Wednesday, May 4, 2022

To Mom With Hatred

I have one lowly CD to cover for Mother's day which is fast approaching. This piece of crap was released by a company called "Laughing Hyena". They were called that because they're laughing at the idiots who dropped their hard earned money on this as a last minute gift for Mother's Day. According to the Wayback Machine, their website specialized in releasing comedy albums. Well, I'm not laughing at this one. It's fucking terrible.

This CD mainly consists of lousy country music covers by a pack of lousy studio musicians. The only exception is Rock and Roll Lullaby which was already a piece of shit song before these arseholes got ahold of it.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this CD, but my audio gear seems to play it distorted. Whenever I pull it up in a wave editor, it seems to play fine. I don't think it's my equipment, but maybe I'm wrong. Feel free to comment on whether the song "Mama" sounds distorted on your end.

Anyway, I hate your mom and I'm sure she'll hate me after you play these crappy songs for her.

Listen to Rock and Roll Lullaby

Listen to Mama

Forgive the lack of content coming out from my end, but I'm working on an extremely large project that I'm hoping to release on here later this year. It's all content from my personal collection, and it's something that I've been meaning to get around to. I promise you won't be disappointed! In the meantime, I'll shit out an entry whenever I can.

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Wee Hours Minidiscs

Last summer, I attended a record sale that was held in some dingy basement of an industrial building. They were really working towards getting rid of everything they had, so they had put boxes of stuff outside for free. These boxes mainly consisted of recorded cassettes, CDs with no cases, and a few Minidiscs. Of course I had to grab multiple boxes and see what treasures were in them. The Minidiscs were the most interesting things in the lot, so today we're going to focus on those.

First of all, I'd like to comment on the Minidisc format as a whole. Back in the mid-1990s I was seriously considering getting a component Minidisc recorder, but the only place I could get one was from The Sony Store. I was hesitant on spending $300 of my hard-earned teenage money on one of these because most of my experience with Sony's electronics was abysmal. In recent years, I've owned two Sony component Minidisc players, and they were complete fucking garbage. For some reason, their portable units are much more reliable which is what I used to transfer the discs. First, I attempted to transfer the tracks using the USB port on the side of the Minidisc unit and the software that came with it, but Sony ensured that you could only transfer music onto the Minidisc and not the other way around. This is one of the many reasons this entry took so damn long to make, because I had to transfer them in real time.

As for the discs themselves, I have to say that they're quite resilient. I had to do a bit of a repair on one disc that looked like someone stepped on it. It wouldn't play, but that's because the window was pressed in, causing the disc not to move. Not only that, the disc was dirty due to the broken window allowing dirt to get through. I carefully cleaned the disc with a Q-tip, and I popped the broken window out which allowed the disc to spin. It then played flawlessly. I had to fix the metal slider on another, and it appears that one of the discs was used to hold a burning cigarette. All the discs transferred flawlessly which is a testament to their durability.

The content of these discs came from someone who worked at the University of Manitoba radio station, 101.5 FM, namely a program called "The Wee Hours" which I'm guessing aired sometime in the early morning. Some of the discs appear to be entire shows while others are just a pile of things that were used to compile the shows, namely jingles and station calls. These discs were recorded sometime around the beginning of the year 2000. 

Incidentally, I would like to thank the U of M radio station website for linking to this blog. I would also like to thank the Shazam app for helping me identify most of the songs on the discs. I know a lot of music, but a large amount of the music presented here I generally wouldn't bother with.

And now, let's get to the content!


Jingles


This is the disc that looked like it had been stepped on. Judging by the label, I knew I had to get this one to play, and I wasn't disappointed. This is mainly a collection of strange sounding station calls. If anybody knows the name of the device used to make these, I'd love to know what it is. Also, we get to hear "The World Spins" by Julee Cruise.



Unlabelled 1



This is one of the more listenable discs in the set. We're treated with songs by The Melvins, Iggy & The Stooges, Bad Brains, and ZZ Top. The first song on the disc is Wichita Fucking Lineman by Glen Campbell. There's some banter clips strewn throughout the disc, but they're not all that interesting.

There is however an ad for a bar in Winnipeg called "The Zoo", a place I both played at and attended concerts at. The current location of The Zoo is now a big hole in the ground where they've been planning to build condos for the last few years (named "Zu Living" or some shit), but there hasn't been any progress over the past few years. It's unfortunate really, since The Zoo was the hot spot for live local music.



Unlabelled 2


Lots of bumpers, skits, and retro commercials on this one. As for music, we've got bluegrass, funk, and then some Husker Du just to fuck with your head. There's also five songs performed by The Meters who are more than happy to make you hear Wichita Fucking Lineman again. Speaking of repetitiveness, you also get another play of "The World Spins" by Julee Cruise. There must be something great about this song that I just can't seem to understand.




Unlabelled 3


Apparently there are freshly baked cookies at 495 Niagra street. I looked up the address and it's somebody's house. Not sure why she's baking all these damn cookies, but now I want one. We also have some poor kid who's trying to record a bumper for the radio show, and she can't quite get it right.

As for music, we get to hear "The World Spins" by Julee Fucking Cruise again. I don't understand why this song is so important that we have to hear it three times, but even after the third play it still does absolutely nothing for me. Speaking of nothing, there's a bunch of shitty old jazz music from the stone age on here. I hate jazz music. Thankfully, there's a New Order song thrown in the middle of it all just to give a much needed break from the mindless tootling and endless dickery.




Wee Hours 2


The discs labelled "Wee Hours" appear to be actual shows since they clock in at about an hour each, although some of them have random junk tacked onto the end. I get it, Minidiscs were expensive, so why not utilize the unused space?

Anyway, this is one of the better discs with regards to music. We've got Billy Bragg, The Replacements, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and then we get a crappy Buddy Johnson song at the end.




Wee Hours 5


We have arrived at the ashtray disc which means it's time for some classics from the 1950s! We've got Elvis Presley, Carl Perkins, Gene Vincent, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Telstar Ponies and Terminator 2. Unfortunately, those last two aren't from the 1950s. They're also not the same style of music, but we've learned that consistency doesn't exactly take priority on any of these discs.




Wee Hours 7


We end off the stack with the shittiest one. It starts out great with Telstar by the Tornados, and then the ADHD kicks in and we don't hear anything of that sort again. We are forced to endure an onslaught of funk, techno, rap, and then some Louis Fucking Armstrong at the end, just to keep the consistency at bay.



This was a doozy of an entry to put together, but I think all the oddball content was certainly worth it. I promise the next one will take much less time.

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Records from the Irish Association of Manitoba & Winnipeg

I don't think I've ever done a St. Patrick's day post, but after listening to this shit, it's easy to see why I haven't bothered. Not only that, Irish stuff isn't exactly common around these parts. I suppose I could review some Newfie music since it's basically Irish music anyway, but today we have some genuine stuff so this entry won't be full of Newfie jokes. Sorry. 

I believe I snagged these 45s on one of the Junq Tours and decided to save them for this particular holiday. You may want to go start drinking and then return after you've had a few. It may make these records a bit more palatable.


The Irish Stew

Apparently, there is an Irish association of Manitoba. Now, you'd think it would be located in the town of Killarney which has the big shamrock painted in the middle of it's downtown. Instead, it's located at someone's house in Winnipeg. Heck, there probably isn't even a single Irish person in that house either.

This band covers one of my favourite Metallica songs, and they do a pretty faithful rendition of it. If you've had a few to drink, I doubt you'll be able to tell the difference. On the plus side, you'll have a fun happy time with this one even if you're sober.

Now for side B... If there was ever a drinking song, Jug of Punch is certainly it. I can't understand half of the lyrics, but when you're drunk, the lyrics don't really matter.

Listen to Whiskey in the Jar

Listen to Jug of Punch


The Irish Tavern Singers

They weren't content with just two songs on a 45, so they jammed four songs onto it. If you're half corked, 45 RPM records really aren't a good format to play since you have to flip them over and change them quite often. If you've had too many drinks, you'll probably forget to turn it over or end up playing them in your toaster oven.

This 45 is a bit warped on the edge (probably from a toaster oven), so the song "Come In" has a bit of trouble starting. This one isn't as fun as the last one, but it's unmistakably Irish and the lyrics are easier to understand. Is it me, or are Irish songs not really about anything? They usually have some tongue twisting shit in it that you'll bite your tongue off trying to recite while half pissed.

Listen to Come In

Listen to Bold O'Donahue

Listen to Hannigan's House

Listen to Hills of Connemara


Sounds Irish

Despite the name of this band, this is the least Irish sounding record out of the lot. When I think of Irish music, I think of the accordian and that squeaky flute thing. Instead, we get a banjo and an acoustic guitar. We also get a rendition of Amazing Grace which really isn't an Irish song.

Whoever named this record label "Gringe Records" did a good job. I had no idea what "Gringe" meant, so I looked it up. The Urban Dictionary defines it as "extra cringe, or worse than cringe". Or maybe it's "cringe" said with 12 shots of whiskey in your system.

Listen to Amazing Grace

Listen to The Big Strong Man


Finally, I want to share this kids show that used to air when I was a child. I fucking hated it and it's theme song is the most unprofessional piece of trash I've ever heard. Unfortunately, the Youtube "suitable for kids" category deleted the comments section. It was full of hilarious stories of how the host was an asshole piss tank. He certainly looks like one too.

Now that I got the first ever St. Patrick's Day entry out of the way, I can wait another 14 years to do the next one.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Peter Hnatiuk Discography

Yes, I'm featuring another Ukrainian-English performer from the V-Records label (except for the three albums that weren't on V-Records). My first exposure to Peter's records was as a child. We would make visits to my Ukrainian-only speaking grandmother, and I'd sit and play her records for hours, looking for something interesting to hear. The first Peter Hnatiuk album I ever heard was the "You Gotta Be Kidding" album. I fondly remember the songs "Sweet Violets" and "Rye Whiskey", but I was also confused by the amount of canned laughter and applause that was used and repeated on the album. I always wondered (and to some degree still do) wonder where they stole it from.

Fortunately, Peter sings songs in both Ukrainian and English. Some of the best examples are on his album "If I Was Prime Minister". While transferring his albums (and to my knowledge, I own all of them), I decided to start at the very beginning of his recording career, just to see how things evolved right up to his last recorded effort in 1985.

The bulk of Peter's best work, including the incredibly absurd album covers occurred in what is arguably the core of V-Records' best years. After recording 11 albums, Peter curiously left V-Records in 1968 and his output slowed down over the next two decades. He passed away in 1994 at 60 years old. There is a very poorly written biography/obituary on Peter at this website. According to whoever wrote it, Peter retired from professional recording in the year 19990, just over 17000 years after his death. Great job, guys.

Anyway, let's dive into the albums. There's 16 of them to cover along with a few notable others...



Tommy Buick Presents a Ukrainian Wedding

01 - Wedding Presentation Melody
02 - Syva Kobyla Kolomayka
03 - E Shumyt E Hudyt
05 - Good Husband
06 - Ye-Byk Doma
07 - The Last Drink
08 - Woman Driver
09 - Bride's Waltz
10 - Gail's Polka
11 - White Gardenia Polka
12 - Wedding March

Hey! This is a Tommy Buick album! What gives??? 

This is the second album released in V-Records' extensive catalog. Peter's distinct voice is featured on most of the songs here. He essentially got his start being a singer for Tommy Buick's band. You will notice two more Tommy Buick albums in this discography, along with some of Peter's albums being backed by Tommy Buick's band.

Since I got this album sealed, it was transferred digitally for it's first spin. The audio quality is exactly what you would expect from a 1960s Winnipeg record label releasing their second album.



Ukrainian Folk & Love Songs Vol 1

01 - Lovers Waltz
03 - Chornay Orel
04 - Kohut
05 - Rich Girl Poor Girl
06 - Cymbaly Polka
07 - The Unlucky Lover
08 - Black Eyes
09 - Cher Wona Rooza
10 - Cossack Love Song
11 - Loom Hom Too Hom
12 - Hania's Polka

This album sounds very different from Peter in his "classic" years, but you have to start somewhere. Each side end with a song played on the cymbaly (also known as a dulcimer) which Peter was extremely talented at playing. Also, according to my notes, there is a bad tape dropout on side 2 although I can't remember where. This was pressed onto the vinyl and not due to any error in my transfer.



Ukrainian Folk & Love Songs Vol 2

02 - Ukrainian Heel & Toe
03 - Holubka
04 - The Young Lovers
05 - My Neighbours
06 - Zahodochka
07 - Between The Mountains
08 - The Gay Dancers
09 - Balamoota
10 - Orphan Lament
11 - At Sundown
12 - Maidens Lament

More of the same as volume one except with no cymbaly instrumentals at the end of each side



Tommy Buick Presents A Ukrainian Wedding Vol. 2

01 - Brides Presentation
02 - The Working Villager
03 - Courting Problem
05 - Be Good To My Daughter
06 - Rolisia Polka
07 - Farmers Polka
08 - Tommy's Polka
09 - Bev's Polka
10 - Mom's Waltz
11 - Mazurka Waltz
12 - Valley River Polka

Another Tommy Buick album with Peter singing on the majority of it. Ukrainian weddings are quite a common theme on many of these records, and I wish I could say I've attended one. They're probably a very drunken good time!



Light-hearted Ukrainian Favourites 

01 - Yebik No. 1
02 - Yebik No. 2
04 - Under The Cherry Tree
05 - Toomba Toomba
06 - Cymbaly Kolomayka
07 - Kolomayka No. 1
09 - Arkon
10 - Mushroom Song
11 - Beside The Woodlands
12 - Sunday Polka

Peter is starting to come into his form on this album with "light-hearted" (read: not so serious) Ukrainian songs. Tommy Buick's band backs Pete's vocals. The album is pretty good!

Strangely, there are two different covers for this album. I'm not sure if the real girl complained about her picture being used on the cover, or if K Records complained about V-Records stealing their artwork which I've provided below. I'd love to know the story behind this!


10 Little Bottles

01 - 10 Little Bottles
02 - Wishing & Thinking
03 - A Hospital Checkup
04 - Marusia
05 - Country Polka
06 - Unfaithful Husband
08 - Pete's Kolomayka 2
09 - The Widow Song
10 - Under The Oak
11 - The Old Mill
12 - Mother's Lament

Tommy Buick again backs Peter on this album. I find the albums with Tommy Buick have a distinct sound from the albums where Pete has his own band. This is another good album, and it sounds like Peter is playing quite a bit of cymbaly on this one.



Horeevka Party

01 - Pete's Horeevka Song Part 1
02 - Lay That Pistol Down Pete
03 - Pete's Horeevka Song Part 2
04 - Ten Gallon Stephen
05 - I Gotta Travel On
06 - Out Of Our Mind
07 - I'm Sick, Sober & Sorry
10 - She Thinks I Still Care
12 - Night Wind Waltz

Pronounced "Hor-you-ko", which is the Ukrainian word for whiskey. This is the first album that I would consider to be "classic" Peter Hnatiuk, where his sound really became his. There's a lot of drunken dialogue on Side 1, so if you speak English only, this is probably not the best one for you to dive into. Someone is singing backup with Peter, and there's no credits on the album that tell me who it is.



I Wish I Was Single Again

01 - Six More Miles
02 - When My Blue Moon Turns To Gold
03 - Wreck On The Highway
04 - I Wish I Was Single Again
06 - No One Will Ever Know
07 - I Still Miss Someone
08 - Mansion On The Hill
09 - Please Release Me
10 - Goodnite Irene
11 - Cheating A Sin
12 - Yellow Bird

We've got another one with Tommy Buick. These are all old country songs that are sung in Peter's unique style. Despite the amusing cover, I personally think this is one of Peter's weakest albums, but that may be from my inability to understand Ukrainian.



Tommy Buick Goes Ukrainian Western with Peter Hnatiuk

01 - Springtime In The Rockies
02 - The Birds Are Singing
03 - Songbirds Are Singing In Heaven
04 - Carmel By The Sea
05 - Fraulein
07 - The Prisoner's Song
08 - I'm So Lonesome Today
09 - At Mail Call Today
10 - Crying Heart Blues
11 - Are You Teasing Me
12 - Sweeter Than The Flower

And now for one last album with Tommy Buick. This is pretty much a continuation of the last album, featuring more covers of old country songs.



You Gotta Be Kidding

02 - Marriage Experiences
04 - Marriage - Old Style
05 - Wedding Presentation
06 - A Visit To The Doctor
07 - Deck of Card - Ukrainian Style
08 - Army Days Pete Style
09 - Army Doctor Verse Pete
10 - Variety Kolomayka
11 - Back From The Army Pete
12 - Seven Years - With The Wrong Woman
13 - Pete The Politician

This was my first exposure to Pete's music. There is a lot of dialog on here and the canned laughter is absolutely terrible, but there's a couple of really good songs on here. I have no clue where the canned laughter was taken from, but some of the other albums in Pete's discography suggest an old sound effects record.



Don't Get Married Son

01 - The Happy Widow
02 - Dom-Nee-Tay-Ish-When
03 - Bingo Crazy
04 - Clementine
06 - Poor Farmer
07 - Extra Gang Days
08 - No Beer In Heaven
09 - Orange Blossom Kolomayka
10 - Veen Ne Mee Milay
11 - Chomoo
12 - Don't Get Married Son

What a magnificent album cover! In my opinion, this album represents the definitive Peter Hnatiuk sound. This and the next two entries make this the ultimate trilogy of classic Pete. The songs on here are excellent and the band is fantastic.



If I Were Prime Minister

01 - The Covered Wagon
02 - Mary and Bill
03 - Pompeye
04 - Please Re-Grease Me
05 - Mayoo Dohi
06 - Nema-Nema-Diwchini
07 - If I Was Prime Minister
08 - Taye Yoho Nema
09 - Off To Gilbert Plains With Brew
11 - Married To Hard Labour

This is arguably Pete's best album. There is lots of English on it, the songs are all catchy (including the absolutely bizarre cover of "Popeye The Sailor Man"), and it has the classic Pete sound. I have no clue who the other guy is singing on this as there are absolutely no credits for any of the other performers. I know for certain it's not his brother Nick. If I ever find out who it is, I'll be sure to update this spot.

Peter seems to have mastered a new instruments for the recording of this album... a bicycle horn! It shows up in the most absurd spots, sounds ridiculous, and it works extremely well. I can listen to this album all day and never lose my smile.



Hell's A Poppin

01 - Welcoming Kolomayka
02 - Censored Kolomayka
05 - Ukrainian Roulette
06 - Hopper - Grass
07 - Unknown Polka
08 - Mule Tren
09 - Intro Polka
10 - Tam Doornay
11 - Samsyo Petrolovich
12 - The Haunted Lover's House
13 - Confused Kolomayka
14 - How Dry I Am
15 - Too Fat Polka
16 - Dead End Polka

Peter goes out with a bang for his last V-Records effort. It sounds like the entire band got completely shit-faced drunk, performed with the tape machine running non-stop, and edited the hell out of it afterwards. There's sound effects that are poorly spliced in, obvious cuts of dialogue, and self-censoring where they remembered to do so. The bicycle horn even comes along for the ride. I can't help but wonder if the session for this recording was the reason that Peter never recorded again for V-Records, or if the reasons were completely non-related. I can only guess this was one hell of a crazy recording session!

Every time I listen to this album, the more I enjoy it due to how absurdly bizarre it is. I don't think V-Records ever released anything else that comes close to being this crazy. If you like really strange records, you'll enjoy this one.

Given all the edits on this album, I would love to hear an uncensored copy (if one exists) of this session. If anyone has the master tapes for this particular V-Record, please let me know!



Peter Hnatiuk Goes To a Ukrainian Wedding

01 - Bride Leaving Her Home
02 - Bride's Blessing
03 - Marriage Vows
04 - Arriving At Home
05 - Wedding March
06 - Waltz For Bride & Groom
07 - Rah Chah Polka
08 - Nobody To Live With
09 - Vecela Kolomyka
10 - Wedding Presentation
11 - Father's Toast To Son
12 - Kabasayou Polka
14 - Bride's First Night
15 - Presentation Polka
16 - Jolly Good Fellow
17 - Mnohaya Lita

This is Peter's first venture outside V-records, on the short-lived Eagle Records. To my knowledge, It's the only album he did on this label. It appears to be a scripted story with songs thrown in. The recording quality is actually decent, but I wouldn't consider it to be one of Pete's best albums.

I found a re-release of this album by "Baba's Records" on compact disc and it's dreadfully awful. Someone put the entire album through a click & pop filter and added a layer of reverb to it. It sounds hollow and terrible (as all of the Baba's Records releases that I've heard). I will be honoring the actual Eagle Records release by providing a transfer of the LP. However, the record is warped on the edge, so you'll hear a "whirr" noise for the first bit on sides a and b. Someone left it sitting upright on the stove I guess.



12 Goofy Ukrainian Hits

02 - The Pills
03 - Oie Staraw
04 - Hospital Stay
05 - Combination (underwear)
06 - Ukr. Jingle Bells
07 - 12 Days of Holiday
08 - The Metro System
09 - PHFFFT
10 - The Non Drinker
11 - The Smoker's Song
12 - Fee-Faw

His first (and likely only) entry on Sunshine Records (which I believe was sort of a replacement for V-Records). Despite the title, it's not a greatest hits album. It's an album of entirely new recordings. The recording quality is excellent which is almost strange to hear from one of Pete's albums. This is probably the best post-V-Records release of his. 



Peter & Nick Hnatiuk - Together Again

01 - Chorney Orel
02 - Zvidky Zviyalysia Vitry
03 - Lover's Waltz
04 - Marshall's Polka
06 - Oy U Zelenim Hayu
07 - Oy Vidse Hora
08 - Cherez Sosidonky
09 - Kozak's Love Song
10 - Altaneer's Polka

Peter's brother Nick decided to have a music career of his own (although not nearly as successful as Peter's), and Peter decided to join his brother on this album. I have next to no knowledge of Lily Records, but Nick released some of his albums on this label. To my knowledge, this was Peter's last music-related release before his death in 1994. In all honesty, I think this album sucks. The music is terrible, it's got 1980s over-production on it, Nick's afro is terrible, and the songs lack the quirkiness that appeared in most of Peter's previous releases. However, Peter gets to return to the cymbaly on this one, but it's buried in the terrible mix. The accordion is too loud and the drums are too quiet. If I'm honest, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between this and a shitty Bobby Vinton polka album. All the V-Records releases seemed to have more life to them for some reason. Modern polka and waltz recordings sound like cheezy mush, and Nick's albums are no exception.

While we're on the subject, here's two other albums that Nick released. I'm not providing download links to them solely because Nick is not the focus of this entry. These sound just as mushy as the one with Pete.




Cymbaly Contest Albums


I covered these album in this entry. Pete performed on both of them, and won the competition on the 1972 album. He also performed one song. Check out this link if you want more details on these two releases.



Roy Mykytyshyn Sets Your Hearts On Fire


Peter performed with Roy on the song SOB. It sounds like the both of them were in the liquor cabinet.



Dennis Lischynski's Tribute to Peter Hnatiuk


This album is only worth mentioning because it has Peter's name splashed on the front of it. From what I can tell, it doesn't contain a single song that Peter did and is NOT a genuine tribute album.

Friday, February 11, 2022

Super Romantic Greeting Card CDs

Valentines Day is upon us! For those of you who have a partner who lives far away (and is probably fucking around on you), you can maintain your true love for each other by mailing them a CD with some generic background music on it. Yes, background music can keep the love alive between two people. If you don't believe me, then perhaps these CDs will prove you wrong. However, that doesn't mean you can't use these to increase the passion in the bedroom. After all, these CDs are supposed to be full of romance.

I covered one of these CDs here. Now I appear to have many of the others in the series. After doing a Google search, it appears there are even more of them floating around out there.

These were produced by the Allegro corporation; the same guys who did those shitty Solitudes CDs. You'll be happy to know they went tits up in 2016.

And now, on to the romance...


Forever Yours

This one contains "beautiful melodies of guitar and piano blended with nature sounds." Personally, I like the sound of crows and cats fighting which probably would have been more fun in the bedroom. The album starts off with the sound of someone running a bath or something. Then we get some fake instruments played on a high-end Casio. Then the fake birds decide to chime in. The music is fucking boring.

The second song starts with the sound of a jungle. I guess she forgot to shave.

The song "Long a Growing" is probably about the Viagra kicking in.

Track 7 is called "Playa Blanca". Perfect for letting her know that you're fucking around with another woman.

Listen to Playa Blanca


Our Love

Contains "beautiful melodies of hammer dulcimer". Who the hell is "Hammer Dulcimer"? Sounds like a Jewish rapper. Shouldn't it say "beautiful melodies played on the hammer dulcimer"? As a side note, I actually like the sound of the dulcimer. Unfortunately, that's the only instrument you're going to hear. They couldn't even be bothered to mix in some shitty nature sounds on this one (or a Jewish rapper).

The song "She Boeg She Mor" is spelled wrong. Also, I would never have sex to dulcimer music.

Listen to Rock The Cradle Joe / Soldier's Joy


For Love Everlasting

Contains "a gorgeous blend of acoustic guitar, harp and violin". In other words, it's really boring.

They did another version of the song "Shee Bheg Shee Mhor" which is spelled right at least in some countries. This is probably the most uninteresting CD of the lot. She'll probably fall asleep while you're doing foreplay. Unfortunately, I think I got erectile dysfunction listening to this one.

Listen to Danny Boy


Just For You

Contains "beautiful melodies of piano." I honestly have no problem with piano music, and this disc is probably the most listenable of the lot. It's recorded very well, and I could see my face planted between her legs while listening to this one.

The song "Air on a G string" is about her farting before you take off her panties.

Listen to As Two Become One

Listen to Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring


You're The One

Contains "a beautiful blend of acoustic guitar and nature sounds." Bring in the frogs and crickets!

Whenever you have a sole acoustic guitar performance, it's usually jazz or spanish shit which is exactly what we have here. The bonus about this kind of music is when you fuck up a note or a chord, nobody will notice.

Track 2 has crashing waves and flute. There was no warning about a flute on the back! I got dumped because she doesn't like the flute!

Listen to Moonlight Beach


In light of the romantic feelings I got from this batch of CDs, I decided to make my own romantic instrumental track. It has beautiful acoustic guitar, piano, and nature sounds. I'm sure I will make many babies while listening to this song, and I hope you will too. Perhaps making these will be my future career!

Listen to Wish You Were Here In My Motorboat During a Rain Storm

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Altona

We've reached our final destination of the Junq Tour, and there's a lot to cover here. Things haven't improved on the music front since last time. If anything, it's probably a bit worse.


Apryl Dawn = When God Dips His Love

I told you Apryl Dawn would be back! Thankfully, The Sandersons are taking a back seat on this one. Unfortunately, it's just a back seat and not a back road. They're still present on this recording, but they're a bit more buried in the mix.

So, I have a question. Why does Apryl Dawn get stuck with these horrendous song titles? The last album had her singing "He Pours His Love All Over My Face" or something along those lines. Now, God's dipping his love into places where God shouldn't be dipping his love. From what I gather, it's The Sandersons writing all these somewhat perverted songs for Apryl to sing. I'm surprised that Kate didn't interrupt Apryl again on this album to announce how visually impaired she is.

Anyway, Apryl is still talented and the songs still suck.

Listen to When God Dips His Love


Ernie Hiebert - All The Love

This is an album put out by Silver Shit Streams in 1986. I didn't realize that they've been around for that long, and it seems they used to release albums by people who had at least an ounce of talent. This is your run-of-the-mill "Blum-pling Blum-pling" guitar music which I'm sure will excite most of you. I'm sure you'll enjoy his rendition of everybody's favourite Bon Jovi song.

Listen to Bed of Roses


Mr. Ken - Smiles Around The World

This album was sealed, but that seems to be common with a lot of crappy albums. Children are probably creeped out by this guy and are scared to listen to his songs. Just look at this picture from the booklet:

I reviewed one Mr. Ken album here, but I think he sings much worse on this one. He also found some kids who can't sing either. On the plus side, the music itself is pretty fun. It sounds kinda like Ween, except it takes itself a bit more seriously.

The QR code on the back of the album takes you to a Chinese lottery website. I guess I lost.

Listen to Make a Smile

Listen to Under The Big Top Tent


Virginia Ridge - Get On Board That Glory Train

Yes! Please get on that glory train and get the fuck out of here. And take your shitty drum-less album with you.

Listen to Wings of Angels

Listen to The Music Of My Memories


The Dutton Family - The Water is Wide

These wimps decided to tackle the aggressive country hit "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". It doesn't work, not only because the Dutton Family is in Utah, but also because they sing like a bunch of wimps. I'm pretty sure that if the Devil went down to Utah, they would be crying in a corner. On the plus side, they can actually play their instruments which would give them a slight chance at winning a fiddle of gold.

Listen to The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Listen to Grandpa


The Flirtations - Out On The Road

Guess what? It's another Yuckapella album! However, this one is made up entirely of gay men. Normally, you'd have to wonder if any acapella group is made up of gay men, but this one is genuine. Check out the copyright disclaimer:

Unfortunately, there's at least one more album by these guys out there.

I have two major problems with this album. First of all, it's acapella. I hate acapella. Second, the songs on here are all parodies with a gay slant. I think "Boy from New York City" would have been fine on its own, but they changed all the words so you can't sing along. I mean, the lyrics are mildly amusing, but they've been altered to make a statement. I'm pretty sure people would be quite angry if I took the song "Candle in the Wind" and added lyrics about Donald Trump to it.

The third problem with this album is that the track listing on the inlay incorrectly puts "Johnny Angel" at the beginning of side 2 when it's at the end of side 1. This makes it difficult to find the song I want. I guess someone had their mind on a big juicy cock instead of getting the track order correct.

Listen to Boy From New York City

Listen to So Much In Love


Randolph Ringers

Randolph the red nosed ringer, had a very shitty album...

This is just as bad as listening to the acapella album, except all the gay people have been replaced with hand bells. This album could have sounded really pretty, but because it was recorded by Silver Shit Streams, it sounds like a shrill piece of a car dragging along the highway.

Listen to Music Box Dancer


Jake & Hilda Friesen - Music Memories

Hey look! It's the Everly Brothers! Oh wait, one of them is a woman. Never mind.

This duo easily falls apart when they're playing faster than their walkers can move. Not only that, Hilda is an absolutely atrocious singer. She will make your listening experience much more difficult. Thanks, Hilda.

Listen to Ashes of love

Listen to Truck Driving Man

Listen to Home Sweet Home


Family Circle - Longing For Heaven

Silver Shit Streams must have a bigger problem with drummers than Spinal Tap does. No drums to be found yet again. All we have is screechy women, screechy violins, and a crappy guitar buried in the mix. Incidentally, why does the guitar sound the fucking same on all these recordings? It always sounds like they're strumming right by the bridge and it's always somewhat out of tune.

If you have squeaky brakes on your car, you're going to appreciate the musical value in that more than this pile of shit.

Listen to I Forgive

Listen to I Will Never Turn Back

Listen to Come See Me


Southern Country Gospel - If That Isn't Love

This album is brought to you by the Petkau family (pronounced "Pet Cow"). A pet cow isn't very good at tuning instruments, and neither is anybody in this group. As per usual, nobody owns a fucking drum set. You'd think they could at least slap a cardboard box or something to give the songs a little bit of substance.

In case your wondering, no, my tape deck is not broken. That's just how badly their instruments are out of tune.

Listen to I Can't Picture Me Without You

Listen to If That Isn't Love


Custom Music CD - O Come Angel Band Vol. 18

Does anybody know here I can get the other 17 volumes? After listening to this, I feel like my life needs them.

This album contains hits such as "O com Angel Band" and "The Old Cuntry Church". There's something to be said about old cuntry women, but I probably can't repeat it.

The sound on this one is tinny, awful, and out of time. On the plus side, you never know what surprises are going to pop up in each song. I would have put the entire thing up for downloading, but it won't play past the old cunt song. We will never truly know how many treasures were buried on this album.

Listen to I'll Fly Away

Listen to A Home In Heaven


Wow, it took a long time to get through all that trash. I have something in my queue pile I'm excited to get to, so now we shall commence with 2022's pile of dog shit. See you soon!