Book Review: My Name Is Nyork

It's not often I come across books that I think are worthy of review, but I found myself completely drawn into this one and couldn't put it down until I finished all 70 pages. Please join me as I highlight a few excerpts from this fascinating piece of literature, simply titled "My Name Is Nyork"




Nyork goes into intimate detail about a very close friendship. Anmol and Nyork's parents must have immigrated from the same planet, given their unusual and bizarre names. I cannot help but wonder if either Nyork or Anmol have pets, and what kind of wacky names they have. We also notice that Anmol and Nyork differ in a very unique way; one has feet while the other doesn't. Due to their interstellar names, it's no surprise that these two possess very special powers in order to maintain balance without feet.




Ah-ha! We now have proof that Nyork is from a different planet! The interpretation that I gather from this page is that Nyrok landed on Earth on October 31st. He was also very fucking tall when he arrived. This may explain the lack of feet, since he obviously had to have his legs partially amputated in order to fit in with the rest of us earthlings. Regardless, we are thankful that Nyork has joined us on our humble planet, and has written this magnificent book to tell his tale.




It seems that Nyork has developed an exclusive taste for pork during his time on Earth, and apparently receives it as a live gift; perhaps many times a year from his mom.




If Nyork is going to have friends on Earth, he must also have enemies. In this case, it's two people named Mario and Mariw. Take it from Nyork, these guys are fucking assholes and you should NEVER interact with them!




While on Earth, Nyork has developed a fascination for urine. Unfortunately, it's quite unclear what aspect of urine Nyork seems to enjoy. Perhaps "paprony" is a special way to prepare urine for consumption. It's also possible that "paprony" is an extra-terrestrial method of urination. These kinds of urethral possibilities make us lowly humans ponder how wasteful we are with our urine.




This is some real in-depth shit here. What is chacter? Who are Spogbob? Judging from the picture, it's a crazed race of beings who live in caves and speak a highly sophisticated language. Although Nyork seems to be fond of them, I certainly hope I never run into the Spogbob!




I'm guessing that Nyork's family is very poor, because this "Tos" building is quite cheap. I have no clue what is contained inside the Tos building or what it's purpose is, but it seems that Nyork is displeased with whomever owns the building and has taken it upon himself to stick his tongue out at them.




Personally, I've never heard of a "badbp", but according to the picture it seems to be some sort of penile extension that can flex and shoot. I'll give Nyork credit, he knows a good toy when he sees it! Perhaps someday I will invest in my very own badbp and shoot semen all over my city.




You're own your own with this one. It's too deep for my feeble brain to interpret.


In the few pages I've posted here, we can see that "My Name is Nyork" is a very deep and magnificent book. I hope that we eventually see more releases by this mastermind! I was very fortunate to receive a free bookmark with my copy.



Thanks for sharing this wonderful book with me, and we shall meet again soon!

Junq Tour 2012: Boissevain and Portage La Prarie

I've decided to start combining Junq Tours that don't have high yield. Before, I would just relegate the one or two items into the regular queue box, but that box is already full of junk I haven't had time to go through. This time around, we've got the little town of Boissevain and the big town of Portage La Prarie.


 - Boissevain, Manitoba -




Jerry Foster - Bars & Bedrooms

I picked this one up because Jerry looks like he's 80 years old on the cover, and we know from previous entries that old men sound like an 8-track player with a bad motor playing a tape that's packed tighter than a virgin kitten's asshole. That's exactly how he Jerry sounds too!

These are crappy country songs. The tracks sound like they were recorded in different periods over the last 50 years, and were mixed together by someone who had little clue how to make it sound even. But when you've never recorded anything in your life, you don't care how uneven it sounds because it's better than any of the recordings you made on your shoebox tape recorder.

I don't know who's singing with Jerry, but she's not any fucking pleasure to listen to either. They sound like a bad imitation of Johnny Cash and June Carter. Here's a song which contains the lyric "You can't change the spots on a leper." The overall mood of the song makes me want to drink home brew, eat beans, and kill myself.

Listen to Spots


 - Portage La Prarie, Manitoba - 




Song Hits SH-24-B

I know that there's more in this series of 45s because I left one behind for being so scratched that it looked unplayable. When I bought this, I honestly didn't know if I was getting originals or cheap imitations. The lack of a big name record label is usually a dead giveaway, but sometimes a bootlegger will surprise you.

These are shitty. Very shitty. "Memphis" would have been unrecognizable if it weren't for the opening riff, "Surf City" was likely sung by people in wheelchairs who have never surfed in their life, and "So Much In Love" has so much soul, it causes the singer to sounds like Lou Reed. It was the perfect one to feature here.

Listen to "So Much In Love"


Super Rock Hits - A Tribute To Various Artists Vol. 5

This is another offering from Sound Alike Music. From what I can tell, it's basically a compilation of the garbage they've previously offered on other tapes . The Alice Cooper tracks are the exact same ones as the tribute album they put out.

I love the fact that the "Vol.5" listed on the cover isn't actually part of the artwork, but is a sticker plastered onto it. I'm guessing the artwork for Volumes 1 through 4 are exactly the same with the appropriate stickers slapped on top. Gotta cut costs somewhere when you're making crappy tribute 8-tracks!

The one I picked off this masterpiece is the Lou Reed song. I'm trying to figure out if the guy is actually singing better than Lou Reed, or if he's struggling to sounds as bad as him. The track is hilarious either way! Just like all the other SAM 8-tracks, I had difficulty getting this one to play reliably.

Listen to Walk On The Wild Side


Book: Little Red Riding Hood

Straight out of 1979! Why is it that most books with still images of dolls acting out stories are so fucking creepy? Red Riding Hood is the most normal looking doll in the book, but check out this picture of the wolf dressed up as grandma:

Talk about birth defects! The wolf's mother was a meth addict. Now here's a picture of Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Woodsman:

The Woodsman's looks as if he's ready to kill Grandma. Look at his eyes. Why are they blue? Who the hell has eyes like that? Also, dig the picture of the shrooms on the wall. Far out, man! Perhaps that explains everything.

I've got lots more coming from the Junq Tour. I hit up two major thrift stores last week and came out with tons of crap, so there's plenty more on the way.

Book: Porn For Women

Before I start off with this blog entry, I'm going to show you something...



Yep, that's my truck's engine. Some little fucking rodent decided that THIS was the perfect place to build a nest for having babies. Not only did they pack a shitload of dried grass in there, they also deemed some of the wiring unnecessary and chewed them apart to make room for the impending family.

It took me three hours to clear all the grass out and fix the wiring. I bought myself a new BB gun this past winter, and I've been dying to try it out. I'm going to take a day and sit in my back yard shooting the many rodents that pass through. Hopefully I'll get the one who made this mess.

Anyway, on to what I'm REALLY here to tell you about. I'm about to show you the most disgusting book I've ever laid my eyes upon. All the male readers of this blog may need intense therapy after seeing this sick piece of literature which needs to be banned from this world.

And so, I bring you this...





Now, when I think of the term "Hunkier", I don't think of a more attractive male. Instead, I think of a more Ukrainian Ukrainian. If this book were about extremely Ukrainian Ukrainians, I wouldn't be complaining. But instead, we get a bunch of faggy sissy boys who have overdosed on estrogen and have cut off their penises.

Now, I could completely understand this book if the men were displaying more elements of testosterone, but they sadly remind me of 1950s women. Let's take a look at a few pages, shall we?


FAG.


Don't cry, ya WIMP.


Well, then go fuck a porcelain doll


Why don't you use them, ya pussy?


I'll bet they ripped your balls off when you got them waxed.


This should read "I'd rather fuck a beached whale, so load up ya skinny bitch"

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture. These are just women with facial hair. They really don't have penises nor testosterone. This is on the same level as a Martha Stewart book, and even SHE has more testosterone than these douchebags.

This book probably ruined the lives of the guys who posed in them. Imagine if one of their best buddies got ahold of this book and showed it to everyone, including posting it on facebook? The dumbass who posed in the book would kill himself. There's absolutely NO going back from doing something as embarrasing as this. SHAME on the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative for releasing this awful book.

Also available: Porn for New Moms. I may use that one to bait the nest-building rodent.

Junq Tour 2010: Ashern

Just take a look at this thrift store:



Walls and piles full of junk. This picture doesn't even do justice for how much crap is in this store. It's really a shame that this is the best thing about Ashern. Everything else pretty much sucks. Anyway, here's what I found...

Peanuts Cook Book (1974)

 

This is a weird one. It's got a bunch of Peanuts comics on one page, and some fairly basic recipes on the other page. What can you cook out of this? Well, there's Dog Food, A Cheese & Tomato Sandwich, Lemonade, Carrots, Cinnamon Toast, and a few others. Not sure why they put this one in, since I doubt many kids would like Prunes:



I dare all of you out there to make this and tell me it's tasty.


Jake Chenier - Pizza Paradise



Jake Chenier may look like Raffi, but he sounds like a man who is nicer than Mr. Rogers. He's got a very happy, non-threatening voice. The songs on this tape are dumb enough to classify it as a children's album. I must admit, I actually do like the acapella "Banana Split" song. Thank god the entire album wasn't full of songs about pizza (only two are). But this song is kinda lame. It's about a dumbass who keeps trying to get a pizza from the same place. Every time he places an order, the entire staff fucks off for a vacation.

Listen to "Pizza, My Heart's Delight"


Ike Turnpike & The Ditchcombers sing Roadkill



I really wasn't sure what to think of an album containing songs such as "Road Kill Junkie" and "Dining and Dancing at the Road Kill Cafe". I was hoping it would be funny... Like REALLY REALLY hoping that it would be funny.

It's not. It's stupid. How stupid is it? The entire ALBUM is about eating roadkill, whether it be freshly killed by an 18 wheeler, or rotting in the ditch for the last week. I never for the life of me would have thought ANYBODY could write an entire album about roadkill, but here it is. How in bloody hell did they get a record deal? Oh wait, the record label is located in Winnipeg. We've been pretty desperate to find the next Guess Who, haven't we?

Here's the song "Road Killer's Waltz"



Fisher Price Tape (circa 1985)



This mostly has some 80s music recorded on it and side 2 is blank. However, the end of side 1 contained something quite interesting. It sounds like a couple of teenagers playing with a circuit-bent Speak n' Spell. It's pretty funny listening to the toy spew out random crap while these kids try to interpret what it's doing.

Listen here!

If you've never seen a Speak n' Spell (let alone a circuit-bent one), you're in luck. Someone created an online simulation of a circuit-bent Speak n' Read so you can make your own crazy noises! Click here to play with it!





And now, for the coolest thing I found....



A Q-Bert Mini-Arcade!

This thing is the ONLY way portable gaming should be done! Four C Cells, a joystick, and a vacuum fluorescent display! Q-bert's body consists of a pair of legs and a ball for a head. The legs are also used to simulate Wrong Way / Ugg. Coily (the snake) has his own image.

How the hell do I know all their names? I owned the incredibly crappy Q-Bert board game at one point in my life which had all their names written on a die to decide who moves. The board game version was dreadfully awful.

Anyway, this Mini-Arcade works 100% and doesn't have any rust in the battery compartment. It's also a load of fun to play! There seem to be a couple of "features" missing that are present in the console version; Slick (that little green guy who changes all the colors back) doesn't make an appearance, and the green ball doesn't show up in any way, shape, or form.

I was going to make a video of the thing working, but someone else already did that. I'm lazy, so here's their video of the little machine working. The guy playing is either not very good, or he just doesn't give a shit.



Next on the Junq Tour? I don't know. It might be the thrift store in Lundar. It depends on how good/bad/stupid the one item I picked up is.

Some Interesting Finds This Week

I'm putting up my Christmas entry on the first of December (hopefully), so I figured I'd fill the time with some interesting stuff I've come across during the week.


Iced Tea from Taiwan



I had a client give me a couple of these drinks while I was doing some work for him. I usually enjoy trying new things, but I have to admit, I was a little bit afraid when I initially took a sip of the Green Tea. I didn't want to offend him by making a yucky face, but I lucked out - it wasn't too bad.

The reason why I was a initially afraid was because of an experience I had trying a new drink. Many Canadians shop at a store called "The Real Canadian Superstore" and they have an aisle dedicated to "Foods from Around The World". My dad shops at Superstore, and always buys the stuff that has been tossed in the "Reduced to Clear" bin.

One day (when I was a teenager), he came home with a load of groceries. He said "Here, try this drink I bought for ten cents." It was a bottle of Poppy Seed Juice. Of course, not being afraid of trying anything new, I took a long swig. My eyes bulged, and I immediately spit it out in the sink. And there's my dad, sitting there laughing at me. If you've ever eaten a dozen roses, you'll know exactly what it tastes like. On the plus side, my breath smelled like grandma's flower bed.

Anyway, back to the iced tea. I figured I'd look at the ingredients to see what was in it and noticed the instructions. Not only does this drink quench your thirst, but it also predicts the weather:



Service Instructions for RCA DVD Recorder (Model DRC8052NB)

I got a job to transfer some home videos for a friend of a friend, and I've been having trouble with the two DVD recorders I own. They're both acting goofy in the same way, so I emailed RCA's customer service and asked if there was any firmware updates. They didn't give any, but they sent me these instructions on how to reset the unit:

There are no firmware updates for these models.

You can try to reset the unit using the procedure below:

Let the unit sit with the AC power cord out of the wall for a couple of hours. Then hit the power button 10-15 times (with the AC power cord still out of the wall socket!) and then try again.

Really, really bizarre.


Creepy Corkscrew



I bought this creepy looking Sommelier corkscrew for three dollars which came in it's original plastic case. The reasons I bought it were: 1) It's creepy and 2) it looked like it was silver plated (it was sealed in a bag when I found it, so I couldn't really tell). Turns out that it IS silver plated, and some antique websites have valued this thing between $100-$200. Nice!


Book: The Vanishing Redhead



This is just wrong, especially for a children's book. It has a copyright year of 1948, and was published by Raphael Tuck & Sons LTD. I haven't read it. The book is barely being held together by it's original paper and glue, the pages are very yellow, and the printing is a bit blurry. However, I don't doubt that it's chok full of political incorrectness. I could just imagine an ad for this company:

Hey Kids! If you liked The Vanishing Redhead, here are some other derogitory books you might enjoy:

The Magical Nigger
The Faggot God Killed
The Rice-Picking Gook
Spongebob Squarehead's Concentration Camp

Available at a bookstore run by a local Whitey.

Junq Tour 2009: The Pas

The more I explore thrift stores in little towns, the more I believe that the people in these towns have a spectacular knack to find the stupidest and shittiest things, and buy them. Perhaps it's because of the lack of information such as radio stations, or even TV channels. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for those people for finding these items and then dumping them at the thrift store once the novelty has worn off.

I swear, the finds are getting more and more interesting. Just wait until I post my findings from Ashern...

I found a cramped, but nifty thrift store while I was in The Pas.

The first item is a book called "The Lonely Doll" written by Dare Wright:



This is a heartwarming children's story (published in 1957) about a lonely doll who takes in a papa bear and a baby bear so she won't be lonely anymore. When Papa bear leaves the doll and baby bear alone, they start playing with makeup and dressing up in adult clothes. When the Papa bear returns, he beats the ever-living piss out of both of them. The two bears then proceed to tell the doll to shut the fuck up.

If you don't believe me, read it for yourself:

  

  

The cool thing about this book is that it came with a free gift... a FINGER PUPPET!!!!



In case some of you have never seen a finger puppet, here's how it works. You cut one out of a children's activity book and cut out the holes.

You then put your fingers through the holes and voila! The puppet now has breasts.



The video section of the thrift store was overloaded with workout videos and sports blooper tapes. I picked up two videos. The first one was a still-sealed copy of "Best Ever Sleepover", but that one made me nauseous. The best part of the video was the out-takes during the credits, where the 'little brother' takes a corn chip, scrapes some of the all-natural facial mask off one of his sister's friends, and then eats it. But it just wasn't worth the bandwidth to put it up.

The other gem I found was created by a bunch of over-zealous Christians who drank a little bit too much of Christ's blood, and decided to piss out this marvelous creation:



Gospel Aerobics is just wrong on so many levels. In the past, I have played you workout albums by Charlene Prickett and Good Housekeeping. We also got to see what a bitch Alyssa Milano was for going off and dancing in a smoke-filled alley while she leaves her friends doing her crappy workout.

But this is.... Just watch it:

 

Yeeeesh!! Michelle LeMay sucks as an aerobics instructor.

Book Review: Playful Pussy

Here's another item from my childhood that I managed to save. I loved the hell out of this book, and you can understand why... the pages are full of a cute, adorable pussy!

I figured this book came out in the 1970s since it was my book in the 1980s and had someone else's name penned on the corner. I did a bit of digging on the publisher (Doeisha), and the book came from Japan and was published sometime between 1950 to sometime in the 1960s, so the book is much older than I thought. It also seems like I'm the only one in the world who owns a copy of this book, since couldn't find anyone else with a copy on the internet. Some of the other books in the "My Happy Book" series have prices on them ranging between 27 and 39 cents each.

The entire book has its cardboard pages held together by 25 year old masking tape, and has mould spots and warping from leaving it out in the rain when I was around 6 years old. Regardless, I still loved this book. Now, let's go to the land of Pussy!







As we've gone through our adventure with Pussy getting wet, indulging in fish, and becoming exhausted after all the fun, you can clearly see that Playful Pussy is a book that the whole family can enjoy. A clear 10/10 rating!