Saturday, November 9, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: MacGregor

I bought three cassettes in the MacGregor thrift store. That was pretty much the content of the entire store.

Golden Car Songs - Camp Song Favorites

All your favorite driving songs are here such as "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends", "Pizza with Cheese", "The Cat Came Back", and "Kumbaya". There is absolutely nothing car-ish about this album. I honestly think that the group performing this is called "Golden Car Songs" which is a pretty dumb name. If I ever have a band, I'm going to call it "I Recorded This In My Shower and I Peed In There Too". It's one of those cassettes that you would rather NOT have playing in your car because it's annoyingly terrible like all children's entertainment that came out in the 1990s.

At least you get a song about killing bees.

Listen to Baby Bumblebee

From The Heart - Country Gospel Vol. 1

Apparently drummers are not allowed in this band, and a mixer wasn't allowed in the studio (if you can call the place this was recorded in a "studio". Without a drummer, the band simply cannot keep time, although some of the lousy bands I've reviewed that have a drummer couldn't keep time either.

This is mainly a collection of gospel covers (that doesn't deserve a vol. 2) and one original song. Guess which one I've included for your listening displeasure? Answer: The song about premature ejaculation.

Listen to Surely I Come Quickly

Valley Mennonite Academy Choir - The Lord Is Watching Over Me

Apparently, the Lord is a baa baa black sheep standing in his heaven full of dandelions. He watches over you to make sure that you don't taint his name and his children by recording any satanic Cyndi Lauper onto this beautiful Chromium Dioxide cassette.

It's all gospel songs sung by gospel children. The backing band is a Casio of the oom-pah variety and the children singing are only mildly annoying to listen to.

Listen to God's Love

We are now heading to Portage La Prairie which is our final destination. Hopefully it's open for more than ten minutes (unlike last year).

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Austin

This is the second time Austin's thrift store has amazed me with the unique crap I find in it. I usually don't find a lot of stuff in this store, but the things I find are usually pretty fun. This time was no exception.

Sarah Getto - My Gospel Favorites

I was certain this CD was going to suck ass as Sarah looked like a blind wannabe hack musician with one of those plunky string things on her lap, and the disclaimer that she played and sang everything on the album. Usually I end up with some weird crap that was mixed by a deaf person. This is not the case.

Sarah is extremely talented, and the mix on this CD is superb! Gospel songs usually aren't my thing, but they're actually kinda enjoyable on here. So I shall share one track with you.

Listen to In The Garden

Birnie Eldon Bornn - Write a Song / Southern Styles

There's something to be said about a good comb over, but someone else will have to say it because I think comb overs are awful. I'd rather see him in a blonde toupee.

I don't know what's wrong with this guy's name. It seems that his first, middle, and last name all have spelling errors. Perhaps his parents were both alcoholics with comb overs, so we shouldn't be too hasty to judge Birnie.

The music is country gospel which is already a bad start. Either Birnie's voice is that terrible, or he decided to record his vocal tracks in a car that has two bad spark plugs. At least the mix is okay, but that's all it has going for it. This album's pretty lousy.

Listen to We Shall Overcome

Talking Magazines

I've never found anything like this before. They're magazines on LP which were generally made for blind people, as there's braille on the record label. They're cut at 16 RPM in order to cram as much yakety yak as possible into the grooves. Each side runs for about an hour or so.

When I put one on my turntable (without really looking at the label), It took me a minute to realize that no, my turntable wasn't set to 45 RPM and that yes, my turntable was in correct working order. I had to pull out my old school-era Califone record player which has a 16 RPM speed setting to listen to these records correctly. I transferred them at 45 RPM and then used software to slow them back down.

When I was picking through the pile of these in the thrift store, I settled on buying four of them with the most interesting looking topics on them. Here they are in no particular order.

A Sound Effects Program with Chris Ethridge
A guy who makes really annoying sound effects with his voice

News Notes
New technologies for the blind such as reclining wheelchairs, microfiche (which is pronounced wrong) along with a bunch of other innovations of 1977.

Ill Fitting Shoes Are a Pain!
A whole program on women's feet. I'm sure the fetish guys will be jizzing all over their pants.

What The Blind Really Need
Surprisingly, it's not eyesight nor God.

Under Water Treasure by Melissa

Oh look! A book! I don't get to review these very often, so it's always a treat. This entire thing was written drawn, and colored by an 11 year old girl named Melissa who's last name I cannot read. I think it's actually quite well done. Her story writing skills on the other hand are the pits.

It's about a girl named Louisiana who goes to visit her aunt Fefe and they discover treasure. Louisiana couldn't give a fuck about the treasure and won't shut up about how much she wants to go home.

The first thing you see when you open the cover is the text "Here U go U ass!" which makes me wonder who the recipient of this book was. The first acutal page leaves a promise of a second book. Whether or not it was ever written will likely remain a mystery.

This is obviously the only copy in existence, so I must share it with the world. I put it in PDF format for all of you with digital book readers.

Check out the book!

Next, we shall see if it was worth stopping at the thrift store in McGregor.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (Value Village)

Our last stop in Brandon is the Value Village. I don't think there's ever been a time that I've walked out of here empty handed.

Gayleen Froese - Obituary

We gather here today to lay Gayleen's album to rest in the trash because it was too fucking boring to bother posting any songs. May this album rest in pieces and we hope that future generations do not find it and assume that the music of our day was this boring.

Lola - Full Circle

I would have been in my glory if the CD was actually square shaped. Instead, she put a picture of her fucking cats on it.

It mostly consists of boring country music covers, but we get a really terrible country version of an Elvis song to annoy us. Speaking of which, I'm very much overdue for another Elvis entry. The pile of tribute albums has been growing.

Listen to Fool Such As I

Makin' Music with The Treble Teens

Well, they're not bad singers, but their high voices are like nails across a chalk board. If you like it when people screech your favourite songs from the 1970s, you'll love this album. We get a medley with some of the worst songs from the decade such as Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Send In The Clowns, Love Will Keep Us Together, and a couple others nobody cares to remember. Also, if you like your Neil Diamond songs on the Jazzy side, you'll get jizzy over this one.

Listen to 70's Medley
Listen to Song Sung Blue

Ringling 5 - It Ain't Music

There are so many other bands that should have used this album title, and I have to say that the Ringling 5 isn't one of them. These guys have written some fun novelty songs about country living. You get songs such as "Jurassic Ark", "Ranch Aerobics", "Don't Screw with Montana", "Sheep Shearers' Lament", and "Hoop-De Poop-De Polka". Their title track should be this blog's theme song.

Listen to Hoop-De Poop-De Polka
Listen to It Ain't Music

The Countdown Singers - Goodbye England's Rose: Candle In The Wind 1997

I'm surprised there isn't more knock offs of this, considering it's the second best selling single of all time (Bing Crosby's White Christmas is #1, and I always see copies of it in piles of 78 rpm records). I have to say that this is probably the worst piece of shit I've found on the entire Junq Tour thus far. All the songs on here are fucking terrible, and I'm talking about them in their original form. After you take a bunch of shitty songs and let some stupid-arsed studio musicians cover it, you have a flat brown turd to stuff in your CD player. You will never get the stink out of your machine after you've played this.

Check out this note on the back of the album:

"All Royalties for the use of the recording "Goodbye England's Rose / Candle In The Wind 1997" will be donated directly by the producers and Madacy Entertainment Group to funds established in memory of Princess Diana"

I call bullshit on that. What royalties? These aren't the original recordings, so I'm assuming if they're paying for any royalties, it would be to the original musicians. Given that there's 12 shitty covers on here, they would have to divide the royalties 12 different ways. I also doubt that Madacy pays royalties to the original artists, let alone to any Princess Diana fund. Let's get real here, they stuffed the proceeds into their empty pockets because people generally don't buy shitty albums like this.

Let's go through some of the songs:

Goodbye England's Rose (Candle In The Wind 1997): The guy who's pretending to be Elton John sounds like he's 97 years old here. I'll bet whoever bought this CD was pissed when they heard this version.

Memory: This is apparently from the musical "Cats". Yuck. I generally don't like musicals.

Tears In Heaven: Voted Eric Clapton's worst song ever, and I'd have to agree. Yes, I know why he wrote it, and it wasn't for Princess Diana. Madacy should be ashamed of themselves, so should Eric Clapton, and so should whoever the hack is singing this.

I'll Be Missing You: This is the Puffy Combs Cereal version where he rips off "Every Breath You Take". I hated this song when it came out, and now we have some pretend wannabe "gangsta" trying to rap as good as Puff Daddy, although I'd beg to differ on Sean Puffy being a good rapper. He's also a stupidhead for changing his name hundreds of times.

Imagine: We can't avoid a good excuse to bastardize John Lennon. It doesn't even sound remotely like him. The performance on here is awful. How can you fuck this one up? Well, Madacy found a way like they always do.

Why: Even Annie Lennox can't even escape Madacy's mission to ruin songs.

I Will Always Love You: DEAR GOD NO!!!!! IT'S FUCKING ATROCIOUS!!!! I can't even articulate how bloody horrid this is. It makes me want to beat my head in with a sledge hammer which would be less painful than hearing this bitch trying to pull off Whitney Houston's most annoying performance of all time.

Missing You: We already have a song called "Missing You" on this goddam CD. I don't know who originally did this song, but it's probably awful and this version is even worse.

You Are So Beautiful: Whoever's singing this Joe Cocker song sounds as horrific as what Princess Diana looked like after the accident. I make the same sounds when I'm in the bathroom having a really tough bunny pellet shit. He sounds like he's on his death bed which would probably be a good thing.

The Rose: Can we please not? At least the singer has been replaced with a saxophone. Hopefully the singer was murdered with the saxophone.

Listen to Candle In The Wind
Listen to I'll Be Missing You
Listen to You Are So Beautiful
or just download the entire awful mess

After that last album, I don't know if I can go on with the Junq Tour. But we must try and make our way to Austin.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (Superthrift)

I believe the Superthrift is fairly new, as I don't recall seeing it before. Not much for strange finds here, but there was certainly a lot to dig through.

Country Blend - Gospel Favorites

Hey! The original lineup is back and they're ready to convert you into a Christian with their collection of Gospel Favorites. The secret they won't tell you is that Joan MacKay sold her soul to the devil to become the world's greatest piano player. She got the haircut as a free gift.

I'm not sampling anything from here because we have enough entries from the Christian Wheat Belt to cover our religious song quota.

Bill & Sue-On Hillman Vol.12 - The Canada Sessions: 33 Songs from the Early Years

I recently covered Bill & Sue-On Hillman's first four albums which vary from mediocre to excellent, and I rated Vol.3 as my favourite. One of the things I was looking forward to on this trip was eating at their restaurant which they inherited from Sue-On's family. My craving for Chinese food was brutally slaughtered because the restaurant is gone, so I had to eat some fast food shit because nothing else was open.

However, it was a joy to find this CD. I covered a portion of the 33 songs on this album which came from volumes 4, 5 and 6.  I was quite happy to see more of Bill's original songs on here, and yes, they're very good indeed!

I've pulled three songs from this CD for you to hear. "Highway 354" is a perfectly fine twonky driving song that will forever remind you of all the wheat that makes your drive through Manitoba boring as fuck. The main riff in "Mississippi Tripper" is stolen directly from "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress" by The Hollies and has Sue-On taking the lead vocal while Bill does the back-up. "Satisfied" starts off as Manitoba's version of "Play That Funky Music" and then breaks down into a feel-good praise-the-lord religious hoe-down.

I didn't think I'd ever find one of their CDs so I'm quite happy with this one.. It's a perfectly fine representation of local Manitoba music in the early 1970s. It just goes to prove that the music here didn't always suck.

Hoja - Rock Paper Scissors

I'm fairly certain that this album has previously come through my hands and may be sitting in my blog queue box. Why it hasn't come been posted until now is anybody's guess, but I'm going to blame Hoja for never sending me a copy of the album for reviewing. It's all their fault.

Hoja is an acapella group, much like the Streetnix band I covered a few years back. They're not completely bad, but the singer's near inability to do falsetto is pretty laughable. The song selection is for the most part decent. "Kiss Him Goodbye" which is a mandatory cover for any acapella group (because The Nylons had a big hit with it in Canada) is included. Their cover of Billy Joel's "River of Dreams" is almost good with exception of the terrible falsetto. My only question is, who the living fuck chose to cover Jewel's "Foolish Games"? What a stupid decision that was, and the arrangement just doesn't work for this song. The happy acapella sound brings an extremely cheerful, shiny vibe to an extremely miserable, depressing song. Jewel's debut album is one of my guilty pleasures, and I hope she hunts these guys down and beats the piss out of them with their own CD for even thinking of covering this song.

Listen to Foolish Games
Listen to River of Dreams

We still have to visit the Value Village before exiting Brandon. What kind of crap will we find there? Stay tuned!

Monday, October 28, 2019

Halloween with The Countdown Singers, Martha Stewart, and James Brown

Do you like the Halloween decoration I bought? It cost me a dollar and was probably made by someone who doesn't speak or write English. I'm sure he received 50 lashings with the shitty wire that joins these two pieces together.

So I decided to do a Halloween entry this year. It takes a while to collect things to do a Halloween entry because there really isn't a lot of unique Halloween material out there. A lot of it gets re-recycled from decades ago. Ever get a pair of underwear from a friend that belonged to another friend of his? That's pretty much what Halloween albums are like. They're old, they stink, and they have brown shit streaks on them.

Sounds of Horror

This 2 CD set from Sonoma Entertainment contain audio that was likely purchased elsewhere. That's why they can sell these albums for three bucks brand new. They pay a low price for the audio and make a million copies. The first disc on this CD set has some extremely ancient sound effects that were originally released back in the days of vinyl. These noises are so old that they belong in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Hey, if they can induct rap music into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, why not sound effects? Anyway, this is just a single track of sounds that people usually play out their window while kids are trick or treating.

Disc 2 contains individual tracks. Why aren't they strung into one long track? Does someone sit and listen to this and say, "Oh, I really don't like "Entering The Crypt", I'd rather hear "Haunted Woods". I don't understand the purpose of splitting this shit up.

Spooky Sounds

Guess what? I got ripped off when I bought this one because it's the same as the first disc of "Sounds of Horror". That's how they make money. They scam you into thinking that you're buying a different collection of noises, but it the same shit, different package. Thanks, Sonoma Entertainment, and go fuck yourself.

Martha Stewart Living - Spooky Scary Sounds for Halloween

I was hoping this was just an audio track of Martha Stewart cooking up some liver and onions or some shit, but it's one track of sound effects. The good news about this one is it's on the Rhino record label which means you're getting some good quality noises on this one. The down side is this is the shortest one of the bunch. Also, I haven't a fucking clue what Martha Stewart has to do with it. Perhaps someone recorded audio of her taking a slimy shit and it's buried in the mix somewhere. At least there's a recipe for Caramel Apples in the liner notes.

60 Min Horror Sound Effects

I seem to recall seeing this one in the dollar store. From memory, I think it came in a bubble pack with a cardboard backing. I think I got this as a freebie in a batch of other CDs that nobody wanted. It's another one-track-wonder, but it has a guest appearance by James Brown. I'm not kidding! They used his scream from the beginning of "I Feel Good" as a horror sound!

Listen to James Brown

The horror factor here is they potentially dug up his grave and got him to record his famous scream just for this release.

So, what can you do with all these sound effect albums? You can mix them all together to make the ultimate Halloween scary sounds track! Two of them have heartbeats as background noise, so it eventually just melts into a low rumble that sounds identical to a cheap, blank low noise 60 minute cassette that you used to be able to buy in a 3-Pak at Zellers. When you put it all together, it sounds like a Halloween warzone.

Listen to the super, ultimate halloween sounds collection!

The Countdown Singers and Orchestra - Monster Mash and Other Terrifying Tunes

When the hell did The Countdown Singers get an orchestra? This should have been front page news! The reality is they didn't have enough shitty cover songs to fill a CD, so they used some classical music pieces from some of their other releases to fatten up the length of this crappy album.

I've covered this version of Monster Mash in this entry. Remember the one where they stole the original intro off a really scratchy LP, filtered the hell out of the scratches, and then spliced in their poopy version? That copy of it came from a Drew's Lamous album, so either Drew got it from the same place Sonoma Entertainment did, or Sonoma is just Drew's Lamous under another company name. Who cares, it's all the same trash.

Ghostbusters is always a treat. There are so many knock-off versions out there that you never know which one you're going to get. This one was recorded in someone's basement. It's really bad.

I can't figure out what the lyrics in this version of "Love Potion Number 9" are supposed to be. The best I can make out is him singing "I told her that I wasn't fucked with chicks". Don't believe me? Listen to it yourself.

The classical music pieces aren't really that scary and sound out of place. We have the Twilight Zone movie theme which sounds nothing like the theme from the TV show. We also have Psycho: Suite for Strings, and Batman/Robin Hood. Yeah, because nothing scares the shit out of me more than a guy in green tights. I really can't help but wonder who the dipshit was who put this compilation together. Instead of using the classical music pieces, they should have just thrown in Bridge Over Troubled Water, The Rose, Grandpa, and Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain. You can tell I've been writing this blog for way too long.

Listen to Ghostbusters
Listen to Love Potion Number 9

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Junq Tour

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (MCC)

Three thrift stores, three separate entries. The MCC always provides me with a lot of material. It's like they prepare for my visit by putting as much dog shit as possible onto their shelves.

Sing Along with The Busy Beavers

Look what we have here... A bunch of beavers sticking flutes in their holes. This is obviously a Chipmunks knock-off. Instead of Alvin, we have Igor and two other beavers who's names are not known. They certainly didn't think much about the children when they recorded this thing. The back of the album brags about how good the quality of the vinyl and mastering is. Is that supposed to make up for the fact that this album is shit?

Listen to Home On The Range / Red River Valley / Whoopie Ti Yi Yo
Download the whole thing

The Craddock Kids - Canada

1967 marked the 100th year of confederation in Canada, so everybody decided to make an album about it. On this particular instance, we have a bunch of singing kids who are currently on the verge of retirement or death. I would love to see a "where are they now" special about them.

Apparently the single (which I'm featuring here) has sold a quarter of a million copies. These washed-up kid singers apparently appeared on the Perry Como show, another washed-up singer. The album sales had these kids laughing all the way to the grocery store to get their free candy bar in lieu of royalties. When they became adults, there were no successful music careers to be had so they all got shit-shovelling jobs which crushed all the dreams they ever had.

Listen to Canada

Andy Zachary and Karen - Cheeko, My Pony

It's not often I find an autographed 45. In fact I think this is my first one. This almost sounds like a cheap imitation Mickey & Bunny. It's a cute song. Apparently Andy Zachary and Karen also released a full length album. If I ever find it, you bet I'll post it.

Listen to Cheeko, My Pony

Rebecca Dawn - I Believe

You get a rainbow instead of a sunrise this time. For some reason on the back, there's a picture of a girl named Shianne which I'm assuming is Rebecca's daughter (who performs two songs), but we have no clue what Rebecca looks like.

This time around, you get the other Bette Midler song everyone hates and Rebecca does it absolutely no justice.

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Keath Barrie - Fifty, or So

Oh look! An old man face floating in the sky! Barrie the Baritone graces us with 22 songs that we didn't want to hear, following closely in the footsteps of the more successful Roger Whittaker but without dawning glasses or a cat. Most of these are old songs that time has thankfully forgotten. However, Keath thought it was a good idea to try and lower Roy Orbison's "Blue Bayou" by about four octaves. It sounds terrible. I tried to go to Keath's website which is listed on the inlay, but it's gone. The bandwidth police must have arrested him for internet pollution.

Listen to Blue Bayou

Judy Hiebert - To My Father

It was sealed, and I foolishly decided to let this trash roam free. It's not very good, and there's no effects on Judy's vocals. It was recorded at Century 21 Studios in Winnipeg. The funny thing is I have absolutely no clue where Century 21 is, so I can't go down there and throw this piece of shit CD at the producer's head.

Listen to Grandpa (yes, you get to hear it again)

John Bressler - By Popular Demand

This guy has a pretty cool voice, but there's too much echo on it. He's also a good piano player, but the instrumentation backing him up sounds like trash buried under a pile of grass clippings and dog feces. He actually performs a decent version of Floyd Cramer's "Last Date", but unfortunately his version of Paul Mauriat's "Love is Blue" is buried under the bad instrumentation which plagues this album. Chariots of fire would have been good but the piano is mixed too low. Whoever did the mixing job here needs a swift kick in the ears. John also does a version of The Rose which is another song I'm getting sick of seeing covered.

Listen to Piano Man
Listen to Last Date

Safety Kids - Personal Safety

Putting a judgement on this is difficult for one simple reason... The tape is sticky and doesn't play. This is a curse of certain formulations of magnetic tape from the late 1970s and early 1980s. In my experience, the Reel 2 Reel format is the worst culprit for this. I've never seen this problem on the 8-track format (another victory for 8-tracks!) This tape needs to be baked to eliminate the problem, but I can't be bothered to do it for a bunch of dumb songs about safety. Sticky tape is one of the reasons that there should NOT be a cassette comeback.

I almost successfully pulled one song from it, so you at least get to hear that. The beginning and end of the song are kind of fucked up though.

Listen to Look For a Grandma

Tennessee Ed Derkach - Good Ole Camp Meeting Days

At last, we have an album that completely sucks. Every song on here is like nails on a chalkboard. It's hard to decide what song to feature when they're all terrible. The best part about this tape is the talented lead guitar player, but he simply cannot shine with so much other crap going on.

According to the inlay, Ed was saved at the young age of nine and baptized with the Holy Ghost and fire at age fourteen. What kind of a church sets 14 year old boys on fire? Despite these achievements, Ed never learned to spell his name correctly and did it two different ways on his album cover. Perhaps he never recovered from the trauma of being a roasted marshmallow.

Also according to the inlay, Ed is a full time gospel singer. If I was subjected to this horrible shit every Sunday, I'd probably burn down the church. There must be an abundance of sin in this congregation for God to subject them to this crap.

Feel free to send him some hate mail since he decided to put his address right on the album cover.

Listen to The Healer
Listen to Meeting In The Air

Let's take a cruise through Brandon and visit the next closet of horrors...

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Manitou

Welcome to the Blend special! We are blending a bunch of crap into one entry.

Coffeehouse Blend - Wing and a Prayer

You see all those people on the cover? Only one of them plays an instrument. All the others sing, but no harmonies are to be found on here. These are all really old songs. The newest one is probably the Mama Cass song. These guys aren't terrible, just boring.

Listen to Dream A Little Dream

Roy Royston - On Her Land

Nice Mullet! Bad Unchained Melody!

Listen to Unchained Melody

The Lea Family at Pembina Crossing

After looking at the cover, I can't help but wonder how much incest is going on in this family. It's not like the usual mom, dad and the kids band that I see. I see one mom, one dad, three kids, and an uncle daddy.

The production of this tape is pretty good, but the performances aren't very interesting nor are they very good.

Listen to Daddy Sang Bass
Listen to Grandpa

Dusty Road

The road was fine in comparison to how dusty this fucking record was. On the cover, we have a guy from the Dukes of Hazzard jacking off a car. On the back, we have everyone's autograph. Too bad the car didn't try and autograph it by running it over.

If you want to hear the least obnoxious version of Mule Skinner Blues ever recorded, click below.

Listen to Mule Skinner Blues

Smilin' Johnnie - Watching Our Country Die

This guy should call himself "Frowning Johnnie" because all he does is bitch and complain about everything. You know what I'd like to hear? I'd love to hear an obnoxious punk band cover every song on this album.

You know what the scariest thing about Smilin' Johnnie is? According to the back of the album, he has at least seven other albums. He can't be smilin' that much because I've never seen any of them, so he couldn't have made that much money from his music career. Johnnie isn't smiling any more because he died in 2010. I guess he died before his country did.

Listen to So They Call It The New Country Music
Listen to Watchin' Our Country Die

Country Blend - Loving You

Hey! Another band with "blend" in their name! Hey! We've seen one of these people before, haven't we?

Looks like she got herself a worse haircut than the one from the last album. Her piano playing is still fantastic though.

Over the period of about a month, I started coming across lots of albums by Country Blend. My only guess for the influx of these albums is two of the members died.

Last time I posted a picture of Joan MacKay's album but never posted a song. We shall change that this time so you can enjoy her piano bashing. She is most certainly the star in this band.

Listen to Beer Barrel Polka

Country Blend - You're The Reason

HEY! Where the hell did Joan MacKay go? Did she die? Why did they replace her with this bald motherfucker? Can he bash a piano just as good? The answer is no. This album is a pile of shit without Joan. There's absolutely no life in it.

Listen to a really shitty version of Tennessee Flat Top Box

Next, we head over to Brandon where all your wheat are belong to us...

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Winkler (Teen Challenge)

Teen Challenge is a brand new thrift store that opened in Winkler just a couple of weeks before my arrival. It's a damn nice thrift store which also sells new hand-made items. The prices were quite reasonable for the most part, and I ended up buying a ton of stuff from there. I hope you've got some time to kill, because this is a long one!

Willie & Rodi - Coming Home

This year, we get another visit from our friends the Longeneckers! They must be a favourite here in the Christian Wheat Belt. They even put a picture of a sunrise on the back of the CD to make me happy. The other thing that makes me happy is the keyboard player's name is Alan Allen. The guy's parents obviously hated him when he was born.

I don't really know any of these songs, so I just picked an Elvis song.

Listen to Crying In The Chapel

Peter Hnatiuk - An Old Fashion Ukrainian Wedding

I'm going to go on a rant here. I've been working on doing a discography on Peter Hnatiuk. I own every album he put out and a bunch of others that he guest starred on. He was extremely popular in the Manitoba Ukrainian music scene. His albums are mostly in Ukrainian, but he's got some really good English songs mixed in as well.

Anyway, this CD came out on a label called "Baba's Records" with a completely different cover and a completely different album title. I was pretty certain that I had the vinyl counterpart, and I located it so I could do some comparisons.

The quality of the CD is fucking awful. Whoever transferred this to CD decided to bugger with the controls. It sounds like my stereo speakers are buried under pillows, and there's extra reverb on everything. My LP copy in comparison sounds crisp, clear, and fantastic. If anyone out there is looking for Peter Hnatiuk albums, do yourself a favour and don't buy any of the Baba's Records releases. Wait for me to put the albums online. They're all transferred, so I just need a bit of time to get everything together.

I present the following for your comparison:

Listen to the CD version of "Nobody To Live With"
Listen to the LP version of "Nobody To Live With"

Zaretski - Just Hangin'

There are a few things wrong here... First of all, nobody smokes doobs in the Christian Wheat Belt because marijuana is known as the devil's plant who's roots are firmly planted in hell. Second, six karaoke versions of these songs have been included on the album. I honestly can't say that these songs are so good that I'm desperate to sing along with them. Third, Zaretski's website and email belong to Pangea who was bought out by MTS around the year 2000, so I can't send him any fan or hate mail which will certainly cause me some sleepless nights.

Listen to How Many Days

Bootleg 8-tracks

The Best of Hank Williams from Sound Enterprises Inc (probably not inc) comes in a beautiful gold shell and has a picture of a fingerprint that someone jizzed on. It has a 30 day warranty from the purchase date in 1972. Despite my searching, I couldn't find an exact album that this is stolen from, but there's a bazillion Hank Williams compilations out there that predate 1972, so it's anybody's guess as to whether this is an original compilation or not.

The Very Best of Anne Murray features a brown and green picture of what I can only assume is Anne Murray's band, but somehow I think it's just a generic picture that this unknown record label (probably named Stereo-8) uses on all their bootlegs. I also can't find an album that this is stolen from and given that Anne Murray doesn't have much for compilations that predate 1974, it seems that this is an original compilation. It's also recorded too loud and distorted as all hell.

Listen to distorted Snowbird

Nashville Artists - Country Hits for Lovers

I think I came up with what "ARC" stands for... Artists Recording Crap. Yes, it's another piece of shit from Arc records. You were better off buying the bootleg Hank Williams album I already mentioned because this isn't the real thing and probably retailed for more money.

Listen to Lovesick Blues

Nashville Guitars - Music To Park By

What's with all these shitty knock-off albums featuring bands with the word "Nashville" in their band name? At least this one is a bit more authentic because it actually came from Nashville. It's also the first time I've heard of Gusto Records.

Anyway, look at the nice sunset on the cover. I'm surprised this isn't a Christian album. The shell is a somewhat translucent white which I generally don't see either. All the songs on here are instrumentals, and the Beatles cover is the only song chopped in half because of the pesky way the 8-track format worked. On the plus side, it's not the worst thing I've ever heard. It sounds kinda like a Ventures knock-off.

Listen to Let It Be

Tammy Wynette's Greatest Hits

Freedom! The greatest name in music! If you have to tell everyone you're the greatest name in music, you're probably a piece of crap company who makes knock-off albums. It's not a bootleg this time, it's a bunch of assholes in a closet with their 8-track recorder. On the back of the tape, there's some small text that reads "Simulated by The Soundmasters". However, the sound quality on program three is surprisingly good.

I refurbish every 8-track before it goes in my deck and despite my efforts, not every tape plays well. This is one of them. I figured I should give a disclaimer because last time I worked at making a shitty knock-off tape play and it played like crap, I was given a hard time (see the comments on this entry). I've been fixing 8-tracks consistently for around 30 years, and there's some you just can't save.

Listen to Golden Ring
Listen to Stand By Your Man

Hits Of Tammy Wynette

Whoever owned this lot of 8-tracks previously had shitty luck when it came to purchasing authentic Tammy Wynette music because he got burned twice. More fake Tammy on this one and the alternate title "Sounds Like Tammy Wynette" is on the spine, and I haven't a fucking clue who the androgynous asshole is on the cover, but it looks nothing like Tammy Wynette. The record label is called "Charm Tapes". I can tell you for certain, there is absolutely no charm in this hunk of plastic.

Listen to I Don't Wanna Play House

Mariposa Reeds - Gordon Lightfoot Instrumentals

We're really scraping the bottom of Arc's shitty discography in this entry. We have a bunch of Muzak covers of early Gordon Lightfoot songs this time. You won't find Battle of the Edmund Fitzgerald or Sundown on this collection. In fact, I only know two songs on this collection. Gordon's early work was pretty boring, but that never stops a crappy record label from farting out some notes to make a quick buck.

Listen to For Lovin' Me

The Mexican Banditos - Lennon & McCartney Tijuana Style

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought this album from Arc was trash. The owner of this 8-track recorded some Suzi Quatro onto it. I have another copy of this in my queue box somewhere, but for this round, you get Suzi.

Listen to If You Can't Give Me Love

Sweet Country Hits

HEY! Why isn't this from Arc? We were on a roll!

This time you get a batch of crap from Odyssey Productions. It's quite difficult to see that it's not the real artists since every song is credited things like "The Statler Brothers Style". There is an extremely small disclaimer in red text that says "The songs on this tape were recorded by our studio musicians in the same style and arrangements as the original hits recorded and made famous by the artists noted". Whoever wrote this should get 50% of the royalties of every knock-off piece of shit that contains this statement. I've seen this exact wording multiple times. It should go down as a famous piece of literature.

Anyway, here's some fake Statler Brothers.

Listen to Flowers On The Wall

Tsufit - Under The Mediterranean Sky

This is a bootleg copy of an album that nobody cares enough about to be concerned that it's being bootlegged. It's not bad musically, but Mrs. Tsufit seems to enjoy writing songs that portray her as a snotty bitch. Not only that, almost half of these songs are in a language nobody cares to learn. The song I pulled skips, but it seems to be that way on the CD, so Tsufit is getting a pretty bad representation on Classical Gas Emissions. But who am I fooling? She wasn't getting a good representation anyway.

Listen to Broccoli's On Sale at Dominion

Red Robe Women - Not Alone

This album is laced with aboriginal issues (in Canada). It's one of those political issues that I won't touch with a 12 inch pole, and this isn't a place to discuss politics. However, I have no problem judging this album on it's ability to musically please my ears. It fucking sucks. It consists of mostly rap music mish mashed with traditional aboriginal music. That's like trying to mix folk music with screamo.

Listen to Not Alone

Ray Allen and The Upbeats - Tribute to 6

When famous artists die, there's always some asshole trying to cash in on it. The asshole in this case is Arc Records (again). Even though it's in bold (albeit small text) on the cover, someone only noticed the big names on the cover and gave Arc Records more money that it didn't need.

The worst part about this album is the covers aren't even close to the original songs. The closest one is La Bamba, and not only is it terrible, they spelled it wrong on the album cover. I'm honestly surprised that Buddy Holly didn't get his dead ass out of the grave and murder this Ray Allen jerk for fucking up his songs. The day this piece of shit came out was the day the music died.

Don't believe me? I dare you to listen.

Listen to Peggy Sue
Listen to Chantilly Lace
Download this piece of trash

Jake Fehr & The Fehr's - Country Gospel

Yes, the apostrophe is in the name. Also, a bunch of the song titles are spelled wrong. Seems there may have been some inbreeding in the Fehr family which caused some loss of intelligence. The cover is printed on Kodak paper to give it that professional look (ha ha ha).

These guys play like they're all drunk, and they probably are. It's REALLY BAD. They ruin all your favourites here, such as "Gathering Bud's", "I Just Wont To Thank You", "I Sow The Light" and " I Bin Redeem". Enjoy!

Listen to I'm Going To a City
Download the whole thing

And away we goo to Manitou!