Monday, September 28, 2009

Born To Be Wild?

Sorry about the stumpy, minimal update this week, but time is kinda pissed off at me lately. I got something really cool from the "put your junk on the boulevard and let people take it" weekend. I burned a whole tank of gas driving around looking for treasures, and I found a really nice one. I'll update when I get a bit of time.

But for now, I'm leaving you with a clip from the album pictured above. I shit you not, this is a female japanese redneck cover of Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild" performed by Petty Booka. It's pretty funny.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Junq Tour 2009: Ashern

Alas, we've arrived at the last post in the Junq Tour of 2009. Suitably, the finds are absolutely fucking atrocious this time around.

I keep forgetting to take pictures of these thrift stores. This one looked tiny on the outside, but was quite large and packed with junk on the inside. There was boxes full of crap that hadn't been sorted, and that's where I found the best stuff - usually deep at the bottom sandwiched between other stuff.

So, let's get started. Here's what I found on my journey to Ashern, Manitoba:

Kathie Lee Gifford - Sentimental

Yeeeesh! This is fucking terrible. Kathie Lee should stick ONLY to television and keep her middle-aged ass out of the recording studio.

To be honest, I didn't even think about the kind of music that would be on this CD. It sounds just as it looks: mellow, boring, and pain-inducing. If you need that many couch cushions to make your album cover look good, then you should re-think what you're going to release and give the master tapes one more play through an electric can opener.

Anyway, Kathie Lee's album consists of songs written by people who were all born before 1927, and only one of them is still alive. I could think of hundreds of singers that I'd rather hear resurrecting the 'old classics' than Kathie Lee. Her voice runs down your skin like sand paper, and the music is as uninteresting as dog shit being eaten by flies.

Click here if you dare to hear the bitch sing.

Scrapbook full of a child's art

Yes, this was in the thrift store. Yes, I did buy this. Yes, it is going on the internet. For your convenience, I named these masterpieces:

Butterfly, Boomerang, and Purple Flowers:

The End of Double-Yolked Eggs:

Cavity Sun:

Alicia, The War Amp:

Blue Boy and Purple Scribble:

7 1/2 Months of Love:

Gangrene Diva:

Picturing The Yukon: 9 Short Films

I've never been to a film festival. However, thanks to this enlightening DVD, I plan to NEVER, EVER attend one. You know that South Park joke about the gay cowboys eating pudding? Well, there's a film on this thing about a gay cowboy who travels to some shitty town to learn about his not-gay (but dead) grandpa. There's also a film about how indians have flat asses, and a bunch of other crap that didn't make sense. People in the Yukon should be forced to downgrade their video cameras to ViewMasters.

Let me give you one example. Here's a film about a kid who's dad was a ballerina. One day, his dad prances his fairy ass into the forest, poops his pants, and gets killed by a wild boar. Probably the best film I've ever seen on 'natural selection' and 'survival of the fittest':

And with that being said, we wrap up the Junq Tour for 2009. But don't worry, I'll be shopping the rural thrift stores again in 2010!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Junq Tour 2009: The Pas

The more I explore thrift stores in little towns, the more I believe that the people in these towns have a spectacular knack to find the stupidest and shittiest things, and buy them. Perhaps it's because of the lack of information such as radio stations, or even TV channels. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for those people for finding these items and then dumping them at the thrift store once the novelty has worn off.

I swear, the finds are getting more and more interesting. Just wait until I post my findings from Ashern...

I found a cramped, but nifty thrift store while I was in The Pas.

The first item is a book called "The Lonely Doll" written by Dare Wright:

This is a heartwarming children's story (published in 1957) about a lonely doll who takes in a papa bear and a baby bear so she won't be lonely anymore. When Papa bear leaves the doll and baby bear alone, they start playing with makeup and dressing up in adult clothes. When the Papa bear returns, he beats the ever-living piss out of both of them. The two bears then proceed to tell the doll to shut the fuck up.

If you don't believe me, read it for yourself:



The cool thing about this book is that it came with a free gift... a FINGER PUPPET!!!!

In case some of you have never seen a finger puppet, here's how it works. You cut one out of a children's activity book and cut out the holes.

You then put your fingers through the holes and voila! The puppet now has breasts.

The video section of the thrift store was overloaded with workout videos and sports blooper tapes. I picked up two videos. The first one was a still-sealed copy of "Best Ever Sleepover", but that one made me nauseous. The best part of the video was the out-takes during the credits, where the 'little brother' takes a corn chip, scrapes some of the all-natural facial mask off one of his sister's friends, and then eats it. But it just wasn't worth the bandwidth to put it up.

The other gem I found was created by a bunch of over-zealous Christians who drank a little bit too much of Christ's blood, and decided to piss out this marvelous creation:

Gospel Aerobics is just wrong on so many levels. In the past, I have played you workout albums by Charlene Prickett and Good Housekeeping. We also got to see what a bitch Alyssa Milano was for going off and dancing in a smoke-filled alley while she leaves her friends doing her crappy workout.

But this is.... Just watch it:


Yeeeesh!! Michelle LeMay sucks as an aerobics instructor.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Best Free WiFi!

I'm currently in sunny Ashern, Manitoba, writing to you from my motel room! There's free WiFi with the motel room I'm staying in, but I'm not using it. Take a look:

Yes, I'm connected to 'linksys'. In other words, I'm borrowing a neighbor's bandwidth.

There's other places that I can connect to, so I'm gonna play around a bit and see if I can find any shared folders I can browse. Wish me fun!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Two Albums That Shouldn't Exist

Occasionally, I'll post albums that were the brainchild of SOMEBODY, and their brain somehow gave birth to some stillborn abomination that people go and spend their hard-earned money on. You really have to wonder how people come up with this stuff.

I'll usually give people a break if their recording isn't on an official record label. I've got a pile of albums sitting next to me that I've been meaning to blog about. They're mainly bands (or people) who have thrown an album together, made a limited run for their friends, and their friends quietly dumped the album at the local thrift shop along with those Tae-Bo videos, '50 and over the hill' mugs, and Billy's 5th grade popsicle stick creation.

Believe it or not, these are official releases on REAL record labels. You really have to wonder what the dumbass at the record company was sniffing when he signed these guys.

Joey De Leon - The Return Of Tough Hits

The cover of this tape explains why I bought it for a whopping 49 cents.

Joey De Leon is apparently to the Phillipines what Weird Al Yankovic is to us English speaking people. In fact, Joey obviously ripped off Weird Al's "Alapalooza" album cover idea (1993) and used it for his "Joeyrassic" album (1994)

And what does Joey De Leon sound like? Click here to give a listen to the song "Special Offer" and see if you can name that tune.

Next on the list, we have this thing:

Thor - Keep The Dogs Away

Thor is apparently the caveman of rock, and the album sounds like it was recorded in the stone age. I showed this album to my friend Noah, who bursted out laughing and said, "From the badass streets of Regina!" Click Here to listen to "Sleeping Giant" from this prehistoric 8-track.

Me and Noah's biggest regret is that we didn't attend Thor's concert when he came to Winnipeg in 2005 (Tickets were only ten bucks.) I found a video on Youtube of what we missed out on. Hold onto your seat while watching this!

( my best caveman voice....)