Sunday, August 14, 2011

Album: Steve Wilson - Get Your Groove Back

Ever hear a child create music on one of those V-Tech toys? I have, and it sound just like this album does. I got my 4 year old one of those toys, and he can actually play songs on that thing. I have no clue what the fuck this guy is doing, but the music is dis-jointed, out of tune, and to sum it all up in one word... dyslexic.

It was one of my dear readers who brought my attention to this guy. I must admit, I deserve it for all the garbage I've put on this site over the years. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?

I can't help but try to figure out if Stevie Wilson is blind, playing a joke, or dead serious. After taking a look at his record label (hosted by Angelfire nonetheless) I've come to the conclusion that he is DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS about his music, which sounds a lot like an old farmer singing while his horse gags on a kitten in heat.

I'd like to quote Steve's website on what inspired him before I subject you to a couple of his songs...

While living in Chicago during the early 6O's and delivering mail in the Maxwell street area, Steve was suddenly struck with the blues.

Poor fucking guy sure worked a depressing job, didn't he? I mean, what job is more depressing than delivering mail? He could've been a toilet scrubber or a slave, but I guess those jobs were just way too good for him. I have to wonder how many times he thought about slitting his throat with a white paper envelope and just ending it all.

But look where the Blues led him... He started his own record label! He even signed his dead dad to the label. My grandmother was a Ukrainian polka queen who died in '97, maybe she could get a record deal too!

Anyway, I'm being very unfair. I'd even go as far as to say I'm being an asshole. I should leave YOU the reader (and listener) to judge good ol' Steve Wilson for yourself. Here's the title track for his album...

Listen to "Get Your Groove Back"

And just in case this sample makes you desperately want a copy for yourself, here's an amazon link for buying your very own copy!

Let me individually review a few of these songs...

Alicia: This would be a pretty song if it were sung and played by a REAL musician.
Hope You're Alright: Steve, you are NOT the big bopper. Quit stalking old ladies.
A Thousand Years: The approximate length of this stupid recording
The Wedding: That poor bride obviously doesn't know Steve gave the DJ a copy of this song.
A Playboy's Confession: Not much of a playboy if he can't even play the fucking piano.

The others are... well... shitty. Not to mention the songs I listed above are shitty too. However, the title track is so awf..some that Steve decided to repeat it as a bonus track. Personally, I would've preferred his Christmas song (on his website) as a bonus track. Ending the album with a song about his dead mother would have been the icing on the dung cake.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be RnB music. Sounds like BrF to me... with the exception of his tribute to 50's doo-wop. Let's listen to that!

Listen to "You're Home"

Now wasn't that a treat? More entertaining than untwisting a twisted Slinky.

I hope Steve decide to record more music. I hope his dead dad records some too. I think the soothing sound of dirt and worms would bring justice to his record label. I'm still blown away that you can buy this turd on Amazon. I guess it just goes to prove that any asshole can release anything through Amazon.

To wrap up this entry, I was going to record a tribute to Steve on my kid's V-Tech keyboard. Unfortunately, I'm too talented to make it sound as bad as this crap.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion Part 2

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been able to acquire every album by Bucky Dee James & The Nashville Explosion. The bad news is they still suck. You can read about the first album I bought by them

Bucky Dee James got signed by the Springboard label after he did a drunken Elvis impression at a friend's Christmas party. They based his talent on his twitchy snarly lip rather than his ability to sound remotely like Elvis.

Springboard seems to have the knack for finding garbage talent to record in their studio. If you're wondering what else Springboard has to offer, someone was kind enough to post an almost complete discography here. I must say that it's interesting to look through. It seems that Springboard specialized in making bootlegs until catalog number SPB-4075 when they started recording their own garbage. In other words, we have lawsuits to thank for giving Bucky Dee James his big break. Without lawsuits, this world would be void of talentless hacks like Bucky.

The first album up for criticism is "The Hits of Elvis Presley Vol. 2"

I've picked up a LOT of cheap imitation albums, and most of them have "Vol. 1" placed after the title. However, it's extremely rare that I'm able to find a Vol.2. Bucky lived up to his promise and brought us more atrocious Elvis covers. Here's a list of the grave spinners we get this round:

It's Now Or Never
Are You Lonesome Tonight
Can't Help Falling In Love
Good Luck Charm
Return To Sender
Suspicious Minds
The Wonder Of You
Burning Love

I'd forgotten how bad this shit is, but the first track "It's Now Or Never" put it all back in perspective. Listen to it here.

Makes me wanna barf.

As a side note, I have enough cheap imitation Elvis albums to make my very own compilation, and fully intend to put one together for downloading. Another band I've acquired bad tribute albums for is Led Zeppelin, so you've got that to look forward to as well.

Now, let's move onto Bucky's third and final album... The Hits of Glen Campbell!

Before I get into this album, let's compare this album cover to the last one. Hmmm. Nearly the same background color. The Glen Campbell one is a bit greener. Same crappy font for the artist they're ruining. The imagination gears sure turn in the art department, don't they! The Glen Campbell album has that fake gold sticker thingy in the upper left hand corner, showing that the complaints have been rolling in from people accidentally mistaking Bucky's Elvis album for a real Elvis album. So now, we've got this gold (or yellow) medallion in the corner saying "This is fucking garbage! Buy it anyway!"

Here's what we get in this fine collection of Glen Campbell hits:

Southern Nights
Rhinestone Cowboy
By The Time I Get To Phoenix
Gentle On My Mind
Wichita Lineman
Country Boy (You Got Your Feet In LA)
True Grit

So now, let's hear this non-famous Elvis impersonator sing some Glen Campbell...

Listen to Rhinestone Cowboy

Ummm.... What the fuck is this??? Is this the same guy? This sounds NOTHING like his Elvis albums! It sounds like Bucky actually does have some talent hidden under his snarly lip and sideburns. He actually does a decent job singing these songs, The Nashville Explosion play their instruments somewhat well, and the guy who mixed the album did a shitty job by burying some of Bucky's lower vocals under the band. This is a quality cheap imitation album we have here. Unfortunately, by the time Springboard gets to Bucky's third album, they decided they didn't want his shit anymore and focused their next few albums on lousy orchestra covers of movie hits.

Poor Bucky. After his brief fling with stardom, he got kicked off the label and blew all his earnings on drugs (one bag of weed).

It seems that after this album, Bucky and the Nashville Explosion had some difficult times as a band. After scouring the internet, I found this collection called "24 Country Hits" released in 1978 on the Intercord label. It's a European collection which features The Nashville Explosion with and without Bucky along with some other big name Country artists. This came out a year after the Glen Campbell album.

Obviously, these guys were struggling to find work. After being unsuccessful, they turned to panhandling, hoping to raise enough money to buy another bag of weed. They are now residing in the "where are they now" and "who gives a fuck" categories.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Little Arlo

I found this computer in the garbage. There's nothing horribly special about it. It's got a 40G hard drive, has a shitload of illegally downloaded music from Limewire, and a whole bunch of pictures of a couple with their child.

That being said, I'd like you to meet little Arlo:

Arlo is your typical 1 1/2 year old. He's full of curiosity and is quite busy exploring everything. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop his parents from doing stupid things.

That wasn't very nice.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Video: The Family Guide to the Internet

I understand that many people out there have absolutely no clue on how to get on the internet. Well luckily, IBM put out a very lovely video (with shit-tastic acting) on how easy it really is to get on the internet!

This video shows the Newbie family learning about the ins and outs of the internet. The fact that these guys have the last name "Newbie" is fucking stupid, and the video covers fast modems, flaming, and Grandpa Newbie's Taffy. I absolutely hate taffy. Grandpa Newbie can suck it.

On the plus side, these guys aren't using Windows to get on the internet. They're using IBM's operating system OS/2. To be honest, I was much happier when all our bank machines were running OS/2. They crashed much less, and they were much faster at reading the bank card and giving us our money. Too bad IBM abandoned OS/2 and left it to die.

So anyway, if you've been having problems getting onto the internet, then this video is for you!

(Apologies for my bad editing. Since I upgraded, I need to use a different video editor that kinda sucks)