Monday, October 11, 2010

Random Non-Music Albums

These albums can only be classified in a category marked "other". These were completely random ideas to make a quick buck (with the exception of one). So here's what other people spent their money on before I found it in the local thrift store..

Pierre Berton Presents: Sounds of The Great Canadian Railways

This tape is BORING. Remember in high school when they'd show a filmstrip and have an audio cassette to accompany the pictures? This is like listening to the audio track without the filmstrip. It's full of boring train history. But I digress. Someone SOMEWHERE probably found this tape to be highly entertaining and worthy of many repeated plays when it was first purchased.

Listen to a clip if you find train history fascinating

Train Your Bird To Talk

If you hate someone, buy this album as a gift for them. Listening to this album is pure torture and would drive even the most insane to commit suicide. I feel sorry for the person who had to stand in front of a microphone and record this, repeating every phrase ad-nauseum.

When my kid was an infant, I tried using this record to teach him how to talk. All he did was laugh at it. The conclusion is children and birds cannot be trained the same way, mainly due to a bird's inability to laugh.

Click here to listen to "Good Morning"

Canary Training Record

There must have been a real market for bird training records. But maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps it was a fad that swept the nation only in the 1950s and 1980s. In the grocery store, hanging right beside parakeet food, you could purchase a 78 RPM record to train canaries to sing! The Hartz company sure knew how to provide for your pet.

The back of the record is somewhat amusing to read. Baked egg food for Canaries? Isn't that like cannibalism? Well, maybe not since they probably used chicken eggs. I also suppose it's okay for me to eat the offspring of an Asian person.

Because of this record, I'm convinced that I'll never own a Canary. If they're this irritating to listen to, I'm sure I'd take a shotgun to the miniature yellow turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

Listen to "Mexican Dance"

Vanguard Stereolab Test Record

This record could also be used as torture. The high frequency noises will drive your dogs and neighbors insane if played loud enough. I'm honestly surprised that the sound of these noises wasn't highly altered by all the audio conversion necessary to post an audio clip on the net. It makes me so happy that I can make your ears bleed the same way mine did when I first listened to this!

Click here to listen!

How To C.B.

Now this one is pure entertainment! I know next-to-nothing about C.B. Radio which is odd considering how I'm interested in all kinds of ancient technology. But if I ever do become interested in CB-ing as a hobby, then this nifty 8-track will come in quite useful. It teaches you all kinds of basic slang that is used over C.B. Radio. I also have an LP with a bunch of definitions on the back. Here's some of the more interesting ones...

Go-Go Girls = Load of pigs headed for market
Pregnant Roller Skate = VW
Suicide Jockey = Driver hauling dangerous goods
Ten-One-Hundred = I gotta go potty
XYL = Wife (or Ex-Young Lady)

I love how they splashed the words "8-track Tape" across the cover, as if I didn't know what the fuck it was.

Click Here To Listen!

I think my favorite part of all these albums is how the people who made them seemingly chose a narrator who has a unique and distinct voice. They ALL sound like old-time radio announcers. It makes these albums somewhat interesting to listen to, even if the content is shit.


Unknown said...

Even the narrator of that History of Trains tape sounds bored.

Alex Ryterski said...

I own that Vanguard record! I was hoping I could sample something from it . . . nope.

B. Baltimore Brown said...

I'd love to have the whole CB record if you can post it.