Wednesday, July 10, 2019

CDs from the Queue Box

While I was sorting throught my blog queue box, I found some CDs that didn't really belong in any sort of category, so they became a category of their own. I have named this category "What In The Fuck Kind Of Band Is This?" Let's explore together! - Pocket Change

A few years ago, I went with a friend to go see the band Iron Maiden. I was excited because the band Dream Theater was opening up for them during the entire tour. Much to my surprise, the concert I attended was the only one during the tour that didn't have Dream Theater. Instead we got this fucking band. Who the hell puts a "dot C.A." at the end of their band name? does! It should have been Automan.crap.

Anyway, was booed after every single song. After 20 minutes, they quit playing their set. The only applause they got was when they pulled their banner down. What a good time.

Honestly, these guys aren't the worst band I've ever heard, but imagine these cornballs opening up for Iron Maiden. I mean, look at these guys!

The singer is the drummer from the Killer Dwarfs. Why is it that drummers always think they're multi-talented?

Listen to Give An Inch Take A Mile

Krupke - The Pony You Always Wanted Died Today

According to the credits, this album was recorded at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Studios. I have to admit I bought this one for the title. Some of the songs included are "Monday", "Monday?" and "Rape Play". This album sounds like a soundtrack to a satanic musical. It's bizarre, but not in a completely bad way. But then again, I enjoy music that's a bit fucked up, and this almost fits right into that mold. My biggest complaint about it is the songs all kinda sound the same. This makes it intolerable for me. If you're gonna play fucked up music, at least diversify the songs. This is just a long, drawn out musical who's songs don't have anything truly memorable about them. The best song on here is the first one called "I'm Sorry Your Pony Died". It's short, stupid, and perfect. I just wish the rest of the album was.

Listen to I'm Sorry Your Pony Died

The Pump Girls

Still sealed because I bought it at the dollar store.

When the CD started up, I felt the vomit churning in my stomach with it's "Whoop! Whoop!" screaming in my ears. The lyrical content brought the vomit up to the top of my neck. "We're the Pump girls in a Pump world!" What the fuck is a "Pump world"? Is it flooded, hence the need for pumps? The world will be flooded with my vomit if I continue listening to this trash.

I assumed this album came out in the late 1980s, but after scouring the liner notes, I found out it's actually from 1997. Whoever made the music for this album has been locked in a closet since 1988.

According to the liner notes, this album is supposed to help with your diabetes. How? Does it inject your insulin? Does it regulate your blood sugar? Does it sing your pancreas back to life? Personally, I'd rather die from the effects of diabetes than listen to this piece of shit for the rest of my life.

I'll admit, the song "Winter Sunshine" is okay for 1985. However, "Not Too Young To Rock And Roll" is a feeble attempt at 50s rock and roll and is the worst "rock" song I've ever heard. I tried to get more information about the band, but their website is dead. I hope they didn't die from Diabetes. Their album may be shit, but I'm not that mean. At least not this time.

We're The Pump Girls (the non-dance version)
We're Havin' a Party

Vigoramity - Glass Roses

Singing isn't something this band is any good at. Nor songwriting. Nor making real music. Nor mixing. I'm not kidding, this is bad. This is one of those guys who lives in his mom's basement and makes terrible techno songs that he shares with his three online friends. This is also one of those times when I can't figure out which song to share with you because they're all terrible. So I picked two from the ones that would play. The CD drive starts to cry around track 8.

Oh yeah, and the label is falling off the CD, and the sound of it flapping in my CD drive makes my computer sound like the fan is dying.

Selfish Sacrifice

Shrimp - Peel & Eat

Featuring hits such as "Vaginal Itch", "Show Me On The Doll Where The Bad Man Touched You", and "My Baby Is Retarded And It's All My Fault". Shrimp is an all-female punk band from Winnipeg. It's entertaining, fun, and it rocks! Unfortunately, this home-made album appears to be out of print, but fortunately, I have extracted the entire thing for your entertainment. Or just listen to a couple of songs. They're also friends with Trouser Mouth who I reviewed in this entry.

Listen to Crackwhore
Listen to I'm Getting Naked For Jesus
Download the whole album!

So I'm going to address something. I haven't done a "contents of so-and-so's computer" entry in a while. Trust me, I'm still collecting the damn things, and there's a huge (up to the ceiling) pile of them in my garage. I think I've figured out a method of addressing them so I can work on them in the cafe, but I just need the time to pull the hard drives and such. I miss doing them, and I believe a lot of my readers do as well. I also have to scan the journal that I bought at Value Village. Right now, my "office" is a mess from relocating everything due to a leaky roof. I will eventually get to all this stuff, but I don't need the weather pissing all over everything.

On the plus side, the Junq tour is in two weeks! And then you have to wait months for me to post it all. Regardless, I'm looking forward to it this year (as I do every year).

Monday, July 8, 2019

Eddie Coffey's Newfie Music

I'm finally covering this guy's albums! He has been invading my blog queue box for quite some time, and is trying to out-record Arnie and Kevin Harcourt. I think the guy's a newfie, but I have no clue. He plays the accordian, sings songs about Newfies, and has terrible glasses. Does that qualify him as a Newfie?

I already covered his Christmas album here.

Come Closer Eastcoaster
(1997, maybe earlier)

I ended up with THREE FUCKING COPIES! One cassette and two CDs, one with different cover art. I wonder which one will sell for more money on Ebay? Perhaps the CD that's still sealed. Either it's worth extra coin because it's still in the cellophane, or nobody really wants an album full of Newfie music, not even Newfies.

To be honest, Eddie isn't terrible, but I'll probably stab myself in the face if I listen to him for any length of time. He sounds like a reject from Great Big Sea. This shit is 100% Canadian music. You won't hear stuff like this in Los Angeles, and I have a hard time wondering what Canadian in their right mind would listen to this. Perhaps that's why his albums are invading the thrift stores in droves. I can't count how many times I've seen his albums rotting on the shelf.

Some guy picks a mad guitar solo on track 10. He's no Slash, but holy hell, I'd hate to see how fast he could pick his nose.

There are 20 songs on this thing! That's one hell of a ride to Newfoundland. You get songs like "Where Have The Little Boats Gone", "With Me Rubber Boots On", and "Jack Delaney's Brew". You have the stellar lyric, "You're still just a Newfie in a Calgary hat" in the song Saltwater Cowboy. Canadians are super fucking racist against each other. Diversity is a thorn in our side.

Listen to Saltwater Cowboy

Celtic and Country Memories 

If you look at the cover, you can literally read Eddie's face. "Do I have to get down on one knee? My arthritis fucking hurts today!" I like how the exciting fake blue sticker on the front boasts that the CD includes Eddie's new release. Where the hell would you have heard it other than this album? I've never heard of this guy! Maybe it's because I don't hang out in the same Newfie circles as him, or any Newfie circles at all.

Eddie is determined to pack upwards of 24 songs on his albums, and this one is no exception. Keep squirting them out Eddie, and I'll keep reviewing them. Some of the songs packed onto this album are "My Dad Is The Engineer", "Galway Shawl", "Lessons By Mother's Knee", and three or four songs about some bitch named Mary.

Here's a song about how Newfies get stoned:

Listen to Newfoundland High

Jack of All Trades 

This one was still sealed, and after shoving it into my tape deck, I can understand why. This one sucks.

Only 14 songs? What the hell, Eddie? On the plus side, Eddie actually looks kinda happy on this album. He's probably happy to be done recording it because this is the shittiest album of the bunch. All the songs here sound the same.

You get songs such as "Newfie Rock Jig", "Police Cars & Guns", and "Mussels In The Corner" Might as well have recorded one song and called it "Newfie Police Mussels".

If you look at the inlay card, you will see a "Certificate of Merit" that was apparently given to Eddie for his contribution to Canadian country music. I honestly can't call this stuff country, because none of the songs are about running over your dog with a sexy tractor. I think Newfie music belongs in it's own category because there really isn't anything quite like it.

Listen to Over The Hill

I'm missing one album by Eddie called "Come Home Year on the Caribou". What in hell does that mean? Shouldn't it be "Come home, you're on the caribou"? As stupid as that sounds, it makes more sense than the actual title. Anyway, when I find it, I'll add it here. It probably has 25 fucking songs on it too.