Sunday, November 19, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Winkler

Ah, Winkler. You and Morden are the heart of the Christian Wheat Belt with your 300 churches or however many you're up to now. Eventually, you'll have one church per family which will help promote true Christian unity!

Let's get to the junk I bought...

Winkler MCC

The Hillside Singers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing

Whenever I'm flipping through things in the bins at thrift stores, certain words will grab my attention such as "demo", "original", "test", and "penis". Although the word "penis" isn't anywhere on this record, the word "test" certainly grabbed my attention. This is a commercial release, although not an extremely popular one. The word "test" made me wonder what was inside. Could it be an original test pressing? Could it be someone's testes? Well... no.

The person who owned this was just testing a paint pen on this record so they could make wedding decorations. I guess I'll never know how well The Hillside Singers performed "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" since the track is covered in hand-drawn hearts. My life will never be complete.

Art Mutcher's Stardust

An album featuring old men with saxophones! Lots of cover songs! This is one of those albums that could have gone either way. To be honest, they play very well, and whoever recorded this CD did a very good job. However, they do better when playing instrumental versions of songs. Their rendition of the Irish Rovers' "Wasn't That a Party" is a bit underwhelming.

Listen to Wasn't That a Party

Singers - Faith To Live By

Well... It has 24 songs! How can any album with 24 songs be terrible? Quantity over quality!

The font used for the track listing is very small and hard to read. The insert orders you to watch Vision TV on Sunday at 2pm, but gives no consequences. There's also a mailing address so you can tell them how much you hate this CD!

This album overstates the obvious. Calling your group "Singers" is like lovingly calling your wife "Companion". I pesonally like to call this album "Crap". While I was paying this CD, my cat came into the room, howling as if there was something very wrong. Perhaps the lady (and I'm only assuming it is a lady) was stabbed in the heart by her joy for Jesus, and is wailing in pain.

Listen to There's Within My Heart a Melody

Gospel Echoes Team

What a strange name for a Thrift store! Let's see how much crap I can get echoing out of your computer speakers...

Special Believercise

I honestly don't know what draws me to pick up Christian exercise albums. Maybe it's the fact that you really don't know what you're going to get. I've picked up others in the past and they usually have something not quite right about them. This one is no exception.

On the plus side, it came with poster-size diagrams on how to do the exercises. This is so much better than watching a fitness video! I mean, why would you buy a fitness video when you can look at a stupid poster instead?

So here's what's odd about this record. First, the songs contained on this album are from real Christian artists as opposed to instrumental versions. Second, this isn't one of those non-stop exercise albums. There are gaps between each song, so you have to take a break while you wait for the silence to end. God forbid the thing starts skipping, because you will exercise to your very death along with your unborn child. Third, this is a demo copy used for promotional use only. How the hell do you demonstrate a pregnant exercise record?

The fun part of this album is the instructor. She sounds strangely seductive, and oddly recites the occasional lyric. Because I'm a fucking pervert, I decided to focus on the inner thighs. Join me in the fun!

Listen to Innner Thighs (aka Love of my Life by Kathy Troccoli)

Willie & Rodi Longenecker - How Firm a Foundation

It's nice to see that George Clooney found Jesus.

From the Liner Notes:

"This recording comes as a testimony of what God can do through the heart music of the older generation."

If this is "Heart Music", I think I want a transplant.

Listen to "How Firm a Foundation"

Dr. James Dobson - Prepareing For Adolescence

I'm sure it's absolutely no problem to sit your pre-teen child down so they can listen to six tapes on how hormones are going to completely fuck them up. I have no clue what's on the first one because it's missing. My life shall forever be incomplete.

The only one I listened to was the one on sexual development, simply because I'm immature and haven't gone through puberty yet. The guy on the tape told me not to laugh, but I did anyway. It was even more funny when the guy on the tape talked about "pooberty". I'm also a bit skeptical about the guy on the tape being a real doctor. I don't consider people who attend bible college to be real doctors.

However, I have to give Mr. Tape Doctor props on one thing... He tells the kids listening to these tapes to masturbate as much as they want. He claims that God created the need to fuck, and masturbation is part of that need, so God wants you to spank your monkey and play with your clitorus. Thanks, God!

Listen to a clip about your changing body
Listen to a clip about sexual development
Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

Serenade - 2005

Well, these ladies can sing. The music is Casiotastic. The mixing and production was done by Jim & Kate Sanderson. In other words, it took two people to fuck up the overall sound on this disc. Some effects on the vocals would have made this sound a little more rounded out, but instead everything just sounds flat and cardboardy. But "Serenade" obviously doesn't care about that, because they thank Jim & Kate in the liner notes.

Listen to Yes I Believe

The Dyck Family - I Belong To The King

So this is a family of Dycks. More specifically children Dycks. They can't fucking sing either.

From the inlay: "We hope that as you are listening to this recording, you'll understand that we want to give all praise and glory to the Lord for it is written; "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord"

This is a joyful noise? It sounds like the crushing of a kitten's ribcage. The Lord must be a sick person to enjoy the sound of that.

Listen to The Love That Brought Jesus

Our next stop in the Christian Wheat Belt is... Morden! A whole five minute drive away!

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