dates to about 1965-1966. It's basically a promotion for advertising on radio. It sounds boring on the surface, but they've included some really old Canadian radio commercials. Here's some of the things you will learn:

- You should buy a 1965 Peugeot, a '65 Rambler, and a '65 Meteor as your next vehicle!
- Find out what a "Toyota" is (hint: it's a vehicle!)
- Drink Freshie (which was a Canadian Kool-Aid equivalent)
- You can get cheap nylons from the Simpsons Sears catalog
- More Canadians enjoy Rothmans cigarettes!
- Use Flush-a-Bye diapers (pronounced die-a-per) that you flush down the toilet!
- Roy Brownlee Your Pharmacist recommends using Waterlily Cleansing Cream
- Rent an air conditioner for only 98 cents per day!

As a side note, my mother still calls Kool-Aid "Freshie". I also have some cigarette promotion stuff that I want to cover in the future, so watch for that. Anyway, here's some clips, and the whole album:

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

Clement's Farm Equipment
Flush-a-Byes Diapers
Rothmans Cigarettes

That's it for this round! As a side note (with regards to the Nygard album, other people's mix tapes, and other strange compilations), I was thinking about setting up an invite-only Facebook page to put up stuff like that. A minimum $5 donation to patreon or paypal would get you lifetime access to this more commercial stuff that people have compiled. I'd be putting up entire cassettes, 8-tracks, Minidiscs, and whatever else I come across that contains more mainstream material. Putting entire albums online can be time-consuming, but if any of you are interested in something like that, I'll do it. There's lots of stuff kicking around here!

Friday, April 20, 2018

Apparently Funny Answering Machine Tapes

A few years back, I covered the "Celebrity Answeralls" series, which contained prerecorded messages for your answering machine. There were other stuck-in-the-closet companies who did similar tapes, and I found three more of them. These damn tapes are kinda difficult to find, probably because nobody wanted this shit. Since I covered the Celebrity Answeralls back in 2012, these are the only ones I've come across. Were they worth it? Maybe one was, but the other two are pretty lousy. Let's get to it...

At The Sound of the Beep... Hollywood & TV Classics Volume V

Five volumes of this shit? Seriously???

This isn't too far off from the Celebrity Answeralls series, but if you thought those were bad, these ones are fucking atrocious. This cassette covers TV shows and movies that were popular from the 1960s to the early 1980s. They also had the courtesy to spell things incorrectly such as The Addams Family (Adam's Family) and Gilligan's Island (Giligan's Island). If they can't spell the names correctly, you can imagine how bad the messages are.

Listen to James Bond
Listen to 2001 - An Answering Machine Odyssey
Listen to Giligan's Island
Download the whole piece of shit

No Hang-Ups Tapes Volume IV: Sound Effects Only

For those of you who are funnier than the assholes who made the previous tape, you're in luck. You can make your own shitty messages with these 30 sound effects. Now just think of that concept... This is a sound effects compilation disguised as a tape for your answering machine. What a sorry-ass way to cash in on your stupidity.

As a side note, I've heard most of these sound effects before, mainly because I own a CD called "Over 100 Hollywood Sound Effects". Yes, I actually own sound effect CDs, and I actually did put them to use when I was making novelty mashups back in the 1990s. For a sound effects CD, the quality of this one is pretty good. It doesn't sound like it was recorded on an asphalt driveway, unlike some of the other sound effects CDs I own.

Anyway, there's a couple of scraps worth sharing. The moaning effect is pretty good with it's background music, and there's some sample messages (likely from the other volumes)

Listen to Moaning
Listen to a sample message #2
Download the whole thing

No Hang-Ups Tapes Volume I: General Messages - Female Voice

This is the best one out of the three. The people writing these messages had to actually use their brain, but they came up with some decent messages.

I'm honestly surprised they didn't put a warning label on this tape. Some of the messages are a bit... ummm... adult oriented. Apparently, volume 3 is all adult messages. Too bad I haven't found that one yet! Anyway, here's some messages, a download link, and feel free to put these on your voicemail.

Listen to Hi Sexy
Listen to A Dog's Revenge
Listen to Cat's Meow
Download the whole tape

That's all for this round. It felt refreshing to do something other than shitty cover bands for a change. Perhaps I'll keep my ban on crappy covers, at least for the next entry.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Country Music for your Cow Shit-Covered Boots

Hey everyone! I decided to go digging into my queue box for something other than cheap imitation compilation cassettes. I found a bunch of country "artists" who, for the most part, aren't very artistic and try to do their own cheap imitations. All my efforts and you still get terrible song covers. Oh well, you can't blame me for trying! So grab your horse and throw him in the mud while we attempt to stuff cow shit into your ears.

Mike Woods - Life in a Song

To be honest, this is the best tape in the bunch. Although this guy is apparently country music, he doesn't have the typical wad of toffee in his mouth and an over-used whiny-ass slide guitar. He's just straight up original, and might I say quite listenable. He also has hair that I want to run my fingers through.

My only complaint about this album is he split the songs down the middle, putting all the soft acoustic stuff on the first side and all the electric and upbeat songs on the second side. I prefer it when artist intertwine the songs so the album doesn't get boring. However, the songs on here are perfectly enjoyable regardless of what side you're listening to.

Sorry, I know you were expecting something shitty. Don't worry, we have three more albums coming your way...

Listen to Life in a Song

Bennie Karman Plays a Little Bit of Everything

So I'm looking at the songs on this disc, and I'm not seeing any Iron Maiden, Celine Dion, or even any 2pac. The fact that Bennie sticks to old country songs (except for another cover of The Rose) means this album title is a dirty fucking liar. This is NOT a little bit of everything. I was hoping to hear some Kanye West on the Diatonic Harmonica. Speaking of which, why the hell did this harmonica get it's own space on the CD label? What is the significance of it being diatonic? Perhaps some space should have been reserved for Bennie's sweaty old DIATONIC cowboy hat.

As I hinted in the above paragraph, all these songs are played on the DIATONIC harmonica. Most of them are played decently, but the rest of the band is a bunch of midi instruments. The DIATONIC harmonica is the only real instrument on here.

Most of these songs on here have been covered to death, so I chose to feature the song "Wheels". The funny part is I don't even know who the hell did the original version of "Wheels", so I can't really knock Bennie's rendition of it. However I have never heard it played on the DIATONIC harmonica.

Listen to Wheels

Clarence Snow Stefanson

If you look at the cover, you'll see it's snowing very heavily..... or it's the newspaper half tone quality. Either way, nobody gives their kid a middle name like "Snow". If his middle name actually is "Snow", then someone needs to take their steel toe boots over to Clarence's parents house and have a very good talk with them about the dangers of naming your kid after frozen water dust.

Clarence gives you 23 whopping tracks on this album because: fuck being stingy. I can't figure out if these are karaoke tracks or if he's got a real band on here. There are absolutely no credits on the inlay, just Clarence's phone number in case you want to call him for a good time. All in all, he's not the most terrible screamer you'll ever hear, but he's not the most exciting orgasm you'll ever have either.

I've included the longest, boring version of "Wind Beneath My Wings" that you'll ever hear, and his extremely terrible rendition of "Are You Lonesome Tonight" where he practically tells the listener, "Fuck you, I'm not doing any of this talking shit in the middle of the song".

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings
Listen to Are You Lonesome Tonight

Doug Mooney

You wanted terrible, you got terrible! First of all, I don't have a cover for this tape. I have no clue if there ever was one, but it would be nice to see what an old man looks like when he's crying from having his stretched-out ballsack being pinched to the floor by the microphone stand. This tape is fucking terrible, and if you know any of these old songs (most of which are Engelbert Humperdinck and Elvis covers), you will want to stand on that microphone stand and make him sing like Mariah Carey (because nobody likes or knows any Mariah Carey songs, and we don't give a damn if somebody sings them badly.)

Doug gives his worst Tom Jones impression on "Delilah" and can't hit the high notes very well. However, his worst song on here is "Man Without Love" by Engelbert Humperdinck. He gets way too fucking excited during the chorus and starts speeding ahead of the backup singers, making himself sound like an ass and ruining the song for everybody. Hell, you don't even need to know the original song to know how badly he's fucking it up.

Listen to Delilah
Listen to A Man Without Love

That's all for this round! If you haven't been following my Facebook page, you'll realize that you've missed out on the Junq Tour videos! You can start watching them below. See you next time, hopefully with less cow shit in your ears so I can re-fill them.