Saturday, November 4, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Altona

Prepare for a barrage of Junq Tour entries! I took a solid week of evenings and prepared all the audio and images, so I should be able to bang the next 7 entries out like nothing.

This past summer, I took two days and did a tour of the thrift stores in the Christian Wheat Belt. And dear God, did I come out with some "interesting" "treasures". I also recorded video of my trip which I'll get posted once I have all the entries up.

Altona expanded their thrift store since the last time I was there. The place is huge! They were able to stash away lots of shitty albums which probably have been sitting there for a good year... until I went and bought them.

Eleanore Glover

I decided to start off by letting the deadly stare from this lady make you feel guilty for even thinking of reading this blog entry. Her music is completely uninteresting which is why I didn't bother with a clip. However, that look from her will burn the shit out of your soul, and make you wish you hadn't ever though of undressing her with your eyes. Well... at least I thought about it.

Juanita Clayton - Bridges: The Yodeling Farmer's Daughter

This yodeling lady from Manitoba brings us a whole tape of yodeling songs. For some unknown reason, this album was recorded in Kansas City. I guess that's just where an album of yodeling SHOULD be recorded. It's nice and far away from here, and it'll help raise tensions between Canada and the USA.

In all fairness, there's nothing too terrible here. I included the dumbest song of the bunch for your yodeling enjoyment. It's about a yodeling dog. I'm sure your dog will enjoy singing along.

Listen to Kitty Cat Love

Corey Friesen Pianist - Piano Classics

Corey Friesen is an amazing penist. Unfortunately, this album was recorded in the bathroom. This means that instead of getting a beautiful influx of music, you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit while someone in the next room is playing a piano. I also have no clue who's thumping around in that room, because... well you're not going to get up in the middle of your shit to find out what the fuck is going on.

Listen to Study in A Flat Major

1999-2000 New Hope School Choir - One Place We All Belong

What do you get when you have a room full of tone-deaf kids singing along to a Casio keyboard? Then answer is: A riddle you want to forget was ever asked, but then I give you the tragic result.

This atrocity was arranged by someone named Sandra Mae Reimer. I think the title of "music teacher" is fairly inappropriate in this case. These kids obviously didn't learn anything. Sandra is more of a "chaos synchronizer".

Listen to Land of the Silver Birch

Joannie Wurst - Sings Her Favorite Country Hymns

Joannie The Worst really tries hard to do a good job singing her religious music, but the upside down pentagram above her has caused her to become worried. It also looks like someone cut the microphone wire, which they should have done before hitting the record button

I also picked up the album "Country Says It Best", but it's more of the same boring crap.

I would really like to know where Joannie found the time machine she used to retrieve her wardrobe from the year 1921.

Listen to What a Friend

Sandra Rae Reimer - Marching 800 Miles: Song Written for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police: March West Reenactment: Summer 1999

Some very memorable re-enactments of famous historic events have taken place in history. This is not one of them, but we got a shitty song out of it. Our favourite chaos synchronizer, Sandra Mae Reimer threw this piece of shit together too! Judging from the fact that both this and the other tape are from 1999, those awful tone-deaf kids are making yet another appearance.

The song itself isn't bad, but those meddling kids ruined everything.

Listen to Marching 800 Miles

Kevin & Marg Harcourt - Country Memories

Seriously, how the fuck does this guy sell so many albums? I've have TONS of them, and they're all different! I've been meaning to compile a nice discography for our dear friend Weird Kevin, but he was kind enough to put one in the inlay of this cassette. This tells me that Kevin has put out a MINIMUM OF FOURTEEN ALBUMS! Where the hell does Weird Kevin get the time to shit out so many of these things??? Not only that, I know I have one recorded by his parents! His family get-togethers must have been recording sessions.

Weird Kevin drags his wife onto this album and records another pile of country crap. It's the same old stuff I keep seeing covered by everybody and their damn dog. Keep squeezing them out, Kevin!

Listen to You Are My Sunshine

Maria Heinrichs - This World Is Not My Home

Following in the footsteps of Kurt Cobain's "I Hate Myself and Want To Die", Maria records an album full of suicidal music. With songs such as "Shall We Gather At The River", "Are You Washed", and "Revive Us Again", this album will have you headed for the nearest bridge so you can jump to your watery death.

Not only that, Maria's terrible voice combined with her Casio Keyboard will give you even more incentive to end your life. THIS TAPE IS REALLY FUCKING HORRIBLE! If you hate all the birds flying around in your yard, just play this tape really loud and let's Maria's lack of talent kill them off.

Listen to Revive Us Again

James MacPherson - A Song of Hope (Chrissie's Melody)

It's a shame that those with advanced ALS can't speak, and therefore cannot tell this guy to stop fucking singing. It isn't fair to those who are already suffering to torture them even more with this shitty song.

Dear ALS Society of Canada: If you're going to have a fundraiser song, make it something that will sell more copies and make people feel like they didn't waste their money. The fact that this is the first time I've seen this cassette since it's release in the late 1990s makes me believe that all the others you sold were thrown directly into the trash. Our landfills are weeping.

Listen to A Song of Hope

Teena & Deb & Bruce - No Frills Volume One Jus" Jamming

Here's another bunch of miserable old country songs sung by a bunch of miserable old people. Judging from the cover, this trio intended to put out more than one of these recordings, but I have my doubts.

For those who didn't kill themselves from listening to Maria Heinrichs, this might be the one that gives you that little extra push. Yes, I plan on having absolutely nobody reading this blog by the time I'm done with this instalment of the Junq Tour.

Listen to Across The Wild Moar

The Sunshine Rays - 1991

It took four people to record this album, and none of them perform at the same time on any of these songs. It's like each of them said, "fuck you, I'm gonna perform the songs I want!" Also, one of the four people is Helen Heinrichs, who obviously inspired her daughter Maria to record that piece of crap I covered earlier.

There's 22 songs on this fucking tape. Who insisted that the world needed 22 songs by this group of old farts?

Listen to When My Blue Moon Turns

Ed && Nettie Friesen - Gospel 1

Ed & Nettie woke up one day and decided to record an album of their favourite songs together to celebrate their love for each other and their love for God. So they came up with a bunch of songs, got out their tape recorder they bought at Sears, and got to work. Nettie took the lead on most of the songs because she was clearly the more talented of the two

Half way through recording the album, Nettie died.

The album, which was supposed to be a celebration of happy times turned into a miserable, depressing memorial tribute. The album starts off with Ed giving the eulogy at his deceased wife's funeral. Following that, Ed performs a song he wrote for his now dead wife. Without Nettie's talent to hold the song together, the whole thing just sounds like a dog thrown into a meat grinder. You don't get to hear Nettie until track four (which is where Ed sounds much happier), but by this point you're too depressed to even bother with the rest of the album.

Listen to Song For Nettie 2
Download the whole strange and miserable thing!

There's more horrible horrors coming your way from two thrift stores in Winkler!

1 comment:

JesseHanson said...

Lovely article - believe me or not i have listened to Yodeling songs in this album and a few more before recording this specific one in Kansas city. Loved it!