Saturday, December 9, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Neepawa

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Neepawa's Book & Tape shop is gone. Their pie restaurant is gone too. However, the thrift store is still there, and it was jam packed with lots of interesting stuff! This is a hefty entry, so I hope your boss is out of the office for the day while you waste company time checking out all this crap.

Mac Frampton - Mac

If this was autographed by Peter Frampton, I'd be a millionaire! Alas, it's just some guy named Mac. It would have been cool if his middle name was Mac and his first name was Fleetwood, making him Fleetwood Mac Frampton. He'd sing songs like "I want you-oo-oo, to go your own way!

Anyway, Fleetwood Mac Frampton is a piano genius! Well, at least HE thinks he is. The only reason I bought this thing is because he does a version of Classical Gas, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog. I swear! It's just a coincidence that I fell in love with the song YEARS before I started blogging. If you add farting noises to this recording, I supposed you could call the song Classical Gas Emissions.

Listen to Classical Gas

Barbie Sings The Princess Movie Song Collection

I don't know what it is about my feeble brain that cannot get over the fact that Barbie (and Ken) are both recording artists. Perhaps it's the fact that they're both DOLLS that cannot TALK. Barbie's personality is supposed to be defined by the child playing with her. Barbie could be an evil bitch, she could be as sweet as pie, or possibly even a commanding dominatrix.

When Barbie releases an album, all we hear is emptiness in her personality, and this collection of princess songs is no exception. Here she is singing about a cat. Or a dog. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

Listen to The Cats Meow

Bob Fuhr and The Evidence - Baby Face / Head Over Heels

Oh those fuzzy 1980s synthy songs! This 45 was made by some Winnipeg guy in the middle of a 1980s nightmare. The A side isn't all that interesting, but side B is where all the action is! I could strip dance to this music! I could cut cheese to this music! I could bounce my balls to this music! Ouch!

Listen to Head Over Heels

Lucio Agostini and Orchestra with The Art Hallman Singers - Hey Look Us Over (American Motors / Rambler Promo)

When I first grabbed this sound sheet in the flashy packaging, I had no clue it was from 1966. I mean, the fact that it was sealed with a 5 cent stamp should have given it away, or perhaps the fact that it's an advertisement for a 1967 Rambler.

The packaging shows that 18 people are on this recording! I hope they all received a crappy free Rambler for their services.

Listen to Hey Look Us Over!

Ralph Bennett - At The End of the Rainbow: Waihi in a Song

I've never been to Waihi, so I figured this tape would give me a good idea of what it's like. I've learned that their songs are too long, people talk instead of sing, and everything is really boring there.

As for the cover, someone named Angie Deacon ate a bunch of paint, threw up on a piece of glossy Fujicolor paper, and called it "perfect".

So if you have nothing to do for about nine minutes, feel free to fill that time with this crappy "song".

Listen to At The End of the Rainbow

Get More with DeckX

For all you unemployed losers out there, DeckX is offering to pay people to drive their trucks and listen to songs by some guy named Scott Nolan. I can't help but wonder how many dicks Scott had to suck to get his songs included on this disc.

All the content on this CD was mashed into ONE STINKING TRACK on this disc, so I had to split up the songs and the boring talking guy. You'll get all six of the tracks, and maybe Scott will motivate you to get your fat ass into a semi (or at the very least into the trailer of one)

As for the songs.... well.... They're mediocre. I'm not about to run out and buy his Bad Bourbon and Broken Radio album (or whatever the fuck it's called). It's all twonky country-ish crap that wouldn't turn my crank even if it were sticking out of my ass.

song: Golden
more blah blah blah
song: Right on the Wrong Time
blah blah blah again
song: This Train

Martin Collis - Fit to Sing

This is a very strange cassette. Martin Collis is a doctor from British Columbia who decided to quit his practice and become a singing comedian. I'm not fucking kidding! I guess he got tired of sticking his finger in people's bum holes. There's only so much shit you can take in life.

I'll give Dr. Collis some credit though, the dialogue and the songs are entertaining!

Listen to Have a Tequila

In The Style of Tammy Wynette

Holy shit! We haven't seen an 8-track from Fantastic F in quite some time! And it's just as awful as we expect it to be! The picture of Tammy Wynette on the cover is a perfect artist's rendition. He also painted two guys in the background looking at her ass.

You get all the classics here: Divorce, Golden Ring, Stand By Your Man, and I'd Like to See Jesus (which Tammy finally did in 1998 after listening to this shitty 8-track)

I've given you the song "Golden Ring" which features a duet with some guy (no, it's not George Jones. You expect too much). You don't get the whole song though. Fantastic F cut off the end because Program 2 ran out of time. Such is the life of a cheap imitation 8-track.

Listen to Golden Ring

In The Style of Kenny Rogers & Dottie West

Kaboom! Starburst explodes into your face with one of their shitty cheap imitation Kenny Rogers albums (they have three others to my knowledge). This particular release has one of the channels inverted, so listening to it in Mono will produce REALLY BAD results. So if you have a mono computer, you might want to throw it away and buy a new one so you can hear this recording in it's true half-inverted glory! I could have fixed the problem in a wave editor, but fuck that. We're purists here at Classical Gas Emissions!

So here's some purely fake Kenny Rogers performed by Buster Fykes & Pam Peddie (who both desperately need to change their legal names)

Listen to Lovin Feelin

Super Hits Including Tie a Yellow Ribbon

There is so much awesomeness going on with this 8-track tape, and that's without even playing it! I'm guessing the record label is called "Parrot Sounds" which is a great name! The tape was produced by "Spar". What the fuck is Spar? Who the fuck is Spar? Why Spar? And the artist is "The Now Generation". Fuck the tomorrow generation because we have NOW! This is all great stuff!

However.... Someone recorded over this magnificent piece of shit. We will never get to hear The Now Generation perform Drift Away or Tie a Yellow Ribbon. Instead, we get a recording of the Maclean & Maclean album "Suck Their Way to the Top / Take The 'O' out of Country". For those who don't live in Winnipeg, you really missed out on this comedy duo. The album will have you crying with laughter, so I included an excerpt from this 8-track.

Listen to "Story of the Fox" and "Daniel Boone" with a special introduction by the REAL Kenny Rogers!

Listen to Maclean & Maclean

Really - Down's Really Up

I had a bitch of a time trying to figure out who to credit this piece of garbage to. This was written by Jim Henman & Peter Henry, but Terry Kelly and Jeannie Beks are singing it, and the spine credits "(arrow down)really(arrow up)". If you want credit for your crappy song, you need to make it clear who made it. Although I don't think anybody really cares because this song sucks.

I'm guessing this song was written about a kid with Down's Syndrome. If you record a song about a kid with Down's Syndrome, you have singled them out. Why didn't you just write a generic song about your child like Eric Clapton did?

But that's the whole purpose of this CD. If you think it's the greatest song in the whole world, track 2 is a karaoke version so you can sing about Down's Syndrome kids too!

From the back of the CD:

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to organizations that are dedicated to enriching the lives of persons with Down syndrome.

First of all, it's "Down's Syndrome". You spelled it wrong. Second, why only "a portion" of the proceeds? You wanna get paid for your crummy song? I hope you enjoyed selling all three copies and prematurely retired off your profits!

Listen to Down's Really Up

Ray Larway & P.J. Neufeld - Harmonica Favorites III

This is apparently the third release by Ray-yay-yay and PJ Harvey. My life will not be complete until I find the first two volumes, and I have a feeling it will never happen. My tortured soul will not rest, and it will haunt these two for all eternity (or at least until they're dead, if they're not already).

These two perform some really old songs such as "Pub With No Beer" and "This Land is Your Land". They can play well enough, but whoever is singing these songs sounds like he's had a few to drink, and his thundering voice will scare any child into a coma.

I'm giving you the final song on the tape, which was apparently a tad too long and suffered a horrible death at the hands of a transparent light blue cassette leader.

Listen to Waltzing Matilda

Morrison Recording Laboratories Soundmaster Record

Side one is a bunch of religious chime music. I hate chimes! I'm much happier with the completely unlabelled side 2 which gives off a constant sound tone. It has an urgent sound, telling you to quit fucking playing this side of the record and go back to the other side with the stupid chimes on it.

Listen to ?????

Cyril Kidds - When I Was Twenty One

HEY! I don't see any Kidds on this album! All I see is an old man!

According to the back of the record sleeve, Cyril wrote and recorded all these songs on his own. He was a farmer, and he creamed all over Manitoba. Well... He trucked cream all over Manitoba while working for the Portage Creamery.

Now that we're all moist and creamy, we can talk about his job at the funeral home. I guess he decided to record this after seeing all the death in front of him, and suspected that his time was very short. He recorded these songs so that... ummm... somebody would enjoy them. Perhaps he placed copies of it inside people's coffins so his music would live forever. And THAT is how your music goes underground!

This album isn't great. His guitar is out of tune, and his voice is a bit out of tune too. He makes a few mistakes here and there, but the vinyl it's pressed on is as smooth as cream.

Listen to Dear Old Harrowby

Compact Disc Laser Lens Cleaner

I felt it was time to get all this shitty music out of my CD player and give it a good scrubbing. Enter Radio Shack's CD Lens Cleaner!

So here's how these things work... They make a CD with some crappy music, and then rip someone's eye lashes off their head and glue them to the bottom of the CD. Stick it in your player, listen to it, and just like magic, your player is completely sterilized from all the shit you've been playing in it.

Since I've been playing all this garbage over the internet and through your speakers, I figured this disc will help clean out any residual crap that may have been left behind on the internet.

Listen to track 1
Listen to track 3
(track 2 was long and blank)

Alex Wallman-Will Gentry - Bring Her Home

After cleaning your CD lens, it's time to shit it all up again! Rural thrift stores seem to get all these one-time recorded records such as this one. I don't know who Nashco Productions is or was, but I'm glad they got paid to put this twonky-fart-fart music onto an aluminium-core disc. Side 2 is blank, and I'd rather listen to that than this piss poor excuse for a country song.

Listen to Bring Her Home

Voice-O-Graph - Boris (only) singing

This is an interesting one! Back in the 1940s-1960s, there were small recording booths located at places like fairgrounds that people could enter, pay a coin, and record themselves onto a record such as the one you see above. The records are cheaply made. They're simply a piece of cardboard with a layer of plastic on top. Over time, the plastic will crack and flake off which I've seen in the past. This one is still intact, although there are some cracks where there is no recording. It's just a matter of time before it starts flaking.

As for the statement that this record is inflammable, I'm not going to give it much credit since it IS a piece of cardboard.

Listen to Boris singing!

Phew! That was a lot of garbage to sift through. Anyway, we have one more stop on the Junq Tour in Portage La Prairie and then I'll get to the Christmas Crap!

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Brandon

The city of Brandon... Where the wheat flows and my best friend's ex-wife can be found if you want to curb-stomp the whore. Well, at least the thrift stores didn't screw me over!

Brandon MCC

Banner Country Singers

I initially bought this one simply because there was a version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on it. I've been collecting strange and shitty versions of the song, and plan on doing a visit to Amateur Hour with them.

This group of women recorded this album in the super-famous town of Esterhazy, Saskatchewan which is famous for their... umm... people named Ester. Surprisingly, these ladies are actually quite talented and sing very well! Judging from a photo taken from the stage at one of their performances, one of these ladies has a nice ass.

Listen to Take Me Home Country Roads

Tillie Harpelle - Wanderin' On

This is Tillie's second appearance on Classical Gas Emissions! You can see her first one here. This time, she's older than ever and still yodeling her face off, except this time she's doing it while walking down a railroad track. I'm guessing a train smacked her ass dead afterwards.

I don't know why people knock a good yodeler. They can bring a smile to a child, a smile to an alligator, a smile to a wrinkled old man with a big cock, and a smile to a guy who writes shitty blog entries in his spare time.

Listen to The Yodelling Trail Rider

Prairie Sunshine - Our Best to You

According to the cover, someone set these guys on fire, and rightly so. May they forever burn in hell for ruining songs such as "Hello Mary Lou", "Funny Face", and "Are You Lonesome Tonight". These songs have a suicidal sadness to them in hopes that you'll join the band in the eternal torment of a fiery afterlife. The album should have been called "Our Worst To You". Also, the songs almost all sound the same.

Listen to their sad version of Funny Face
Listen to their dialogue-free version of Are You Lonesome Tonight

John Martens -- Cordovox / Fred Wolfe -- Bass Violin

This title-free album was recorded on the bottom of someone's shoe, where dog shit and old chewing gum fester with all these fucking terrible renditions of old Christian songs. This disc inclues the hits "Happiness is The Lord (when he's not listening to this terrible music)", "Each Step I Take (I smell dog shit)", "Oh Mighty God, How Great Thou Art (for forgetting to give me some talent)", and "In The Shady Green Pastures (a pissed off blogger stomped the hell out of this crappy CD and broke it into a million pieces)"

May the lord have mercy on your ears!

Listen to In Times Like These

The Countdown Dance Masters - Macarena Tropical Disco

The Madacy record label has opened your wallet and taken a shit inside of it yet again with this release. When your band is called "The Countdown Dance Masters", you really can't expect them to delight you with their dance talent by listening to a cassette. So instead, you have to put up with their singing.

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for any piece of garbage with the word "Macarena" on it. However, this time around you get Macarena-fied version of "In The Summertime", "Oye Como Va", "Lambada" and a bunch of other songs. Okay... They're not really Macarena-fied, they just put the word "Macarena" on the tape to sell it during the Macarena dance crisis.

Listen to Sweat (Alalalalalong)

Jammin' Sam - Can't Go Wrong With A Little Creedence Song

One day, a man woke up after having a stroke that left him half paralyzed and said, "I'm going to start a Creedence Clearwater Revival Tribute Band!"

This CD was released as a benefit album to help raise money for a local charity. Unfortunately, I think it's the band that needs help more than the charity. These covers are fucking awful. Those assholes left in the real CCR band should have sued these guys instead of John Fogerty. Hell, John Fogerty should sue them too!

So now join me if you will, to go rallin' down the river with Jammin' Sam! (To all those who aren't Canadian, I swear that we don't talk or sing like this! Honest!)

Listen to Proud Mary
Listen to Fortunate Son
Download the whole album!

Value Village

I'm very sad to report that most of the stuff I bought at Value Village actually wasn't half bad, although it gets a little bit strange. So let's take a stroll through this stuff...

The Reverend Rambler

The album cover completely won me over. We've got a sleazy motherfucker holding up a bible, sticking out his snake tongue. I thought this was going to be some guy rambling off bible verses, but it is not.

It's bluesy, twonky, catchy, and it's really good! If there's one complaint I have, it's the production work. They took the mix and brickwalled it, so it's a bit distorted. It's still pretty enjoyable thought!

Listen to Get Down
Buy the album at Bandcamp

The Western Union - Album No. 2

This band goes all the way back to my childhood. I bought their first album (or got my dad to buy it for me) from a thrift store back when I was around five years old. The only reason I picked it was because of the record label's logo, which was the locally-run Galaxy Records. This record label normally catered to Ukrainian music (much like V-Records) but they did a one-off for The Western Union. Although the band wasn't happy with the release, I thought it was pretty good.

As for their second album, I have to say it's just as good as their first one.

As a side note, the band (which is a project by Bill and Sue-On Hillman) had their own television show, and the albums were mainly an extension of it. I doubt there are any episodes of the show still in existence, but at least we have the records!

Listen to You Were On My Mind

Cathedrals - Unbound / Harlem

It's not often I'll find a newer record at a thrift store (and a 45rpm to boot), but I came across this limited pressing (298/400) of a song by The Cathedrals. They kind of remind me of The Raveonettes, but less distorted. This single is actually pretty damn good! I crave more! I found more! Happiness ensues!

Listen to Unbound
Listen to more of them on Soundcloud!

CDs by Atlantis

It's time to get your fag on and dip your cock into a nice brown butthole of music! I just couldn't turn down the bizarreness of these album covers. There's plenty of male nipple to be had, and enough astroglide to grease up every single band member performing on all three of these CDs.

The tracks on these albums are pretty much just gay club techno versions of some very well known songs. All your favourite performers are here: Boys, Housecream, Boys Boys Boys, MC Joe, In.Deep, and a bunch of other really gay performances by a bunch of really gay names.

So grease those earbuds up and slide them into your asshole with this pooptastic Green Day cover!

Listen to Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Daniel O'Donnell - Rock 'n' Roll Hits / Remembering Elvis

Who says the Irish can't sing like the greats? Well, I do. However, good ol' Danny boy isn't all that terrible. He just can't shut the fuck up about how much he likes these songs. I'm dead serious, he does almost as much talking on these albums as he does singing the songs. Since he's extremely boring to listen to, I've excluded him talking about these damn songs and just left in the performances. The band isn't very good, but Danny boy has a very non-offensive voice. He seems like a nice guy you'd enjoy having as your neighbour. However, his rendition of "Fool Such as I" is almost as boring as him talking about how much he likes it.

Listen to Daydream Believer
Listen to A Fool Such as I

I've got some Christmas shit just waiting to be posted, but I have two more thrift store locations left to post about on this Junq Tour, so let's blast through them! Next stop: Neepawa!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Boissevain

Oh Boy, oh Boissevain. Your is a name I can never pronounce properly. Your thrift store is kinda crappy too. I didn't buy much at you. But you graced me with a few interesting items...

Tequila Mockingbird - Any Shape or Form

This was a Winnipeg band, and it's very likely that I shared the stage with them at some point. Their name is memorable, and their music is quite good! Or was quite good. I don't think they're together anymore.

Listen to Any Shape or Form

Nancy Klassen - Higher

Aww, how cute! She thinks she's a tree! Or she's getting fucked up the ass by the tree. I can't tell because the camera doesn't give a very clear shot of what's happening around her pelvic area. However, her facial expression is telling me that something is tickling her somewhere, and she's trying not to express how much she's enjoy it. According to the first song, she's getting tickled by the love of Jesus, but I think that's debatable.

Listen to Just Like You

Club Ophelia 2010-2011

This is a DVD! It was made at Boissevain School! Nobody knows what Club Ophelia is! It is no longer 2010 or 2011! It is outdated!

Some of the girls in this video describe in their own words what Club Ophelia is. From their words, it's a club for girls who don't treat other people like shit. Sounds like a good thing to me, but did we need an entire DVD on the subject? Yes! We did! With bad acting! And terrible audio! and songs that will get me a copyright strike, so I posted it on my junk youtube account! Hooray!

Our next trip is to... Brandon Manitoba! Home of the wheat things!

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Morden

The Morden Community Thrift Store seems to think their shit doesn't stink because their prices were atrocious. Nevertheless, I walked away with a few stinky pieces of shit that didn't cost too much.

4fun - You Got Ta Do Right

Sometimes I'll end up with an acapella album in my possession. It's usually not too terrible because it takes talent and practice to make voices work together. 4fun brings you the acapella sounds of the 1950s, performing songs such as "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "Barbara Ann", "Duke of Earl", and "I Sing The Mighty Power of God".

4fun is essentially a complete rip-off (albeit a Christian rip-off) of the Canadian band "The Nylons" who rose to fame with their 1980s album covers and their acapella version of Steam's "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye".

While 4fun perform this rendition of Steam's (and The Nylon's) only hit perfectly fine, the instrumentation and production just isn't as up-to-snuff as the Nylons version. They also don't have a "Mr. Bassman" to fill out the lower end of the vocals, and they left out the "Na Na Hey Hey" in the song title, implying that they like kissing other men.

Listen to Kiss Him Goodbye

My Vertigo

This is a 3 song demo from a band who perform as if the room is spinning. They occasionally fall down and start puking uncontrollably. The singer sounds as if he has just finished vomiting, with stringy spit hanging from his bottom lip.

This is nothing more than a boring attempt at 90s alternative rock, with that "I'm a miserable Generation Xer who's going to ruin society when I turn 30 years old" sound. The production is the shits and I really don't like the singer. He should go back to throwing up.

Listen to Scream Out Loud

Reta Webster 45

You can immediately see why I grabbed this one! It's got everything guaranteed to make it interesting; A record label called "Home Recording Service", the sub-note "Personal Recordings", and a song about Manitoba. It's unlikely to find this recording anywhere else!

While there's no date on this 45, it sounds like it came from the 1950s. The song about Manitoba is mediocre, but I completely appreciate the B-side called "Misty Morning of To-Morrow". I don't know if the dash in the word "tomorrow" was eventually eliminated through evolution in our writing, but I'm thankful that we eliminated the implied evilness it would have brought upon society.

Listen to Manitoba Our Home
Listen to Misty Morning of To-Morrow

iktv U-Best Karaoke Series - Elvis Favorites disc 01

Karaoke discs are usually interesting to some degree. This is a VCD so it has video playing while the lyrics are appearing on the screen. It's mostly boring footage that has very little to do with the accompanying song.

When covering songs by Elvis Presley, it is against the law to perform it without at least attempting to sound just like the dead singer. This causes covers of songs like "In The Ghetto" to turn out like absolute garbage.

I'd post some videos, but Youtube will have my balls squeezed into a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich if I do.

Listen to In The Ghetto

iktv U-Best Karaoke Series - Beatles Favorites disc 01

And this is the cream of the crap. Instead of having boring footage playing in the background, we have some fake Beatles performing. They don't look too bad either!

One of the most interesting tracks is Yellow Submarine. They're all dressed up like doormen, and they're singing in an empty train car while coloured filters are added to the camera lens. Psychedelic, man! Check out fake Ringo's pie-hole and moustache!

I'll try and squeeze some footage of Yellow Submarine into the Junq Tour video I'm assembling, so stay tuned for that!

The rendition of "Hey Jude" is fucking awful, so here it is:

Listen to Hey Jude

I'm trying to get all these posted before Christmas comes, so let's race over to Boissevain and see what we can find!

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Winkler

Ah, Winkler. You and Morden are the heart of the Christian Wheat Belt with your 300 churches or however many you're up to now. Eventually, you'll have one church per family which will help promote true Christian unity!

Let's get to the junk I bought...

Winkler MCC

The Hillside Singers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing

Whenever I'm flipping through things in the bins at thrift stores, certain words will grab my attention such as "demo", "original", "test", and "penis". Although the word "penis" isn't anywhere on this record, the word "test" certainly grabbed my attention. This is a commercial release, although not an extremely popular one. The word "test" made me wonder what was inside. Could it be an original test pressing? Could it be someone's testes? Well... no.

The person who owned this was just testing a paint pen on this record so they could make wedding decorations. I guess I'll never know how well The Hillside Singers performed "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" since the track is covered in hand-drawn hearts. My life will never be complete.

Art Mutcher's Stardust

An album featuring old men with saxophones! Lots of cover songs! This is one of those albums that could have gone either way. To be honest, they play very well, and whoever recorded this CD did a very good job. However, they do better when playing instrumental versions of songs. Their rendition of the Irish Rovers' "Wasn't That a Party" is a bit underwhelming.

Listen to Wasn't That a Party

Singers - Faith To Live By

Well... It has 24 songs! How can any album with 24 songs be terrible? Quantity over quality!

The font used for the track listing is very small and hard to read. The insert orders you to watch Vision TV on Sunday at 2pm, but gives no consequences. There's also a mailing address so you can tell them how much you hate this CD!

This album overstates the obvious. Calling your group "Singers" is like lovingly calling your wife "Companion". I pesonally like to call this album "Crap". While I was paying this CD, my cat came into the room, howling as if there was something very wrong. Perhaps the lady (and I'm only assuming it is a lady) was stabbed in the heart by her joy for Jesus, and is wailing in pain.

Listen to There's Within My Heart a Melody

Gospel Echoes Team

What a strange name for a Thrift store! Let's see how much crap I can get echoing out of your computer speakers...

Special Believercise

I honestly don't know what draws me to pick up Christian exercise albums. Maybe it's the fact that you really don't know what you're going to get. I've picked up others in the past and they usually have something not quite right about them. This one is no exception.

On the plus side, it came with poster-size diagrams on how to do the exercises. This is so much better than watching a fitness video! I mean, why would you buy a fitness video when you can look at a stupid poster instead?

So here's what's odd about this record. First, the songs contained on this album are from real Christian artists as opposed to instrumental versions. Second, this isn't one of those non-stop exercise albums. There are gaps between each song, so you have to take a break while you wait for the silence to end. God forbid the thing starts skipping, because you will exercise to your very death along with your unborn child. Third, this is a demo copy used for promotional use only. How the hell do you demonstrate a pregnant exercise record?

The fun part of this album is the instructor. She sounds strangely seductive, and oddly recites the occasional lyric. Because I'm a fucking pervert, I decided to focus on the inner thighs. Join me in the fun!

Listen to Innner Thighs (aka Love of my Life by Kathy Troccoli)

Willie & Rodi Longenecker - How Firm a Foundation

It's nice to see that George Clooney found Jesus.

From the Liner Notes:

"This recording comes as a testimony of what God can do through the heart music of the older generation."

If this is "Heart Music", I think I want a transplant.

Listen to "How Firm a Foundation"

Dr. James Dobson - Prepareing For Adolescence

I'm sure it's absolutely no problem to sit your pre-teen child down so they can listen to six tapes on how hormones are going to completely fuck them up. I have no clue what's on the first one because it's missing. My life shall forever be incomplete.

The only one I listened to was the one on sexual development, simply because I'm immature and haven't gone through puberty yet. The guy on the tape told me not to laugh, but I did anyway. It was even more funny when the guy on the tape talked about "pooberty". I'm also a bit skeptical about the guy on the tape being a real doctor. I don't consider people who attend bible college to be real doctors.

However, I have to give Mr. Tape Doctor props on one thing... He tells the kids listening to these tapes to masturbate as much as they want. He claims that God created the need to fuck, and masturbation is part of that need, so God wants you to spank your monkey and play with your clitorus. Thanks, God!

Listen to a clip about your changing body
Listen to a clip about sexual development
Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

Serenade - 2005

Well, these ladies can sing. The music is Casiotastic. The mixing and production was done by Jim & Kate Sanderson. In other words, it took two people to fuck up the overall sound on this disc. Some effects on the vocals would have made this sound a little more rounded out, but instead everything just sounds flat and cardboardy. But "Serenade" obviously doesn't care about that, because they thank Jim & Kate in the liner notes.

Listen to Yes I Believe

The Dyck Family - I Belong To The King

So this is a family of Dycks. More specifically children Dycks. They can't fucking sing either.

From the inlay: "We hope that as you are listening to this recording, you'll understand that we want to give all praise and glory to the Lord for it is written; "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord"

This is a joyful noise? It sounds like the crushing of a kitten's ribcage. The Lord must be a sick person to enjoy the sound of that.

Listen to The Love That Brought Jesus

Our next stop in the Christian Wheat Belt is... Morden! A whole five minute drive away!