Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Worst Thing I Ever Saw on Public Access TV

I really can't tell you how much I miss Public Access TV. So many terrible shows, so little time to watch them. And now they're gone. Well, the Public Access channel hasn't exactly disappeared. What happened was Shaw bought both our little Winnipeg-based cable companies (Cablevision and Videon, depending which side of the river you were on) and turned it all into a big corporate pile of shit. The public access channel now shows garbage like high school sporting events - and that's all. I don't want to watch that, I want to watch my old high school Social Studies teacher do his makeshift religious program and sing songs of praise with his wife (yes, every bit of that is true! I have the video somewhere.)

Here's a real gem. This is probably the most god-awful thing I've ever seen on that channel. Again, it's so bad, I had to record it. It's some Polish guy singing really badly while playing his barrel organ.

Friday, April 4, 2008

First batch of roadside treasures for 2008!

Spring is finally here, and the treasures are beginning to show up! The other day, I passed a dumpster and noticed something potentially interesting sticking out. Unfortunately, it was only a double tape deck - the kind that has to be connected to it's mate via a ribbon cable. However, right under it was a pile of CDs and DVDs. I figured if they were just empty cases, I would still be able to use them. But no, these were treasures! Here's a brief list of what I found:

12 Music CDs (5 still sealed!)
1 CD-ROM of an unnamed company's accounting info
1 CD-ROM of a Graphics Accelerator
3 *blank* DVD-Rs

Here's some *edited* screenshots of the Porno DVD (forgive me if Photobucket removes them):


I'm really surprised that this company whom I won't mention just threw a CD-ROM of private accounting information straight into the trash without destroying it. As a favor to the company, I will run the disc through my shredder.

And now, to review the music CDs I found:

Real Joy - La Danse d'Helene:
This is a french dance music single: 4 different mixes of the same song and one english version. For a song with lyrics I can't understand, it's surprisingly catchy. It reminds me of The Clapping Song. But then I listened to the english version. The lyrics sound terribly identical to the Hokey Pokey. How the hell do you put your sex in front and put your sex behind? And why don't you take that finger and put it IN your behind? I'm guessing it loses something in the translation. Just for fun, here's the entire English version. Perhaps I'll use it for a Canned Peaches tune since it's dumb enough.

Sounds like the Barenaked Ladies re-united with the Foo Fighters. Even though their band name is "Volume", I find myself having no inclination to reach for the knob and turn this CD louder. The songs get mellower as the CD goes on.

Jon Parks:
When this started off, I thought the music actually wasn't too bad. But the lyrics.... oh those lyrics make you slap yourself in the head because they're gut-wrenchingly shitty, especially the song "Julie":

How long has is been now Julie
A couple of years
How long has it been since you were over here
I thought I would call you up and
See how you've been

I heard you were with some handsome guy
I'm glad you're out of debt and
Still driving that car
You've colored you're hair I'll bet and
Still work at the bar

And the lyrics continue to be this bad. This CD ALSO gets mellower as it plays. The guy's not a bad singer, but he seems to have a bit of a "Kermit The Frog" accent.

Band Called Horse:
I thought this CD looked really cool, so I had some high hopes for it. But it was bland light rock from the get-go. This stuff is completely forgettable. Track 1 and 2 sound almost identical. In fact, if you play them together, you get the impression that they just re-wrote the lyrics.

Adi Sara Kreindler:
Uhhhh, something sounds wrong with this chick. The CD skipped a bit as I was listening to it which only added to the strangeness (I later found that the skipping is actually part of the audio rather than a dirty disc). I understand this is blues and this would actually sound really good if the singer didn't sound like she was doing a bad impression of an italian.

Rodrigo Munoz - a mis padres - Latin American Guitar:
Exactly what it says. Once you've heard one latin american guitar, you've heard them all. There's 36 goddam minutes of this, so I didn't bother to listen to the whole thing.

B'ehl - Bright Eyes
This CD started off with a bit of a bang and from a first impression it sounds really good. It sounds a lot like The Murmurs, which is a good thing because I like The Murmurs. The songs are very pop, but what always gets me is the sugary-sweet harmonies. I had this CD in my truck for most of the week and have enjoyed it immensely. IMO, the best songs on here are "Geography" and "Closure". So this one's a keeper! Take a listen! The only thing I can fault this CD for is the production work - the drums should be mixed a bit louder and the bass a little lower. Regardless, I'll be keeping my eyes out for B'ehl's first album, and the chances are quite good that I'll find it on one of my thrift store journeys.

Ethan Collister:
Ugh. I'm really tired of Canadian music that sounds either Celtic, or like Great Big Sea. The first song sounds like a ripoff of Led Zeppelin's Battle of Evermore, only more Great Big Sea-ish. The only thing I like about this is the use of bongo drums. Ethan isn't much of a singer either.

Little Hawk - 1492-1975
After looking at the track listing, I was hoping, just hoping that this was a rock album. This album is VERY indian. Personally, I could care less to hear an album full of native issues, which is fine since the music isn't all that interesting.

Bruce Holmes - Life's An Intelligence Test:
The first thing I noticed about this CD is that Bruce is kinda ugly. I could only hope that his talent makes up for his looks, much like Tom Petty. Unfortunately, this thing sounds like a Christian Album done by Great Big Sea. Go figure, it's fucking terrible. If you dare, have a listen.

Melissa Sylianou - Bachelorette:
Yay, a jazz CD. I could really care less for this music. It's not horribly irritating, but it's not terribly interesting.

Famous Framus - Troubled Mind
The cover is not horribly attractive. Think of it, would you wanna listen to a CD of a guy named "Famous Framus" showing you his smelly feet? Neither did I, which is why I left this CD until last. It's basically some guy playing two-chord songs singing the same lyrics over and over again. Some of these songs have potential to sound good, and they probably would if there was a band backing this guy.

So at least I've got one good CD out of it, the album by B'ehl. I'd probably be able to get used to the Adi Sara Kreindler too if I could get past her funny accent and if the audio didn't skip. But who am I to bitch, this stuff was free! The rest will probably go back into the trash where they belonged.